Author: Lori Jean Glass

While the terms neglect and abandonment may sound quite similar and are sometimes used interchangeably, there are significant differences between these two types of behavior that may cause physical and emotional harm to the child or person at the receiving and of it.

When it comes to abandonment issues in childhood, adulthood, and relationships, this term is generally used for describing perpetual thoughts or behaviors driven by fear and anxiety that someone you care about will reject or leave you. On the other hand, emotional neglect involves consistent ignoring or lack of response to any emotional expressions, as well as intimacy or interaction-seeking behavior.

Children, in particular, need the presence of a stable adult figure that will provide consistent attention and affection besides otherwise interacting with the child. Not having these basic needs met can lead to various emotional issues in adulthood.

What Is Considered Emotional Abandonment?

Abandonment issues present a type of anxiety disorder that can encompass a range of behaviors rooted in an irrational fear of loss in different relationships. People experiencing these types of challenges usually struggle with an overwhelming fear that the people they’ve grown attached to will leave or reject them. This compelling sense of being rejected, excluded, or left behind can develop due to continued exposure to an unreliable or absent parent or caretaker.

If you find you’re often battling these feelings in your relationships, it’s quite possible that they originate from your childhood. Unresolved child abandonment problems can come bubbling to the surface due to multiple triggers. There are various reasons for having such feelings and fears as an adult, but some of the most common ones are:

• Not receiving adequate affection and love, or being abandoned by a parent (this includes a difficult divorce).
• Experiencing the death of a close family member or a dear friend.
• Being put in situations that require adult behavior and responsibilities during childhood.

The death of a close family member can be particularly traumatic for children as it is usually the first time they become aware of mortality and begin to question their own. Another typical trigger for these fears is experiencing the divorce of one’s parents. Particularly if one of the parents leaves the family and starts a new one. Children can take this quite badly and suffer the consequences of these events and the feelings they cause for the rest of their lives.

What Are The Signs Of Abandonment Issues In Adulthood?

Abandonment issues may surface later in life in the form of fear of losing your romantic partner or fearing the death of someone you love, without a specific, objective reason. The most common signs of abandonment issues in adults usually include:

• Attaching to people too easily and quickly, whether it’s a new friend or a romantic partner.
• Staying in unhealthy relationships that may involve verbal or physical abuse because being alone seems worse than being in an unhealthy relationship.
• Alcohol or substance abuse, or other types of risky behavior.
• Being a “people pleaser” and going out of your way to do what makes other people happy, disregarding your own needs and feelings in the process.
• Being envious of other people’s relationships and wishing to have what you perceive they have, a perfect relationship.
• Being unable to tolerate longer periods of separation, like when your partner needs to go on a business trip or go out with a friend group without you.
• Being too controlling in every aspect of your relationship, setting rigid standards, and making people in your life live by them because it keeps you safe from losing them.
• Unreasonable jealousy and constant thoughts that your partner is being unfaithful to the point of obsession.
• Not being able to trust other people, including even those closest to you, for example your best friends and family.
• Sabotaging your relationship yourself or choosing emotionally unavailable partners. You might do this to “beat them to the punch.” You set up the relationship to fail so you don’t have to suffer the pain of disillusionment after you get your hopes up.

How Is Abandonment Different From Neglect?

As opposed to neglect that stems from carelessness or not knowing any better, abandonment generally does involve the intentional desertion of a person or a child by someone who was responsible for caring for them. Abandonment may place children at serious risk of physical harm if there’s no other parent or caretaker to assume these responsibilities.

However, even if abandonment doesn’t appear to pose any immediate physical risk to the child’s (or adult’s) wellbeing, it can cause severe emotional distress and pain that can grow over time and develop into a wide range of damaging behavior patterns in adulthood.  In #HealthyAdult I tell my story of losing my father at a young age and although I had a “new” father a year later, the felt sense of loss remained in my body for many years – especially becasue my mother changed by that trauma too and was not the same. To the outside world it appeared as if everything was fine.  Inside the four walls of our home, it was not.

In childhood, those feelings may manifest as intense isolation or other sudden changes in behavior, while in adulthood they can take the form of more severe outcomes that influence one’s ability to form and maintain healthy emotional relationships. Hence, riding the Crazy Train, another analogy that many of our clients can relate to.  Whether you avoid attaching or anxiously attach, there is a seat on the train for you if you do not get help. 

What Are the Consequences Of Emotional Abandonment?

As a response to those feelings and thoughts that may or may not be based on truth, you may have trouble dealing with the fear of abandonment and act insecure, jealous, controlling, or even emotionally manipulative. This could be a behavioral pattern you learned from adults as a child, or one you developed later in life as a coping mechanism and response to rejection.

Some of the most common consequences of emotional abandonment may manifest as:

• People-pleasing. This can be both mentally and physically exhausting and cause you to invest too much of your time and energy into helping others- therefore, neglect your own needs.
• Feeling resentment towards people in healthy/happy relationships.
• Insecurity and self-doubt. These two feelings are related: insecurity means that you lack self-confidence, and self-doubt makes you have negative thoughts about yourself and think that that’s how others perceive you too.
• The need to be physically near your partner. You easily fall into negative thought patterns and feel like you’re incapable of being without your partner or another person you’ve grown attached to.
• Becoming depressed and acting irrationally. You constantly worry that your partner is cheating on you and keep checking on them. This type of jealousy is irrational and usually provoked by your own feelings of not being good enough.
• Constant suspicion that people in your life are not being truthful can lead you to thoughts and actions to convince yourself that pushing them away is the right decision.

PIVOT Helps Beat Negative Thoughts And The Feeling of Abandonment in Your Relationship

If you’re struggling to cope with abandonment issues in your relationship, it’s quite possible that you’re unwittingly harboring certain unresolved emotional problems. Fortunately, even though achieving a healthy state of mind requires a lot of work, professional help is available to guide you through it, every step of the way. This type of coaching can provide you with the tools you need to form and maintain healthy relationships with people you care for.

You can start your journey with the guidance of caring and experienced PIVOT relationship advocates, who can help you discover why you have these feelings, and work towards changing your negative thought patterns, and subsequently, your behavior. If you recognize abandonment issues as the true cause behind your romantic relationship problems, Glass House relationship coaching retreats for individuals can help you achieve self-authenticity and mental wellness to overcome them.

Childhood emotional neglect is a form of child abuse that encompasses a range of behaviors that can be far less obvious than wounds caused by physical abuse. Children can be hurt by their parents or caretakers in ways that don’t include afflicting physical pain and injury.

As terrible as physical abuse is, emotional neglect can be just as damaging and leave significant consequences that continue to follow the neglected child into adulthood and influence their lives in many different ways.

As a form of emotional abuse, child neglect occurs when parents or caretakers fail to acknowledge their child’s emotional needs and appropriately respond to them. This lack of attention to a child’s emotional needs can lead to a variety of negative psychological effects.

Self-isolation, fear, and distrust are some of the most common ones, and in a lot of cases, they translate into lifelong psychological issues. These problems can manifest in many ways, including; educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.

What Are The Forms of Child Neglect?

Neglect, as a form of child abuse, involves not meeting the children’s basic needs: physical, medical, educational, and emotional. Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Emotional abuse or neglect can inflict just as much damage. Since the signs are not always as obvious, other people may be less likely to notice and intervene.

It’s important to note that some parents don’t mean to harm their children intentionally, they simply might not know any better due to their own upbringing. Both neglect and abuse can be a cycle that repeats for generations. This is called generational trauma which is the transmission  (sending down to younger generations) of oppressive or traumatic effects of a historical event.

Parents who have been victims of abuse or neglect themselves might not even realize they’re doing it; they simply don’t know a better way to parent. Some are struggling with mental health or substance abuse disorders. However, this type of behavior doesn’t happen only in a certain ‘type’ of family or community. It crosses all economic, racial, or cultural borders. 

There are different forms of child neglect and not all of them have to be present at the same time. Generally, ignoring a child’s needs or not paying enough attention to them and leaving them unsupervised can lead to dangerous situations. Even though small children can lack the capacity to understand that there’s something wrong, this type of behavior can still make them feel worthless and unloved, and leave deep, lasting scars and emotional harm that follow them into adulthood.

Neglect can involve a lot of different behaviors, or lack of behavior, which makes it hard to notice. However, in broad terms, there are generally 4 types of neglect:

• Physical neglect involves denying a child the most basic needs like food, shelter, and clothing. This also includes the lack of proper supervision to keep the child safe. Protecting a child from physical harm starts during pregnancy.
• Medical neglect is also a particularly harmful one since it can result in grave consequences to a child’s health or even their life. A child needs proper health care and dental care. Some parents fail to notice or react to their child being sick or hurt or might ignore medical recommendations for various reasons.
• Educational neglect is pretty straightforward to understand, it simply means that parents fail to ensure that their child has access to proper education.  It also includes tending to learning disabilities that go undiagnosed or untreated. 
• Emotional neglect can be a quite complicated one to both define and notice. In the simplest of terms, an emotionally neglected child doesn’t receive the nurture, attention, and stimulation they require. This usually involves ignoring their needs for affection and attention, but it may go as far as humiliating or intimidating them.

What Are The Examples Of Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Even though child neglect can often go unnoticed, the ongoing failure to satisfy the most basic physical and emotional needs usually has some obvious telltale signs. There are ways to notice that a child’s basic needs are persistently not met.

The most obvious examples and effects of neglect on child development include:

• Lack of adequate supervision, or being left alone at home.
• Loss of parent due to death, addiction, mental illness, etc. with no help or support.
• Parent not seeing what the child needs and parenting from a place to selfishly get their own needs met.
• Constant signs of hunger or tiredness.
• Poor personal hygiene.
• Unclean or worn-out clothing.
• Untreated medical problems or injuries.
• Being subjected to frequent or unfair punishment.
• Not showing any affection.
• Speaking to a child in a way that makes them feel worthless.
• Dragging them into a challenging divorce.
• Overdisclosing information that is too advanced for a child.
• Parentifying them at a young age to care for other siblings and/or discharge emotions onto them as if they were the spouse of their parent.
• Not allowing the child to express their views or feelings.
• Preventing the child from engaging in usual social activities, leading to poor social relationships and skills.
• Exposing a child to seeing or hearing the abuse of someone else.

What Are the Long-Term Consequences Of Child Neglect?

All types of abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Childhood neglect is linked to physical, psychological, and behavioral consequences. They could be independent of each other but are usually interrelated.

Scars of emotional neglect aren’t physical unless they involve injury or self-harm as a very severe consequence. Another way that neglect may cause physical consequences is by inhibiting the development of the child’s brain, leading to psychological issues.

However, emotional scarring also leaves lasting effects throughout one’s life because a child’s sense of self gets damaged, influencing future relationships, and their ability to function in various social environments.

The most common consequences of emotional neglect that carry over to adulthood include a wide range of feelings deeply rooted into one’s personality. A person suffering from the long-term effects of child neglect might be able to understand some of the circumstances or elements of their upbringing that caused them to feel or behave in a certain way, while others can be deeply hidden and subconscious.

The most common long-term consequences are usually:

• The feeling of emptiness and no sense of purpose.
• Not being able to identify or express your own emotions.
• Attachment difficulties and fear of depending on other people.
• Strong fear of rejection.
• Low self-esteem and self-doubt.
• Feeling “different” from others, and having poor relational skills.
• Lack of compassion for both self and others.
• Constant negative feelings like shame, guilt, or self-blame.
• Not being able to stand up for oneself and be assertive.
• Suffering from mental health issues, most commonly anxiety, depression, or posttraumatic stress.
• High-risk behaviors, like alcohol and drug abuse, criminal behavior, or unhealthy sexual behavior.

How Does Child Neglect Affect Adulthood?

Unfortunately, the emotional neglect someone has been exposed to during childhood isn’t something they can simply grow out of and move on. Its effects are lasting and strongly influence a person’s life, worldview, and relationships with others, mainly romantic partners, family, and friends.

Consequences of neglect in early childhood lead to:

• Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. Learning to trust people is crucial for maintaining healthy adult relationships. Adults that were neglected as children might not know what a good relationship is.
• Feeling “worthless” or undeserving. These feelings are extremely hard to overcome if you grew up with them. They may cause a lack of ambition, neglecting your education, or settling for less because you don’t believe you deserve more.
• Emotion regulation issues. People who were neglected in childhood may have difficulty identifying their emotions or feeling safe to express them. This is why they bottle down and suppress their true personality, views, and emotions until they burst out in unexpected ways. Anxiety, depression, or anger are common mental health issues that may lead to alcohol or drug use to escape painful feelings.

When it comes to forming relationships with other people, particularly romantic ones, the consequences of child neglect can present a specific type of challenge. People who suffered emotional neglect as children have difficulty trusting other people, so relying on their partners or depending on others can make them feel uncomfortable and cause fear or anxiety.

PIVOT’s Here To Help You With The Negative Consequences Of Childhood Emotional Neglect With Expert Intimacy Coaching

Being or becoming aware of the damage childhood neglect has caused doesn’t mean you can just snap out of it. It’s difficult to unlearn all the patterns of behavior and feeling whose seeds were planted so long ago and are now deeply seated in every part of your being. When it comes to achieving healthy romantic relationships, resolving these issues and finding your authentic self are crucial. It takes compassion and willingness, as well as professional help to begin unpacking the damage that was done to you so long ago. Emotional intimacy coaching is an integral part of the healing process. It helps you adopt new ways of thinking and deal with your unresolved feelings. Let our PIVOT relationship advocates guide you along the way to new and healthy behavior patterns. With the PIVOT process, behavioral change is possible!

Emotional neglect in adult relationships can result from certain behavior patterns learned during childhood. Since primary family systems generally serve as a model which individuals measure their future adult relationships, childhood neglect can often leave permanent scars and distort one’s view of the world, their place in it, and their relationships with other people.

If maintaining romantic relationships seems challenging and you feel like you can’t achieve happiness no matter what you do, it might be useful to start looking for common denominators of your discontent. You could be choosing partners who exhibit the same type of behavior towards you, or you may feel trapped by a pattern of behavior that makes you put your own needs aside.

Whatever the case, if you lack intimacy in your relationship, it may be time to think about the actual causes behind your challenges and find out how to make the necessary changes to step into a more fulfilled partnership.

What Are The Examples Of Emotional Neglect?

As opposed to abuse, emotional neglect isn’t something that happens to a person, it’s about the absence of the actions which would fulfill your emotional needs. People need to feel seen, loved, cared for, and to know that they matter. When it comes to romantic relationships, providing these needs to one another requires emotional intelligence. Some people pick up these needs when they are young if they’re lucky enough to grow up in a loving household. Sadly, that’s not always the case.

If emotional awareness, validation of your feelings, and the ability to talk about them weren’t present in your childhood, you might not have learned those skills at a young age and are sometimes unable to identify and express your feelings in a healthy manner. You might not even expect those who love you to show interest and concern about your feelings and provide you the space to express and discuss them. The lack of such an awareness may prevent you from having emotionally enriched and connected relationships with life in general.

In such cases, one or both partners involved in a relationship often miss essential emotional cues and fail to notice and respond to each other’s needs. When this is a consistent pattern of behavior, left unaddressed for too long, it may cause considerable damage to the relationship and can require a substantial effort to repair. And, a repair you might not perceive as worthwhile due to your own lack of self esteem.

What Does Being Neglected Mean?

There’s significantly more research on child abuse and neglect, but the main signs of emotional neglect in adult relationships are similar for both children and adults, so they can be used to recognize this issue in adult relationships as well.

If you’re trying to figure out the reasons behind the problems present in your relationship, look for the most common signs and examples of emotional neglect in an adult relationship.  Ask yourself:

• Does your partner minimize, dismiss or ignore your feelings?
• Are you being mocked or criticized whenever you open up about your feelings or show vulnerability?
• Are your emotional needs for reassurance and comfort dismissed as childish or unimportant?
• Do you feel like all your painful experiences are downplayed, even when you’re obviously having a tough time?
• Are you expected to put aside your feelings, even during hardships, and go on like nothing’s wrong?
• Are you missing attention, affection, and validation from your partner?
• Do you feel lonely or alone in your relationship?
• Are you being made fun of or disparaged when you reach out for help or support?
• Do you get cold and disinterested reactions from your partner?
• Do you stifle your discontent and tolerate unfair treatment or lack of respect?
• Are your needs and requests often ignored?
• Do you miss intimacy, closeness, romance, and other positive interactions with your partner?
• Is your partner frequently giving you the silent treatment to manipulate you into changing your behavior or as a form of “punishment”?

What Are The Negative Psychological Effects Of Neglect?

These types of behavior are naturally perceived as rejection and being an adult doesn’t necessarily help you rationalize your feelings or the causes that drive your partner’s behavior. When it comes to emotions, our brains may jump right back into that “abandoned child” mind frame.

This happens because situations like these cause our brains to react as they would to a physical injury. Since the same pain receptors activate, we may feel intense fear and, naturally, the need for protection and comfort. This type of reaction has been described by certain neuroscience studies that point to the immense power of emotions and the way we deal with them. Aside from our subjective feeling of (un)happiness, fostering negative emotions was proven to be detrimental to our physical health and connected to numerous health problems.

If your partner fails to provide the much-needed care and attention, this perpetuates the cycle of neglect and may cause a lasting feeling of abandonment and unworthiness. Not feeling worthy of your partner’s love and attention for prolonged periods can cause severe psychological effects and disorders.

Some of the most common effects of emotional neglect include:

• Restlessness, anxiety, depression, or other more severe psychiatric disorders.
• Mood swings, sudden outbursts, and difficulty regulating your emotions.
• High-risk behaviors, including substance use disorder, or other types of addiction.
• Lack of confidence and low self-esteem, feeling insecure and unlovable.
• Fear, shame, guilt, anger, or other negative emotions.
• Heightened self-criticism and a negative self-image.
• Hiding or burying your emotions, not being able to open up to anyone.
• Inability to form close relationships due to trust issues.
• Poor social skills, inability to ask for help or accept it when offered, or difficulty setting boundaries.
• WIthdrawal into solitude and avoidance of social situations.

How Do You Cope With Neglect In A Relationship?

Unfortunately, if you feel neglected and unloved for a long time, and your partner fails to notice and respond to your feelings, this might permanently damage your relationship. If you start feeling that you can’t rely on your partner, there are steps you could take to try and salvage your relationship by raising awareness about the issues that are causing your unhappiness.

Mending romantic relationships that have been going in the wrong direction for too long is certainly a challenging task, but not an impossible one. When you start examining your feelings more closely, you can begin to understand what’s wrong instead of avoiding or dismissing critical issues.

This process can be painful for both partners, but if you’ve been neglected for a long time, concentrating on your own well-being and validation of your feelings is a priority. Once you both recognize your own and each other’s patterns of behavior that have led you to this point, you can choose to put in the necessary effort and change them. Or not.  The most important thing to do in the long run is to reparent those parts of self that were neglected and choose partnership from your Healthy Adult self. Our #HealthyAdult book can help you understand more of what this article is saying and can be found on Amazon. 

PIVOT Can Help You Overcome Abuse & Neglect With Expert Relationship Intimacy Coaching

If you feel ready to try to revive your relationship or tend to your own well-being and self-authenticity, there are ways to get professional help and support. You can let PIVOT’s relationship coaches lead you towards your set goals after they help you decide what they are. Whether you choose one of the empowering Glass House retreats, personalized individual sessions, or relationship intimacy coaching, you’ll be in safe hands. When you engage in PIVOT, there are two facilitators for each couple to assure everyone is fully seen, heard, and supported.  Our couples intensives can significantly change the direction of your relationship and begin to create a deeper level of understanding and connection. Finding the will and strength to change is an attainable goal! 

When it comes to romantic relationships some people tend to repeat the same patterns of behavior and make similar choices to the ones that had already proven themselves detrimental to both their well-being and their relationship. So why do so many of us keep making the same mistakes?

Most of our adult behaviors and feelings frequently stem from certain unresolved issues that punctuated our childhood. The challenges of many romantic relationships often arise from unconscious childhood neglect. Those who grew up with consistent emotional neglect and experienced it as “normal” at an early age might have difficulty connecting intimately to other people in general, particularly in romantic relationships.

Although it doesn’t make sense to keep staying in relationships that make us miserable, some of us keep tolerating diverse types of neglectful behavior even in our adult life because it’s familiar if that’s what we learned through the family dynamics of our childhoods.  Simply put, we are drawn to whats familiar regardless of merit.

What Is Considered Neglect?

The word neglect almost instinctively makes us think of an abandoned child. But neglect doesn’t necessarily refer to a lack of food, shelter, or clothing. Those are the most severe and evident types of neglect and the most usual forms of child abuse, but children can also be deprived of other basic needs that involve lack of attention and affection.

Emotional neglect during early childhood can be a particularly crucial factor in an individual’s ability to achieve healthy adult relationships. The reason for this is children subconsciously adopt damaging behavioral patterns as ‘normal’, and shape their ideas and perception of themselves and others according to these patterns. This can influence their attachment style formation, and subsequently their behavior patterns in adult relationships.That is why in the PIVOT process we use the term #HealthyAdult. We WANT people who had complex childhoods and feel like they struggle in relationships that there IS a solution. 

Attachment style is a frequent topic of conversation when relationships aren’t working out, as it strongly influences the choice of a life partner. It’s often cited as a root cause of some relationship difficulties, so by recognizing their attachment patterns people can discover what made them relate to others in certain ways and why.

What Are the Different Types of Neglect?

Emotional neglect is often misunderstood because it’s not as evident and clearly defined as abuse, the signs of which are easily identified and noticeable. While physical abuse is about what was done to someone, emotional abuse is often about what wasn’t done. It’s about everything that’s missing, such as a failure to provide a child (and later, a partner) with attention and behavior that corresponds to their emotional needs. Often, adults who were neglected in childhood have unrealistic expectations of their partners.  Wanting their partner to “right” the “wrong” that was done to them. 

There are diverse types of neglect, both in children and adults, but they translate quite clearly from the early stages of life to adulthood. Generally, there are six main types of neglect during childhood which can carry the most impact on our adult lives:

• Physical neglect occurs when children are denied basic needs like food, clothing, and shelter.
• Medical neglect is when they don’t receive the necessary and timely medical care when ill or injured.
• Supervisory neglect happens when parents or caregivers fail to protect their child from being harmed.
• Environmental neglect usually refers to unsanitary or otherwise inappropriate living conditions that may lead to illness or other harm. This is considered by some experts to be a form of physical neglect.
• Educational neglect is denying children access to education and not helping them when the educational demands are complex for their specific learning challenges.
• Emotional neglect:  All the above types of neglect may strongly influence a child’s development into an adult battling various psychological issues. However, emotional neglect is the one we’re exploring, as it may directly correlate with the development of a wide range of difficulties and problematic patterns in our adult relationships and attachment styles, and potentially lead to an attachment disorder.

Individuals experiencing childhood neglect may keep having the same feelings even as adults when they enter romantic relationships, and they may find themselves craving attention. Recognizing the origin of these intense feelings and types of neglect in adults are particularly important steps towards learning to deal with them and making significant changes to behavior patterns.

What Are the Signs of Neglect in Your Relationship?

When it comes to neglect in adult relationships, it’s important to keep in mind that emotional neglect may not be as evident as abuse because it’s not about what happens – it’s about what’s missing. In a romantic relationship, emotional neglect can appear in the form of continuous failure to notice a partner’s feelings and respond to them appropriately.

This can make us feel invisible and unworthy of care, and even make us neglect ourselves. Some people could experience serious depression or engage in high-risk behaviors, either to draw attention to themselves or to escape unpleasant feelings.

The most common signs of neglect in a relationship may include:

• Having a tough time expressing your feelings, or even identifying them.
• Having trust issues.
• Not being able to experience sincere empathy.
• Frequently feeling guilt or shame.
• Excessive worry or fear.
• The constant need to please people.
• Persistent feelings of dissatisfaction, emptiness, and lack of joy.
• Feeling disconnected from yourself and others.
• Anger directed both at oneself and others.
• Perfectionism.
• Excessive fear of failure.
• Not being able to ask for help. 

All these feelings may point to the fact that your attachment needs aren’t met. The need for attention and the feeling that you matter aren’t something you ever “grow out of”.

How Can You Tell That It’s Time to Seek Help?

Most of the feelings listed above may culminate over time and lead to actions and behaviors your relationship might not survive, or if it does, it can do so by potentially causing great damage to your mental health. Think about these types of behavior and whether they’re consistently present in your relationship:

• You confide in people other than your partner, usually friends or family members.
• You feel like you’re “alone” in the relationship.
• You don’t engage in any social activities together.
• You prefer spending time alone to spending it with your partner.
• When you try to talk about the issues that are bothering you, your partner shuts down or ignores you.
• You keep suppressing your feelings.
• You frequently feel powerless and overwhelmed.
• You feel like you can’t act naturally and be yourself around your partner.
• You delay making important decisions, like having children or setting any long-term goals.

If emotional neglect is the type of behavior you became accustomed to during childhood, you may have been suppressing your emotions for too long to even be aware that you’re doing it. Studies show that these issues might lead to mental illness and substance abuse. However, they are certainly preventable with the right kind of help.

Trying to recognize these signs in your relationship is only the first step. Finding the will and strength to change may prove to be a challenging task for many. This is where help from others is of immense value.

PIVOT Workshops Can Help Build Trust in Your Relationship and Break the Cycle of Emotional Neglect

Changing the behavior you’ve been learning all your life as a way to ease your discomfort and unpleasant feelings may not be easy, but it’s certainly achievable. One of the ways to begin to deal with these feelings and behavioral patterns is by taking part in a Glass House workshop and starting to build trust in your relationship. PIVOT relationship advocates can provide the support and help you need to address the damaging behaviors. As you progress and feel the ability and strength to stop the cycle you’ve been trapped in, true change can finally happen. 

Your attachment style is formed at an early age and it’s mostly shaped by your parents and your relationship with them. Love, annoyance, compassion, avoidance, dedication, care, neglect, and anything in between contributes significantly to the substance of the attachments you form with others, your romantic partners included.

For example, your common attachment style might be what’s causing you to develop a codependent relationship with your partner, leaving you to explore places that offer codependency recovery coaching after your relationship ends. However, what about attachment styles and divorce, does marriage dissolution affect them and how? You can find that out here. 

What Are The Different Attachment Styles?

The theory of attachment styles was established by John Bowlby during the 1950s and further developed by Mary Ainsworth. This theory serves to outline the four different types of bonds you form with your primary caregivers which serve to impact your relationships and the way you navigate through them throughout your life. Based on the postulates of attachment theory, there are four styles of attachment:

Secure

Secure attachment stems from an individual feeling secure in the relationship with primary caregivers during childhood and having the ability to openly ask for validation and reassurance without fearing punishment. You experienced value, comfort, understanding, and safety when growing up and your caregivers were emotionally available. Some of the most common signs that describe secure attachment style are:

• Emotional availability
• High confidence and self-esteem
• Positive conflict management skills
• Easy connections
• Self-reflection in relationships
• Comfort in relationships and during times of solitude
• Ability to provide and seek emotional support
• Proper communication skills
• Trust in others
• Ability to regulate emotions

Avoidant

Anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant are terms used to describe the same insecure style of attachment. Primarily, this style forms due to either absent or emotionally distant caregivers who exhibited certain patterns of behavior, such as:

• Leaving you to fend for yourself
• Expecting independence from a very early age
• Reprimanding any form of dependence on them
• Rejecting your expressions of emotions and needs

If you’ve experienced similar behavior from your caregivers, you can exhibit the following signs of avoidant attachment in your relationships:

• Avoiding physical or emotional intimacy
• Feeling extremely strong independence
• Discomfort when expressing feelings
• Dismissive behavior toward others
• Not trusting people easily
• Feeling threatened when a person tries to get close
• No need for others in your life

Anxious

Other names for the anxious style of attachment are anxious-preoccupied and anxious-ambivalent. Its characteristics are fear of abandonment, rejection, and dependence on your partner for emotional regulation and validation. It mostly stems from parenting that is inconsistent with the needs of the child. Individuals who develop anxious attachment styles have often experienced a lack of understanding when it comes to the actions of their caregivers and inability to know what to expect from them.

Some of the characteristics of such caregivers are attentiveness before pushing you away for no reason, feeling of being overwhelmed with parenting and your needs, as well as alternation between indifference, detachment, and excessive coddling. The most frequent signs spotted in individuals with an anxious attachment are:

• Difficulty placing trust in others
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of being unworthy of love
• Low confidence
• Jealousy
• Need for approval
• Sensitivity to criticism
• Clinginess

Ambivalent (Disorganized)

Some of the most frequent reasons behind disorganized style of attachment are abuse, neglect, and different forms of childhood traumas combined with the presence of fear from their primary caregivers. Individuals with the disorganized attachment are confused by their feelings and the feelings of others, leading to the development of several signs:

• Signs of anxious and avoidant attachment styles
• Difficulty placing trust in others
• Heightened anxiety
• Contradictory behavior
• Inability to emotionally regulate
• Fear of abandonment and rejection

Which Attachment Style Is Most Likely To Divorce?

It’s difficult and almost impossible to state one style of attachment and deem it most likely to go through a divorce, because such things aren’t universal. Relationships are unique and individuals within them are unique. Slapping the “most likely to divorce” sticker would be unprofessional and would target specific groups of individuals.

There are some signs that point to the fact that avoidant and anxious attachment styles attract one another and that they form a rocky basis for a stable marriage due to the innate incompatibilities of these two types of attachment. 

However, drawing conclusions from such matters isn’t advisable and would be unfair toward such individuals. The truth of this matter is that we all are unique, and so are our relationships, and to mark any one marriage as more likely to fail isn’t something we’d ever want to do.

Can Divorce Cause Attachment Issues?

Yes, experiencing a divorce can affect your attachment style and cause issues in any one of the four forms of attachment. Even individuals who are certain of themselves and fall into the secure attachment categories can develop difficulties with trusting others, become emotionally unavailable, at least for a time, suffer from low self-esteem, experience discomfort in future relationships, and become less able to adequately regulate their emotions.

When it comes to other attachment styles, individuals can experience aggravating of their underlying traits, making them potentially less prone to physical and emotional intimacy, expressing emotions, forging trust with others, and much more.

PIVOT Will Help You Cope With Your Attachments With Expert Codependency Recovery Coaching

Divorce can alter your attachment style for the sheer trauma of you having to go through it all. However, there’s also a lot more a divorce can do. For example, post-divorce depression is a common occurrence even if you’re the one who decided to walk away from your marriage because of concrete reasons.

Even if your divorce is healthy and you and your former husband remain on good terms, it can still be extremely difficult to move on after your divorce. The mere fact of you having to pick up the pieces after spending a number of years with one person and in one home is often too much for any individual to handle.

That’s why you need to turn to the experts at PIVOT. Our advocates foster a caring approach when holding individual coaching sessions designed to help you come to terms with your divorce and learn how to continue your life. What’s more, our Glass House retreat can serve as a place where you find your new beginning. We’re here to help you.

It can be hard to let go of the hurt and pain, and it can be difficult to trust someone again after the dissolution of a marriage. Feelings of not being good enough or that you don’t deserve to be happy can start to creep in. However, if you find someone new who loves you for who you are and is willing to help you heal your emotional wounds, know that trust can be hard, but with time and patience, it will come.

Getting a divorce is an emotional process, but moving on and settling down in a second marriage can be equally daunting. It’s normal to feel apprehensive about getting married again after a divorce. But just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean your second one won’t be successful. In fact, there are many things you can do to set yourself up for a happy and healthy second marriage.

What Should I Know Before My Second Marriage? 

Remarriage can be a wonderful thing, but there are some things you may want to consider before stepping in. Keep this in mind as you’re contemplating getting married again:

You’re Not Starting From Scratch.

This may seem obvious, but it’s important to remember that you’re not starting your relationship from square one. You both have baggage – you from your previous marriage (and possibly other relationships) that you’ll need to deal with. They may also have their own baggage. Be honest with each other about what this baggage is and be prepared to work through it together.

Your Children Need Support.

If you have children from your first marriage, the transition affects them just as much. It can be difficult for kids to adjust to a new stepparent, and you’ll need to be sensitive to their needs. Getting your ex more involved in parenting decisions and trying to maintain a cordial relationship with them for the sake of your children is a step in the right direction.

Don’t Rush Into Things.

It’s important to take your time when getting remarried. Don’t feel pressured to rush into things just because you’re getting older or because your friends are all married. Make sure you’re really ready for this commitment and that you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Why Are Second Marriages Harder? 

Each person has their own history and their own set of issues. Second marriages are more complex because of the baggage that comes with them. They also come with a lot of expectations, which can often be unrealistic, leading to a lot of conflict and tension. Second marriages often involve blended families, which can make things even more complicated. There are usually a lot of different dynamics at play, and finding a balance that works for everyone can be tricky.

What Are the Challenges of Being a Second Spouse? 

Different last names, different family traditions, and different ways of doing things than your stepchildren’s other parents. These are just a few aspects that make being a second spouse difficult. You may feel like you are always playing catch up, trying to find your place in the family and to feel like you belong.

You may find yourself constantly compared to the other parent. This can be tough to deal with, especially if you feel like you are always coming up short. Even if you have been in your stepchildren’s lives for years, you may still feel like an outsider looking in. You may find it difficult to deal with because it can make you feel isolated and alone. This can be hurtful and frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your stepchildren do love you and appreciate all that you do for them.

What Are the Disadvantages of Remarriage?

Like most things in life, a remarriage isn’t always picture perfect. While there are many positives to remarriage, there are also some disadvantages. Here are a few things to consider before taking the plunge into remarriage:

There May Be Pressure to Make Things Perfect

You may feel like you have to make your remarriage perfect in order to prove that it can work. This pressure can be stressful and may put a strain on the new relationship.

You May Have Different Ideas About Parenting.

If you’re remarrying and have children from a previous relationship, you and your new spouse may have different parenting styles. This can be a source of conflict in the new marriage.

Finances Can Be Tricky. 

You and your new spouse will need to combine your finances. This can be difficult, especially if one spouse has debt from a previous marriage. You’ll need to be honest with each other about your financial situation and work together to make a budget that works for both of you.

Not Enough Time For Your Friends. 

When you’re married, you often spend more time with your spouse than your friends. If you’re remarried, you may find yourself spending even less time with your friends as you adjust to life with your new spouse.

Getting Married After a Divorce? PIVOT’s Relationship Coach Is Here to Help You Online 

It’s normal to feel like your life is turned upside down and that everything is completely different. Walking away from a marriage can bring on unexpected anxiety about the future. A life-altering change is a normal occurrence that can lead to serious bouts of post-divorce depression. 

You may be feeling a range of emotions, from anger and betrayal to sadness and relief. Some days, you may even experience all of these emotions at once. It can be tough to try and cope with everything, both emotionally and logistically. Even ending things amicably with your spouse can be a struggle as you may still have feelings for each other and find it hard to move on, causing serious attachment issues.

That’s why you should turn to PIVOT and our dedicated relationship advocates. Our team holds individual coaching sessions designed to help you transition to a new phase in your life. Furthermore, our Glass House recovery retreat can serve as your sanctuary where you can find your happiness and purpose in life. Lean on us as we help you to move on.

Perhaps you’ve been staring blankly in your own mirror for far too long, trying to hide your feelings, not wanting to think about marriage separation and the aftermath that would ensue. Perhaps you’ve been pushing down your thoughts of dealing with divorce for so long that they’ve finally come bubbling on the surface of many conversations.

And now you’re there, staring into the mirror, knowing what you have to do, but still dreading making your decision and still hurting yourself with the thoughts of whether it could have gone differently or not. If you’ve reached the end of your marriage rope, that’s probably it. However, if you need just one more introspective episode to be certain, keep reading.

What Is A Walkaway Wife/Husband?

A walkaway wife or a husband is an expression used to describe the act of a wife leaving their husband or a husband leaving their wife. This occurs when a husband or a wife who is unhappy with the state of their marriage petitions for divorce without previous discussion or attempts to work on their relationship with their partner. It’s sudden. 

This leaves the entire divorce process fraught with numerous questions, usually concerning the “why” of the situation, since the spouse unaware of the hat divorce prior to the petition usually has no explanation as to why such an event happened.  Keep in mind that often invitations are given to work on the relationship however one side doesn’t engage and doesn’t read the “memo” that the waters are not smooth and the “ship” aka marriage, is about to go under.

On the one side, the side of the walkaway wife or husband, there’s potentially long-brewing unhappiness, discontent, annoyance, and numerous other feelings that led to such a decision. On the side of the spouse experiencing the “walkaway” act from another perspective, there’s surprise, pain, and potentially anger.

And if you’re on the receiving end of a walkaway, there’s no blame to be had here. We’re all busy with our own lives at one point or another, leaving us blind to the others surrounding us. This is in no way justifiable, but it’s understandable that you’ve failed to give your spouse the attention they so desperately desired and failed to spot the early signs of the problem, such as:

• Lack of complaining about the things they used to be so passionate about.
• Silence throughout the day and lack of proper communication.
• Poor treatment of both spouses within the marriage.
• Children becoming the “primary” relationship to one side of the coupleship.
• Lack of excitement about sexual intercourse and intimacy.
• Complete absence of intimacy.
• Absence of expression of feelings.
• Distant relationship with your spouse.
• Disinterest in the things you and your spouse used to do on a daily basis.

At What Point Do You Walk Away From A Marriage?

There really isn’t one occasion where you say OK, it’s over now, pick up your things, pack your bags and walk away. Love and marriage don’t work that way except in cases of physical or emotional violence, when it’s vital to find protection and assistance as soon as possible.

In most marriages, discontent creeps into your daily life without you or your spouse even noticing, causing small dings in your relationship to become cracks and allowing those cracks to develop into ravines that prevent you from finding common ground. And then, one day, you fall into the never ending hole of spiraling unhappiness, not being able to remember the last time you smiled.

This can be the point of you having enough of it and deciding it’s time to end it. Also, there are more signs that can point to the fact that it’s time to keep walking in the opposite direction of your marriage:

• No respect toward you and your needs.
• No trust with your partner.
• Lack of value for the things you do for them.
• Your marriage has started exhibiting toxic traits.
• Selfish behavior without any heed for you.
• You’re the only one making compromises and sacrifices.
• Lack of sense of responsibility from your partner.
• Lack of quality together time.

What Are Good Reasons To Leave A Relationship?

The reasons for leaving your marriage or your relationship are many and every single one of them is more substantial or less important depending on the individuals involved. What we’re trying to say is that there’s no universal “leave now” reason applicable to all relationships in the world.

For some, lack of attention and communication might be plenty, while others decide to remain in relationships that for others would be immediate dealbreakers. That’s why it’s impossible to provide one or more reasons to leave your marriage. If you’re feeling bad and unloved and have been feeling that way for quite some time, the answer is obvious and there’s little for you to foster there.

Your own feelings are your only compass in relationships and marriages and if they fall on deaf ears from your partner, we’re sorry to say it’s probably time to consider another course of action. Listen to yourself, listen to your needs, listen to your feelings, listen to what your heart tells you and listen to your intuition. All these combined are not likely to be wrong, no matter how much you might want them to be.

One note is that this in no way, shape, or form refers to any type of physical or any form of psychological abuse. Shaming, yelling, and violence are an instant sign that it’s time for you to go, and don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

PIVOT Can Help You Deal With Divorce And Marriage Separation

Barring extreme cases, walking out on your marriage is tough, even if you’ve wanted to do so for a long time. First, there’s divorce anxiety you have to cope with, which isn’t easy, and there’s also the difficulty with attempting to remarry after your divorce down the line, especially if your dissolution has managed to alter your attachment style significantly.

And this is all if you’re experiencing a remotely healthy divorce without delving deeper into the potential problems that happen when ending physically or emotionally abusive relationships. This is why it’s a good idea to find assistance when going through a divorce of any kind and allow yourself to have a helping hand through it all.

At PIVOT, we specialize in helping people live again after their divorce. Our advocates are experts when it comes to personalized sessions designed to provide assistance when going through a divorce and our Glass House retreat center can assist you in finding yourself again. Don’t hesitate to contact us and let us be there to start a new chapter in your life.