Author: Lori Jean Glass

Separation and divorce are typically emotionally charged and challenging events. Marital breakup mostly arises from complicated circumstances. Knowing how to deal with divorce and how to seek emotional support is the key to making this experience less traumatic and can help you manage the negative effects of it. Continue reading to see how you can end your marriage on healthier terms and without the burden of guilt and mutual resentment. 

How Can I Have A Healthy Divorce?

Marital misunderstandings, conflicts, and bickering can be quite messy. Nevertheless, imagining a scenario where getting divorced is considered healthier than staying together might be a challenge. However, keep in mind that divorce isn’t negative or positive by definition. It can simply be the final proof that things haven’t worked out between you and your significant other. Moving on might seem like an optimal solution for an otherwise irreparable situation. 

However, knowing how to accept divorce and move on is sometimes easier said than done. In truth, many breakups are complicated, mixed with anger, fear, and anxiety. Consequently, many people find it hard to emotionally cope with divorce and reach acceptance. 

There are some ways to recognize a healthy marital breakup:

• You don’t battle each other or try to have the upper hand
• If you have children, you act as a team and prepare together to talk to them openly about the reality of their situation – with compassion 
• You resolve any resentment toward each other
• You don’t talk badly about your ex-spouse, and keep your circle boundaries close at hand 
• You communicate and cooperate with each other
• You have turned from a married couple to close friends

Is It Better To Divorce Or Stay Unhappily Married?

While it might sound counterintuitive, the answer isn’t so straightforward. There are married couples that manage to salvage their relationship after a period of separation, detachment, or resentment. On the other hand, becoming happily divorced after an unhappy marriage is feasible for couples that have grown very far apart. Many couples are still reluctant to leave their marriage because they fear the effects it might leave on their family, children, social circle, and everyday life.  And, money often plays a big role in keeping couples together.

Let’s take a look at the negative and positive side-effects of divorce: 

What Are The Side Effects Of Divorce?

Divorce rarely comes without worries, feelings of loss, and negative effects, making it potentially traumatic. Surviving divorce without suffering emotionally is quite unrealistic. And, a marital breakup is likely to bring the following side effects: 

• Grief, depression, or guilt for being unable to save your marriage can accompany the initial excitement of your newly found independence.
• A great deal of anxiety and fear of the unknown, as you’ve left a less-than-perfect, although somewhat familiar position of an unhappy relationship.
• You may go through sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do with your time.
• Financial stresses can impact a family system in many ways. Money challenges and differences often takes a front row seat in a divorce. 
• Your children need more than just an explanation, and you have to do a lot of reassuring and healthy actions tto help them with the transition..
• Changes in your social circle, with some of your mutual friends picking one side or the other, or other married couples distancing themselves from both of you. 

What Are The Pros Of Divorce?

Of course, leaving an unhappy marriage can be seen as a benefit in itself. And, there are stages of separation and divorce you need to consider. Here are some early advantages:

• Less conflict and tension for everyone involved. Leaving a toxic or emotionally neglectful relationship will give you a break from constant arguing. It will also spare your children the tension and will give everyone more clarity and calmness. After a while, they will get used to the new situation.
• Opportunities to learn about and work on yourself. You’ll be more likely to have a fresh look at your strengths and weaknesses, and work on empowering yourself one step at a time. 
• More time for your friends and family. You can use your newly found freedom to spend quality time with family members and friends. 
• Better parenting skills. Although you may feel guilty for your kids initially, if you have reached a reasonable compromise with your ex, you may find that you are able to become more effective in your parenting role.

How Do You Prepare For A Healthy Divorce?

When you make a decision to end your marriage, you may need to tread lightly. Whether you both agree to part ways, or your spouse is unwilling to accept it, you’ll need time to adapt to the new situation and consider all the details. 

Talk It Out

Clear communication with your spouse is paramount in order to have a healthy divorce and ensure you move on without anger, resentment, and anxiety. Make sure to cover all the details and talk about how you feel. Try not to put the blame on them and be open to hearing their side of the story.  

Be On The Same Page

Whether you’re discussing coparenting, financial realities, moving out, sorting out your belongings, or spending time with your friends, it’s important that you work towards understanding each other.  You are on a crossroads and delving into bickering and confrontation might only waste your time and energy. 

Tap Into Your Support Network

You can’t rely only on your devices to get you through a period of uncertainty. To get back on your feet, don’t shy away from reaching out to your family or friends, and find time to speak with a professional coach or counselor. 

Take Care Of Yourself

Whether you choose to part ways or you’re confronted by your spouse who is wanting to end the relationship, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Find ways to spend your free time creatively, or revisit some of the hobbies that you haven’t had the time to take up before. Stick to your routine and be gentle with yourself. 

Where Can I Find A Relationship Coaching Retreat For Individuals Following Divorce?

If you’re recovering from a divorce, PIVOT can help you with experience-based individual coaching sessions for divorcees. We can help you identify unhealthy patterns of behavior and emotion, and work with you to develop new strategies in relating to yourself and others. Married couples who are considering rekindling their relationship after separation or divorce can find support with relationship advocates in our Glass House workshops for reconnection. 

Our relationship coaches have many years of experience helping couples and individuals reach valuable insights and make significant changes. Give us a call today and find out more about how to start a new phase in your emotional life.

Marriage separation is a tough decision to make, and it can be even tougher to follow through with it. If you’re on the fence about whether or not to split up, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in this situation, struggling to determine whether or not heading toward divorce is the best option. 

There are many factors that go into making the decision to separate or divorce. If you and your spouse are unable to agree on key issues, there are challenges that you are unable to overcome together, and you don’t find your relationship fulfilling, separating may be the best solution for the both of you. 

Know this, if there is still a certain level of love and respect between you and your partner, it may be possible to work things out. 

Can A Separation Save A Marriage?

Sometimes, a separation can provide much-needed time and space for reflection and growth. If both partners are willing to work on communication and rebuilding trust, there’s a good chance that the marriage can be saved. If it uncovers some unhealthy patterns of feeling and behavior from each side, it can show room for improvement.

However, if there is no willingness to work on the relationship, a separation is unlikely to make any difference. In some cases, a separation can actually do more harm than good. If there is already a great deal of animosity between the spouses, living apart may aggravate the situation because issues like custody and visitation rights often lead to conflict. 

There are certain things to consider before separatingThey’ll help you figure out if there’s still hope for the relationship: 

• Were there bitter arguments before you separated?
• Was there a history of jealousy, affairs, or physical confrontation?
• Have you ignored or neglected the signs of emotional detachment? 
• Has the situation become difficult for your children and family? 

What Does A Healthy Separation Look Like? 

A healthy separation is one in which both parties are able to take the time they need to heal and move on. It’s important to have realistic expectations about what a separation can achieve; in many cases, it won’t be possible to completely eliminate all contact or communication, or put the pieces of your relationship back together.

However, it’s possible to create healthy boundaries that allow both parties to move forward. This may involve limiting contact to certain times or places, or establishing rules about what topics can be discussed. 

By respecting each other’s need for space and taking the time to heal, it’s possible to create a healthy separation that provides a foundation for moving on or getting back together.

What Is The First Thing To Do When Separating?

Separating from your spouse is a difficult and emotionally tumultuous process. You may be feeling a range of intense emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and relief. 

Here are some of the issues to take care of when you enter the process:

• Get a lawyer: One of the first things  to do when separating is to consult with a lawyer. They can provide you with information about your legal rights and obligations in case you decide to pursue a divorce, and can help you navigate the process. 
• Agree to a communication plan:  Get a plan in place – one that you both will respect – so you are aware of the amount of times and topics that require you to be in contact with one another. 
• Relationship coaching: You can also consider seeking out help from a professional, as this can be a helpful way to deal with the emotional fallout of separation.
• Make sure you have a support network: It’s important to take care of yourself during this time and to reach out to friends and family for support. 

How Long Does The Average Separation Last?

The average separation lasts anywhere from a few months to several years. It often depends on the circumstances surrounding the separation, such as whether or not there are children involved.

The length of the separation also varies depending on how well the couple is able to communicate and work together. If you do decide to make the decision final, the goal is to reach a point where both parties feel comfortable with the arrangement and are able to co-parent effectively.

How Often Do Couples Reconcile After A Separation?

Couples reconcile after separation for different reasons and the rate of reconciliation varies. Some studies suggest that as many as 50% of couples who separated ultimately reconcile.

There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a couple reconciles. These include the length of the separation, the circumstances that led to the separation, the level of conflict in the relationship, and whether or not there is still love and respect between the partners. 

Couples who have only been separated for a short time are more likely to reconcile than those who have been apart for longer. Couples who have separated due to circumstances beyond their control, such as job loss or illness, are also more likely to get back together. By the same token, if there was cheating and repeated patterns of abuse, it’s less likely that the relationship will recuperate.

In general, couples who are able to work through their issues and communicate effectively are more likely to reconcile than those who cannot. Ultimately, every couple is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether or not they will reconcile after separating.

However, understanding the factors that contribute to reconciliation can help couples make a decision that’s right for them.

Can A Relationship Coach Help Me Deal With Separation?

Men and women who are recovering from a traumatic divorce or separation don’t have to go through this experience on their own. Here at PIVOT, a team of experienced and compassionate coaches can help you through individual retreat programs to overcome the trauma of a failing marriage, and tackle other underlying issues. Married couples are welcome at our Glass House to attend intensive workshops to mitigate tension in their relationship, away from everyday distractions. Give us a call today and we’ll gladly discuss all the details and how we can accommodate you.

Even in the happiest of marriages, there seems to be a risk of the relationship feeling like a chore at times. It’s common to start losing focus while you’re devoted to other responsibilities. That is not to say that you feel resentment or bitterness toward each other, you have just stopped putting any conscious effort to keep the relationship vibrant. 

You may wonder, as many couples do, how you can get back to that point when you were much more invested in each other. Fortunately, there are ways to work against your relationship avoidance and rejuvenate your marriage with some fresh ideas. 

If you’re determined to work on yourself and your relationship, you may need to find ways to think outside the box. This might involve doing things like taking responsibility and allowing yourself to be playful. 

How Do You Get The Excitement Back Into A Relationship?

At the very beginning of your relationship, everything was probably fun and exciting. You were like a newly found, uncharted territory to one another. There were so many secrets to uncover, so many questions to ask, and so many intriguing things to share and learn from each other. 

Inevitably, this was just your initial phase. Your job, parental duties, and other responsibilities have drawn you away from each other, and you might have lost touch with that initial excitement. However, you can work on this with your partner.

While every relationship is different and what might work for you might not be the best course of action for someone else, you may consider the following: 

• Recall when was the last time you experienced something exciting together.
• Check whether there are some things that you postponed in the past that you might like to revisit.
• Appreciate the little things and gestures of your spouse.
• Question some of your rituals and introduce some variations.
• Try reintroducing fun in your everyday conversations.
• Remember to restore your physical connection and fondness.
• Find ways to handle and appreciate your differences in a constructive manner (even light bickering might be a positive way of handling this).

Why Are Surprises Important In Relationships?

One of the most common ways to revive the excitement and affection is by surprising your significant other. It doesn’t only serve to make the other person feel happy. It also shows your forethought and appreciation. However small it might seem, a well-timed surprise can turn their mindset around and get them to be more present in the here and now. 

Surprising your partner has the following benefits: 

• It shows that you’re thoughtful and that you’re not taking them for granted.
• You’re willing to go out of your way to plan and determine what will make them happy.
• It stimulates the curiosity and refreshes your relationship, making you both more prone to try out new things.
• It shows that you’re willing to take risks and step out of your everyday routine, which is of great value for your emotional life. 
• It can greatly boost passion and bring you closer together.

How Do I Keep The Excitement In My Marriage?

To think of things to spice up your relationship, talk to your partner and consider what you’d both like. Here are some examples.

1. Arrange A Romantic Dinner

Romantic dinners might seem like a cliche. However, you can make yours special by arranging it at a brand new place. Even better, you can do it at home, and include some special details that have a deeper meaning for your spouse. 

2. Throw A Surprise Gathering

Making a nice get-together for family and friends when your spouse least expects it can be great, just be careful: if they need some time alone, then it’s probably better to focus on options that include just the two of you. Stay inquisitive about each other’s needs and you’ll be less likely to end up in a misunderstanding.  

3. Arrange Something Special On Your Average Day

You don’t have to wait for your spouse’s birthday or your wedding anniversary to celebrate them. Try doing something that is outside your average routine on a random day. Unexpected treats can mean a lot and be used to rekindle the passion.

4. Send Each Other Gifts

You don’t have to make a big announcement or to have an excuse for treating your spouse. Sending a bouquet of flowers, a small gift basket, or any thoughtful gift may be just what you need to keep the excitement alive.

5. Take Up A Hobby Together

Go for something that you never thought you’d try before. However silly or awkward it might seem, being on the same level as them will allow you to find a source of support and comfort in your partner. To a certain degree, you might be able to better accept your insecurities and embrace the excitement of learning something new together. 

6. Go On An Adventure

It doesn’t have to be anything too extravagant or financially compromising. Without a doubt, visiting exotic destinations can be fulfilling, although you can still have a great time visiting a local nature resort, traveling to a nearby town, or renting an old cabin in the woods. 

7. Make A Gallery Of Your Memories

You’re probably worried that, after working hard to overcome a period of emotional disconnection, the fruits of your labor will slowly fade away. To make a reminder, document your memorable moments in every possible way: pick the best photos, videos, write a diary, and keep small souvenirs that will remind you of the happy times you had together. 

How Do You Control The Excitement In A Relationship?

Your everyday routine probably doesn’t allow you to devote 100% of your time to each other. You might soon realize that you can’t be in a constant state of excitement. In fact, romantic love usually has to encompass both the excitement of early infatuation and the calmness of mature affection. One plausible way to control the excitement in your relationship is to plan, schedule, and make small experiments, while sticking to some firm aspects of your routine. Otherwise, your expectations might become unrealistic, and you’d feel as if you’re making 

You may wonder if you’d have to sacrifice your boundaries and personal space to keep things exciting and new. Some people are hesitant to go that extra mile, as they fear they will get completely lost and get enmeshed with their loved one. This is why many turn to professional help, as they aim to find ways to spend quality time with their partners, without losing personal space.

Where Can I Attend A Purposeful And Experience-Based Intimacy In Marriage Intensive? 

Whether your goal is to learn more and work on your attachment patterns, or to set healthy boundaries and change your perspective on intimacy, PIVOT can help you in many ways. Our relationship advocates have the knowledge and resources to facilitate the process of deepening your intimacy in a couple-based retreat. What’s more, you can choose to work on your emotional life in individual coaching and change your outlook on your marriage or long-term relationship. Contact us today and embark on a road to excitement and self-discovery. 

Most people who’ve been in a long-term, committed relationship can recall times when it felt like you were spending all of your time together. You will also likely remember that there were times when you started feeling more distant or drifted away from your partner. This can be a sign that you’re starting to grow apart. However, it’s not necessarily a bad sign. It might be a result of changes in your career, complications with family and/or friends, a consequence of boredom with everyday routines etc. 

Many people struggle with understanding what to do with this felt sense of boredom. Rather than blaming yourself or each other, you may try to understand the nature of your unexpected emotional disconnection. Rather than let it turn into emotional neglect that can lead to challenges, you can seek professional help and learn how to improve intimacy in your relationship.

What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Detached?

If you feel emotionally detached, it means that you feel disengaged or disconnected from the feelings of people around you. 

It might manifest itself as the absence of motivation to be involved in the emotional lives of other people, or a lack of capacity for it. It can be a reaction to a stressful period, which is often temporary, or it can be a trait of your attachment style, especially if it was developed as a way to cope with traumatic events in life. 

How Do You Get Emotional Detachment?

If you had traumatic experiences as a child, detaching from the feelings of others can be a means to survive and keep negative emotions at bay. There are other scenarios that can lead to emotional detachment as well:

• Experiences of significant loss, such as a separation from a primary caregiver, parental divorce, or death of a parent or sibling.
• Having traumatic experiences growing up, including natural disasters, immigration to a different country, and going through life-threatening situations.
• Spending childhood in foster care or challenged adoption home.
• Experiences of emotional and/or physical abuse.
• Experiences of physical and/or emotional neglect.

Remember, not all people who have survived emotional trauma in childhood or adolescence develop emotional detachment or other avoidant behavior. Some people will try to trauma bond with their romantic partners, idealizing them or reliving their trauma, and many will be able to recover and start healthy relationships. 

How Do You Know If You Are Emotionally Detached In Your Marriage? 

Here are some of the possible signs of emotional detachment in a relationship:

• You take each other for granted.
• You have stopped listening closely and started shifting focus from your relationship to other interests when the focus needs to be on your relationship.
• You no longer respect your mutual rituals, i.e. you don’t have breakfast, dinner, or go to bed at the same time.
• When on a business trip or away, you only communicate routinely and don’t really want to call each other to check in.
• You have a fear of engulfment i.e. loss of boundaries with your spouse, which wasn’t the case in the past.
• Getting lost in your job and career role, using your work responsibilities as an excuse not to spend time with your significant other.
• You have trouble finding ways to balance your personal space and intimacy.
• You seek reassurance and resources for your emotional needs from other people. This doesn’t have to take the form of adultery or flirtation. However, it can take the form of emotional infidelity.

What Do You Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Partner?

If you want your relationship to be healthy, you will want to resolve it. You can start by looking at events that jeopardized your connection. You can also look up similarities with your past relationships, and see whether you’ve ever withdrawn the way you do right now. And, if you have no history of being emotionally detached, you might just need some personal space and your detachment is just temporary. 

It’s possible to reconnect by working on your relationship together. You may join a relationship workshop to help you pinpoint the causes of your emotional distance and work on bonding with each other again.

How Do I Emotionally Reconnect With My Spouse?

First, you may check whether the nature of your disconnection or detachment is traumatic or situational. Track down the source by taking your time and reflecting on the causes. 

1. Get To Know Yourself Better

Try to learn more about your needs and past experiences that you might’ve hidden deep. A relationship coach may help you discover your common relational patterns and attachment style.  Then you can work through the wounds that keep you from having a successful relationship.

2. Give Yourself Time

Be patient and gentle with yourself, so that you can be fair and caring for your spouse and your relationship. Sometimes, it will take you more than a short period of time to gain understanding and find a way to not avoid emotional intimacy.  

3. Recall Important Milestones Of Your Relationship

Reflect on the good times and the bad times. It may put your whole relationship into perspective and give you valuable insights.

4. Try To Get Into Their Shoes 

Try to see your relationship from your partner’s perspective. Talk to them to understand their position better and understand their wants and needs.  Then share yours and find common ground to rebuild your relationship.

5. Make Efforts To Rekindle Your Connection

You could do this with small gestures or by introducing the spirit of excitement and surprise. It’s a good idea to be creative and show that you care. Rebuilding your relationship on honesty, trust, and self-awareness is more likely to be successful, and a little effort often goes a long way.

How Can My Relationship Benefit From Experience-Based Intimacy Coaching? 

Whether you’re looking for a way to restore the warmth and passion in your long-term relationship or to work on your own patterns of attachment, you can count on our relationship advocates to PIVOT from your old ways and learn something new. 

We offer couple-based workshops that can help you improve your intimacy and mutual understanding, as well as private coaching sessions for individuals. 

You can pick the type of coaching you feel most comfortable with, and steadily. Give us a call today and embark on a journey toward a healthy emotional life. 

Intimacy and personal space can seem like two separate categories that are somewhat at odds to some people. While there are people who fear intimacy, especially because they see it as a threat to their own privacy and individuality, others might see it as a sign of selfishness and immaturity. Either way, things might not be so simple when you’re dealing with intimacy in marriage and trying to negotiate your personal time and space. 

In healthy relationships, both partners achieve a fine balance between their own time and their time together. Generally, if you both care for yourselves, you’ll be more likely to have a fulfilling relationship.

Find out how you may further improve your intimacy in marriage without sacrificing your boundaries. One of the options is to consider attending an intensive workshop or individual coaching. You’ll also find useful advice in this article. 

Should There Be Personal Space Between Spouses?

Many people fear that this will further lead to distance or emotional disconnect. However, this isn’t typically the case. Spending time apart or keeping certain things to yourself doesn’t have to lead to detachment and emotional neglect. On the contrary, it can be a healthy outlet, which helps you appreciate your partner and relationship even more.

What Does Personal Space Mean? 

There are several ways to describe personal space:

• Literally, it describes your immediate physical surroundings, your body, and whatever touches your skin.
• It can also mean the time and activities that you do on your own. For example, this can be you reading a book, fishing, or riding a bike in a nearby park.
• It may mean an actual physical space where you can relax, work on a project, meditate, or reflect. For example, you can set up your home office, studio, or a small nook where you relax or work on your ideas.
• It can be used to mean the interests you had before your current relationship, especially if you don’t share them with your partner. For instance, this can be a time for sports, some retail therapy, or another hobby.

Is It Wrong To Want Personal Space In A Relationship?

Feeling like you need to step back and take care of yourself can be perfectly normal in many circumstances. However, if you feel like you’re drifting apart from your partner and don’t want to spend time with them anymore, it might be useful to determine your attachment style and whether your relationship is built on a healthy foundation. 

What Is The Importance Of Personal Space?

The importance and benefits of personal space might feel familiar to you from your early teenage years when you tried to negotiate it with your parents. However, it might seem challenging to actually understand what it means as an adult. Once you enter a committed relationship, you might need to make adjustments and feel like you have to reclaim some personal space for yourself. For some people, it might seem impossible because they may worry that this will jeopardize their relationship. 

Here’s just a glimpse of why personal space is important: 

For You As An Individual:

• It may preserve your sense of independence.
• It may reaffirm your boundaries and self-esteem.
• It may give you reassurance during difficult times.
• It may give you an opportunity to have creative thoughts and outlets that can bring interesting conversations and experiences to share with your partner later.  Keeps it interesting! 

For You As A Couple: 

• You may realize that the boundaries are there to keep you safely connected.
• Your time for yourself may give you better insight into the value of your relationship.
• You may come up with new perspectives and work together to improve your relationship.
• You might be more eager to spend time with each other.

How Do You Maintain Personal Space In A Relationship?

Many couples start to question their relationship when it enters a more complicated phase and begins to feel like a bumpy ride. Creating personal space may help to take a step back and take time to yourself. 

Having a time of day or week when you can devote it to yourself might feel like a luxury, especially when you’re juggling parenting, your career, and other daily responsibilities. 

Maintaining valuable time for yourself is essential. And, it can be achieved if you and your partner are willing to work together and take responsibility to make sure it happens. 

How Do You Give Space In A Relationship Without Drifting Apart?

While some married couples face no issues in trusting each other and setting aside enough time for individual activities and interests, you may feel uneasy letting go. If you feel like allowing your partner to have their own time and space is going to cause a breakup, you might need to work on your own past wounds that are causing this level of control in the relationship. 

If you find it challenging at first, it might be worthwhile to try some thought experiments. Instead of going down every negative scenario that might occur, you could come up with some strategies to cope with what you find potentially threatening. You may want to talk with your partner and a relationship coach to work actively on a solution. 

There are some strategies that you may try out:

• Try to map out the boundaries. Setting clear boundaries between your personal, social, and intimate space is key to keeping your relationship healthy and growing.
• Learn how to respect each other. Respecting each other and your differences can be crucial in preventing the feeling of enmeshment. It can also dispel your worries that you’re secretly feeling resentment toward each other. 
• Be decisive. If your spouse is being very apprehensive about your personal time, try to make a decisive move and demonstrate that it’s not something to worry about. 
• Make a schedule for time with your kids, your friends, your spouse, and yourself. Although it might seem like a purely technical thing to do, writing a schedule will leave you feeling less guilty about missing out, or not spending enough time with your partner. It may give you better control of your time and insight into your needs. Also, it might give you the opportunity to rediscover the excitement in your relationship.
• Keep the communication open and honest. You may discuss your fears, anxieties, and insecurities about your relationship. When you decide to speak out about unspoken disagreements and start being frank about how you feel without playing the blame game, you may come closer to reclaiming your space. This can improve the quality of your relationship.

Where Can I Find Experience-Based Relationship Coaching And Retreat For Individuals? 

Whether you struggle with setting firm boundaries with your spouse or finding a way to further strengthen your bond, you can get great help from experienced relationship advocates at PIVOT. You can try out intensive couple-based retreats in our Glass House and work on further enhancing your relationship, or choose to work individually on your attachment issues and emotional struggles. Feel free to contact us today!

While most people strive to establish a fulfilling and lasting romantic relationship, most have wondered whether they have lost their sense of individuality by becoming a couple. It’s not uncommon to feel like you’re sacrificing your individuality for the sake of the relationship and your partner. 

While you may be dealing with actual codependency, these feelings may just be prompted by your unfounded fears. They may also be a signal of tapping into some intimacy problems in your relationship. Continue reading to learn more about relationship engulfment, its potential causes, and healthy solutions to this problem.

What Are Signs Of Relationship Engulfment?

Engulfment or enmeshment denotes a state in a relationship where boundaries are unclear or practically non-existent. Here are some tell-tale signs that may indicate you’re dealing with engulfment in your relationship:

• Emotions may become blurred, to the point of not discerning between positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy, and your own and the other person’s feelings. You may unconsciously seek negativity and instability, as it “feels like home” from untreated family of origin attachment wounds. 
• Individuality feels like selfishness. Attempts to think and act independently are sabotaged by guilt, criticism, and anxiety. You may put your own identity aside, as your partner defines who you are. 
• You’re focused on pleasing others, where you truly believe that your feelings and needs aren’t equally important. This is more likely to make you susceptible to all kinds of manipulation and people-pleasing behavior.
• How you feel depends on another person. While you may think you’re just being empathetic, letting your partner’s feelings influence your own to the extent that your mood reflects theirs at times isn’t healthy.
• You feel like you have to play the role. For example, it can be a role of a caregiver, a victim of circumstances, or a savior of your emotionally unstable partner. It may make you feel like you don’t have a right to take a break or make room for some personal space as things may fall apart without your help.
• You fear conflict. You employ different tactics to appease your partner. If you do enter a conflict, you may either withdraw as you don’t know how to voice your disagreement, or act out of affect, without considering the consequences fully. 
• It’s up to you to fix things. Whatever goes wrong, you may feel the duty to roll up your sleeves and repair the damage. For example, if there’s a disagreement, you may be quick to compromise your values and wishes.

What Is The Difference Between Enmeshment And Codependency?

A codependent person enables or rescues another person who acts out in a variety of ways. They can be physically or emotionally abusive toward you, neglectful or distant, or abuse substances as a way to cope with their unresolved trauma. 

Enmeshment can be seen as one of the aspects of codependency. It’s not only about reliance or being consumed by your partner. Your sense of self and identity can become deeply intertwined with them. You may adopt the way they talk and behave, take their set of beliefs as your own, and ignore your initial likes and dislikes to appease them. Even though their demands may not be expressed outright, you’re susceptible to their cues and do everything you can to keep them by your side.

What Is Enmeshment Or Engulfment Trauma?

While emotional neglect is known to be harmful in childhood, too much parental attention and care may also do harm. This is the primary meaning of engulfment or enmeshment trauma. One example is “helicopter parenting”, where parents become overbearing and controlling, trying to cater to all needs and prevent any negative outcome. Given that this is usually impossible, an overprotected child can grow up with a strong feeling of inadequacy and guilt. 

Another example is when a child is put into a pseudo-parental role, having to cater to the emotional needs of one of the parents. For example, a mom could be complaining to her daughter about her spouse, expecting counsel and support. This can be further complicated by emotional neglect or abuse by one of the parental figures. This inversion of familial roles can lead to difficulties establishing secure attachment in your adult relationships.  

An adult that was stripped away from their opportunity to be adequately cared for in childhood is likely to seek dysfunctional and narcissistic partners, as that’s the type of relationship they have most experience with. However, you may also develop a completely opposite strategy in dealing with intimacy, abandoning partners or friends whenever they get too close, which may be equally unhealthy. 

What Does Fear Of Engulfment Look Like?

If you didn’t grow up in an enmeshed household and your parents neglected your needs for affection and care, you could find it difficult later on to accept closeness, interdependence, and intimacy. 

This can also result from childhood engulfment trauma or even a relationship-related trauma in adulthood that can cause you to shift your attachment pattern. You may start to fear any type of emotional relationship as invasive, unfair, or generally harmful for you. This may lead you to develop avoidant attachment style characteristics and face difficulties in maintaining long-term relationships. 

Fortunately, you may work on steadily reconnecting and investing more time and energy in your relationship in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your sense of independence, yet it might be a long journey to take. 

How Do You Overcome Enmeshment In Intimacy?

Whether you fear feeling engulfed or you have a history of codependency and enmeshment in your intimate relationships, there are ways to be better prepared, become aware of these patterns, and learn how to handle them:

1. Set Internal Boundaries 

Clear internal boundaries are one of the essential tenets of a healthy relationship. However, if you haven’t learned how to set them, you may need some time to first map out situations where you usually don’t draw the line. You may want to learn when to say “No” and how to negotiate your needs. 

2. Discover Yourself 

While selflessness might sound noble and altruistic, it’s not the same as a lack of a strong sense of self. If you’re constantly seeking guidance, approval, or validation from the person to who you emotionally cater, you’re likely to lose your identity in the process.

3. Overcome Guilt

This is not an easy task, as it requires breaking away from the expectations of your parents, partner, and close friends. Set your goals, focus on your needs, and keep the bigger picture in mind. You may soon develop a new role for yourself and play by your own script. 

4. Get Support

Breaking an enmeshed or codependent pattern of behavior doesn’t mean that you have to be left to your own devices. Seek support from family members and friends that went through a similar situation, or talk to a professional. If you’re both willing to work together on becoming a functional, healthy couple, find an environment where you can talk about everything openly and without shame. 

Who Offers Experience-Based Relationship Intimacy Coaching Exercises? 

Our relationship coaches are at your service if you aim to PIVOT from your old mindset and adopt a new perspective on your marriage or long-term relationship. Whether you wish to discuss intimacy in your marriage as a couple in our Glasshouse environment or get acquainted with your emotional functioning in an individual coaching setting, we have you covered. 

We can help you work on reconnecting, developing healthy strategies to grow as a couple, find creative ways to revive excitement and passion in your marriage and many more. Reach out to us to find out how you can benefit from our Glasshouse retreat!

Breaking away from your habits is rarely an easy undertaking. If you’ve ever tried to give up a  pattern of behavior, you know that it takes much more than just making a decision. The same may apply to a cycle of addictive, love avoidant, or abusive relationship patterns. 

The dynamic in most romantic relationships relies heavily on mutually compatible common attachment styles. You may wonder about the very nature of your common attachment style and why it developed the way it did. 

By understanding how you relate to your romantic partners, you’ll be more likely to gain better control and a more realistic sense of self, which can become a basis for a healthy relationship. Keep reading to find out what it takes to discover your attachment style and potentially change it. 

Can Adults Change Their Attachment Style?

You’re probably wondering about the meaning of the word “attachment”, and how many different styles there are. Attachment is a strong feeling, affection, and emotional connection to another person. It’s a trait that starts developing in infancy when a baby starts showing certain preferences towards a particular caregiver. After about ten months, the infant will start to grow bonds with other people. These early experiences are the foundation of your future intimate relationships. 

These styles of emotional connection can be seen as persistent patterns of feeling, thinking, and behavior. There are four basic types: 

• Anxious – this style is characterized by emotional neediness, a desperate need to be with others, and low-self esteem. It is usually linked with inconsistent parenting.
• Avoidant – the people described as avoidant tend to easily detach, prefer their independence over everything else, and have issues establishing or handling intimacy. They are usually afraid of commitment and may feel smothered when approached by people who care. 
• Ambivalent – this style combines fear of abandonment and contradictory needs for distancing and belonging. As children, these people didn’t get the right kind of emotional attention. It may feel as if you’re stuck and waiting for others to make decisions for you.
• Secure – this style combines feelings of adequacy among people with the ability to be on their own, demonstrating high levels of self-acceptance, trust in other people, ability to self-reflect in intimate relationships, and to set clear and healthy boundaries. 

What we know to be true is that most people can exhibit all the four styles above depending on who they are attaching too!  Yes, most people have a common style, especially in a romantic relationship, however, the other styles are also present at times!  Be careful not to lock yourself in with a “label” by taking an online assessment test and think you only have one type of attachment!  

Do Attachment Styles Vary Across Relationships?

You may wonder if you’ve been consistent in your relationship patterns and whether your partners somehow influenced your attachment style. While your early experiences probably played a much more important role in shaping how you relate and behave in your intimate relationships, some partners could’ve played a similar role, stirring you towards the position you’re in at the moment. 

Can Adult Trauma Change Your Attachment Style?

Childhood experiences, especially traumatic ones, seem to be crucial in shaping adult attachment styles, as well as other personality traits. As for traumatic events that occur in adulthood, you may expect a slight shift in your attachment pattern. 

For example, in the case of a tragic loss of a significant other, you can feel guilty or lost when seeking emotional comfort. Or, after an unexpected and complicated divorce, you could lose faith in love or develop disdain and resentment towards your ex or any prospective future partner. Finally, after leaving an abusive relationship, you can become insecure and emotionally distant in your future relationships, or express a higher level of anxiety and neediness. 

Since every traumatic event is tangled with a sense of loss, shock, and disorientation, it takes time to heal, and it can lead to temporary or permanent changes in how you relate to your partner, family members, and love interests, or friends. If you do have strong coping skills and a support network that will help you get back on track, you might not see so much of the disturbance. 

Can Attachment Styles Change For The Worse?

Unfortunately, in some relationships, emotional patterns can become more dysfunctional over time. Many factors contribute, for instance, if your avoidant or anxious traits are consistently met with positive reinforcement, you may start to employ more avoidant, manipulative, or narcissistic tactics to get what you want. 

You might start to make compromises and stay in unhealthy relationships despite emotional neglect or abuse. 

How Do You Develop A Secure Attachment Style?

It’s possible to make significant changes over time and feel better about yourself – and yourself in relationship to others. If your primary issue is fear of abandonment, not being seen, not feeling like you are enough, then you may need to focus on self-acceptance. If your goal is to overcome strong emotional outbursts and feelings of inadequacy, your focus may be more on monitoring, controlling, and understanding your emotions.  

1. Learn And Practice Anger Management

A healthy way to curb outbursts would be to learn how to handle your emotions more tactfully and patiently. You can learn to acknowledge a level of disagreement or frustration without lashing out. Instead, learn to communicate your discontent respectfully with your significant other and with people in general. This may give your relationship a chance to survive and grow stronger.

2. Learn How To Express Emotions Constructively

Learning how to express yourself emotionally doesn’t mean silencing your voice, suppressing anger, or expressing only the positive. It may be crucial to identify the source of your frustration, rather than to play the victim card, or the blame game. It involves a great deal of accountability, transparency, and honesty toward yourself and your partner.  Messy conversations can be healthy.  

3. Adopt Mindfulness And Pay Attention To Your Thoughts

To overcome anxiety and identify ineffective or outdated coping mechanisms, you may practice a series of easy mindfulness exercises. Learn how to monitor your thoughts, control your breathing, name your feelings, and identify triggers. This may give you a better understanding of your inner unconscious or subconscious dynamic and provoke you to further explore your relationship. 

4. Get To Know Yourself Better

This usually means getting out of the ordinary and leaving your comfort zone. For example, you could try out a new hobby. Explore your favorite topics from different angles. You may want to introduce some risk into your routine. Let loose of your controls. Break some unspoken promises and see how it unravels. Try getting back on your feet despite your prejudices and insecurities. Equip yourself with some new insights and move on. See how it reflects on your relationship.  

5. Boost Your Self-Esteem

Every success has humble beginnings. You may seek out your validation out of something small and measurable. Start small, and then move on to bigger pursuits. You may help your self-esteem by changing your general lifestyle, taking care of your diet, exercise, and health in general, and writing a diary. Finally, you may reward yourself for making conscious positive decisions that go against your habitual, albeit dysfunctional gut feeling.

6. Get Rid Of Unhealthy And Counterproductive Connections

When you’re committed to change and personal growth, you may need to clean up your connections. Hit the pause button on friendships that are robbing you of your time and energy. Identify toxic patterns of behavior. See how you can take better care of yourself. Focus on relationships that are based on trust and acceptance. 

7. Lean On The Support Of Friends And Family

When working out your way to finding new strategies to deal with emotional attachment, you may first seek resources for your needs of safety and acceptance. In an ideal world, you may wish to cling to support from a securely attached partner to help you shift your perspective. A more likely scenario would be to seek support from your close friends and family members in overcoming times of emotional crisis. 

8. Seek Professional Help

You don’t need to struggle all alone since the assistance of experienced relationship coaches is readily available. Although you may achieve significant progress on your own, leaning on the knowledge and experience of a non-biased listener might be the missing piece that can aid recovery and personal growth.

Where Can We Find Insightful Codependent Relationship Intensives? 

When you aspire to break away from unhealthy attachment and relieve yourself of guilt, anxiety, and self-loathing, you can PIVOT at one of our retreats. Our relationship advocates can help you discuss and uncover many important topics such as the importance of respecting personal space and privacy in intimacy and overcoming emotional enmeshment in your relationship. With our help, you can discover the sources of conflicts and find new ways to reintroduce passion and excitement to your marriage.

You can work on your marriage intimacy or long-term relationship goals in a couple-focused setting or unpack your attachment history in one-on-one coaching sessions. Reach out to us to find out how you can benefit from our help!