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We are creatures of emotion. Feelings are a driving force behind most every action we take. They are the light that guides us through life. They are the very basis of our interactions with the world and, especially, the people that surround us.

Our feelings toward others and ourselves help define our actions.

What happens when emotions become overwhelming? When the disbalance between positive and negative ones shifts toward the latter? That’s when we start putting fail-safes in place and start developing strategies to protect ourselves from the proverbial flood. One of those strategies is emotional detachment.

Emotional detachment represents a state where a person becomes disconnected from their feelings, either as a response to difficult situations or as means to cope with stress, anxiety, pain, or fear. When that happens, an individual may exhibit a general unwillingness or inability to adequately, or at all, respond to situations that typically trigger strong emotional reactions.

This state of mind can be severely detrimental to virtually every aspect of a person’s quality of life, which is why understanding the meaning behind emotional detachment, as well as its causes and signs is essential for a person’s overall well-being.

What Causes Emotional Detachment?

Emotional detachment is a complex issue, mainly because its causes can be completely situational or they can stem from a long line of past events and experiences. Some of the most common causes of this condition include:

• Trauma: Those that experienced trauma may disconnect themselves from their emotions as a way to avoid the pain associated with the trauma;
• Childhood experiences: Individuals who grew up in emotionally deprived environments, neglected, or abused often struggle to create meaningful connections in their adulthood;
• Mental health disorders: Individuals suffering from mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), may have trouble regulating their emotions, resorting to detachment as a way of coping;
• Personality disorders: Some personality disorders (e.g. borderline personality disorder (BPD), avoidant personality disorder (APD), etc.) can cause emotional detachment as one of the symptoms;
• Substance abuse: Substance abuse is often a way to numb or avoid difficult emotions, which is why those that suffer from substance use disorder often become detached from their loved ones.

It’s important to note that emotional detachment can be a willing, intentional, and also a temporary choice. Such is the case in situations where we know we’ll get agitated, angry, or we may need to buy some time to process our feelings. It’s essential to stay cool and focused. In these cases, emotional detachment can be quite an effective “preventative measure” against our feelings getting the better of us. 

What Are The Signs Of Emotional Detachment?

Emotional detachment can manifest itself in many different ways, some of which are subtle and barely noticeable, while others can be visible at a glance. Some of the most common symptoms a person can experience are:

• Numbness: Inability to feel anything at all, or having a rather limited array of emotions;
• Avoidance: Avoiding social situations or people who could trigger an emotional response;
• Apathy: General disinterest or lack of motivation to partake in activities they once enjoyed;
• Disconnection: Feeling that they are a passive observer, rather than an active participant in their own life;
• Difficulty expressing emotions: Struggling to convey or, even, identify their emotions.

If you notice some of the above signs, whether in yourself or someone close to you, it is essential to seek professional help as soon as possible. While emotional detachment is not an official medical condition, it may be a sign of an underlying mental health issue, such as depression, which can be perilous if left unattended.

How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment Issues?

Both the situational nature of emotional detachment and its potential to “mask” a more severe underlying condition make it rather challenging to overcome. As such, seeking professional help is highly recommended, as it is the best way to address the issue, as well as factors that may have led to its formation.

Practices That Can Help With Emotional Detachment

Aside from professional help, there are some methods that can help you keep emotional detachment in check:

• Practice mindfulness: Some mindfulness practices, such as meditation and yoga, can help you become more in-tune with your emotions and physical sensations;
• Connect with others: Hanging out with family and friends brings about a sense of belonging and reliability, both of which can be immensely powerful tools for overcoming emotional detachment;
• Practice self-awareness: Understanding your emotions, as well as how and what triggers them can help you become more connected to them;
• Focus on self-care: Regular exercise, quality sleep, and a balanced diet are all proven ways to improve your mental and physical health.

Reconnect With Your Feelings And Overcome Emotional Detachment In A Healthy And Constructive Way

Emotional detachment can be a challenging issue to overcome. However, with the right support and guidance, it is possible to rekindle that spark and nurture it back into a cozy flame that warms the heart and soothes the soul.

At PIVOT, we provide a safe, nourishing, and non-judgmental Glass House retreat where you can explore your feelings and rebuild your connection with your emotions in a healthy and wholesome way. Our conscientious and compassionate coaching team will be with you every step of the way, to help you uncover the root of your emotional detachment, and provide the support and guidance you need to overcome it. We are here to help you find your way to a better, happier life.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were trying to communicate with someone and they completely shut down? Where, no matter how hard you try, which angle you take, and how you choose to approach the discussion you receive zero response? If the answer is “yes”, you’ve likely experienced stonewalling.

This communication behavior can be downright excruciating. After all, when every attempt to improve your relationship is falling on deaf ears, when you’re constantly walking on eggshells, being afraid to bring up important issues or express your concerns so you don’t trigger the shut-down response, it is easy to feel frustrated, powerless, and isolated.

Fortunately, there is a silver lining. With the right methods and strategies, stonewalling in a relationship can be addressed, improved, and, in some cases, rooted out entirely. By taking a proactive approach and learning how to respond to stonewalling in a healthy and productive way, you can start to rebuild trust and establish more effective and meaningful communication that will lead to a stronger, healthier relationship.

What’s The Definition Of Stonewalling?

By definition, stonewalling is a communication behavior in which one person (“stonewaller”) refuses to engage or respond to the other person’s attempts to communicate, usually during a conflict or a difficult conversation.

Stonewalling can manifest itself in a variety of ways. The most common ones include:

• Avoiding any discussion about one’s feelings (mainly due to general discomfort);
• Refusing to offer nonverbal communication cues (e.g. avoiding eye contact, maintaining neutral facial expression, etc.);
• Giving short or noncommittal responses;
• Diminishing the other person’s concerns of straight out dismissing them;
• Refusing to engage and/or respond to communication;
• Walking away from discussion without any warning or explanation;
• Outright refusing to discuss the issue at hand.

It’s important to note that stonewalling occurs on a spectrum, with varying degrees of intensity. In some cases, a person may occasionally or briefly refuse to respond while, in others, they may withdraw completely for months on end. And, If someone is unsafe and a person chooses to not have a relationship with them, this is not stonewalling.  Every person has a right to protect themselves. 

In regards to stonewalling, this type of behavior can be a significant barrier to building a strong and healthy relationship, as it prevents effective communication and conflict resolution, which is why it is essential to understand how to recognize and address it.

Is Stonewalling Manipulative In A Relationship?

There is no simple “yes” or “no” answer to this question. Stonewalling is a complex issue and whether or not it is ill-intended (i.e. manipulative) depends entirely on the causes that led to the person adopting this type of behavior. 

Stonewalling As A Defensive Strategy

In the majority of cases, stonewalling develops as a defense mechanism to either:

• Protect oneself from being emotionally overwhelmed due to the inability to adequately process or express how they feel;
• As a way to suppress complex and, often, hurtful emotions deeply rooted in a person’s psyche.

In the above cases, stonewalling cannot be considered ill-intentioned, simply because it is not intentional. Rather, it is a learned behavior, a maladaptive coping mechanism born out of fear, anxiety, and/or frustration. This is a indication to do attachment work. 

However, even if a person adopts this behavior out of “necessity”, it is still an unhealthy way to cope with emotional distress. In the most extreme cases, stonewalling can even be dangerous to a person’s mental health, since bottling up emotions leads to a higher risk of developing chronic illnesses and mental health disorders.

In this instance, it is highly advisable for a person to seek professional help and guidance. Today there are many effective strategies that can help a person get more in tune with their emotions and, as such, help them develop healthy coping mechanisms.  PIVOT can help identify what those habitual actions are and help shift into healthier actions based on one’s individual wants and needs. 

Stonewalling As Emotional Abuse/Manipulation Tactics

Whereas stonewalling as a defense mechanism is unintentional and, therefore, innocent, if this tactic is willingly and intentionally employed as a means to an end, it becomes the complete opposite. Stonewalling can be considered manipulative and even abusive when a person uses it to:

• Control the conversation and, by extension, the relationship;
• Belittle, disrespect, and demean their partner;
• Avoid responsibilities;
• Deflect blame;
• Punish their partner for (perceived) wrongdoings.

In these instances, stonewalling is born out of a selfish and, often, immature desire to assert dominance over the other person, all while avoiding conflict and meaningful resolution to the issue at hand. As such, this type of behavior is both manipulative and highly toxic, too.

What Type Of Person Uses Stonewalling?

There is no one specific type of person who uses stonewalling. People of any age, gender, background, convictions, or personality can resort to this behavior as a way to cope with stress, fear, anxiety, or a whole range of other emotions.

That said, there are certain behavioral and thought patterns that can make a person more prone to using stonewalling in difficult or conflicting situations. Said factors often have a basis in past experiences that influenced the forming of their attachment style and emotional regulation skills.

How Do You Respond To Stonewalling?

Dealing with stonewalling can be incredibly difficult and frustrating and, in some cases, even infuriating. Fortunately, from these, we can extrapolate how you need to approach the problem: with patience, tactfulness, and a clear mind.

Here are some of the best ways to deal with stonewalling:

1. Keep your cool. Don’t allow yourself to get angry or agitated and don’t get defensive. Acting on impulse can only escalate the situation and cause the other person to retreat deeper into their shell;
2. Empathize. Try to see things from their point of view so as to understand what is causing them to shut down;
3. Define. Set clear boundaries and expectations for communication;
4. Reschedule the conversation. Taking a break will give both of you a chance to re-center, relax, and clear your thoughts;
5. Express your feelings. Use “I” statements to make it clear they are your feelings and not sound accusatory;
6. Encouragement. Give the other person a chance to express their feelings and explain their perspective without judging;
7. Control your responses. Take responsibility for your actions, reactions, and emotions in the situation to let the person know you’re not out to get them. Rather, you’re trying to solve the issue;
8. Practice active listening. Asking open-ended questions, making a conscious effort to understand their point of view, and reflecting on their responses is an amazing way to get them to share more.
9. Take the time to understand their motives and reasoning. Avoid making assumptions and jumping to conclusions;
10. Remain patient, yet persistent. Keep working toward a resolution keeping in mind that overcoming stonewalling behavior takes time and effort.

Tear Down The Stone Wall With Pivot’s Help

Ultimately, dealing with stonewalling can be exhausting and, at some point, it may be too much for one person to handle. If that happens, it’s crucial not to quit or give in to despair. Rather, it is much better to suggest seeking professional help, as it can make the whole process faster, more fruitful, and much more effective.

If you or someone you know is struggling with stonewalling in a relationship, know that there’s no need to suffer in silence. At PIVOT, we offer personalized coaching and in our Glass House retreat, you can find a variety of workshops that can help you and the person you care about break the pattern of stonewalling and rebuild it into a healthier, happier relationship.

Human beings possess the vast ability to form emotions and thoughts that “complex” doesn’t even begin to describe, let alone explain. Still, along with our incredible ability to think and feel, another trait that defines us as “human” is our inclination or, rather, existential need, to be accepted. To receive approval, affection, and recognition from those that surround us.

To belong.

However, that also means that, at times, we conform our thought, belief, and behavioral patterns to socially established norms deemed acceptable by people around us. Needless to say, that is easier said than done, since each person possesses a unique set of worldviews, resulting from their past experiences.

While some manage to fit in in a constructive and healthy way, others may struggle. This may lead them to develop coping and defense mechanisms that, while allowing them to fit in, tear them apart from the inside as it is in direct confrontation with what they believe in. One of those mechanisms is reaction formation.

By definition in psychology, reaction formation is a defense mechanism that causes individuals to behave in a way that is opposite to their true feelings or beliefs. This can lead to confusing and sometimes harmful interactions with others, especially when the behavior is not in line with the person’s true thoughts and feelings.

What Type Of Defense Mechanism Is Reaction Formation?

To understand reaction formation, first, we have to understand the concept of “defense mechanism”. The term was coined back in the late 1890s by Sigmund Freud and further crystalized by his daughter, Anna Freud during the late 1930s, to describe patterns we develop to protect or “defend” ourselves from distressing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. 

They separated these defense mechanisms into 3 distinct categories which are widely accepted in modern psychology:

• Primitive Defense Mechanisms;
• (Intermediate) Less Primitive, More Mature Defense Mechanisms;
• Mature Defense Mechanisms.

Primitive Defense Mechanisms (PDMs)

PDMs are mostly used by children or emotionally immature individuals. This form of defense is unconscious and automatic, as it stems from the behaviors people learn very early in their lives. PDMs are incredibly effective short-term. However, in the long term, they become increasingly detrimental to a person’s psychological, emotional, and social well-being. 

Some examples of primitive defense mechanisms include:

• Denial;
• Regression;
• Acting out.

Less Primitive, More Mature (Intermediate) Defense Mechanisms

Intermediate defense mechanisms are typically used by individuals who possess a better sense of self-awareness and are more emotionally mature. These strategies involve a certain degree of conscious effort and self-awareness and are, therefore, a much healthier way to cope with stress and anxiety.

Some examples of Less Primitive, More Mature defense mechanisms include:

• Humor;
• Rationalization;
• Suppression.

Since it involves a conscious effort and self-awareness in dealing with disconcerting emotions, Reaction formation falls under this category. Still, it is important to note that, while Intermediate defense mechanisms are much healthier than their Primitive counterparts, they are still not an ideal way to deal with difficult thoughts and emotions.

Mature Defense Mechanisms (MDMs)

MDMs are the healthiest and most effective ways to deal with stressful and difficult emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They are also the most constructive and helpful to the vast majority of adults, as they help address the underlying cause of the problem. As such, they provide a long-term, healthy coping solution rather than a temporary fix.

MDMs are also the most difficult defense mechanism to adopt since they require a conscious effort and a lot of self-reflection to take root. However, once they do take root, they promote personal growth and development, as well as help individuals become more resilient in the face of adversity.

Examples of Mature Defense Mechanisms include:

• Acceptance;
• Forgiveness;
• Empathy.

Is Reaction Formation A Good Defense Mechanism?

When it comes to defense mechanisms, the situation is rarely fully black or white. Reaction formation is no exception. Granted, this strategy can prove (somewhat) effective and (somewhat) beneficial in some situations, if applied properly and at the right time, which is hardly ever the case.

However, its limitations, particularly the potential to provoke adversity in others and oneself, make it an ill-suitable tool for prolonged or continuous use. While more advanced than primitive ones, reaction formation is still a far cry from mature coping strategies such as empathy or forgiveness.

Therefore, it is much better to work toward developing or adopting mature defense mechanisms over time. Especially so because advanced coping strategies can be learned, improved, and mastered over time, given enough practice and dedication, as well as professional help. At PIVOT, this would require what we call your Healthy Adult taking action from a higher level of consciousness. 

How Do You Identify Reaction Formation?

Identifying reaction formation can be challenging, both in others and oneself. This is due to the conflicting and opposing nature of this mechanism, as well as (falsely) passionate projection of strong beliefs and standpoints that all but bury true beliefs in the subconscious.

Still, there are some indicators that can point toward the usage of this coping strategy:

• Opposite behavior: Exhibiting behavior that is contradictory to what they think or feel. 
• Exaggerated behavior: Acting out of proportion in regard to the current situation. 
• Repetitive behavior: Forming habits that distract a person from their true thoughts or feelings.
• Discomfort: Becoming defensive, fazed, or upset about specific conversational topics or situations.
• Inconsistency: Changing one’s behavior in a sudden way whenever an uncomfortable situation arises.

Examples Of Reaction Formation

To better explain reaction formation we’ll provide an example that resembles a widespread real-life scenario. Let’s say that an individual falls in love with their best friend’s spouse. Based on existing societal norms, community guidelines, and an innate moral compass, said individual realizes that their feelings are wrong and possibly even distasteful.

However, since the individual struggles with these “unwanted” feelings (namely guilt and shame), they resort to reaction formation, in one of several ways: 

• Opposite behavior: An individual starts showing signs of indifference or even hostility towards the person they’re in love with.
• Exaggerated behavior: They start showering the person they’re attracted to with compliments and seeking their attention and approval.
• Repetitive behavior: They believe the other person doesn’t like them physically, so they start to obsessively exercise or spend excessive amounts of time grooming.
• Discomfort: They become defensive, fazed, or upset whenever the topic of the other person is brought up.
• Inconsistency: They start acting like a completely different, unrecognizable person when the object of their attraction is around.

What’s The Difference Between Reaction Formation, Projection, And Sublimation?

Projection and Sublimation share some similarities with reaction formation. However, they are entirely different coping mechanisms, which can easily be seen from their respective definitions:

• Projection is a primitive defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously attributes (or “projects”) their own unwanted feelings, thoughts, or impulses onto someone else;
• Sublimation is a mature coping strategy, in which a person channels their unwanted impulses into socially acceptable activities or behaviors.

As it stands, both projection and sublimation have a degree of self-deception or redirection of unwanted thoughts or emotions. However, what makes them different from reaction formation is the lack of behavior that is in direct opposition to what they truly think, feel, or believe.

Start A Chain Reaction That Will Help You Overcome Reaction Formation

Dealing with the effects of reaction formation can be challenging and emotionally exhausting. Whether you’ve been struggling with patterns of exaggerated or repetitive behavior, or you’re feeling so conflicted that no one, including yourself, cannot understand your actions anymore, it is time to seek support and guidance.

At PIVOT, you can find personalized and compassionate coaching that you need to break free from chains of reaction formation. Our Glass House retreat offers a safe, supportive environment where you can work through your feelings, identify harmful behaviors, and develop new, healthy coping strategies that will allow you to move on to a better life with clarity and confidence.

A link between adverse childhood experiences and various physical, emotional, and mental health challenges in adulthood was established long ago and is well documented. Childhood adversity is generally linked to multiple difficulties in adult life, even when it’s not as severe as emotional and physical abuse or neglect. One such example is parental separation. Studies show that children of divorced parents are more likely to suffer from mental health issues like anxiety and depression. However, recovery from divorce trauma is attainable.

Since children lack the capacity to deal rationally with difficult emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms, it’s up to parents to make their separation transpire as smoothly as possible. Allowing the child to witness verbal or physical violence or be pushed aside can make them feel unimportant, abandoned, rejected, or even blame themselves for the separation. Keeping a level head when you’re going through such an emotionally turbulent time yourself might seem impossible, but establishing some basic rules with your partner could help ease the transition.

Does Parental Separation Affect The Relationships Of Your Children?

Our adult relationships are influenced by a large number of distinct factors, both internal and external. For example, depending on the circumstances, parental separation might be devastating for one child, while another, living in an unstable home environment, might feel relieved to have the constant verbal or physical violence finally stop. Therefore, in some cases, the separation itself may not be as crucial if that type of relationship was presented to the child as ‘normal’ or usual. The influence of each parent as a role model is also significant.

Despite many links between parental separation and dysfunctional adult relationships of their children, many of those children manage to form meaningful and stable relationships as adults. This might depend on the nature of the separation or divorce and the type of relationship parents continue to have after. The emotional hardship and stress children experience could also stem from trying to please both parents, which can significantly influence their future ideas about love, relationships, and marriage.

How Can Your Separation Affect Your Children’s Future Relationships?

Despite every marriage and separation being different, some of its effects can be harmful in most cases, and they usually involve the child’s inability to cope with the emotions, as well as the influence on theattachment patterns they would form in adulthood. Results of the research into the link between attachment patterns and lower oxytocin levels contributed to the ever-growing body of evidence that connects childhood adversity with various adult life difficulties.

Parents’ separation or divorce is considered one of the adverse childhood experiences, and research suggests that it can predict the likelihood of mental health issues. For example, one study used oxytocin levels to predict the influence of parental divorce on an individual’s adult relationship and behavior patterns. Oxytocin is a hormone that plays a crucial role in parent-infant bonding, particularly during and after childbirth. It also affects other aspects of human behavior, like trust and romantic attachment.

The study presumed that oxytocin output gets altered by a perceived lack of parental care and the dissolution of parental bonds. It found lower oxytocin levels in people whose parents were separated or divorced during their childhood. The same research found that the same individuals are less comfortable with intimacy and closeness and prone to isolation from others – even through they craved it.  Their attachment styles were also described as “less secure” compared to participants whose parents stayed together.

Children of divorced parents were more likely to describe their parents as less caring or indifferent and exhibit:

• Trust issues.
• Avoiding marriage, choosing cohabitation instead of marriage, out of fear that it won’t last.
• Indifference or insensibility towards divorce; growing up with the idea that divorce is inevitable.
• Not expecting to marry.
• Higher chances of getting divorced:
• Lower quality of marriage.
• Recognizing parental behavior patterns in their own relationships.
• Afraid of repeating the same mistakes.

How Can Parents Help Children Cope With Separation Or Divorce?

The negative influence of a divorce is not the same for all children, and even though it poses considerable risks, harmful outcomes can be avoided. Since children experience their parents’ separation very intensely, parents can do their best to reduce the risks. Some of the factors are entirely within their control:

• The nature of conflict, duration, and presence of hostility.
• The overall quality of parenting before and after separation.
• The quality of the relationship between the parent and the child.

Parents can positively affect their children even during divorce if they’re in a position to manage the separation and their behavior in a controlled manner. This can be quite difficult for some parents as they might be going through a challenging time themselves. Many factors may seem out of control. Over disclosing details about the divorce, emeshing emotions with the child – usually from the parent who did not decide to end the marriage, and continued fighting amongst the adults creates more trauma and drama. 

Sometimes protecting the child from conflict is not always possible, depending on the stability of the household and each parent individually. This is particularly evident in abusive marriages. Additionally, socioeconomic factors can prevent adequate monitoring of the child’s activities, and parents might not be fully aware of the child’s feelings and thoughts.

However, when it comes to marriage separation advice, one of the crucial ways to reassure a child is to affirm their love for them constantly. If children are too young for conversation, love can be expressed through physical gestures like hugs, attention, and spending time with them. This will show them they’re not being pushed aside, abandoned, or disregarded.

One way to ensure you’re not neglecting your child’s needs is by creating routines for activities they enjoy. You can also pay particular attention to verbal and nonverbal cues, so you don’t miss your child’s attempts to express their feelings and provide them with comfort when needed.

PIVOT Can Help You Protect Yourself And Your Children From Divorce Trauma

Going through a divorce might feel like your whole world is falling apart, and you don’t know how to escape the chaos. Divorce is one of those “putting your own oxygen mask first” situations if you have children. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your child. Unfortunately, there are no magical solutions or universal marriage separation advice. Loving yourself during a divorce may seem impossible, but loving your child comes naturally without hesitation.

What might be challenging is remembering that loving your child and showing it means loving yourself. Being a good role model has nothing to do with divorce. The best role model for your child is a strong, independent, self-sufficient, and, most importantly, happy parent. You can find that person within yourself with guidance and support from our experienced relationship advocates. Alternatively, stepping away from the negativity for a few days may help you find that inner strength in the safe environment of our Glass House retreats.

People can have significantly different responses to experiencing any type of trauma. Some of them might struggle with post-traumatic stress or relationship disorder for a long time. Others will find a way to cope through various defense mechanisms, some unhealthy, some constructive. Those who manage to emerge from traumatic events enriched by their own strength and healing capabilities can experience post-traumatic growth.

While some are left with post-traumatic flashbacks, fears, anxiety, depression, and the inability to trust others and view the world as anything but a dangerous, scary place, there’s another side to these experiences. It will undoubtedly depend on the personal characteristics of each individual, the type of trauma they went through, the support they get, and other circumstances. However, overcoming trauma and coming out of it with a sense of personal growth is not uncommon either.

What is post-traumatic growth?

Post-traumatic growth is usually described as a positive transformation after experiencing and working through specific traumas. This theory, developed by psychologists, suggests that individuals who manage to endure and fight through emotional and psychological struggle following a traumatic experience or a prolonged period of adversity can emerge from it transformed and enriched by the strength they found within themselves. Naturally, not all people have an equal predisposition to handle trauma in such a positive way.

Studies suggest that people who are more extroverted and generally open to new experiences are more likely to be able to transform their trauma treatment into something meaningful and positive. It takes an active approach in their response to trauma to be able to reconsider and change belief systems, thought patterns, and behavior. Extroverts are also more likely to seek help from others, be more open, and share the details of the traumatic events or circumstances they were subjected to.

Another essential factor pertaining to post-traumatic growth could be an individual’s age. Young children lack the cognitive capacity to determine or change their worldview. Instead, they’re mainly led by emotions, and the negative, scary ones can become deeply ingrained if a traumatic event is experienced during childhood. Moreover, those deep-seated traumas typically carry over to adulthood and significantly influence relationships with other people, including the closest friends, family, and romantic partners.

What are the characteristics of post-traumatic growth?

People who go through these types of experiences might also develop changed perceptions and understanding of themselves and the world. Post-traumatic growth can also influence the way they relate to other people. Becoming more sensitive and sympathetic to other people’s hardships is also one of the positive characteristics of post-traumatic growth. And, the growth that helps you form closer and more meaningful relationships starts with the relationship you have with yourself.

Post-traumatic growth happens when people experience an event that forces them to change their beliefs so significantly that they change their perception of themselves and their worldview. These changes can be so profound and lifelong. Of course, not everybody with a traumatic experience will experience post-traumatic growth. Many people are capable of overcoming trauma, but there’s a difference between resilience and overcoming challenging circumstances and actual spiritual change. One of the main characteristics of post-traumatic growth is the ability to reflect and shift one’s perspective.

What are the positive effects of post-traumatic growth?

Going through post-traumatic growth is challenging and might take longer than you’d like, but its benefits are life-changing. If you embark on this journey of self-discovery and reclaiming your sense of agency and self-worth, you can:

• Rediscover appreciation for life. Nothing makes people appreciate all the good things in life like being confronted with loss. This is when we realize how often we overlook or undervalue everything we have.
• Improve relationships with others. Strengthening relationships with people usually happens as a form of support after a traumatic experience. It can lead to building new relationships with people who can offer support through challenging times and trauma victims with similar experiences. It can also make you grateful for those already present in your life. Crises are generally bonding experiences, however difficult and painful they might be.
• Open to new possibilities in life. This is about adapting to new and unique circumstances and accepting the fact that some of your old habits and strategies don’t serve you anymore. Finding a new path in life and, more importantly, discovering the motivation to do so can present a massive opportunity for personal growth.
• Find personal strength. You might surprise yourself with your own resilience and skills to handle trauma. You will also be better equipped to deal with any future challenges.
• Experience spiritual change. Being spiritual doesn’t come naturally to all people. Some individuals are deeply pragmatic and quick to dismiss anything beyond the material world. Change happens when they experience emotional hardship that makes their world crumble. This is a true challenge to one’s core beliefs that could lead anyone to existential contemplations. However, changing for the better shouldn’t come out of fear. Instead, being more ethical, empathetic, and kind can come as a natural result of the previous effects.

Can post-traumatic growth positively affect my relationship?

All the benefits of post-traumatic growth can help you understand your needs better and take the time and effort to respond to the needs of others. You can bring your newfound optimism and appreciation for life into your relationship and make your partner feel more special and appreciated. You can feel and show that you’re thankful for having them and advance your relationship in new directions you may not have thought of before. Expressing your love and not fearing rejection is also immensely liberating and possible with your newly discovered strength and self-reliance.

Strengthening and deepening the connection in your relationships can make everyday interactions and minor conflicts easier to handle. As your self-image improves, so will the belief that you’re worthy of love. This confidence can help you resolve any potential ambivalence or unhealthy attachment. If you’ve been caught in a toxic or abusive relationship, you can finally find the determination and strength to leave it behind. You will know that you deserve better and won’t allow yourself to settle for unfulfilling relationships or manipulative partners.

Achieve Personal Growth By Overcoming Trauma With PIVOT’s Help

The most important thing about post-traumatic growth is allowing yourself to believe and understand that it’s possible. Achieving post-traumatic growth doesn’t mean minimizing anyone’s pain and its significant impact on their lives. It certainly involves addressing unpleasant emotions and reliving experiences you might want to forget. However, this challenging process is also highly rewarding.

Sharing your story with people who went through similar experiences can be profoundly liberating and healing. You can rely on the guidance of our highly trained coaches in relaxing and intimate Glass House workshops. Individual sessions with PIVOT’s relationship advocates are also an option for those who don’t feel comfortable in group settings. Whatever option you choose, you can rest assured that our experts will safely lead you to healthier relationships through personal growth.

Experiencing an overwhelming mix of feelings after a breakup is perfectly normal. Even after a healthy relationship ends, both partners are often left wondering about various aspects of the relationship, behavioral patterns, things left unsaid, and other unresolved emotions. However, when it comes to intense turbulent relationships, things can get confusing, and the feelings you were left with could seem overwhelming and even scary.

You might have conflicting emotions after your breakup or feel like a lot of negativity is suddenly coming to the surface, you may be suffering from post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS). PTRS-related emotions go far beyond the ordinary sadness or anger many of us feel after a relationship ends. If you’re haunted by intense negative feelings that persist for months after a breakup and those feelings are becoming increasingly disturbing, you might want to look into the symptoms of PTRS, find out what causes trauma, what being traumatized means, and address your unresolved issues before entering any new relationships.

Post-traumatic relationship syndrome is caused mainly by the stress experienced in an abusive intimate relationship, including:

• Physical abuse, physical injuries, or threats.
• Sexual abuse, rape, sexual coercion, and other types of sexual assault.
• Emotional abuse, controlling behavior, possessiveness, manipulation, gaslighting.

Can PTRS Affect New Relationships?

Since abusive relationships are the most common cause of post-traumatic relationship disorder, it makes sense that unresolved issues from one or more toxic relationships can easily transfer to others. To some people, this could even be a pattern of behavior that they repeat over and over again, even though it typically ends badly. 

Unresolved issues from previous relationships, particularly toxic or abusive ones, can significantly influence our behavior and thought patterns and cause misunderstandings and difficulties with new people in our lives. Most individuals suffering from various types of trauma tend to self-isolate and avoid sharing their experiences and feelings with other people, even close friends, family, or romantic partners. A romantic relationship can be a minefield in this regard, as the closeness, intimacy, and a lot of time spent together allow for numerous opportunities for seemingly inexplicable friction and annoyance.

People suffering from PTRS could experience significant problems with connection to new people and trusting them if they’ve been traumatized by a previous relationship that might have been abusive and never managed to liberate themselves from feelings of fear, shame, guilt, or anger. When these issues are left unaddressed, emotional and physical intimacy become challenging and negative thoughts of feeling not worthy will continue to be on repeat in your thoughts and messages that you say to yourself. 

What Are The Negative Effects Of PTRS On New Relationships?

When you enter a new relationship with PTRS issues left unaddressed, hoping they would simply go away on their own isn’t a safe bet. Even if you’re not repeating the pattern of choosing abusive partners repeatedly, you might still feel isolated and alone in a relationship with a genuinely caring and devoted person. These feelings can sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship, as you may not be able to feel safe or still blame yourself for the abuse you were subjected to.

It’s difficult to open yourself to new love, connection, and trust if you still feel scared, helpless, or unworthy. For these reasons, some people who experienced relationship abuse avoid getting into new relationships and may even turn away from friends and family. The most common effects of PTRS that can prevent you from forming a new relationship or negatively affect the current one are your unresolved feelings that reflect in how you relate to others.

Some of the common ones include:

• Believing that you’re not worthy of a healthy relationship.
• Unconsciously repeating toxic dynamics and going from one unhealthy relationship to another.
• Having difficulty trusting even your family and close friends.
• Self-isolation caused by feelings of guilt and shame.
• Thinking that your loved ones blame you for staying in an abusive relationship.
• Not having any support because you’re unable to share your experiences with others fearing they wouldn’t be able to understand or that they would blame you for putting up with an abusive partner.
• Having trouble maintaining the sexual aspect of your relationship or completely losing interest in sex.

How Do I Overcome My PTRS Before My New Relationship?

The first step toward overcoming PTRS is to ask the question: what does being traumatized mean? Understanding what you are battling is a big step forward that will help rationalize your problems and help you to start thinking about them instead of just feeling the feelings that are provoked by your thoughts. Having a lot of feelings about traumatic experiences is perfectly valid and expected. Still, they can be so overwhelming that is is hard to start deconstructing what happened to you in a rational manner. Shifting out of unpleasant feelings requires changing your thoughts and behaviors.

Overcoming PTSD is not an easy process, but it’s necessary. Finding peace within yourself and coming to terms with what you went through can help you move on to better things in life, including close connections and healthy and loving relationships. To overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship, people usually go through some typical stages:

• Understanding what they went through and realizing that it is, in fact, trauma, and allowing themselves to call it that.
• Accepting that it happened and reflecting upon it, however painful it may be. This is best done with the guidance of relationship trauma experts or other professionals.
• Understanding the emotional scars and effects trauma has on your mind and body.
• Finding the strength and empowerment to go through It and emerge on the other side feeling more positive and hopeful about life.

Find The Support You Need To Overcome Relationship Trauma With PIVOT

Being able to process what happened to you with expert guidance is support is the essential step in getting through PTRS. Then, you can learn to deal with your feelings safely and flexibly until you slowly overcome them. Navigating post-traumatic stress responses and feelings can require challenging work, but realizing that you’re not alone can help you with the feelings of isolation so you can allow yourself to trust people again and openly talk about your experiences.

Our Glass House retreats offer an ideal intimate setting for small group workshops led by experienced experts. If you don’t feel ready to discuss your issues with others, individual coaching sessions are also available, and our relationship advocates can guide you through the process, respecting your pace. With the support of PIVOT’s knowledgeable and experienced experts, you’ll be able to find your way back to trusting, healthy relationships.

Most of us are no strangers to bad romantic relationships. Throughout our lives, we experience a wide range of scenarios that leave us hurt in ways that make it seem like the pain will last forever. Sometimes we’re the ones to make mistakes, take the people who love us for granted and end up hurting our partners badly. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that we can’t govern our emotions or choose who we love and how much; and neither can the person we’re in a relationship with. What we can choose, however, is what we do and how we act and treat one another.

Each painful romantic experience, whether we’re the ones being hurt, or the ones hurting someone who loves us, leaves a mark that influences and shapes our future relationships and our sense of self. In usual circumstances, all these experiences teach us something – how it feels to be hurt, how it feels to be the one causing pain to others, and hopefully, how it feels to push through the bad times and finally move on. Healing from heartbreak, and learning from it, is one of life’s essential skills and, if we’re lucky, one which helps us get better at choosing partners and treating them the way we want to be treated.

Some relationships, however, leave a mark so deep that moving on from the damage they’ve caused seems impossible. Experiencing severe trauma in a romantic relationship creates emotional and psychological distress far more complex than simple heartbreak. Despite not being an officially accepted mental health diagnosis, PTRS, or post-traumatic relationship syndrome, is widely accepted by many experts as a subcategory of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

What is PTRS, Post-Traumatic Relationships Syndrome?

PTRS results from a traumatic experience of an abusive intimate relationship. As opposed to PTSD, it isn’t caused by a single traumatic incident. Instead, it’s the effect of an entire abusive relationship that can manifest itself after the relationship is over, influencing one’s emotional and psychological well-being and the way they act in subsequent relationships. After the relationship ends, the affected partner may get a new perspective on the relationship and realize that it was, in fact, abusive. As a result, they could start having trouble forming or maintaining new relationships.

In some ways, PTRS is similar to PTSD as it may manifest itself through a set of the same or similar symptoms. However, the main difference is the lack of avoidance behavior as a coping mechanism. People who suffer from PTSD do their best to block out distressing feelings and memories by avoiding triggering situations, places, people, or even objects that would make them relive the traumatic experience. Unfortunately, those suffering from PTRS may do the opposite – repeat the same behavior patterns and place themselves in similar circumstances.

Some become unconsciously drawn to toxic relationships and might continue to repeat the traumatic experience with new partners. One of the reasons for this counterintuitive behavior might be the tendency to blame themselves for the severe trauma they experienced. The feelings of guilt and shame can cause them to isolate themselves even from close friends and family and never turn to them for support, thinking they would be able to understand them.

It’s not uncommon for people suffering from PTRS to keep revisiting the experienced trauma, preventing them from moving on and healing from it. As a result, they might become unable to form safe and healthy relationships with new people or believe they don’t deserve them. In addition, their ability to trust people may become severely damaged, preventing them from trusting not only new romantic partners but family members and friends as well.

What Are The Causes Of PTRS?

The main cause of PTRS is an abusive intimate relationship. Different types of abuse can happen in a relationship, and some are not as obvious as others. It’s easier to spot the most severe ones, like physical, sexual, or highly aggressive verbal abuse. However, there are also a lot of less noticeable and nuanced behaviors that can severely undermine one’s sense of self-worth and tear down their emotional and psychological well-being. Some of the less obvious causes of PTRS and signs of a toxic relationship can include:

• Harsh criticism
• Insults
• Belittling
• Snide remarks
• Controlling or overly possessive behavior
• Gaslighting
• Emotional abuse and manipulation.

Some of the most common risk factors for PTRS could include:

• A history of abuse or trauma
• Certain types of mental health disorders
• Substance abuse
• Family history of PTSD
• Chronic stress
• Poor coping skills.

What Are The Signs And Symptoms Of PTRS?

The main signs of PTRS are pretty similar to those of PTSD, with intense emotional reactions generally related to social interactions. However, PTRS can be challenging to recognize and diagnose because its symptoms don’t appear immediately after a single isolated traumatic event. Instead, they usually develop and build up gradually, over time, as a sum of all elements of abusive behavior someone was subjected to during the entire relationship.

Affected people may feel like they did something to provoke or deserve the abuse, causing them to feel guilt or shame, and like those suffering from PTSD, they feel unsafe, out of control, and struggle with intrusive thoughts.

Other typical signs of PTRS can include:

• Getting easily irritated or angry.
• Not being able to concentrate.
• Having trouble sleeping.
• Always being on edge (hypervigilance).
• Having anxiety or panic attacks.
• Feeling unsafe.
• Difficulty trusting others.
• Feelings of loneliness.
• Isolating from people.
• Not being able to form or maintain healthy relationships.
• Jumping into new relationships too quickly.
• Self-blame.
• Shame.
• Guilt.
• Sexual dysfunction.

Another highly unpleasant and debilitating symptom that PTRS shares with PTSD is the presence of common intrusive thoughts about the abusive relationship and the trauma that the person went through. They might experience flashbacks, vivid mental images that make them feel like they’re reliving the abuse again. Nightmares about the trauma are also common, as well as intense feelings of distress triggered by thinking about the person they were in a relationship with.

How To Achieve Recovery From Trauma Of An Abusive Relationship?

Coping with the severe trauma caused by an abusive intimate relationship may require serious commitment over an extended period. The guidance of professionals with extensive experience with relationship dynamics and trauma can help you learn new coping strategies and use them to change distressing thought patterns and damaging behaviors. By adopting new ways of thinking about trauma, you will be able to gradually influence your emotional responses and overcome the traumatic experience.

You can rely on PIVOT’s relationship advocates to guide you on this challenging journey through individual sessions or by participating in small group workshops. Our Glass House retreats’ intimate setting can offer the ideal conditions for cultivating positive thoughts and regaining your strength. As a result, you can rediscover your sense of self-worth and the ability to form deep connections and maintain healthy relationships.