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Many people experience difficulties that stem from diverse types of trauma without even realizing what causes trauma and what kind of effect it can have on one’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being. For example, consequences of trauma, particularly a complex one, can interfere with your ability to form healthy relationships with people or damage existing relationships with your family, partner, or close friends.

Trauma develops after experiencing a highly distressing experience. In such situations, both your mind and body get overwhelmed with fear which causes the “flight, fight, or freeze” response. This is the way your body faces any perceived danger, and it’s also your brain’s way of preparing for a physical reaction to it.

What Does Complex Trauma Represent?

Complex trauma often stems from childhood or early life traumatic events that occur for an extended period of time. It’s usually caused by a series of traumatic events rather than a single one. In many cases, those events occur during longer periods: months, years, and sometimes they even spread through several generations of a single family.

The problem for people dealing with complex trauma is that the memories of the traumatic events don’t stay in the past. If the distress experienced was severely damaging, it could cause the body and the brain to react in the same way, causing identical emotions and reactions to get triggered even in situations that don’t objectively present a serious threat.

This happens because complex trauma profoundly impacts your nervous system. When a traumatic experience happens, the limbic system in the brain activates. This set of structures in your brain is involved in emotional responses, memory, and arousal. It is particularly important when it comes to behavior necessary for survival.

What Is The Difference Between Trauma And Complex Trauma?

Typically, after a traumatic event has passed, stress hormones return to normal levels, and flight, fight, or freeze mode shuts down. The danger is gone, emotions calm down, and cognitive functions can return to normal. However, sometimes this doesn’t happen, and some people’s “survival” mode becomes their normal state. If a person is unable to return to a usual, emotionally balanced state, this often points to complex trauma.

This means that the limbic system stays continuously engaged long after the traumatic event has passed. As a result, both the brain and body suffer the consequences of this coping mechanism meant to keep you safe in objectively dangerous situations. These lasting effects are what make the trauma complex.

According to psychiatrists, complex trauma is similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and usually has the same or similar symptoms. Some of the signs that can help you recognize it are:

• Anxiety.
• Flashbacks.
• Actively avoiding places, people, or situations that remind you of traumatic events.
• Memory problems.
• Hyperarousal, being constantly on edge or alert.
• Trouble sleeping or having nightmares.

What Are Examples Of Complex Trauma?

Complex trauma commonly stems from childhood experiences, yet it’s not unusual for it to form in adulthood as well. It can emerge from any situation that causes a continuous sense of fear, helplessness, and powerlessness to defend yourself or escape the situation. If these feelings and fears go unaddressed and unresolved, they may become a permanent cause of problems in partner relationships, friendships, and family relations.

Some of the most frequent traumatic experiences that cause lasting damage to one’s emotional well-being and mental health can be caused by events like:

• Childhood neglect, abandonment, or abuse.
• Taking on adult roles as a child.
• Sexual abuse.
• Physical or emotional abuse.
• Medical trauma or abuse.
• Torture, kidnapping, trafficking, being held captive.
• Wars, civil unrest areas, genocide campaigns.

Childhood trauma is a particularly severe cause of complex trauma because it starts before the individual’s brain has had a chance to develop fully. Children don’t have defense mechanisms and the ability to think things through rationally. Instead, they are driven by emotions, and if those emotions are fear and distress, their worldview can be permanently distorted. As a result, all relationships become viewed as unstable and people as unreliable.

What Does Complex Trauma Do To A Person?

Every trauma leaves its mark on a person. However, what does being traumatized mean? Not knowing this makes it challenging to recognize the signs and identify the effects it has on their lives. In addition, experiencing complex trauma can leave grave consequences that may interfere with your daily functioning and relationships with others and yourself.

Complex trauma can:

• Make it hard to manage your emotions. This includes identifying, expressing, and controlling emotions or becoming easily overwhelmed. Stress reactions are common, as well as anger, fear, and anxiety. Not knowing how to cope with these feelings can lead to depression.
• Cause relationship problems due to attachment and trust issues. Some might feel that people, in general, are untrustworthy and unreliable, even dangerous. It’s not uncommon to also have issues with authority figures like teachers or police officers.
• Influence your physical health, even in the long term. Unfortunately, complex trauma can cause chronic illnesses like heart conditions, cancer, or early death, partly due to risky behavior.
• Change one’s behavior and cause intense reactions. Affected individuals might be unable to calm down even when there’s no significant threat. Instead, they may act impulsively and unpredictably. High-risk behaviors are also common, like illegal activities, substance use, unsafe sexual conduct, or even self-harm.
• Influence cognitive and problem-solving abilities. People may have trouble thinking clearly and rationally or lack the capacity to calmly think things through when faced with a problem or difficulty.
• Lead to memory problems. Some people can even completely forget the traumatic experiences that happened to them or keep having gaps in memory or personal history.
• Create a distorted sense of self and poor self-image. People may feel worthless and blame themselves for the trauma they experienced. They might feel shame, guilt, and low self-esteem.
• Cause a person to have no sense of meaning and value, feel hopeless, have no sense of control, and have negative expectations.
• Cause depersonalization or dissociation. This means feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, or body. For example, people may feel like they’re in a dream or otherwise unreal or altered state.
• Cause derealization, feeling detached from your surroundings.
• Influence the immune system. Abnormal stress levels can cause the body to automatically respond to ordinary stress levels as it would to extreme stress and cause rapid breathing or heart racing in regular situations.
•  Create permanent physical symptoms like an upset stomach or headaches.

How To Overcome Complex Trauma Through Individual Or Group Coaching

You might be experiencing emotional hardships that prevent you from having healthy relationships with other people. They could be causing constant unrest and crises in your romantic relationships as well. In that case, it might be a good idea to address the root cause of your problems. 

However, no two people are the same, and you might feel like nobody can understand what you went through. This is why PIVOT offers personalized individual coaching sessions to help you regain your strength and the ability to form trusting relationships and healthy attachments. You can also take part in small group workshops. Hearing about other people’s experiences can help you realize that you’re not alone and that healing is possible. In addition, the guidance of our experienced Glass House coaches can help you regain a sense of stability and safety.

All traumatic events, both individual and collective, are frightening experiences that cause great distress to those who go through them. They usually involve life-threatening situations, illness, death, abuse, or injury. While all these things can happen on an individual level to a single person, they can also happen to a large number of people at the same time. However, collective trauma is most commonly experienced by smaller groups of people, mostly families, friend groups, or colleagues.

The type of emotions collective traumas can cause and the long-term scars they leave are similar to those inflicted by individual trauma, but there are also specific characteristics of collective trauma. These specifics can be perceived in the way severe trauma is experienced, as well as the ways people overcome it, both as a community and as individuals.

What Is Collective Trauma?

Collective trauma is the result of a large-scale traumatic event that affects entire groups of people. This can happen in a situation like natural catastrophes, earthquakes, floods, wars, disease outbreaks, pandemics, terrorist attacks, mass and school shootings, hostage situations, recessions, and so on. However, collective traumas can also happen after traumatic events within a family or a group of friends, usually after a death or a severe accident of a loved one.

There have also been numerous collective trauma experienced throughout history that can transfer onto the next generation, deeply shaping entire communities. Some of the most powerful examples are events like slavery, the holocaust, famine, and multiple occurrences of genocide and religious persecution.

However, not all people inside the affected group get equally traumatized. This can depend both on the objective circumstances of what they went through, as well as their individual capacity to cope with traumatic events. While some members of the collective directly experience sickness, death, injury, or loss of a loved one, or their whole family, others feel the repercussions in diverse ways – indirectly. Some of the indirect ways to experience collective trauma could be job loss, financial difficulties, or temporary separation from family members and friends.

What Are The Signs And Symptoms Of Collective Trauma?

Communities and groups of people can be affected by shared traumatic experiences in several different ways. Emotional and psychological symptoms of collective trauma are not that different from the ones caused by individual severe trauma, and they commonly include:

• Fear
• Grief
• Anxiety
• Depression

However, there’s another important aspect of collective traumas. Events that cause it can permanently change the way a certain community or a group of people sees itself. Just like individual trauma can influence one’s self-image, collective trauma can transfer through generations of collective memory and affect the way future generations view themselves too.

It goes as far as causing greater collective and individual fear. It can change the functioning and the dynamic of the group itself, relationships between people inside the group, but also with other groups as well. Both the traumatized generation and the future generations can adopt higher alertness for any potential dangers or threats, and heightened feelings of vulnerability. Collective trauma can even influence the general feeling of national or ethnic pride.

Symptoms that point to collective traumatization are:

• Panic
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Disorientation
• Stress
• Existential crisis
• Collective PTSD (post-traumatic disorder)

How Does Collective Trauma Affect Our Mental Health?

The effects of collective trauma on mental and physiological health are two-sided. This is where group trauma can get quite individual and personal. Since some people are better equipped to deal with the impact of events that transpired, the intensity of trauma-related feelings won’t be the same for everybody involved. Some will handle difficult situations better than others and are better equipped to deal with the consequences.

This generally depends on individual personalities, coping mechanisms, emotional health and well-being, as well as personal resilience. However, and this is a particularly important aspect, the way people deal with collective trauma will also depend on their socioeconomic background and other factors that determine their position in society.

Experts agree that collective trauma is harmful to the mental health of everyone experiencing it, and some factors that contribute to that are:

• The general feeling of despair and hopelessness.
• Arguments and conflicting opinions inside the group about the best way to deal with the event in question.
• Oversaturation with disturbing images repeatedly shown in the news and other media.

Adolescents and children experience psychological and emotional repercussions of collective trauma more severely than adults. This is mostly due to the fact that they still haven’t had a chance to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Since these age groups are more vulnerable to trauma in general because their brain is still developing, they’re more susceptible to the influence of stress hormones. Unhealthy coping mechanisms might turn to risky or self-destructive behaviors like drinking, substance use, or eating disorders.

How Do I Cope With Collective Trauma?

Coping with collective trauma has two sides – how you cope as an individual and how you cope as part of the group that experienced the traumatic event. People who look at the event as a way to band together and work toward the common good usually heal faster from the traumatic experience. Some may even feel like they came out of it stronger.

Some of the positive aspects of shared trauma are the newfound solidarities caused by a shared experience of pain and distress. And it’s also known that severe hardships bring people together, making them form closer relationships while working on achieving a common goal.

Some of the ways that could heal ease the burden of collective trauma-related emotions include:

• Talking to people who can relate to your experience and feelings, finding support networks.
• Participating in group efforts strengthens community relationships.
• Expressing shared values but also sharing feelings of sadness, anxiety, and fear.
• Turning to all usual life routines after the danger has passed.
• Engaging in physical activity and exercise can help clear your mind of intrusive thoughts and help balance your nervous system, as trauma affects your mind, body, and your physical response to stressful emotions.
• Spending time in nature.
• Eating healthy food.
• Expressing your emotions in honest conversations with friends and family or getting professional help if necessary.
• Maintaining close relationships with family and friends.
• Being truthful about your thoughts and emotions with your partner.

Recover from collective traumatic events and find new strength to return to your life in a healthy way

If your emotional health has been affected by severe collective trauma, that may have affected the way you observe the world, other people, and yourself in it, causing you to experience difficulty building or maintaining healthy relationships with new people as well as those who’ve been in your life for quite some time now. Relationships with your partner, friends, and family could all suffer the consequences of collective trauma even if you experienced it together.

To begin healing as a collective, you also need to heal as an individual. Trauma treatment and recovery may be a long and arduous process for some, but with the support and guidance of our PIVOT coaches, you gradually learn to adapt to your new self, inevitably changed by the severe trauma you experienced. PIVOT’s small group workshops are a perfect solution for dealing with collective drama. You can feel the support of people who know what you’re going through, and with professional guidance from our experienced coaches come out of it more resilient.

Most of us are familiar with the feeling of realizing we overreacted in certain situations. Sometimes it’s others who point it out while we might not even be aware of our behavior. However, it does happen that people unwittingly create intense situations because this is where the distinction between genuine trauma and plain drama becomes more blurred.

The definition of trauma can significantly vary from one psychological source to the other. Some of them classify adversity that many of us experience during life as trauma, while others claim that this is a trivialization of the issue. However, most experts agree that trauma is a type of stress reaction, so let’s take a look at the most common definition so we can notice the difference and understand the mechanisms behind the trauma response.

Trauma is usually described as any event that has long-term negative consequences and effects on the emotional and psychological well-being of an individual or a collective that can often include a distorted feeling of self, others, and the environment. This can include events like natural disasters, the death of a loved one, attacks, injuries, or accidents. But it may also be the result of long-term abuse, childhood neglect, and even long-lasting hardships that transfer through generations, like wars, poverty, or abuse.

What Is The Difference Between Trauma And Drama?

To make a distinction between trauma and drama, we’ll look at trauma as a scary, violent, or otherwise profoundly negative event, series of events, or type of behavior we might have endured, that left lasting pathological consequences.

Drama, in this context, would be one of the ways we respond to experienced trauma. It’s a psychological reaction that can lead us to create intense situations or conditions even when there’s no real threat. Certain parts of our brain can’t tell the difference between the two and all perceived threats, even minor ones, can trigger a flight or fight response meant to protect us from danger.

Many people will create intensity instead of intimacy because of untreated trauma. 

If you can’t tell whether you’re trauma dumping or simply venting and sharing your frustrations with someone, it might help to pay attention to these behaviors and ask yourself if you’re:

• Oversharing, often at inappropriate times.
• Not truly looking for a solution to the problem.
• Not assuming responsibility for the mistakes behind your current problem.
• Pouring out many different issues at once, jumping from topic to topic.
• Not allowing others to share their own opinions, emotions, or hardships.

Can Trauma Become Drama?

Trauma is a more significant issue than commonly stressful everyday experiences that happen to all of us. The way we respond to it may point to more severe issues and often, underlying mental health problems. The range of trauma-related experiences is wide and the resulting emotions, if left unaddressed, might lead to trauma dumping as a coping mechanism.

People who went through traumatic situations might be interpreting neutral or mildly uncomfortable situations in a significantly more pessimistic light because both their minds and bodies became stuck in the traumatic experience they went through.

People get critical of their partners, avoid or attack, and the old patterns of false protection gain momentum.

True trauma often involves terrifying experiences like abuse, physical threats, attacks, or injuries. People who experience such events, particularly in childhood, may not even know where their emotions come from or what trauma is. In such cases, healing can take quite a long time and usually requires professional help.

If you leave trauma-related emotions unaddressed, they could easily be brought to the surface even by trivial everyday hardships. Damage done by traumatic experiences can cause the primal parts of your brain to activate the flight or fight response even when it’s unnecessary.

This creates HAVOC on relationships – especially on primary relationships.  Then, what happens is expectations are unrealistic and challenges arise.

It’s also possible to experience flashbacks or extreme fear in situations that trigger traumatic memories. When the brain goes into the flight or fight response all trauma-related feelings like fear, anxiousness, or panic can drive a person to react in the same way as they would if they were seriously threatened.

What Is Trauma Dumping?

Trauma dumping is an expression used to describe pouring out all your negative emotions and frustration on another person. While sharing your emotions, worries, or meaningful life events with your friends or coworkers is perfectly fine and healthy, there’s still a line. Like the pretenders song suggests, “There’s a Thin Between Love and Hate”. 

The need to vent after a distressing day is natural and most of us do it. However, there are many cases when this can become too much for the person on the receiving end of it. If this kind of behavior becomes toxic for your relationship it could be a sign that you might need to look into your well-being and address all these intense emotions.  Many relationships break up due to these unrealistic expectations.

Oversharing your emotions can be tiresome or harmful for the other person which presents a problem for the both of you. On the one hand, if the person experiencing trauma dumping doesn’t get a chance to respond and share their own feelings, they may feel overwhelmed. On the other hand, if you’re the one who’s trauma dumping, you might be doing so because you’re experiencing intense distress related to:

• General anxiety or depression.
• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
• Stressful professional or home environment.

How Do I Stop My Trauma From Becoming Drama?

You might become aware of this type of behavior pattern yourself, but it’s more common for someone else to point it out to you after you start having relationship issues. Since people are unable to see themselves from the outside, someone else’s input may be crucial in this situation. It could be a close friend, family member, spouse, or even a complete stranger. You could suddenly find yourself having to deal with a realization that you’ve overreacted to an insignificant situation and while your feelings are real, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the threat is too.

And guess what?  Most people will get defensive and create more drama because they are not strong enough to look at themselves in the mirror.  It’s often too painful.  The inability to own one’s behavior because of entitlement birthed out out of old wounds is another factor that contributes to relationship break-ups. 

Maybe you get flooded by emotions and triggered by various issues you face in your daily life. If most of them carry no significant threat, your emotions are causing behavioral patterns that may not be appropriate for the situation. Of course, some situations do pose a serious threat, but those are much less common. Trauma survivors might even be unusually calm during such situations because this is what they’re expecting. You might experience fear after the event has passed, particularly if you suffer from a more severe form of trauma like PTSD.

Since these reactions are instinctive and come from a primal part of our brain, they’re quite difficult to control. Trauma recovery is something you can practice, usually with professional help or coaching, and it requires changing your thought and behavior patterns. It may take a while and require considerable effort, but new ways of thinking and acting can be gradually adopted with committed and consistent work

Learn How To Manage Your Emotions and Behavior to Change Your Trauma Response

Trauma dumping can go far beyond being simply uncomfortable – it can seriously affect your relationships, even the most intimate ones. You might be pushing people away and not even realizing it. If your close relationships feel one-sided to the other person, particularly your romantic partner, the very survival of your relationship might be at risk.

Our individual sessions can help you explore the emotions that are making you act this way and redirect your damaging thoughts and behaviors to accomplish that much-needed change. If you feel like there’s no escaping the stress of your everyday life, Glass House retreats may be the perfect solution for you. PIVOT coaches lead small group workshops where we provide each other with support and understanding to achieve recovery from trauma and build healthy relationships.

Experiencing stressful events can cause emotional and psychological trauma. This can include any event that provokes extremely negative emotions. Being involved in, or witnessing such an event, can damage one’s sense of security and cause lasting feelings of helplessness and fear. And, it can shape the way you enter, engage in, and exit relationships. 

Not knowing how to cope with these emotions can lead some people to develop certain patterns of behavior to use as a defense mechanism and leave them feeling permanently disconnected from others, and at times, unable to trust anyone.

Learning what emotional trauma is and what events can cause it is an important step to take toward recovery. Emotional and psychological trauma can be caused by one-time events like injuries, accidents, or sudden acts of violence. Natural disasters could also trigger trauma for many people. Many people are suffering from the affects of COVID 19 for many reasons. Fear of losing loved ones to the virus, actually losing loved ones to the virus, fear of catching it, being isolated,forced to be home with someone whom you are not used to spending so much time with during quarantine, losing jobs, etc. 

The most deeply rooted trauma can stem from various forms of domestic violence, child abuse, neglect, or bullying. The death of a loved one or a toxic and emotionally draining and abusive romantic relationship are also common causes of emotional trauma.

Treating trauma can be particularly difficult if it was caused by a childhood event or series of events. Childhood negative experiences like neglect and abandonment, affect brain development and influence self-image formation, as well as the way children view their environment. If left unaddressed these feelings will transfer into adulthood, causing a permanent sense of fear, insecurity, and helplessness. This type of trauma can become extremely challenging in relationships and a part of the family dynamic for generations. 

How Long Does Emotional Trauma Take To Heal?

Recovering from trauma is a specific kind of emotional journey and an incomparably different experience for many people. This also means that everyone will navigate through it at their own pace. Try not to compare yourself to others who may have experienced similar events. Even though other people’s shared experiences may serve as an inspiration and make you feel less isolated, they can also discourage you if their process seems faster than yours. You Matter. And your experiences are like your thumbprint – unique to YOU.

Healing from trauma is a gradual process, so don’t forget to have patience and compassion for yourself. Trauma recovery requires intention, a process, application, and perseverance. The most important thing is to keep on the path of healing. 

There are some general stages that most people go through while healing from trauma and don’t be alarmed if your journey doesn’t go exactly “according to plan”. The truth is, there is no plan when it comes to YOUR feelings. There are, however, ways to make it easier for yourself and one of them is allowing others to help you and guide you. 

What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Trauma?

While some effects of trauma are instantaneous, like shock, confusion, denial, or disbelief, most trauma will leave more permanent marks. You might experience all these symptoms or only some of them, and there’s no telling how long they could last. Some people might try to suppress them and it may appear like they’ve managed to overcome their challenges while others get caught up in a storm of emotions they can’t seem to get out of.

Whatever the case, it’s useful to recognize the most common long-term symptoms and effects of emotional trauma:

• Anxiety and depression.
• Flashbacks or re-experiencing the trauma, usually triggered by certain events, places, or other reminders.
• Cognitive function problems, like memory or concentration disruptions.
• Health issues. Trauma and accompanying anxiety can provoke general inflammation in the body and cause various diseases.
• Behavioral changes, like high-risk behavior, and alcohol or drug use. Eating disorders are also common.

Aside from emotional symptoms, it’s quite common to feel physical ones too. Our bodies and minds are tightly connected, so any strong emotions caused by trauma can be followed by physical challenges like:

• Nightmares or insomnia.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Irregular heartbeat.
• Muscle tension.
• Agitation.
• General fatigue.
• Unexplained physical pain, or other sensations like numbness or tingling.

Does Emotional Trauma Go Away?

Trauma doesn’t simply “go away”, but recovery is certainly possible. Depending on the type or severity of the trauma, some people may learn to live with it and adapt their behavior to compensate for the damage it caused. Others, on the other hand, may suffer from the consequences so deeply that they significantly impair their everyday life. Such cases usually require professional help with a long recovery journey ahead.

However, the right type of support and guidance can be enough to help along the way to healing. It might be overly optimistic to expect all traces of trauma and feelings associated with it to completely disappear. Adjust your expectations and focus on learning how to cope with them in healthier ways without allowing them to interfere with your sense of self-worth.

Another important aspect of healing from trauma is how you can relate to others. Learning to form healthy relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners is one of the most significant benefits of the healing process. Some people in your life might not realize that you can’t simply get over it and move on. Don’t be afraid to let them know that trauma recovery is a long process, one which may not be over for a period of time. However, what you can do is gradually build the strength to stop being the victim of past events and learn to create a happy future for yourself.

How Do You Heal Trauma?

Healing from trauma is an individual experience and your experience needs to be personalized.  There is no one size fits all. Different approaches work for different people and everybody pushes through the process at their own pace. Don’t get discouraged if you’re not healing as fast as you’d imagined as you might repeatedly get overwhelmed by all the emotions that need to be brought up to the surface and addressed.

Some of the common practices recommended during the process include:

• Physical activity and mindfulness. Exercise may not be the first thing that comes to mind as a way of dealing with trauma, and yet it does make sense. Traumatic experiences influence your body too and healthy physical activity can help stabilize your nervous system. It’s also a good way to clear your head from negative thoughts by focusing attention on your body.
• Self-care. Allow yourself to rest and relax. Actively working on overcoming emotional trauma can be exhausting, both emotionally and physically.
• Meaningful connection with others. Try to resist your need to self-isolate. Make a conscious decision to spend time with your friends and to participate in social activities. Circle boundaries with PIVOT can help guide you in this process. 
• Asking for support or guidance. If reconnecting with friends and family makes you uncomfortable or brings up bad memories, you can seek professional help. You might even feel ready for some new friends as you progress on your healing journey.
• Healthy choices. Aside from physical exercise, make sure to eat healthy food, get enough sleep, and avoid falling into the trap of alcohol or drug use. They may make you feel better momentarily however all your issues will still be there, lurking, waiting for you to deal with them. 
• Regaining a sense of agency by helping others. This may sound counterintuitive when you feel like you’re the one that needs help. However, knowing that you can make a difference and be there for others can help you reclaim your sense of dignity and power, to counteract the feeling of helplessness.

Start Healing From Emotional Trauma With The Guidance Of PIVOT Coaches

Dealing with the consequences of emotional trauma usually requires thorough and engaging work with the support and guidance of a trained professional. Many people adopt unhealthy behavior patterns to avoid dealing with unsettling feelings caused by trauma. We can help you explore and address those feelings and then shift your focus to changing damaging behaviors. Personalized and individualized to your story, you will be able to PIVOT to healthier responses.

Since emotional trauma is a highly sensitive and personal issue, some people might prefer the discretion of individual one-on-one sessions with PIVOT coaches. However, there’s also the famous strength in numbers, so if you feel like working through your issues with a small group of people who understand what you’re going through, you might benefit from Glass House retreat workshops. You can escape the stress and responsibilities of everyday life and let yourself be heard, seen, and understood.

Getting over heartbreak and moving on could be described as a skill most of us acquire through life. In modern society, people can have multiple partners and relationships during their lifetime, allowing them to understand what it feels like when a relationship fails. We learn what it feels like to be hurt, but also how guilty we feel when we hurt someone we love. And we also know the aftermath. It hurts a lot for a while, and then it gets better.

When it comes to divorce, especially when children are involved, the stakes are higher. But many of us can still rely on what we learned from previous failed relationships. Some people may have a harder time than others and might need professional guidance on how to heal from a divorce, particularly if it caused lasting depression or low self-esteem. But most people  agree that divorce is hard and that getting through it and coping with your feelings requires significant effort and perseverance.

What Are The Stages Of Divorce?

Not all marriages are the same; each person will experience divorce in their own way and deal with it differently, but there are some general, objective phases most people go through. You might not experience all of these stages, or not in this exact order, but to get a general overview of what to expect, these are the commonly encountered stages pre and post divorce:

• Disillusionment in your marriage, your partner, and the relationship you have can last for years before you even think of divorce.
• Denial. People usually assume that they’re going through a rough patch and expect things to get better.
• Resentment and dissatisfaction after the realization that your relationship is not improving, and the “rough patch” has turned into a new normal. This could lead to fights and blaming one another, or a quiet depression.
• Anger or fear. One or both partners may start to feel persistent anger towards the other or fear that there’s no hope for their marriage.
• Deciding to divorce and initializing the process, after the anger subsides. Partners finally accept the fact that the marriage can’t be saved and start looking into the technicalities of the divorce process.
• The guilt stage may or may not happen to everyone. People who blame themselves for the failure of their marriage usually experience guilt due to certain decisions they made or failed to act in crucial moments. And, sometimes the guilt they feel towards themselves for staying too long and the personal pain that comes with self-disrespect.
• Acceptance is the phase when people come to terms with the fact that the relationship with their spouse was deeply flawed and unhealthy, and begin opening up to the option of getting another chance to feel happy and fulfilled.
• A new beginning is the final stage you’ve been trying to reach all along. Achieving it could take a while, sometimes even years, but as new people and experiences start bringing joy to your life you will learn to let go of negative feelings and resentment from the past that were holding you back. You may finally be able to forgive both your partner and yourself for all the pain you went through.

Why Am I Struggling To Overcome Divorce?

You’ll probably feel a lot of mixed emotions when you get divorced. The chances are you’ve been feeling them for a long time while you were contemplating the divorce, after realizing that your marriage was not what you had hoped for. It is normal to feel hurt, confused, depressed, or angry; even if you’re the one who chose to ask for a divorce. 

Keep in mind that experiencing all these feelings, even the contradictory ones, is perfectly normal. Resentment, guilt, numbness, insecurity, and even the desire for revenge; are all natural feelings when it comes to divorce.

You are not alone when it comes to those feelings and, some of the reasons you experience them are quite logical:

• You’re losing a person you love. Divorce is not a switch that can just turn that love off unless you already stopped loving your partner long before the marriage ended. You might regret your decision, and moving on might seem impossible at times.
• Divorce leads to breaking up your family, and not just your immediate one. You may break ties with your spouse’s side of the family which has become a huge part of your life. People who invest a lot of time and effort into their family life and try to provide their kids with a happy childhood might feel like they failed and damaged them for the rest of their lives.
• It’s hard to look forward as you mourn all the unrealized potential and plans that involve your spouse and children. It’s natural to feel like the divorce has taken away all the dreams for the future you shared with your spouse.
• You may also feel shame if you’re the one that ended the relationship. Many people beat themselves up for not being able to save their marriage. This can damage their sense of self-worth and make them feel unlovable.
• Divorce won’t suddenly make you happy even if you’re the one who pushed for it. The feeling of loss will linger for a while.
• Some of your mutual friends might isolate you and take your spouse’s side.
• You may have trouble trusting people again and lose confidence in both yourself and others.

How Can I Finally Overcome Divorce?

It may seem like the feelings you’re experiencing after divorce will last forever. Many people even compare them to the death of someone you love. Don’t forget that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad, depressed, or even terrified of the future. But eventually, you will move on. “When will I get over my divorce” is a question that could constantly be on your mind and the answer might sound like a cliché, but there’s a good reason behind it: give yourself time. Everybody heals at their own pace. If it takes you longer than you expected, don’t let it get you down.

Some of the things you might do to speed up the process include:

• Seeing a professional if you feel like you need to explore your feelings and actions that lead to the divorce. This may give you closure so you can finally move on.
• Don’t be afraid of self-reflection, even if it leads you to expose some uncomfortable truths about yourself. It will ultimately help you.
• Don’t let your pain influence your children’s well-being. You’ll be a much better example to your children as a strong, happy and dignified parent, than a married but unhappy one.
• Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the past. Maybe your old plans and hopes for the future fell through, but you can make new ones, more suitable to your current needs and desires.
• Accept that we all make mistakes and that you probably made some either by  initially choosing your partner or mistakes you made during the marriage. Don’t let this destroy your self-esteem, and make you feel worthless or unworthy of love.
• Spend time with your friends. Think about the friendships that make you feel good and turn to them for support. Even though you may have trust issues, try to make some new friends too.

How to heal from divorce and learn to find intimacy in new relationships

To learn to love yourself again make your needs a top priority with the help of experienced PIVOT coaches. They can guide you to remember what your hopes and dreams were before your marriage, and examine if they’ve been pushed aside. This may finally be the right time to work on making them happen. Another safe way that can help you explore your feelings and options is by attending one of our Glass House retreats. Take the time to try new things and uncover new ways of thinking. Focusing on self-care can help you recover from a failed marriage. You can learn to trust people again and avoid potential intimacy problems in relationships when you feel ready to try again

Most people’s biggest fear about getting divorced is the fear of being alone. We get attached to our partners and usually stay attached even when things aren’t working out, fearing all the negative effects of a divorce and dreading they won’t be able to get over their divorce. It’s common to fear separation and feel like you won’t be able to find love again. However, thinking things through in advance and learning to deal with these fears can help you get through the divorce.

People often feel like they somehow failed when their marriage falls apart, but staying in a relationship that’s making you miserable doesn’t feel like much of a success either. At least you gave it a try and learned some valuable lessons about relationships, intimacy, and yourself. This can keep you from making similar mistakes in the future. Some people can pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong, while others realize that they’re not able to stay in a relationship that has been slowly evaporating over time. 

How Do I Emotionally Prepare For Divorce?

The best way to prepare for an overwhelming mix of emotions that are about to hit you is to consider your biggest fears and then find a way to manage them. Some of them might be irrational and may pass once you finally take that step, or you might need to discuss them with a professional. Some fears, however, are completely justified, but that doesn’t mean that there are no solutions or ways to prepare for what’s coming.

To make it easier for yourself, but also for your children and spouse, try to:

• Surround yourself with friends and family for both emotional and practical support.
• Do your best to treat your spouse with respect.
• Keep your interactions civil and try to avoid making any angry or resentful statements.
• Avoid creating emotional problems for your children. Even though divorce can be quite stressful and painful, try to not let your children feel it. Don’t make them take sides or involve them in any potential fights between you and your spouse. Keep your conversations with others PRIVATE so your children do not hear you speak about their other parent in disrespectful ways.  
• Prepare for the financial stress as soon as possible. Staying focused on more practical matters can keep you from getting caught up in self-pity and desperation.
• Acknowledge the possibility that you might be the problem. Particularly if you kept choosing the same type of partner throughout your life, and having similar issues with all of them. If this is the case, your best option is to explore the underlying issues behind your behavior and feelings, so you can move on to heather relationships in the future.

What Do I Ask Myself Before Getting A Divorce?

Before making the final decision about divorcing your partner you’re bound to do some serious soul-searching. For most people, this is one of the most complex decisions they’re faced with in their entire lives. So, make sure that it’s truly what you want, explore your feelings and reasons for wanting divorce with a professional if necessary, talk to your friends and family, and vent as much as you need to; but also make sure to calmly consider some of these questions before announcing your intentions to divorce to your partner:

• Are you sure that your partner is aware of your dissatisfaction with your marriage? Sometimes people don’t realize what the problem is before it’s too late. Make sure you’re both aware of the issues in case something can still be done to save your marriage.
• Do you believe that there is a way to save your marriage? Do you know what it is? This is a question you need to ask yourself, but also your partner. Think about things they could do to make things better, and ask what they think you could do.
• Are you sure you’d be happier if you leave your partner? They may not satisfy every single need you have in life, but nobody can do that. It’s unrealistic to expect that all your needs can be fulfilled by only one person. Try to focus only on the most important expectations you have from your partner.
• Do you still love your partner? This prevents many people from ending unhealthy relationships or marriages. The truth is that loving somebody doesn’t mean you’re right for each other. 

Sometimes you just can’t make the relationship work. Leaving someone you love is one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever have to make, but if you’re consistently unhappy, and can’t find a solution to save your marriage, accept that there’s no other way. This kind of ambivalence is common in many relationships. Don’t allow it to make you waste years of your life, or your partner’s.

What Can I Do Before My Divorce?

To avoid unnecessary hardships for your entire family, don’t threaten with divorce until you’re ready to file for it. Your partner may get into fight mode and, aside from creating an uncomfortable situation at home, they may try to hurt you financially or find ways to get full custody over your children. This could be extremely stressful for everyone involved.

To avoid at least some of the negative effects of divorce, when you do make the choice, prepare yourself by:

• Considering the custody of your children if you have any, and trying to work out a temporary plan before the divorce is finalized.
• Minimizing the effect of divorce on your children by sharing parenting time with your partner.
• Making the divorce process more efficient by preparing all the necessary documents in advance. This will make it both faster and less expensive.
• Being financially independent from your spouse and making sure that you have enough money to support yourself and your children. The divorce proceedings can last a few months so if you’re relying on alimony, it may take a while to get it.
• Separating your finances and having your own credit card and bank account if you didn’t before.
• If your divorce is not amicable you might need to protect your interests, so look into finding reliable legal advice. And, remember that some lawyers are interested in keeping the “fight” alive.  That translates to more money out of pocket for you and in some cases –  your community property.
• If you’re getting divorced due to domestic violence, be prepared for things to escalate when you ask for a divorce, so have a safety plan ready. In some cases, this might mean getting a court protection order.

Get Over The Negative Effects Of A Divorce With PIVOT’s Relationship Coaching

Going through a divorce may be a relief for some people, but it’s more common to feel isolated and scared of the uncertainty your new single life will bring and wonder how long it takes to get over a divorce. You don’t have to go through the whirlwind of your feelings alone. Experiencing the need to discuss and examine your emotions is perfectly normal. You can work through unresolved feelings in one of the residential Glass House retreats and learn how to cope with them constructively.

If you feel like you might benefit more from individual coaching, PIVOT’s relationship advocates can help you identify all the warning signs that eventually lead to divorce and turn these insights into motivation to improve yourself and your relationship with your ex-spouse, if possible. You can turn the end of your marriage into an opportunity to reclaim control over your life and create a healthier connection with your feelings and needs.

Getting a divorce is one of the most stressful life events people go through. We might be fully aware that our marriage isn’t working, but the very thought of ending everything we’ve been building with our partner and starting again fills many people with dread. Even if your marriage hasn’t been a happy one for years, deciding to finally end it is a life-changing decision. 

Being without your partner might feel scary so deciding to divorce requires a lot of reflection and consideration. Going back and forth, and changing your mind repeatedly is not uncommon. It could take a long time to finally reach the decision and follow through with it.

However, if you feel like you did your best to save your marriage and attempted everything you could think of to make things work, including getting professional help and speaking to a lawyer, it may be time to file for divorce. Since this huge change affects other areas of your life too, you might be asking yourself if how to stop your divorce and if a divorce is worth it. There are a couple of ways to find out.

Are There Any Signs That Point To A Divorce?

No marriage is perfect and most of us know very well that most romantic relationships have their challenging phases. Sometimes every fight feels like the end of your relationship, so how can you recognize the signs that you’re heading toward divorce? Either you or your partner might feel that your marriage is unsalvageable, but what are objective and universal signs that there’s no going back?

The common signs of emotional and physical detachment that can help you conclude that your marriage has come to an end usually include:

• Contempt, resentment, or lack of respect.
• Defensiveness.
• No valuable communication, refusal to discuss issues.
• Incessant mutual criticism.
• Prioritizing other relationships over the one you have with your spouse.
• Sudden changes in behavior, spending a lot of time away from home.
• Other escape behaviors like going out more and making new friends.
• Thinking about other potential relationships.
• Lack of interest in physical intimacy.

When Is Divorce A Good Idea?

Sometimes we feel like there’s still hope for our marriage and are actively trying to figure out how to stop the divorce from happening. We might be thinking about ways to reconnect with our spouse and rebuild the relationship. Some people are prepared to forgo their pride and forgive their partners for all the hurt they caused.

Divorce is most likely the best solution if you consistently feel unloved, unhappy, unseen, or are experiencing some type of abuse. If this is the case, you need to make your happiness and well-being a top priority. So if you’re experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, getting divorced is a matter of self-preservation:

• Physical or verbal abuse, hostile home environment.
• Your partner suffers from a mental illness or substance abuse disorder and refuses to seek help.
• Infidelity and dishonesty that make rebuilding trust impossible. 
• The marriage doesn’t fulfill your needs, the emotional and physical connection is gone, and your partner feels like a stranger.

Are There Situations In Which You Need To Reconsider Divorce?

People consider and reconsider divorce many times before they finally go through with it. If you still love your partner and feel like they love you back, you can attempt to salvage your relationship. Most people will try couples therapy to learn how to recognize damaging behavior patterns and change them. If they succeed, they can get their marriage on the right track again. This requires a lot of challenging work, learning from previous mistakes, and not repeating them. 

Many people get caught up in ambivalent relationships, preventing them from making a clear and final decision about their divorce. The usual definition of an ambivalent relationship describes it as a relationship in which at least one partner doesn’t know where they stand. If one or both partners are unsure of their feelings, they might have difficulty deciding if they want to stay in the relationship or not. Things don’t have to be severely toxic to feel like something is missing.

On the other hand, people can be extremely dissatisfied with their marriage but feel like they can’t do better, so they remain in the confusion of what to do. Whatever the case, ambivalent partners feel anxiety and frustration as they can’t bring themselves to end things, but feel dissatisfied with the relationship they’re in. They’re torn between the options of staying together and getting a divorce. 

How Do I Propose A Divorce?

It’s quite rare that one’s intention to ask for a divorce comes out of the blue. Both partners are usually well aware that their relationship hasn’t been working for a while. One of the partners needs to finally come out and say it. If that partner is you, even though you might be holding some grudges or feel betrayed or hurt by your partner, try to do your best to keep things civil. This is not only for their benefit, or the benefit of your children.  It is also for you. Learning to put emotional distress aside and deal with things in a practical way is what’s best for you too.

You can work through your unresolved feelings with a therapist or vent to your friends. However, your partner is no longer a person you can confide in, so try to stay on point, without any unnecessary fights or discussions. Explain your position and feelings calmly and respectfully. Talk about the coordination of the divorce process so you can both get out of your unhealthy relationship without hurting each other any further. Even if you don’t feel that you could be friends with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, try to communicate calmly and politely for the sake of your children, if you have any, and to avoid exacerbating the emotional distress.

Here are some tips on how to do it in the least hurtful way:

• Plan what to say and try not to ambush your partner. Even if they’re aware that your marriage is not working, they might be in denial and not expecting a divorce.
• Choose an appropriate time so you can talk undisturbed for as long as necessary.
• Try to stay calm and avoid heated statements, but be prepared for anger, blaming, and agitated reactions.
• If you’re sure that divorce is what you want, don’t delay and waste your own and your partner’s time. As soon as you tell your partner about wanting to get a divorce, the sooner the both of you can start getting over the failed marriage and begin the healing process.
• Try not to blame your spouse for the failure of your marriage and avoid digging up any past quarrels. Calmly explain how you feel and avoid getting sucked into a fight. This is hard to do so if you find yourself slipping into blaming your partner, apologize and shift your attitude as soon as you are able. 
• Set boundaries. Even if you’re feeling guilty about being the one to end your marriage don’t try to comfort your partner by being overly affectionate or listen to their plea for reconciliation. This can send mixed signals and give them false hope of getting back together.

Get Guidance From PIVOT Relationship Advocates If You’re Ambivalent About Getting A Divorce 

Whether you’ve only begun to contemplate divorce, or you’re going through it right now, there are professional coaches you can turn to for personalized solutions. You can take some time away from the everyday stress that this huge change brings to all areas of your life and explore your feelings in one of our Glass House retreats, before making the final decision. 

By learning to let go of anger and resentment you can make yourself emotionally available for new experiences or for an attempt to save your marriage. If your divorce is already finalized, our coaches can help you find balance and strength to continue your life with renewed optimism, self-esteem, and above all, love for yourself.