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Reconciliation after a separation or breakup is one of those highly personal experiences that people have diverging opinions about. Some people wouldn’t get back with an ex-partner because they firmly believe that people can’t change, and if the relationship failed once, it failed for a reason.

There are also those couples that seem to be breaking up and getting back together almost every couple of weeks. However, assuming that most of us don’t belong to these extreme cases – how can we tell when relationships are worth saving and working patiently on repairing?

The main fact to take into consideration is why the breakup happened in the first place. Some people simply fall out of love, while others hurt their partners terribly, causing irreparable damage to their relationship. Some individuals get cheated on, having to decide if this is something they can forgive and whether they can restore the broken trust. There are also the very extreme cases of physical and verbal abuse, and in such cases of domestic violence, for most, reconciliation isn’t an option.

For now, let’s focus on the more common examples of marital crisis and separation with the intent to reconcile. What is it that makes some couples stay together while others split up? Sometimes, a separation can even save marriage because it provides both partners with the opportunity to see what their lives would look like without each other, and it also gives them the time to explore their feelings, needs, and expectations. This way they can come back to the relationship and try to do things differently after learning from previous mistakes.

What Are The Signs That My Partner Wants To Reconcile?

After the initial stress of separation, when things calm down a bit and partners start communicating in a healthy and productive way, signs of reconciliation become visible relatively soon, most commonly within a year or two. If the separation lasts longer without much contact between ex-partners, the chances of getting back together become significantly lower.

If you went into separation with the intent to reconcile some of the common signs that can lead you to the conclusion that your partner is willing and ready for reconciliation and a more committed relationship include:

• Communication during the separation; both partners are listening to each other more carefully and responding more thoughtfully.
• The main problems have been identified, addressed, and/or fixed.
• If the reason for your separation was an affair, the unfaithful partner shows sincere remorse and regret. The other partner shows that they’re ready to forgive and move on.
• Your partner often brings up happy memories you shared during your time together.
• Your ex-partner misses you and is not scared of expressing it.
• They don’t have unrealistic expectations of you or your relationship.
• They’re coming to you for support when they need it and are open about their feelings.
• You start spending time together again, and they find various reasons to talk to you, meet you, and spend time with you.
• You can notice positive changes in your ex-partner’s behavior; they’re in a good mood when you’re spending time together and are genuinely happy to see you, or they might be even flirting with you.
• They ask mutual friends about you.

How Do I Know If Reconciliation Is A Good Idea?

Even though reconciliation is possible in most relationships, it won’t happen on its own. This means that something needs to change. Positive change doesn’t just happen. Both partners need to show the will and commitment to make things work. And if this keeps happening consistently over time, some common ground can start appearing again and you can use it to rebuild your relationship.

If you’re not sure whether reconciling is a good idea, start by carefully examining your feelings. Try to be honest about what your relationship is. Can it be held together by love, trust, and commitment to one another and shared goals in life? If you want your partner back, what are the reasons for wanting them back? 

Many people make the mistake of reconciling with their former partners because they feel lonely and they are not used to being alone. Ask yourself what has changed in your relationship. Did both of you change for the better? There’s no point in getting back together if nothing has changed. You will likely end up in the same relational loop.

If you’re dealing with a love-avoidant partner, reconciliation might be harder even if they do show all the signs of wanting to reconcile. Love avoidance is particularly difficult because it means that your partner needs to deal with personal issues beyond your relationship. People exhibiting love avoidance traits usually have difficulty trusting other people and tend to pull away from intimate relationships because underneath it all – they’re scared of getting hurt. 

If this is the case with you or your partner, individual therapy would be recommended before getting back into an already failing relationship. The underlying issues of one’s inability to form healthy relationships with other people must be addressed before they can start working on their romantic relationship.

How Do I Need To Approach Reconciliation With My Partner?

Statistics show that most average separations last about 6 to 8 months. During this time both partners can take a step back, calm down and examine their actions and feelings more objectively. 

If you’re determined to get back together, you need to remind yourself what it was that made you choose one another as partners. This means talking about how you feel and what it is that you want from your relationship in the future.

If you’re sure that getting back with your partner is what you want and are now wondering how to reconcile after a separation, you might want to show them that you’re aware of your mistakes and shortcomings and that you also understand theirs and can forgive them. If you’re the one whose actions caused the separation, you might have to show sensitivity and understanding for the pain your partner is experiencing and allow them sufficient time to heal.

You both need to make an effort to listen to each other without judgment, so you can feel safe expressing your feelings. Commit to respecting your partner’s needs and opinions, and taking them into consideration in everyday life.

PIVOT Can Help You Reconcile With Your Partner After A Period Of Separation

Before taking any specific action or making any grand gestures, be sure that reconciling with your partner is what you really want and for the right reasons. This means getting to know yourself better and getting in touch with your feelings and needs. If you feel like your partner can respond to those needs in a way that would make you happy, and that you can do the same for them, you can begin the process of reconciliation.

You can take your time to explore your thoughts and emotions, and you can do so with professional help and guidance. Attending an individualized Glass House retreat can help you shut out the noise of the outside world and dive into yourself. Relationships require trust and trusting another person means learning to trust yourself first. You can emerge stronger, self-sufficient, and independent, and therefore capable of forming healthy relationships based on love and mutual respect.

To some people, separation may sound like a perfect solution when you feel stuck and don’t know what to do about your relationship. It could be an opportunity to take some time off and get a new perspective on things. Placing some space between you and your partner may allow you to rethink the issues of your relationship, talk to friends, family, or a relationship coach, and figure out what the actual problems are without all the noise of everyday bickering.

To others, it may seem like an insufferable limbo. If you feel the need to control things and know exactly where you stand at all times, separation may feel like taking that old armchair to the basement when you know full well you’ll be throwing it out eventually. Some people, on the other hand, need to get used to not having it around – out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, not really.

If the very idea of separation fills you with dread, you’re certainly not the only one. After all, having all kinds of unpleasant feelings about the possible end of your relationship is perfectly normal. You may feel fear or anxiety, even signs of depression, having obsessive thoughts, and ask yourself questions like: Does my wife miss me during separation? Does she already have someone else? Will she move on right after we separate? Did she ever love me?

These are common feelings associated with a potentially permanent breakup.

What Do I Need To Know Before I Consider Separation?

It often feels like marriage separation advice is everywhere. On the internet, on TV, in magazines, and of course, all your friends and family usually have a lot to say. However, your marriage is not their marriage and only you and your spouse really know what goes on in your relationship.

What’s more, even the two of you may have completely different perceptions. Although you need to take all available advice with a grain of salt, there are certain things that most people consider before making this major decision.

Are you sure that your relationship needs a break? Maybe you have an ambivalent partner who simply can’t take the responsibility of making such an important choice, and if both of you are indecisive you could end up staying in a loveless marriage for years. Many people do this for the sake of their children or because they fear the reaction of their family and friends.

How do you know if you’re truly unhappy? Taking some time away from your marriage is probably for the best if:

• You’re constantly disappointed by your partner.
• They make you feel guilty if you spend less time with them than they expect.
• They pull you away from activities you enjoy, as well as your friends and family.
• You feel used or taken for granted.
• You feel like your marriage is constantly draining your energy without providing any positive feelings in return.
• Your partner is manipulative and makes you feel bad about yourself.

Of course, the reason behind your separation might not be your partner’s fault at all –  your feelings might have changed and you simply stopped loving them the way you used to. Don’t let guilt prevent you from seeking happiness. If you’re worried about the effect your separation might have on your children, don’t forget that a happy and fulfilled parent, even if divorced, is often a better role model than a miserable one in a bad marriage.

How Do I Prepare For My Marriage Separation?

It may be awfully hard to think about your marriage failing, but people do get divorced all the time. It’s important to think about what you’ll do in that situation before you’re in it. That way, there will be fewer surprises if the time comes. If you feel that your marriage is headed in the wrong direction no matter what you do, and the only solution is to spend some time apart and reconsider things, here are some pointers to help you prepare for possible separation.

Some aspects of the separation will be emotionally difficult, so be ready for some stressful and rough patches along the way.

• Try and give yourself some space away from your spouse while trying to maintain the relationship as healthy as possible.
• Use your free time to do things that make you happy.
• When you see your spouse or talk to them, avoid talking about the divorce or rehashing old arguments.
• Explain the situation to children if they’re old enough to understand. Do your best to not make them take sides.
• Be honest and talk about things that you’d like to change if your marriage is to continue.
• See if your partner wants to try and work things out through counseling or a couples intensive.

However, you also need to think about the logistics in case your separation turns into a divorce.

• Make sure to consult a lawyer you trust. It’s a good idea to have a document ready before you make the final decision so you know what you’re going to do with shared assets and finances.
• You can also look into mediation; it can help you decide how to split things up amicably. This involves all your assets and belongings, as well as debts.
• Make sure that you can be financially independent and prepared to live on your own.
• Think about child custody in case your separation turns into permanent divorce.
• Avoid jumping into a new relationship right away. You probably aren’t emotionally ready. Your children will need time to get used to the idea of not having their parents together and even more time to accept their parents’ new partners. Besides, there could also be legal consequences to this since you’re not legally divorced yet.

How Can I Ensure A Healthy Separation?

When a significant life-changing situation like this happens, you may feel like nothing is under your control, and that can be scary. Keep in mind, however, that even though there are two of you in the marriage, you alone can choose the way you want to handle your separation. You can’t, of course, predict the behavior and actions of your spouse, however you can do your best to make the process easier for yourself and your children.

Try to keep things as polite as possible by:

• Not treating your partner like the enemy.
• Setting the standards of courteous behavior by being a positive example for both your children and spouse.
• Showing that you can be trusted and that you have no ill intentions.
• Not lying and doing what you said you would.
• Not hiding important information.
• Not stonewalling your partner; answer their phone calls, texts, or emails.
• Not talking badly about your partner, particularly in front of your children.

Keeping things as civil as possible, even if you’re the one who got hurt, will make this stressful process easier for your kids if you have any, and for both of you as well.

PIVOT Helps With Expert Marriage Separation Advice and Guidance

If you’re unhappy in your marriage and are considering taking some time apart from each other, you can start by talking to your partner about how you could try to work things out. If your partner agrees to couples therapy, you could certainly give it a try – it may be just what your relationship needs.

Even if they’re not interested in it, you can focus on your own well-being. Talking things out with a relationship advocate can help pinpoint your needs, and conclude whether those needs can be met by your current partner. You may end up finding your way back to each other, or at least gain insight into why things aren’t working.

You can use your separation to get away from the noise of your daily life and address your feelings and concerns at one of  PIVOT’s individualized retreats. You will learn to adapt your response to stressors and situations that trigger negative feelings about yourself. This can help you achieve a more stable relationship if you decide to get back together, and, more importantly, it will help you become a stronger, self-reliant individual, prepared to cope with whatever comes next.

Even if a picture of a crying child as parents leave for work is the first thing that pops into your mind when you hear the words separation anxiety, the feeling behind it might not seem so distant and childish to many people. The overwhelming fear of being away from people you love, particularly your partner, can be quite familiar to many adults and their relationship. People tend to hide these feelings as they are often viewed as immature, insecure, or even selfish.

Nevertheless, they do exist even in adulthood, and most of us can think of at least a few examples of having felt this way. While it’s perfectly normal to occasionally feel lonely when you’re away from your partner, in some cases these feelings get out of control and cause severe distress and pain to some people. This is a clear sign you need to address them.

What Is Separation Anxiety in Adults?

To get a better understanding of separation anxiety in relationships, let’s go through the most common manifestation of this issue. Like the name says, this is an intense fear of being separated from the people you love and them living their life without you in it. These are the people that make you feel safe and cared for, so this feeling can be perfectly reasonable, as nobody likes to be away from the people they love. However, there are cases when people feel irrational fear, panic, anxiety, and overall distress at the very thought of not being around their loved ones.

These are the situations that need to be recognized and addressed because they can cause severe stress in your everyday life and prevent you from making rational decisions. Separation anxiety is not equally serious in all cases. It can be mild for some, while others may experience overwhelming levels of stress and anxiety preventing them from the most basic functioning in their everyday lives.

People suffering from separation anxiety usually feel a strong and irrational fear they might lose a loved one, most frequently a romantic partner, in various ways. Those can include injury, accidents, illness, and death, or they may fear being abandoned by the person they love.

How Do I Know If I Have Separation Anxiety In My Relationship?

As opposed to small children, whose separation anxiety is common and presents a normal stage in their development, adults who experience these unsettling feelings and fears generally have unhealthy attachment styles.

Adults who suffer from separation anxiety experience both emotional and physical symptoms that include negative thoughts and obsessive worrying. When it comes to physical signs they present as typical anxiety symptoms like having trouble sleeping, headaches, nausea, or feeling unwell without a clear cause.

If you’ve been living with these feelings, you might not even be able to tell that something might be wrong and that you don’t have to feel that way. To get a better understanding of what separation anxiety in a relationship is, consider the following behavior patterns and how much they apply to you:

• You feel unfounded worry and fear that people you love might disappear from your life or be fatally injured.
• You refuse to be away from your loved ones and experience severe distress if you do.
• You have difficulty sleeping when you’re away from your partner and feel extreme fear that something bad might happen to them.
• You experience frequent depression or anxiety episodes or have panic attacks if separated from your loved one for a period of time, or even just thinking about being away from them.

What Can Cause Separation Anxiety In A Relationship?

The causes of separation anxiety can be divided into several categories. Since this is a type of anxiety disorder, hereditary factors may play a significant role in its development. Children of parents suffering from anxiety are more likely to experience it both as children and grownups. Adults who are already diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder can often experience separation anxiety too as one of the many manifestations of this type of disorder.

However, genetic predisposition is not a guarantee that someone will suffer from these issues. Environmental factors play a significant role as well. Just like someone with a genetic predisposition can maintain happy and healthy relationships, the opposite can happen too. People without a family history of anxiety disorders can develop separation anxiety caused by environmental factors and various stressors experienced later in life.

The most common environmental causes of separation anxiety in adults are:

• Childhood neglect, abandonment, or other attachment issues.
• Adverse environmental conditions or stressful changes.
• Codependency in a romantic relationship and putting your partner’s needs above yours.
• A history of rejection or abandonment in previous relationships.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Separation Anxiety On Your Relationship?

Separation anxiety is most obvious in romantic relationships because they make people particularly vulnerable and exposed. Being intimate with someone and opening up to them may also mean opening a lot of suppressed emotions, including those from early childhood. People can be unaware of the underlying causes of their separation anxiety issues and this can cause a wide range of problems in romantic relationships as reasons that drive their behavior patterns or negative feelings, and fears are often not obvious.

Those feelings can manifest as:

• Extreme possessiveness that can overwhelm the partner.
• Emotional distress that affects everyday life.
• Trouble sleeping.
• Mood changes, anxiety, and depression.
• Avoiding leaving the house or other irrational fears.
• Risky behavior, substance use, or bad decision-making, all driven by fear.

There are, of course, cases when separation anxiety isn’t completely unfounded. People who enter romantic relationships with partners with avoidant attachment styles may be particularly susceptible to these issues. 

Traits of love-avoidant people can make things worse, as they crave independence and self-reliance. They don’t feel comfortable relying on others or having others depend on them, this is why they tend to push their romantic partners away which can easily trigger separation anxiety in their partner.

Learn How To Cope With Relationship Separation Anxiety In PIVOT’s Individual Sessions Or Small Group Settings

If this made you reconsider or recognize some of your behaviors and feelings, you might benefit from learning how to cope with separation anxiety in your relationship. You’re certainly not the only person to feel this way and, while learning how to deal with such feelings requires some effort on your part, professional guidance is available to lead you toward your goal.

You can make the first step through PIVOT coaching sessions. Our experienced and caring advocates can help you recognize and change unhealthy thoughts and behavior patterns, which can, in turn, make you better equipped to deal with your romantic relationship issues. You can learn more about love-avoidant traits, separation anxiety, and how they interact.

You can also work through the unhealthy patterns and learn to deal with these issues in a comfortable group setting of retreats for individuals. Start building trust and love in your relationship and avoid the traps of separation anxiety.

A lot of people experience feelings of isolation or loneliness caused by fear of rejection. The need to belong is one of the strongest needs all of us experience and to satisfy this need, many of us have difficulty “being ourselves” or even knowing what an authentic person is, let alone knowing how to be authentic.

Modern society and mass media send mixed signals by doling out advice on self-authenticity and promoting it as a positive trait while simultaneously suppressing it through various cultural, societal, and family norms and expectations. Most of us are trying to fit in and to achieve acceptance by those around us. This is why we try to present ourselves in a way that is more consistent with an ideal image of who we think we need to be than with our true selves.

There’s no doubt that self-authenticity is crucial to your mental health and happiness. It’s also quite clear that before forming healthy and loving relationships with other people, you first need to learn to accept and love yourself. There are many barriers preventing us from achieving this goal. Many people struggle to discover who they truly are in the first place, and then to find the strength and courage to unapologetically live their lives as their true selves.

Sometimes being true to yourself, being honest, and setting boundaries may seem hurtful to people in your life who have grown accustomed to another version of you. This is a difficult process, but it does have so many amazing benefits to your personal happiness and your relationships with other people, particularly romantic partners. 

How Does Being Self-Authentic Improve My Relationship?

When it comes to romantic relationships, self-authenticity can feel a bit confusing in the beginning. After all, relationships are about compromise, and that means that sometimes you might need to back down or give up on certain needs and desires.

However, not all needs and desires are of equal importance. Picking your battles and determining what’s essential for your happiness and well-being is the way toward setting healthy boundaries and having a truly meaningful relationship.

Discovering what your true feelings, needs, and principles are and then applying them to your everyday life is easier said than done. However, it’s the most meaningful journey you can embark on. It will improve your personal well-being and the health of your relationship. You can finally:

• Have a true connection with another person by allowing yourself to be seen as you truly are.
• Instead of presenting an inauthentic, thought-out side of yourself, show your vulnerabilities and allow them to be truly seen by the person you love. This will strengthen your connection and intensify the feeling of closeness. 
• Learn to deal with the fear of rejection in a relationship. This is a common issue that prevents people from achieving self-authenticity.
• Stop adjusting your behavior to please others. Without the pressure to act in a way that your partner or other people expect from you, you will liberate your true self so you can open up to people that accept and love you as you are.
• When you stop pretending, even in small and meaningless ways, you will achieve complete openness and honesty in a relationship.
• You will find strength and freedom, and finally, feel liberated from the constraints of an inauthentic personality.
• Learn and begin to hear each others opinions and desires and then co-create a process/answer to the topic at hand to create emotional intimacy.

Accepting and loving ourselves, including our flaws, and negative feelings like anger, fear, and sadness, as uncomfortable as it may seem in the beginning, is the only way that will lead us to our authentic selves. It will make us happier, healthier, and more connected to people in our lives.

How Can I Become More Self-Authentic?

The road to self-authenticity may both seem and actually be quite a difficult transition. First, you have to discover who your true self really is. This is not an easy task and requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-acceptance. And then, the people in your life need to get used to the new you as well which can, again, be difficult.

Depending on how big the difference between your “personas” are and how far you need to go to finally become your true self, you might lose some people in the process. Don’t let this stop you. Relationships with people who aren’t accepting of your true self are not the healthiest ones in your life.

When you decide to stop worrying about how other people perceive you, it’s time to begin the process of self-actualization. Take it one step at a time and don’t get discouraged if some of them take longer than you expected. If you’re wondering how to be authentic, consider these traits and inspect if and how they apply to you:

• Believe in yourself and your ability to organize your life according to your needs.
• Don’t lie. Make your opinions known and express them in an honest and healthy way. When you have to say something that might be unpleasant or hurtful to others, try to simply express your opinion without judgment.
• Remember to not deviate from your principles when making important decisions, as suppressing your core values and beliefs won’t make you happy.
• Don’t succumb to other people’s or society’s ideals of success and the pressure to adhere to them.
• Discover your true passions and pursue them.
• Refrain from hiding your feelings and holding onto impossible standards or expectations that you need to be perfectly rational and sensible. Don’t hide your vulnerability.
• Remember, you can’t please everyone. Aside from being impossible, denying your feelings and needs will make you chronically unhappy.
• Stay out of other people’s business. Unless someone asks for your input or help, don’t try to influence or change other people. Authenticity also means letting other people be who they truly are.
• Admit and accept your mistakes, shortcomings, or negative feelings. Being self-authentic doesn’t mean being perfect. Don’t try to place blame on others if you’ve been hurt by not being true to yourself.
• Accepting your imperfections doesn’t mean you can’t work on improving them.

How Can I Develop An Authentic Relationship?

A prerequisite for having a healthy relationship with other people is to first establish a healthy relationship with yourself.  If you care about yourself and become satisfied with the way you live your life and can make important decisions, you’ll feel ready for a healthy relationship with a person who has, hopefully, achieved the same goals.  

Developing an authentic relationship requires challenging work on both sides. Both you and your partner need to firmly decide that this is your goal and arm yourself with patience and strength to follow through. It truly takes an assertive and deliberate effort to overcome the learned behavior patterns that may stem from early childhood.

PIVOT’s Individual & Romantic Relationship Workshops Help Pave The Way Toward Self-Authenticity

It’s only natural to feel overwhelmed by such a challenging task, as most people don’t know where to start or how to achieve these goals on their own. Luckily, you’re not alone and you don’t have to be, as you can turn to professionals to guide you through it and provide all the advice and support you may need.You can start the process with the help and guidance of PIVOT’s relationship advocates who’ll make themselves available to you anytime you need support. Another efficient way to build trust and connection is by attending one of the romantic relationship skill-building workshops. These retreats will provide you with a safe environment to find and express your true self, so you can finally have that healthy, happy relationship most of us long for.

Each of us goes through a process of discovering ourselves and searching for our place in the world, society, and relationships. We grow up in different social environments, some of them liberal, some quite restrictive. Being able to grasp the meaning of being authentic and the main traits of self-authenticity, finding your true self, and feeling free to express it without fear of judgment or punishment can feel like a rare privilege for some.

Even those of us who were lucky enough to be born and live in liberal societies struggle to achieve self-authenticity and are frequently led astray by that nibbling inner voice convincing us that we might not be good enough and explaining how we need to contort our personality to fit that image of perfection that was created for us by society, culture, or family.

However, some studies show that hiding your authentic self may lead to a wide range of negative emotional and psychological consequences, such as low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, and depression among others. Achieving self-authenticity is therefore essential, albeit difficult. 

What Causes Problems With Achieving Self-Authenticity?

Think of all the times you kept your mouth shut when your friends were doing something you considered wrong or had to quietly listen to authority figures wishing you could talk back and express your thoughts and beliefs. 

In doing all these things we actually hurt our true selves. We tell ourselves our feelings don’t matter, consequently drawing subconscious conclusions that we, our true selves, don’t matter. This kind of behavior can provoke feelings of guilt, shame, and angst. Some of the barriers preventing us from achieving self-authenticity are self-imposed while others are imposed by the society we grew up and live in.

The most common issues that might stop us from achieving self-actualization could be:

• Abuse or trauma. Various levels and forms of neglect, abuse, or trauma can leave scars and result in building defense mechanisms to cope with them. This can push people into developing a “false self” quite early in life.
• Genetically determined traits cause differences in temperament and our emotional or psychological predispositions. The genes we inherit from our parents interact with the environment we are born into and shape our future development.
• Family dynamics. No parent is perfect so naturally, interactions with parents or caretakers who might be doing their best can still cause damage to a child’s development of self. In worst cases, various types of abuse or neglect can be severely damaging to a child’s personal identity.
• Gender roles and cultural ideals of how men and women are supposed to act or look are quite strict in most societies. Most of these traits, aside from some genetic differences, are not innate. People adopt a lot of gender stereotypes through socialization, preventing them from expressing their true selves.
• Body issues. This is an extremely powerful pressure people deal with during most of their lives. The mainstream culture sets beauty standards that make most of us feel less worthy if we don’t conform to them or at least strive to through excessive diets, exercise regimens, or corrective surgery.
• The need to constantly appear happy and content, to seem confident even if we’re generally insecure or shy, or not show that we’re nervous whatever the circumstances.
• Conventional ideas of success. Everybody has their own idea of success, and not all of us want great careers, big families, or a lot of money. The definition of success based on status and income makes a lot of people give up their dreams and evaluate themselves according to norms that are far from their own.
• Perfectionism. Trying to be perfect in everything we do and the way we act is an impossible goal some of us subject ourselves to. Studies have shown that many people who strive for perfectionism and are afraid of failure battle depression and experience suicidal thoughts.
• Conforming to rational models of thinking. The idea that our feelings get in the way of being rational and making sound decisions dominates some people’s thinking and makes them suppress their feelings. However, all our feelings, including negative ones like anger, anxiety, or depression are part of our true selves and need to be addressed instead of suppressed.
• Death awareness. At a certain age, all of us get struck by the realization that we and everybody else we know and love will die. This can cause us to adhere to certain ideologies or belief systems, present in our culture or family, that provide comfort and relief from fear of death.

What Are The Signs Of An Inauthentic Person?

It’s quite common for people to take on inauthentic characteristics, attitudes, or behaviors because they feel pressured by others or believe it might help them achieve a certain type of success. We focus on appearances and in doing so we might lose our way and harm both ourselves and those around us.

You can recognize inauthentic people by some of the following behaviors:

• Showing off and being full of themselves.
• They are judgmental and manipulative.
• Hiding their true emotions behind aggression.
• Not admitting their flaws and mistakes.
• Constantly seeking attention.
• They’re people pleasers.
• Demonstrating unrealistic perceptions.
• They’re cynical with a hostile sense of humor.
• Inconsistent.
• Snobby about people they’re friends with, or tend to surround themselves with people they can easily manipulate and exercise their authority over.

How Do You Know You’ve Become Self-Authentic?

This is not an easy question to answer because self-authenticity can mean different things to different people. However, being self-aware, getting to know yourself, and allowing your behavior to reflect those feelings without the need for external validation is an effective way to begin the process of becoming self-authentic. It means caring for yourself and not looking for something outside of yourself to complete you.

What are the traits of an authentic person? You can consider these general guidelines to see if they apply to you and your behavior:

• Being accepting of yourself and other people.
• Being honest.
• Having a healthy ego.
• Admitting and accepting your mistakes and learning from them.
• Living by your principles. 
• Having a realistic perception of reality.
• Being emotionally mature.
• Being considerate to other people.
• Setting boundaries.
• Not feeling threatened by others and their success.

PIVOT Relationship Building Skills Workshops Help Achieve Self-Authenticity And Healthier Connections With Others

Achieving authenticity is certainly not an easy task. It can cause pain and trigger hostility in those who “enjoy” your façade. Some people may distance themselves from you and this may feel like a loss, however, feeling better about yourself is a priority. Living your truth needs to actually have a positive effect on your relationships – the healthy ones, that is.

If you’ve spent a substantial portion of your life adhering to social norms and ideals, it may take considerable effort and commitment to begin the journey to self-authenticity. This might be a long and challenging process, but you don’t have to do it on your own.As your transformation might cause some turbulence when it comes to relationships with people in your life, PIVOT’s relationship advocates can help you navigate these challenging times. Professional guidance is also available through relationship-building skills workshops, which can lead you to achieve fulfilled, happy, and healthy relationships as a new and empowered you.

While the terms neglect and abandonment may sound quite similar and are sometimes used interchangeably, there are significant differences between these two types of behavior that may cause physical and emotional harm to the child or person at the receiving and of it.

When it comes to abandonment issues in childhood, adulthood, and relationships, this term is generally used for describing perpetual thoughts or behaviors driven by fear and anxiety that someone you care about will reject or leave you. On the other hand, emotional neglect involves consistent ignoring or lack of response to any emotional expressions, as well as intimacy or interaction-seeking behavior.

Children, in particular, need the presence of a stable adult figure that will provide consistent attention and affection besides otherwise interacting with the child. Not having these basic needs met can lead to various emotional issues in adulthood.

What Is Considered Emotional Abandonment?

Abandonment issues present a type of anxiety disorder that can encompass a range of behaviors rooted in an irrational fear of loss in different relationships. People experiencing these types of challenges usually struggle with an overwhelming fear that the people they’ve grown attached to will leave or reject them. This compelling sense of being rejected, excluded, or left behind can develop due to continued exposure to an unreliable or absent parent or caretaker.

If you find you’re often battling these feelings in your relationships, it’s quite possible that they originate from your childhood. Unresolved child abandonment problems can come bubbling to the surface due to multiple triggers. There are various reasons for having such feelings and fears as an adult, but some of the most common ones are:

• Not receiving adequate affection and love, or being abandoned by a parent (this includes a difficult divorce).
• Experiencing the death of a close family member or a dear friend.
• Being put in situations that require adult behavior and responsibilities during childhood.

The death of a close family member can be particularly traumatic for children as it is usually the first time they become aware of mortality and begin to question their own. Another typical trigger for these fears is experiencing the divorce of one’s parents. Particularly if one of the parents leaves the family and starts a new one. Children can take this quite badly and suffer the consequences of these events and the feelings they cause for the rest of their lives.

What Are The Signs Of Abandonment Issues In Adulthood?

Abandonment issues may surface later in life in the form of fear of losing your romantic partner or fearing the death of someone you love, without a specific, objective reason. The most common signs of abandonment issues in adults usually include:

• Attaching to people too easily and quickly, whether it’s a new friend or a romantic partner.
• Staying in unhealthy relationships that may involve verbal or physical abuse because being alone seems worse than being in an unhealthy relationship.
• Alcohol or substance abuse, or other types of risky behavior.
• Being a “people pleaser” and going out of your way to do what makes other people happy, disregarding your own needs and feelings in the process.
• Being envious of other people’s relationships and wishing to have what you perceive they have, a perfect relationship.
• Being unable to tolerate longer periods of separation, like when your partner needs to go on a business trip or go out with a friend group without you.
• Being too controlling in every aspect of your relationship, setting rigid standards, and making people in your life live by them because it keeps you safe from losing them.
• Unreasonable jealousy and constant thoughts that your partner is being unfaithful to the point of obsession.
• Not being able to trust other people, including even those closest to you, for example your best friends and family.
• Sabotaging your relationship yourself or choosing emotionally unavailable partners. You might do this to “beat them to the punch.” You set up the relationship to fail so you don’t have to suffer the pain of disillusionment after you get your hopes up.

How Is Abandonment Different From Neglect?

As opposed to neglect that stems from carelessness or not knowing any better, abandonment generally does involve the intentional desertion of a person or a child by someone who was responsible for caring for them. Abandonment may place children at serious risk of physical harm if there’s no other parent or caretaker to assume these responsibilities.

However, even if abandonment doesn’t appear to pose any immediate physical risk to the child’s (or adult’s) wellbeing, it can cause severe emotional distress and pain that can grow over time and develop into a wide range of damaging behavior patterns in adulthood.  In #HealthyAdult I tell my story of losing my father at a young age and although I had a “new” father a year later, the felt sense of loss remained in my body for many years – especially becasue my mother changed by that trauma too and was not the same. To the outside world it appeared as if everything was fine.  Inside the four walls of our home, it was not.

In childhood, those feelings may manifest as intense isolation or other sudden changes in behavior, while in adulthood they can take the form of more severe outcomes that influence one’s ability to form and maintain healthy emotional relationships. Hence, riding the Crazy Train, another analogy that many of our clients can relate to.  Whether you avoid attaching or anxiously attach, there is a seat on the train for you if you do not get help. 

What Are the Consequences Of Emotional Abandonment?

As a response to those feelings and thoughts that may or may not be based on truth, you may have trouble dealing with the fear of abandonment and act insecure, jealous, controlling, or even emotionally manipulative. This could be a behavioral pattern you learned from adults as a child, or one you developed later in life as a coping mechanism and response to rejection.

Some of the most common consequences of emotional abandonment may manifest as:

• People-pleasing. This can be both mentally and physically exhausting and cause you to invest too much of your time and energy into helping others- therefore, neglect your own needs.
• Feeling resentment towards people in healthy/happy relationships.
• Insecurity and self-doubt. These two feelings are related: insecurity means that you lack self-confidence, and self-doubt makes you have negative thoughts about yourself and think that that’s how others perceive you too.
• The need to be physically near your partner. You easily fall into negative thought patterns and feel like you’re incapable of being without your partner or another person you’ve grown attached to.
• Becoming depressed and acting irrationally. You constantly worry that your partner is cheating on you and keep checking on them. This type of jealousy is irrational and usually provoked by your own feelings of not being good enough.
• Constant suspicion that people in your life are not being truthful can lead you to thoughts and actions to convince yourself that pushing them away is the right decision.

PIVOT Helps Beat Negative Thoughts And The Feeling of Abandonment in Your Relationship

If you’re struggling to cope with abandonment issues in your relationship, it’s quite possible that you’re unwittingly harboring certain unresolved emotional problems. Fortunately, even though achieving a healthy state of mind requires a lot of work, professional help is available to guide you through it, every step of the way. This type of coaching can provide you with the tools you need to form and maintain healthy relationships with people you care for.

You can start your journey with the guidance of caring and experienced PIVOT relationship advocates, who can help you discover why you have these feelings, and work towards changing your negative thought patterns, and subsequently, your behavior. If you recognize abandonment issues as the true cause behind your romantic relationship problems, Glass House relationship coaching retreats for individuals can help you achieve self-authenticity and mental wellness to overcome them.

Childhood emotional neglect is a form of child abuse that encompasses a range of behaviors that can be far less obvious than wounds caused by physical abuse. Children can be hurt by their parents or caretakers in ways that don’t include afflicting physical pain and injury.

As terrible as physical abuse is, emotional neglect can be just as damaging and leave significant consequences that continue to follow the neglected child into adulthood and influence their lives in many different ways.

As a form of emotional abuse, child neglect occurs when parents or caretakers fail to acknowledge their child’s emotional needs and appropriately respond to them. This lack of attention to a child’s emotional needs can lead to a variety of negative psychological effects.

Self-isolation, fear, and distrust are some of the most common ones, and in a lot of cases, they translate into lifelong psychological issues. These problems can manifest in many ways, including; educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.

What Are The Forms of Child Neglect?

Neglect, as a form of child abuse, involves not meeting the children’s basic needs: physical, medical, educational, and emotional. Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Emotional abuse or neglect can inflict just as much damage. Since the signs are not always as obvious, other people may be less likely to notice and intervene.

It’s important to note that some parents don’t mean to harm their children intentionally, they simply might not know any better due to their own upbringing. Both neglect and abuse can be a cycle that repeats for generations. This is called generational trauma which is the transmission  (sending down to younger generations) of oppressive or traumatic effects of a historical event.

Parents who have been victims of abuse or neglect themselves might not even realize they’re doing it; they simply don’t know a better way to parent. Some are struggling with mental health or substance abuse disorders. However, this type of behavior doesn’t happen only in a certain ‘type’ of family or community. It crosses all economic, racial, or cultural borders. 

There are different forms of child neglect and not all of them have to be present at the same time. Generally, ignoring a child’s needs or not paying enough attention to them and leaving them unsupervised can lead to dangerous situations. Even though small children can lack the capacity to understand that there’s something wrong, this type of behavior can still make them feel worthless and unloved, and leave deep, lasting scars and emotional harm that follow them into adulthood.

Neglect can involve a lot of different behaviors, or lack of behavior, which makes it hard to notice. However, in broad terms, there are generally 4 types of neglect:

• Physical neglect involves denying a child the most basic needs like food, shelter, and clothing. This also includes the lack of proper supervision to keep the child safe. Protecting a child from physical harm starts during pregnancy.
• Medical neglect is also a particularly harmful one since it can result in grave consequences to a child’s health or even their life. A child needs proper health care and dental care. Some parents fail to notice or react to their child being sick or hurt or might ignore medical recommendations for various reasons.
• Educational neglect is pretty straightforward to understand, it simply means that parents fail to ensure that their child has access to proper education.  It also includes tending to learning disabilities that go undiagnosed or untreated. 
• Emotional neglect can be a quite complicated one to both define and notice. In the simplest of terms, an emotionally neglected child doesn’t receive the nurture, attention, and stimulation they require. This usually involves ignoring their needs for affection and attention, but it may go as far as humiliating or intimidating them.

What Are The Examples Of Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Even though child neglect can often go unnoticed, the ongoing failure to satisfy the most basic physical and emotional needs usually has some obvious telltale signs. There are ways to notice that a child’s basic needs are persistently not met.

The most obvious examples and effects of neglect on child development include:

• Lack of adequate supervision, or being left alone at home.
• Loss of parent due to death, addiction, mental illness, etc. with no help or support.
• Parent not seeing what the child needs and parenting from a place to selfishly get their own needs met.
• Constant signs of hunger or tiredness.
• Poor personal hygiene.
• Unclean or worn-out clothing.
• Untreated medical problems or injuries.
• Being subjected to frequent or unfair punishment.
• Not showing any affection.
• Speaking to a child in a way that makes them feel worthless.
• Dragging them into a challenging divorce.
• Overdisclosing information that is too advanced for a child.
• Parentifying them at a young age to care for other siblings and/or discharge emotions onto them as if they were the spouse of their parent.
• Not allowing the child to express their views or feelings.
• Preventing the child from engaging in usual social activities, leading to poor social relationships and skills.
• Exposing a child to seeing or hearing the abuse of someone else.

What Are the Long-Term Consequences Of Child Neglect?

All types of abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Childhood neglect is linked to physical, psychological, and behavioral consequences. They could be independent of each other but are usually interrelated.

Scars of emotional neglect aren’t physical unless they involve injury or self-harm as a very severe consequence. Another way that neglect may cause physical consequences is by inhibiting the development of the child’s brain, leading to psychological issues.

However, emotional scarring also leaves lasting effects throughout one’s life because a child’s sense of self gets damaged, influencing future relationships, and their ability to function in various social environments.

The most common consequences of emotional neglect that carry over to adulthood include a wide range of feelings deeply rooted into one’s personality. A person suffering from the long-term effects of child neglect might be able to understand some of the circumstances or elements of their upbringing that caused them to feel or behave in a certain way, while others can be deeply hidden and subconscious.

The most common long-term consequences are usually:

• The feeling of emptiness and no sense of purpose.
• Not being able to identify or express your own emotions.
• Attachment difficulties and fear of depending on other people.
• Strong fear of rejection.
• Low self-esteem and self-doubt.
• Feeling “different” from others, and having poor relational skills.
• Lack of compassion for both self and others.
• Constant negative feelings like shame, guilt, or self-blame.
• Not being able to stand up for oneself and be assertive.
• Suffering from mental health issues, most commonly anxiety, depression, or posttraumatic stress.
• High-risk behaviors, like alcohol and drug abuse, criminal behavior, or unhealthy sexual behavior.

How Does Child Neglect Affect Adulthood?

Unfortunately, the emotional neglect someone has been exposed to during childhood isn’t something they can simply grow out of and move on. Its effects are lasting and strongly influence a person’s life, worldview, and relationships with others, mainly romantic partners, family, and friends.

Consequences of neglect in early childhood lead to:

• Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. Learning to trust people is crucial for maintaining healthy adult relationships. Adults that were neglected as children might not know what a good relationship is.
• Feeling “worthless” or undeserving. These feelings are extremely hard to overcome if you grew up with them. They may cause a lack of ambition, neglecting your education, or settling for less because you don’t believe you deserve more.
• Emotion regulation issues. People who were neglected in childhood may have difficulty identifying their emotions or feeling safe to express them. This is why they bottle down and suppress their true personality, views, and emotions until they burst out in unexpected ways. Anxiety, depression, or anger are common mental health issues that may lead to alcohol or drug use to escape painful feelings.

When it comes to forming relationships with other people, particularly romantic ones, the consequences of child neglect can present a specific type of challenge. People who suffered emotional neglect as children have difficulty trusting other people, so relying on their partners or depending on others can make them feel uncomfortable and cause fear or anxiety.

PIVOT’s Here To Help You With The Negative Consequences Of Childhood Emotional Neglect With Expert Intimacy Coaching

Being or becoming aware of the damage childhood neglect has caused doesn’t mean you can just snap out of it. It’s difficult to unlearn all the patterns of behavior and feeling whose seeds were planted so long ago and are now deeply seated in every part of your being. When it comes to achieving healthy romantic relationships, resolving these issues and finding your authentic self are crucial. It takes compassion and willingness, as well as professional help to begin unpacking the damage that was done to you so long ago. Emotional intimacy coaching is an integral part of the healing process. It helps you adopt new ways of thinking and deal with your unresolved feelings. Let our PIVOT relationship advocates guide you along the way to new and healthy behavior patterns. With the PIVOT process, behavioral change is possible!