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Emotional neglect in adult relationships can result from certain behavior patterns learned during childhood. Since primary family systems generally serve as a model which individuals measure their future adult relationships, childhood neglect can often leave permanent scars and distort one’s view of the world, their place in it, and their relationships with other people.

If maintaining romantic relationships seems challenging and you feel like you can’t achieve happiness no matter what you do, it might be useful to start looking for common denominators of your discontent. You could be choosing partners who exhibit the same type of behavior towards you, or you may feel trapped by a pattern of behavior that makes you put your own needs aside.

Whatever the case, if you lack intimacy in your relationship, it may be time to think about the actual causes behind your challenges and find out how to make the necessary changes to step into a more fulfilled partnership.

What Are The Examples Of Emotional Neglect?

As opposed to abuse, emotional neglect isn’t something that happens to a person, it’s about the absence of the actions which would fulfill your emotional needs. People need to feel seen, loved, cared for, and to know that they matter. When it comes to romantic relationships, providing these needs to one another requires emotional intelligence. Some people pick up these needs when they are young if they’re lucky enough to grow up in a loving household. Sadly, that’s not always the case.

If emotional awareness, validation of your feelings, and the ability to talk about them weren’t present in your childhood, you might not have learned those skills at a young age and are sometimes unable to identify and express your feelings in a healthy manner. You might not even expect those who love you to show interest and concern about your feelings and provide you the space to express and discuss them. The lack of such an awareness may prevent you from having emotionally enriched and connected relationships with life in general.

In such cases, one or both partners involved in a relationship often miss essential emotional cues and fail to notice and respond to each other’s needs. When this is a consistent pattern of behavior, left unaddressed for too long, it may cause considerable damage to the relationship and can require a substantial effort to repair. And, a repair you might not perceive as worthwhile due to your own lack of self esteem.

What Does Being Neglected Mean?

There’s significantly more research on child abuse and neglect, but the main signs of emotional neglect in adult relationships are similar for both children and adults, so they can be used to recognize this issue in adult relationships as well.

If you’re trying to figure out the reasons behind the problems present in your relationship, look for the most common signs and examples of emotional neglect in an adult relationship.  Ask yourself:

• Does your partner minimize, dismiss or ignore your feelings?
• Are you being mocked or criticized whenever you open up about your feelings or show vulnerability?
• Are your emotional needs for reassurance and comfort dismissed as childish or unimportant?
• Do you feel like all your painful experiences are downplayed, even when you’re obviously having a tough time?
• Are you expected to put aside your feelings, even during hardships, and go on like nothing’s wrong?
• Are you missing attention, affection, and validation from your partner?
• Do you feel lonely or alone in your relationship?
• Are you being made fun of or disparaged when you reach out for help or support?
• Do you get cold and disinterested reactions from your partner?
• Do you stifle your discontent and tolerate unfair treatment or lack of respect?
• Are your needs and requests often ignored?
• Do you miss intimacy, closeness, romance, and other positive interactions with your partner?
• Is your partner frequently giving you the silent treatment to manipulate you into changing your behavior or as a form of “punishment”?

What Are The Negative Psychological Effects Of Neglect?

These types of behavior are naturally perceived as rejection and being an adult doesn’t necessarily help you rationalize your feelings or the causes that drive your partner’s behavior. When it comes to emotions, our brains may jump right back into that “abandoned child” mind frame.

This happens because situations like these cause our brains to react as they would to a physical injury. Since the same pain receptors activate, we may feel intense fear and, naturally, the need for protection and comfort. This type of reaction has been described by certain neuroscience studies that point to the immense power of emotions and the way we deal with them. Aside from our subjective feeling of (un)happiness, fostering negative emotions was proven to be detrimental to our physical health and connected to numerous health problems.

If your partner fails to provide the much-needed care and attention, this perpetuates the cycle of neglect and may cause a lasting feeling of abandonment and unworthiness. Not feeling worthy of your partner’s love and attention for prolonged periods can cause severe psychological effects and disorders.

Some of the most common effects of emotional neglect include:

• Restlessness, anxiety, depression, or other more severe psychiatric disorders.
• Mood swings, sudden outbursts, and difficulty regulating your emotions.
• High-risk behaviors, including substance use disorder, or other types of addiction.
• Lack of confidence and low self-esteem, feeling insecure and unlovable.
• Fear, shame, guilt, anger, or other negative emotions.
• Heightened self-criticism and a negative self-image.
• Hiding or burying your emotions, not being able to open up to anyone.
• Inability to form close relationships due to trust issues.
• Poor social skills, inability to ask for help or accept it when offered, or difficulty setting boundaries.
• WIthdrawal into solitude and avoidance of social situations.

How Do You Cope With Neglect In A Relationship?

Unfortunately, if you feel neglected and unloved for a long time, and your partner fails to notice and respond to your feelings, this might permanently damage your relationship. If you start feeling that you can’t rely on your partner, there are steps you could take to try and salvage your relationship by raising awareness about the issues that are causing your unhappiness.

Mending romantic relationships that have been going in the wrong direction for too long is certainly a challenging task, but not an impossible one. When you start examining your feelings more closely, you can begin to understand what’s wrong instead of avoiding or dismissing critical issues.

This process can be painful for both partners, but if you’ve been neglected for a long time, concentrating on your own well-being and validation of your feelings is a priority. Once you both recognize your own and each other’s patterns of behavior that have led you to this point, you can choose to put in the necessary effort and change them. Or not.  The most important thing to do in the long run is to reparent those parts of self that were neglected and choose partnership from your Healthy Adult self. Our #HealthyAdult book can help you understand more of what this article is saying and can be found on Amazon. 

PIVOT Can Help You Overcome Abuse & Neglect With Expert Relationship Intimacy Coaching

If you feel ready to try to revive your relationship or tend to your own well-being and self-authenticity, there are ways to get professional help and support. You can let PIVOT’s relationship coaches lead you towards your set goals after they help you decide what they are. Whether you choose one of the empowering Glass House retreats, personalized individual sessions, or relationship intimacy coaching, you’ll be in safe hands. When you engage in PIVOT, there are two facilitators for each couple to assure everyone is fully seen, heard, and supported.  Our couples intensives can significantly change the direction of your relationship and begin to create a deeper level of understanding and connection. Finding the will and strength to change is an attainable goal! 

When it comes to romantic relationships some people tend to repeat the same patterns of behavior and make similar choices to the ones that had already proven themselves detrimental to both their well-being and their relationship. So why do so many of us keep making the same mistakes?

Most of our adult behaviors and feelings frequently stem from certain unresolved issues that punctuated our childhood. The challenges of many romantic relationships often arise from unconscious childhood neglect. Those who grew up with consistent emotional neglect and experienced it as “normal” at an early age might have difficulty connecting intimately to other people in general, particularly in romantic relationships.

Although it doesn’t make sense to keep staying in relationships that make us miserable, some of us keep tolerating diverse types of neglectful behavior even in our adult life because it’s familiar if that’s what we learned through the family dynamics of our childhoods.  Simply put, we are drawn to whats familiar regardless of merit.

What Is Considered Neglect?

The word neglect almost instinctively makes us think of an abandoned child. But neglect doesn’t necessarily refer to a lack of food, shelter, or clothing. Those are the most severe and evident types of neglect and the most usual forms of child abuse, but children can also be deprived of other basic needs that involve lack of attention and affection.

Emotional neglect during early childhood can be a particularly crucial factor in an individual’s ability to achieve healthy adult relationships. The reason for this is children subconsciously adopt damaging behavioral patterns as ‘normal’, and shape their ideas and perception of themselves and others according to these patterns. This can influence their attachment style formation, and subsequently their behavior patterns in adult relationships.That is why in the PIVOT process we use the term #HealthyAdult. We WANT people who had complex childhoods and feel like they struggle in relationships that there IS a solution. 

Attachment style is a frequent topic of conversation when relationships aren’t working out, as it strongly influences the choice of a life partner. It’s often cited as a root cause of some relationship difficulties, so by recognizing their attachment patterns people can discover what made them relate to others in certain ways and why.

What Are the Different Types of Neglect?

Emotional neglect is often misunderstood because it’s not as evident and clearly defined as abuse, the signs of which are easily identified and noticeable. While physical abuse is about what was done to someone, emotional abuse is often about what wasn’t done. It’s about everything that’s missing, such as a failure to provide a child (and later, a partner) with attention and behavior that corresponds to their emotional needs. Often, adults who were neglected in childhood have unrealistic expectations of their partners.  Wanting their partner to “right” the “wrong” that was done to them. 

There are diverse types of neglect, both in children and adults, but they translate quite clearly from the early stages of life to adulthood. Generally, there are six main types of neglect during childhood which can carry the most impact on our adult lives:

• Physical neglect occurs when children are denied basic needs like food, clothing, and shelter.
• Medical neglect is when they don’t receive the necessary and timely medical care when ill or injured.
• Supervisory neglect happens when parents or caregivers fail to protect their child from being harmed.
• Environmental neglect usually refers to unsanitary or otherwise inappropriate living conditions that may lead to illness or other harm. This is considered by some experts to be a form of physical neglect.
• Educational neglect is denying children access to education and not helping them when the educational demands are complex for their specific learning challenges.
• Emotional neglect:  All the above types of neglect may strongly influence a child’s development into an adult battling various psychological issues. However, emotional neglect is the one we’re exploring, as it may directly correlate with the development of a wide range of difficulties and problematic patterns in our adult relationships and attachment styles, and potentially lead to an attachment disorder.

Individuals experiencing childhood neglect may keep having the same feelings even as adults when they enter romantic relationships, and they may find themselves craving attention. Recognizing the origin of these intense feelings and types of neglect in adults are particularly important steps towards learning to deal with them and making significant changes to behavior patterns.

What Are the Signs of Neglect in Your Relationship?

When it comes to neglect in adult relationships, it’s important to keep in mind that emotional neglect may not be as evident as abuse because it’s not about what happens – it’s about what’s missing. In a romantic relationship, emotional neglect can appear in the form of continuous failure to notice a partner’s feelings and respond to them appropriately.

This can make us feel invisible and unworthy of care, and even make us neglect ourselves. Some people could experience serious depression or engage in high-risk behaviors, either to draw attention to themselves or to escape unpleasant feelings.

The most common signs of neglect in a relationship may include:

• Having a tough time expressing your feelings, or even identifying them.
• Having trust issues.
• Not being able to experience sincere empathy.
• Frequently feeling guilt or shame.
• Excessive worry or fear.
• The constant need to please people.
• Persistent feelings of dissatisfaction, emptiness, and lack of joy.
• Feeling disconnected from yourself and others.
• Anger directed both at oneself and others.
• Perfectionism.
• Excessive fear of failure.
• Not being able to ask for help. 

All these feelings may point to the fact that your attachment needs aren’t met. The need for attention and the feeling that you matter aren’t something you ever “grow out of”.

How Can You Tell That It’s Time to Seek Help?

Most of the feelings listed above may culminate over time and lead to actions and behaviors your relationship might not survive, or if it does, it can do so by potentially causing great damage to your mental health. Think about these types of behavior and whether they’re consistently present in your relationship:

• You confide in people other than your partner, usually friends or family members.
• You feel like you’re “alone” in the relationship.
• You don’t engage in any social activities together.
• You prefer spending time alone to spending it with your partner.
• When you try to talk about the issues that are bothering you, your partner shuts down or ignores you.
• You keep suppressing your feelings.
• You frequently feel powerless and overwhelmed.
• You feel like you can’t act naturally and be yourself around your partner.
• You delay making important decisions, like having children or setting any long-term goals.

If emotional neglect is the type of behavior you became accustomed to during childhood, you may have been suppressing your emotions for too long to even be aware that you’re doing it. Studies show that these issues might lead to mental illness and substance abuse. However, they are certainly preventable with the right kind of help.

Trying to recognize these signs in your relationship is only the first step. Finding the will and strength to change may prove to be a challenging task for many. This is where help from others is of immense value.

PIVOT Workshops Can Help Build Trust in Your Relationship and Break the Cycle of Emotional Neglect

Changing the behavior you’ve been learning all your life as a way to ease your discomfort and unpleasant feelings may not be easy, but it’s certainly achievable. One of the ways to begin to deal with these feelings and behavioral patterns is by taking part in a Glass House workshop and starting to build trust in your relationship. PIVOT relationship advocates can provide the support and help you need to address the damaging behaviors. As you progress and feel the ability and strength to stop the cycle you’ve been trapped in, true change can finally happen. 

Your attachment style is formed at an early age and it’s mostly shaped by your parents and your relationship with them. Love, annoyance, compassion, avoidance, dedication, care, neglect, and anything in between contributes significantly to the substance of the attachments you form with others, your romantic partners included.

For example, your common attachment style might be what’s causing you to develop a codependent relationship with your partner, leaving you to explore places that offer codependency recovery coaching after your relationship ends. However, what about attachment styles and divorce, does marriage dissolution affect them and how? You can find that out here. 

What Are The Different Attachment Styles?

The theory of attachment styles was established by John Bowlby during the 1950s and further developed by Mary Ainsworth. This theory serves to outline the four different types of bonds you form with your primary caregivers which serve to impact your relationships and the way you navigate through them throughout your life. Based on the postulates of attachment theory, there are four styles of attachment:

Secure

Secure attachment stems from an individual feeling secure in the relationship with primary caregivers during childhood and having the ability to openly ask for validation and reassurance without fearing punishment. You experienced value, comfort, understanding, and safety when growing up and your caregivers were emotionally available. Some of the most common signs that describe secure attachment style are:

• Emotional availability
• High confidence and self-esteem
• Positive conflict management skills
• Easy connections
• Self-reflection in relationships
• Comfort in relationships and during times of solitude
• Ability to provide and seek emotional support
• Proper communication skills
• Trust in others
• Ability to regulate emotions

Avoidant

Anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant are terms used to describe the same insecure style of attachment. Primarily, this style forms due to either absent or emotionally distant caregivers who exhibited certain patterns of behavior, such as:

• Leaving you to fend for yourself
• Expecting independence from a very early age
• Reprimanding any form of dependence on them
• Rejecting your expressions of emotions and needs

If you’ve experienced similar behavior from your caregivers, you can exhibit the following signs of avoidant attachment in your relationships:

• Avoiding physical or emotional intimacy
• Feeling extremely strong independence
• Discomfort when expressing feelings
• Dismissive behavior toward others
• Not trusting people easily
• Feeling threatened when a person tries to get close
• No need for others in your life

Anxious

Other names for the anxious style of attachment are anxious-preoccupied and anxious-ambivalent. Its characteristics are fear of abandonment, rejection, and dependence on your partner for emotional regulation and validation. It mostly stems from parenting that is inconsistent with the needs of the child. Individuals who develop anxious attachment styles have often experienced a lack of understanding when it comes to the actions of their caregivers and inability to know what to expect from them.

Some of the characteristics of such caregivers are attentiveness before pushing you away for no reason, feeling of being overwhelmed with parenting and your needs, as well as alternation between indifference, detachment, and excessive coddling. The most frequent signs spotted in individuals with an anxious attachment are:

• Difficulty placing trust in others
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of being unworthy of love
• Low confidence
• Jealousy
• Need for approval
• Sensitivity to criticism
• Clinginess

Ambivalent (Disorganized)

Some of the most frequent reasons behind disorganized style of attachment are abuse, neglect, and different forms of childhood traumas combined with the presence of fear from their primary caregivers. Individuals with the disorganized attachment are confused by their feelings and the feelings of others, leading to the development of several signs:

• Signs of anxious and avoidant attachment styles
• Difficulty placing trust in others
• Heightened anxiety
• Contradictory behavior
• Inability to emotionally regulate
• Fear of abandonment and rejection

Which Attachment Style Is Most Likely To Divorce?

It’s difficult and almost impossible to state one style of attachment and deem it most likely to go through a divorce, because such things aren’t universal. Relationships are unique and individuals within them are unique. Slapping the “most likely to divorce” sticker would be unprofessional and would target specific groups of individuals.

There are some signs that point to the fact that avoidant and anxious attachment styles attract one another and that they form a rocky basis for a stable marriage due to the innate incompatibilities of these two types of attachment. 

However, drawing conclusions from such matters isn’t advisable and would be unfair toward such individuals. The truth of this matter is that we all are unique, and so are our relationships, and to mark any one marriage as more likely to fail isn’t something we’d ever want to do.

Can Divorce Cause Attachment Issues?

Yes, experiencing a divorce can affect your attachment style and cause issues in any one of the four forms of attachment. Even individuals who are certain of themselves and fall into the secure attachment categories can develop difficulties with trusting others, become emotionally unavailable, at least for a time, suffer from low self-esteem, experience discomfort in future relationships, and become less able to adequately regulate their emotions.

When it comes to other attachment styles, individuals can experience aggravating of their underlying traits, making them potentially less prone to physical and emotional intimacy, expressing emotions, forging trust with others, and much more.

PIVOT Will Help You Cope With Your Attachments With Expert Codependency Recovery Coaching

Divorce can alter your attachment style for the sheer trauma of you having to go through it all. However, there’s also a lot more a divorce can do. For example, post-divorce depression is a common occurrence even if you’re the one who decided to walk away from your marriage because of concrete reasons.

Even if your divorce is healthy and you and your former husband remain on good terms, it can still be extremely difficult to move on after your divorce. The mere fact of you having to pick up the pieces after spending a number of years with one person and in one home is often too much for any individual to handle.

That’s why you need to turn to the experts at PIVOT. Our advocates foster a caring approach when holding individual coaching sessions designed to help you come to terms with your divorce and learn how to continue your life. What’s more, our Glass House retreat can serve as a place where you find your new beginning. We’re here to help you.

It can be hard to let go of the hurt and pain, and it can be difficult to trust someone again after the dissolution of a marriage. Feelings of not being good enough or that you don’t deserve to be happy can start to creep in. However, if you find someone new who loves you for who you are and is willing to help you heal your emotional wounds, know that trust can be hard, but with time and patience, it will come.

Getting a divorce is an emotional process, but moving on and settling down in a second marriage can be equally daunting. It’s normal to feel apprehensive about getting married again after a divorce. But just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean your second one won’t be successful. In fact, there are many things you can do to set yourself up for a happy and healthy second marriage.

What Should I Know Before My Second Marriage? 

Remarriage can be a wonderful thing, but there are some things you may want to consider before stepping in. Keep this in mind as you’re contemplating getting married again:

You’re Not Starting From Scratch.

This may seem obvious, but it’s important to remember that you’re not starting your relationship from square one. You both have baggage – you from your previous marriage (and possibly other relationships) that you’ll need to deal with. They may also have their own baggage. Be honest with each other about what this baggage is and be prepared to work through it together.

Your Children Need Support.

If you have children from your first marriage, the transition affects them just as much. It can be difficult for kids to adjust to a new stepparent, and you’ll need to be sensitive to their needs. Getting your ex more involved in parenting decisions and trying to maintain a cordial relationship with them for the sake of your children is a step in the right direction.

Don’t Rush Into Things.

It’s important to take your time when getting remarried. Don’t feel pressured to rush into things just because you’re getting older or because your friends are all married. Make sure you’re really ready for this commitment and that you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Why Are Second Marriages Harder? 

Each person has their own history and their own set of issues. Second marriages are more complex because of the baggage that comes with them. They also come with a lot of expectations, which can often be unrealistic, leading to a lot of conflict and tension. Second marriages often involve blended families, which can make things even more complicated. There are usually a lot of different dynamics at play, and finding a balance that works for everyone can be tricky.

What Are the Challenges of Being a Second Spouse? 

Different last names, different family traditions, and different ways of doing things than your stepchildren’s other parents. These are just a few aspects that make being a second spouse difficult. You may feel like you are always playing catch up, trying to find your place in the family and to feel like you belong.

You may find yourself constantly compared to the other parent. This can be tough to deal with, especially if you feel like you are always coming up short. Even if you have been in your stepchildren’s lives for years, you may still feel like an outsider looking in. You may find it difficult to deal with because it can make you feel isolated and alone. This can be hurtful and frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your stepchildren do love you and appreciate all that you do for them.

What Are the Disadvantages of Remarriage?

Like most things in life, a remarriage isn’t always picture perfect. While there are many positives to remarriage, there are also some disadvantages. Here are a few things to consider before taking the plunge into remarriage:

There May Be Pressure to Make Things Perfect

You may feel like you have to make your remarriage perfect in order to prove that it can work. This pressure can be stressful and may put a strain on the new relationship.

You May Have Different Ideas About Parenting.

If you’re remarrying and have children from a previous relationship, you and your new spouse may have different parenting styles. This can be a source of conflict in the new marriage.

Finances Can Be Tricky. 

You and your new spouse will need to combine your finances. This can be difficult, especially if one spouse has debt from a previous marriage. You’ll need to be honest with each other about your financial situation and work together to make a budget that works for both of you.

Not Enough Time For Your Friends. 

When you’re married, you often spend more time with your spouse than your friends. If you’re remarried, you may find yourself spending even less time with your friends as you adjust to life with your new spouse.

Getting Married After a Divorce? PIVOT’s Relationship Coach Is Here to Help You Online 

It’s normal to feel like your life is turned upside down and that everything is completely different. Walking away from a marriage can bring on unexpected anxiety about the future. A life-altering change is a normal occurrence that can lead to serious bouts of post-divorce depression. 

You may be feeling a range of emotions, from anger and betrayal to sadness and relief. Some days, you may even experience all of these emotions at once. It can be tough to try and cope with everything, both emotionally and logistically. Even ending things amicably with your spouse can be a struggle as you may still have feelings for each other and find it hard to move on, causing serious attachment issues.

That’s why you should turn to PIVOT and our dedicated relationship advocates. Our team holds individual coaching sessions designed to help you transition to a new phase in your life. Furthermore, our Glass House recovery retreat can serve as your sanctuary where you can find your happiness and purpose in life. Lean on us as we help you to move on.

Perhaps you’ve been staring blankly in your own mirror for far too long, trying to hide your feelings, not wanting to think about marriage separation and the aftermath that would ensue. Perhaps you’ve been pushing down your thoughts of dealing with divorce for so long that they’ve finally come bubbling on the surface of many conversations.

And now you’re there, staring into the mirror, knowing what you have to do, but still dreading making your decision and still hurting yourself with the thoughts of whether it could have gone differently or not. If you’ve reached the end of your marriage rope, that’s probably it. However, if you need just one more introspective episode to be certain, keep reading.

What Is A Walkaway Wife/Husband?

A walkaway wife or a husband is an expression used to describe the act of a wife leaving their husband or a husband leaving their wife. This occurs when a husband or a wife who is unhappy with the state of their marriage petitions for divorce without previous discussion or attempts to work on their relationship with their partner. It’s sudden. 

This leaves the entire divorce process fraught with numerous questions, usually concerning the “why” of the situation, since the spouse unaware of the hat divorce prior to the petition usually has no explanation as to why such an event happened.  Keep in mind that often invitations are given to work on the relationship however one side doesn’t engage and doesn’t read the “memo” that the waters are not smooth and the “ship” aka marriage, is about to go under.

On the one side, the side of the walkaway wife or husband, there’s potentially long-brewing unhappiness, discontent, annoyance, and numerous other feelings that led to such a decision. On the side of the spouse experiencing the “walkaway” act from another perspective, there’s surprise, pain, and potentially anger.

And if you’re on the receiving end of a walkaway, there’s no blame to be had here. We’re all busy with our own lives at one point or another, leaving us blind to the others surrounding us. This is in no way justifiable, but it’s understandable that you’ve failed to give your spouse the attention they so desperately desired and failed to spot the early signs of the problem, such as:

• Lack of complaining about the things they used to be so passionate about.
• Silence throughout the day and lack of proper communication.
• Poor treatment of both spouses within the marriage.
• Children becoming the “primary” relationship to one side of the coupleship.
• Lack of excitement about sexual intercourse and intimacy.
• Complete absence of intimacy.
• Absence of expression of feelings.
• Distant relationship with your spouse.
• Disinterest in the things you and your spouse used to do on a daily basis.

At What Point Do You Walk Away From A Marriage?

There really isn’t one occasion where you say OK, it’s over now, pick up your things, pack your bags and walk away. Love and marriage don’t work that way except in cases of physical or emotional violence, when it’s vital to find protection and assistance as soon as possible.

In most marriages, discontent creeps into your daily life without you or your spouse even noticing, causing small dings in your relationship to become cracks and allowing those cracks to develop into ravines that prevent you from finding common ground. And then, one day, you fall into the never ending hole of spiraling unhappiness, not being able to remember the last time you smiled.

This can be the point of you having enough of it and deciding it’s time to end it. Also, there are more signs that can point to the fact that it’s time to keep walking in the opposite direction of your marriage:

• No respect toward you and your needs.
• No trust with your partner.
• Lack of value for the things you do for them.
• Your marriage has started exhibiting toxic traits.
• Selfish behavior without any heed for you.
• You’re the only one making compromises and sacrifices.
• Lack of sense of responsibility from your partner.
• Lack of quality together time.

What Are Good Reasons To Leave A Relationship?

The reasons for leaving your marriage or your relationship are many and every single one of them is more substantial or less important depending on the individuals involved. What we’re trying to say is that there’s no universal “leave now” reason applicable to all relationships in the world.

For some, lack of attention and communication might be plenty, while others decide to remain in relationships that for others would be immediate dealbreakers. That’s why it’s impossible to provide one or more reasons to leave your marriage. If you’re feeling bad and unloved and have been feeling that way for quite some time, the answer is obvious and there’s little for you to foster there.

Your own feelings are your only compass in relationships and marriages and if they fall on deaf ears from your partner, we’re sorry to say it’s probably time to consider another course of action. Listen to yourself, listen to your needs, listen to your feelings, listen to what your heart tells you and listen to your intuition. All these combined are not likely to be wrong, no matter how much you might want them to be.

One note is that this in no way, shape, or form refers to any type of physical or any form of psychological abuse. Shaming, yelling, and violence are an instant sign that it’s time for you to go, and don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

PIVOT Can Help You Deal With Divorce And Marriage Separation

Barring extreme cases, walking out on your marriage is tough, even if you’ve wanted to do so for a long time. First, there’s divorce anxiety you have to cope with, which isn’t easy, and there’s also the difficulty with attempting to remarry after your divorce down the line, especially if your dissolution has managed to alter your attachment style significantly.

And this is all if you’re experiencing a remotely healthy divorce without delving deeper into the potential problems that happen when ending physically or emotionally abusive relationships. This is why it’s a good idea to find assistance when going through a divorce of any kind and allow yourself to have a helping hand through it all.

At PIVOT, we specialize in helping people live again after their divorce. Our advocates are experts when it comes to personalized sessions designed to provide assistance when going through a divorce and our Glass House retreat center can assist you in finding yourself again. Don’t hesitate to contact us and let us be there to start a new chapter in your life.

The end of a marriage is considered to be a traumatic event, and rightfully so. Marital separation tends to cause a whole array of issues and provoke a myriad of negative emotions. Even if your relationship was far from satisfactory, you may still feel lost, disoriented, and sense a general lack of purpose. This is why so many people dealing with divorce guilt, resentment, anxiety, and sadness seek professional help.

In this article, you’ll learn more about depression after a marital breakup and how to cope with it in a healthy way. Although it might seem like a phase in your newly single life, you may want to be prepared and know what to expect from this part of your divorce journey, so keep reading.

Does Divorce Lead To Depression?

Although you may expect to feel better after leaving a dysfunctional or toxic relationship, this is usually followed by feelings of sadness and anxiety. Keep in mind that divorce is usually considered to be a traumatic event, at least for one or both parties in a marriage. 

On a conscious level, you may be aware of all the difficult aspects of your relationship and expect to feel relieved that it’s over. On a deeper level, you could come to realize that you have also lost something in the process and that you’re struggling to accept it. You may start to miss the feeling of certainty or recall times when you and your spouse were affectionate and in love with each other. You may just be confused and anxious about your newly-found independence. You may start to feel guilty for not putting enough effort into fixing your disagreements and saving your marriage.

You might be on the curb of post-divorce depression if the following applies to you: 

• You blame yourself for most of the issues in your marriage 
• You feel like you didn’t deserve any better
• You feel guilty for your children witnessing your arguments with your ex
• You feel disoriented and don’t feel like yourself
• You are reluctant to enter a new committed relationship 
• You start to miss your ex and feel desperate to get back together
• You have trouble falling asleep or waking up too early
• You bury yourself in other responsibilities, such as your job, daily errands, and chores, to numb the pain or just keep your mind busy
• You can’t find any pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• You can’t seem to find the strength to forgive yourself and your ex

How Long Does Grief Last After A Divorce?

There is no general rule that states how long the grieving process may last. For some, it only takes a couple of months, while others it can last years. The good news is, you can do something during this time to make it worthwhile. Finding a way to creatively occupy your mind and time is probably the best way to navigate feelings of helplessness and despair. 

For instance, you can devote time to a specific project, take up a hobby, or try to learn a completely new skill. This way, you’ll be able to get a better understanding and control of your time.

How Do I Get Over My Sadness Of Divorce?

Feeling sad may be normal if your divorce happened suddenly. Your spouse just decided to leave you without giving you the chance to work on your marriage. That situation feels like a shock: you lost an important connection, someone you trusted and counted on in good and bad times, without even anticipating that they are planning to leave.

However, it can be much more challenging to get over the sadness and avoid post-divorce depression if your relationship was complex. If there was a lot of frustration and arguing in the process, if you repeatedly tried to recuperate your relationship to no avail, or you felt personally responsible for the outcome, you may need something more than your own self-reliance. Unfortunately, many people try to numb the pain through substance abuse, excitement chasing, casual sex, and other activities that potentially result in self-harm.

Fortunately, there are effective ways to deal with frustration, sadness, and depression and keep you on the road to healing and recovery:

Pursue Meaning

Rather than looking for ways to numb the pain, your main goal could be to find meaning in the things you do daily. Your emotions are meaningful. Being sad makes perfect sense. You need to adapt to sudden changes in your life and dealing with all these emotions is a part of that. If your emotions are messy, they are probably supposed to be, and you’ll gather the strength to fix them in time.

Keep Your Daily Routine

Daily rituals are important to keep you going. If you can, get rid of distractions and reduce your screen time and presence on social media. Try to make a conscious effort to have regular meals, exercise, and get enough sleep. If you have kids, make sure to spend enough time with them.

Remember Yourself

You are going through a stressful time and you may feel tempted to deal with it by completely devoting yourself to work, household chores, or parenting. It’s important to have enough you-time, as well. You could use it to meditate, practice mindfulness, listen to your record collection, or enjoy some time in nature. If you feel sad, let go of your inhibitions and accept your grief. Keep a diary, so that you’d be aware of your progress.

Practice Acceptance And Forgiveness

If you harbor anger and resentment that keep you in the cycle of depression, the key is to take things one step at a time. Forgiving your ex and yourself for your failed marriage may be easier said than done, so try to accept your marriage is over, that things have changed and that more changes are to come. If you were able to split amicably and forgive each other, you might even remain friends.

Seek Support

In order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and helpless, it’s important to have a helping hand. Whether you’ll seek support from your friends, family members, or a professional, you may need to accept that this is necessary. It’s the first step to getting back on your feet after a complicated divorce.

Reinvent Joy

You may be tempted to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is fine. While you may feel like your capacity for joy was completely depleted after your split, you could try to approach the world with fresh eyes. You could try to approach everyday communication and activities from a completely different mindset. Getting in touch with your inner child could be helpful to overcoming post-divorce depression and starting completely anew.

How Long Does It Take To Feel Normal After Divorce?

It depends. While some people are able to divorce on amicable grounds and even stay friends after their split, post-divorce depression can take a long time to heal. Feelings of resentment, anger, and shock are all parts of the normal grieving process. You’d need to go through different stages until you reach a level of acceptance. You are no longer together and it’s OK; you can go on and take care of yourself, focus on your needs, and make the best of your time.

Where Can Divorcees Find Professionally-Guided Emotional Support? 

If you want to PIVOT from your old ways and overcome divorce depression, you can consider talking to our relationship coaches. Our professionally-guided coaching options for individuals are designed to help you go through different emotional stages of separation, and equip you with ways to cope with everyday struggles. 

You can learn more about your attachment style and whether it changed after your breakup, see how to work on your second marriage, and establish healthy boundaries. Couples also have a distraction-free opportunity to discuss their codependency or intimacy issues in our Glass House retreat. Reach out to us today to find out how we can help you.

There are many aspects to divorce and separation that can be complicated and time-consuming. Years may pass before you finally admit that you want to split up. The resulting legal proceedings can then take even longer. Even after signing the divorce papers, the journey is often far from over – it’s up to you to decide how you’d like to move forward. You’ll have to choose whether or not to include your ex in your new life.

Sometimes, ex-spouses can’t avoid contacting each other, mainly for the sake of their children, business and/or friendships. In any scenario, including co-parenting, friendship is just a choice, with both advantages and disadvantages. While no one can decide such matters for divorced couples, we offer a few pointers that can help them make an informed decision.

Is It Normal To Stay Friends With Your Ex?

There is a past between you and your ex partner. As you grew up together, you’ve built an arsenal of memories and experiences that are unique to you. In the wake of your divorce, while you’re still wondering how to accept that your marriage is over, there’s a good chance that you both have a lot of painful AND joyful memories. You can still choose to remain friends if that is what you both want.  

Relationships after divorce can be complex, and your unique situation will determine whether or not you can stay friends afterward. The situation is especially challenging for couples who have experienced a bitter divorce. Similarly, if there was abuse or manipulation in the marriage, establishing a friendship too soon after the divorce is not often possible. 

Additionally, if you share children, separated parents will likely remain in touch with their former partners for a lifetime. And theoretically, you would have an easier time communicating if you were friends.

Why Does My Ex Want To Stay Friends?

It’s possible to benefit from friendships with your ex-spouse if you have other aspects of the relationship that contributed to your development, growth, or life goals. For instance, if you both realize your strengths make you great business partners, gym buddies, or even friends, and you can respect each other’s boundaries, a healthy divorce may be the right choice for you.

Then again, according to recent studies, most people retain friendships after divorce for the following reasons – keep in mind that these reasons are not always healthy for some people:

1. Security & Safety

Being friends with an ex-partner to not lose his or her emotional support, guidance, or trust. The most common reason people turn to ex-partners is because they’re used to having a solid support system from them.

2. Practical Reasons 

Keeping in touch with the ex-partner in order to maintain financial support or the social status they once enjoyed as a couple. Also, in many cases, people remain friends after a divorce because they have children together or share belongings.

3. Good Manners

Staying friends solely out of courtesy, for the sake of not hurting the other person’s feelings, to prevent more conflict, because you have mutual friends in your community, or for some other reason.

4. Unresolved Romantic Feelings

Keeping the friendship because you want companionship, to maintain the sexual contact, and because you still hope to rekindle a romantic relationship.

Is It Healthy To Keep In Touch With An Ex?

Once you end an intimate relationship, you are often left with a mixed bag of emotions. It’s common to feel anger, confusion, regret, or sadness, and knowing how to deal with them can be tricky. Though reaching out to an ex may seem tempting, doing so too soon can lead to additional challenges, given the psychological and emotional effects of divorce.

When you end a relationship with someone, you must let go of the closeness you once shared. The importance of taking time to work through your feelings and heal cannot be overstated when one relationship has come to an end. So, don’t rush the grieving process. Instead, get in touch with your closest friends and family, and let them know how you’re doing.

What To Do If An Ex Wants To Be Friends?

Breakups take time to heal. In some cases, this process takes only a few weeks or months, while in others, it can take years. This is a tough truth to accept, however, it’s crucial that you do what’s right for you. Making this difficult decision requires you to follow these steps:

Step #1: Decide If You Want That Person Back In Your Life

There are a number of factors to consider when deciding whether remaining friends with your ex-spouse is a healthy choice. How contentious the divorce was plays a role in whether or not you stay friends after divorce. You may have difficulty trusting an ex if they weren’t cooperative and tried to undermine your credibility constantly.

Step #2: Take Your Time

Separation involves many emotional stages. Your marriage ended for a variety of reasons, so if you aren’t ready for a friendship, don’t rush into it. This may be due to different interests, trust issues, betrayal, poor communication, and many other factors. Organizing a weekly dinner or a game night with your kids may be a good way to spend time together.

Step #3: Set Healthy Boundaries

There should be a sense of joy in friendships. If your friendship with your ex doesn’t serve you or add value to your life, there’s no reason to maintain it. In case your primary emotion relating to your ex has anything to do with fear, fatigue, heartache, or confusion, you don’t have to continue to interact with them just because they were once your partner.

Can A Relationship Coach Help Me Deal With Separation?

If you’ve recently gone through a divorce or separation, PIVOT can provide you with experience-based individual coaching sessions that will help you battle divorce anxiety and increase self-care and self-awareness. You’ll gain a new perspective on life’s challenges as you learn to track unhealthy patterns of behavior, which will allow you to build more healthy relationships with yourself and others. 

Couples looking to mend their relationship after a breakup, or those considering second marriage, are encouraged to meet with relationship advocates in our Glass House sessions to ease tension and develop effective communication skills. Get in touch with us today to learn more about our services and what we can do for you.