Month: March 2019

Addictions, whether it’s drugs, alcohol or people, is a fix for negative feelings. But the fix doesn’t last. That’s why addictive relationships lead to abuse, drug use, depression, and other negative consequences.
Addictive relationships can be hard to define, and hard to tell if you are in one. Most people mistake the intense feelings they feel in this type of relationship as caring or concern.
For example, it can seem sweet or even flattering to have your partner be insanely jealous… it might show that they really care. However, a healthy relationship involves respect and trust, and not excessive jealousy and controlling behavior.
It is difficult to define these relationships; however, the basis of an addictive relationship involves having power and control over the other person.

Indications that your relationship is addictive

Addictive relationships always start magically. The attraction is instant, and it feels like you are finally understood.
Healthy relationships transition from the initial euphoria to getting to know and love the person as an individual, with all their quirks, gifts and their faults. However, addictive relationships are founded on rigid expectations of each other.
This triggers anxiety as you can’t live up to these rigid versions of each other, which then sets off the cycle of depression and euphoria… in search for the early magic. Tolerating anything for that initial “fix” again.

Lack of trust

There is a lack of trust in addictive relationships. Often anxiety is colored by jealousy and paranoid fears. This leads to constant demands for reassurance to prove that you still love each other… unlimited texts, phone calls and messages when you are not together.

Loss of control

The constant demands for reassurance lead to threats of ending the relationship. This leads to focused efforts to repair, apologize and a willingness to tolerate anything to reconnect again… at the cost of your emotional freedom.

Loss of other relationships

The obsession and dramatic cycles of addictive relationships risk your relationships with family and friends. Either family and friends feel neglected as you isolate yourself from the world and stop spending time together to “work on the relationship.” Or they are witness to the abuse and offer advice, guidance and support, but feel ignored when the cycle starts again. Either way, they can’t watch or feel personally used.

Loss of function

During the obsession cycle of the addictive relationship, if you don’t have “the fix” of the other person, then this leads to a loss of function. Like the symptoms you get when you break up… such as sweating, cramps, anxiety, nausea, sleeplessness and eating difficulties.

Loss of self

One of the most significant consequences of addictive relationships is losing yourself. Being in this type of relationship leads to having a diminished view of yourself, as compared to an idealized version of the other person. This results in higher levels of dependency.

What to do if you believe that your relationship is addictive

The first step starts with recognizing the addiction and being willing to change. This is best done with the help of a professional who specializes in addictive relationships.
Recovery starts with recovering and repairing yourself.
The good news… it doesn’t mean you will always be in an addictive relationship for life. If you are committed to change, then you’re not going to be stuck in a cycle of addictive relationships forever.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

People generally want to be close to others… emotionally and physically. After all, life is better shared with someone special. But for some people, the euphoric feeling of being in love can be intoxicating and addictive.
The words “I’m addicted to you” may sound sweet, loving and romantic at the moment. However, this could be a warning sign for something darker.
But first, consider what a normal or healthy relationship is.
Healthy relationships start with growing up in a functional family… your parents prepare you to emotionally and intellectually relate with others. To share, connect and have each other’s needs met.
Healthy relationships do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last meeting.
However, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then you lose sight of what is a healthy relationship.
Unhealthy relationship patterns lead to unbalanced, unfulfilled and addictive relationships.
Just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or other substances, being in an addictive relationship is unhealthy, toxic and powerful.

7 facts you should know about addictive relationships

Key 1: Magical (or Unrealistic) Expectations

Addictive relationships are not real. They function out of fantasy. In reality, you are in love with what you wish the person was… not what they are.
This starts even before you meet your partner. Before you have a relationship. You form expectations of what your relationship will be like. How you will feel once you have a relationship.
Having magical expectations leads to wanting to change the person you are to be selected by the person that you’d like to be with.
If you find yourself constantly thinking that the relationship would be perfect if the person could change a little bit, then it is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.

Key 2: Visible Patterns and Characteristics

Addictive relationships are composed of three elements: obsession or preoccupation, the feeling of being out of control, and the need to stay in it despite negative consequences.
Addictive relationships follow patterns and cycles, which include:

• Jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Manipulation
• Mind Games
• Drama
• Guilt
• Compulsion

Key 3: Instant Gratification

Addictive relationships happen fast and hard because it’s often based on instant sexual addiction.
Being in this type of relationship feels exciting, like an adrenaline surge. However, adrenaline is fear-based. This feeling is often confused with attraction, passion or instant love.
If it is love at first sight, animal attraction, or infatuation, then these are your warning bells.

Key 4: Obsessiveness and Desperation

An addiction to a person or relationship involves obsessive thoughts about the relationship: anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation.
It involves thinking about the relationships all the time and believing that without intense continuous effort the connection will be destroyed.

Key 5: Isolate Yourselves from the World

Being in an addictive relationship is intoxicating, to the point where you feel that no-one can share this marvelous experience you have. Because they won’t understand. So, you isolate yourselves from the world.
An addictive relationship is defined by an increasing craving to be alone with the person. Which also leads to withdrawal symptoms when you are away from them.
By staying isolated, you may find that you lose yourself and what you stand for.

Key 6: Cycle of Pain

Being in an addictive relationship becomes a vicious cycle. You become addicted to the brain chemistry related to the anticipation and traumatic bonding of the relationship.
Yet, because the relationship is so unfulfilling, you are left feeling empty, lonely and unfulfilled. This ends temporarily every time you are with your object of obsession (the person).

Key 7: Where it Starts

Issues in your adult relationships relate to your childhood. You’re drawn to what’s familiar, regardless of how good it is for you. It is what you know.
Addictive relationships, like different types of addiction, becomes a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to fill the hole of an abandonment wound from childhood.
If you’ve experienced any of the following and have not taken the time to heal your wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to addictive relationships:

• Your parents got divorced
• One or both of your parents were alcoholic
• You were adopted
• You lost a sibling or parent at a young age
• You were abused
• Your parents were emotionally unavailable
• You were neglected
• You were afraid of being abandoned
• You didn’t get validation from your parents

What to do about addictive relationships

Now if you’ve dated one harmful person, this doesn’t mean you’re addicted to bad relationships. However, if you’re noticing a pattern, then there may be a problem.
Although being in an addictive relationship feels isolating and lonely, you’re not alone. It is more common than people think.
The good news… it doesn’t mean you will always be in an addictive relationship for life. You are not “broken.”
Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever.
Instead, be open to change and find someone who understands and can help you to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.