Communication In Relationships: Why It’s Important To Speak Your Mind

Open and honest communication is a pillar of healthy relationships. Being able to speak openly, honestly, and freely. However, there are some couples who aren’t able to do so in their relationships. Perhaps they’re part of a toxic relationship where they are unable to speak their mind. Maybe they just don’t know how. 

Or the problem is a bit more individual and personal and they’re simply scared of opening up and speaking honestly to their partner. Although not all communication problems in relationships come from a deliberate attempt to create drama, the communication challenges need to be addressed and resolved so that the relationship can strongly move forward. 

In some cases, turning to a relationship coaching retreat for individuals can help you understand yourself better. Understand where your communication issues come from. Even making the first step such as learning about common communication problems in a relationship may bring you closer to understanding and speaking your truth. 

Is It Good To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship?

Why Am I So Afraid Of Speaking Up

Yes, speaking your mind in relationships is a good thing. You can express yourself in an open and honest way to a partner who’s understanding, caring, open to hearing your truth. Sharing your own personal thoughts and feelings with your partner can help you improve and deepen your relationship.

However, what if you’re feeling uncomfortable opening up? If you’ve had an unpleasant  experience of not being able to openly communicate with your partner in previous relationships, you might be vary of doing so again. Which is entirely understandable. Perhaps you’ve been blamed and judged for expressing a divergent opinion to your partner’s.

Or maybe your partner and you didn’t see eye to eye with each other. However, that doesn’t mean that being open and honest with your partner is something to be avoided. Speaking your mind allows you to be you, while being equally respectful, empathetic, and loving with your partner.

Why Am I So Afraid Of Speaking Up?

One of the biggest reasons why people are usually afraid of speaking openly and speaking up in a relationship is because they are afraid of insulting or alienating people closest to them. Whether due to past experiences or current fears, the inability to speak your mind can end up causing profound dissatisfaction. Not being able to express yourself, not feeling heard, or understood can affect yourself and your relationship. 

Why does the thought of speaking your truth make you feel uncomfortable? There might be many potential reasons why individuals are scared of speaking their mind in a relationship:

  • You’re afraid your partner is going to judge you for the things you say.
  • You’re scared of hurting your partner’s feelings.
  • You’re uneasy sharing your honest thoughts with your partner because you’re afraid of alienating them.
  • You think that you might make mistakes while expressing your opinions or feelings. 
  • You fear confrontation if your opinions and thoughts are different from your partner’s. 
  • You think it might come off as petty to share diverging opinions. 
  • You’ve had unpleasant past experiences when sharing your truth. 
  • You’re afraid your partner won’t completely understand what you are trying to express.
  • You don’t want to upset your partner. 

Why Is It Important To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship?

Once you begin to confront your fears of speaking openly in your relationship, it’s a good idea to take a look at all of the benefits of doing so. This will further help you free yourself up to the possibility of sharing your honest thoughts and feelings more frequently. 

  • You will open the door to your partner understanding who you are better.
  • You will preserve your emotional health by not bottling important things up. 
  • You will begin to share the inner, hidden self with your partner.
  • Your self-respect will gradually begin to increase.
  • Your partner will start to respect your feelings more. 
  • You’ll avoid regretting not speaking up when it was time to do so. 
  • The communication between you and your partner will become more open. 

How To Speak Your Truth In A Relationship

Why Is It Important To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship

It’s important to know that speaking your mind is not an invitation to an argument or road to confrontation. Speaking your truth is the freedom to share your thoughts, feelings, fears, and even dissatisfactions with your partner. In an honest, open, and caring way.

Speaking openly means you are free to empathetically share with your partner without being met with disapproval, judgement, or anger. Simply be heard, understood, and appreciated. Here’s how you can attempt to do so:

  • Say what’s on your mind while being respectful.
  • Understand that you are allowed to feel the way you do.
  • Be clear and honest about your desires and wishes.
  • Don’t be afraid of saying something your partner disagrees with. 
  • Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you’re experiencing. 
  • Don’t apologize for your emotions. 
  • Be open about wanting to be heard. 

Start Communicating Better At PIVOT Private Couples Retreat For Reconnection

If you and your partner are finding it difficult to communicate well, and you’re not sure what is causing it and what you can do about it, don’t be afraid to seek help. That is the first step in trying to find a solution to you and your partner’s communication difficulties that you may be facing on a daily basis. 

When attempting to resolve communication problems, it’s important to first determine the underlying reason behind them. Sometimes, it might be because you or your partner are trying to avoid conflict or because you’re afraid of being completely honest in your relationship. Whatever the reason, it’s vital to pinpoint it. However, that can be difficult to do, which is why you can consider contacting qualified and experience relationship advocates from PIVOT. We organize both group emotional and communication problems workshops, as well as individual couples workshops. We will help you share your truth with your partner. Contact us today!

Betrayal In Relationships: Why It Happens & Why It’s So Painful

Suffering betrayal in your relationship is one of the most difficult things an individual can endure. You rightfully expect your relationship to be full of love, support, and acceptance, which is why it is extremely hard to go through a situation where you feel betrayed in any way. That is why betrayals in relationships are difficult to overcome.

It doesn’t matter if the betrayal happened because of recent boredom in a relationship, or because you and your partner have started to become dishonest with each other. Betraying your loved one in any way can be explainable, but not excusable, and you and your partner need to face that event and resolve it if you plan on moving forward.

Some couples may need help from professional relationship experts in these cases. These trained and qualified professionals organize private couples retreat relationship workshops that address different relationship hardships. 

What Is Considered Betrayal In A Relationship?

The most common, and certainly one of the most hurtful forms of betrayal in a relationship is cheating on someone or having someone cheat on you. Yet, what if you haven’t experienced such a problem and still feel betrayed? 

Affairs are only one type of betrayal. Betrayals in relationships can take on many different forms, and each hurts in its own way. The following are only some of the most frequent forms of betrayals in relationships:

  • Your partner constantly putting their needs and wants above yours.
  • Experiencing emotional cheating on behalf of your partner. 
  • Your partner not standing up for you in front of others. 
  • Your partner being dishonest about different matters. 
  • Having your insecurities and vulnerabilities used against you. 
  • Noticing your partner emotionally distancing themselves from you.
  • Being under constant pressure to change.
  • Learning of your partner complaining about your relationship to someone else.
  • Your partner prioritizing hobbies, work, or other passions above the relationship. 
  • Having your private information divulged to others without your consent. 
  • Your partner disrespecting you or criticizing you in front of others. 

Can You Love Someone And Betray Them?

Can You Love Someone And Betray Them

No matter the type of betrayal you or your partner have experienced, it is a matter that can be very difficult to resolve and overcome. It can be emotionally draining and devastating. 

However, everyone makes mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t mean we do not love our partners, we do not appreciate them, or that we do not want to be with them. 

At PIVOT, we look at love as a verb. Are you being loving toward your partner?  Some days for personal reasons, we may not feel capable of giving and receiving love.  Life challenges arise and can sometimes bring a tremendous amount of fear, anxiety, and depression.  Not feeling loving does not excuse betraying your partner.  Communication is key. Share how you feel with each other so expectations are realistic.  

Mistakes happen. How we deal with those mistakes is what we can use to show our partners just how much we care about them. So yes, you can love your partner and betray them. Or be loved and feel betrayed. If it happens, it’s important to show them how much you care and do what’s in your power to make things right. 

What Does Betrayal Do To A Person?

Betrayals can have a great emotional impact on a person. They take many forms and happen for a variety of reasons, but they share a defining characteristic – they can leave serious emotional scars to those who have been betrayed. 

The initial reaction to betrayal varies from one person to another. Some individuals will, at first, feel surprised and confused, while others will feel immediate anger or sadness. All of us are different, and we react to unpleasant and hurtful situations in different ways. 

However, most people will, at some point, experience lack of trust toward the person who betrayed them. While this is a problem that can be overcome, it can truly damage a relationship if partners don’t find a way to resolve this issue. 

That is one of the biggest reasons why relationship betrayals are so difficult to overcome. Initial emotional reactions subside, while lack of trust lingers. And trust can be extremely difficult to rebuild. 

Why Is Betrayal So Painful?

Betrayals in relationships can cause you to overthink your entire relationship. They allow doubt and insecurity to creep into your relationship with your partner, which is a personal bond thought to be strong enough to withstand any challenge.

Depending on the individual, betrayals are painful for a variety of reasons. However, relationship betrayal usually hurts because we often feel that our partner, who is supposed to be closest to us, acted against us and exposed us to pain through their actions. 

And that is precisely why betrayal hurts so much. Where once there was certainty, there is now uncertainty. Where there was understanding, there is misunderstanding. And, where there was belief, there is now doubt. And that hurts. 

How Do You Deal With Betrayal In A Relationship?

Being betrayed is hard enough, but dealing with and overcoming relationship betrayal can be a lot more difficult to do. There is no set list of rules that will help you overcome betrayal in your relationship faster or better, but here are some tips that might help you deal with betrayal a bit more easily:

  • Name and embrace the emotions you’re feeling, as understanding how you feel is the first step toward recovery.
  • Don’t feel the need to explain your feelings to anyone or to rationalize them.
  • Resist from the potential desire to retaliate to a betrayal. 
  • Take as much time as you need to come to terms with your relationship betrayal.
  • Assess the betrayal and attempt to uncover the possible reasons behind it. 
  • Try to calmly discuss the betrayal with your partner and listen to their side.
  • Take your thoughts and feelings to a retained professional coach to help you. 
  • Know that you don’t have to stay.  If the betrayal is too damaging to you, you can work toward processing what to do and if the decision to leave is where you end up, that is a valid decision.  Often when children, money, and other factors are involved, it is important to give yourself time to understand what happened and why it happened so you can move on without carrying additional baggage. 

Leave Betrayal Behind At A PIVOT Couple Relationship Management Workshop 

What Does Betrayal Do To A Person

Have you experienced a betrayal and want to find a way to deal with it? It’s important to first uncover the reasons behind that betrayal. Understanding why your partner betrayed your relationship is the first step in coming to terms with it and eventually managing to overcome the entire difficult situation.

Sometimes, relationship betrayals may happen because your relationship might have been toxic. You and your partner may have become increasingly emotionally distant. Knowing the causes of any kind of betrayal is essential for moving forward and finding a way to rebuild trust. That is why it is a good idea to seek help from expert relationship advocates at PIVOT. Our relationship advocates are knowledgeable and experienced professionals who organize both individual couples emotional coaching sessions, as well as group emotional workshops for couples. We are here to assist you in any way we can. Reach out to us today!

High Conflict Personalities: What You Need To Know

Do you find yourself constantly clashing with your partner, with conflicts only escalating instead of resolving in a healthy and peaceful manner? Have you tried different approaches of communicating while attempting to defuse the situation? Is it starting to seem that no matter what you do, say, or not say, it always goes the same? Conflict, anger, blame.

Perhaps there’s actually little you can do in these situations because it may have nothing to do with your actions, words, or behavior. Dealing with high conflict people can be really difficult and exhausting, especially if you’re giving it your all to make it work. 

Perhaps it is time to reach out to a relationship coach experienced in romantic relationships and try  building skills in couples’ workshops where you can address the underlying issues. However, learning what a high conflict personality is and if there are certain ways of successfully dealing with such individuals may help understand your partner or even yourself better. 

What Is A High Conflict Person?

What Causes High Conflict Personality

A high conflict person is an individual who has a pattern of conflict behavior that increases conflict instead of resolving it or reducing it. We find that most individuals who are referred to as high conflict are typically complex – and not that complicated.  Often, in conflict situations, couples are fighting the wrong fight.  They are defending against old wounds of trauma and drama that have not been recognized and/or processed. 

This type of behavior makes it really tough for people in a relationship to deal with a high conflict partner. It can be difficult communicating and some people find it nearly impossible to resolve conflicts with their partners who keep the cycle going.

The Behavioral Pattern of High Conflict People

High conflict personality can involve a pattern of behavior that has four underlying principles. There principles are typically the following:

  • Inability to manage emotions: High conflict people can react with intense disrespect, anger, fear, or even yelling when other individuals call their opinions into question. 
  • All-or-nothing thinking: HCPs identify potential conflict resolution with a single outcome and without taking the time to analyze the issue and listen to different points of view. 
  • Blaming others: High conflict people tend to blame others with a very high intensity while failing to notice faults in their own behavior. 
  • Extreme behavior: A high conflict person can often engage in extreme behaviors, whether in person or in writing. This behavior can consist of physical aggression in the form of shoving and even hitting, to psychological aggression in the form of spreading lies and rumors. 

The Types of High Conflict Personalities

Many high conflict people share the above mentioned behavioral patterns. However, there are five different types of high conflict personalities. These types can be identified based on the similarities between their explicit manner of interacting with other people. The five types of HCP are:

  • Antisocial: Antisocial high conflict people can be deceptive and charming while attempting to manipulate things toward their desired outcome. However, they can also be cruel and blame others to extremes in case they do not get what they want. 
  • Narcissistic: Narcissistic HCPs most commonly focus on their targets of blame. They keep putting their targets down, frequently in public. This is their way of proving they are superior, and they can resort to using insults with their partners. 
  • Borderline: These types of high conflict individuals often cling to their close personal relationships and quickly turn their partners into targets of blame in case of misperceived abandonment. They can be characterized with severe mood swings and sometimes dangerous physical and emotional behavior. 
  • Paranoid: People who have paranoid high conflict personalities can be extremely suspicious of people around them. They can carry a grudge for a long time while punishing their targets of blame. 
  • Histrionic: This type of HCP is most frequently associated with emotional manipulation and big emotional outbursts and drama. They can feel unjustly hurt by other people, which makes them attack their targets of blame without any apparent need. 

What Causes High Conflict Personality?

Unfortunately, it is not possible to determine what exactly causes individuals to develop a high conflict personality. There has been theoretical research that linked HCP to different variations of early-life neglect or abuse.

Same research theoretically excludes the potential of high conflict personality appearing due to any psychological or genetic conditions. It also attributes some role of temperament in the development of HCP. 

Also, there are indications that events that carry great emotional stress, such as divorces and relationship difficulties, can trigger HCP. However, all this remains at a semi-speculative and scientifically unproven level. 

What is important to note is that in partnerships, there needs to be a way that the couple can agree to resolve conflict based on their individual background and needs.  This is where relationship coaching can be a huge help. 

How Can You Tell If Someone Is A High Conflict Person?

So, how do you know if your partner might be high conflict? One of the methods of trying to identify a high conflict person is by implementing the WEB method. This method focuses on paying attention to the words people say, identifying your emotions when communicating with them, and taking into consideration their behavior. 

  • Words: High conflict people may have the habit of speaking in extremes and perceiving people as either completely good or horribly bad. Also, they can blame others for their problems and failings while being unable to reflect on their own part in these situations. 
  • Emotions: It is also necessary to identify your own emotions when speaking to a person who is potentially high conflict. Do you notice feeling defensive or uncomfortable while speaking with them? How about angry? Since emotions can transfer, you can find yourself experiencing anger toward somebody else after speaking with a high conflict person. 
  • Behavior: Finally, how does your partner behave? Do they constantly find excuses for extreme behavior? Pay attention if they exhibit some of the behaviors that causes conflict for no apparent reason. 

Of course, if you notice that a person acts like this around you, ask yourself – is this their usual behavior? Sometimes your partner may have a bad day or experience an emotionally draining event. However, if you’re in a relationship with a partner who is constantly exhibiting similar behaviors, then, what if it’s not just a bad day? 

How Do You Deal With A High Conflict Person?

Being in a relationship with a high conflict person can be very difficult. You may come to a point where you’re unable to say or do anything without expecting an exaggerated reaction from them. 

However, is there a way to resolve conflicts in such relationships in a healthy, constructive way? There are some things you can try doing when attempting to peacefully resolve a conflict with your HC partner:

  • Try to remain calm and not engage in any emotional confrontations with your partner. Reacting emotionally will make your partner probably do the same.The calmer you are, the more likely your partner will calm down as well. 
  • High conflict people often blame others, so you try not to apologize while remaining respectful and calm. Your high conflict partner could take the “admission of guilt” as the necessary sign to reaffirm their opinion of you being at fault without assuaging their anger. 
  • Being as brief as possible during your arguments with your high conflict partner may help. HCPs have the tendency to cling to words, and choosing your words and speaking briefly could help get your point across better.
  • Try to understand your partner’s personality and stop blaming yourself for the potential faults in the relationship. 
  • Finally, if you notice that you are not making progress in reaching your partner and communicating your opinions and feelings, reach out to a relationship coach who can help you resolve your difficulties. 

Tired Of Constant Conflicts? Join PIVOT & Try Healthy Relationship Workshop Activities 

How Can You Tell If Someone Is A High Conflict Person

Experiencing conflict in a relationship can cause you to become avoidant and to become afraid of openly speaking your mind with your partner, all in the hopes of staying as far away from potential conflict as possible. As difficult as it may be to actually face your partner and relationship problems, it might prove to be more helpful than sweeping your problems under the rug. Because they won’t just go away. 

However, sometimes even your best attempts at dealing with your partner’s high conflict personality seem to be fruitless. You may find yourself in a situation where it looks like there is nothing more you can do. Or may simply be too tired of constant conflicts and blame to even begin trying.

That is why we have founded PIVOT – to give you and your partner the help you need when you don’t see a way forward. Our relationship retreat workshops can help your partner and you learn how to function better, while your partner could learn how to deal with their high conflict personality at our individual coaching sessions. Our experienced advocates will help guide you through our process of resolving relationship problems. Reach out to us today and let’s start healing together. 

Conflict Avoidance In Relationships: How To Break The Cycle

Are you afraid that confronting your partner would harm your relationship? You’re not alone. 

Conflict avoidance is one of the most common intimacy problems a couple is likely to face in a relationship. This is because withdrawing and distancing yourself from conflict to protect your relationship can often make sense. Why subject yourself to distress? Why upset your partner and rock the boat when you can continue your day without unnecessary fights? 

Does conflict avoidance actually protect your relationship? Well, the short and the long answer is no. On the contrary, conflict avoidance patterns can erode your relationship’s foundation. They can erode trust, make your partner feel unsafe, and cause you to harbor resentment in a way that may make you feel unheard in the long run. Avoiding conflicts can mean starting a war inside yourself, with no one else to fight but you. 

If you’ve noticed a pattern of conflict avoidance in yourself or your partner, this article may give you the answers and guidance you seek. You’ll find out why you have a tendency to shy away from confrontation, how this can impact your relationship, and what you can do to break the pattern. 

What Is Conflict Avoidance Behavior?

How Does Avoiding Conflict Affect Relationships

In a way, conflict avoidance can be seen as a kind of people-pleasing behavior. It often has roots in a deep fear of upsetting other people and witnessing their negative reactions. This fear may happen if a child grows up in a family environment that is hypercritical, dismissive, or abusive. Such a child might grow up to expect negative outcomes from conflict. This can cause them to withdraw from confrontation in their adult lives for fear of the same dismissive or critical reactions they were exposed to in their family environment. 

If this sounds like you, then you may find speaking your mind and asserting yourself to be unnerving, scary, or extremely stressful. You may change the subject every time your partner brings up a contentious topic. You might endure highly uncomfortable situations because you don’t want to speak up and rock the boat. Maintaining the status quo is what you know, it’s where you feel safe. 

Some other examples of conflict avoidance may include: 

  • Denying the existence of an issue, stonewalling 
  • Extreme fear of disappointing other people 
  • Sidestepping uncomfortable conversations 
  • Harboring resentment over unresolved problems 

Why Do I Struggle With Confrontation?

How parents and caregivers react when a child expresses their thoughts and feelings can have a great impact on the child’s wellbeing. If a child is controlled, engulfed, or dismissed in their family environment, they may develop conflict avoidant and secretive behaviors and thoughts in order to maintain a sense of safety and security. 

This is part of avoidant relationship attachment. If you have a tendency to attach in your relationships by avoiding confrontation and connection, or are prone to secrets, you may have some avoidant tendencies you learned in childhood. 

Your wounded inner child or teenager who remembers the past painful outcomes of confrontation all too vividly may cause you to resort to your learned survival patterns whenever you experience conflict in adulthood. It is a way to maintain a sense of safety. To avoid hurting yourself. 

The exact nature of these patterns will depend on your unique circumstances. Withdrawing and shying away from confrontation is a common one. Some people may also vehemently protest whenever things don’t go their way or resort to blaming other people to avoid responsibility for their actions. 

How Does Avoiding Conflict Affect Relationships?

If you learned to be conflict avoidant as a child, you may find yourself losing your own voice quickly in your relationships. You may keep quiet, however hurt you may be. Or you may convince yourself that you’re not hurt at all. 

When you keep hiding your feelings and sweeping problems under the rug, you won’t actually make them go away. Not really. They may actually come back stronger, when you least want them to. You may also subconsciously direct the negative and painful feelings to your partner, blaming them for your inability to speak up and nurture intimacy. Or you may direct them inwardly and begin to hate yourself for your perceived weaknesses. 

Ultimately, avoiding conflict can hinder healthy relationship growth. It can prevent you from finding satisfaction in your relationship and developing intimacy. A conflict avoidant relationship is not a fertile environment for trust to grow. 

How Do I Stop Being Scared Of Conflict?

If you feel like your fear of conflict is holding you back from nurturing healthy relationships, don’t despair. There are some steps you can take to heal your childhood wounds and overcome your fearful-avoidant tendencies. 

  • Evaluate your survival patterns. What experiences from your past may have led to your conflict avoidance? What are you trying to escape when you shy away from confrontation? Becoming aware of your core survival patterns is the first step towards changing them. 
  • Think about the effects of hiding emotions. Try and identify the negative ways that avoiding confrontation can affect your relationship. This can motivate you to speak up and work on developing healthier conflict behaviors. 
  • Think about how healthy conflict can benefit you. Discussing your thoughts and feelings openly with your partner can actually create a stronger bond between you two. You may also find it easier to stand up for yourself in other situations, whether social or professional. 
  • Reconsider any assumptions you may have about conflict. Fear of conflict can be incredibly deeply rooted, so this step can be hard. Try to remind yourself that confrontation won’t necessarily result in pain and distress. And the more you practice healthy conflict, the less afraid you’re likely to be next time.  
  • Take one step at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and overcoming your learned survival patterns is unlikely to be a quick process, either. Take it slow and work on one problem at a time. 
  • Practice staying calm. Honest and fair communication relies on patience, calmness, and “I” statements. Instead of casting blame, try to keep your cool and give your perspective calmly. The idea is to become more assertive, not aggressive. 

Learn Healthy Conflict Through Relationship Intimacy Coaching

Why Do I Struggle With Confrontation

Individuals with secure attachment are able to experience conflict, sit with their feelings, and express them in a calm, healthy way. If your childhood circumstances have led to avoidant or anxious behavior in your adulthood, you may find it extremely painful to take the first step and re-learn healthy patterns. 

At PIVOT, we are committed to helping individuals who feel betrayed, hurt, unheard, or wounded. Our relationship retreats can help you find your strength, build secure attachment, speak your truth, and take healthy action. Explore our compassion-based coaching modules now and start healing. 

Anxious Avoidant Relationships: The Co-Addictive Tango

The attachment we establish in the early years of our childhood can have a massive impact on our adult relationships. Some people, on the one hand, get overwhelmed with the wants and needs of others, which might prompt them to run away. Others may crave connection, but harbor a fear of abandonment and causes them to cling on. 

These two descriptions refer to people with avoidant and anxious attachment styles, respectively. Unfortunately, avoidant and anxious individuals often find themselves attracted to each other, which may lead to a whole range of unhealthy patterns in their relationships. 

Sounds familiar? Don’t worry. While you may experience powerful feelings that are hard to manage or tolerate, there are ways to build healthier boundaries and patterns in your relationships. For one, you may attend a love avoidance intensive workshop, or work on uncovering and healing your core wound yourself. 

We understand how confusing, painful, and damaging the co-addictive tango between an anxious and avoidant partner can be. Luckily, with self awareness and adequate support, you can heal your attachment wound. Read on. 

What Is An Anxious Avoidant Relationship?

Why Do Anxious And Avoidant Partners Find It Hard To Leave One Another

Whereas a person with a secure attachment would be able to comfortably depend on others, it isn’t so easy for anxious and avoidant people. Because of this, a relationship between an avoidant and anxious person can be riddled with difficulties. 

If you’re unsure if you have an insecure attachment, ask yourself this:

Do you have an unmet longing for connection?

Are you able to be alone, without falling into despair when your partner isn’t around? 

Do you feel a loss of self when someone else gets too close?

 Like your partner expects too much from you and takes too much of your time? 

Insecure attachment can take numerous forms. It generally tends to involve negative relationship expectations, loss of control, and intense reactions to rejection and conflict. 

Why Do Anxious And Avoidant Partners Find It Hard To Leave One Another?

Imagine this scenario: a man meets a woman who seems mysterious and independent. She seems hard to get, doesn’t open up easily, and shows affection at all the right moments. The man, who had negative experiences with women in the past, is drawn to her, almost compulsively. It seems to him that she has everything he’s looking for, but he needs to work hard to gain her affection and approval. 

Such a relationship may work well for a while. It may be passionate, exciting, almost dangerous. As the man continues to pursue the woman months or even years after the relationship started, he may grow increasingly anxious. He might become needy, invasive, or desperate. On the other hand, the woman may withdraw even further, trying to find ways to escape the clutches of the relationship. She may lash out or avoid conflict altogether. She may seek escape in other people or activities and develop secretive behaviors. 

While it is fairly easy to see how damaging this relationship pattern can be from the outside, it is much harder to identify and break off an unhealthy relationship when you are in it. There is a reason why anxious and avoidant people are attracted to each other. 

The behaviors of the avoidant partner, however damaging, reflect the learned patterns an anxious individual was exposed to in their family environment and past experiences, and vice versa. It is a vicious cycle, one that relies on the core wounds of each partner to keep on going. 

Can Avoidants Have Successful Relationships?

If you have avoidant tendencies or have a partner who does, it is likely the case that you struggle to find ways to make the relationship work. If you feel engulfed and overwhelmed by your partner’s needs, you may find it hard to trust and respect your partner. You may find that your fantasies involve secrecy, a new life away from your present reality. 

True intimacy may seem threatening to you. Another possibility is that you struggle with speaking your mind and harbor resentment deep inside, blaming your partner for the shortcomings of your relationship. 

Your current reality doesn’t have to be painful. While it may be best to end a relationship you’re presently in, you might also be able to make it work, with patience and support. By making peace with your inner child and working on abandoning unhealthy patterns, you’ll learn to find satisfaction, calmness, and security in your relationship. 

Can A Relationship Between An Anxious And Avoidant Work?

As already mentioned, it is possible to rebuild your relationship if there’s enough motivation and will. Unfortunately, some learned survival patterns may be so deeply ingrained that the process of ‘unlearning’ them might take years. 

Still, by choosing to ignore your problems and pain, you will only allow the cycle to continue and hurt yourself more in the process. Here are some guidelines you can follow to improve your relationship with an anxious or avoidant partner: 

  • Take your time and work on one problem at a time. 
  • Understand how your experiences shaped your attachment style. 
  • Work on being vulnerable and learn healthy conflict.
  • Learn to create healthy boundaries.
  • Be willing to both listen to your partner and share your thoughts. 
  • Seek support from professional relationship coaches. 

Find Security in PIVOT Love Avoidance Coaching

Can Avoidants Have Successful Relationships

Whether you have experienced betrayal in your relationship or feel like you open up to your partner out of fear of being hurt again, know that you’re not alone. At PIVOT, we have developed a variety of coaching modules designed to help you and numerous others find the motivation and support to create healthier relationship patterns. 

We have a range of workshops and retreats for couples and individuals, all based on compassion and experience. With our carefully designed curriculum, known as the PIVOT process, you can learn to evaluate your thoughts and feelings and take appropriate action to improve your relationships. Contact us today and start working on facilitating positive change by going through the PIVOT process. 

What Is Trauma Bonding And How Does It Happen?

Have you ever seen a friend or a family member struggle in a relationship and wondered why they still chose to stay? Did it seem unreasonable? It tends to be much easier to detect an abusive relationship from the outside. What happens when you’re the one experiencing abuse in a relationship? Why is it so difficult to leave, despite all the red flags that may be so obvious to people around you? 

A part of the answer to this question has to do with trauma bonding. This common pattern occurs when an individual develops an unhealthy attachment to an abusive partner. Trauma bonding is also often tied to codependency, an excessive reliance on a partner who is narcissistic, or suffers from an addiction or illness. 

If you have experienced trauma bonding in your relationship, you may be unaware of the many ways it can impact your emotional wellbeing. In this article, we will explore how trauma bonding occurs, whether it can become healthy, and how it can be released with appropriate intensive coaching. Read on to find out how to stop it in its tracks. 

What Is Trauma Bonding In A Relationship?

How Does Trauma Bonding Happen

Trauma bonding can happen when a partner repeatedly abuses another person, yet fuels their need for love and validation. You are most likely to experience trauma bonding in a romantic relationship, It is also possible for this pattern to occur in your professional life or your family. 

While other aspects of an abusive relationship can often be easily detected, this is not the case with trauma bonding. One reason for this is the persistent emotional manipulation done by the abuser. Through gaslighting, love bombing, and numerous other manipulation tactics, the abuser may convince you that their harmful behaviors are normal. 

As a trauma bond forms, you may feel like you need more and more validation from your partner, develop a sense of loyalty, or rationalize their behaviors. This gives the abusive partner more power, enabling them to continue the manipulation. 

Signs Of Trauma Bonding 

Unfortunately, it may take months or even years for you to realize that you are in an abusive relationship in which a trauma bond has formed. You may be aware of the hurt and confusion, but unable to distinguish between true reality and the one created by your partner. To help you avoid or break this dangerous pattern, here are some common signs of trauma bonding: 

  • Defending and justifying the abuse 
  • Agreeing with the reasons for the abuse 
  • Arguing with close family members and friends who are trying to help 
  • Distancing from family members and friends 
  • Being hostile or defensive when someone tries to intervene 
  • Not being able to break the trauma bond despite seeing the signs 
  • Maintaining the sense of loyalty and love toward the abuser even after leaving 

To illustrate the point further, a person in a trauma bond may say: 

  • “I don’t plan on leaving her. I’ve never been more in love. You’re just envious.” 
  • “He is treating me this way because he’s obsessed with me. He just loves me too much, I know you don’t understand.” 
  • “I just can’t stop being dumb and making him angry… It is all my fault, I’m so stupid.” 

How Does Trauma Bonding Happen?

Abuse reinforcement is at the core of trauma bonding. The manipulative partner may alternate abuse with highly positive experiences, especially at the start of the relationship (known as love bombing). Once the trauma bond starts to develop, it gets strengthened over time, as the manipulation continues. As time passes, you may find it more and more difficult to detect the signs of abuse, as the abuser may isolate you from your close friends and family and ‘train’ you in a way, to stay in the relationship. 

Even if you are aware of the toxic behaviors, you may be so conditioned to keep forgiving your partner that leaving becomes near impossible. You may feel stuck, confused, and incredibly lonely, all without support. 

Can A Trauma Bond Become Healthy?

Since trauma bonding can cause the abused person to deny toxic behaviors, they may maintain hope that the relationship can be saved. For example, you may think that your partner will love you more if you become ‘better’. They may change their ways with your love and support. Unfortunately, transforming a trauma bond into a healthy attachment rarely happens, although it is possible to stop one from forming before it’s too late.  

If you know that you are in a toxic relationship, seek help. It may seem difficult, even impossible. However hard it may seem, it is possible to break the bond and manage the symptoms of trauma with appropriate support. 

How Do You Release A Trauma Bond?

Releasing a trauma bond can be a difficult, time-consuming process, but it’s entirely possible. You can try: 

  1. Focusing on the present moment:

    If you keep hoping that your partner will change and keep remembering the good old times, you may find it increasingly difficult to leave the relationship. Try to focus on attention on what is happening right now and reflect on it. 

  2. Notice negative self-talk:

    Do you often catch yourself thinking or saying how weak, stupid, or unlovable you are? This is known as negative self-talk. It can reduce your self-esteem and increase your dependence on your partner. Try to notice it and replace it with more positive alternatives. 

  3. Practice self-care:

    Learning to love and care for yourself can help reduce stress and give you more confidence. This may include meditation, physical exercise, journaling, hobbies, and talking to trusted friends.

  4. Learn more about toxic relationships:

    If possible, try to learn about the different signs of abuse and unhealthy behaviors in order to prevent them from happening or escalating. Also, explore what healthy relationships tend to look like.

  5. Seek professional help:

    You don’t have to endure the pain of a trauma bond on your own. Experienced coaches can help you gain a new perspective on your relationship and find ways to figure out your problems. 

Attend A Codependency Retreat And Find Relief 

How Do You Release A Trauma Bond

Speaking with a compassionate relationship coach, whether online or in person, can help you manage the difficult emotions involved in trauma bonding. At PIVOT, we specialize in helping individuals like you break apart from unhealthy relationship dynamics. It is natural to seek love and validation, and we are here to help you gain insight into your feelings and thoughts.

Explore our carefully crafted workshops for couples and individuals and learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way, express yourself without fear, and treat yourself with love. Contact us now. 

Reparenting Your Inner Child: What Is It All About?

You’ve probably encountered the phrase “inner child” thrown around on the internet or your social circle. And there is a good reason for that. While the concept may seem cliché, it is a simple, yet useful idea to understand and discuss. Most people carry scars from their childhoods, and the child within them remains needy, just like any other child. This child is vulnerable, damaged, and unable to meet its own needs. 

While understanding the concept of the inner child is not too difficult, healing your inner child can be a particularly long and strenuous process. Still, however difficult, getting in touch with your inner child can help you modify unhealthy patterns in your relationships, such as conflict avoidance, neediness, and other issues stemming from your attachment style. 

A remote relationship coach can help you a great deal if you would like to better understand and care for your inner child, as they can provide professional guidance and insight that keeps your unique circumstances in mind. In the meantime, keep on reading to learn more about the concept of the inner child and how you can use it to heal your emotional wounds. 

What Is The Inner Child Theory?

Of course, having an inner child doesn’t mean that there’s a kid living inside you. It also doesn’t mean that you only think and believe childishly. What it does mean is that your unconscious mind has a childlike aspect. This childlikeness can spring up when you face a challenge in your adult life, acting as a ‘subpersonality’. 

This inner child essentially reflects the child you once were. Your unmet needs, longings, and suppressed emotions, along with your childlike creativity, joy and innocence are still present within you. 

The concept of the inner child is often attributed to Carl Jung. His ‘child archetype’ is an important part of the individuation process, the development and integration of the different parts of the self into a healthy, functioning whole. According to Jung, the child archetype can help us reconnect with the past and recollect our childhood experiences and emotions, both positive and negative. It can also help you mature and find a way to work toward a better future for yourself. 

How Do I Know If My Inner Child Is Wounded?

You, just like any other child, wanted to be cared for and loved. So if you received affection from your parents, caregivers, and relatives only when you were “good”, your inner child may be angry, sad, or rebellious. On the flip side, if you experienced any form of abuse or trauma in your younger years, you might have developed strategies to hide your vulnerability and pain as a survival pattern. 

Your inner child may also cling to the things you were taught to believe about yourself and others. If you have an inner voice telling you to keep your true thoughts to yourself, that you are not good or smart enough, or that all things sexual are somehow ‘evil’ or ‘dirty’, that may be your inner child speaking up. 

Here are some other signs that your inner child may be wounded: 

What Does Reparenting Yourself Mean?

How Do I Know If My Inner Child Is Wounded

Children don’t depend on their parents and caregivers only for their basic needs. Your parents also teach you how to understand, express, and manage your emotions, how to set boundaries, soothe yourself, and show compassion. If you were deprived of unconditional love and healthy relationship models in your childhood, it is very likely that you struggle with your emotions and behaviors in your adulthood. 

With this in mind, reparenting yourself means giving yourself the emotional support you didn’t receive in childhood. You may think that social and emotional skills are innate. That you’re somehow missing what others seem to have or know. But remember, these are only learned behaviors. And it is not too late to start learning and giving yourself the care and attention you deserve. This is precisely what reparenting yourself is all about – learning to meet your own needs and support yourself with love and compassion. 

How Do I Reparent My Inner Child?

There are numerous ways in which you can get in touch with your inner child and reparent yourself. Here are some useful tips: 

  1. Acknowledge that your inner child exists.

    You can only begin to heal once you’ve recognized that your inner child is there and that it may be wounded. Try to remember painful experiences, those that keep popping up in your mind to this day. Uncovering these hurts can help you better understand their effect on your adult self. 

  2. Listen to your inner child and open your mind to what it has to say.

    Getting in touch with your inner child can bring up difficult emotions, including sadness, anger, shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety. Try to trace these back to specific experiences in your childhood and see where they are coming from. 

  3. Write a letter to your inner child.

    It may seem silly, but writing to your inner child from your adult perspective can be of great help in soothing your pain. For example, you may have wondered why your sister treated you the way she did when you were little and now you think you have the answer. Your inner child may benefit from hearing it. 

  4. Try journaling and meditation.

    These activities can bring you numerous benefits, both for your physical and emotional health. They can boost self-awareness, open your mind, and work through painful experiences.

  5. Get in touch with your playful side.

    Playfulness and relaxation are a key part of emotional health. Every day, you may worry about your work, your social life, and other adult responsibilities. Bringing back the lightheartedness and joys of childhood can help you rekindle many positive emotions.

  6. Understand that reparenting is an open-ended process.

    Your healing journey doesn’t have to have a definite, clear ending. It is a continuous process. You may learn something new from your inner child if you keep listening, giving it compassion and love, and working on healing your wounds. 

  7. Speak to a relationship coach.

    Reparenting yourself can be hard. This is why it is a good idea to speak with a compassionate and knowledgeable specialist who can help you on your healing journey with guidance and insight.

Heal Your Inner Child With The Help Of Codependency Recovery Coaching 

What Does Reparenting Yourself Mean

There are many ways in which your wounded inner child can affect your adult life. You may have an exceedingly hard time dealing with betrayal. Or you might develop anxious or avoidant tendencies in your relationships. If you feel stuck, vulnerable, ashamed, or hurt in any way, finding appropriate support can be life changing. At PIVOT, we offer compassion-based relationship coaching for individuals struggling with childhood wounds and unhealthy attachment patterns. We can also help you heal through carefully designed workshops that target the emotions and behaviors that prevent you from living your life with joy and contentment. Reach out now and start your healing journey the right way.