Day: October 13, 2023

One of the most beautiful, most commendable traits we humans, as a species, possess is our innate desire to assist and support others. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a colleague, an astounding number of us will find it within our hearts to extend a helping hand to a fellow human being in need.

The amazing thing is that, whether we’re helping emotionally, practically, or physically – it doesn’t matter. If we’re doing it from the bottom of our hearts, genuinely investing ourselves into bettering someone else – the mere gesture is enough to make all the difference in the world.

However, despite all the potential this ability of ours possesses, sometimes it gets misfocused, turning from empowering to enabling. When that happens, instead of it being a catalyst for improvement, it becomes an anchor dragging everyone involved to the depths of stagnation, stunted growth, and self-destruction.

For this reason, it’s imperative to understand the fine line that separates these three, seemingly same concepts: empowering, helping, and enabling.

What Is Empowerment?

In recent years, empowerment has gained considerable popularity and traction, both as a term and “philosophy”. However, its definition remains vague, due to the fact that every person interprets it differently, typically based on individual viewpoints and experiences.

The idea of empowerment, on the other hand, encompasses everything that gives the individual tools, knowledge, confidence, affirmation, or a number of other “resources” that they need to become masters of their own lives, in virtually every conceivable way.

As such, we can safely deduce that empowerment goes beyond merely offering or receiving assistance. Rather, it’s the means of fostering self-reliance, self-respect, independence, individuality, and personal growth.

What Is The Difference Between Empowerment And Enabling?

At the first glance, enable vs. empower may not seem like a contest yet, rather, as a mirror match. This is understandable if we consider two facts:

• Both stem from the same intentions;
• Both involve providing assistance to others.

However, there are some critical and not-so-subtle differences between the two.

Enable vs. Empower: A Side-By-Side Comparison

The distinction between enabling and empowering becomes evident only when we reflect on the outcome of each respective approach:

Independence vs. Dependence

• Empowerment fosters independence and self-reliance. It means giving an individual the tools (e.g. skills, knowledge) they need to stand on their own two feet.
• Enabling often leads to dependence, where a person learns to rely on external support, rather than developing their life-handling capabilities.

Short-Term vs. Long-Term Goals

• Empowerment is long-term-focused, as it equips individuals with the skills and mindset necessary for ongoing, sustained success;
• Enabling addresses immediate, short-term needs, without considering or even blatantly ignoring the bigger picture.

Accountability vs. Unaccountability

• Empowerment teaches responsibility by encouraging individuals to own up to their actions and decisions, driving them to grow by learning from past experiences, good or bad;
• Enabling shields individuals from the consequences of their own actions. However, in doing so, it also “protects” them from facing challenges and difficulties that amount to valuable life lessons essential for personal growth.

Autonomy vs. “Malleability”

• Empowerment respects a person’s autonomy, choices, and boundaries, even if they don’t align with the helper’s opinions;
• Enabling often involves imposing the helper’s will on the recipient, further deepening the (co)dependent patterns.

What Is The Difference Between Being Supportive And Enabling?

Same as empowering and enabling, helping and enabling are not synonymous with each other. Much like empowerment, being supportive entails giving someone the means of making their situation better.

This can involve standing by them in their time of need, providing compassionate and mindful assistance, encouraging them to face challenges, and cheering them on as they push through difficulties.

As such, supporting someone means inspiring and motivating them to make a positive change in their lives on their own, thereby augmenting their innate potential for personal growth and development.

Enabling, on the other hand, is the exact polar opposite. As mentioned, enablers tend to shield a person from consequences, challenges, and difficulties that they need to overcome, even though said individuals possess the capacity to do so on their own.

Although well-intentioned, this approach can effectively take away the recipient’s agency, rendering them passive, unaware, or indifferent to the possibility of taking transformative action, inadvertently hindering their personal growth.

What Can You Say To Empower Someone?

Learning how to support without enabling is one of, if not the most powerful tool in your empowerment arsenal. Even so, the question remains: What to say to empower someone, without jeopardizing their agency or potential?

Well, therein lies the beauty of empowerment: sometimes, you don’t have to say a word! Sometimes, all it takes is to actively listen to what the other person has to say, doing your best to understand their needs, aspirations, and concerns without judgment.

Of course, you’ll inevitably come across situations where verbal responses will be requested or required. However, since every person is different and empowerment is subjective, there is no way (or point) in trying to find a “universal empowerment formula”.

What you can do is coin your responses and approach based on everything you’d learned up until now. To empower and not enable, you need to try to:

• Provide relevant information and/or resources that will help the person make informed decisions;
• Prompt self-reflection by asking meaningful, open-ended questions that will encourage the person to explore their feelings, thoughts, and attitudes;
• Offer words of encouragement and affirmation in order to boost their confidence and help them recognize their own strengths and capabilities;
• Respect their autonomy, choices, and opinions, even if they drastically differ from your own;
• Encourage them to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions, and to learn from resulting experiences;

Finally, be there for them to provide emotional support and guidance, but avoid trying to control their decisions or impose your opinions. Instead, offer unbiased assistance in analyzing past experiences and situations, allowing them to derive their own conclusions.

By following these guidelines, you’ll actively challenge a person to become a better version of themselves, effectively catalyzing a change for the better. And the best thing about it is that you’ll grow as an individual, too, along the way.

Reach Out To PIVOT And Learn How To Support Without Enabling

Looking for an effective way to break free from the cycle of enabling and finally stop feeling stuck and overwhelmed by negative patterns in your relationships? Look no further, for PIVOT is here to help you discover the might of empowerment and guide you on your journey to personal development.

In the tranquil environment of our Glass House Retreat, you’ll embark on a profound exploration of self-awareness and self-validation that will give you a new perspective on life, empowering you to create harmonious relationships that you’ve dreamed of.Our passionate team of experienced personal coaches stands ready to help you uncover your true potential and give you the tools to empower yourself and your loved ones. Reach out to us today and become the true force of positivity!

Taking on different roles is an integral part of human nature. We do it in every aspect of our lives, whether it be professional or personal. Relationships are no exception to this “rule” either, as individuals forming a deeper connection will naturally put on different faces, typically based on their strengths and mental capabilities.

Some of us are Adventurers, bringing spontaneity, excitement, and a healthy dose of chaos to our relationships. Others may be Planners, taking charge of organizing and structuring various activities and responsibilities.

Some are Problem Solvers, prioritizing staying down-to-earth, finding constructive and mutually beneficial solutions to everyday problems. Nurturers, on the other hand, will excel in taking care of both parties’ emotional well-being by creating a soothing and loving atmosphere.

Regardless of the role(s) we take, the part we play serves the ultimate purpose of bringing balance to the force of our connection, both by compensating for our partners’ shortcomings and promoting their strengths.

However, what happens when the balance is broken and the scales tip heavily to the side? When one person keeps allowing their counterpart to take no responsibility for their actions, thereby perpetuating detrimental and, even, destructive behaviors?

This is the very definition of enabling – a harmful and toxic dynamic that stifles personal growth, fosters dependency, and hinders virtually any possibility of progress, both for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole. Fortunately, this vicious cycle can be broken and, today, we’ll explore just what it takes to do so.

What Is The Psychology Behind Enabling?

Understanding the nature and nuances of an enabler personality is a crucial step to learning how to stop enabling. Doing so requires us to go back to basics in order to grasp the psychological foundation of this behavior.

By definition, enabling stems from a combination of empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help someone we care about. Now, these are by no means negative traits. In fact, they are desirable and necessary for every relationship to thrive.

The problem, however, arises when said traits are brought to the one-sided extreme, which typically happens when they become fuelled by the following underlying factors:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment;
• Low self-esteem;
• Conflict-avoidant patterns;
• Sense of self-worth dependent on external validation;
• Guilt or anxiety (typically related to taking care of one’s own needs);
• Exaggerated caregiving/people-pleasing mindset.

Connecting The Dots

Taking the aforementioned factors into account, we can draw a clear parallel between enabling and another harmful relationship dynamic: codependency. These two behavior patterns are intricately linked and often go hand-in-hand, due to both of them revolving around an excessive reliance on another person’s needs and well-being to the detriment of one’s own. 

Aside from the enmeshment, both dynamics are also characterized by a tendency to:

• Avoid conflict at any and all costs;
• Shield the other person from consequences;
• Justify, minimize, or outright deny the existence of issues.

However, what this does is perpetuate destructive patterns of behavior, thereby preventing both parties from experiencing personal growth and self-sufficiency, even to the point of complete stagnation and, in most extreme cases, regression in the field of personal development.

As such, “reprogramming” enabling personality traits in order to break this vicious cycle often requires addressing codependent traits simultaneously. Doing so typically requires a lot of effort and introspection, yet it is far from impossible.

What Is The Cycle Of Enabling?

We mentioned the “cycle of enabling” several times already. Now that we understand the root and causes behind the issue, we can explain what it actually refers to:

• The Cycle of Enabling is a repetitive pattern of behavior in which an individual (enabler) consistently shields or rescues another person (enabled) from the consequences of their own destructive actions, perpetuating unhealthy dependency within a relationship.

The Cycle of Enabling: Stages

The Cycle typically consists of several key stages:

1. Denial: The first stage is characterized by the enabler downplaying or ignoring the existence of the problem. This can mean rationalizing or making excuses for the actions of their counterpart to avoid acknowledging the problem.
2. Minimization: The enabler downplays the consequences of the loved one’s actions. They might genuinely believe that the situation is not as bad as it appears or that it will improve on its own.
3. Rationalization: At this point, enablers may begin to justify the behavior of their partner. However, in doing so, they’re also effectively convincing themselves that they are helping, that their support is essential, or that they are the only ones who understand what’s happening in their partner’s world.
4. Rescuing: As the situation deteriorates, the enabler usually performs a desperate attempt to solve the problem and/or shield their loved one from the consequences of their own actions, which typically leads to deepening the (co)dependency.
5. Repetition: The cycle starts anew.

We can conclude that each cycle has a tendency to become more severe than the previous one. Due to the fact that the situation already escalated in one of the previous phases (typically Stage 4), the enabler may become more deeply entrenched in their role with each passing iteration.

How Do You Break The Cycle Of Enabling?

With the knowledge of how The Cycle works, as well as a deeper understanding of the factors that influence the formation of the enabler personality, we can extrapolate the ways to stop enabling in relationships:

• Recognize your role as an enabler: Reflecting on your own fears, insecurities, and motivations will help you understand why you enable. This may seem like a small step, but it is a giant leap toward change.
• Set boundaries: Determine your limits and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Clearly communicate these expectations to your partner and, most importantly, stand firm in upholding them, even if you encounter resistance.
• Encourage accountability: Instead of making excuses, justifying the behavior, or swooping in to rescue your loved one, encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.
• Enforce accountability: Let the person you’re enabling face the consequences. Difficult as this may be to do, it can just be the wake-up call and a catalyst for a change.
• Seek professional help: If your situation is particularly complex or volatile, it is best to seek professional help. Coaching, therapy, and counseling can help you break the cycle of enabling and lead your partner down the road of changing their destructive habits.

Understand How To Stop Being An Enabler With PIVOT’s Help

You don’t have to remain trapped in the cycle of enabling, desperately seeking a way out. The solution is readily available and all you have to do to seize it is reach out to PIVOT.

We specialize in coaching individuals, couples, and groups to stop enabling behaviors, rediscover the power of healthy relationships, and foster more meaningful connections. Our experienced team of compassionate professionals will walk with you every step of the way, providing the guidance and support necessary for you to heal.

All workshops and sessions take place in the tranquil setting of our Glass House Retreat, where you can find solace and strength while undertaking a journey of self-discovery and growth away from the distractions of everyday life.

Don’t let an enabler personality dictate your life any longer. Join us today and rediscover the joy of healthy, nurturing, and fulfilling relationships that you know you deserve!

If we were to explore the meaning of “enabler” or “enabling” from a purely semantic perspective, we can see that it means “to make it possible for someone to do something”. Modern psychology narrows this definition down even further as “making it (directly or indirectly) possible for someone to continue engaging in an unhealthy behavior”.

Initially, enabling was closely related to the families of individuals suffering from some form of Substance Use Disorder (SUD), such as drug or alcohol addiction. Within these circles, there’s a noticeable pattern, where family members (or other individuals close to the addicted person) try to justify, excuse, or even blatantly deny and ignore the existence of harmful behavior.

However, in recent years, it has become apparent that being an enabler is not exclusive to cases of SUD. Rather, it is applicable to interpersonal relationships as a whole, whether they be professional, academic, or romantic.

What Is Toxic Enabling?

In modern times, “toxic enabling” refers to behaviors or patterns that directly or indirectly perpetuate and sustain unhealthy actions within a relationship. It typically occurs when one person (“enabler”) actively or passively supports or, even, facilitates the destructive actions of another person (“enabled” or “toxic” individual).

As such, to enable someone means to proverbially add rocket fuel to their campfire, allowing destructive behavior to persist and flourish. At the same time, it stunts the personal growth of both individuals, trapping them in a vicious cycle of dysfunction and codependency, making it difficult to even ask for help, let alone set on the path to recovery.

What Is An Enabler In A Toxic Relationship?

In this context, an enabler is any person who takes on a supportive or protective role toward a toxic individual. This can be a friend, family member, romantic partner, or any other person from an enabled individual’s vicinity.

Being an enabler, an individual will often go to great lengths to justify the toxic person’s behavior, make excuses for their actions, and shield them from the consequences of their own decisions. However, in doing so, they’re inadvertently reinforcing the negative patterns that need changing.

One thing must be noted here. Enablers may not be aware of their enabling behavior. Their actions are seldom thought out and hardly ever malicious. Rather, they stem from strong emotions, such as love, fear, or a genuine desire to help and empower, but may also be a result of a (misplaced) sense of responsibility.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the enabled individual, the situation can turn into the complete polar opposite. A toxic person may (and often, does) turn their partner’s caretaking tendencies into a tool of manipulation, driving the enabler to even further commit to their misbegotten goal.

This can have profound and lasting negative effects on the enabling individual. As such, it is imperative to learn to recognize the signs and patterns that typically accompany the role of enabler in a relationship.

What Are The Signs Of Toxic Enabling?

Identifying enabling patterns is not easy, especially if you’re the one being the enabler. The cues of this behavior are subtle and not immediately apparent. However, if you know exactly what you’re looking for, they become more than obvious. Here’s what you need pay attention to: 

1. Rationalization: As we’ve mentioned, enablers will often try to justify, downplay, or make excuses for their partner’s harmful behavior, sometimes even blaming their actions on external factors;
2. Self-sacrifice: Putting a partner’s needs and desires above one’s own, even to the detriment of personal mental and physical well-being is a tell-tale sign of codependency, which can be considered one of the basis of enabling behaviors;
3. Self-neglect: To be able to enable someone else, a person usually must put their dreams, interests, hobbies, and goals on the back burner;
4. Conflict avoidance: Enablers often go to great lengths to avoid conflict or confrontation with their toxic counterpart. This may involve keeping secrets, excessive apologizing, walking on eggshells, and pretending that everything is peachy when, in reality, it is the exact opposite;
5. Caretaking: To an extent, an enabler may view their partner as “helpless”. This can cause them to take an enormous amount of responsibility for themselves and in virtually every aspect of their life and relationship;
6. Perpetuating dependency: By continually providing moral, emotional, financial, or any other form of support that allows for the continuation of destructive behavior, enablers foster further dependency in the toxic individual;

The Meaning Of Being An Enabler

From the aforementioned factors (or, rather, as their result), we can derive three more characteristics of enabling behavior:

1. Stagnant relationship: Points #1, 4, 5, and 6 show us that this type of relationship is nigh impossible to move from a dead point:
   • A toxic individual gets everything they need from the enabler, virtually without having to lift a finger or take on even a minor amount of responsibility;
   • Conflict resolution, which is one of the bases of a healthy relationship, is non-existent, since the enabler will go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
2. Stunted personal growth: From points #2, 3, 4, and 5, we can conclude that the enabler won’t move from a dead point either, much as their relationship, as all of their time and energy is spent caring for the toxic individual.
3. Perpetual turmoil: Finally, from everything mentioned up until now, it’s easy to see how being an enabler can negatively impact every aspect of a person’s well-being, including their physical, mental, and emotional health.

How Do You Deal With Toxic Enablers?

Breaking the cycle of dysfunction is no easy task, regardless of the type of dysfunction in question. However, you can initiate a positive change by:

• Practicing self-reflection & self-care;
• Seeking support, both from family and friends, as well as professionals;
• Encouraging the other person to seek professional help (especially if they’re struggling with addiction or a mental health issue).

In severe cases, breaking away from the relationship for a period of time is the only option to begin help. Difficult as it may be to grasp, sometimes the toxic person doesn’t want change or to change. If that is the case, the best (and only thing) you can do is prioritize your own well-being.

Turn To PIVOT & Learn How To Deal With Enabling In A Relationship

If you’ve recognized that you’re being an enabler in a relationship, or if you’ve noticed this harmful pattern in someone close to you, know that the solution is within reach. With PIVOT’s help, it is possible to learn to break free from this toxic behavior.

At our state-of-the-art Glass House Retreat, you’ll have access to a variety of workshops led by experienced and knowledgeable professionals who put your well-being first. Whether you decide on group or one-on-one coaching sessions, we’ll be here to provide compassionate guidance throughout your journey to recovery.

Are you ready to break harmful habits and open yourself up to the whole world of healthy relationships? Reach out to us today, apply for one of our tailored programs, and embrace the opportunity to grow in the best way possible!

Enabling behavior usually begins as a well-intentioned response to a loved one’s struggles, whether it’s emotional turmoil, addiction, or other personal challenges. So where does it all go wrong and what is the meaning of enabling someone? Covering up your partner’s mistakes, making excuses, or taking on their responsibilities when they’re having a hard time might seem like a sign of loyalty and supportive partnership. However, there’s a delicate balance between being supportive of your partner and/or loved one and inadvertently enabling negative and harmful actions.

Let’s begin by taking a look at the true meaning of “enabler,” as it’s crucial to unpacking the dynamics of a relationship where one individual is enabling another. Being an enabler means continuously and repeatedly letting your partner off the hook and, therefore, enabling them to keep engaging in negative or harmful behaviors without facing the consequences. This can manifest by covering up their mistakes, providing financial support for destructive habits to avoid conflicts, or taking on excessive responsibilities.

If this pattern of behavior becomes the norm in your relationship, it can adversely affect both the enabler and the enabled. The enabler usually becomes increasingly stressed, frustrated, and even develops feelings of resentment, while the enabled individual might not learn to face the consequences of their behavior and remain stuck in a cycle of dependency. 

Recognizing the signs of enabling behavior, as well as their different types and phases, can help you break free from this harmful dynamic and put both you and your partner on the road to recovery and personal growth.

What Are The Four Types Of Enabling?

All types or styles of enabling stem from compassion and care, yet inadvertently perpetuate harmful behaviors. Some of the most common patterns can help you recognize the behavior in your relationship and encourage you to take action to benefit it.

Some experts agree that there are four primary patterns or styles of enabling behavior:

• Caretaking. This involves taking on a nurturing role in a relationship and doing one’s best to meet the needs of the enabled person. In this case, enablers believe that by providing consistent care they can keep their partner/loved one from harm.
• Protective. Protective enablers act as shields, preventing their loved ones from facing the consequences of their actions. They often step in to spare them from discomfort or adversity, even if it means covering up mistakes or unlawful behavior.
• Rescuing. Rescuing enablers rush to the rescue whenever problems arise. They have a strong desire to prevent others from experiencing hardship or failure, so they intervene regularly.
• Overcompensating . Enablers who overcompensate tend to take on excessive responsibilities and tasks supposed to belong to the person they’re supporting. They feel compelled to make up for the other persons shortcomings, sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

What Are The Stages Of Enabling?

Not all experts agree about the exact stages of enabling. However, some of the most frequently cited ones can illustrate how enabling can evolve over time.

Stage 1: Denial

This is the initial stage of enabling and at this point, the enabler usually downplays or overlooks the harmful actions or behaviors of their loved one. They might tell themselves that it’s not as bad as it seems or that it’s just a temporary phase.

Stage 2: Compliance 

As enabling progresses, compliance becomes more evident. The enabler begins to actively support or accommodate their partner’s negative behaviors. They usually do this driven by desire to avoid conflict in the relationship.

Stage 3: Control

In the control stage, the enabler begins managing the consequences of their partner’s actions. They try to keep managing the situation, often by covering up mistakes or stepping in to resolve problems caused by their partner’s behavior.

Stage 4: Crisis 

This is when the consequences of enabling behavior become most apparent. The enabler is frequently in a state of constant stress and turmoil, trying to deal with a series of crises resulting from the continued negative actions of their loved one. It’s often at this point that they realize the damaging impact of their enabling actions.

The Other View

As opposed to this, some psychologists believe that there are only two stages or phases of enabling: 

• Innocent stage is mainly driven by ignorance. Enablers simply don’t know any better, they could still be confused, in denial, and diminishing negative consequences of their loved one’s behavior.
• Desperate stage of enabling is usually driven by fear. Enablers also might feel shame, not wanting to damage the enabled person’s reputation, so they’re prepared to undertake drastic measures to cover up their loved one’s behavior, concerned about its consequences.

What Is An Example Of Enabling In Relationships?

These examples underscore the different ways in which enabling behavior can impact romantic relationships by shielding one partner from the consequences of their actions or avoiding conflicts essential for growth and understanding. So, what is an enabler in a relationship? 

In romantic relationships, enabling is frequently intertwined with codependency, creating a complex dynamic that can be detrimental to both partners. While codependency refers to a relationship where one person excessively relies on the other for emotional support, validation, and a sense of identity, enabling protects the partner from facing the consequences of their negative actions.

These patterns frequently go hand in hand; like when a partner in a codependent relationship covers up for their significant other’s addiction issues. For example, if one partner in a codependent relationship discovers that their significant other has developed a severe alcohol or drug addiction, they might constantly make excuses for their loved one’s behavior, like calling in sick to work on their behalf or explaining their absence from family events.

While the intentions of the enabling partner might be rooted in love and concern, this only perpetuates the addiction by protecting the addicted partner from the repercussions of their actions and ultimately discouraging them from seeking the necessary help and rehabilitation. Codependency and enabling can reinforce the destructive patterns within relationships, highlighting the importance of recognizing and addressing these dynamics. 

The most common enabling acts include:

Covering Up Lies

In romantic relationships, one partner might consistently cover up lies or other deceitful actions committed by the enabled partner. They might also rationalize these actions to themselves or others, creating excuses to protect their partner from the consequences of dishonesty. This type of behavior can also erode trust within the relationship.

Financial Bailouts

This can involve regularly covering a partner’s debts, loans, or irresponsible spending. While this type of behavior might seem like a gesture of support, typical for many marriages, it ultimately perpetuates irresponsibility, as the enabled partner doesn’t face the full consequences of their actions.

Avoiding Conflict

One partner might go to great lengths to avoid any disagreements, constantly giving in to the other’s wishes. They will avoid important conversations to maintain the façade of harmony. This prevents healthy communication and discourages attempts to resolve the underlying issue in a more constructive way, hindering the personal growth of both partners and the stability of their relationship.

Learn How To How To Deal With Enabling In A Relationship With PIVOT 

If you’re struggling within the vicious cycle of enabling, PIVOT relationship coaches can help you break out of it by leading you toward open and honest conversation about the problem and helping you place focus back on yourself. This is the road to true self-discovery and the only way to achieve a sense of self-worth that will help you form and maintain meaningful relationships based on love.

Remember that you’re not alone in this – many people fight similar battles. Get the support you need through our intimate Glass House workshops, led by experienced coaches who can help you find your true self so the love you have for your partner can take on a healthier form: empowering instead of enabling.

Enabling behavior can sometimes be difficult to recognize. People typically think that they’re helping a loved one or protecting them from a serious consequences of their behavior. They might believe that if they keep the situation under control, they’ll be able to prevent serious harm to the people they love. However, in most cases, they’re actually doing them a great disservice by not clearing the path for self-improvement and self-sufficiency.

The definition of an enabler typically boils down to someone who inadvertently or knowingly facilitates harmful actions or behaviors toward a loved one that is disguised as “help.” Witnessing someone you deeply care about experiencing hardships or making poor choices can be challenging and painful for many individuals. On the other hand, out of a genuine desire to help and protect their partner, family member, or close friend from facing the consequences of their actions, they become entwined in one of the forms of enabling behavior.

What Are The Personality Traits Of An Enabler? 

Enabling behavior often goes hand in hand with specific personality traits and characteristics. It’s important to remember that enablers act out of love and concern, but these behaviors can ultimately be harmful. Learning to recognize and understand these traits and tendencies can be instrumental in identifying individuals who might be prone to establishing enabling relationships. 

These are some of the personality traits commonly associated with enablers:

• Compassion. Often driven by a deep sense of compassion, enablers want to help and protect loved ones from harm and go to great lengths to do so.
• Conflict avoidance. Some enablers tend to avoid conflict at all cost, fear confrontation, and believe that they can maintain peace and harmony by appeasing their loved ones.
• Low self-esteem. This is a frequent struggle for many enablers. They might feel that their worth is tied to their ability to support and protect others, and in time, this feeling becomes intertwined with their enabling behavior.
• Need for approval. Some enablers seek validation from their loved ones and go to great lengths to gain their approval.
• Guilt and obligation. These feelings are common among enablers. Some believe they’re responsible for their loved one’s well-being and feel guilty if they don’t help.
• Fear of abandonment. Enablers often fear their loved ones abandoning them if they don’t continue accommodating their needs. This fear drives them to maintain the status quo, even when they recognize the harm it causes.
• Difficulty with personal boundaries. Enablers struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. They might repeatedly allow their loved ones to overstep them, leading to a toxic cycle of enabling behavior.
• Overly responsible. Some Individuals tend to take on more than their fair share of responsibilities, including those that need to be taken care of by the person they enable. This type of excessive sense of responsibility frequently leads to burnout and exhaustion.
• Lack of self-care. Enablers often neglect their own well-being in favor of caring for their loved ones. This type of self-sacrifice can lead to physical and emotional strain.
• Prone to deny or rationalize a loved one’s negative behaviors and make excuses or justifications to maintain the belief that they are helping.

How Do You Know If You Are Enabling Someone? 

Enabling relationships often begin as an attempt to provide help and support to a struggling loved one. It can involve either direct or indirect support for their unhealthy behaviors. Frequently, these behaviors revolve around issues like alcohol or substance abuse, emotional manipulation tactics, engaging in unlawful actions, or even self-harm.

If you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for your loved one’s actions and emotions and devote considerable time and energy to covering up or concealing their shortcomings and mistakes, you’re probably enabling them to a certain extent. Particularly if you find yourself justifying these actions to yourself and others, feeling like the difficulties your loved one faces are unique.

You might feel your focus gradually shifting away from your own needs and personal well-being. Another telltale sign is fearing your loved one’s reaction if you confront them about their behavior, afraid they could withdraw their affection or approval if you stop covering for them.

In extreme cases, you might even find yourself running errands, completing chores, or doing their work, continuously depleting your energy and blaming them for consuming all your time and resources. Recognizing these signs and understanding the psychology behind enabling behavior is crucial for breaking this harmful cycle and beginning to work on fostering healthier relationships.

What Are The Signs Of Enabling Behavior?

Recognizing the most common signs of enabling behavior is the first step toward helping yourself and your loved one get started on a journey of personal growth and achieving healthier connections and relationships with others. Enabling can be quite subtle in some cases, which is why some people don’t even realize they’re doing it. While well-intentioned, enabling relationships can inadvertently perpetuate harm and hinder the development of everyone involved.

So, what does it mean to enable someone? Understanding these signs is vital to breaking free from the cycle of enabling and promoting positive change.

1. Ignoring or tolerating negative behaviors. Enablers often turn a blind eye or downplay certain harmful actions or behaviors, even when they are aware of them.
2. Providing financial assistance that enables harmful habits. Giving money or providing other resources that support destructive habits like substance abuse or excessive spending, for example.
3. Covering up mistakes or consequences. Enablers tend to intervene to shield the enabled person from facing the consequences of their actions, preventing them from learning from their mistakes.
4. Making excuses or justifications for the enabled person. Explaining or rationalizing the negative behaviors of their loved ones to protect them from criticism.
5. Taking on responsibilities of the enabled person. This involves assuming tasks or duties that the enabled person needs to handle themselves, usually out of a desire to ease their burden.
6. Not addressing the issue. Dodging conversations that address the underlying problems to maintain a façade of harmony.
7. No boundaries. Enablers often fail to establish and enforce personal boundaries, compromising their well-being in the long run.
8. Allowing personal happiness to be affected by the enabling relationship. Having one’s happiness and peace of mind depend on the behavior of the person they’re enabling.
9. Feeling resentment toward the enabled person. Gradually, over time, enablers might grow to resent the person they are helping as they begin to recognize the negative impact of their enabling actions.
10. Becoming stuck in a pattern of enabling. Enablers often find themselves trapped in a cycle of continued support without encouraging the enabled person to start taking responsibility or seek help for their actions.

Learn How To Manage An Enabling Relationship With PIVOT

Breaking the cycle of enabling often involves answering the question, “What does enabling mean?” and seeking expert support, learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and fostering open communication within relationships. PIVOT’s relationship advocates can help you steer the relationship in a more constructive direction and turn enabling into empowering. 

If you feel like you might benefit from the experiences of others dealing with similar issues, the peaceful environment of our Glass House retreat provides a perfect setting for guided workshops on self-improvement. By engaging in self-reflection and understanding your own behavior, you can work on improving relationships with others. This way, you can turn your care for someone into a truly loving and meaningful relationship.

This is one of those popular psychology terms that get tossed around lightly in conversations and media without much insight into the full spectrum of its meaning and the severity of repercussions this behavior can have. We might consider it simply the easy way to avoid an argument. Or we might not want to be the “nagging spouse” in a romantic relationship, particularly regarding stereotypes attached to women. Codependency and enabling are so closely related that at times it is hard to distinguish between the two.

So, what does enabling someone really mean? Is it pretending not to notice harmful behaviors to preserve peace and not shake things up in your relationships? What is the true meaning behind the title of  “enabler person” and its impact for those involved? Each of us might have different ideas come to mind based on our personal experiences with the people we’re in close relationships with. It could be our romantic partner, child, parents, or friends. 

We could also be on the other side of the enabling behavior and have someone quietly notice yet not mention our characteristics that are causing harm to them, others, or ourselves. Let’s forget about the guesswork, look into the true enabler definition, and answer the question of “What is an enabler?” exactly.

What Does It Mean If Someone Is An Enabler? 

Most of us have found ourselves in a situation to ignore or inadvertently support someone’s irresponsible or harmful actions out of fear that we might cause an uncomfortable situation or strain the relationship with the person in question. We might have, unknowingly or fully aware, played the role of an enabler. However, what is the definition of enabling?

A common definition of an enabler is someone who regularly allows a family member, close friend, or romantic partner to engage in irresponsible or harmful behavior, by making it easier for that behavior to continue. While the term is frequently used with a negative connotation, it’s important to acknowledge that many people become enablers without realizing it. Often we hear from the enabler “I just can’t let them be in pain”, or “they need my help or things won’t be ok.”

Enablers often find themselves organizing their behavior around the needs and choices of the person they’re enabling. It’s a frequent misconception that enablers knowingly support and condone negative choices. In fact, they’re often the ones who end up negatively affected and disturbed by the consequences that the enabled person could face. However, their motivation is usually noble and stems from wanting to “fix things” or “keep the peace.”

Some examples of enabling behavior include:

• Ignoring or tolerating harmful or irresponsible behaviors. 
• Providing financial help to the enabled person when doing so is harmful. 
• Covering up their mistakes, making excuses or justifications. 
• Taking on their responsibilities. 
• Avoiding the issue or refusing to talk about it.
• Not setting clear boundaries or allowing the enabled person to cross them repeatedly. 

Over time, enabling behavior can take a toll on a person’s happiness and lead to resentment toward the person they’re enabling. It’s essential to understand that enabling, while usually well-intentioned, inadvertently perpetuates harmful actions. Did you know that supporting your loved ones without becoming an unwitting enabler is possible by fostering open communication and setting clear and healthy boundaries?

What Are Enabling Behaviors? 

Recognizing enabling behaviors is the first step toward breaking this harmful cycle. It requires introspection and a willingness to change these patterns for the betterment of both yourself and your loved ones. Remember that enabling behaviors extend far beyond the realm of substance abuse or addiction, which is a frequent misconception. They are complex behavioral patterns within close relationships that require our attention and effort. 

These behaviors encompass a range of actions and attitudes that, knowingly or unknowingly, condone, accept, or even support negative actions, allowing a loved one to persist in their destructive behavior despite the awareness of consequences. Think of it as a distorted attempt to solve problems – like trying to patch a sinking ship with band-aids. It’s a well-intentioned and yet misguided effort to keep the peace or maintain harmony within the relationship.

One common aspect of enabling behaviors is allowing various types of addiction to thrive without confrontation. Whether it’s substance addiction, gambling, or any other compulsive behavior, the enabler person often turns a blind eye or actively participates in enabling the continuation of these harmful habits. They can also manifest in allowing someone to behave in ways that do not align with their age, responsibilities, or capabilities. 

Another example of enabling behavior is allowing a partner to emotionally throw their anger around and not confronting the situation.  Walking on eggshells is a term used by alot of people and the person walking on the eggshells is enabling th ebehavior to continue even when it is hurting them personally. 

At their core, enabling behaviors stem from a desire to shield our loved ones from pain or discomfort. However, in doing so, we perpetuate a cycle of negativity and hinder their growth and personal development. And, often end up hurting ourselves.

Why Is Enabling Harmful?

This is a question that deserves a closer look because the effects of enabling can be toxic to all parties involved. Enabling is essentially love twisted into fear, and the desire to help morphs into a form of control that actually allows negative behaviors to continue. Let’s explore why enabling is detrimental to everyone it touches.

Harmful For The Enabler

Enablers, driven by the desire to prevent a major crisis, get caught in a relentless cycle of stress. Instead of averting one significant catastrophe, they end up shouldering the burden of managing numerous smaller daily crises. This constant strain can severely affect their mental and emotional well-being.

Most enablers are aware, to some extent, that they’re being taken advantage of. This knowledge can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or unappreciation. While they honestly believe they’re helping, the reality is that they are facilitating the very behaviors they wish to prevent.

Harmful For The Enabled

Enabling can also have adverse consequences for the person being enabled. When someone repeatedly steps in to handle tasks and responsibilities they could manage on their own, it erodes their sense of self-worth over time. They become conditioned to rely on external assistance, not learning to confront the consequences of their actions.

Setting boundaries might feel like punishment to the enabled individual, as they’ve grown accustomed to the absence of accountability. However, this means they might develop low self-esteem over time, feel incapable of handling everyday challenges, and lack the motivation to change. This state of learned helplessness ultimately hinders personal growth and development.

Harmful To Family Members And Friends

Enabling doesn’t just affect the enabler and the enabled; it also has repercussions on other family members and friends. Enabled individuals begin to expect that their actions are exempt from consequences, leading to a sense of entitlement. They might even manipulate their enablers emotionally to ensure that the support continues.

This dynamic can create a toxic environment where trust is eroded, relationships become strained, and the well-being of everyone involved is compromised. The cycle of enabling perpetuates itself, making it challenging for all parties to break free from its grasp.

Learn How To To Stop Enabling Someone And Start Empowering Them Instead With PIVOT’s Guidance

While most enabling behavior comes from love and an honest desire to help someone, this is not an effective way to break the pattern and help the person you’re enabling to achieve responsibility and personal growth. If you’re held back by fear, you can start by seeking help for yourself. With the help of PIVOT’s experienced coaches, you can learn to recognize your enabling behaviors in individual sessions and work toward addressing them in a healthy way.Our discrete Glass House retreats are another option to explore strategies to help you end this unhealthy cycle and promote healthier relationship patterns and meaningful connections. Instead of being someone’s safety net, you can learn to create the space for their empowerment and allow them to find their true selves while maintaining healthy boundaries.