Author: Lori Jean Glass

Divorce is a huge and often traumatic shift in a person’s life. It usually feels disorienting, confusing, and deeply hurtful. The feelings left behind after your divorce can range from relief to deep-seated anger toward your ex. 

Whether the divorce was prompted by their ex’s infidelity, emotional and/or physical neglect, or the proceedings got messy, many people find it hard to come to terms with a betrayal from someone they trusted. This is why resentment is often a natural part of healing after divorce. 

If you’re looking for a way to overcome this grudge or wish to discuss other relationship problems and solutions, you can do it in an intensive program for individuals. You can also read on to find out more about healing from divorce trauma and facilitating recovery. 

Why Do I Resent My Ex?

Loving someone means trusting them with your most vulnerable side. When you committed to a life together, you decided that they were worthy of an enormous degree of trust. Having this trust broken can easily shake you to the core. Their betrayal can give rise to a variety of negative emotions, like resentment, rage, and even hate.

While this is perfectly normal in the early stages of grieving after your divorce, if these hurtful feelings linger, they can prevent you from moving on. If you let them get the better of you, they can keep you stuck in a loop and be a constant source of unhappiness. This is why it’s important to work through them, heal from divorce trauma, and achieve a full emotional recovery. 

How Do I Deal With Resentment After Divorce?

Getting over your resentment can be a long-lasting process that takes patience and perseverance. Here are some of the steps that may help you to enter a new, healthier phase of your life:

• Recognize it: The first step to overcoming your anger is to admit to yourself that it’s there. Sometimes, people are far removed from their anger because they were taught to suppress it. However, it can be acknowledged and channeled in a healthy way. You’re entitled to feel angry if someone you loved disrespected you, lied to you, or mistreated you in a different way. 
• Find an outlet: While taking out your rage on your ex would probably be your first choice, this wouldn’t solve the problem because your relationship is already irreparably damaged. It could also put you in a precarious position and give them even more power over you. Instead, you need an outlet that lets you focus on your own feelings. For example, you can keep a journal or talk to a relationship coach who’ll help you survive divorce emotionally.
• Accept support: It’s fine if you need some time to yourself to reflect. However, don’t reject the support of loved ones if they’re offering it, and don’t shy away from asking for help when you need it. Having a strong support network and someone to talk to can help you heal.
• Look at the facts: Try to take a step back and evaluate the situation with a clear head. While it is difficult to think rationally when you’re overcome with a variety of emotions, attempting this can give you important insight. Your loved ones may help you see things from a different, more rational perspective.
• Welcome the future: It’s tempting to go over your marriage in your head, thinking of all the things they could’ve done differently. However, it’s much healthier to let go of the past, accept things the way they are, and take it from there. You’ll realize that there’s a lot to look forward to.

Does Resentment Lead to Divorce?

Harboring resentment toward your spouse can put a strain on your marriage. If you let this negative feeling fester and don’t find a healthy mechanism to deal with it, your marriage may reach a breaking point and end in divorce. 

There are many reasons why someone may feel resentful toward their partner, such as:

• Having an unequal power balance, with one person wanting to have the upper hand
• Feeling unappreciated and taken for granted by your partner
• Keeping things from each other and being distrustful of one another
• Having unrealistic expectations of your partner and feeling disappointed when they don’t meet them
• Not being able to get through to the other person and not feeling heard or understood

Sweeping problems under the rug and wishing they’ll go away on their own is what many people do in the face of difficulty. However, this is an ineffective strategy that tends to make people even angrier over time. This is why it’s advisable to tackle the issue directly. The support of a trained relationship coach can help you work it out.

How Can You Forgive Your Ex?

Forgiveness takes time and it’s an ongoing process. However, it is possible to recover from your divorce trauma and learn from the experience. Here are a few steps that could help you find the strength to forgive:

• Think about what’s preventing you from forgiving your ex. Processing these feelings will probably require time.
• Try to understand their perspective: Even though you got hurt, trying to empathize with your ex and understand their point of view may help you let go of your anger.
• Focus on self-care. Prioritize your comfort and well-being during your recovery process as best as you can. 
• Avoid dwelling on the bad: Try to focus on the good times you had together and how, for a while, you had a fulfilling relationship.
• Express gratitude: Although counting your blessings may seem like a cliche, it can help you acknowledge what you have and diminish your feelings of resentment.

Can You Reconcile After Divorce?

Many people have the urge to run back to their ex while they’re feeling vulnerable in the early post-divorce stages. However, resurrecting an unhealthy relationship just because it feels familiar doesn’t typically lead to lasting happiness. On the other hand, some people get back together after divorce and make the relationship work in the long run. The reconciliation can give rise to a healthy, functional relationship if you work through the issues that led to the divorce in the first place. 

Who Can Help Individuals Go Through Their Divorce Emotional Process And Overcome Resentment?

If you feel like you’re heading toward divorce, couples can understand each other better by taking part in a PIVOT retreat. If you’re going through a crisis because you’re trying to cope with the effects of your divorce, our individual coaching sessions can help you realize your potential and put you on a path of self-actualization. Our curriculum will teach you how to live a more authentic and more fulfilling life. Contact us right now to start a journey of self-discovery!

Parting ways with your significant other after a hard time can be a daunting and traumatic stage of your life. You may feel like the very foundation of what you deemed the most stable aspect of your life has been shaken to the ground. However, for some people, it may be just a culmination of a dysfunctional and mismatched relationship and therefore a relief, and an entrance to a period of personal recovery. 

Sometimes, it may be necessary to go in stages in order to accept the fact that you’re no longer married. Of course, leaving an unhealthy relationship sometimes requires professional guidance in order to gaining a significant amount of insight into your pattern of attachment, love addiction, and coping strategies. Read on to find out how to cope and overcome 

Can Divorce Be Considered Traumatic?

While traumatic experiences are usually associated with drastic negative changes in the environment, divorce can bear some similarities with trauma for one of both partners, due to several reasons: 

• It often comes unexpected, without clear warning signs for one of the partners
• You can feel powerless and shocked, as you put utmost trust in your relationship
• You may feel betrayed by your significant other, especially if there was an affair
• It can be a painful, confusing, and emotionally hurtful experience, especially if your partner left you in an intentionally cruel way

It is also worth noting that divorce can be traumatic for the divorcees and their children. At this stage, whether the parents divorce during their early childhood or teenage years, it may create a traumatic experience that will follow them well into adulthood. 

What Is Lost Through Divorce? 

Every case of severe stress or trauma includes some sense of loss. The process of overcoming trauma usually involves grieving. Some studies even use a dramatic notion of “death of marriage”, to emphasize the grief that comes after divorce. This is no wonder, as many aspects of the life you used to have together is now lost, including: 

• Your ally in everyday activities
• Your companion in parental duties
• Your support in your career achievements
• Your partner in household tasks
• Your aid in times of hardship 
• Your closest friend and roommate
• Your sexual and emotional partner
• Your audience for inside jokes

What Are The Stages of Recovery After Divorce?

As with any other overwhelming experience that demands in-depth processing, you are likely to go through the following:

• Encountering the Event

When you encounter the fact that your marriage has ended, it can be very difficult to grasp. Many people find themselves in a state of shock. The main question you may try to answer is “What happened?”. And, more importantly, “What does it mean?” and “Why did it happen?”

• Denial

While you may be prone to see denial as purely negative, it does serve an important purpose: it buys you precious time until you’re completely ready to appreciate the gravity of your situation. If it lasts for a short period of time, it doesn’t have to be unhealthy. However, if you get stuck in denial about your divorce trauma, you’re likely to have unfinished business to complete later. 

• Anger

Once you realize the gravity of the situation, you may start to feel angry with yourself, your ex, or other people. Acknowledging these feelings and working around them does serve a purpose in recovery. While it’s only natural to go through the angry phase, it’s important to control open outbursts and avoid angry behavior towards your ex-spouse, children, or anyone else involved.  

• Sadness

A temporary depressive state is a normal part of the recovery process. Grieving the loss and remembering the good aspects of your marriage is a good way to process this sadness. However, it may become problematic if you get stuck in this stage and if not resolved or addressed properly. If not addressed properly, it may develop into a fully-fledged clinical depression. 

• Acceptance

In this phase, you may have to accept that your former partner has moved on. This may be a chance to recognize your potential, embrace new opportunities, and pave the way for self-actualization. It may require a lot of work, time, and bargaining until you reach this stage.

How Does Divorce Affect a Woman?

Higher levels of post-divorce stress are associated with more chances of inflammation, according to studies. Women are also prone to experience stress for a longer time. On average, women take a longer break before they start dating, begin a new relationship, or remarry. 

Often, women have to deal with financial inequality, they are more likely to risk career loss and social isolation after divorce. Sometimes, they need to fight to keep their parental rights, and this can add up to the overall divorce trauma. Women tend to need additional encouragement in order to overcome vulnerable times. 

How Does Divorce Affect a Man?

There have been studies that show that men may develop more health problems as a result of divorce stress. The most commonly reported issues include weight fluctuations, cardiovascular disease, and susceptibility to stroke. On the psychological level, divorced men can develop depression and anxiety, and suffer from insomnia or other sleep disorders. Divorce impacts cardiovascular health negatively in both men and women.

Men also have to struggle with keeping up with their parental roles and responsibilities. This is one of the many reasons why working closely on personal growth and development is crucial for men.

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?

In general, the normal process of overcoming divorce pain can take up to two years. This all depends on various factors: 

• The previous quality of your relationship 
• Whether you feel resentment towards your ex
• Whether you went through a legal battle over your children or property 
• How much support you receive from your family and friends

What Can You Do To Overcome A Divorce? 

When your marriage reaches a definite end and you get a divorce, it’s important to acknowledge the stages of recovery. There are several strategies to keep in mind in order to save your peace of mind and prepare for life as a single. 

Take Care of Yourself

One of the most important aspects of your recovery from a difficult divorce is taking care of your needs, as well as physical, and mental well-being. You may use this time to write down your priorities and reorganize your life.  

Reframe Your Marriage

Instead of jumping to conclusions and seeing your past marriage as a complete failure, waste of time and energy, you may have the chance to see it as an important learning experience, a lesson that will propel you to the next stage of your life. 

Allow Time for Closure

Every wound needs time to heal. While the divorce will definitely have the legal and financial aspects to it, you’d probably feel the need to rush it. Consider allowing the whole process to unravel at a natural pace. Patience is one of the well-known roads to acceptance and peace of mind. 

Construct a Positive Environment

Surrounding yourself with people and things that will associate you with your breakup and divorce may not be the best coping strategy. Instead, you can try to make a corner in your house or apartment that will serve the purpose of a physical foundation for your new life. 

Seek Support from a Friend

This can be a close family member, a sibling, or someone with whom you have a close and sincere friendship. While you may go through feelings of depression, despair, and hopelessness, having someone to be there for you may be indispensable.  

Respect Your Routine

Whether you unwillingly or deliberately decide to disrupt or forgo your daily rituals, you’d surely like to preserve at least some sense of control and normalcy. To this end, it’s useful to reinstate and try to stick to your daily routines. This goes hand in hand with taking care of your health, finances, career, and personal goals. 

Take a Break From Dating

This can be a slippery slope, as you can feel unsure whether you’re dating to distract yourself from your post-divorce stress, to find comfort, or to find a new, fulfilling relationship. Instead of rushing into a new relationship, you may feel the need to devote more time to yourself. This way you’ll be able to determine your priorities, and start working on your self-growth. 

Seek New Resources

Finding new ways to relate and cope with your current situation can mean a difference between recovery and further complications. You can find new potential by taking up a new hobby, meeting new people, or rekindling old friendships. 

Who Can Help Me With Effective Divorce Trauma Recovery And Codependent Relationship Retreat? 

Deciding to divorce isn’t easy, and going through the process sometimes requires professional support and coaching. With the help of our relationship advocates in the PIVOT retreat, you can tackle the most sensitive topics in supportive settings, which may allow you to make significant breakthroughs. Whether you wish to recover from divorce trauma individually, overcome challenges and salvage your marriage as a couple, learn how to foster authenticity in your relationship, our staff is here to help. You can also book individual coaching sessions and work on your potential. Get in touch with us to start a new phase in life!

Do you feel like there are some insurmountable differences that can not be resolved between you and your spouse? Have you considered working on your marriage with the help of a professional? Or are you about to give up? Every year, millions of couples decide to end their marriage. In the United States, the statistics aren’t too optimistic, given that about half of all marriages end in divorce. On top of that, new marriages have an even higher divorce rate. 

Before you make the final decision, it may be crucial to approach the question tactfully and responsibly, considering your needs, as well as the perspective of your partner. It could be at a crossroads, walking a very fine line between taking separate ways or reconciliation. 

Surely, there may be some ways to move forward and even salvage your marriage through relationship and intimacy coaching. Nevertheless, at times, divorce may be the only device that makes sense and that can benefit you. How would you decide on the next step? 

How Do You Know You Need a Divorce?

While you might be prone to see only the negatives in your everyday life, how would you know for certain that your marriage is beyond repair? While everyone is entitled to make decisions based on their gut feeling, there are more factors that can play a role in your pending breakup or recuperated relationship.

There are some cases where divorce seems inevitable. For instance, it is usually the only clear and logical exit in case of an abusive or neglectful relationship. In other cases, if you still feel that you love or are loved by your partner, in spite of hardships, you may hope that things get better. 

Even if your marriage is not dotted with heated arguments and periods of drama, you could feel that something is missing and that you are growing distant. Could it be that your marriage is failing before your eyes, even if you do not seem to notice it? Are there ways to rewind and start over?

What Are The Signs Of A Failing Marriage?

Dysfunctional couples tend to harbor a good deal of resentment toward each other, even before they split up. If you feel that you reached a point where you no longer feel joy, or can’t find common ground, it’s probably time to take a closer look at your relationship. Here are some signs that you may need to make a radical change in your marriage or break up: 

• You can let go of the constant bickering and drama
• You’re stuck in your parenting role, neglecting your relationship  
• You feel lonely or abandoned in your marriage
• You start keeping secrets from your spouse
• You fantasize about having an affair, even if your partner is faithful
• You stopped communicating as you used to, and started distancing from each other
• You haven’t been physically intimate in a long time
• You feel indifferent about each other, or take each other for granted
• You are competing with your partner in an unhealthy way

• You don’t feel respected or you no longer respect each other
• You can’t imagine spending time with your spouse in the foreseeable future
• You can’t trust them any longer, you harbor bitterness or resentment towards each other
• You no longer enjoy each other’s company
• You feel emotionally drained, or you’re neglected or emotionally abused by your spouse
• You have stopped trying or haven’t even looked for help

If you experience some of the described feelings or behaviors above, you may still want to work on your relationship. While you might feel desperate, there are at least two ways to resolve the situation positively: by ending your marriage on good terms or finding a way to save it. 

Is Emotional Neglect a Reason For Divorce?

While you may easily identify an abusive, jealous, or controlling partner, an emotionally neglectful spouse can seem like a vague label. Neglect is not that easily recognized, as the neglectful person wouldn’t burst out in anger, won’t criticize or attack you verbally, won’t harass you, or display aggression in any shape or form. 

Emotionally neglectful partners may come across as caring parents, friendly family members, and pleasant coworkers, although they can be severely cold and restrained with their partners. Here are a couple of examples of emotional neglect: 

• Your spouse appears absent-minded, distant, or disinvolved when you talk or want to discuss your plans. This may make you feel invisible, guilty, misunderstood, or unworthy of their attention.
• They prefer to spend time separately and have their own circle of friends, excluding you from their interests, hobbies, and social life.
• Your partners’ expectations are unclear to you. They don’t complain openly, don’t blame you, yet give you what appears to be a silent treatment. 
• You could have problems with perfectionism and low self-esteem, resulting from a lack of validation or support from your significant other, friends, or parents. Separation and divorce could be a good basis for shedding some light on your self-actualization needs and gaining more insight into your strengths and potential. 

You might try to read into the detachment of your partner or find an excuse for them. While you could feel a strange sense of guilt as if their neglect is a result of a particular action on your end. Or, you could try to rationalize it as a sign of a phase you’re going through. If it’s something that is going on for some time regardless of the circumstances, it may be the time that you raise some questions and check if you are being manipulated emotionally.

How Do I Know If I Am Making The Right Decision to Divorce?

You may feel unsure whether or not you have good reasons for divorce. Regardless of how discontent you are, you might find yourself drawing more positives than negatives. You may be pondering about various outcomes: entering a new life without a significant other, venturing into the world of social, emotional, and financial independence, with all the benefits and risks involved. 

For many couples that were married for a longer time, it may feel like a leap into the unknown, fraught with layers of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. If you are in that situation, giving yourself some additional time to prepare could be of vital importance, especially if you feel vulnerable at this stage. 

Keep in mind that divorced couples cited the following reasons for ending their marriage: 

• Commitment issues – if you’ve noticed that you are no longer investing time, energy, kindness, or genuine care into your relationship, it’s probably time to part ways.
• Frequent arguments – if you feel a lack of common ground and cannot find a thing you can agree upon, it may be time to take care of yourself and file for divorce.
• Affairs – while there may be arrangements among couples to tolerate or accept the concept of an open relationship, the betrayal that comes from infidelity is rarely only about sex. It’s also about the lack of trust, and so it’s a valid reason for a break-up.
• Marriage at a young age – if you haven’t had enough experience and weren’t emotionally mature when you took your vows, it’s no wonder that you’ve grown in separate directions
• Unrealistic expectations – disappointment and subsequent separation can stem from putting very high hopes that it will bring miraculous change throughout your life.
• Inequality among partners – this can refer to a lack of financial freedom, career choices, power struggles, and disbalance between gender roles, everything leading to one party feeling left out, belittled, or taken for granted.
• Domestic violence or abuse – although every relationship is fraught with complexities and idiosyncrasies, violent behavior, physical and emotional abuse is a red flag that needs to be brought to the authorities. 

What Can You Do Before You Make The Final Decision? 

When you’re facing a pending divorce or separation, you may experience a lot of anger, sadness, grief, or exercise denial maneuvres. These are some of the ways to cope with the situation, all with the goal of finding the much-needed clarity. You would probably like to clear up where you’re headed as a couple in a constructive way, without starting a new angry argument, ignoring the differences, or resentfully withdrawing from each other. 

There are several ways you can address the issue: 

• You can try to talk it out

If your partner is ready to have a rational and authentic conversation, there might be some room for a satisfactory outcome. Even if you are headed towards the end of your marriage, knowing that you do not hold any bitterness or resentment toward each other can give you both a good headstart into personal recovery.  

• Give yourself some time 

Whatever signs you notice, it is important not to rush. You need time to take care of yourself and to remember that life simply has to go on. While the period in front of you will require significant adjustments and planning, you deserve to take a break. This will give you time and energy for necessary changes, whether you’ll start improving your relationship, or preparing for your new independent life. 

• Seek professional help

It could be useful to take a good look at your marriage from all angles and take responsibility for your health and well-being. If your spouse is open to the idea, you can consult a mental health professional and try to work on the issues. Even if you agree that divorce is the only way to go, you would probably like to do it on amicable terms. 

While it will be the end of your companionship, making a mature and sound decision may be beneficial for your children, family members, friends, and your future partners. Although it may feel disappointing, if you start your new life without bitterness, you have not wasted your time together. 

How Can A Relationship Intimacy Coaching Help Through My Marriage Crisis? 

If your aim is to take make a sound decision on whether to work on your marriage or to part ways, you need a supportive environment where you can focus and talk openly. Taking part in one of the glasshouse PIVOT retreats can provide you with the necessary resources and time to make vital decisions about your relationship. Apart from that, you can work on your strengths and potential with an individual coach, and work on your personal growth and emotional fulfillment. Our coaches and relationship advocates are at your disposal for all your questions and doubts. Reach out to us today and start a new journey!

People are able to form healthy relationships if they’re operating from their healthiest self and know how to attach securely. When you feel good in your own skin and have a healthy relationship with yourself, you can contribute more to your relationship. 

You can achieve deeper self-awareness and become more accomplished in life through the process of self-actualization. It allows you to understand yourself, establish a healthy relationship with yourself and the world, and reach your full potential. 

Learn what self-actualization is, how to become self-actualized in a romantic relationship, and how to support your partner through this process. With this knowledge, you may improve the level of intimacy in your marriage or get an idea of how to work through certain challenges in a relationship workshop.

What Is Self-Actualization?

You become self-actualized when you realize your full potential, know and operate from your capabilities, and adopt a deep appreciation for all the intricacies of life. It’s about being the best version of yourself you can be. 

People who’ve been through a self-actualization journey have certain shared traits, like:

• Understanding: Self-actualization comes from a place of deep understanding of yourself. Establishing a good grasp of your own needs and drives is the basis for self-growth and maturation.
• Acceptance: People who are self-actualized accept and love themselves for what they are. Instead of punishing themselves for their perceived shortcomings, they acknowledge them and work on them.
• Kindness: Since self-actualization helps you accept yourself, you’re more likely to be kinder to yourself and more compassionate to others. This comes from the knowledge that nobody is perfect and everyone has their own unique potential to uncover. 
• Connections: Because you’re better able to understand others, you can open up more easily and be more comfortable being vulnerable. You find joy in giving as well as receiving and you thrive when you share your experiences with others.

What Is The Difference Between Self-Realization And Self-Actualization?

While these phrases are often used interchangeably, there is a difference between the two. Self-actualization helps you tap into your full potential. On the other hand, people usually define self-realization as a process of gaining a deeper understanding of your character. 

While self-actualization is a more modern concept that originated from psychology, self-realization comes from Eastern traditions, mainly Hinduism. Despite slight differences, both concepts put positive change and deep self-awareness into focus. They’re both about learning how to live a healthy, more fulfilling life and adopt a more complete view of the self.

How Do You Become A Self-Actualized Person?

When you start your self-improvement journey, you have a long and winding road ahead of you. It’s a slow, multifaceted process. However, as long as you’re committed to it and go steady, you can make excellent progress over the long term. Here are some strategies to try:

• Accept everything life sends your way: If you learn how to accept the good and the bad things that the future holds, you will feel less frustration. If you pick your battles, you won’t get hung up on situations that are out of your control, such as your spouse wanting a divorce, and you’ll focus your attention on the things that you can change.
• Forgive yourself and others: Self-actualization doesn’t equal perfection. You will still face challenges and failure at times. However, self-actualized people don’t beat themselves up about the mistakes they make. Instead, they learn from them and move on. They also don’t judge other people for their shortcomings.
• Improve what you can: Self-growth means you correctly identify areas for improvement in your life and work on them to make new breakthroughs. However, be careful not to dwell on problems after you’ve exhausted all possibilities for solving them.
• See the beauty in little things: Sometimes people get too caught up in negativity and fail to see the beauty that surrounds them. While it can seem trite, being able to enjoy the little things in life is actually a healthy and necessary skill.
• Behave authentically: Being yourself without letting outside pressures have an impact is an important part of your self-actualization journey. When you’re genuine, you don’t feel the need to hide or modify your personality so others would accept you.
• Express compassion: When you understand yourself well, you can also have a better insight into the minds of others. Just like you’re gentle and forgiving to yourself, you can extend the same kind of compassion to those around you.
• Be self-reliant: A large part of being self-actualized is being comfortable when you’re on your own and not depending on other people to reassure you. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help when you need it. It means you’re capable of resolving the challenges in your life single-handedly when the situation calls for it.

Can I Become Self-Actualized In An Intimate Relationship?

Self-actualization is an individual, intimate process that everyone goes through on their own. However, having a supportive partner and a healthy bond can help. You can both get farther in your journey of self-discovery by attending a relationship workshop. There you can learn how to identify the areas you need to work on both individually and as a couple as well as healthy strategies to overcome them.

How Can I Support My Partner To Become Self-Actualized?

Self-actualized people tend to have healthier relationships because they’re open to sharing their thoughts and feelings and they have a more positive outlook on life. Nurturing your bond and supporting your partner as they work on their personal development is the best way to help them self-actualize. Be patient with them as they make progress and talk to them about their experiences.

Where Can I Find an Effective Codependency Retreat to Help Me Self-Actualize?

If you’re going through a difficult time because you’re in the middle of a divorce or because you resent your ex for hurting you, PIVOT’s eye-opening retreats can help. In the safe, comfortable setting of our individual workshops, you’ll be able to open up to our relationship advocates and find solutions to your problems, like codependency or love addiction. Couples can also seek our assistance in overcoming issues like unhealthy attachment patterns and love avoidance.

Contact us today to have a one-of-a-kind transformational experience!

A healthy relationship allows you to be the best version of yourself and you’re at your best when you’re acting genuinely. While it may seem like an elusive ideal, being true to yourself is actually the best way to approach a coupleship and it’s easier than you may think. It’s helpful to  keep your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors congruous, and you can learn how to do this by working with a relationship coach.

If you’re wondering what it means to be a genuine person and how to be authentic in a relationship, read on to learn how you can nurture this within yourself and live a truly authentic life.

What Does Self Authenticity Mean?

Being true to yourself means that your actions, thoughts, and feelings align, and you express them with integrity and confidence. 

However, many people struggle to strike this balance and have truly genuine existence. When the different aspects of your personality (parts of self) are out of sync, you may feel like you’re not being yourself in some areas of your life. For example, you could be putting on a false persona to impress others, like pretending to be more confident to win over a potential partner.

Here’s are some ways in which authenticity can manifest itself:

• Honesty: If you’re genuine, you’re honest both to other people and yourself, and you don’t feel the need to modify your behavior to conform to other people’s expectations. 
• Self-sufficiency: An authentic person makes decisions and acts on them independently, unbothered by outside influences. They rely on their own inner strength in challenging situations.
• Self-love: You accept that you’re not perfect and love yourself regardless of any shortcomings you may have. You don’t feel the need to keep up appearances because you know that you’re enough, just the way you are.
• Ease: Authentic people are comfortable in their own skin. Because they aren’t bothered by what the world expects of them, they are unburdened and free to live a fulfilling life.
• Fulfilling your potential: You know your strengths and develop in areas that need work. This makes you more likely to tap into your full potential and grow as a person.

However, being authentic isn’t about being rigid and impervious to change. It also doesn’t mean that you believe that you’re perfect and beyond reproach. People naturally grow and transform to respond to the changing circumstances in their lives, so the way you express your authentic self will reflect this too. 

For example, you may have started off as a shy child and teenager and developed more outgoing traits as you entered adulthood. Expressing this freely doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped being true to yourself. Instead, your personality has been through a shift and you naturally behave in line with this.

What Makes A Relationship Authentic?

There may be different levels of authenticity in a relationship: 

• You can be your genuine selves. You accept each other the way you are, without the need to change the other person to fit your expectations. You give each other support and room to grow without impediments.
• You’re honest with one another. You’re able to express your thoughts and feelings freely, without fear of judgment or rejection. You feel safe opening up to your partner and trust them to understand even the things that make you most vulnerable.
• You don’t let outside pressures influence your relationship. You’re sure of your relationship regardless of what others think or do. 

Why Is It Important To Be Authentic In A Relationship?

Inauthenticity can take a toll on a relationship. For example, you may be consciously hiding your true colors from your partner. You could be unwilling to express your deepest fears and insecurities because you think that this will drive them away. You may worry that showing who you really are will scare them off. This is common for people who have an anxious attachment style and fear rejection from their partner.

In a different scenario, you may be attempting to change to match your partner’s standards. For example, if you know your partner prefers being the leader, you may be taking the back seat to pander to them. This way, you could be stifling your natural affinities and losing confidence. This may cause you to feel resentful and jeopardize the relationship.

On the other hand, a relationship that’s genuine doesn’t require either partner to hide or pretend. Instead, it allows you to be unapologetically yourselves, with your feelings, thoughts, and actions working in unison.

How Can I Become More Authentic In My Relationship?

Establishing a genuine connection is what most people aspire to. Here are some things you can do to have more authenticity in your relationship:

• Have a sense of independence: It’s not a good idea to rely solely on your partner for happiness. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you may lose your individuality and become too caught up in making your relationship work at all costs.
• Talk to each other: Share your feelings and thoughts with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Show understanding and compassion when they’re feeling vulnerable and expect the same in return.
• Expect reciprocity: There needs to be mutual respect and understanding between the two of you. A healthy relationship provides a safe space where you can both feel seen and heard.

How Can You Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage With an Intensive Workshop? 

If you feel like you or your partner are being inauthentic and you worry that this may destroy your marriage, PIVOT can help you become a more authentic person and have a genuine relationship. You can become more self-actualized and reach your full potential in one of our individual workshops. These workshops can provide support while you’re trying to cope with divorce trauma and in other emotionally hurtful situations.

We also help couples find a common ground by participating in our retreats together. Reach out to us to uncover your unhealthy patterns and fulfill your potential. We’re ready to support you through your journey!

One of the biggest problems in modern relationships is still the stigma of vulnerability. It can often be seen as equal to weakness, frailty, delicacy, meekness, and other seemingly unwanted traits in a romantic partner. However, that’s not at all what vulnerability is. 

No wonder, then, the amount of intimacy avoidance and lack of emotional and physical intimacy in marriages and relationships. We all deserve to be seen and heard by the people whom we love and create connections with.  

Without vulnerability, it can feel as if you’re negating an integral part of your personality, burying it deep inside, along with other feelings you’d also consider challenging to display. Know this, healthy vulnerability is not negative. Expressing it could be the very thing your relationship’s been lacking and the something that could improve it. 

What Is Vulnerability In A Relationship?

It’s important to note one that vulnerability is not a form of weakness in any way. In fact, it’s just the opposite. It’s expressing strength and willingness to become fully open with your partner and share your innermost feelings, fears, and thoughts with them without being scared of their reaction.  

Vulnerability doesn’t represent your inability to cope with life’s many trials and tribulations, it represents an invaluable opportunity to grow and develop as a person and as a partner, both in your relationships and outside of it. It takes strength to open up, and showing your vulnerability to others helps you overcome your potentially existing fears of rejection and nurtures the building of honesty and trust with your partner. 

In essence, being vulnerable with your partner allows them to get to know you completely. It allows them to become aware of your thoughts, challenges, strengths, and weaknesses. It allows them to get to know you without holding anything back. As such, vulnerability in a relationship is essential for deepening your connection and building healthier relations. 

What Is Healthy Vulnerability?

Healthy vulnerability is a form of emotional wellness and a powerful skill that opens you up to a deeper truth that can be shared and heard by another.  Healthy vulnerability serves to foster greater connection, honesty, healing, and enhanced self-awareness. 

Is Vulnerability Good In A Relationship?

Expressing your feelings is a skill not everybody develops in their lives. Showing your emotions can carry a negative connotation for some indidividuals, and vulnerability can easily be mistaken for a negative thing. This is why discernment is KEY!  

Who you choose to be truely vulnerable with matters.  If you have a history of being neglected, abandoned, not seen, etc.,you want to consider who you are opening up to so you do not rewound yourself.  This is why our circle boundaries are so popular.  If you and your partner are having challenges and there is emotional bombing being used to defend your position, this would not be a good time to be vunerable.  Getting help to overcome your challenges would be a good first step until you feel safer about opening up more.

If you relationship is in a fairly good place and you are wanting to have deeper connection, learning to be more vulnerable is very beneficial for creaitng intimacy, as showing your feelings to your significant other only leads to a deeper connection and stronger bonds. Knowing the deepest corners of each other’s souls can only be beneficial to your long-term understanding and relationship. 

10 Benefits Of Vulnerability In A Relationship

The initial sharing of feelings is only the beginning step in relationship vulnerability. This kind of emotional openness will only benefit your relationship in numerous unexpected ways, such as:

• Increasing the chances of your partner recognizing and meeting your needs. 
• Improving your and your partner’s sense of worthiness and authenticity. 
• Building a stronger foundation of mutual trust in your relationship. 
• Experiencing genuine comfort, support, and care from your partner. 
• Becoming open to being truly loved by your partner.
• Increasing the psychological and physical intimacy between you and your partner. 
• Fostering stronger empathy in your relationship. 
• Creating a solid foundation of mutual trust. 
• Facilitating positive growth and change for both partners. 
• Helping you deal with negative emotions better.

How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship?

For some people, being vulnerable, or open, with their partner isn’t easy. Revealing everything that you are can be tough for a number of reasons, be it lack of proper understanding what vulnerability truly means or fearing getting hurt again as you could have been in the past. 

Whatever your root cause of not showing your vulnerable side might be, it’s important to first understand just how beneficial it can be for both you and your relationship if you try to work on showing your vulnerability. 

7 Ways To Learn To Present Your Vulnerability

Upon understanding what vulnerability is, and more importantly, what it isn’t, and understanding how it could benefit you and your partner, it can be challenging at first to actually start engaging in. 

As hard as it feels, it’s well worth working on, as the positive changes that vulnerability brings to your relationship and life are positive. As every journey begins with a single step, so does your journey to vulnerability: 

• Begin by asking yourself why you’re so reluctant to open up to your partner and to others and try to detect the root cause of it all. 
• Once you understand the root of the problem, try to better understand the feelings you have toward yourself, your partner, your friends, family, and other important people in your life. Working the Relational Circle boundaries with a PIVOT coach can help you with this. 
• Start small and take baby steps in showing your vulnerability to your partner and other close people. 
• Practice your vulnerability through those initial baby steps and slowly attempt to transition into sharing your deeper feelings with people whom you trust. 
• Try to be as honest as possible with your partner about your daily challenges, struggles, and fears as well as your happiness and successes. 
• As time passes, try to become more open with the emotional support you require. Become vulnerable enough to be able to tell your partner what it is you’d like them to do. 
• Eliminate the potentially negative connotations of vulnerability and embrace it for all the good it can bring. 

How Do You Deal With A Vulnerable Partner?

You really don’t have to “deal” with a vulnerable partner, you just have to be there for them. Ask them what they need and give them what they ask within reason. Be honest and open, and remember to slow down and be present with them. Do your best to be there so that they have a shoulder to lean on, and over time you’ll watch the pieces fall into place. 

How Can I Help My Partner With Vulnerability?

We all operate in different ways and all of us need a different approach that would help us and encourage us to show our vulnerable side. Essentially, talking to your partner openly about their emotions and inability to open up is a good first step.

7 Ways To Help Your Partner Express Their Vulnerability

However, talking about it will only get both you and your partner so far. As unique as we all are, there are some things you can attempt to do to reach your partner and show them that you’re the person they can feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of: 

• Remind your partner that you’re trustworthy and that they’re safe showing their intimate emotions to you. 
• Be supportive toward your partner and try to show appreciation for their attempts at opening up to you. 
• If you’re wrong, take responsibility and admit you’re at fault, as this will show them you’re ready to be vulnerable in the same way they are trying to be. 
• Listen to what they say and don’t use it or hold it against them. 
• Find the right time to have fun with them. Also, try to recognize the situations in which they need you to be serious and closely listen to what they have to say. 
• If you see that your partner’s unwilling to be the first one to show their vulnerability, help them by doing it first and opening up before them. 
• Express true interest in their lives, feelings, challenges, and victories, as this will illustrate just how much you’re dedicated to them and to your relationship. 

PIVOT Can Help Resolve Intimacy Avoidance In Marriage Or Relationship And Foster Healthy Vulnerability

Vulnerability, when it’s healthy and not self-encumbering, can actually be very positive to both you and your relationship. It can serve as a supplemental method of self-actualization within your relationship and it can be one of the ways of authenticating yourself and your feelings alongside your partner. 

Also, showing your vulnerability can help you find the support you need in your marriage or relationship and prevent you from getting lost in your partner. What’s more, vulnerability is also a form of pure relationship honesty, allowing you to freely express your innermost feelings and be completely honest with both your partner and yourself. However, vulnerability can also run rampant if you let it, causing potential problems for both partners. That’s why PIVOT’s here to help you learn how to properly channel your vulnerability. Our individual coaching sessions with experienced advocates and couple retreats for developing adequate support mechanisms will help you find stable ground. Call us today!

We live in a world that is driven by competition. We’re frequently distracted by the need to draw comparisons with other people. You may be wondering why you’re comparing yourself to others and how it affects you and your partner. Does competitiveness serve any purpose in your relationship?

To better understand your or your partner’s need to compete, get a closer look at the nature of competitive relationships and whether it is healthy to compare yourself to your partner. This will help you learn how to recognize signs of competitive and other love avoidant behavior, and how to quit comparing yourself to others. 

Is It Normal To Compare Yourself To Your Partner?

A part of being human is the awareness of the abilities, achievements, and talents of the people around you. It’s only natural that you end up drawing comparisons between yourself and others, especially people that you’re close with. Nevertheless, it can become difficult if it becomes an obsessive habit. This can become an overwhelming issue when combined with a low level of acceptance of your small flaws and imperfections.

As with many other aspects of a relationship, the context makes all the difference. While you’ll typically see a good deal of competition growing up, among school kids and siblings, sometimes even among coeds and coworkers, there’s very little place for it in an adult, intimate relationship. 

There’s a clear difference between feeling envious and insecure and being respectful or in awe of your partner. If you have a habit of comparing yourself to others, especially to your partner, it’s important to be aware of the following:

• It’s based on unfair presumptions. You’ll compare the worst you know about yourself with the best you presume about your partner or others.  
• Not everything that matters can be quantified. True comparisons require some unit of measurement and comparing your worth, success, and qualities, can’t be reduced to a score.
• It’s time-consuming. Wasting too much of your time on comparing yourself to others isn’t the best use of your time, especially the precious moments with your partner. 
• It robs you of precious energy. Instead of putting your focus on something creative and fulfilling, you can become so distraught to even lose passion, drive, and determination to accomplish your goals.
• It’s not good enough. Attaining success doesn’t put the end to comparisons, in fact, your focus may still shift to something else. 
• It often leads to resentment. Since you can’t control the object of your comparison, i.e. success and achievement of others, you’ll start to feel a strong resentment toward them and yourself. This is likely to pose an issue in your everyday life and make you avoid intimate relationships altogether. 
• Everyone is unique. While you can argue that this isn’t a valid reason, as we do live interconnected lives, deep down we’re individuals with our own sets of talents, preferences, and contributions. 

How Do You Know If Your Partner Is Competing With You?

You may have noticed some of the signs of competitive behavior in yourself.  However, what about your partner? Here are some behaviors that may indicate that your partner is competing with you: 

• They aren’t genuinely happy when you succeed. They can come across as aloof, bored, or tired. They don’t show interest in your achievements and don’t ask any questions.
• They seem resentful or even angry when you attain success. They might feel bad about themself, complain openly about their self-worth, or start to argue with you, as if you’ve done something wrong. 
• They can act frustrated if you manage to complete something on their behalf, as if you’ve intended to embarrass them.
• They are trying to “outdo” you in different areas of life, whether it’s career, hobbies, friendships, or parenthood.
• They keep a list of things you did wrong and resent you for that, quietly or openly, while taking the good things for granted or ignoring them completely. 
• They belittle your efforts and achievements. They use various strategies to discourage you, make you feel less worthy, or patronize you. They make you feel foolish for celebrating your accomplishments.   
• They make you feel guilty for your success. They can point out the things that you’ve neglected while striving to achieve your goals, paint you as self-centered, inappropriate, or even mean.  

Is Competition In A Relationship Bad?

As with anything else, you can argue that a healthy amount of competitive spirit can be used to improve your relationship in some regard. For example, you may say that your success can inspire your partner to try harder, or you can look up to your partner as a role model for their achievements. 

Apart from playful competition that you may experience in leisure activities or playing board games, there are couples that compete in many other areas. This begs the question, where do you draw the line between normal and toxic competition? Coaching and mental health advocates generally agree that there’s no place for a fully fledged rivalry in a healthy relationship.

This is especially problematic when you’re undergoing important changes in life. For example, your intimate relationship changes when kids are born. If you’re overly competitive, the parent role can become just another battlefield where you try to prove your own worth. This will often come at the expense of your kid’s wellbeing, making you struggle with intimacy. 

How Do I Stop Comparing Myself To My Partner?

Whether you’re noticing the negative signs of competition in yourself or your partner, or both, there are ways to free yourself from it. The key is to come to terms with your envy and low or inflated self-worth, whether it’s a result of unresolved conflicts with the father figure or attachment issues with your mother. 

Some of the following points can help you cope and overcome the need to compete with your partner and improve your relationship: 

• Be aware of the drawbacks of constant comparisons. As with any other bad habit, it’s useful to remind yourself of the disadvantages that come with comparing yourself. You’ll waste your time thinking about how you compare to them and begin to feel bad about yourself and start avoiding your partner. It’s essential to invest conscious effort in breaking this habit.  
• Focus on your goals and achievements. It’s useful to remind yourself of your achievements and put them into a realistic and purposeful perspective.
• Practice gratitude. Don’t belittle yourself or your partner. Try to step outside of your own thinking and show gratitude for your and your partner’s achievements. This way, you’ll learn how to make a distinction between humility and self-depreciation.
• Accept the fact that nobody is perfect. While this doesn’t mean that you need to downplay the accomplishments of others, it’s best to put them in perspective. Show appreciation without drawing comparisons to your achievements. It has nothing to do with how much you’re worth. You both have something to bring to the table.
• Use yourself as a measure for your success. It’s not fair to anyone to stick to unrealistic expectations. The only relevant “metrics” at the end of the day are your sense of well-being, the precious time you have together, and your gut feeling.
• Seek inspiration. The success of your partner doesn’t have to feel like a burden. Try to learn from them instead. Try to focus more on asking good questions and show some interest. This is why active listening is so important in every relationship. It can help you grow individually and as a couple, and you’ll find joy in discovering something new together. 

Improve Your Intimacy In Marriage Through PIVOT’s Intensive Workshops

If you’re wondering how to turn things around and break the habit of constantly questioning your self-worth, our personal advocates will gladly assist you. Whether you’re struggling with relationship addiction or facing other challenges in your emotional life, we are there to help. You can opt for one of our insightful individual coaching plans, or sign up for our experience-based retreat for couples, and more. We’ll gladly answer all of your questions, so reach out to us today!