Author: Lori Jean Glass

Most of us are no strangers to bad romantic relationships. Throughout our lives, we experience a wide range of scenarios that leave us hurt in ways that make it seem like the pain will last forever. Sometimes we’re the ones to make mistakes, take the people who love us for granted and end up hurting our partners badly. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that we can’t govern our emotions or choose who we love and how much; and neither can the person we’re in a relationship with. What we can choose, however, is what we do and how we act and treat one another.

Each painful romantic experience, whether we’re the ones being hurt, or the ones hurting someone who loves us, leaves a mark that influences and shapes our future relationships and our sense of self. In usual circumstances, all these experiences teach us something – how it feels to be hurt, how it feels to be the one causing pain to others, and hopefully, how it feels to push through the bad times and finally move on. Healing from heartbreak, and learning from it, is one of life’s essential skills and, if we’re lucky, one which helps us get better at choosing partners and treating them the way we want to be treated.

Some relationships, however, leave a mark so deep that moving on from the damage they’ve caused seems impossible. Experiencing severe trauma in a romantic relationship creates emotional and psychological distress far more complex than simple heartbreak. Despite not being an officially accepted mental health diagnosis, PTRS, or post-traumatic relationship syndrome, is widely accepted by many experts as a subcategory of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

What is PTRS, Post-Traumatic Relationships Syndrome?

PTRS results from a traumatic experience of an abusive intimate relationship. As opposed to PTSD, it isn’t caused by a single traumatic incident. Instead, it’s the effect of an entire abusive relationship that can manifest itself after the relationship is over, influencing one’s emotional and psychological well-being and the way they act in subsequent relationships. After the relationship ends, the affected partner may get a new perspective on the relationship and realize that it was, in fact, abusive. As a result, they could start having trouble forming or maintaining new relationships.

In some ways, PTRS is similar to PTSD as it may manifest itself through a set of the same or similar symptoms. However, the main difference is the lack of avoidance behavior as a coping mechanism. People who suffer from PTSD do their best to block out distressing feelings and memories by avoiding triggering situations, places, people, or even objects that would make them relive the traumatic experience. Unfortunately, those suffering from PTRS may do the opposite – repeat the same behavior patterns and place themselves in similar circumstances.

Some become unconsciously drawn to toxic relationships and might continue to repeat the traumatic experience with new partners. One of the reasons for this counterintuitive behavior might be the tendency to blame themselves for the severe trauma they experienced. The feelings of guilt and shame can cause them to isolate themselves even from close friends and family and never turn to them for support, thinking they would be able to understand them.

It’s not uncommon for people suffering from PTRS to keep revisiting the experienced trauma, preventing them from moving on and healing from it. As a result, they might become unable to form safe and healthy relationships with new people or believe they don’t deserve them. In addition, their ability to trust people may become severely damaged, preventing them from trusting not only new romantic partners but family members and friends as well.

What Are The Causes Of PTRS?

The main cause of PTRS is an abusive intimate relationship. Different types of abuse can happen in a relationship, and some are not as obvious as others. It’s easier to spot the most severe ones, like physical, sexual, or highly aggressive verbal abuse. However, there are also a lot of less noticeable and nuanced behaviors that can severely undermine one’s sense of self-worth and tear down their emotional and psychological well-being. Some of the less obvious causes of PTRS and signs of a toxic relationship can include:

• Harsh criticism
• Insults
• Belittling
• Snide remarks
• Controlling or overly possessive behavior
• Gaslighting
• Emotional abuse and manipulation.

Some of the most common risk factors for PTRS could include:

• A history of abuse or trauma
• Certain types of mental health disorders
• Substance abuse
• Family history of PTSD
• Chronic stress
• Poor coping skills.

What Are The Signs And Symptoms Of PTRS?

The main signs of PTRS are pretty similar to those of PTSD, with intense emotional reactions generally related to social interactions. However, PTRS can be challenging to recognize and diagnose because its symptoms don’t appear immediately after a single isolated traumatic event. Instead, they usually develop and build up gradually, over time, as a sum of all elements of abusive behavior someone was subjected to during the entire relationship.

Affected people may feel like they did something to provoke or deserve the abuse, causing them to feel guilt or shame, and like those suffering from PTSD, they feel unsafe, out of control, and struggle with intrusive thoughts.

Other typical signs of PTRS can include:

• Getting easily irritated or angry.
• Not being able to concentrate.
• Having trouble sleeping.
• Always being on edge (hypervigilance).
• Having anxiety or panic attacks.
• Feeling unsafe.
• Difficulty trusting others.
• Feelings of loneliness.
• Isolating from people.
• Not being able to form or maintain healthy relationships.
• Jumping into new relationships too quickly.
• Self-blame.
• Shame.
• Guilt.
• Sexual dysfunction.

Another highly unpleasant and debilitating symptom that PTRS shares with PTSD is the presence of common intrusive thoughts about the abusive relationship and the trauma that the person went through. They might experience flashbacks, vivid mental images that make them feel like they’re reliving the abuse again. Nightmares about the trauma are also common, as well as intense feelings of distress triggered by thinking about the person they were in a relationship with.

How To Achieve Recovery From Trauma Of An Abusive Relationship?

Coping with the severe trauma caused by an abusive intimate relationship may require serious commitment over an extended period. The guidance of professionals with extensive experience with relationship dynamics and trauma can help you learn new coping strategies and use them to change distressing thought patterns and damaging behaviors. By adopting new ways of thinking about trauma, you will be able to gradually influence your emotional responses and overcome the traumatic experience.

You can rely on PIVOT’s relationship advocates to guide you on this challenging journey through individual sessions or by participating in small group workshops. Our Glass House retreats’ intimate setting can offer the ideal conditions for cultivating positive thoughts and regaining your strength. As a result, you can rediscover your sense of self-worth and the ability to form deep connections and maintain healthy relationships.

Developmental trauma is a term used to describe the type of trauma that happens to a person during childhood. This is a vulnerable period of emotional, cognitive, and social development. Children don’t have the ability to process and understand events the same way adults do, so any negative experiences, particularly severe ones like any type of abuse or neglect, remain deeply rooted in a child’s emotional and psychological framework.

If children are continuously overwhelmed by negative emotions they’re not equipped to understand and handle, like all human beings, they find a way of adapting to environmental circumstances and developing their survival mode emotional responses. However, they lack the tools to do so constructively and rationally, leaving them with coping mechanisms that can, in some cases, be highly damaging to their sense of self, other people, and the world as a whole.

Individuals who experienced profoundly harmful events as children (physical, emotional, sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment) may grow up to view these patterns of behavior as usual and use a set of complex and frequently maladaptive defense mechanisms to cope with their emotions and life in general. Unfortunately, relationships with others suffer the consequences of these coping mechanisms because the affected individuals might be unable to recognize and change those behaviors even when they’re safe, and there’s no objective threat.

Can Developmental Traumas Affect Adult Relationships?

When left unidentified and unaddressed, developmental traumas can affect every aspect of a person’s life. Aside from one’s self-image and the general view of the world and people around them, this type of trauma can impact all adult relationships, professional and private ones. Since emotional bonds are something we adopt very early in life, if the recovery from childhood trauma never occurs, the feelings of mistrust and danger can carry over to relationships with coworkers, friends, family, and romantic partners.

The most intimate relationships naturally make us particularly vulnerable and susceptible to the influence of unresolved traumatic experiences. This type of relationship generally carries the high potential of bringing all our insecurities to the surface, which is, to a certain degree, to be expected. Loving someone makes us vulnerable by default. However, when we add the consequences of developmental trauma into the emotional whirlwind of a romantic relationship, things can get far more complicated and sometimes very painful and challenging for both sides.

Living and loving with unresolved trauma can feel like being a scared child trapped in an adult person’s body and life. The emotions and reasoning driven by this fear and irrational thought patterns can make you negatively perceive your partner’s behavior. Particularly if you’re already struggling with a sense of low self-worth, guilt, shame, or instinctive need to protect yourself aggressively even when there’s no real threat present.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Developmental Traumas On Relationships?

Adult interpersonal relationships are primarily shaped by the relationships we had as children with our parents or caretakers. They form our relationship skills, attachment styles, and general outlook on life. If one’s childhood lacks affection, attention, and security, those feelings can become deeply ingrained and affect a person’s adult relationships in multiple ways.

Some of the most common ones include:

• Irrational fear of abandonment. It can manifest as jealousy, possessiveness, and inability to trust others.
• Establishing boundaries. Setting your own healthy boundaries and respecting other people’s is essential for mutual respect in a relationship.
• Not asking for help. As a result of not having anyone to turn to as a child, some people might feel that they can only count on themselves and avoid showing vulnerability and turning to others even in times of crisis when the emotional support of a loved one can make all the difference.
• Fear of conflict. As opposed to some trauma survivors whose emotional responses lead to escalating objectively harmless situations, others avoid conflict at all costs in an attempt to stay safe even when there’s no actual danger. Nevertheless, conflict resolution skills are a necessary part of every healthy relationship.
• Causing objectively unnecessary conflict. Dysfunctional childhood development can also cause issues regulating your emotions, leading to frequent fights, annoyance, or resentment.
• Staying in toxic relationships. Clinging to partners and relationships that are unsafe, disrespectful, or simply don’t make you happy and avoiding separation at all costs. Such relationships may be what they’re used to, so paired with the fear of abandonment, they might feel safer than being alone.
• Isolating from people. This might be viewed as independence, but it can also lead to self-destructive behavior patterns, particularly if you feel you can’t trust anybody and rely only on yourself. Self-isolation can be caused by anxiety, depression, or being overwhelmed by interaction with others.

How Can I Stop Childhood Traumas From Affecting My Relationship?

One of the essential first steps toward recovery from childhood trauma is accepting it. This, of course, doesn’t mean surrendering to it and giving up. Instead, it means acknowledging its existence, identifying the main issues, making a plan to address them, and learning better ways to respond to situations which may trigger unfavorable behavioral patterns. After recognizing and accepting that you need to change how you think and act, you can begin this transformation process.

Not knowing how to do it and where to start is perfectly normal. There are trained and highly experienced professionals that can guide you along the way and help you learn new coping strategies. There are also things you can do to help yourself. You can:

• Keep reminding yourself that healing takes time. So don’t get discouraged if you don’t feel significant improvement immediately. Sometimes you might feel like you’re stagnating, but even the smallest steps are leading you in the right direction.
• Awareness and knowledge about your issues can help you get a new perspective on your experience. For example, you can read books dealing with the type of issues you’re facing or talk to people with similar experiences.
• Sharing the details of your traumatic experience with your partner. You might not feel ready to do this for a while, but having your partner know what you’re dealing with will help them understand you better and offer support and care that might make the process easier. This, of course, applies to partners you feel safe with.
• Making your needs a priority. Working through traumatic experiences can be scary, challenging, and exhausting. Make sure to take care of yourself by eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, exercising, and taking the time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Keeping a journal and meditating can help you with emotional regulation.

Improve Your Relationships by Learning How to Cope With Developmental Trauma

Even though childhood trauma may seem like an unsurpassable obstacle in your relationship, it can certainly be overcome with commitment and proper guidance. Accepting that your developmental trauma issues are not your fault and changing your perspective will lead you to healthier thought and behavior patterns.

The extensive experience of PIVOT coaches can help you along this healing journey step by step. You can practice sharing your experiences with others in the comfortable and safe setting of Glass House retreats. Our small group workshops are guided by experienced professionals who will offer guidance and show you that building a loving and stable relationship is not an impossible ideal.

Most untreated injuries, both physical and emotional ones, either keep getting worse until we’re forced to do something about them or leave scars and damage we learn we learn to live with. Unlike physical scars, emotional and psychological ones are not as obvious. Some people might feel a vague sense that something’s wrong, while others simply accept them as a part of life. However, the effects of trauma can make our lives and relationships with other people significantly harder than they need to be.

The scars and wounds of unresolved trauma can leave us with a distorted sense of self and the people around us. They act as a filter through which we observe the world, preventing us from seeing it objectively and showing us only the bad and the scary. When we bring this type of mindset into a relationship, when we’re scared and always expecting the worst, we incorrectly attribute bad intentions to people and instinctively react to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, these reactions are often led by fear, anger, or other negative emotions.

However, trauma response is not always easy to recognize. While initial reactions to acute trauma can be overwhelming and hard to miss (fight, flight, freeze, fawn response), people with lasting unresolved trauma frequently try to bury hurtful emotions and repress painful memories. As a result, they often manifest as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and addictive or high-risk behaviors, leading to an inability to connect with others and form healthy, meaningful relationships. The causes of trauma can be different, but many symptoms and effects are quite similar.

Can Unresolved Traumas Impact Your Relationship?

People who never uncover the trauma they experienced, or alternatively, never address it, usually develop defense mechanisms to protect themselves from reexperiencing it and feeling the same pain and suffering. Unfortunately, some people’s coping mechanisms can be particularly unhealthy or ‘maladaptive’ and cause significant difficulties that prevent them from forming or maintaining healthy relationships with others. All types of relationships can get affected: the ones with friends, family, children, or romantic partners.

The main reason behind this is usually a distorted sense of self. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, have low self-esteem, and feel unworthy of attention and love, it’s easy to presume that others see us that way too. This is far from the truth. This phenomenon can be compared to twisted images of carnival mirrors that we used to find funny as children. In other words, we become unable to see ourselves objectively and recognize that others don’t see the exact same thing we see.

From where they’re standing, they could see a different distorted version without being aware of the underlying causes of your behavior, reactions, and hurt. Not expressing your fears and worries and channeling them through harmful behavior patterns can make it impossible for others to reach through to you and provide the support you need. Or they’ve been trying to do it for a long time, but the lens you’re looking through prevents you from recognizing genuine affection and love.

How Does Unresolved Trauma Impact Relationships?

All the negative events and experiences we were exposed to during childhood or as adults leave their mark on our sense of self and others. The behaviors we adopt to protect ourselves, adapt, and survive strongly influence our ability to form and maintain healthy, loving relationships. Early childhood trauma usually shapes our attachment style and sense of self-worth. But even when we experience acute trauma later in life, as adults, it can still make us feel unsafe, anxious, and mistrustful while still feeling the vital need for the comfort of a loving, healthy relationship.

This creates a specific type of ambivalent behavior that may seem very confusing to romantic partners. People with unresolved trauma can often exhibit some unhealthy behaviors that could complicate even minor issues and disagreements:

• Fear of being alone.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Difficulty trusting people.
• Controlling behavior.
• Bullying.
• Perfectionism.
• Constant fear or even panic.
• Isolating from others and pushing people away.
• Fear of change and anything new.
• Indecisiveness.
• Codependent relationships and attachment styles.
• Excessive people-pleasing.
• Needing validation from others.
• No healthy boundaries
• Self-deprecation.

People who experienced some type of acute trauma often suffer from one or more behavioral and mental health issues that prevent them from forming close connections with other people. Some of the most common emotional and mental health hardships that stand in the way of healthy relationships and attachment styles include:

• Adjustment disorders
• Acute stress disorder
• PTSD
• Mental health conditions
• Phobias
• Substance abuse
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Obsessive or compulsive behavior.

How Do You Prevent Traumas From Affecting Your Relationship?

Even when people are aware of the underlying causes of their relationship difficulties, simply knowing what the problem may be is usually not enough. Aside from being identified, trauma-related issues need to be thoroughly addressed. This might, depending on their severity, require expert guidance and support.

The first step to overcoming trauma is understanding what it is and learning about its effects. This will help you accept the fact that your issues are fixable and give you the incentive to:

• Uncover your trauma. Share it with people you trust or a professional if you feel you can’t confide in people in your life or they wouldn’t understand what you’re going through.
• Practice awareness and mindfulness. Notice what triggers negative emotions, identify them, name them, and allow yourself to feel them. Resist the urge to push them down or distract yourself away from what you’re feeling.
• Rely on your own strength and self-care for comfort. Think about the things that make you feel good about yourself and use them to lift yourself up in tricky situations.
• Notice your progress. Keeping a journal might help you get a new perspective on painful experiences and the ways you’ve been dealing with them before.
• Remember that it’s not a race. Take the time you need, and don’t get discouraged if you feel that you’re not progressing as fast as you’ve hoped. You can slow down if it gets hard and pick up where you left off when you feel ready again. 

Going through the journey of your trauma may feel long and painful, but the benefits of persisting are numerous and will help you improve your well-being and relationship dynamics. You will learn to:

• Protect yourself when necessary.
• Create boundaries.
• Become assertive.
• Find courage.
• Accurately assess danger and avoid or leave high-risk situations, including unhealthy relationships.
• Be present in the moment and your life.
• Have Compassion for yourself and others.
• Compromise.
• Listen more actively.

Learn Healthier Ways To Manage Your Trauma Response And Improve Your Relationships

By practicing more constructive thought and behavior patterns, you can unlearn harmful coping mechanisms that may have made you feel isolated, misunderstood, and unseen. PIVOT’s relationship advocates can guide you through identifying your feelings, sharing them, and connecting with others within healthy boundaries.

If you feel isolated and alone, you can address your emotions in a safe environment of a small group workshop with people with similar issues in Glass House workshops led by our experienced coaches.

Sharing our genuine feelings, thoughts, and truths about ourselves can be immensely rewarding by allowing us to form deeper connections with others. Learning how to be vulnerable can also liberate us from the restraints of self-doubt, fear, and insecurity and help us live our lives fearlessly, open to new experiences and opportunities.

However, being vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing every single detail with just anybody. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, establishing healthy boundaries and respecting them is necessary and beneficial for both sides. Boundaries are also crucial for expressing vulnerability. Sharing does help us build profound connections and empathy with other people, however we also need to respect their boundaries and preferences.

Embracing your vulnerability and being able to openly talk about yourself, your life, and even deeply personal feelings or events is healthy. However, context is everything. Sharing deeply sensitive information in inappropriate situations or among people who are not ready to offer the corresponding level of intimacy or support might lead you to conclude that your expectations were not realistic. It can backfire on you if you are not considering your “audience.”

What Is The Difference Between Vulnerability And Oversharing?

Expectations are crucial when it comes to the difference between healthy, open conversation and oversharing. If you’re unsure whether something is honest vulnerability or oversharing, consider the motives and expectations behind it by answering some of these questions:

• Why are you sharing this?
• What kind of outcome are you expecting or hoping for?
• What are you feeling while you’re sharing with others?
• What are your intentions, and do they reflect your life values?
• Would a lack of response or a particular type of response hurt your feelings?
• Do you feel that you’re connecting with the other person by sharing?
• Are you expressing your true needs?
• Do you already have a trusting relationship with the person you’re sharing with? Does the conversation topic seem appropriate for this level of trust?
• What are your expectations from the conversation? Are you taking the other person’s feelings and needs into account? Do you know and respect their boundaries?

Being vulnerable and using vulnerability are two quite different things. If the motivation for sharing is confusing or unclear, or if it seems that there are ulterior motives for someone’s apparent vulnerability, it can feel inauthentic or even manipulative to other people. Oversharing can end up being the complete opposite of genuine vulnerability and cause distrust, disconnection, and disengagement.

Instead of bringing people together, oversharing can do the complete opposite. It can feel uncomfortable for both sides. The person who overshares becomes exposed by revealing deeply personal experiences, information, or feelings with someone who isn’t capable of responding to their expectations.

Without the validation, understanding, and support they were looking for, they could end up feeling even more lonely and disconnected than before. In this case, their need for intimacy, deep connection, and belonging are not being met.

The person on the receiving end of oversharing is left baffled by the motivation and expectations of the person pouring out inappropriately intimate details about themselves. It’s hard to empathize with people when you’re suspicious about their motives or their behavior simply doesn’t correspond with the type of relationship you have.

What Are Some Signs Of Vulnerability?

People who overshare don’t usually get the reaction or response they were looking for. This can make them feel frustrated, hurt, annoyed, or even angry. Why does this happen? Why do some people feel entitled to a certain type of reaction and get aggressive if they don’t receive it?

The question to consider in this type of situation is how to be vulnerable without being needy. One of the things to keep in mind is that paying attention to and respecting other people’s boundaries makes all the difference. We don’t have the same comfort levels, so even though something may feel appropriate to you, it might not be to the other person.

People who overshare don’t just cross the line with others. By not establishing appropriate boundaries, they also fail to protect themselves and they forget about the essential benefit of vulnerability – empathy. By oversharing, they fail to empathize with others and consider the impact of their oversharing. This type of behavior pattern is not beneficial for either side.

Most people who tend to overshare may not even understand that they’re doing it or why. They might not have any bad or self-serving intentions; they could subconsciously be trying to make up for what they were missing as children and are still missing as adults who don’t healthily address their vulnerabilities. Just because we’ve grown up doesn’t mean that our brains and emotions have learned to overcome strong imprints of our unresolved childhood experiences and feelings.

Some of the most common signs of overly strong vulnerability include:

• Spending a lot of time imagining or expecting adverse outcomes in everyday life situations.
• Increased overall anxiety and avoidance behaviors.
• Constant feelings of stress and tension in relationships with others.
• Being worried about physical symptoms or illness.
• Avoiding any public exposure due to immense fear of being humiliated.
• Preparing for the worst-case scenario.

How Do You Know If You’re Being Overly Vulnerable?

Being overly vulnerable is usually described as being easily hurt. Since we’re all vulnerable and get hurt by various life circumstances, disappointments, or other people’s words and actions, it can be challenging to determine where to draw the line. None of us are perfectly equal in anything, and that includes vulnerability. So, what does ‘overly’ mean in this context? How can you tell that you’re more sensitive than others?

Some of these behaviors may point to increased vulnerability:

• Feeling intense fear that someone might discover your true feelings.
• Being afraid of the possibility that you’ll be rejected or abandoned if you show your true self.
• Not being able to share any personal information.
• Obsessing over your mistakes, not being able to forgive yourself and move past them.
• Feeling intense shame, fear, or grief.
• Not having healthy boundaries.
• Having unrealistic expectations.
• Closing off or isolating yourself from others makes you feel protected.
• Having negative thoughts about yourself and your capabilities.
• Avoiding certain everyday activities and social events.
• Frequently expecting negative outcomes.

Learn How To Be Vulnerable Without Being Needy And Open Yourself Up To New Possibilities With PIVOT

Understanding vulnerability and addressing the feelings and fears that keep you disconnected from others are only the initial steps toward accepting and loving yourself for who you genuinely are. This challenging task requires courage. it’s a struggle with feelings of not being good enough and fears of failure. Scary as it is, this is not a journey you have to go through alone. Experienced PIVOT coaches and relationship advocates can guide you along the way to help you embrace the uncertainty and allow yourself to take chances.

When you take risks and invest yourself without guarantees, you’re opening yourself up to new opportunities and the possibility of change. You can achieve self-authenticity by seeing yourself in a new light, and by changing your behavior, you also change how others see you and interact with you. In the small group setting of our Glass House workshops, we learn to be kind to ourselves and others and enrich connections and relationships with our authentic selves and our loved ones.

Many people try to numb or hide their vulnerability, to push it down and pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s no wonder that misconceptions about it are so widespread. Many people fear being vulnerable; sometimes, they’re ashamed of showing they need help, or they don’t like asking for it, to avoid the possibility of being turned down. Some will spend most of their lives living like this and pushing down all the scary or unpleasant emotions. However, not taking risks usually means missing the chance to experience joy, happiness, and love.

Avoiding vulnerability at all costs can lead to unhealthy behavior patterns and coping mechanisms like discharging pain by placing blame on others, pretending that our actions don’t affect other people, or turning the dissatisfaction toward ourselves and developing poor self-image and low self-esteem. Alternatively, if we take a chance, start listening to our emotions and allow ourselves to be seen by others as we truly are, this change of behavior can lead us to learn to truly listen and hear others too and become gentler to people around us.

Taking these steps and receiving positive reactions from others connects vulnerability and trust. It can help us feel gratitude, learn to love ourselves as we are, and bravely step out into the light with all our imperfections.

What Are Some Common Misconceptions Concerning Vulnerability?

If each of us keeps hiding our vulnerability from others and avoiding to acknowledge it, let alone talk about it, we may fall into one of the traps and common misconceptions that are perpetuated by the silence:

• Vulnerability is a weakness. Most western societies perpetuate the ideal of strength at any cost, and many of us have been taught that keeping our emotions to ourselves and projecting a picture of strength is mature behavior. Despite widespread cultural myths, vulnerability is not a weakness. In fact, sharing our emotions is very courageous, as it requires risk and inner strength.
• I am not vulnerable. Some of us may be putting up a bulletproof façade and maintaining an image of strong, independent, fearless individuals. This is also the result of fear and another myth – it’s easier to say we don’t need vulnerability in our lives than to expose ourselves to being hurt.
• Vulnerability is scary and uncomfortable. Being vulnerable means taking a risk, and that can certainly feel uncomfortable and scary. However, it’s not necessarily a negative thing. Instead, it’s our chance to grow and deepen relationships with people in our lives. 

Besides, vulnerability doesn’t include only dark emotions and bad memories. It can involve all kinds of emotions, no matter how big or small, and some of them can be related to common everyday events.

• You need trust to be vulnerable. It is often said that trust is the condition that makes it possible to open up and be vulnerable in front of someone. However, this is often false, as the possibility of connection exists in any type of genuine human interaction. It’s great when trust and vulnerability go hand in hand, yet one doesn’t guarantee the other.
• Only certain people are vulnerable. It’s a common misconception that certain people are vulnerable while others aren’t. This kind of thinking can even be damaging since it might make some people feel excluded, and the feeling of belonging is one of the most vital human needs. Being vulnerable is necessary and possible for everyone.
• Vulnerability means full disclosure. There is a clear distinction between vulnerability and full disclosure. Even though vulnerability does mean sharing a part of yourself with others, it doesn’t mean sharing absolutely everything with the world and revealing every single little detail or secret you ever had. We call this, transparency with discernment! 

Vulnerability is self-awareness and social awareness as well. Knowing what’s appropriate to share and what isn’t, particularly when forming new connections with people, is essential for understanding the core principles of becoming vulnerable.

• We can deal with everything on our own. Some people might go through most of their lives thinking that they don’t need to be vulnerable because they’re self-sufficient and there’s no need to express their feelings to others as they can deal with them on their own.

This can lead to loneliness and robbing yourself of feelings of connection and belonging. The strength people derive from the collective and the ability to communicate, plan, and work together is irreplaceable. People are biologically predisposed to depend on each other.

Is Vulnerability A Strength Or A Weakness?

Mental health professionals and therapists agree that vulnerability is definitely not a weakness. It might be easy or common to think so, particularly if we haven’t had a good role model or were influenced by inadequate parenting or distressing early life experiences. Some of us might have become scared of being vulnerable later in life after having gone through certain disappointments that made us overly cautious.

The feeling of shame and fear of failure are commonly associated with a tendency to isolate ourselves and hide our sincere feelings, thoughts, and needs from others. However, even though being vulnerable and showing it exposes us to great emotional risk and uncertainty, it has a very significant adaptive role. Finding the courage to be honest can lead to unexpected new experiences, changes, creativity, and innovation.

By surrendering to vulnerability and letting our guard down, we can finally allow ourselves to be truly seen as we are and feel accepted and loved for it. The feeling of not being worthy can slowly dissipate, and we can begin to form stronger and more meaningful connections. When we’re loved for who we truly are, we can finally experience a powerful sense of belonging and worthiness. However wonderful it feels to be accepted and loved by others, it’s even more important that we ourselves believe we’re worthy and loveable.

How Can I Begin To Appreciate My Vulnerability?

Learning to appreciate your vulnerability, despite viewing it as being a challenging process, is the best way to begin leaning into vulnerability. Trying to stifle it usually leads to feelings of low self-esteem, shame, loneliness, isolation, and, quite often, even deeper issues like depression and anxiety. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, we’re all vulnerable. That’s the way we’re born, and the only choice we have about it is how we’re going to shape those feelings. We get to decide if we’re going to make the most of them.

One of the main benefits of vulnerability is certainly empathy. Empathy helps us connect with other people by being able to understand how they feel because we understand how we feel. All human feelings, good or bad, are quite universal. Forming strong, open, deep connections with friends, family, or romantic partners is what makes embracing our vulnerability worthwhile.

If we manage to overcome our fear of failure, we’ll realize that vulnerability is essential for learning. Making mistakes, accepting them, and learning from them can lead to personal growth. By accepting that we’re not perfect and that there’s nothing wrong with that, we also accept that others aren’t either and that they also make mistakes and deserve to be forgiven and understood. This acceptance is a valuable opportunity for spiritual and emotional growth.

How To Build Trust And Connection By Accepting And Appreciating Your Vulnerability

Accepting vulnerability leads to forming more vital and more profound connections, both with our true selves and with other people in our lives. If you’re unsure where to start, PIVOT’s experienced coaches can guide you through this rewarding process step by step. Struggling with vulnerability expands our perception by teaching us to work on our flaws while risking judgment. Fighting the fear of being ridiculed or shamed helps us realize that, even though imperfect, we are worthy of love.

Immerse yourself in a life-changing experience of one of our Glass House retreats. Our intimate group workshops can help you brave through the fear. We can solidify our strengths and change how we perceive ourselves and others. As a result, we can grow both professionally and privately and become better friends, parents, and romantic partners.

Emotional vulnerability can be highly confusing, particularly if we’re used to thinking of it as a weakness. However, being vulnerable for many, leads to letting go of the false ideal of perfectionism. You might have heard it many times: “Perfect is the enemy of good.” Mainly because perfection doesn’t exist.

Trying to pursue it is a dead end, and instead of wasting your energy, maybe it’s time to find out what emotional vulnerability can teach you. If you allow yourself to explore your genuine, most profound feelings, insecurities, fears, and imperfections, you might discover new space for innovation, creativity, and change.

What Are The Different Types Of Vulnerability?

There are many aspects to all human beings; we’re friends, partners, children, parents, employees, and members of the community we live in. Vulnerability in each of these areas can emerge in slightly different ways, and dealing with them may require specific approaches.

• Vulnerability in relationships. Human beings have their own needs and expectations from romantic partners, friends, and family. However, the fear of judgment, abandonment, or rejection keeps us scared to express our true desires openly.
• Your mind and body can also be vulnerable and usually express themselves in ways we often misinterpret. Learn to notice and listen to what they’re trying to tell you. A lot of emotional or psychological stress can show up in the form of physical symptoms.
• Vulnerability in the workplace can be a particularly tricky one. You might be comparing yourself to a colleague and doubting your skills, capability, or knowledge. Of course, there’s more to learn. That goes for everyone, not just you.
• In your community. This type of vulnerability can significantly differ according to where you live. Still, the common denominator is the abundance of decisions you need to make each day to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. Fear of the unknown and social anxiety are common signs of being overly vulnerable within a community. In those cases, you could try removing yourself from distressing situations and seeking professional help.

What Can Vulnerability Teach You?

Accepting vulnerability and fighting the urge to hide it as deeply as possible from everyone, including yourself, means you’re ready for change. So, what can vulnerability teach you?

• Accepting that you’re vulnerable takes humility. Just as everyone else makes mistakes and goes on with their lives, so do you. It doesn’t make us failures; it means we’re imperfect. 
• Creating a sense of worthiness and belonging. Instead of pushing down your insecurities and weaknesses, you can acknowledge them and learn to value yourself for everything you truly are. If you can love yourself as you are and feel worthy of love, other people will perceive it too. After all, you’re the one defining the standards.
• Being courageous. This means facing your fears, difficulties, danger, and pain. Vulnerability helps you take those risks repeatedly. The possibility of going through distressing experiences by being authentic and showing your vulnerabilities requires courage.
• Asking for help. None of us can do everything on our own, or the human species wouldn’t survive. Sometimes you’ll feel strong and self-sufficient, and when you don’t, remember there’s no shame in admitting you need help and seeking it out.
• Not turning off your emotions selectively. You need to feel both the good and the bad. Of course, there will be disappointments, but how else would you know what happiness feels like?
• Allowing yourself to be genuine and vulnerable to others. It can make you feel alive and bring unexpected joy and gratitude for learning that you’re worthy and loved. This realization can make you kinder to yourself and others.

Why Is Vulnerability Important For Emotional Growth?

Even if your fears and insecurities make you want to hide and put up a wall around them, you might find out that the walls you build also keep the good things from getting in. Don’t let them hinder your growth.

• Self-awareness is one of the most crucial factors determining emotional growth. Vulnerability can help you recognize harmful defense mechanisms and blind spots. For example, trying to avoid physical pain is something we instinctively do, and the same goes for emotional distress. If we learn to recognize these moments and change our behavior, we can create new habits and healthier behavior patterns.
• Allows your authenticity to shine through. Many of us present confident personalities that we want to be likable and pleasing to others. The very thought of letting that image crumble can seem terrifying. However, just as you need to trust people in your life to be genuine, they need the same from you. Let yourself be seen the way you truly are, and the right people will reveal themselves. It’s exhausting putting up a false façade. 
• Becoming the best version of yourself is a strong motivator for most of us. One of the best ways to achieve the peace necessary for realizing your full potential is to understand who you are and why you behave the way you do. When you identify your strengths and weaknesses, you will know what needs to be revealed, what can be improved, and what needs to be accepted.
• Mindfulness, or being fully present in the moment you’re experiencing, is crucial for developing empathy and recognizing all the emotional and social cues that can help you identify your own and other people’s feelings.
• Fosters new and more meaningful connections. If you allow people to see the real you, with all your imperfections and insecurities, and get positive feedback, it will make you value those people more, and vice versa.
• Vulnerability can also help you build a healthier mindset. This means that changing your perception can influence your mental health and well-being, improving your personal and professional life.
• It brings change and reveals new opportunities. Expressing your vulnerabilities simultaneously with your strengths creates genuine connections with people who can appreciate you for everything you are. You may find new and unexpected allies in people you haven’t been close with before.

Is There A Positive Correlation Between Vulnerability And Empathy?

After learning how to be vulnerable with yourself, you can begin building up the courage to feel uncomfortable in various situations and in front of other people, despite your instincts telling you to avoid this at all costs. However, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and recognize and express your deepest fears, emotions, and genuine thoughts builds self-awareness, mindfulness, and courage to relate to others. By doing this, we are experiencing empathy.

Empathy is one of the most valuable skills we can have. We can recognize and understand other people’s emotions because we know those same emotions within ourselves. Empathy is intricately connected to vulnerability because if we’re not in touch with our own emotions, we can’t have the ability to notice them in others.

When we learn to connect our emotions to specific events, behaviors, or circumstances, we can also recognize when other people are going through similar personal experiences. This allows us to understand each other and feel for each other. That way, by sharing our vulnerability with others, we build stronger connections and trust.

This is particularly important when it comes to people closest to us, our family, friends, and romantic partners. Empathy teaches us to listen to and connect with others, leading to emotional growth.

PIVOT Helps You Experience Emotional Growth By Being Vulnerable 

Vulnerability, as frightening and risky as it may seem, teaches us many lessons about ourselves and others. It helps us form healthier relationships and behavior patterns through honest communication. PIVOT’s experienced coaches can guide you through identifying and accepting your vulnerabilities.

Since empathy is one of the most valuable skills born out of vulnerability, small group workshops can provide an ideal setting for practicing mindfulness and awareness of your feelings and those of others. As a result, you can start your personal growth in one of our Glass House retreats, find new courage to express yourselves, and build healthier, trusting relationships.