Lori Jean Glass

Engulfment In Intimacy: What It Is & How To Cope

Posted on August 10, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

While most people strive to establish a fulfilling and lasting romantic relationship, most have wondered whether they have lost their sense of individuality by becoming a couple. It’s not uncommon to feel like you’re sacrificing your individuality for the sake of the relationship and your partner.

While you may be dealing with actual codependency, these feelings may just be prompted by your unfounded fears. They may also be a signal of tapping into some intimacy problems in your relationship. Continue reading to learn more about relationship engulfment, its potential causes, and healthy solutions to this problem.

What Are Signs Of Relationship Engulfment?

Engulfment or enmeshment denotes a state in a relationship where boundaries are unclear or practically non-existent. Here are some tell-tale signs that may indicate you’re dealing with engulfment in your relationship:

Emotions may become blurred, to the point of not discerning between positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy, and your own and the other person’s feelings. You may unconsciously seek negativity and instability, as it “feels like home” from untreated family of origin attachment wounds.
Individuality feels like selfishness. Attempts to think and act independently are sabotaged by guilt, criticism, and anxiety. You may put your own identity aside, as your partner defines who you are.
You’re focused on pleasing others, where you truly believe that your feelings and needs aren’t equally important. This is more likely to make you susceptible to all kinds of manipulation and people-pleasing behavior.
How you feel depends on another person. While you may think you’re just being empathetic, letting your partner’s feelings influence your own to the extent that your mood reflects theirs at times isn’t healthy.
You feel like you have to play the role. For example, it can be a role of a caregiver, a victim of circumstances, or a savior of your emotionally unstable partner. It may make you feel like you don’t have a right to take a break or make room for some personal space as things may fall apart without your help.
You fear conflict. You employ different tactics to appease your partner. If you do enter a conflict, you may either withdraw as you don’t know how to voice your disagreement, or act out of affect, without considering the consequences fully.
It’s up to you to fix things. Whatever goes wrong, you may feel the duty to roll up your sleeves and repair the damage. For example, if there’s a disagreement, you may be quick to compromise your values and wishes.

What Is The Difference Between Enmeshment And Codependency?

A codependent person enables or rescues another person who acts out in a variety of ways. They can be physically or emotionally abusive toward you, neglectful or distant, or abuse substances as a way to cope with their unresolved trauma.

Enmeshment can be seen as one of the aspects of codependency. It’s not only about reliance or being consumed by your partner. Your sense of self and identity can become deeply intertwined with them. You may adopt the way they talk and behave, take their set of beliefs as your own, and ignore your initial likes and dislikes to appease them. Even though their demands may not be expressed outright, you’re susceptible to their cues and do everything you can to keep them by your side.

What Is Enmeshment Or Engulfment Trauma?

While emotional neglect is known to be harmful in childhood, too much parental attention and care may also do harm. This is the primary meaning of engulfment or enmeshment trauma. One example is “helicopter parenting”, where parents become overbearing and controlling, trying to cater to all needs and prevent any negative outcome. Given that this is usually impossible, an overprotected child can grow up with a strong feeling of inadequacy and guilt.

Another example is when a child is put into a pseudo-parental role, having to cater to the emotional needs of one of the parents. For example, a mom could be complaining to her daughter about her spouse, expecting counsel and support. This can be further complicated by emotional neglect or abuse by one of the parental figures. This inversion of familial roles can lead to difficulties establishing secure attachment in your adult relationships.

An adult that was stripped away from their opportunity to be adequately cared for in childhood is likely to seek dysfunctional and narcissistic partners, as that’s the type of relationship they have most experience with. However, you may also develop a completely opposite strategy in dealing with intimacy, abandoning partners or friends whenever they get too close, which may be equally unhealthy.

What Does Fear Of Engulfment Look Like?

If you didn’t grow up in an enmeshed household and your parents neglected your needs for affection and care, you could find it difficult later on to accept closeness, interdependence, and intimacy.

This can also result from childhood engulfment trauma or even a relationship-related trauma in adulthood that can cause you to shift your attachment pattern. You may start to fear any type of emotional relationship as invasive, unfair, or generally harmful for you. This may lead you to develop avoidant attachment style characteristics and face difficulties in maintaining long-term relationships.

Fortunately, you may work on steadily reconnecting and investing more time and energy in your relationship in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your sense of independence, yet it might be a long journey to take.

How Do You Overcome Enmeshment In Intimacy?

Whether you fear feeling engulfed or you have a history of codependency and enmeshment in your intimate relationships, there are ways to be better prepared, become aware of these patterns, and learn how to handle them:

Set Internal Boundaries

Clear internal boundaries are one of the essential tenets of a healthy relationship. However, if you haven’t learned how to set them, you may need some time to first map out situations where you usually don’t draw the line. You may want to learn when to say “No” and how to negotiate your needs.

Discover Yourself

While selflessness might sound noble and altruistic, it’s not the same as a lack of a strong sense of self. If you’re constantly seeking guidance, approval, or validation from the person to who you emotionally cater, you’re likely to lose your identity in the process.

Overcome Guilt

This is not an easy task, as it requires breaking away from the expectations of your parents, partner, and close friends. Set your goals, focus on your needs, and keep the bigger picture in mind. You may soon develop a new role for yourself and play by your own script.

Get Support

Breaking an enmeshed or codependent pattern of behavior doesn’t mean that you have to be left to your own devices. Seek support from family members and friends that went through a similar situation, or talk to a professional. If you’re both willing to work together on becoming a functional, healthy couple, find an environment where you can talk about everything openly and without shame.

Who Offers Experience-Based Relationship Intimacy Coaching Exercises?

Our relationship coaches are at your service if you aim to PIVOT from your old mindset and adopt a new perspective on your marriage or long-term relationship. Whether you wish to discuss intimacy in your marriage as a couple in our Glasshouse environment or get acquainted with your emotional functioning in an individual coaching setting, we have you covered.

We can help you work on reconnecting, developing healthy strategies to grow as a couple, find creative ways to revive excitement and passion in your marriage and many more. Reach out to us to find out how you can benefit from our Glasshouse retreat!

How To Develop A Healthy Attachment Style

Posted on August 10, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Breaking away from your habits is rarely an easy undertaking. If you’ve ever tried to give up a pattern of behavior, you know that it takes much more than just making a decision. The same may apply to a cycle of addictive, love avoidant, or abusive relationship patterns.

The dynamic in most romantic relationships relies heavily on mutually compatible common attachment styles. You may wonder about the very nature of your common attachment style and why it developed the way it did.

By understanding how you relate to your romantic partners, you’ll be more likely to gain better control and a more realistic sense of self, which can become a basis for a healthy relationship. Keep reading to find out what it takes to discover your attachment style and potentially change it.

Can Adults Change Their Attachment Style?

You’re probably wondering about the meaning of the word “attachment”, and how many different styles there are. Attachment is a strong feeling, affection, and emotional connection to another person. It’s a trait that starts developing in infancy when a baby starts showing certain preferences towards a particular caregiver. After about ten months, the infant will start to grow bonds with other people. These early experiences are the foundation of your future intimate relationships.

These styles of emotional connection can be seen as persistent patterns of feeling, thinking, and behavior. There are four basic types:

Anxious – this style is characterized by emotional neediness, a desperate need to be with others, and low-self esteem. It is usually linked with inconsistent parenting.
Avoidant – the people described as avoidant tend to easily detach, prefer their independence over everything else, and have issues establishing or handling intimacy. They are usually afraid of commitment and may feel smothered when approached by people who care.
Ambivalent – this style combines fear of abandonment and contradictory needs for distancing and belonging. As children, these people didn’t get the right kind of emotional attention. It may feel as if you’re stuck and waiting for others to make decisions for you.
Secure – this style combines feelings of adequacy among people with the ability to be on their own, demonstrating high levels of self-acceptance, trust in other people, ability to self-reflect in intimate relationships, and to set clear and healthy boundaries.

What we know to be true is that most people can exhibit all the four styles above depending on who they are attaching too! Yes, most people have a common style, especially in a romantic relationship, however, the other styles are also present at times! Be careful not to lock yourself in with a “label” by taking an online assessment test and think you only have one type of attachment!

Do Attachment Styles Vary Across Relationships?

You may wonder if you’ve been consistent in your relationship patterns and whether your partners somehow influenced your attachment style. While your early experiences probably played a much more important role in shaping how you relate and behave in your intimate relationships, some partners could’ve played a similar role, stirring you towards the position you’re in at the moment.

Can Adult Trauma Change Your Attachment Style?

Childhood experiences, especially traumatic ones, seem to be crucial in shaping adult attachment styles, as well as other personality traits. As for traumatic events that occur in adulthood, you may expect a slight shift in your attachment pattern.

For example, in the case of a tragic loss of a significant other, you can feel guilty or lost when seeking emotional comfort. Or, after an unexpected and complicated divorce, you could lose faith in love or develop disdain and resentment towards your ex or any prospective future partner. Finally, after leaving an abusive relationship, you can become insecure and emotionally distant in your future relationships, or express a higher level of anxiety and neediness.

Since every traumatic event is tangled with a sense of loss, shock, and disorientation, it takes time to heal, and it can lead to temporary or permanent changes in how you relate to your partner, family members, and love interests, or friends. If you do have strong coping skills and a support network that will help you get back on track, you might not see so much of the disturbance.

Can Attachment Styles Change For The Worse?

Unfortunately, in some relationships, emotional patterns can become more dysfunctional over time. Many factors contribute, for instance, if your avoidant or anxious traits are consistently met with positive reinforcement, you may start to employ more avoidant, manipulative, or narcissistic tactics to get what you want.

You might start to make compromises and stay in unhealthy relationships despite emotional neglect or abuse.

How Do You Develop A Secure Attachment Style?

It’s possible to make significant changes over time and feel better about yourself – and yourself in relationship to others. If your primary issue is fear of abandonment, not being seen, not feeling like you are enough, then you may need to focus on self-acceptance. If your goal is to overcome strong emotional outbursts and feelings of inadequacy, your focus may be more on monitoring, controlling, and understanding your emotions.

Learn And Practice Anger Management

A healthy way to curb outbursts would be to learn how to handle your emotions more tactfully and patiently. You can learn to acknowledge a level of disagreement or frustration without lashing out. Instead, learn to communicate your discontent respectfully with your significant other and with people in general. This may give your relationship a chance to survive and grow stronger.

Learn How To Express Emotions Constructively

Learning how to express yourself emotionally doesn’t mean silencing your voice, suppressing anger, or expressing only the positive. It may be crucial to identify the source of your frustration, rather than to play the victim card, or the blame game. It involves a great deal of accountability, transparency, and honesty toward yourself and your partner. Messy conversations can be healthy.

Adopt Mindfulness And Pay Attention To Your Thoughts

To overcome anxiety and identify ineffective or outdated coping mechanisms, you may practice a series of easy mindfulness exercises. Learn how to monitor your thoughts, control your breathing, name your feelings, and identify triggers. This may give you a better understanding of your inner unconscious or subconscious dynamic and provoke you to further explore your relationship.

Get To Know Yourself Better

This usually means getting out of the ordinary and leaving your comfort zone. For example, you could try out a new hobby. Explore your favorite topics from different angles. You may want to introduce some risk into your routine. Let loose of your controls. Break some unspoken promises and see how it unravels. Try getting back on your feet despite your prejudices and insecurities. Equip yourself with some new insights and move on. See how it reflects on your relationship.

Boost Your Self-Esteem

Every success has humble beginnings. You may seek out your validation out of something small and measurable. Start small, and then move on to bigger pursuits. You may help your self-esteem by changing your general lifestyle, taking care of your diet, exercise, and health in general, and writing a diary. Finally, you may reward yourself for making conscious positive decisions that go against your habitual, albeit dysfunctional gut feeling.

Get Rid Of Unhealthy And Counterproductive Connections

When you’re committed to change and personal growth, you may need to clean up your connections. Hit the pause button on friendships that are robbing you of your time and energy. Identify toxic patterns of behavior. See how you can take better care of yourself. Focus on relationships that are based on trust and acceptance.

Lean On The Support Of Friends And Family

When working out your way to finding new strategies to deal with emotional attachment, you may first seek resources for your needs of safety and acceptance. In an ideal world, you may wish to cling to support from a securely attached partner to help you shift your perspective. A more likely scenario would be to seek support from your close friends and family members in overcoming times of emotional crisis.

Seek Professional Help

You don’t need to struggle all alone since the assistance of experienced relationship coaches is readily available. Although you may achieve significant progress on your own, leaning on the knowledge and experience of a non-biased listener might be the missing piece that can aid recovery and personal growth.

Where Can We Find Insightful Codependent Relationship Intensives?

When you aspire to break away from unhealthy attachment and relieve yourself of guilt, anxiety, and self-loathing, you can PIVOT at one of our retreats. Our relationship advocates can help you discuss and uncover many important topics such as the importance of respecting personal space and privacy in intimacy and overcoming emotional enmeshment in your relationship. With our help, you can discover the sources of conflicts and find new ways to reintroduce passion and excitement to your marriage.

You can work on your marriage intimacy or long-term relationship goals in a couple-focused setting or unpack your attachment history in one-on-one coaching sessions. Reach out to us to find out how you can benefit from our help!

Understanding Disagreement & Bickering In Marriage

Posted on August 10, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Couples often find themselves disagreeing or bickering with one another, especially as they try to juggle the demands of work, family, and home life. While disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, they can also be a sign that something is out of balance.

If couples find themselves disagreeing more often than they’d like, it may be time to consider a couples retreat or relationship workshop. These programs can help couples learn new skills for communicating with one another and managing conflict.

In addition, couples may also benefit from a codependency intensive workshop, which can help them understand and break the patterns of codependent behavior that may be contributing to the disagreements.

Whether you decide to seek professional support or not, you can greatly benefit from being informed on the topic of disagreement vs arguing.

Why Do Married Couples Bicker?

It’s normal for married couples to disagree and bicker from time to time. In fact, it can be healthy for relationship growth. However, there are some disagreements that can lead to serious marital problems if they’re not resolved effectively.

If you find yourself constantly arguing with your spouse or feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells” around them, it’s important to seek help from a relationship coach who can help you improve communication and resolve conflict in a healthy way – before more damage is done.

There are many different reasons why married couples may bicker and argue. Some common causes of marital conflict include:

Different parenting styles
Money problems
Trust issues
Lack of communication
Different expectations for the relationship
Lack of personal space
Jealousy
Unresolved childhood trauma
Feeling disconnected or detached

Is Bickering The Same As Arguing?

Arguing and bickering are often used interchangeably. However, they’re actually two very different things. Arguing is a form of disagreement that happens when two people can’t see eye to eye on something.

It’s usually characterized by raised voices, name-calling, and a general feeling of animosity. Bickering, on the other hand, is much less serious. It’s more like good-natured teasing or playful banter. Bickering usually doesn’t involve any real anger or hostility.

Why is it that bickering so often leads to arguing? It’s important to understand that bickering is often just a mask for deeper feelings of frustration or insecurity.

When you’re constantly bickering with your partner, it can be a sign that you’re not feeling heard or appreciated. Bickering can also be a way of deflecting attention from bigger issues in the relationship.

If you find yourself bickering with your partner more often than you’d like, it’s important to take a step back and try to understand what’s really going on. Is there something bigger that you’re avoiding?

Are you feeling neglected or unimportant? Are you having a hard time finding your voice and just shutting down? Once you identify the root cause of the bickering, you can start to work on addressing it. If these issues are left unaddressed, they can often become the origin of divorce.

Is Bickering Healthy In A Relationship?

It’s no secret that marriage isn’t easy all the time. Couples will inevitably disagree and even fight from time to time. However, what many people don’t realize is that disagreement and bickering can actually be healthy for a marriage. One of the things to consider before separating is whether the bickering in your marriage is a signal to dig deeper and find what’s wrong as opposed to just leaving the relationship. Often, people find that they are fighting the wrong fight!

Of course, it’s important to learn how to argue constructively so that the disagreement doesn’t turn into a full-blown conflict. There are certain types of disagreements that are best avoided altogether. However, in general, disagreement and even bickering can actually be beneficial for a marriage.

For one thing, it shows that both spouses are willing to stand up for themselves and their beliefs. This can be especially important when it comes to raising children or making financial decisions. If both spouses are willing to compromise at times, it can be beneficial for decisions that are in the best interest of the relationship as a whole.

Disagreement can also help to keep a marriage fresh and exciting. By disagreeing from time to time, couples can keep things interesting and learn new things about each other.

What Does A Healthy Disagreement Look Like?

There are a few key things to keep in mind when trying to understand disagreements and bickering in marriage. First, it’s important to remember that every couple is different. What may be perfectly healthy for one couple may not be so healthy for another.

There is no single right or wrong way to disagree with your spouse. However, there are some general guidelines that can help you determine whether your disagreements are healthy or not.

For example, healthy disagreements tend to be more civil and respectful than those that devolve into fighting. Couples who are able to disagree without getting defensive or attacking one another are usually doing quite well.

Another key difference between healthy disagreements and bickering is the way in which they’re resolved. Healthy disagreements are typically resolved fairly quickly, with both parties feeling like they’ve been heard and understood. On the other hand, disagreements that turn into quarrels can often drag on for days, weeks, or even longer, with no real resolution in sight.

Where Do I Go For A Couples Retreat That Offers A Relationship Workshop Or A Codependency Intensive?

Couples who are looking to strengthen their relationship can benefit from attending a workshop together. Our workshops at PIVOT provide an opportunity to learn new skills and tools for communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy.

You will be able to learn more about your attachment style as well as how to recognize and avoid relationship engulfment. In addition, they offer a chance to connect with other couples who are facing similar challenges.

You will be able to see which of your may be reasons for divorce and how to stop divorce by dealing with them in a healthy way. By attending a Glass House Retreat workshop together, couples can gain a new sense of shared purpose and cooperation and reintroduce excitement into their marriage. As a result, workshops can be an invaluable resource for couples who want to deepen their connection and build a lasting relationship. We also offer comprehensive individual services to help you work on yourself. Reach out to us today to learn more about what we can do for you.

Relationship Burnout: How To Recognize & Overcome It

Posted on May 30, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

What is your idea of a happy marriage or a long-term committed relationship? You’ll probably have an image of a couple that ticks all the boxes, with romantic feelings fading into the background, being replaced with a sense of certainty, security, and trust. However, as with many other things in life, there’s usually a challenge for the married couple that can lead them to question their feelings at some point.

Have you experienced periods when you felt the need to back off or just wanted to give up? One way to approach such situations is to work on your relationship building skills by attending professionally-led workshops, and learning how to strengthen your bond and your individual potential. If you’re afraid that you’ve reached a point where you need to withdraw or take a break from your marital commitment, keep reading.

What Is Marriage Burnout?

In a very similar fashion to career burnout, marital or marriage burnout manifests as a period of intense psychological and physical draining and exhaustion. It is oftentimes the result of one of the partners providing love, care, and support, whereas not receiving the same amount of attention in return. It can also be an outcome of bitter conflicts and heated arguments between spouses, and general disappointment with how their relationship changed. It can be seen as a moment in your relationship when the excitement and jubilance of romantic love fade away, leaving room for feelings of resentment. It can also arise after a very stressful period

Is Burnout In A Relationship Normal?

If you’re in a committed relationship that lasts a decade or longer, or you’ve gone through a stressful period with many changes, you’re likely to experience burnout at some point. It can be a perfectly normal reaction to an overwhelming situation. And, of course, it doesn’t mean that you need to split up and start living separate lives. If you do feel guilty for being exhausted or detached, it’s probably time to pose some questions.

It could also serve as a wake-up call: a reminder to allocate time to care for your own needs, have an honest conversation with each other, listen carefully, spend some quality time together, and relieve yourself of the constant tension. However, you may need to discern whether you’re going through a passing phase or you’re becoming emotionally distant and neglectful.

How Do You Know If You’re Emotionally Exhausted?

When you’re going through a rough period as a couple, you can start feeling like you’re on the end of your wits. Although the symptoms may vary from one person to another, these are some of the signs of emotional exhaustion:

Loss of hope. You can feel hopeless about the future of your relationship, or have a general feeling of despair and uncertainty.
Lack of motivation. You may struggle to get into the mood to work, socialize, spend time together with your partner, do chores, and engage in hobbies.
Sleeping problems. Some people experience the inability to fall asleep, others tend to wake up too early, which is a clear sign of stress and lingering worries.
General irritability. Although you could say that you feel fine, you can come across as nervous and on edge when approached by your partner or other people.
Headaches. Sometimes, prolonged stress leads to painful physical symptoms, and you might develop chronic headaches, dizziness, or migraines.
Fatigue and lack of energy. Being emotionally exhausted means that you’ll feel physically drained as well. This will reflect in lowered energy levels and sleepiness
Apathy. When you’ve invested your energy and emotions into your relationship, and were met with invalidation or neglect, you’re likely to act and feel apathetic and cynical.
Absent-mindedness. You’ll probably have moments when your mind just wanders and you’re unable to focus or follow through with a conversation.

Can I Feel Emotional Burnout After A Relationship Ends?

If you went through a complicated and unexpected breakup, divorce, or separation, you can also experience burnout. You might be trying to cope with the effects of emotional trauma, and you need time to recover. The signs can include the following:

You’re ambivalent or cynical about dating a significant amount of time after your breakup
You find little or no enjoyment in meeting potential romantic partners
You tend to have bad recollections of your former relationship or see it as meaningless, painful, or a waste of time.

What Causes Relationship Burnout?

In terms of emotional investment, you can understand the burnout situation as an imbalance between what you’re giving and what you receive in return. There are, of course, other factors that can contribute to the feeling of emotional exhaustion:

A failed expectation that your relationship will give a more profound meaning to your life
Unclear boundaries, lack of personal space or time for self-care
Cycles of repeated fighting, misunderstandings, and tension
Periods of work or family-related stress, and lack of support between partners
Boring or exhausting daily routines and incomplete assignments
Certain patterns of relationship addiction lead to outbursts of jealousy, resentment, and helplessness, burdening your partner, and it may cause you both to feel emotionally drained.

How Do You Fix Burnout In A Relationship?

When you’re willing to work and salvage your marriage after an emotionally tense and exhausting period, you may first consider evaluating the issue. Look closely at how you feel and how long it has been bothering you. Whether you’re recovering from a period of intense fighting or trying to rekindle your marriage after a period of separation, these tips might be useful:

Take Care Of Yourself

Be careful and mindful of your resources, of your physical and mental health, and devote time to work on your strengths and potential. By doing this, you’ll be more likely to build resilience to future challenges.

Don’t Forget To Talk

Communication is key to resolving any difficult situation. Open and honest conversation, without putting blame on the other person, will shed some light on what path to take as a couple. This way you’ll be able to recognize where you are in your relationship, whether you’re bonding over trauma, and how to move forward.

Practice Active Listening

Surely, you will be there to listen to what your partner has to say. However, don’t suppose that you understand everything and that you mean the exact same things. Try to carefully paraphrase what they said and openly ask “Have I understood you correctly?”.

Confide In Each Other

Intimacy and confidentiality are some of the most important tenets of married life. Some people tend to seek support from friends, family members, and their children when feeling emotionally drained. While it might be perfectly okay to have some type of support outside of your marriage, keeping your secrets from your significant other can create an atmosphere of mistrust.

Be Honest About Your Needs

Try to be frank with yourself and your partner when talking about your needs, whether it’s more personal space, more quality time together, or whether you need more support in terms of sharing household and parental duties.

Show Appreciation

You may try to show that you appreciate your partner, not only in words. Showing that you truly care about each other despite the hurdles can help you overcome burnout and recharge your batteries. This way, if you reciprocate, you’ll show that you’re not taking each other for granted.

Introduce Variety In Your Marital Life

If you’re feeling fed up and frustrated with some of your rituals, talk to your spouse and try to do something new and exciting, start a new hobby, find a new favorite place, try new food, break the routine, and surprise your spouse.

Balance Excitement And Trust

To recover and rekindle your relationship after burnout, it’s best to find a fine balance between passion and excitement on one hand and trust, security, and commitment on the other.

Who Offers Beneficial Couple Relationship Management Workshops For Married Couples And Individuals?

When you’re ready to work on your relationship or marriage and PIVOT from your current situation, we can help you with our team of trained and dedicated relationship advocates. You can count on us to ensure you manage your separation or divorce anxiety and work on your personal growth or provide you with helpful tools to revive and put your relationship on a path of recovery. Whatever you choose, we’re here to provide supportive and experience-based coaching and retreat.

How To Deal With Emotional Neglect In Marriage

Posted on May 30, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Being in a relationship means taking on many commitments. Whether you’re happily engaged, married, or just started dating, you have the feeling that you’re doing things for each other effortlessly. You’ll probably go through this phase without having to give it too much thought.

However, what if you start feeling a sense of loneliness in your marriage? Although you feel that you respect, love, and cherish your significant other, it can come to a situation where you feel like something is missing. This can be a sense of longing or the mere realization that you’re no longer spending enough time together. This may mean that your partner has become emotionally detached.

These may all be valid doubts, and many people turn to couple workshops for deepening relationships in order to find the answers to pressing issues. Read on to learn more about emotional neglect in long-term relationships and how to overcome it.

Why Do I Feel Lonely In My Marriage?

While you might be familiar with the feeling of anxiety and loneliness among people in general, such feelings seem to be a bit out-of-place in a committed, romantic relationship. There can be several reasons why you or your spouse may feel neglected or forgotten by the other person:

Childhood emotional neglect: This can be a traumatic experience that may follow you well into adulthood and can have severe effects on how you relate with other people and how you build relationships. Some adults who were emotionally neglected or deprived in childhood tend to seek partners who are to some degree emotionally detached or neglectful as well.
Insecure attachment pattern: It usually involves having poor boundaries, unrealistic expectations, love addiction, and persistent fear of separation and abandonment. This can also be a result of earlier trauma and experiences in previous relationships.
A recent traumatic experience: Trauma can create distance between you and your spouse, and open a number of unresolved questions. Psychological wounds need time and processing to fully heal, and this sometimes causes deeper bonding after the traumatic event, and sometimes shows us as withdrawal from your partner.
You or your partner are trying to cope with emotional burnout: You can’t devote enough energy and time like before, despite the best intentions. This can be a way to recharge, so it’s probably best to talk it out and remain patient.
Your partner is consciously or unconsciously ignoring your needs: They may be disregarding them as silly, immature, or “just too much”. If that is the case, you’re most likely dealing with emotional neglect.

What Does Emotional Neglect Do To A Person?

Emotional neglect can be roughly defined as a situation in which the emotional needs of an individual are invalidated, overlooked, or disregarded by their significant other or parent. While verbal and physical abuse can be more or less obivous, emotional neglect is often not easy to identify and recognize. It doesn’t leave any visible bruises, at least not at first glance.

It revolves around the absence of doing what is necessary and beneficial for the significant other, and it can reflect through:

The feeling of low self-worth or poor self-esteem
Persistent feelings of emptiness
Disconnection from others
Guilt for not being able to trust other people

How Does Emotional Neglect Affect Attachment Relationships?

Relationships rely greatly on validation and support from each of the partners. If there’s emotional neglect in your marriage or long-term relationship, you are likely to have the following experiences:

You might feel abandoned by your partner
Your partner can seem absent-minded or shut down when you talk
You’re not socializing together anymore
You seek emotional support from your friends
You tend to consistently suppress your emotions
You don’t trust your significant other anymore
You have a tendency to procrastinate with big decisions in life
You have stopped being physically intimate as you used to

Can A Marriage Survive Emotional Detachment?

Sudden and unexpected emotional detachment can have harmful effects on your marriage. However, it all depends on other factors as well. Keep in mind that temporary emotional detachment is, in some cases, a way to overcome traumatic and stressful events in life. This withdrawal equips the person with more time and ability to process and give meaning to these events, allowing them to continue working on their relationship.

However, if the detachment carries on for too long and is combined with active avoidance, persistent invalidation of your emotional needs, or deliberate belittling of your attempts to discuss and approach your partner, you may have lesser chances to recuperate your marriage. Of course, you may try with the awareness that it might lead to a break-up, separation, or divorce.

How To Cope With Emotional Neglect?

When you’re completely sure that you’re having issues with emotional neglect in your long-term relationship or marriage, you may try to go step by step. Remember to take care of yourself, see what can be done about your relationship, and try some of the following tips:

Be Patient

This is something that may be helpful as a reminder: getting your marriage back on track requires hard work, time, and patience. Before entering the whole process, remember that emotional neglect is a pattern that took years to develop, and can’t be resolved promptly.

Examine Your Feelings And The Causes Of Their Behavior

Identifying the cause of the issue can help you receive some level of clarity and understanding. This will also help you to make constructive changes and plan out your next step. It might be useful to determine:

Whether your partner was neglectful from the beginning.
Whether they became neglectful after a while.
Whether their emotional investment in you was changing constantly, or abruptly.

Avoid Playing The Victim Card

Putting all the blame on the neglectful partner can seem appealing since the hurt is coming from their end. However, it’s a very unlikely way to resolve the issue. On the contrary, it will probably worsen the situation and push your partner even further away from you. Of course, it might be useful to talk openly about your feelings. However, don’t repeat that in each conversation. If you want to focus on fixing the problem and recuperating your relationship, it may be best to have constructive discussions.

Stay Proactive

Mirroring the detachment of your partner is probably not going to help. Also, keep in mind that some people don’t have good insight into their own patterns of behavior. This low self-awareness can furthermore lead them to further withdrawal, without realizing that they are hurting you in the process. If you know how to approach them without playing the guilt game, you’ll probably be able to make progress.

Discuss The Issue Constructively

Allocate time and energy for discussion and avoid situations when you feel irritable, tired, hungry, or generally unprepared. Despite the level of emotional hurt, it’s important to remain respectful towards each other and to avoid playing the blame game. Try to make it as constructive and solution-focused as possible.

Be Gentle To Yourself

It may be useful to try to find ways and time to comfort yourself. This might be through relaxing activities, meditation, taking up new hobbies, and most importantly – fostering a positive self-image. While it may not bring you closer to your partner, it could provide you with more resources to recover from an emotionally stressful period or prepare you for single life, if it doesn’t work out in the end.

Arrange For Quality Time Together

While your emotionally detached spouse might seem disinterested in spending any time with you, sometimes you need to check whether it’s actually everyday stress that’s giving them a hard time. Although it’s seemingly unfair, their detachment can serve as a well-established coping mechanism that helps them go through stress. If you pick an adequate context, you might find a way to rekindle the flame of your relationship and salvage it.

Seek Professional Assistance

In the end, if you feel like you’ve depleted all your energy and tried all strategies, maybe it’s time to seek professional help. Of course, given that every relationship is different, you can expect different outcomes. It may help you get a better insight into your attachment pattern, identify underlying causes, and develop new ways to relate to your spouse.

Where Can We Find A Beneficial Couple Workshop For Deepening Relationships?

When you aim to help your relationship survive a period of emotional neglect, go through various stages of separation, or PIVOT from your own insecurities and low self-worth, you can find a helping hand in our relationship advocates. Whether you’re seeking to find common ground with your spouse and revive emotions in your marriage through our couple retreat or overcome the toll of ongoing relationship challenges in an individual setting, you can put your trust in our experienced coaching team. We have ample experience working with addictive relationships, so give us a call today!

Trauma Bonding: Causes & Effects

Posted on May 30, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever felt that your relationship is somehow taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing? Have you noticed the negative effects on your life outside of the relationship? And yet, you’re unable to leave despite the pain? You may have mixed feelings about each other, or have difficulties putting it into words. Sometimes, you may be overwhelmed with negativity and guilt, and yet, there may be days that feel like honeymoons.

It’s possible that you’re dealing with trauma bonding, which is a very real phenomenon. Still, how do you tell if it’s true for you or just a red flag? It may be a sign that you need to seek professional help and learn how to build intimacy in a relationship in a healthy way. Read on to learn more!

What Is Trauma Bonding In A Relationship?

Trauma bonding is a type of attachment that can form between two people who have gone through a traumatic experience together. Or, more likely, you may share a compatible attachment pattern that stems from childhood emotional trauma. This bond is characterized by feelings of dependency, neediness, and fear. The connection can be very strong, it can feel genuine, and it can make it difficult for the people involved to leave the relationship, even if it is harmful.

The trauma bond is formed as a result of regular cycles of emotional or physical abuse, depreciation, and periodic positive reinforcement. For example, your partner may constantly put you down and then apologize and buy you flowers after a big argument. Over time, you start to believe that you need your partner in order to feel good about yourself. This is an unhealthy attachment that can be very difficult to break free from.

If you find yourself in a cycle of abuse with someone, it may be that you are trauma bonded to them. This can happen in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. If you think you might be trauma bonded, it is important to seek help from a professional who can support you in breaking free from this unhealthy attachment.

What Are The Signs Of Trauma Bonding?

Childhood trauma bonds are characterized by an imbalance of power between the parent and child, with the parent providing both positive and negative attention. This can be confusing for the child, who may feel both grateful for the parent’s positive attention and responsible for the parent’s outbursts of negativity. As a result, a child’s self-esteem becomes shaped by their perceptions of their parent’s opinions and regard, and this can become a very unstable and self-deprecating base for their adult emotional life.

There are several stages that are common in trauma bonds in attachment relationships:

Love bombing. This is when your partner showers you with attention and gifts at the beginning of the relationship in order to win you over and then stops abruptly.
Frequent mood swings. Then your partner may be loving and attentive for a minute, and then cruel and abusive the next. This inconsistency keeps you on your toes and creates an emotional rollercoaster that is hard to adjust to.
Trust and dependency. Because your partner is often so unpredictable, you may start to depend on them for your emotional needs. This can make it very hard to leave the relationship.
Low self-esteem. The constant put-downs and criticism can cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. You may start to believe that you deserve the abuse.
Criticism. Your partner may find ways to criticize you, even if it’s something small. They may also try to control your behavior and tell you what you can and can’t do.
Manipulation. Your partner may use manipulation tactics to get you to do what they want. For example, they may guilt you into staying in the relationship or threaten to hurt themselves if you leave.
Giving up control. In order to please your partner, you may start to give up control of your life. You may do things you don’t want to do, or put their needs above your own.
Losing yourself. It’s common for people in trauma bonds to lose themselves in the relationship. You may find that you no longer have hobbies or interests outside of your partner. Your sense of self may become wrapped up in their approval or disapproval.
Addiction to the cycle. Even though the abuse is painful, you may find yourself addicted to the cycle of abuse. The highs and lows can become addicting, and you may start to feel like you need your partner in your life in order to just feel okay.

What Happens When You Are Trauma Bonded?

You may feel like you’re inseparable from the other person. It is usually considered a type of love addiction and the cycle is somewhat similar to substance abuse. Likewise, you’ll most likely go through the following stages you’ll in this type of relationship:

The first stage is when you develop a strong attachment to someone who is abusive, or you become deeply involved in an abusive situation.
Over time, you start to believe that you deserve the abuse, or that you are responsible for it. This can happen because the abuser tells you that you deserve the abuse, or because you start to believe that you are responsible for the abuser’s bad behavior.
Next, you start to feel like you need the abuser in your life, even though they are abusive. This happens because the abuser has become a source of both positive and negative attention, and you have started to rely on them for both emotional and practical support.
In the final stage, you become so invested in the relationship that you are willing to tolerate any abuse in order to stay in it. This happens because the abuser has become the most important person in your life, and you cannot imagine living without them. And, your efforts to fix them override your own self-care and growth.

How To Know If It’s Love Or Trauma Bonding?

While every relationship is different and can be fraught with various patterns of behavior and emotional exchange at different stages, there are some clues that can help you discern between healthy love and a trauma bond:

Love is built on trust, respect, and equality, while a trauma bond is more likely to be based on power imbalance, control, and fear.
Love is voluntary and empowering. Trauma bonding is often coerced or forced, and you may feel trapped, stuck, or powerless to leave.
Love is selfless and supportive. Trauma bonding is often selfish, destructive, and disruptive.
Love is positive and stable. Trauma bonding dwells on the negative and thrives on instability.

How Do You Fix A Trauma Bond Relationship?

While the trauma bond is often “mistaken for love”, you may still wonder if there are ways to fix the relationship and if there are enough healthy reasons to preserve it. The pain, emotional trauma, neglect, and the cycle of abuse may be subtle and not easily recognized for what they truly are. You may be so deeply invested in your relationship that you’d be prone to downplay the harm it causes. And, you may be in a relationship that is familier to the unhealthy family of origin household you grew up in. However, the question of whether separating from your spouse is the only way to go is a valid one, and it begs many considerations.

If you finally do acknowledge the fact that you’re rooting against yourself, try to follow these steps to break the bond:

Desist With The Self-Blame

The first step is to make a conscious decision to break the cycle of self-blame. You need to accept that you are not responsible for the abuser’s behavior.

Practice Reality Checks

The second step is to start practicing reality checks. This means that you need to start questioning the abuser’s version of events and start looking at the situation objectively. This can be difficult. However, it’s important to start seeing things as they really are.

Be Inquisitive

This means that you need to start questioning the actions and motives of your partner. Why do they do the things they do? What do they hope to gain from their behavior? Asking questions can help you to see their behavior for what it really is.

Switch Your Outlook

This means that you may need to start thinking about yourself first. What do you want? What do you need? What is best for you? Putting yourself first will help you to see your partner and your relationship more clearly.

Focus On Your Emotions

This means that you need to start paying attention to your own emotions and needs. Paying attention to your own emotions will help you to see your relationship more clearly.

Stop Playing

This means that you need to stop reacting to their behavior in the way they want you to. If they are trying to control you, resist their attempts to control you. This will help you to see that you are not powerless.

Consider The Bigger Picture

This means that you need to start thinking about your life outside of your relationship. Consider what other people and things are important to you and what you want to do with your life. Focusing on something bigger than your relationship can help you to see it in a new light.

If you are in a relationship and you are not sure if it is love or trauma bonding, it is important to reach out to a professional for help. They can assess the situation and provide you with guidance on how to proceed.

Where Can I Find An Insightful Relationship Coaching Retreat For Individuals?

Overcoming a breakup or separation with your life partner is usually easier said than done. Although you’re likely to remember the times when you felt emotionally neglected or abandoned by them, or that you suddenly became unable to invest energy in your intimate relationship like you used to, it can still feel like unfinished business. This is why seeking professional help might lead you to some valuable insights you didn’t realize you needed.Whether you’ve decided to attend couple-based workshops to deepen the intimacy in your relationship, or you’re looking for individual sessions to improve your emotional wellbeing, you can count on PIVOT relationship advocates to provide you with the necessary guidance and support. Get the much-needed retreat and resources with us by contacting us today!

How To Cope With Marital Separation

Posted on May 30, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

There is no type of human relationship that doesn’t go through periods of crisis at a certain point. Marriages make no exception and when problems arise, some couples find a way to overcome difficulties, while others split up. Separation is one of the ways couples use to sort out the difficulties and differences they experienced.

Many individuals and couples turn to professionals seeking advice on how to improve intimacy in their relationship. By the same token, you may seek support during the time you’re separated from your significant other. You may feel insecure and anxious when going through this stage of your relationship. Luckily, there are ways to make a positive change during your separation.

How To Deal With Separation?

Going through a separation is usually very challenging and the fact that it isn’t final, unlike divorce, could make it even more complex to cope with. You could be dealing with a variety of mixed feelings, including anger, loneliness, and uncertainty on the one hand, as well as relief, excitement, and hope on the other.

Regardless of the desired outcome, in order to use and understand your separation as a chance to grow and learn something new about yourself, it may be useful to practice the following tips:

Embrace the fact that you may feel differently

Although you have shared a good deal of interests and experiences, you have to start by trying to appreciate your differences. This is especially important if your partner is going through a relationship burnout or you’re feeling like you’re becoming emotionally detached. Sometimes, a bit of distancing can make you make a better evaluation of your bond and your goals as a couple.

Take a break

You need time to recover, think, and get a better grasp of your situation. You might try to seek distractions that will stop you from thinking about your relationship, or look for a new partner as soon as possible. While the relationship’s “on hold”, it’s probably best to take a step back and allow yourself to see a clearer picture. Then you’ll be able to answer the questions about the nature of your relationship.

Take care of yourself

Ensure that you have enough time to take care of your physical and mental health. This might mean finding time to commit to your hobbies or interests or spending more time with your friends, and family, or exploring your options.

Avoid power struggles

It’s tempting to enter into bickering when you’re feeling neglected. However, this may only add fuel to the fire. It’s best if both parties avoid competition with one another and instead focus on themselves individually. Don’t try winning over the support of your mutual friends and family members, it will make things go easier in your relationship overall. And, if children are involved, dragging them into the power struggle will leave them with complexities that they will take into their relationships as they get older.

Explore your interests

Your interests and hobbies matter. If there was something you liked doing before your marriage or relationship, and you forgot about it, returning to it may be worthwhile. You might be able to take a measure of how much you changed.

Think in a constructive way

Try to stay focused on the solutions and the areas where you can make improvements. Rather than dwell on the bad or idealizing your relationship, it’s advisable to think about what you can do to heal your marriage, fulfill your needs, make a new beginning, or accept the fact that you need to move on in separate directions. This is how you’ll pave the way to positive change.

Learn to be patient

Most significant changes don’t happen overnight. Sometimes, you need to wait them out. While you work on yourself, you can’t control whether your partner will work in the same direction as you. Although you may try to renew your communication, it may be better to practice patience and focus on yourself. This way, you’ll probably learn something about yourself, your wants, and your needs.

Can A Marriage Be Saved After Separation?

For some people, this may sound overly optimistic. You might worry that getting back together might not alleviate the issues if your bond was based on an unhealthy attachment style. However, in many cases, separation can be a very feasible way to salvage a relationship. Reconciliation can become possible under the condition that you and your spouse go through a process that enables you to be accountable for your part and begin to see how you can contribute to repairing the challenges.

In fact, there seems to be some scientific evidence to support the fact that separation can bring a meaningful and positive change in your marriage. Approximately 50 – 60% of separated couples get back together after this break. It’s also noted that separation is harder on the person breaking up, due to the uncertainty that lingers in the decision.

How can you achieve this and how do you know if you’re heading in the right direction? If you’re separating for the right reasons and with clear boundaries, you can gain new insights and make your relationship stronger.

How To Rebuild Your Marriage During A Separation?

Rebuilding your marriage can seem difficult. However, it is possible depending on how much effort you put into your own self-development. If you manage to overcome feelings of anger, prevent playing the blame game, and approach each other with honesty and a newfound appreciation of each other, you may be able to establish a new connection.

Of course, it’s advisable to negotiate your new boundaries with clarity, acknowledge your flaws, limitations, and responsibility, and open up. Once you have everything cleared up, ensure that you work together on the root cause that got you separated in the first place. By maintaining a positive outlook and mutual respect, you could be on the brink of a fresh new start.

What Are The Signs That My Partner Wants To Reconcile?

Whether you’re the one that initiated the separation, or the one that was, in a way, left behind, you might foster a hope that you’ll get back together. Although this is normal, you might be wondering if you are clinging to hope in vain. Fortunately, there are ways to tell if there’s some hope left for your relationship and if there are chances that you’ll get back together.

What Are Some Positive Signs That You Could Reconcile?

You Continued Communicating

If you haven’t severed the ties and continued to communicate, and even improved your communication, this may be a positive sign that you could get back together. Even if you don’t hear from each other on a regular basis, another sign that you may be looking forward to reconciling is that your spouse is following you on social networks.

You Have Recognized & Resolved The Main Issue

You have used your time away from each other to face the main issue and mitigate the problem. For example, you may have better control of your emotions, perhaps you have adopted a more honest and open way to talk to each other, learned to listen to your spouse actively, and have taken responsibility for your actions in the past.

You Have Exchanges About Good Times In Your Marriage

If you have fond recollections of your time together, not just during the honeymoon phase, you’re likely to be back on track. If you make exchanges about these memories in a flirtatious manner, you have good reasons to be optimistic.

You Dealt With Unmet Expectations

You’ve made a clear distinction between the expectations that were realistic and those that couldn’t be met by anyone.

You Miss Each Other

If you stop for a moment and you recognize that you’re thinking of your partner more often than you had in a long time, you’re most likely missing them. If you actively seek their support and this is mutual, you’re probably ready to get back together.

How Do You Rekindle A Relationship After Separation?

Once you get back together after a separation, you could still have a feeling that something is missing, that you don’t entirely trust each other, and that you need some more time. This may all be perfectly fine, as a sign that you need to take things one step at a time.

Work on your intimacy. Both emotional and physical. Try to find new ways to be together and have fun, inside and outside the bedroom. Talk about what you’re feeling, share your fantasies, and experiment a little.
Show curiosity. When you’re in a long-term relationship with your partner, it’s easy to stop being curious about them. You think you know everything there is to know. However, over time, people change and grow, so it’s important to keep up and understand your partner on a deeper level.
Be creative and show effort. It may be easy to get stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over. If you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, it’s important to try new things and put some effort into keeping things fresh.
Learn how to defuse conflict with fun. If you have a habit of getting into arguments with your partner, try to find some humor in the situation. This can help diffuse the tension and make it easier to resolve the issue.
Turn your differences into something positive. It’s easy to focus on the ways you and your partner are different. However, if you can learn to accept and even appreciate each other’s differences, it can make your relationship stronger.
Navigate your emotions. After a separation, it’s common to have mixed feelings about your partner. You may still love them while being angry and hurt at the same time. It’s important to work through these emotions if you are wanting to rebuild trust.
Seek professional help. When you feel that you have the opportunity to rebuild your relationship and rekindle your passion, it may be helpful to seek professional assistance and work your way through with a coach.

Where Can I Find Useful Private Couple Retreats For Reconnection After A Separation?

When you’re struggling as a couple to find a common ground and recuperate your marriage, we have a team of relationship advocates that can assist you in a number of ways. You can work on your personal growth in an eye-to-eye context, or take advantage of our couple retreat and PIVOT through the difficult times together.

With our support, you’ll learn how to overcome the ongoing effects of emotional trauma in a constructive way, identify your relationship patterns, how to improve intimacy in your relationship, have a better grasp of your emotions, and find ways to lead a meaningful life. Feel free to contact us today and schedule an appointment with one of our experienced coaches.