Author: Lori Jean Glass

A fulfilling romantic relationship is a meeting of equals. Both partners’ opinions and feelings are acknowledged, and both of their needs are taken care of. They thrive both individually and as a couple, allowing each other space for independence and growth -separately and together!  

However, the power dynamic within some relationships is not 50/50. It’s common for one person to have more drive and initiative while the other one tends to just go along with everything. While this may seem like a harmonious arrangement, it can cause problems down the road. The partners may hold this difference against each other and grow resentful after a while.

Knowing how to identify and overcome passive behavior may be crucial to the success of your relationship. Keep reading to find out how to deal with this common power disbalance. If you’d like to learn how to spot passivity in a relationship and discover ways to stop behaving passively, you can also do so using relationship intimacy coaching exercises. 

What Does Being Passive In A Relationship Mean?

Many relationships have a skewed balance of power. Typically, one partner acts responsibly and fixes problems proactively while the other one is laidback and indecisive. If an issue crops up, the active partner is on it immediately. The passive partner takes the backseat, waiting for the other person’s cues. For example, the passive partner may not even notice a light bulb that’s burned out whereas the active partner will spot it and work on the problem straight away. 

This leader-follower dynamic may work for a while. In the beginning of the relationship, this difference may feel refreshing to both people. The passive partner may admire the other one’s problem-solving skills, decisiveness, and resourcefulness. The active partner may like the other person’s laidback and carefree attitude. However, this can also become the main point of contention as time goes by. 

Often, this dynamic mirrors what the individual learned as a child and adolescent.  Were they parentified too young and have to take charge?  Were they controlled by a helicopter parent that did everything for them?  Understanding their developmental psychology together as a couple can really help with understanding why their partner reacts the way they do. 

What Are The Signs Of Passive Behavior?

A passive partner typically minimizes problems and chooses to deal with them later. This person rarely takes charge or makes vital decisions independently. They prefer relying on the active partner to solve everyday problems, like booking their daughter’s dentist’s appointment or making a grocery list. They may also seek their partner’s approval and readily go along with anything they want and say.

You may have (or be) a passive partner if you keep finding yourself in a conversation about responsibility. If one partner in your relationship keeps complaining about having to be in charge and do everything, the chances are that the other person exhibits passivity. 

How Do You Deal with A Passive Partner?

Putting up with this disproportionate division of responsibility is difficult to deal with for both individuals and can even lead to the death of the relationship. If you’re the active partner, you probably feel exhausted, used, and exasperated. This may make you critical and controlling of the other person. In turn, they can feel unfairly victimized and infantilized.

Conversations about passivity often turn into fights about who is right and who does more, and they usually do more harm than good. You may be pushing your partner to have more initiative although they may get defensive and rebuff your complaints. They may also feel like you’re being condescending and unappreciative. This is why approaching these conversations from a place of love and respect is very important.

Talking about the problem is the first step to solving it, although it may be best to tread carefully. It’s advisable to avoid criticizing the person too harshly and calling them lazy or careless. It’s most effective if you present the matter with a clear head, explain yourself directly and openly, and work on a strategy together.

How Do I Stop Being Passive In A Relationship?

An effective strategy for overcoming these differences and aligning with your partner is to communicate effectively and come together to create a solution that works for both parties. This will probably require both partners to change and compromise. Here are some things to try:

Understand what makes you act the way you do

Understanding yourself is essential to functioning well with someone else. An active partner tends to deal with stress by being hypervigilant, anxious, and controlling. While these coping strategies may solve problems, they still take a toll on the person’s well-being. Their passive counterpart may use escapism and avoidance to cope with unpleasant situations. This behavior causes friction in the relationship and gets nothing done. Both people would benefit from acknowledging their ineffective patterns and working through them.

Go against your unhealthy patterns

To have a healthier and more satisfying relationship, one person needs to learn how to let go while the other one needs to adopt a more proactive approach to life. The passive person could try to hear their partner out when they’re in worry mode and acknowledge their concerns. They can make progress by thinking of solutions to the problem at hand instead of dismissing it. Meanwhile, the active individual could work on resisting their controlling urges. Professional relationship coaching can be very helpful in making these different individuals see eye to eye.

Overcome Relationship Passivity & Emotional Intimacy Issues

If you’re unsure how to approach the issue of passivity in your relationship, PIVOT has the answer for you. With our expertise and compassion-based couples workshops at the comfortable Glass House retreat, you can learn how to communicate with your partner more openly, share your fears and concerns, and work through them as a unit. 

Our extensive curriculum and individual coaching sessions can also help you find peace and reconnect with every part of your inner self. Our experienced relationship advocates will be there to educate you on healthy behavioral patterns and teach you helpful techniques to help you heal and grow.

Reach out to us today to take part in a rewarding and empowering journey toward self-actualization. We’ll welcome you with open arms.

Your emotions, thoughts, and actions are all inextricably linked. These three facets of your life need to work together for you to have a joyful existence. However, for many people, they often function out of tune, especially as a result of early traumatic experiences. 

Sometimes, people let their feelings take over instead of thinking about a situation rationally. Like when someone constantly questions their partner’s loyalty when there’s no reason for it. This may feel like intuition, but may actually just be fear of abandonment that can be overcome through codependency coaching. 

At other times, a person may be out of touch with their feelings and do anything to avoid them.  Think and then Do!  Bottling up your emotions may lead to physical symptoms or misdirected emotional reactions.  Anything to not feel.  It’s too much. 

This is where relational alignment comes in. Through the process of “Pivoting”, people can direct their thoughts, emotions, and actions to work in unison. This way, they create a healthy way of being for themselves, where all the facets of their inner functioning come together to produce healthy actions. 

What Is Relational Alignment?

Relational alignment is a concept that’s designed for people who tend to fall into the same, unhealthy patterns in relationships. They may have trouble connecting or attaching securely to people in their life. They may also slip back into coping strategies – a PIVOT we call these Survival Patterns.  These patterns are acquired early in childhood, often not healthy however effective in the moments where they are trying to manage and tolerate feelings.  For example, a constructive piece of advice from your partner may trigger the feelings of hurt that you felt when you were harshly criticized as a child.

Relational alignment means recognizing when our emotions, thoughts, and actions are disconnected. It’s not about trying to be perfect. Rather, its point is to be mindful and aware of ourselves in order to regulate ourselves more successfully, feel better in our own skin, and build fulfilling relationships. 

What Does It Mean To Be Aligned With Another Person?

Although it’s easy to get swept up with passion at the start of a relationship, not aligning your wants and needs with your partner may mean that the relationship may leave emotional scars and come to an end. 

For example, if your partner is ready to settle down and you aren’t interested in it, this will likely cause friction. People who are aligned are “on the same wavelength”. The relationship comes easy and feels natural to both partners because they have a mutual understanding of shared core values, goals, and expectations.  Wants and needs matter.  And, you’d be surprised how many people don’t know what their developmental parts want and need.

What Are The Three Pillars of Relational Alignment?

When you’re dealing with the intricacies of daily life, it’s vital to know how to cope with the inevitable bumps in the road. Relational alignment rests on three essential principles that can help you overcome certain inevitable challenges:

• THINK stands for having a clear head, thinking logically, and making sense of things.
• FEEL means honing your emotional intelligence and being in touch with your feelings. 
• DO signifies taking healthy actions that are beneficial to yourself and the people in your life. Pivoting from habilitual do’s to healthy do’s. 

Noticing when these aspects are incongruent and getting them to operate in unison is a useful strategy. 

What Are The Benefits Of Successful Relational Alignment?

When what you THINK, FEEL, and DO align, you tend to make healthy choices and take positive action. This isn’t to say that you will never feel negative emotions. Rather, you will learn how to generate a healthy response to life’s challenges instead of reacting in an unproductive and impulsive way. 

For example, you can expect to:

• Learn how to recognize and own up to your shortcomings
• Stop slipping back into self-destructive behavior
• Have more mental resources to handle stressful events
• Acquire the skills to cope with conflict
• Feel empowered without having to prove yourself to others
• Become unburdened by others’ approval or wishes
• Prevent yourself from taking hasty and ineffective actions

This will positively reflect on your relationships, too, as you will be able to attach securely and be more content in them. It may help you identify your passivity in a relationship, realize how to make a positive change in a relationship, or change the course of a dying relationship. 

How Do I Realign My Relationship?

If you have wounds stemming from childhood attachment issues, it may be difficult to let go of ineffective patterns and maintain a healthy relationship. However, you can work through these problems and continue through life as a “healthy adult” capable of having an uncomplicated, loving relationship. 

The first step to healing and overcoming your feelings of hurt is to understand the root cause of your present-day obstacles: Are you anxiously trying too hard to please people because you had an avoidant parent and want someone to see and hear you?  Are you avoiding because you’re afraid of your partner not reciprocating, like someone from your past did and it’s easier not to feel?

This is what you can ask yourself to get a step closer to relational alignment and make the right moves when relating to others:

• THINK: What do I think about this? Am I overthinking it? Is my rational mind involved in making these decisions?
• FEEL: How do I feel about this? Are my emotions out of proportion? Do they align with the facts?
• DO: What am I about to do about this? What’s the right action to take?

Realign Your Relationship With Helpful Codependency Recovery  Coaching

If you’re experiencing challenges in your interpersonal relationships, you can learn how to overcome them by participating in our PIVOT Process. It is a curriculum that helps you pivot from unhealthy patterns to a more balanced and rewarding existence. By working with our competent, certified, and compassionate relationship advocates, you can achieve relational alignment and instate harmony in your life. 

This process is created for individuals who’ve experienced severe emotional trauma or have deep attachment wounds. Through it, you learn how to embody your “healthy adult” and be more in-tune with yourself. The curriculum is also customized to suit each individual’s specific needs as well as to allow couples to tackle the unique issues in their relationships. Contact us to set out on a journey toward deeper self-understanding and more fulfilling relationships.

Do you keep reminiscing about the past happier times you had in your relationship? Are you not able to enjoy the present moment since it’s filled with anxiety, fear, and dissatisfaction? If you’re struggling to find or create new moments to enjoy with your partner and you choose to resort to the past wondering what went wrong, read on.

Blaming yourself will not help you get your relationship back on track. It will just make you feel worse.  And, attacking your partner with criticism and blame will make matters worse.  

As hard as it can be, if you want to save your relationship, it’s time to act and stop the cycle of intimacy and relationship avoidance. Try and help you, your partner, and your relationship by understanding dying relationships better and learn how to rekindle yours. 

What Are The Signs Of A Dying Relationship?

Are you starting to develop indifferent feelings toward your partner and your relationship? Are you beginning to notice the absence of love, yet not necessarily a desire to leave? Are you failing to see the fruits of your efforts of trying to make your relationship better? Is all of this leading you to care less and less about your partner? 

These are just some of the feelings you could have if you’re finding yourself in a relationship that’s struggling. You may feel the urge to start blaming yourself for the state of your relationship. Yet, it’s not your fault and it doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault. 

This doesn’t stop your relationship from causing you to experience negative instead of positive feelings. Of course, knowing you’re not to blame will not magically make you feel happy. Rekindling your relationship and feeling satisfied again requires work and effort. This begins by being aware of the signs that your relationship is in a less-than-perfect state:

• There is little or no communication: You used to look forward to every deep and meaningful conversation you would have with your significant other, and now you rarely talk and you and your partner simply go about your own business.
• There is little or no sex life: Losing emotional connection will cause your physical connection to dwindle as well, causing you to have less and less sex as time passes. 
• There is little day-to-day affection: Once upon a time, you couldn’t do anything without you or your partner showing affection in various ways before returning to your tasks at hand, while that seems to be a thing of the past now?
• You don’t want to make plans for the future: You’re not wanting to make any future plans with your partner. 
• Your partner annoys you: Everything your partner says, does, or even thinks is starting to annoy you. Even those cute quirks from the beginning of your relationship are now an endless source of irritation.

How Do I Make My Relationship Work Again?

Not every dying relationship deserves to become dead. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is throwing the towel in prematurely. Ending a relationship too soon can leave couples regretting their decision later and often repeating the same patterns in their next relationship.. Loving and dedicated couples are able to work through their problems and make their relationship work again by applying some effort in the right places.

• Conflicts are normal: Not only are conflicts normal – they’re sometimes necessary for resolving problems between you and your partner. Just don’t make your conflicts vindictive, personal, and completely unpleasant. 
• Space is needed: Everybody needs some time alone even in the most loving of relationships. If your relationship is struggling, your instinct may be to cling onto your partner. In fact, both you and your partner could use some space to tend to your own emotions before resolving joint emotional difficulties. 
• Personal needs are a necessity: Loving and caring for your partner doesn’t imply placing your own needs second. You have your own wants and wishes, so why not please yourself too? This will make you happier, more satisfied, and bring more love to give to your partner as well. 
• Affection is important: Start showing more affection whenever possible, and not just sexual affection. Hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical contact can strengthen your relationship. 

How Do You Bring Back The Spark Into A Relationship?

Making your relationship functional again is one thing. Making it exciting and enjoyable again is quite another. Once you work out all the major kinks, it’s time to bring back the spark that your relationship once had. This is the fun part.

• Let go of your past quarrels and problems, and start focusing on the now and what’s to come.  As we often say at PIVOT, rip off the rearview mirror and look through the windshield and what is ahead!  Once you process a challenging moment, let it go. 
• Start taking a class together. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you’re both in for the ride. It can be anything from cooking to dancing to golf – just go for it!
• Remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place. From there, think about your first date and why not relive it once again. Think about the small things you did for each other in the beginning and do them often! 
• Enjoy the little things in life together, such as the full moon or a gorgeous sunset. 
• Be lazy on the weekend together. Spend a day slouching on the couch and doing whatever you feel like doing. 
• Try to make every day just a bit special.  Be mindful of doing something kind for each other.  At least one small gesture a day.  It adds up!    

PIVOT Is Here To Help You Resolve Your Relationship And Intimacy Avoidance Problems

Remember this– a dying relationship is often something that happens through nobody’s intentional actions. It happens to many couples more than you realize.  Perhaps you and your partner have entered into some unhealthy relationship patterns, or both of you are just finding it difficult to open up to each other completely. 

The important thing is to not fall into an endless cycle of relationship conflicts and arguments and allow yourselves to take a moment and step back. Be honest with yourselves and each other, and try to identify the biggest issues in your relationship. Although this will not magically rekindle a potentially dying relationship, it’s a great first step. PIVOT is here to help you continue down the path of restoring your dying relationship. Our experienced and dedicated relationship advocates organize helpful and supportive couple workshops, as well as thoughtful and restorative individual workshops for your emotional problems. Reach out to us today and start working on your relationship!

You know that sneaking, fleeting feeling of suspicion that something’s not quite right and you can’t seem to put your finger on it? Or that feeling of warmth and confidence in your belly when it seems that all of the pieces will perfectly fall together to create a harmonious and joyous experience? That’s often your intuition, among many other things. 

Intuition, if you manage to identify it and follow it attentively and carefully, can prove to be a powerful guiding force throughout your life as an individual or partner in a relationship. It can save you from unhealthy relationships, help you overcome your own relationship challenges, or guide you toward beautiful things in life.

It can also lead you astray. Intuition is one of our mind’s ways of subconsciously processing information and providing us with physical sensations toward various conclusions. It requires time to use properly, effort to identify correctly, and time to hone and improve. 

How Do You Know If It’s Your Intuition Or Overthinking?

All of us experience that gut feeling, that innermost sensation of good or bad, wrong or right, negative and positive. We experience these sensations physically as much as mentally, which only makes them all the stronger. Not listening to your intuition can have negative consequences, while only going with your gut can get you in as many problems as completely ignoring it.

The same holds true for intuition in relationships. For example, imagine being in the middle of thick love fog. This can cloud your judgement with overwhelming feelings of positive intuition and make you potentially blind to all of the red flags surrounding your current relationship. Also, allowing your anxiety that stems from past experiences to negatively influence your feelings about your partner can also lead to bad judgement. Consequently, you can lose a potentially great relationship. 

The bottom line is, there’s intuition and then there’s “old messages”. Not everything we intuitively perceive is really our intuition giving us subconscious facts about our partner. Sometimes, what we think is intuition can simply be us overthinking every possible angle of a situation either negatively or positively in an attempt to seek safety from old wounds.

While it can be difficult to differentiate between intuition and overthinking, it mostly boils down to this – intuition is less verbal and resembles a vibe or sense that you feel deep inside you. On the other hand, overthinking is not as deep and predominantly occurs in our minds as an almost verbal sensation. 

How Do You Know If Your Intuition Is Right?

Being aware of your intuition is one thing, while knowing it’s right is something entirely different. Making intuitive decisions in your relationship can feel wonderful when it turns out well. However, making wrong decisions you thought were right can leave you feeling emotionally devastated.

All of us have intuition. You know that subconscious feeling that points us in a certain direction. However, how can you know your intuition is right? How do you know it won’t lead you astray? How do you know your intuition will lead you to relationship happiness and not emotional devastation?

There are several signs that can point out that your intuition is right:

• There’s a peaceful sensation in your stomach or chest while considering making your intuition-driven decision. 
• Even the less rational decision you’re thinking of making makes you confident and happy. 
• You experience very vivid dreams about certain trials and tribulations of your romantic life. 
• You start noticing the same romantic opportunities knocking at your door within your own relationship. 
• You experience clarity of your emotional life when you’re not busy focusing your mind on other concerns. 
• You begin to notice your thoughts getting pulled toward a certain resolution. 
• You start feeling inspired after pondering making a certain relationship decision. 
• You get a sensation that you need to talk to your partner about a certain concern. 

How Do I Tap Into My Intuition?

Recognizing intuition can be difficult in the beginning, especially if you’ve haven’t done something similar before. However, correctly identifying your intuition and learning how and when to listen to it can lead to strengthening your relationship with your partner. 

There’s also more you can do about your relationship intuition. You can start working on making it stronger and tapping into it more frequently and more successfully. As esoteric as it can sound, there’s actually plenty you can try to do to make your intuition more reliable. 

This is how you can improve your intuitive thinking and use it to make your relationship better:

• Try to recognize the difference between your fear and your intuition. That voice in your head that’s saying “Don’t do it!” might be nothing more than your fear and anxiety trying to prevent you from experiencing new and positive relationship sensations.
• Be quiet, listen, and feel. We’ve already said that intuitive sensations can be as physical as they are psychological. Listen to your body and feel it. Feel the goose bumps, your heart racing and the shivers coming down your spine. Feel the gnawing in your stomach and the weight on your shoulders.  What is your body telling you? 
• Remain open-minded to new sensations. Understand that your intuition is not going to be correct all the time. Use it as a guide, not a compass, and remain open-minded to changing your mindset accordingly if necessary. 
• Embrace the potential for uncertainty and mistakes. Listening to your intuition can end up feeling like a gamble, and it can sometimes not be a win. 
• Trust yourself and your feelings. There comes a time when you just have to start believing in yourself and your gut feelings. With a process like PIVOT, after you know yourself more and why you do what you do in relationships, your intuition will be easier to recognize and feel.  Discernment is key prior to acting on intuition. 

PIVOT Organizes Helpful Private Couple Retreats For Reconnection

All of us go through ups and downs in life, through our own personal highs and our deepest lows. Sometimes, we get that gut feeling that’s almost trying to offer advice on how to approach a certain situation in life. Sometimes we listen to it, sometimes we don’t – and we often don’t understand it. That’s intuition for you, and it can come in handy.

Intuition is important in relationships too. Listening to your inner instinct can end up saving you from different types of emotional abuse, help you break unhealthy patterns in your relationship, and even get you far away from a relationship filled with fights and arguments before it all even begins. And all that if we could just learn how to listen to ourselves better. Luckily, you can rely on PIVOT to be there for you. We can help you overcome your relationship problems through our couple workshops, be there to detect and resolve your emotional issues with our individual workshops, and we can also help you get in touch with your intuition. All you have to do is contact our experienced relationship advocates. Call us today!

Are you finding yourself less and less happy in your relationship and struggling to find common ground with your partner? Are you stumbling at your attempts to create beautiful new memories together, constantly feeling let down? If this sounds familiar, read on. 

This can be extremely difficult to deal with. Unhealthy and unhappy relationships will drain your emotional stamina and leave you feeling physically weak and unable to deal with your daily responsibilities. Relationships are supposed to give you strength, desire, love, and support, aren’t they?

Yes, that’s what a healthy relationship sounds like, and knowing what your relationship could be only to realize everything it isn’t is tough and discouraging. However, if there’s love, desire, and a mutual dedication to repairing and restoring, there can be happiness again if you agree to intensively work through your relationship problems and find solutions for you and your partner.

What Are The Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship?

All happy families are alike, while each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. The same can easily be said about unhappy and unhealthy relationships. Every unhealthy relationship has its own set of underlying problems that causes you to experience a range of negative emotions. 

That makes every unhealthy relationship difficult in its own unique way, which is why it can be really hard for partners to find a way out of bad patterns and discover their mutual affection again. Yes, it’s hard, and yes, you’re hurting, and yes, you’re probably wondering why try at all. 

Sometimes, you might not even be aware you’re one part of an unhealthy duo. Instead, you simply find yourself less than happy most of the time and start getting this uneasy feeling that something may be off. If it persists and intensifies, you may end up like many people do and not know what to do about it. 

Did you ever stop to think that it’s nothing to do with you and that you’re just part of an unhealthy relationship? We’re all too quick to blame only ourselves, even if it’s not just us. If you ever think that you might be involved in a not-so-happy relationship, start by identifying the possible signs before attempting to resolve them. 

First Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship

Knowing what these signs are will also help you preserve your own well-being. As varied as signs and reasons for unhealthy relationships are, there are four most common ones that couples experience: 

• Dishonesty: Trust is the building block of all relationships, not just romantic ones. Trusting your partner and nurturing honesty is essential for a healthy relationship. Lying about different aspects of your relationship or life is the first and most common sign that something may be wrong. 
• Control: Controlling behavior is often extremely toxic for the person having to withstand it. It takes on many forms, from controlling a partner’s social life to managing their free time and even diet. Such behavior can greatly harm a relationship. 
• Avoidance: Addressing conflict and navigating through difficult times by talking to your partner can be tough, but it can also be the only way to adequately resolve your issues and continue your relationship. Avoiding to resolve your conflicts can lead to long-term resentment that can be a ticking time bomb for any relationship. 
• Insecurity: All of us have insecurities we struggle with, and that’s normal. However, it’s not OK for your partner to continually exacerbate your own insecurities and make you feel even worse about yourself. This will deplete your self-worth, leaving you feeling bad about yourself and completely unhappy. 

What Are Some Unhealthy Relationship Patterns?

Your relationship might be unhealthy because of different behavioral patterns you or your partner have. Also, you might be involved in certain unhealthy relationships patterns that neither of you are able to successfully break. 

Whatever the case, it’s important to remember not to blame yourself, as that will only lead to more negative feelings. Instead, work on breaking these unhealthy relationship patterns: 

• Being overly dependent: Healthy and happy relationships can serve as an incredible source of love, support, care, and understanding. If one or both partners focus solely on their relationship, neglecting everything else, they can, in fact, become overly dependent on the other person to make them happy and create an unhealthy environment. 
• Being overly independent: Healthy compromises are important for healthy relationships. Now, nobody’s saying to compromise on everything all the time, as that can lead to you losing yourself in the relationship. However, being completely independent and not investing anything in the relationship can lead to becoming too distant from your partner and your relationship. 
• Not communicating: No two people are identical in terms of manners, behavior, preferences, needs, and wants. It’s important to be aware of the differences between you and your partner. However, problems can arise if you fail to communicate those differences with each other and find ways of being together while being yourselves. 

How Do You Break A Relationship Pattern?

If you and your partner are willing to work on strengthening your relationship, and if you love each other enough to give it a try, it’s time to uncover and shift those unhealthy relationship patterns.  

Now, this can be hard work which requires some time and patience. If you take your time and work with your partner on resolving your issues, your relationship can be stronger than ever. Here are some guidelines that might help you:

• Forgive yourself before going further. Say that it’s not your fault and that you want to make the relationship work again. Again – it’s not your fault!
• Understand where these patterns come from. All of us, your partner included, can resort to various survival patterns we adopted in early childhood. However, these patterns, or coping mechanisms, rarely work with our romantic partners. This is why it’s important to recognize them and see if they’re causing problems in your relationship. 
• Be honest with yourself and your partner about how you feel now and about how you want to feel in your relationship. All of us want to be seen and heard, and you deserve to feel connected again. 
• Start resolving the patterns by being honest with your partner about the various bad behaviors and try to think of ways you can stop them from occurring in the future. 
• Consider seeking help from professionals. Some couples may need a bit more help understanding the causes and consequences of certain negative behaviors in their relationships. So, if you need someone to talk to about your issues, a relationship coach can help you understand your patterns and embrace positive change. 

Join PIVOT Romantic Relationship Building Skills Workshop & Improve Your Relationship

Being part of an unhealthy relationship is extremely tough. It’s emotionally draining and physically exhausting. It can even leave you feeling hollow and unable to find optimism at certain times. What’s more, not resolving these issues can lead to other problems, such as leaving you or your partner craving even more attention or deepening the process of growing apart. 

Yes, one untackled relationship problem usually leads to one or several others, resulting in a vicious cycle that becomes more and more difficult to break as time passes. In the end, you might end up suffering further relationship betrayals and developing severe trust and intimacy fears. As difficult as it is, it’s worth trying to resolve your relationship issues as soon as possible.PIVOT can help you with this. We’ll help you understand the reasons behind your relationship becoming unhealthy and be there to help you resolve those underlying problems through our comprehensive individual workshop programs or by participating in our specialized emotional intimacy workshops for couples. We want to see your relationship succeed!

“I’ve moved on.” I had heard these words before from many men, but the pain inside me felt like it was the very first time I was ever abandoned.

“What did I do wrong? How can I be better? Whatever it takes, but please, please, please give me another chance. Don’t leave.” This was my go-to behavior when trying to salvage yet another emotionally abusive relationship.

After enduring decades of relationships doomed from the get-go, I felt like I couldn’t forge ahead. I wondered if it was even emotionally and physically possible for me to endure another round of finding a new partner (with a broken picker) who didn’t value me. In the end, I would be abandoned yet again. This was inevitable.

Face Value

It wasn’t just in romance. I chose friends of both sexes (with the same broken picker) who also sensed my low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. Maybe their cruelty made them feel better about themselves or maybe they merely needed an outlet for their own frustrations. The reasons for their mean-spirited behavior didn’t matter. The bottom line was that even these “so-called” friends didn’t value me either.

What I didn’t know then is that I didn’t value myself.

This cycle of abuse wasn’t a complete mystery. I knew why I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth. Childhood trauma rattled my core and tore me down. The little girl inside me was wounded. Coupled with my childhood trauma, I suffer from Tourette’s syndrome, OCD, Binge Eating Disorder, and depression. Not an ideal scenario for a shining future.

Being aware of my faulty thinking wasn’t enough wasn’t enough to fix my broken picker. The challenge: What was I going to do about it?

If I only tried harder, did more and said less I believed I could turn my circumstances around. Yet my groveling only gave these men (and platonic friends) license to treat me even worse.

Deep Dive

Enter Lori Jean Glass. I met Lori Jean many years ago at a retreat. Her journey was remarkable and left an impression on me. Her own road to recovery remained imprinted in my mind. She is a California girl. And I’m all about Brooklyn. Yet my options for intensive and relevant help in my zip code had been exhausted.

I needed the real deal. I needed someone who had been on this journey and chose life.

Since my last encounter with Lori Jean, she had developed a proprietary five-day “deep dive” program – appropriately titled The Pivot Glass House Retreat – for individuals struggling with relationships. Her program also caters to couples and families.

I was in. Despite a hurricane approaching New York City, I made my way to California.

For one, the Pivot Glass House in San Rafael overlooking San Francisco Bay is remarkable. The contemporary and tasteful décor is soothing, inspiring, and welcoming. After introductions, we jumped right into the intensive program.

In Circles

Lori Jean simplifies a part of life that is the most challenging and complicated – relationships. I took most everyone I encountered at the checkout counter to be my new BFF. When I met a guy at Starbucks who showed me how to order caramel macchiatos through the app, I deemed our bond unshakable.

The idea of boundaries was foreign – and even disturbing – to me. If I had wants or needs, I believed, I would be abandoned. I took what people said at face value, even though their actions didn’t match their words.

Lori Jean’s Relational Circle Boundaries transformed the way I look at relationships.  My “inner circle,” according to Lori Jean, is sacred. This is the place reserved for people who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and worthy of my love. The millennial behind the counter who schmeared my bagel with an extra layer of tofu cream cheese isn’t my new trusted confidant. She is an acquaintance until I determine otherwise.

Relationships take time to nourish and flourish. I need to be careful about who I count on and to be mindful about my expectations. Turning to the wrong people in times of need only ends up in disappointment. Lori’s Jeans five Relational Circle Boundaries has given me a simple and practical system to categorize all my relationships from romantic partners to business colleagues.

Sugar Blues

When my inner child is triggered, I don’t need to punish myself with self-destructive behavior. As a little girl, binging on bags of M&Ms, Twizzlers and boxes of Fruit Loops was the only way I knew how to survive my dire circumstances. This survival mechanism no longer serves me, especially since I am predisposed to diabetes. With the help of a series of carefully crafted experiential exercises, I now know I can be kind to my inner child, along with all the parts of me that have made me who I am.

After struggling through each phase of my life, I understand that my healthy adult can embrace self-love. She deserves it. Discovering ways to nurture myself through self-care in ways such as cutting down on sugar, getting back into running, meditating, having fun, and finding other ways to empower my mind, body and spirit is what will ultimately allow me to change the trajectory of my life. It’s hard work, but I have a road map.

The one-on-one therapy that is part of this comprehensive program allowed me to devise a personalized action plan catering to my unique needs and circumstances. Aside from learning about myself and exploring ways to realize more positive outcomes in relationships, I was comforted by the wonderful women who accompanied me on this enlightening adventure. I learned how to make world-class avocado toast (thank you “M”); discovered I still love to hustle to the Bee Gees (thank you “LJ”); and that I prefer sponge painting to paint brushes (thank you “C”). Spending five days with a group of compassionate females was life affirming. It doesn’t have to be all about “the guy.”

Another promising aspect of this relational retreat is that I can continue my transformation with my own personal advocate. I can PIVOT away from darkness – and step into a bright future, even in platform shoes from my disco days!

-Annette R.

Sublimation is one of the several defense mechanisms that people use to distance themselves from unpleasant emotions. While it is only human to resort to these strategies when we experience unwanted feelings, the truth is that most involve harmful and unhealthy behaviors. However, sublimation is a rare example of a coping mechanism that can be thought of as positive and beneficial. 

If you learn how to recognize these subconscious techniques we use to overcome harmful thoughts and feelings, you’ll gain a deeper awareness of your and others’ behavior. This may facilitate your personal growth and make you aware of what you wish to work on either in in-person workshops or with a relationship coach online. 

Read on to get a more in-depth understanding of the concept of sublimation and discover its most common examples. Also, learn how it can be a healthy strategy for overcoming difficulties in your relationship. 

What Is Sublimation According To Psychology?

When people experience unacceptable and painful emotions and thoughts, they have the urge to separate themselves from them. This urge can be manifested in different ways, called defense mechanisms. Sublimation is arguably the most mature and helpful of these. It involves the channeling of intensely destructive desires into something that’s socially acceptable, positive, and advantageous.

What Happens During Sublimation?

During sublimation, a person directs harmful desires and unpleasant emotions into something more beneficial and productive. This happens on a subconscious level and the person may not be aware of it. 

Is Sublimation A Healthy Coping Mechanism?

Sublimation generally promotes well-being, so it’s considered a healthy way to deal with stress, anxiety, and other undesirable emotions. This also differentiates it from the majority of other defense mechanisms. 

Unlike rationalization, where people try to justify their inappropriate behavior or repression, which involves burying unpleasant feelings, sublimation is all about transforming an unhelpful impulse into rewarding actions.

What Is A Real Life Example Of Sublimation?

Some of the common socially impermissible drives are associated with heightened aggression, unacceptable sexual feelings, as well as other distressing experiences. This defense mechanism is used to transform these detrimental urges into harmless, creative, and otherwise practical behaviors.

Sublimating aggressive urges

Anger and violence are notoriously difficult to manage. People sometimes reach for sublimation to find an outlet for these tendencies. This substitution of an inappropriate aggressive urge with a useful and healthy behavior can be a one-time occurence, like when someone goes for a long jog or vigorously cleans the house instead of succumbing to acute rage. 

On the other hand, the sublimation of strong violent tendencies can also have an overarching impact on a person’s life. For example, someone may choose a career in the police force or military, which can set a course for the rest of their life. Other long-term ways to sublimate aggression would be taking part in professional sports or another highly competitive field, like business and finance.

Sublimating inappropriate sexual impulses

If a person feels that their sexual urges are not acceptable, they may redirect them into creating original works of art or into achieving success in their careers. This may send them onto a path of lifelong success and even fame. 

Someone may curb the need to pursue multiple partners, for example, by choosing to take up a hobby, like playing an instrument or doing sports. This can have far-reaching effects on their marriage and family, as it may help them defeat the urge to cheat on and be dishonest to their partner.

Sublimating other painful emotions

Whenever a person is suffering emotionally, they can find a creative outlet to channel their feelings of hurt instead of sinking deeper into despair. Depending on their interests, some people may choose a pastime such as sewing clothes, redesigning their house, tending to a garden, and similar pursuits. 

If a person is grieving over the loss of a loved one to cancer, for example, it’s not uncommon for them to join a campaign for cancer awareness and focus their energy into advancing this cause.

How Can Sublimation Help My Relationship? 

Sublimation can be one of the strategies people unknowingly use to preserve and advance their romantic relationships. Here are several situations where sublimation may be helpful:

• If someone feels the need to be unfaithful in a relationship, they will sometimes cope with it by channeling their libido into something more constructive, like trying harder at work or concentrating on a hobby. Another possibility is to expend this sexual energy with their partner.
• If a person has had a streak of failed relationships, they could be disappointed in all women or men. Instead of blaming their exes and projecting this onto all potential partners, others will redirect their suffering into creative outlets.
• In case your partner has said something hurtful to you, you may want to act out on your rage on the spur of the moment, which could irreparably damage your relationship. Instead of venting through physical aggression, some people will do a gym session or go for a run and then come back to the situation level-headed.

Explore The Power Of Sublimation With An Understanding Relationship Coach Online

Getting to understand yourself and others equips you with important life skills that can help you cope with distressing feelings and maintain your well-being. Thanks to PIVOT, you can get to know your inner self better, learn how to use healthy coping skills, and apply this knowledge to everyday situations.

If you’d like to talk to our approachable relationship coaches, feel free to take part in one of our healing coaching sessions. Since it is our mission to assist your personal growth and development, we accept and welcome every person with open arms. We’d be happy to help you explore mature coping strategies in the safe and accepting setting of our retreat and show you a way out of the vicious cycle of toxic patterns. Let’s discover what you can do to mend your relationships, break away from unhealthy loops, and lead a happier, more fulfilling life.