Lori Jean Glass

Attracted To Unavailable People: How To Break The Pattern

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Most people desire things that are out of their reach, and it’s no different with romantic relationships. People who are unattainable often spark others’ interest. They’re hard to get and many people enjoy the chase. This attraction may even verge on obsession because the chase gets more and more intensified the more the object of your affection slips away.

An unavailable person may exhibit love avoidant characteristics, they could be in a relationship, or they might not be interested in pursuing a committed relationship at all. Either way, being attracted to someone you can’t have can be deeply hurtful, especially if this is a repeating cycle. Therefore, it’s important to discover why you are attracted to unavailable people, and how to break the pattern.

Does Being Unavailable Make You More Attractive?

Do you find yourself longing for people who slip out of your grasp? Are you more intensely drawn in the more they pull away? Do you crave deep intimacy but settle for emotional unavailability in a relationship? This is more common than you may think.

While not everyone will experience this, some people consistently gravitate toward those who aren’t interested in their romantic advances. They keep pursuing the same kind of partner, despite knowing that the chances of an actual relationship are slim.

This causes us to wonder if being aloof or unavailable makes one more attractive. Some may even take advantage of this by making themselves appear unavailable in a game of hot and cold.

Why Are Unattainable People Attractive?

Some people find themselves constantly falling for people who are either not interested, in another relationship, or non-committal. Here are a few reasons why it may happen:

The challenge: Most of us want what we can’t have, so the fact that something’s elusive often makes it irresistible. The desire to prove that you can win someone over may put you in an unhealthy loop. You scramble to make them notice you, you receive some attention that gives you a temporary high, and then you repeat the cycle. The real goal here isn’t to win the partner, it’s to prove that you CAN win.
A drive to be chosen: Being attracted to someone who is unavailable because they are already in a relationship can be fueled by a compulsive drive to be preferred, prioritized and chosen. A person can even build their self-worth on whether or not the object of their affection leaves another partner for them. This can become an emotionally unhealthy and uncontrollable way to build self-worth.
The mystique: People are captivated by the unknown, including in romantic relationships. Since the person doesn’t fully give in, there’s a part of them that remains out of your reach. You may be initially attracted by the rush of the unknown. This can have a powerful effect on you, keeping you enthralled and wanting to know more.
Deep-seated insecurity: In a way, it’s safe to have a crush on someone you can’t have. You might self-sabotage your love life by choosing to fall for unavailable people. This saves you the shame and humiliation of rejection because you already know that the relationship can’t develop.
The potential to idealize: Since the person maintains a distance and you can’t get to know them well enough, you’re free to fill in the blanks any way you want. People generally tend to see their crushes through rose-colored glasses and if the person is unavailable, then you don’t get to know them enough to stain the idealized version with real human flaws.
The excitement of the chase: When someone keeps you at arm’s length, whether consciously or not, this may push you to compete for their affection. Some people see this as a type of dare, where they need to persist against obstacles, which amps up the excitement. If you’e won the commitment you think you want, you may find yourself bored now that the challenge of the pursuit has ended.

How Do You Know A Person Is Emotionally Unavailable?

Someone who isn’t emotionally available will usually act a certain way, including:

Being standoffish at times
Giving lukewarm responses to your attempts at getting closer
Not wanting to open up and talk about their feelings
Being unwilling to share anything too personal
Being uncomfortable or now knowing how to respond to your vulnerability
They respond to a deepening relationship by wanting more alone time
They seem annoyed or disgusted (rather than shy or reserved) with feelings talk
They give intermittent reinforcement (emotionally connect at times and withhold at other times)
They have a relational history of not committing fully
The emotional connection they want does not match how physically close they want to be.

These people are generally uncomfortable with their own emotions an reluctant to share their feelings with others. Someone may act this way consistently, across all of the relationships that they have. On the other hand, people are sometimes simply not interested in pursuing a deeper connection, so they could be behaving like this because they don’t find you compatible.

Why Do I Gravitate Toward Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

If being drawn toward emotional unavailability is an old habit for you, the origin could be rooted in early age. Sometimes, your emotionally unavailable past relationships include those deep in your history, such as those with parents or caregivers. If your emotional needs weren’t met well, you may have not developed the skills to curate emotional intimacy with available, consistent partners.

Even when this pattern this makes you feel anxious or leaves you struggling with low self worth, you may find yourself drawn to the degree of emotional availability that is most familiar to you. This is true EVEN when this causes emotional pain, and even when doing so has left you badly hurt in the past.

If your parents were sometimes there for you emotionally, and at other times they weren’t, this is called intermittent reinforcement. It means that emotionally, your needs were met inconsistently. This can leave someone emotionally confused about how to seek secure partners.

If you’ve asked yourself “why am i attracted to unavailable woman?”, “are emotionally unavailable men all that’s out there?” or “do I even deserve love?”, then the pattern may be old.

You might be afraid to fully trust out of fear that you’ll be rejected or abandoned. The struggle between protecting yourself from this fear and longing for emotionally present romantic partners may leave you utterly lonely if you don’t recognize the attachment issue.

Why Do Emotionally Unavailable People Feel Safe To Me?

We think of being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as being inherently negative, but it could be a psychologically protective strategy. The flip side of this, though, is that these relationships perpetuate feelings of disconnection and lonely emotions.

If the painful emotions of relational trauma took root at a very early age, then choosing an emotionally unavailable partner may be a way that you try to wall yourself off from the potentially painful feelings of a real relationship.

The risk of pain lowers if your true self is never accepted, and therefore never rejected, abandoned or hurt. An emotionally unavailable person may feel “safe” in this way, even though the relationship dynamics leave you unsatisfied.

It takes time to learn how to choose partners differently and slowly grow trusting relationships. If we don’t, however, we’re prone to repetition compulsion, and may find ourselves wondering why each successive emotionally unavailable person fails to solve our low self esteem, and why we continue on loving someone unavailable.

Are They Emotionally Unavailable Or Slow To Connect?

Sometimes we can mistake slow and cautious connection for emotional unavailability. But how can we tell the difference?

If someone is slower than you to self-disclose personal details, that is not necessarily a red flag. Somebody may have different pacing than you do, or build intimacy more gradually. Slowing the roll doesn’t always mean that they have a fear of commitment.

A red flag may look like a person who refuses to self-disclose personal information, or who says that they don’t plan on self-disclosing, period. In this kind of red flag example, an emotionally available person may say something like “in time, I’d like to share that with you.” Emotionally unavailable people may say something like “I don’t want to talk about that. I’m not looking for anything heavy.” Do either of those sound familiar?

A partner may also struggle to be vulnerable for reasons that are personal to them. Being vulnerable is a process that looks different for everyone. Being afraid to connect emotionally, and moving slowly, may not mean that they are emotionally unavailable.

If you find that you tend to over-disclose a lot of personal detail, expect a partner to be emotionally connected quickly, or despair at the first sign of slower pacing, then you may need to look at how your craving for attention may be better served by a healthy dose of self love.

If your own fear has caused you see a partner’s autonomy as a red flag, then perhaps you aren’t attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Maybe your expectations have gotten in the way of living fully in an emotionally developing relationship.

Clear communication about yourselves and relationship goals is key.

How Do I Stop Being Attracted To Emotional Unavailability?

Since it doesn’t typically lead to a fulfilling relationship, being attracted to emotional unavailability can be a part of an unhealthy pattern. Here is what you can do to overcome it:

Get to the root cause of the problem: Recognize the main driving force behind your attraction to unattainable people. For example, you may realize that you prefer infatuation to an actual relationship or that your childhood wounds prevent you from giving a chance to a more available person.
Reassess your notions about romance: Once you’ve identified why you’re choosing partners the way that you do, you can work on changing your perception of romance. For example, you could evaluate the list of things you look for in a partner and decide to give different kinds of people a chance.
Try things you wouldn’t have tried before: Expose yourself to new experiences and people. Learn how to get out of the comfort zone of the familiar in other areas of your life to create more flexible thinking.
Discern intuition from pattern: If you feel drawn to someone, ask yourself if it’s because they are truly a good fit for you, or if you’re repeating a familiar cycle. This self awareness can be an important step toward change. Think about whether they could be a dependable partner instead of going after what you impulsively want in the moment.
Allow yourself to feel loved: Running after an unavailable person may leave you drained emotionally. Also, many people who are attracted to unavailability equate romance with withheld affection. To overcome this, you need to rewire yourself to look for reliability, support, care, and partnership.

Who Can Help Me Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People?

Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people can stop you from being able to enjoy a relationship completely. When it comes to choosing partners, you may subconsciously feel safer with unavailable ones, but your emotional needs pay the price. We can help.

At PIVOT, we work to help our clients understand the cycles they’ve been stuck in so that they can learn to choose, cultivate and enjoy relationships that are emotionally rewarding. Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people doesn’t have to be a life-sentence. Change is possible.

We can also shed light on many other issues, like how to recover from a breakup and get a fresh start, how to know whether you’re ready to commit and tie the knot, or how to have a better relationship with your partner’s friends.Take part in one of our coaching sessions for individuals to work on your specific issues or make reservations for our couples retreat to grow with your partner. Let us know what type of personal growth you’re interested in and let’s get started!

Getting Along With Your Partner’s Friends

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Being in a thriving relationship doesn’t only come down to finding a compatible partner. Relationships can become complicated by other people around you, including your friend group.

Most people feel an intense kinship to their friends and trust them without reservation. So, what happens if your friends don’t like your partner or your partner doesn’t want to give your friends a chance?

Learn how to overcome intimacy problems in relationships that stem from the disconnect between you and your partner’s friends. You’ll discover how to act when your partner’s friends don’t accept you, and when your partner doesn’t want you to get close to their friends.

Is It OK To Become Friends With Your Partner’s Friends?

Yes, this is absolutely normal. It’s inevitable that you’ll meet their friends as your relationship progresses and this may lead to developing friendships with them in your own right.

If your partner is opposed to you getting closer to their friends, this may be a cause for concern. It’s important to understand why they feel this way. It’s best to discuss this openly and respectfully so you can find a healthy and balanced solution to this disagreement. There may be different reasons, such as:

They’re jealous of you taking over their friend group.
They’re afraid of one of their friends developing romantic feelings for you.
They worry that you may find out something about them that they aren’t willing to share.
They could be acting differently when they’re with friends and when they’re with you.
They may be unsure of where your relationship is going and they don’t want it to affect their friendships.

Whatever the reason, it’s something that has to be addressed and resolved so that you can have an honest, fulfilling relationship going forward.

Do You Have To Be Friends With Your Partner’s Friends?

While people often do get rather close to some of their longtime partner’s friends, this is in no way necessary. However, most people want to be able to bring their friends and partner into the same social group from time to time. So, even if you aren’t close to their friends, it’s important to still be cordial to them.

If your partner is pressuring you into socializing with their friends more than you’d like to, it’s best to have a heart-to-heart with them. Tell them honestly why you don’t feel comfortable hanging out with them that intensively and try to find a middle ground.

What Do You Do If You Don’t Like Your Partner’s Friends?

You can’t get along with all the same people as your partner. This is perfectly normal and not a cause for concern. However, it wouldn’t be fair to expect your partner to end their friendships just because of your sentiments. Giving ultimatums isn’t a good idea because it antagonizes the other person. You need to be careful about making them feel like they’re choosing between you and their friends.

You can let them know that you’d rather spend some time apart and hang out with your friends while they spend time with theirs. It’s best if you’re upfront about it without insulting or judging their friends. Explain that you respect their friendships, yet don’t necessarily wish to be friends with the same people. An understanding partner will accept this and try to make it work.

What To Do When Your Partner’s Friends Don’t Like You?

Getting to know that your partner’s friends dislike you may be disappointing and disheartening. However, this doesn’t have to affect your relationship. Here are a few things that you can do to make the situation better:

Try to put yourself in their shoes: Try to understand what it is that makes them distrustful of you. For example, many people are jealous of their friends when they get into a new relationship and start spending more time with their partner. They may only need more time to adjust to and accept the change in their friend’s life.
Focus on the things you share: Identify the shared interests you have in common and try to bond over it. Showing a gesture of goodwill could go a long way and they may warm up to you more quickly. However, don’t push it if you see it’s not working. You don’t have to be friends with each other as long as you’re civil.
Stay respectful: Try not to start arguments with your partner’s friends even if they’re unpleasant to you. Remember that they don’t know you well anyway, so their dislike for you is probably down to some unresolved problems they have, like jealousy or insecurity.
Don’t invest too much effort into it: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go. If you can see that things aren’t working out, it may be for the best. If you’ve done your best to be amicable and they’re not playing along, it may be best to accept it and move on.

How Do I Stop Being Jealous Of My Partner’s Friends?

Your partner’s friends are a big part of their life and being jealous of them can cause strain in your relationship. While you may want your partner to dedicate all of their time to you, this wouldn’t be healthy. If you feel like they’re neglecting you because of their friends, you need to talk to them about it. Let them know how it makes you feel and see how you could resolve the issue.

Where Can I Find A Relationship Coaching Retreat For Reconnection?

If you and your partner have had a disagreement about your relationship with their friends, don’t worry. Our couples workshops help you work through issues such as this one. We can also support you through a difficult breakup or help you decide if it’s the right time to get married.

You can also enter our expertise-based individual coaching programs to find out how to establish a new relationship after a breakup, find a way to stop being attracted to unattainable people, or get over someone who ghosted you. Reach out to us to acquire new skills and improve your life!

Ghosting In Dating: What It Is & How To Handle It

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Online dating has opened up new opportunities. However, it’s also made the modern dating world more complex. While dating apps provide the opportunity to meet a wider range of people, they also bring some unique challenges of their own. One of them is the phenomenon of ghosting. While ghosting doesn’t happen in online dating exclusively, this form of communication makes it easier to disappear without a trace.

Find out what exactly is ghosting, why it happens, and if it can be one of the love avoidant symptoms. You’ll learn more about this common behavior and understand how to cope with it more successfully if you experience it.

Let’s face it – ghosting sucks. For some, they just play the dating game and move on with a laugh. Those people are not reading this blog!

What Is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a part of modern dating lingo that means that someone’s disappeared from your life all of a sudden and without warning or any explanation. You may be thinking that your relationship is going well and then the other person unexpectedly goes on radio silence. They may stop responding to your messages or even block you online.

If you’re being ghosted, it’s normal to feel confused, hurt, and betrayed. You may have opened up to the person and started to develop feelings for them, so it’s understandable for this kind of behavior to catch you off guard. Because you can’t have closure, you may keep thinking about the person and wondering if you’ve done something wrong.

How Long Before You Call It Ghosting?

Every relationship is different, so it’s impossible to give a clear-cut answer to this. Since you know how long it usually takes the person to respond to your calls or messages, you’ll probably realize that something’s wrong if they haven’t reached out for longer. In general, a few days without getting back to you can probably be explained away. However, anything longer than that may be a cause for concern.

What Is Caspering In Dating?

Caspering is one of the newest phrases coined and mostly used by the users of online dating apps. It’s similar to ghosting because a person stops communicating with someone they’ve been in contact with up until that moment.

However, caspering is a gentler form of ghosting because they don’t just start ignoring you out of the blue. Instead, they only sever the ties after they’ve let you know how they really feel. People who casper wish to end things amicably, so they’ll tell you why they think things won’t work out between you. Although it may still be hurtful, caspering is not as unhealthy as ghosting because it gives you closure.

Why Do People Ghost?

There are a couple of reasons why a person may ghost you:

It’s more convenient for them: Telling someone you’re not into them romantically is usually uncomfortable for both parties. People who ghost want to spare themselves the discomfort by avoiding this situation altogether. They take the easy way out by simply stopping all contact. However, the problem is that they don’t factor in the other person’s feelings. They rely on the idea that you’ll put two and two together on your own.
They have other options: Because of the nature of online dating, people are exposed to more potential partners than ever before. Many people communicate superficially with many people at the same time. They can easily dismiss someone because they’re looking into many different opportunities and they’re overwhelmed with the variety.
They aren’t ready to commit: It may be a matter of avoiding deeper connection. Some people prefer keeping their interactions at a superficial level and escape the relationship before it goes anywhere meaningful.

What Does Ghosting Say About A Person?

Generally speaking, ghosting stems from selfishness. People typically do it because it’s easier and more comfortable for them while at the same time showing disregard for the other person’s feelings.

These people may be showing signs of emotional immaturity because they’re willing to hurt the other person to avoid an unpleasant conversation. They also exhibit a lack of respect and empathy for others as they act in their own best interest without considering others.

How Do You Deal With Ghosting In A Relationship?

Most people have trouble letting go of relationships that ended without real closure. Ghosting may make you fixate on the person, thinking of all the things you could have done differently to keep them interested. It may have you going over your conversations in your head over and over again trying to think of explanations. However, this will only keep you going in circles without getting any answers.

In a way, overcoming ghosting is similar to getting over a messy breakup. Here are a few things you can do to make it easier on yourself:

Although it may be tempting, don’t try to contact the person. This likely won’t be productive and it may keep you from exploring other opportunities and meeting other people.
Don’t assume that you’ve done something wrong to drive them away. Ghosting is likely a result of their emotional immaturity and selfishness.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal and engage in activities that bring you joy, like hobbies and socializing with friends.
See what you can learn from the experience. You may want to distance yourself from dating apps for a while or take a different approach to dating in general.

Who Can Teach Me Healthy Tactics For Coping With Love Addiction Withdrawal?

If you’ve had an experience with ghosting and would like to find a new love afterward, reach out to PIVOT. Thanks to our helpful and carefully crafted individual coaching sessions, you can get a better understanding of your past experiences with unavailable people and pave the way for a successful romantic relationship. We also provide assistance to people in relationships as part of our customized couples coaching program. For example, if you’d like to know how to get along with each others’ friends or discover if marriage is the best next step to take as a couple, we can help. Give us a call to book a spot!

Transitioning Into Marriage: Are You Ready?

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

OK, so you’ve been in a relationship for some time. There comes a point when you or your partner start thinking about taking the next step. When this happens, you’re either ready or you’re not. And, that is true for your partner too.

Commitment in a relationship comes in many forms. The meaning of commitment is hopefully discussed prior to committing to a partner! Some people want long term marriage, others do not want to get married, and the list goes on.

This blog is about transitioning into marriage when both partners initially say they want marriage however may be reluctant now that the relationship has progressed.

If you truly love your partner and you’re certain of it, a relationship coaching retreat for a couple can help you understand what that block is.

How Long Am I Supposed To Date Before Marriage?

The readiness for marriage is different for most people. Trust has alot to do with it. Trusting your own decisions, trusting love, and trusting that this is your person. For some couples, a year is enough to realize their unequivocal commitment to each other. For others, it could be half a year and they’re off to get married, only to spend many years of happiness together.

However, there are also couples and people who may take a little while longer to decide to tie the knot and make the vow to spend the rest of their lives with another person. And that’s perfectly reasonable as well. We’re all different and we all operate in different rhythms.

However, deciding to get married requires both you and your partner to get to know yourselves on a deeper level. Both independently and together. How do your past experiences inform your views on relationships? Do your wants and needs line up?

Finally, it could be a good idea to wait until your relationship exits your “romantic” phase and transitions into your real-world chapter. This is when true love and commitment form and when you begin to understand whether you really love someone with your whole being and want to spend the entirety of your life with them.

How Do I Know If I’m Ready For Marriage?

The truth is that people who step into marriage and have healthy, lasting, experiences know one important fact. Commitment is the driving force that makes it work – and the ability to stay because of that commitment. The feelings of love will come and go in a long term relationship.

That still leaves the question of how to know you’re actually ready for marriage unanswered. Honestly, how can you know you’d be ready to begin this new chapter in your life if you’re questioning your readiness in the first place?

Even if you’re completely unaware that you might actually be more than ready to take your relationship further, you can start paying attention to the following signals:

You realize that you actually do want to spend your future with your partner. You enjoy each others company and have similar interests.
You feel a deep connection with your other half and respect who they are.
You trust, know, and truly love your significant other and can feel the reciprication.
You haven’t thought about changing your partner.
You’re good with making various long-term plans together.
You’re comfortable with your other half being around your family and friends and having their own interests outside of you.
You understand their past and what challenges they face when it comes to relationships.
You cannot imagine your future without them at your side.

Why Do I Not Feel Ready For Marriage?

Knowing if you’re not ready for marriage is just as important as knowing you are. It’s OK not to be ready, and the first thing you have to know is that you’re not at fault for not being prepared for marriage. Don’t let anybody tell you you’re wrong for feeling this way – you’re not. You are who you are, and each of us is ready at different points in our lives.

However, the problem that may arise is getting your partner to understand that you love them even though you’re not ready for the next step. Not being ready for marriage doesn’t mean there’s no longer love. You just might not be in the right place at the moment, and that’s not something to feel bad about.

On the other hand, it’s easy to succumb to the pressures of various people around you and simply get on with it because “it’s time” or because “it’s the right thing to do” or because “you’ve been together for so long”.

That’s why it’s important to know the common telltale signs of not being in a place to get married:

You seem to be more concerned with the wedding itself than life with your partner.
You realize that you still don’t completely place your trust in your partner.
You can’t picture yourself raising a child at this point in your life if having a family is something your partner wants soon.
You’re challenged making compromises with your significant other.
You feel like other people are putting pressure on you to get married.
You find your mind wandering if this relationship is the right one for you.

What To Do If I’m Not Ready For Marriage?

Be honest with yourself and try to find out why you’re not ready to take the leap. Maybe you’re not ready for the institution of marriage, or maybe you feel like your partner’s not the right fit for you.

Whatever the reason is, it’s up to you to look deep into yourself and try to understand it. After being honest with yourself, it’s time to be honest with your partner and tell them why you’re not ready to marry them.

This can be a tough conversation and you might want to find professional help to handle this. However, it’s a conversation you need to have. Be honest, true to yourself, and open with your partner.

PIVOT’s Relationship Coaching Retreat For A Couple Will Help You Understand If You’re Ready For Marriage

Marriage is a big deal, and not everybody’s ready for it at the same time. You might want to jump into it, certain of your love, or you might be scared of losing your passion once you get married and becoming increasingly complacent as the marriage progresses.

There are also other situations where you simply don’t believe marriage is the right choice. For example, you and your partner might be on the verge of a breakup only to attempt and glue it all together by taking the next step. Or you just aren’t feeling it, and that’s completely fine. No one can force you to tie the knot. However, you might only be scared and unable to let go of your life right now and open up to all the great things marriage can bring. If that might be the case, PIVOT’s here for you. Our individual workshops can help you work on your own issues, while our couple retreats are perfect for resolving problems in your relationship. Schedule your appointment today!

How To Find Love After A Breakup

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

For some people, the period leading to their breakup is the toughest. For others, it’s going through the actual breakup and dealing with the aftermath. For all of them though, it’s the getting back into the game that is often most difficult. Depending on why you broke up, it is often hard to trust again and jump back into the pursuit.

Suffering the emotional turmoil that breakups inevitably cause can leave all of us significantly scarred and scared to move forward and find love again. However, it’s important to move at your own pace, listen to yourself, and get over your breakup when you can. You can even learn how to heal and find love again at a relationship coaching retreat for singles by understanding yourself better and embracing positive change.

Is It Possible To Find Love After A Breakup?

A breakup’s nowhere near the end of the road, not by a long shot. No matter your age, needs and wants, fears and strengths, know this – love’s out there, waiting for you to find it. You can risk missing out on love if you shut down from resentment, depression, and fear.

While you may need some time to get over your breakup before looking for love, there are certain considerations to keep in mind:

It’s not a good idea to jump into a new relationship too soon. Give yourself some time to heal and become truly ready to find love again.
Get clarity on what your wants and needs are. Now that you have learned more about yourself, really spead time considering what your want and needs are. If you have attachment scars and wounds from past relationships – including your own family of origin – look at what is realistic to want and what you need to avoid more pain. Realistic expectations are key. This is where a relationship coach can be helpful.
Don’t avoid your friends and family when you’re feeling down. Talking to them will help you feel better and help you believe you deserve your wants and needs. They can inspire you to soon be excited about finding love again.
Stay away from past relationship reminders, as they can get you back into your negative state all too quickly and stop you from realizing new love is possible.
Nurture your own mental health to prevent yourself from falling into a downward spiral of despair, thinking you won’t experience the joy of love again. Reaching out to a relationship coach may be helpful to start the recovery process.

How Do I Heal A Broken Heart?

Getting over a breakup’s one thing. Healing a broken heart is something entirely different.

When a new person comes along, you may realize that your heart’s far from mended. You simply can’t feel what you want or hope to feel, and you may find that opening up to a potential new partner is more challenging than you imagined.

You may find the following helpful to access positive energy which can help shift some of the residual pain.

Find a new source of fun, joy, and happiness other than being in a relationship. Learn to love yourself again.
Create a list stating all the things you love about yourself and the features you hope to improve.
Freely express your fears, feelings, and needs to those close to you and allow yourself to heal through sharing.
Avoid participating in activities that could remind you of your ex or your breakup, however, don’t run away from acknowledging your feelings.
Turn to a relationship coach who can help you make better sense of everything you’re going through.

How Long Does It Take To Find Love After A Breakup?

There’s no answer to the amount of time it takes to find your love. However, know is can be difficult to find new love without actually starting to look for it. Know that you can’t hope to experience love without being ready to experience it. Know that you won’t find love without healing your heart and being open to new experiences, people, and feelings.

That can take as long as you need. Sometimes, you may feel well healed, and happy, and you may have left your past woes behind. You’re just not ready to love again and to share moments, dreams, and hopes. That is ok! TAKE YOUR TIME. You are in charge of that clock – no one else is.

Focus on yourself, your openness, readiness, and willingness to love and be loved again. That way, you’ll be truly ready for a new relationship and all the incredible feelings it brings. Don’t push it away when you find it – recognize it and embrace it. And remember that those who have loved have hurt, and have also loved again.

How Do I Start A New Relationship After A Breakup?.

When you’re truly ready to be open and experience the joy of support, sharing moments, and looking forward to the future together, it’s time to find love again. When that time comes, there’s a lot you can do to make your new beginning easier:

Remember to embrace a positive mindset and be open to new people.
Be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t want from your partner.
Prevent yourself from comparing new people with your ex.
Take it slow and enjoy every step of getting to know somebody new again.
Be your most authentic self and allow others to appreciate you for everything that you are.
Give your new flame some time and give yourself some time as well.
Look at the positives of your potentially new person.
Don’t put up walls when entering a new relationship.

PIVOT’s Here To Help You Facilitate A Relationship With Our Coaching For Singles

Know that couple coaching sessions and working on your relationship can be helpful to determine if you are in the right relationship. And, at times know that a breakup could be inevitable.

Know that’s not the end of the road. Allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need and that you’re going to get back up sooner than you might think. One day, you’ll find yourself ready to begin dating again and find the love of your life. And at that time, it’ll feel like the whole new world’s opened up to you. If you’re finding it hard to let go and move on, PIVOT’s here to help you. Our advocates are here to listen to you and resolve your issues at our individual workshops. They have the experience, expertise, and empathy to help you. Reach out to us today and schedule an appointment that suits you.

Breadcrumbs In Dating: What It Is & How To Deal With It

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

While it has become easier to connect to more people than ever thanks to the unprecedented popularity of online dating, many of the intricacies of the dating world nowadays leave people perplexed. Breadcrumbing is a particularly hurtful behavior that you could come up against while searching for that special someone. If you’d like to find out what it is and how to deal with it with the help of online relationship coaching, read on.

What Does Breadcrumbing Mean?

While the behavior it describes has been around forever, the term breadcrumbing is one of the newest additions to the dating jargon. Breadcrumbing means that someone is showing interest in you without becoming fully invested in the relationship. This person is effectively leading you on by providing you with the bare minimum of their time and effort, that is, breadcrumbs.

What Are Some Examples Of Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing usually happens in the first stages of a relationship, while people are just getting to know each other. It can also happen with an ex, especially if your relationship ended recently. It can take many forms, such as:

Communicating inconsistently: They may shower you with different forms of attention one day and then ghost you for a while.
Disappearing without explanation: They don’t tell you why they weren’t responding to your texts or calls, or provide an unconvincing excuse.
Sending mixed messages: For example, they may like your posts on social media while not replying to your texts or returning your calls.
Keeping you at arm’s length: Even though you’re communicating relatively regularly, they don’t reveal much about themselves. For example, they may routinely respond to your texts with emojis or memes instead of communicating in a meaningful way.
Wriggling out of dates: They say they’d like to meet up while not setting specific dates and wriggling out of your attempts to schedule a date.
Not being honest about only wanting a sexual relationship: They’re only interested in having sex without building emotional intimacy and they don’t disclose it openly.
Showing up when you grow distant: If they feel you’re losing interest, they may start contacting you more frequently only to go MIA again after a while.

Why Does Someone Keep Breadcrumbing?

People leave breadcrumbs when they’re in two minds about the relationship. They aren’t entirely enthusiastic about pursuing it. However, they don’t want to completely dismiss it either. There are many reasons why someone would do this, like:

They may be playing the field and holding off on the relationship in case someone else comes along.
They could just be passing the time without any serious intentions.
They may only want casual sexual encounters and not be after a relationship at the moment.
They could be emotionally unavailable because they’re thinking about someone else.
They may have intimacy issues that keep them from establishing deep, meaningful connections.
They may be stringing you along intentionally because your affection boosts their ego.
If they’re an ex, they could be finding it difficult to move on while not willing to actually rekindle the romance.

Sometimes, while it may seem like the person is breadcrumbing, they may just be too afraid of rejection. They may be too insecure to let their feelings show, so they keep you at bay, waiting for you to make the next move. However, if this is the case, they will typically respond well to your attempts to set dates and build a more intimate connection.

Is Breadcrumbing Emotional Abuse?

Breadcrumbing can be deeply hurtful, confusing, and disorienting to the person who’s on the receiving end. Holding onto a breadcrumber isn’t only emotionally underwhelming and unsatisfying. It also keeps you from establishing a fulfilling, supportive relationship.

Breadcrumbers may or may not be aware of how painful their behavior is. Some people don’t realize that the other person wants a deeper connection, so they feel like a superficial relationship suits both of them. Others may breadcrumb intentionally, so they can get sexual favors or an ego boost.

Whatever the case, if you’re experiencing it, it’s advisable to find a healthy way to deal with it and stop getting hurt.

Can You Confront A Breadcrumber?

Yes, openly talking to the person about your relationship is one of the ways to find out what’s going on and potentially grow a deeper connection. You can tell them that it seems like you’re looking for different things in a relationship. Talk to them about what you expect and don’t feel like you’re getting. Also, ask them how they envision your relationship. If your ideas differ significantly, it’s better to go your separate ways. Otherwise, someone’s expectations may go unmet.

What To Do If Someone Is Breadcrumbing You?

There are several ways in which you can find out if the situation really is breadcrumbing and try to progress the relationship. For example, you could:

Discuss the situation with them openly. If they aren’t up for the same level of commitment or say they are and nothing changes soon, it may be best to move on.
Suggest the time and location for a date. If they cannot find the time for you or say yes and then cancel at the last minute, it’s a red flag.
Clearly show that you’re interested. If they’re only shy and need some encouragement, they’ll be receptive to your advances.

How Can Coaching At The Glass House Center Help Me Overcome Breadcrumbing?

Here at PIVOT’s Glass House Center, you can attend personalized individual coaching to find out more about yourself and your relationship. You may explore your experience with breadcrumbing and realize how to build stronger, more lasting bonds with romantic partners.In addition, some of our workshops are attended by couples who wish to understand their relationship better. For example, you and your partner may be wondering why you’ve become so alike and would like to delve deeper into how you influence each other. Reach out to us and begin this revealing experience today!

In A Relationship & Thinking About Someone Else: What To Do?

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Lori Jean Glass

Relationships face many challenges over the years. While infidelity can definitely be the death of a relationship, can thinking about another person have the same effect? If you’re in a committed relationship and you’re trying to make sense of your attraction to another person, read on. You’ll discover the reasons that may be causing this attraction, such as being in a love avoidant relationship, so that you can take the first step toward dealing with these challenges.

Why Am I Thinking About Someone Else While In A Relationship?

Feeling attracted to someone while you’re in a committed relationship can be confusing and troubling. However, this can happen to anyone and for many reasons, like:

You’re excited by the newness of the situation: If you’ve been in an exclusive relationship for a while, the excitement of the honeymoon period is long gone. Sometimes, you may just be looking for a change, and your attraction for a new person provides you with the excitement you crave. However, you can often recreate the same sense of adventure within your existing relationship if you make some small changes and rekindle the passion.
Something in your relationship isn’t working: You may not like the other person as much as you dislike an aspect of your relationship. Maybe there’s a long-standing issue in your relationship that you can’t seem to solve. Your interest in the new person may be a distraction from these disappointments. While your relationship is very real, with all its ups and downs, your crush is most likely a blank canvas that you can fill with fantasy of what you wish you had.
The other person is offering you something your partner isn’t: The other person may have attracted you by reminding you of something you lack in your relationship. For example, your partner may not show enough support for your ambitions and this person may seem very nurturing and supportive.

Is Thinking About Someone Else Considered Cheating?

This depends on the partners’ views on fidelity. While some people draw the line at physical affection, others consider thinking about another person to be as serious. However, in most monogamous relationships, whether you think of it as cheating or not, finding out that your partner harbors intense romantic feelings for someone else is very hurtful.

Do I Need To Break Up With My Partner If I Have Feelings For Someone Else?

No, you don’t have to end your relationship because you’re attracted to another person. The attraction will likely die down if you don’t nurture it. There are also several things you could do to get over your crush and continue thriving in your current relationship.

On the other hand, you may also decide to pursue a different path and further explore your relationship with the new person. In both cases, it’s important to be honest to both people and set things straight. This choice typically ends up producing more problems. It never is quite like you think it will be. Jumping from one relationship to another is not the best way to end a long-term relationship.

What Do You Do If You’re In A Relationship And Like Someone Else?

Although it may seem counterintuitive, this newfound attraction can actually help your existing relationship. Yep, you read that right. It can make you reflect on some important things about yourself, your expectations, and how your current partner fits into it. Here are some things to try:

Give it some time: You need to give yourself some time to think about things and determine what the actual source of your attraction is. Does it signal that you’d like a change in your relationship? Is it only passing infatuation? Or maybe you could actually be a match? These questions are for you to answer, don’t rush it; however set some bottom lines for yourself. If you don’t set some bottom lines, it could become physical and you may end up cheating on your partner. This can bring devastating consequences. .
See what you can learn from it: Reflecting on your crush can give you an invaluable insight into what you need and want from a relationship. You may become aware of some aspects of your relationship that are rubbing you the wrong way. You can then use this understanding to work on your bond with your partner.
Keep your distance: If you decide that you want to stay in your current relationship, protect it by staying away from your crush. If possible, avoid meeting them or interacting with them online and in person. No Contact. If you can’t help communicating with them, perhaps you work together, don’t try to charm them or connect with them on a deeper level. Although it’s difficult to stay away, this is the best way to get over them. Please, get help if you don’t want to damage your committed relationship.
Try to make changes in your committed relationship: Once you’ve established that there’s room for improvement, talk to your partner openly and try to work on the challenges together. You’ll likely grow even closer when you share your feelings this way. Also, you’ll probably have your needs met more effectively. You’ll probably also find out what you could be doing to make your relationship stronger.
Channel the sexual energy into your relationship: Spice up your sex life or go on more dates to bring back some of the excitement of the initial stages of your relationship. This will give you a sense of newness and help you rediscover the things that made you fall in love with your partner in the first place.

Where Can I Find A Great Private Couple Retreat For Reconnection?

Thanks to our experience and compassion, PIVOT can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship. Our tailored curriculum will make you think about your early experiences and how they’ve shaped the person you are today. If you’ve had a hurtful experience, such as breadcrumbing, you can learn important takeaways and how to avoid it in the future. Simply sign up for our client-centered coaching sessions for individuals.

If you’d like to approach your relationship challenges as a couple, we also offer comprehensive couples workshops where you can work on issues together. Our friendly relationship advocates will guide you through the process of growing stronger as a unit. Get in touch with us to start the exciting journey of healing and discovery!