Lori Jean Glass

What Is Love Addiction?

Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

I used to be labeled a “love addict.” That’s why I focused my early behavioral health career on love addiction… to deeply understand it.
However, after working alongside my gifted staff of therapists and healers at Five Sisters Ranch, I learned the truth. Love itself is not addictive.
In fact, naming a condition “love addiction” is counterintuitive and shameful.
If you’re told you’re a love addict, and you’ve experienced abandonment wounds from your childhood, then you may be craving love. And that unmet longing is driving every single relationship.
However, with this label, you don’t feel like you can show up healthy in any relationship because you go into every relationship wounded.
Why? Because, if you love too much, you feel like “there’s the example of my love addiction.”
I remember when I was thirty-nine, I was in a therapist’s office, broken-hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to go on.
That was when I was labeled as a love addict. Someone not capable of giving or receiving love.
However, that definition didn’t make sense to me. Although my relationship didn’t feel loving, what I felt was a constant and intense longing to be loved.
In fact, I was chasing relationships with the hopes of finally experiencing a sense of belonging. This translated to me being a “stage five cling-on.” I couldn’t be alone. I always had to be in a relationship.
So, when I was told I was a love addict, it confused me because the “cure” I was given was to not draw attention to myself, stay out of relationships for one year and attend a “love addicts” group to listen to others share their stories of abuse.
The “prescription” seemed totally counterintuitive as I felt more abandoned, and alone. What I always wanted was to love and be loved, and now I couldn’t because I was addicted to love. I had to stay away from love, which made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be loved.
It made no sense.
After all, how could I be addicted to something that I had never experienced? What I was addicted to was chasing unavailable people.

What Is Love Addiction Really?

“Love addiction” is painful, because at the core – it is filling a void caused by a lack of nurturing and attention at a young age.
It’s an unhealthy attachment to people, romance or sex to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, fill our loneliness and maintain balance.

Addiction To Affection

Love addiction develops from experiencing an avoidant bond in childhood. This could be from a parent who was gone all the time, or couldn’t connect with you, or had their own wound and couldn’t nurture you.
This then leads to craving love.

Understanding Relationship Addiction

Unfortunately, “love addicts” usually pick a love avoider to partner with, which triggers the unhealthy cycle for the love addict, because the love avoider is terrified of anyone get too close, so they push you away. – And, that type of person is familiar.
“Love addicts” live in a chaotic world. They are fearful of being alone or rejected, so they endlessly search for that special someone to make them feel whole.
They become attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” instead of wanting the peaceful intimacy of healthy relationships.
This leads them to spending their time hunting for “the one.” Their life choices become focused on the search for this perfect relationship – from wardrobe choices to hours at the gym, to doing hobbies that may not interest them.
They live for the hope of finding the one person who will fill their void.

How Does Love Addiction Start?

Early childhood relationship patterns are the first place to look when working to break the bonds of love addiction.
Working with clients, I see that issues in adult relationships relate to childhood experiences. You’re drawn to what’s familiar, regardless of how good it is for you. It is what you know.
Addiction or attachment disorder becomes a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to fill the hole of an abandonment wound from childhood.
If you’ve experienced any of the following and have not taken the time to heal your wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to “love addiction”:

Your parents got divorced
One or both of your parents were alcoholic
You were adopted
You lost a sibling or parent at a young age
You were abused
Your parents were emotionally unavailable
You were neglected
You were afraid of being abandoned
You didn’t get validation from your parents

When a child grows up and watches their parents go through a bad divorce, their experience complicates their view of attachment in relationships, creating an attachment disorder.
This drives us to either want overly dramatic and intense emotions in relationships (“love addiction”) or to detach completely for fear of neglect and abandonment (“love avoidance”).
In either case, the result is a disconnected and unhealthy relationship.

Facing Love Addiction

If you have an attachment disorder or you are a “love addict,” it doesn’t mean you are stuck with this forever.
When I was told I had a love addiction, I dug deeper. I wanted to find out where the pain was coming from. What I discovered was that I felt abandoned and I didn’t know how to be alone.
I realized that my love addiction was based on getting validation that I’m lovable and a worthy human, which was denied in childhood. Unfortunately, the pattern is to choose the same kind of person as the parent who was unable to give the genuine love, caring and emotional support.
This leads to a cycle, or addiction.
However, just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships.

Love Addiction Intensive Workshop: Break The Pattern Of Love Addiction

If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever. Instead, be open to change and find a therapist to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. Apart from individual and personalized coaching, we also provide 5 day relationship workshops at our love addiction retreat, The Glass House. We’re here to help.

The Old-Fashioned Dating Methods Can Work Today

Posted on November 29, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Modern forms of dating, online dating, dating apps, group meet-ups, and speed dating, have become for many, the preferred way of dating over old-fashioned dating.
Getting to know someone takes time…that we can all agree.
The old-fashioned dating approach to dating does still work. It’s not about going back to the traditional dating rules… face-to-face meetings, girls didn’t call boys, the guy always pays.
The rules have changed – it’s become complicated.
The old-fashioned dating methods are based on showing respect and appreciation for the other person while taking time to get to really get to know each other.
Dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Read our list of the best old-fashioned dating methods that still work today and see how you can use them in your dating approach.

1) Spend quality time together with no technology

Put away your smartphone, close your laptop and simply enjoy the quality time together, face to face, the old-fashioned way.

2) Be fully present

Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your fully focused attention. Instead of immediately talking about yourself, start with a question that is focused on them. When you are with your date, give them your full attention. Be present.

3) Express your sincere appreciation

If you appreciate something that your date does, make sure you tell them. Don’t make the mistake of appreciating or valuing someone too lightly. It will be too late once the date is finished. And, if you forget, send them a short text.

4) Focus on inner beauty

The essence of a person is more than just physical. Instead, focus on what’s inside… energy, sense of humor, values, and beliefs.

5) Make romantic gestures

Make an effort to be romantic. Show your appreciation with small gestures that will make your date feel like you care and are comfortable showing emotion.

6) Let him lead

Feminism has come a long way; however, there is still something special about slipping into your feminine side so you can empower your date to be in his masculine. It becomes a welcoming balance.

7) Pay each other compliments

To make your date feel appreciated, remember to pay each other compliments. Just make sure they are genuine. It doesn’t hurt to remind each other that you find each other sexy, funny or sweet.

8) Find someone who makes you laugh

This is sound advice that your grandmother would probably give you. Best of all, research agrees with her. The couples that laugh together stay together.

9) Be chivalrous

There is something sweet about chivalry… bringing flowers to dates, opening the car door, or pulling out a chair. Most feel special with these little gestures. It shows you appreciate them.

10) Make eye contact

When you’re out on a date – don’t be focused on your phone. Instead, gaze into each other’s eyes and see how that ignites your attraction for each other.

11) Take things slow

Although it’s widely accepted that people sleep together on the first date, it’s worth waiting to get to know someone first. This helps to build a real connection with someone first instead of just having a physical connection.

12) Write letters to each other

If you want to express yourself adequately, especially if you are describing something emotional, don’t use text. Instead, write a letter. It’s more romantic, shows you care, and you’ll have plenty of room to really express how you feel.

13) Don’t fight in public

Arguing in public makes things uncomfortable for everyone around you. No one wants to be involved in your disputes. The good news is that if you wait to get home, then you have time to reflect and cool down.

14) Makeup in person

Fighting and making up via text is ineffective. Words can be misinterpreted. Not only that, tone and body language are key to understanding the meaning of communication. When you argue and makeup, always do this in person.
In summary, use the old-fashioned dating methods to show your date respect, appreciation, and interest. Be open. Be yourself. Be attentive.
We recommend trying these tried and tested methods in your dating approach to see what difference it makes in your relationship.
If you would like to learn about our individual coaching program on healthy dating, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

Not Ready to Date Again Just Yet? We Look at 7 Signs

Posted on November 2, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

So are you, or are you not ready to start dating again? You may be keen to start dating soon after a break-up, but how soon is too soon? How long should you wait before dating again? Is it bad to date right after a breakup?
The answer is that there’s no specific timing. There is no formula for everyone to follow – like all things at PIVOT – everyone is unique. Some people would benefit from attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles while others may favor a different approach, such as one-on-one sessions with a relationship coach.

How Do You Know You’re Not Ready To Date?

Some people start dating within days of ending their previous relationship. Others are lonely but not ready to date and feel like they need to spend the same amount of time being single as they were in their last relationship.
However, if dating seems too hard now, or you feel anxious at the thought of sitting opposite a stranger and talking about yourself… then you may not be ready to date right now.
The good news is that it’s not permanent. It means you may need to take time to heal first.

How Soon Is Too Soon After A Breakup?

If you’re wondering if you are ready or not to date, here are 7 signs you’re not ready to date:

1) You’re Not Over Your Ex

If the pain from breaking up with your ex is still fresh and raw, then perhaps you haven’t healed from your past relationship.
Ask yourself…

Does seeing your ex with someone new make you jealous, sad or angry?
Do you keep in touch regularly?
Do you talk about your ex in general conversation?
Do you compare others with your ex?

If you said “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you may not be ready to let someone new into your life.
It’s important to let go of the past relationship before you commit to someone else.

2) You Keep Making The Same Dating Mistakes

Some people have unhealthy dating patterns. They seem to date the same type of person, choose an unavailable partner, or they attract people who bring out their worst.
These unhealthy dating choices are typically based on past experiences… a reaction to our parents’ relationship or our own relationship experience.
In either case, a negative relationship experience can have a deep impact on our capacity for healthy relationships.
If this has happened to you, then the best way to move forward is to seek professional help, so you understand what your typical attachment style is and how to choose to date someone who is more compatible.

3) You Change Yourself To Be What You Think The Other Person Wants

One signal that you’re not ready to date is that you feel like you need to change yourself to be what the other person wants. If you don’t cook – don’t say you do! You will find yourself panicking at the first invitation for them to come to your house for dinner!
If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what makes you special. Appreciate your positive qualities.
If you do feel like you need to change for the other person, then this might be a sign that your old relationship gave you insecurities about who you are or your self-worth. Remember, it’s important to bring yourself to a relationship, not lose yourself in it.
Take time to reconnect to yourself, determine your values and find out what you like and don’t like.
Most of all, love yourself for the special, and unique person that you are.

4) You’re Looking For Someone To Complete You

If you believe that a relationship is going to fill your “emptiness,” then you’re not ready to be in a relationship or start dating yet.
You may be looking for someone to fill a role in your life… rather than looking to share your life with someone.
You first need to feel whole and confident as a single person before being ready to share your life with another person. If you have untreated attachment wounds, it is hard to find healthy self-esteem to bring to the dating process.
The best relationship you need to have is with yourself.
Start by validating your own existence, instead of counting on someone else to do that for you. And remind yourself that a relationship doesn’t define you.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself first. Once you feel whole, then you can invite someone to share your life.

5) You Are Working On Yourself Right Now

If you feel like you have some work to do on yourself, then you may still have unresolved issues or pain in your life.
And that’s ok.
You need to be ready to let someone else into your life.
After all, it’s not possible to be available for others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first.
The key is to work through your pain, don’t ignore it; otherwise, you’ll be emotionally vacant.
It’s crucial to feel happy, balanced and healed.
If you’re not happy with yourself, your job, your health or your life in general, then you need to own and get straight with your challenges first. Being single and facilitating a relationship is hard work, especially if you haven’t yet become the person you want to be, and an intensive workshop or one-on-one coaching may be exactly what you need.

6) You Have Trust Issues

Trust takes time. Not being able to fully trust someone over time that you let into your life is a sign you’re not ready to date.
Although you may want love and to be loved, lacking trust in your relationship from the past will make it difficult for you to emotionally attach to someone because you don’t want to get hurt.
Trust issues come from past hurts that may have occurred in previous romantic relationships or from unhealthy family relationships during childhood. Or both.
Many people with trust issues know they have trouble in their relationships, but don’t realize it comes from a trust problem.
Before you are ready to date, you will need to work through your trust issues and heal from past hurts.

7) You Want Someone To “Save” You

A healthy relationship is not about saving each other. It’s about giving and sharing.
If you feel like you need someone to “save” you, then you need to look deeper at the real issues.
First, you need to fix yourself, find out what makes you happy, think about what needs to change.
When you know you have something to give and share with others, then you know you’re ready to start dating seriously.
If you say to yourself:

I’m such a mess. I need help.
Why am I so insecure?
Am I good enough for a relationship?

…then you need to heal these issues first before you are ready to start dating.
If you don’t do this, then you’ll attract a partner that wants to “save” people, or someone with the same issues.
And, the wounded cycle repeats itself…

How To Tell Someone You’re Not Ready To Date?

Recognizing that you are not yet ready for a relationship takes maturity. If you are aware that you still have some unresolved issues that you need to tackle, then you should make that clear to any potential partners you may encounter.
If you’ve met someone and want to let them know that you’re not prepared to commit, here’s how you can do so nicely:

Be honest and open
Ask them what their idea of a relationship is
Check if they are willing to take things slow
Compromise if possible
Don’t sugarcoat and give them false hope

The most important thing here is that you don’t let anyone pressure you into a relationship if you’re not 100% certain that you are ready. If you need support while navigating the dating world and understanding your own needs, consider seeking out a relationship coaching retreat for individuals and you may just find the strength and stability you need before getting into another relationship.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready To Date Again?

To help you determine when you may be ready to date again, ask yourself these questions:

Do I think that I’ll eventually find the person I want?
Do I believe that I’m a worthwhile partner?
Do I trust that I’ll have a great new relationship in the future?
Do I think that I’m over the pain from my past relationships?
Do I think of the good things I did in my past relationship?
Do I believe my previous partner did care for me?
Do I believe I’ve learned what I need to know to try dating again?
Do I feel confident knowing what to do differently next time?
Do I know without a doubt that I will respectfully get out of a relationship that is unhealthy for me sooner rather than later?
Do I believe that things work out the way they’re supposed to?

If you answered yes to at least seven of the questions, then you may be ready to date again.

How Do I Go Back To Dating After Years Of Being Single?

Getting back into the dating scene after a lengthy break can be a scary experience. If you’ve spent a long time by yourself, you may be uncertain about meeting new people and sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with someone else. Whether you’re going back to online dating or trying to find someone in your friend circle, we have some tips that might make putting yourself out there easier:

Don’t take dating too seriously: even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, try to have fun while dating. Don’t be hesitant to flirt and explore your options on dating apps. It may help you regain confidence and prepare you for the right thing when it comes.
Go out with your friends: your chances of meeting someone worthy will be very slim if you never leave your house. Hit up your friends and enjoy a fun night out instead. You may just meet someone that sparks your interest.
Ask around: there’s a perfectly good chance that your friends know someone that you may like. Going on a date or two can’t hurt, and if your friends know you well, they should be able to find a potential match for you.
Take it slow: if you haven’t dated for a while after a bad breakup or divorce, your self-esteem may not be in the best shape. Make sure not to rush yourself into a new relationship and give yourself time to think about what you really want.
Consult professionals: contacting a relationship coach or attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles may help you understand yourself and your needs better and in turn make the entire dating process far more enjoyable.

Experience The Best Relationship Coaching Retreat For Individuals

Remember, the more you value yourself, understand what you want and can give, then the more effective you’ll be identifying what a good relationship versus an unhealthy one is. Whether you’re trying to rebuild a relationship after a breakup or trying to start things with someone new, PIVOT is here to help you.
If you would like more advice on how to heal from past hurts so you can be ready to date again, contact PIVOT. Our personalized individual coaching sessions and intensive five-day couples retreats help you identify what you want and need in relationship with others. You’ll be able to identify much healthier matches in dating with the PIVOT process. Reach out to us today!

First Date Tips – How to Survive (and Enjoy) Your First Date

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

So you’re looking for first date tips. Are you ready to get back into dating? Maybe it’s been a while since you have dated. Or perhaps you haven’t had good experiences.
If so, we recommend you doing our Dating with a Purpose module with an Advocate at PIVOT! As a teaser, here are a few general first date tips to survive and enjoy your first date.

1. Location, location, location

Plan the first date to include a short meet and greet. You do not want to box yourself into an evening with someone that you do not know or trust yet.
It’s important to feel comfortable being YOU on your first date. You are not there to be who you think they need you to be – represent yourself.

2. Remember your date is a date — not your therapist

The goal of a first date is to have a good time, connect and keep the conversation flowing so you can learn about each other.
Save talking about your problems or flaws until you know they are interested in getting to know you more.
This also means that you don’t want to be a completely open book. If you do, then what is there to look forward to for the next date?

3. Don’t talk about yourself the whole time

This follows from the tip above – you may talk because you’re nervous, but make sure you ask questions and get to know your date.
Of course, you want to be open, but don’t monopolize the conversation.

4. Be yourself

The best first dates are the ones where you can be yourself. Relax and let your true authentic self shine through. This will give you confidence, which your date will see.

5. Really listen

Be a better listener and practice actively listening – without interrupting.
There’s nothing worse than someone who’s not paying attention. You’ll feel embarrassed asking a question your date answered five minutes ago.

6. Open body language

Make sure you have open body language – keep your arms relaxed, not folded; smile and make eye contact.

7. Keep an open mind

This tip is key… your perfect match doesn’t mean they will be perfectly compatible. Don’t make assumptions or discount your date if they work in a “boring” profession or have different hobbies than you.
They may surprise you. And you may discover things you have in common that are more important, such as values and goals.

8. Offer to pay

Be prepared and offer to pay – even if they asked you to meet with them. It shows courtesy and consideration. And it feels better for everyone, no matter who ends up paying.

9. Send positive signals if you are interested

One of the most difficult parts of a first date is trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you or not.
If you’re having a good time and you like your date, then send signals – flirt, smile, laugh, look into each other’s eyes, and the message will become clear.
Or, better yet, tell them that you are having a good time.

10. Don’t be wishy-washy

Don’t be a pushover. If your date tells you they want to hang out in a bar, but you don’t drink, then tell them.
This is the same advice for being decisive: If your date asks what you’d like to eat, don’t say “I don’t care, whatever is fine.”

11. Don’t be attached to your phone

Leave your phone in your bag, on silent, and be focused and attentive to what your date is saying.
There is nothing more rude than being glued to your phone… being distracted by every beep, sound and vibration. Or worse, answering a call.

12. Make sure you ask questions – the right ones

First dates are supposed to be a playful and fun way to get to know someone new.
One way to get to know them is to ask questions. This also helps in keeping the conversation flowing.
But you want to avoid questions relating to politics, religion, exes, and their income. Leave that until you know them well.
Topics you may want to ask questions about include:

Work
Family
Hobbies
Pop culture
Favorite music
Sports
Travel
Pets
What do they do in their free time?

13. Don’t get drunk

No matter if you like a drink or two, for the first date, stay in control of what you say and do.

14. Don’t have sex on the first date

Make sure you maintain boundaries on your first date and don’t have sex straight away.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

15. Don’t talk about your ex on the first date

Talking about your ex on a first date can lead to lots of questions, doubts and assumptions. Leave your discussion about your ex for later.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.

16. Be safe and have fun!

In summary, believe in having a positive outcome for your date. Be open. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
If you would like more first date tips and more importantly, advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

5 Dating Signals to Recognize if You Want a Healthy Relationship

Posted on July 10, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Perhaps you’ve been dating for a while, but you’re not sure that you’re really ready for a relationship. After all, you are independent. You are happy on your own. And you don’t need anyone to complete you. But you are starting to think about sharing your future with the person you are dating.
Here’s the good news… creating a successful and healthy relationship doesn’t need to be hard, stressful or tedious. With guidance from an insightful remote relationship coach, you’ll be able to recognize favorable and unfavorable dating signs and start nurturing a lasting and stable relationship with the right person.

How Do You Know If You Are Dating The Right Person?

Only you can tell if the person you’re dating is the right match for you. If you are at peace with your own self, insecurities and all, then finding a partner to create a healthy relationship with shouldn’t be too much of a challenge.
A relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect. If both you and your partner are ready to commit and provide healthy emotional support, you have good chances of maintaining a loving and happy relationship.

Signs You Are Ready For A Healthy Relationship

Here are five dating signals that show you are ready for a healthy relationship:

1) You are your authentic self around your date

In the world of dating, it can be difficult to let your true self shine. It’s natural to have your guard up when you start to get to know new people.
The issue with not being yourself in a relationship is that you may fall into a pattern of trying to please the other person and neglecting yourself. Not to mention, your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
When you feel ready to be your true self in front of your date and, more importantly, treasure your authenticity in all its imperfections, then you know you are ready to have a healthy relationship.
This works both ways. Each person in a healthy relationship needs to be themselves, know who they are and what makes them happy.
If both of you have a healthy sense of self, then you can develop a healthy relationship by bringing your similar qualities as well as your differences to the relationship. This means there won’t be one person dominating over the other.
Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all. It’s only when you are authentic and can show your date who you really are, that you will create a deep connection that will build a foundation for your healthy relationship.

2) You honor your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Why? It means you won’t be a pushover. You’ll stand up for what is important to you, and you can communicate when you are unhappy. If you have not completed the Relational Circle Boundaries with a PIVOT advocate, it is essential that you do so before you begin dating.
If you are unhappy about something your date did, said or didn’t do, then the healthy way to deal with this is to talk about it. If you don’t say anything, then you may feel resentment or anger. Over time this can build up to become a major issue.
In healthy relationships, growth is very important, so you need to be able to have productive discussions, arguments, and disagreements, without feeling isolated or defensive.
A productive discussion is an opportunity to learn from each other and grow as a couple.

3) You don’t want to change them

One signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship is to accept your date for who they are. This means you don’t want to change them in any way.

If you feel like you want to change them, then this could be a sign that you are not ready for a healthy relationship or that you want to control someone. If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what you want in a partner based on the PIVOT module, Dating with a Purpose.
Instead of focusing on flaws in your date, focus on their positive attributes. Look for the positive qualities you admire.
If you feel good with your date, you are patient and real with them, and you treat them the same in public as you do at home, then you’re on the path to growing a healthy relationship.

4) You fit into each other’s life

A good sign that you are ready for a healthy relationship is when you see that person fitting into other parts of your life – not just in the relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself to know if you both fit into each other’s life:

Do we get along with other people in our lives?
Do we get along with their friends and family?
Do we have mutual interests that we enjoy doing together?
Do we invite each other to attend work and social events?
Do we feel supported and encouraged to pursue our own goals?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then you may be ready for a relationship.

5) You are willing to grow your intimacy

Physical and emotional chemistry is important for relationships. However, if you are ready to grow the chemistry into something deeper, then this is another signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship.
Many of us, single or in a relationship, run from the risks of true intimacy. It takes courage to want to really connect with someone on a deep level.
Intimacy is created when you are with someone that shares your values; when you are both authentic and not afraid to be vulnerable; when there is mutual respect and when you don’t rely on the other person to “complete you.”
If you have recognized the five signals above, then it shows you are ready to commit and cultivate a healthy relationship that feeds and nurtures you both – a relationship of love.

How Do You Know Someone Is Not Right For You?

Unfortunately, your partner may not be as ready for a healthy relationship as you are. They may still be struggling with relational wounds from their past and may not be ready to commit just yet. Here are some telltale signs that your partner is not the right person for you:

You don’t feel like your unique self next to them
You share no common interests
You haven’t met their family even though you’ve been dating for a while
They keep talking about their previous relationships
You don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable around them
They don’t listen to you when you talk about your interests

These are just some of the signs that may indicate that your partner is not ready for love and a long-term healthy relationship. You both must be able and willing to commit to one another in order for the relationship to work.
Remember, it’s easy to become attracted to people who can “almost” commit. People who treat you really well and then they control or ignore you. Those types of relationships are typically high energy and addictive.

Looking for a relationship coach online? Contact PIVOT!

If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We offer valuable insights via relationship coaching sessions for individuals and couples and our intensive relationship-building skills retreats. Contact us today and find happiness and love in your relationships!

10 Essential Dating Tips To Create Healthy Relationships

Posted on June 23, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Dating plays a vital role in creating long-term relationships. After all, dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Before you start dating, consider if you are ready for a relationship. Just because you want a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re ready for one.
Ask yourself: “Am I ready for a relationship?”
Make sure you know what you’re looking for in a potential partner and that you’ve resolved or healed from past relationships.
So, if you’re ready to start dating effectively, we suggest you work with a PIVOT advocate to complete our dating module called Dating with a Purpose! As a starting point as you consider finding the right person for a healthy relationship, the following dating tips will help you get started.

10 essential dating tips to create healthy relationships

1) Choose the right place to meet

To be able to communicate easily and hear all the details of the conversation you want to meet in a quiet, neutral location that is close to both of you.
Ideally, the place you choose should be away from noisy bars and distractions… and away from your work and home.

2) Stay focused on the other person and put away your phone

Stay focused and be attentive to what your date is saying. Make sure to avoid distractions during your date.
There is nothing ruder than being glued to your phone screen during the date… being distracted by every beep, sound, and vibration. Or worse still, answering a call during the date.
Unless there is an emergency (i.e.: you need to refer to your dating tips), put away your phone and listen to your date with focus.

3) Keep the conversation balanced

Don’t monopolize the conversation by rambling about yourself. You may think you’re impressing your date but talking too much makes the other person lose interest because they feel you’re too self-involved.
Talking is about having active participation in the conversation. It’s a two-way street. Be curious, be interested and ask follow-up questions to their stories.

4) Stay in the present and be yourself

Avoid talking about the past or an ex. Instead, concentrate on finding interests you both have in common.
And don’t try to be someone you’re not. Everyone has their own strengths, uniqueness, and talents. Share yours with your date.
Spend the date finding out about each other. After you complete the Dating with a Purpose (part of the PIVOT process), you will be aware of your non-negotiables and will want to begin to ask questions to determine if there are any HUGE red flags.

5) Have a positive attitude

People are naturally attracted to happy and positive people. So, leave your worries at home when you go out on your date.
Give yourself a break and aim to feel upbeat and positive. The more positive you feel, the more attractive you will be.

6) Flirt with your date… if you are interested

Flirting is a great way to signal that you are interested in your date.
You can do simple things, such as, make eye contact, smile, be curious and ask them questions.
This will help to attract attention from your date and show them that you are interested in them.

7) Don’t have sex on the first date

Showing attraction by flirting with your date is one thing. But make sure you maintain boundaries. Don’t have sex straight away.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

8) Learn to recognize the signs of unequal attraction

90% of all communication is non-verbal, so watch the body language of your date to see if they are attracted to you. If you sense your attraction to them is not equal, then don’t force it.
If this person isn’t right for you, then save your time and energy for someone who is.
On the other hand, if you’re less interested, then don’t lead them on. Let them know politely and move on.

9) Take your time to move from dating to a relationship

Go on several dates and give yourself time to discover how you feel about your date. And how they feel about you.
Don’t rush into a relationship. Spend as much time dating and savoring it. Make sure you agree on the things that are important to you both before you start the relationship.
This will help reduce potential tension or disagreements later.

10) Follow up after the date

If you’re interested in seeing your date again, then don’t play games. Call them, text them or return their call.
Don’t make the other person guess what you want. Be honest and communicate openly. There is nothing worse than unreturned phone calls.
In summary, approach your date with respect, interest, and understanding. Be open. It’s OK to be vulnerable while not disclosing too much too soon. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
These are the essential keys to creating a healthy relationship. We hope that these essential dating tips have given you some insights about healthy dating.
If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help!

How To Leave An Addictive Relationship – You're My Obsession

Posted on May 30, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

The words “I’m addicted to you” are a warning sign that there is something dark in your relationship. Although this may sound romantic, it might be an indication that you are in an addictive relationship.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then you may not recognize what a healthy relationship should look like and feel like. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t find happiness in your relationships. By attending a love addiction intensive retreat and learning more about your childhood wounds, you can transform your relationships and create healthy and meaningful bonds in your life.

Why Do People Choose Toxic Relationships?

Very often, issues in your adult relationships relate to your childhood because you’re drawn to what’s familiar, not what is good for you.
If you haven’t taken time to heal your childhood wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to addictive relationships. Especially, if you have experienced any of the following:

Alcoholic parent(s)
Losing a sibling or parent at a young age
Finding out that you are adopted
Some kind of abuse
Emotionally unavailable parent(s)
Some sort of neglect
Fear of being abandoned
Not receiving validation from your parent(s)

Unhealthy childhood relationship patterns that are unresolved often lead to unbalanced, unfulfilled and addictive relationships. And addictive relationships become a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to heal the childhood abandonment wound.

Is Love Addiction A Real Thing?

Love addiction, otherwise known as pathological love, is very real and affects a great number of individuals worldwide. It involves a pervasive and obsessive interest in one or several romantic partners.
Love addicts renounce control as well as other behaviors and interests to be with their chosen partner at all costs. They are prone to novelty seeking and impulsivity which tend to stem from childhood attachment wounds.
At PIVOT, we call love addiction attachment dysregulation because many find this term shaming. Love itself isn’t addictive however many individuals who grew up craving love, are addicted to the craving of something they have not experiences. Therefore when they feel a honeymoon connection with someone, they mistake it for love and become hooked and crave more and more.

Can You Be Addicted to Someone You Love?

Some individuals have a tendency to become addicted to “love”. But what does this actually mean? Where do you draw the line between what people call love addiction and simply being in love with another person?
Well, for most attachment challenged individuals, their relationship becomes the center of their universe, taking over their entire being. And when an anxious person who is called a love addict ends up with an avoidant or ambivalent partner, these behaviors can become even more pervasive, drawing the love addict into a toxic, vicious relational circle.

What Is An Addictive Relationship?

Just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or other substances, being in an addictive relationship is unhealthy, toxic and powerful. And it brings you pain usually with a love/hate dynamic.
Addictive relationships are colored with conflicts, emotional abuse, and even physical violence.
Although you may be aware of how dysfunctional the relationship is, you stay in it. This is the definition of an addictive relationship. Now if you’ve dated one horrible person, this doesn’t mean you’re addicted to bad relationships. However, if you’re noticing a pattern, then there may be a problem.

Why Is A Toxic Relationship Addictive?

Unfortunately, many love addicts are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. This tends to happen because the love addict’s parents or caregivers were unavailable or abusive.
Simply put, the love addict is subconsciously attracted to what is familiar to them, recreating the toxic cycle they experienced in their childhood. They are used to being abandoned and they end up begging for affection and love. Therefore they seek to find the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

Can An Addictive Relationship Become Healthy?

An addictive relationship can’t be saved unless you recognize and heal your relational wounds. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you will first need to identify your own feelings and be honest with yourself and your partner about both the negative and positive aspects of the relationship.
In many cases, leaving the addictive relationship is the best course of action. If you feel isolated and lonely, know that you’re not alone. Unhealthy relationship patterns are more common than you may think and relationship addiction recovery is entirely possible.
The good news is that you don’t have to be in an addictive relationship for life. You are not “broken.” Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships.
It is time to shift. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever. You can have relational freedom.

How Do I Get Out Of An Addictive Relationship?

The only way to get out of an addictive relationship is to change what you are willing to put up with and to make lasting changes. Here’s what you should do:

Step 1

Start by recognizing the addiction. Be present and accept what you are feeling, thinking and what you want.
This is the hardest step for most people. It is especially difficult to be present when your present moment is hostile, hurtful, scary and invalidating. Many people stay locked in an addictive relationship by pretending that this present negative moment isn’t happening.
If you’ve ever said to yourself:

“Oh, he/she didn’t mean it”,
“He’s/She’s not always so mean”,
“He/She can’t help it”,
“If I just do this, then he’ll/she’ll be nice again.”

Then you are pretending and you are not in the present moment.

Step 2

Stop judging your feelings, thoughts, and wants. Be aware of them and accept them. Once you accept your feelings, thoughts, and desires, then you can decide what to do about them.

Step 3

Remember you are worthy of love. And the most powerful love comes from within you. Don’t depend on your partner for love. Instead, increase your love for yourself. Love your uniqueness, your views, your personality, and your gifts.

Step 4

Identify ways you would like to express the best in yourself and take actions that reflect your best self. You deserve to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated any less than your best self deserves.

Step 5

Be willing to change. Real change starts with healing and repairing yourself. This step includes dealing with feelings, grieving and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. This is best done with the help of a professional who specializes in addictive relationships.

Step 6

Make these changes, work on self-love and healing yourself without trying to change or judge anyone else. This process is about your recovery. You can’t change anyone else except yourself.

Step 7

Once you have started to heal yourself, then you can make choices. You can choose to give up the unhealthy relationship. You can decide that being whole, unique and your true self is worth it. You can determine whether your relationship is working well or if you are just addicted. You have choices.

Find Freedom At Our Love Addiction Intensive Workshop

The best way to achieve relational freedom is to seek assistance from experienced professionals and talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you. Attending a love addiction retreat will help you to better understand yourself and learn to nurture relationships based on emotional support and mutual respect.

Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom. If you wish to learn how to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT.
We’re here to help you by providing insightful individual relationship coaching as well as in-depth intensive workshops for overcoming relationship challenges. Contact us today and start your journey towards relational freedom!