Author: Lori Jean Glass

At the start of a relationship, it’s easy to confuse being in love with obsession. There is a thin line between obsession and devotion, and most relationships tend to begin with feelings of heightened anxiety and insecurity, so this confusion becomes entirely normal. 

Falling in love is risky – it requires a willingness to be vulnerable and let the other person into our inner worlds even though they may hurt us. Although these feelings of anxiety are a natural part of most new relationships, they can turn into love obsession, especially if one of the partners struggles with low self-esteem, attachment wounds, or other mental health issues that influence the relationship.  

If you feel like you may be leaning towards obsessive behaviors in your relationships, know that you can change things for the better with guidance from codependency coaching professionals and a little bit of work on your part. Read on to learn more about love obsession and how it can be mitigated. 

Can You Be Obsessed And In Love?

Every relationship has an infatuation stage. This is when one or both of the partners think about the other person somewhat obsessively and want to spend each moment with them. If the relationship is healthy, this infatuation will decrease in intensity over time, giving way to mature devotion and commitment. 

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Instead, the infatuation sometimes turns into a full-blown love obsession, which entails controlling behaviors and an overly intense need to protect the “object of love”. In fact, the person experiencing the symptoms of obsessive love disorder may unconsciously control their partner as if they were nothing more than a possession. 

How Can You Tell The Difference Between Love And Obsession?

The difference between love and obsession can be a subtle one. This is because obsession has been romanticized for centuries in literature and the media. Additionally, some individuals are extremely skilled at hiding their obsessive urges, expressing only those they believe they can get away with. Nevertheless, there are several subtle or not so subtle signs of obsessive love disorder that you may be able to spot. 

What Are The Symptoms Of Obsessive Love Disorder?

In general, love obsession can be characterized by heightened feelings of anxiety and an extreme need for control in the relationship. Some other common signs of obsessive love include: 

• Moving the relationship forward too quickly 
• Experiencing and expressing overwhelming attraction to the person 
• Persistent obsessive thoughts about the other person 
• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness 
• Wanting to protect the person from everyone else 
• Controlling behaviors  
• Problems accepting rejection 
• Constant validation seeking 
• Disrupted relationships with family and friends due to the obsession 
• Stalking and reading the person’s private messages 

These are only some of the symptoms of obsessive love disorder. Keep in mind that this condition can manifest itself in many different forms, including manipulative behaviors such as love bombing, and often accompanies other mental health conditions, in which case it may be a bit more difficult to spot. 

What Causes Obsessive Love Disorder?

There are a multitude of reasons why a person may develop obsessive love disorder. In many cases, love obsession is closely tied to other behavioral health issues, including attachment dysregulation, delusional jealousy, and more. 

In general, love obsession and the attachment issues that cause it stem from our childhood experiences. Some of the childhood experiences that may lead to obsessive love disorder include: 

• Neglect: when a child is neglected by their primary caregiver or parent, they tend to struggle with forming secure attachments later in life. As a result of the neglect, they may develop insecure or anxious attachments, which may turn into love obsession. 
• Abuse: children abused by their parents or caregivers don’t feel safe and loved. Instead, their unmet needs stay with them forever, setting them up for attachment issues such as love obsession. They try to fill the emptiness inside them by obsessing over the love object. 
• Low self-esteem: if a person feels worthless and unlovable because of their low self-esteem, they will tend to seek validation and affirmation in their love object. They believe that this person will help fill the emptiness that they can’t fill themselves. 

How To Overcome Obsessive Love Disorder?

Where Do I Find Good Intensive Codependency Workshops Near Me? 

If you are tired of battling with your love obsession, it may be time to take that first step and seek help from a professional relationship coach. With their guidance and support, you will be able to understand and overcome your emotional wounds, which will in turn help you build healthier and stronger relationships. 

At PIVOT, we offer expert relationship coaching for individuals struggling with codependency, love obsession, intimacy issues, and many other relationship problems. We also provide insightful relationship guidance in our workshops, where we help couples and individuals facilitate behavioral change. Contact PIVOT today! 

Uncertainty is intimidating. It’s also a part of life, especially modern, stress-filled, fast-paced life. That is why we all need a safe place where we can find some much-needed consistency and reliability. For many of us, the safe place is a person with whom we have a romantic relationship, someone with whom we are comfortable sharing our innermost feelings, doubts, and insecurities. 

But what happens when the sense of insecurity is overwhelming and turns into anxiety? What happens when the very place that you go to for stability turns into dangerous ground? Just when you thought that everything was going smoothly in your relationship, it feels as though you’re quickly losing ground. You are suddenly face-to-face with huge issues with relationship intimacy caused by your or your partner’s relationship anxiety. 

Can your relationship survive in spite of it? How can you overcome this relationship challenge? 

How Does Anxiety Affect Romantic Relationships?

Anxiety can take various forms, from social anxiety to dating and relationship anxiety. Left untreated, anxiety can take a toll on a person’s ability to form close relationships with others, including long-term romantic relationships. 

Unresolved conflicts which may date all the way back to your childhood may affect your current and future relationships, especially if you shy away from broaching the topic directly and discussing it with your partner at length. When individuals with social or relationship anxiety are in a relationship with someone who triggers old wounds, they are more vulnerable to gaslighting and similar manipulative behaviors such as love bombing. 

Signs You Or Your Partner May Suffer From Relationship Anxiety

It’s fairly simply to recognize the common symptoms of relationship anxiety:

• Having difficulty embarking on a new romantic relationship, pursuing a new relationship or lasting in a relationship due to unresolved personal issues, worries or concerns
• Having extreme anxiety around physical and sexual intimacy
• Heavy reliance on the partner for reassurance and inability to overcome anxious thoughts independently
• Constant fear of conflict and passivity in situations that require assertiveness, such as having serious conversations with the partner
• Constant fear of rejection and abandonment
• Experiencing overwhelming anxiety when the partner is absent
• Unjustified suspicions of the partner’s infidelity
• Tendency to sabotage the relationship
• Tendency to doubt long-term compatibility with the partner
• Fears that the partner may want to leave them
• Doubting the partner’s feelings and intentions

What Is It Like Dating Someone With Anxiety?

Doubt and confusion do not belong in a meaningful romantic relationship. Yet they manage to find their way into one, especially if one of the partners suffers from anxiety. 

Having anxiety is like having a nervous feeling in your stomach (something like butterflies, but not the good kind) that hardly ever goes away. It’s hard to cope with it even if you’ve been living with it all your adult life. 

You want the romance to work but you’re filled with a growing sense of dissatisfaction and frustration because you cannot wrap your head around your partner’s anxiety and its effect on your relationship.

Here’s the thing: your partner’s anxiety is not something you can or should try to fix. What you can do is learn to recognize the most effective methods to deal with their anxiety and show empathy, understanding, and support. 

You also need to understand the hardships that frequently go hand in hand with relationship anxiety: 

• Emotional distress and exhaustion
• Fatigue, lethargy, and lack of motivation
• Stomach upset and other physical manifestations

Why Does Dating Give Me Anxiety?

If you have ever been shunned by another person in any other meaningful relationship in your life, you may be anxious to date, let alone start a new relationship. You may fear abandonment or fret over the possibility that someone may judge you or, worse yet, get to know you and not like what they see. 

Relationship anxiety is often caused by unpleasant experiences with past partners, including dishonesty regarding their feelings toward you, infidelity, being misleading regarding the nature and future of the relationship, as well as if they ended things abruptly and without closure.

Understand that anxiety is a type of emotional baggage that you are bringing into a relationship, but that it does not define you. Learn to love yourself for who you are and seek professional help such as emotional intimacy coaching so you can learn to manage your dating and relationship anxiety.

How Do I Calm My Partner’s Anxiety?

The most effective method to help calm your partner’s anxiety is to address the problem in a frank, straightforward way. Another person’s anxiety is not something you are responsible for fixing, but you can help them get help and become proactive about overcoming it. 

Understand that your partner may doubt your feelings for them not because of your actions but because of their condition. Try to provide them with reassurance that you are in it for the long haul, not only while the going’s good.

What Should You Not Do When Dating Someone With Anxiety?

Anxiety is an increasingly common disorder. The potential causes include:

• Genetic predisposition
• Personality traits
• Emotional baggage
• Underlying medical conditions
• Underlying mental health disorders
• Substance abuse 

Here’s what not to do when dating someone who suffers from anxiety:

• Do not assume that some light research on the internet will help you learn all there is to know about anxiety, as each individual with anxiety has specific triggers, symptoms, concerns, and issues: their experience of their own anxiety is unique and it will take time for you to understand what they’re going through.
• Do not assume that their anxiety is about you and do not force them to share what caused it. It may take time for your partner to become comfortable enough to share what gives them anxiety.  
• Do not become overwhelmed by your partner’s stressors. You need to maintain strong social and emotional support systems of your own while being there for your partner, all the more so if you suffer from anxiety too. You are not their therapist.

How Do I Talk To My Partner About Anxiety?

Whether it’s you or your partner who suffers from anxiety, you mustn’t let the condition become the white elephant in the room. Discuss the condition and its repercussions openly:

Can Anxiety Ruin A Relationship?

All mental health issues have the potential to ruin our relationships, and anxiety is no exception. Anxiety can have a serious impact on all our relationships: personal, social, romantic and professional ones. 

In fact, anxiety can make forming a relationship a nearly impossible feat. The person is overwhelmed with a sense of isolation and a sense of dread at the very prospect of meeting new people, let alone finding a partner for a meaningful relationship.

A high level of anxiety combined with low tolerance to frustration can have a devastating effect on a romantic relationship. For one thing, the person with anxiety may constantly worry that their erratic behavior could drive the other person away. Whether this fear is irrational or not may not be relevant. As a result, they may decide to end things themselves just because they cannot bear the agony any longer.

The worst part of the problem is that it may take years and years for a person to admit they have a problem with anxiety and seek professional help because of it. Some people struggle with it their whole lives without ever seeking help or learning to overcome the condition. Although anxiety can be managed and kept under control, it often becomes so prevalent that the person affected feels powerless to stop the condition from running their life.

Helpful Strategies To Address Relationship Anxiety

If you’re in a loving relationship with a partner suffering from any form of anxiety, employ the following strategies to safeguard your relationship against its potentially detrimental effects:

• Learn what you’re up against
• Be patient and focus on listening to your partner
• Anxiety can be debilitating: exercise empathy
• Explore the potential triggers
• Do not take it personally
• Anxiety can be transferred: learn to mitigate your own
• Do not accept the role of the therapist

Join Our Emotional Intimacy Coaching & Restore Balance In Your Life & Relationship

Don’t let anxiety win and wreak havoc on your relationship. If you and your partner have a good thing going on, you need to fight for it and learn to overcome your emotional intimacy issues and relationship challenges together. It’s time to make your happiness and wellbeing a priority, and it all starts with reaching out to professionals for help and guidance. 

We may not know what tomorrow may bring, but we do know how to help you overcome your anxiety-induced fears and concerns, and face the challenges in your relationship through individual coaching sessions or grow as a couple through our couple workshops. 

Becoming romantically involved with someone new is usually a fun experience that opens up new possibilities and horizons. However, beginning a relationship also brings its own set of challenges that may put a damper on the initial excitement. 

Whether you’ve met someone on the internet and want to know if your online date is serious or wonder how you can overcome physical intimacy issues, attending a romantic relationship building skills workshop may be of immense help. And if you are looking for some quick insightful tips on starting off a relationship, keep on reading! 

How Do You Start Off A Relationship?

While there are some relationships that start off quite effortlessly and passionately, most people have their doubts and uncertainties when they meet someone new that sparks their interest. Will this work out? Do they truly like me? Am I making a mistake? These are just some of the common questions that run through people’s minds when starting a relationship.

Is The Beginning Of A Relationship The Hardest?

For many people, the blossoming of a relationship is the most beautiful part. Unfortunately, this is not the case for everyone, as many relationships start off quite turbulently. If your new relationship has had a rough start, you may be wondering if experiencing difficulties is normal in this stage and whether your relationship is likely to develop into something healthier. 

We’ll say one thing – love is not easy. Essentially, there are no rules as to how relationships should develop, and you and your partner may experience challenges that are entirely different from those of other couples. Nevertheless, here’s what people tend to struggle with the most at the start of a relationship: 

• Not knowing where you stand in the relationship  
• Overanalyzing their partner’s words and actions 
• Struggling to set healthy boundaries 
• Fear of losing independence in the relationship 
• Conflicting values 
• Problems with physical intimacy 

Is It Normal To Fight In The Beginning Of A Relationship?

If you and your new partner fight a lot, that doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. However, sometimes too much is simply too much, and you should know how to tell if the relationship is worth fighting for or not. Here are some types of fights that may indicate that the relationship is in trouble: 

• You argue about the nature of your relationship: if you and your partner don’t have the same idea about the relationship, you’re off to a rocky start. 
• There is a severe lack of trust: healthy relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. While lacking trust early in the relationship is often normal, there should at least be a willingness to work things through from both sides. 
• One or both of the partners are too needy: While it’s entirely natural that you’d want to spend every moment of your day with your partner during the initial stages of the relationship, excessive neediness is rarely a good sign. 

How Long Before A Relationship Is Serious?

Every relationship moves at its own pace. In fact, there are no hard rules about timelines in relationships. Some couples hit it off instantly and know where they stand after just a couple of dates, while others experience varying levels of confusion and uncertainty in this regard. 

There are several factors that may influence the timeline of your relationship and how quickly you decide to make it exclusive. Here are some positive signs that your relationship is serious: 

• You and your partner communicate honestly and consistently 
• You’ve known your partner for at least a couple of months 
• Both you and your partner are ready for an exclusive relationship 
• You can see a future with the person you’re dating 

Learn How to Attach Securely In Our Relationship Building Skills Workshop 

Are you experiencing difficulties with creating and building healthy and strong relationships? Seeking help from insightful relationship coaches may be the perfect solution. At PIVOT, we offer insightful relationship guidance to individuals and couples who struggle with relational issues. What’s more, we also offer a wide range of relationship workshops that help you overcome emotional wounds. 

No matter what your relationship struggles may be, know that you can change things for the better. Reach out to PIVOT Advocates today and start your path to happiness and peace. 

Being in a meaningful relationship means being intimate with another person. Sex and physical intimacy is one aspect of a relationship and an important one at that. It is a way to express affection and the intimacy you have on an emotional level. It deepens the connection between partners. 

But lack of sex can have a devastating effect on a couple, especially when it goes on for a longer stretch of time. No wonder that it is the lack of sex that is one of the most challenging aspects of a long-distance relationship. Let’s put it like this: people always say that sex makes things complicated, but that’s nothing compared to what it can do when it’s missing from a relationship, especially when this change happens all of a sudden. And if there is a history of abandonment or neglect in one’s past, this re-wounding can be destabilizing. 

Does Sex Change A Relationship?

Sex can certainly change a relationship (not always for the better, but that’s a whole different subject). And so can a lack of sex. 

At the beginning of your relationship, it all felt new and exciting. There was a lot you didn’t know about each other but you were eager to find out. And of course, the sex was amazing, and you two crazy kids could barely keep your hands off each other. 

But what was once as a sizzling romance can quickly turn into a routine after the honeymoon phase is over and the fiery passion is gone. In the meantime, you are getting to know this person – as a person.

It may sound counterintuitive, but your sex life and frequency of your adventures in the bedroom can start to dwindle as you grow closer to each other. It’s ironic when you think about it: you are becoming closer as a couple but the spark seems to have gone, at least in the bedroom. 

As frustrating as that may sound, it is not necessarily a bad thing: it just means that restoring the vibrant sex life you had before the end of the honeymoon phase will take some work. This, too, can be a fun and refreshing experience that you can share with your partner. However, you will both need to agree on one thing: prioritize rebuilding your sex life.

What Do You Do When Your Partner Has Different Sex Drives? 

If you are being overly into sex, so much so that your partner perceives it as a turn-off, you may notice your partner will start to exhibit certain behaviors:

• Vagueness and avoidance 
• Coming up with excuses not to spend time with you and making plans without involving you
• Being reserved and less affectionate
• Constant irritability and excessive criticism of your words and actions

You, on the other hand, may feel deeply frustrated and unhappy. But try to understand that your partner may have issues with low libido or depression.

If this happens, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. This is one white elephant that’s impossible to ignore if you intend for your relationship to last. Do not pester your partner. Try not to act accusatory or aggressive. The worst you can do is nag your partner over the situation, as this only builds more pressure on the partner and puts more strain on the relationship as a whole.

The Dangers Of Disparate Sex Drives Between Partners

Sexual activity is healthy and natural. Lack of it can be detrimental to our health. But we’re not all the same and we don’t have the same sex drives. This is perfectly normal, but it becomes a problem when it happens in a relationship. 

As we’ve already established, lack of sex can cause serious relationship problems as well. When partners do not have the same needs and are unable to communicate this to each other clearly, problems may arise. For instance:

• The dissatisfaction of sexual rejection outlasts the satisfaction of having your sexual advances accepted: this may lead to a communication breakdown. Being sexually rejected by your significant other hurts all the more because we seem to perceive sexual rejection as emotional rejection.
• Rejection could have a devastating effect on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It could ultimately lead to depression
• Infidelity on behalf of one or both partners
• Ending your relationship

The Risks Of Overcompensating For Lack Of Sex

Let’s imagine you are the one with more enthusiasm for sex. Out of despair, you may become overly affectionate, which your partner could find suffocating. They may attempt to escape any situation in which you exhibit this type of behavior, but they will probably be careful not to broach the subject directly for fear of hurting your feelings. 

They will probably avoid the topic altogether instead of discussing it with you in a straightforward way. Before you know it, you may find yourself in a broken relationship that’s beyond repair, feeling bitter about all the time and effort you put into building it.

How Do You Overcome Physical Intimacy Issues?

Preferably, the first step is for both you and your partner to acknowledge that physical intimacy issues are there. Follow these guidelines to start working on these issues:

• Have an uninterrupted face-to-face conversation with your partner and explain what bothers you as clearly as possible. You could say things like We never have sex anymore because you keep rejecting my advances or You no longer want to share the bed or hold my hand like you used to. Consider the possibility that your partner might have been blissfully unaware of the situation.
• Be direct in expressing the emotional effect this situation has had on you. Do not be ashamed to speak about it openly. These crucial conversations are necessary.
• Try to understand your partner’s point of view, and do not get annoyed if they become defensive.
• State requests clearly and demand that you work on a solution together, discuss your options and steps clearly.
• Unlike neediness, which is unattractive to say the least, independence is hot. You don’t have to play games with your partner, but playing hard to get every now and then could do wonders for your sex life.

Learn To Overcome Intimacy Problems In A Relationship

We will use our knowledge and experience to guide you and help you understand what’s going on in your relationship so you can learn to overcome the problems with intimacy you and your partner may have. 

PIVOT is where you can start rebuilding a healthier relationship, and you can start today, whether on your own or together with your partner. We are here to guide you through individual coaching with focus on relationship problems or workshops for building healthy coping mechanisms and relationship skills. Remember, we’re in this together.

When experiencing challenges in a relationship, have you ever thought: I need to leave because I feel overwhelmed? Or perhaps: I’ll do anything to know what is going on? Or maybe: I feel stuck in this relationship and don’t know if I should stay?  

These thoughts are not uncommon. 

In fact, these thoughts identify how you relate or attach to others and are an indication of your attachment styles.

If you have been struggling to maintain stable relationships in your life, perhaps intensive love avoidance coaching would help you understand your core wounds and make lasting changes in your emotional life. Until then, keep reading to find out more about attachment. 

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is the process of one person connecting in relationship to another. In other words, attachment describes how we bond with others. 

Our sense of attachment begins with the relationship between ourselves and our primary caregivers (parents, guardians). This first relationship dictates how we bond with others in the future.

If you attach securely with your parents in your first five years of your life, then you will develop a strong foundation for positive attachment with others.

If not, then you may have a deep childhood attachment wound that impacts your current relationships.

Here’s the thing, just because you didn’t have a solid foundation in your first five years, it doesn’t mean that you can’t develop healthy adult relationships now.

The good news is that no matter what childhood experiences you’ve had, you can still create healthy relationships.

But first, it helps to recognise what attachment style you most commonly use.

What Are The Different Types Of Attachment Styles?

There are four common attachment styles, but you may not necessarily use the one style all the time. We have simplified the names of the common attachment styles to reflect the energy you bring to the relationship.  The way you engage in a relationship often depends on the other person or the situation.  

For example, you may engage differently with your boss than you would your best friend, or your spouse.

Let’s look at each of these four styles and how they show up in relationships.

Avoidant Attachment

People who experience avoidant attachment tend to live in their thoughts because they want to avoid conflict. They tend to use secretive behavior, struggle with being vulnerable, and avoid connection whenever possible.

These people don’t like to feel. They don’t believe it’s safe for them to feel because their parents didn’t allow them to feel uncomfortable feelings as a child. 

Most avoidants grew up feeling controlled. Their parents are the overprotective, “helicopter parents” – controlling their every move and not allowing them to feel bad feelings.

When these children grow up, they’re not able to engage in uncomfortable situations in their relationships – they want to avoid them.

The core wound for people in this situation is not being seen for who you are.

Anxious Attachment

Most people who attach in an anxious way often grew up experiencing neglect or abandonment. They grow up craving connection in a relationship.

Typically, anxious people feel first and then act. They don’t think about what they’re doing. 

A person who attaches anxiously may engage in high-risk behavior when they feel uncomfortable in a relationship or when they feel the threat of neglect or abandonment.

They tend to argue their point to keep the relationship intact, even when it doesn’t make sense.

An example of anxious attachment is investigating, controlling or manipulating the situation to find out what’s going on. This may include investigating on social media, doing drive-bys to make sure their partner’s home or checking their spouse’s cell phone while they’re in the shower. 

The core wound for people in this situation is feeling neglected or abandoned.

Ambivalent Attachment

Most people who attach in an ambivalent way are confused or challenged in the relationship and worry about making the wrong decision. They end up feeling stuck in close relationships.

If you attach ambivalently you find making decisions difficult, or they take a long time.

Ambivalent attachment is common. It’s a combination of the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

An ambivalent person may plan to leave or take a break in a relationship for a long time but will wait and wait. They tend to be in a cycle of feeling intense emotions and then over-analyze them – without being able to make a decision.

Ambivalent attachment is created when a child is brought up in two different environments, which may be confusing for a child. 

This could be as a result of divorce, or if the parenting styles are very different between both parents. For example, one parent may be codependent and the other may be an addict.

The core wound for people in this situation is feeling misunderstood and not enough.

Secure Attachment

People who can attach securely have relational alignment. This means they can think, feel and act congruently and in a healthy manner.

Secure people can experience conflict, express their feelings and respond in a healthy way. They can process how they’re thinking, know and express what they’re feeling and take the appropriate action.

For them, the need to defend (anxious attachment), run away (avoidant attachment) or question everything (ambivalent attachment) is not the driving force of their relationship.

The good news, regardless of your childhood pain or trauma, you can learn to attach securely.

How To Create A Healthy Relationship

The purpose of understanding these styles is not to label yourself or others. It is to acknowledge the way you approach a relationship so you can move to create healthy connections.

It is interesting to note that these attachment styles play out in everyday life. it can be observed in many areas of your life, especially in your work life and in your relationships with your family or friends.

When you know which wound is being triggered and why, then use that awareness to start changing how you respond.

How Do You Overcome Insecure Attachment?

By understanding why you’re triggered and why you respond with an attachment style, then you can begin to create healthy relationships.

This was the case with a woman I worked with. She had adopted a rigid food plan. She weighed all her food and stuck to her plan. This made it difficult for her to go to dinner with friends. She ended up avoiding many social functions.

Over time, she had no energy left to put towards relationships, other than her relationships with food. And because she wanted to avoid what others might say about her food plan, she kept others out of her life.

Unfortunately, she was like this for 12 years before I worked with her. Her social life was compromised. She wasn’t making or maintaining new friendships. She wasn’t able to be in a close relationship. She was isolated.

When I worked with her, she finally realized she had been controlling food to feel that she had control in her life.

We discovered that during her childhood she felt she had little control over anything. By understanding why she was triggered and why she responded with avoidance, she was able to have a new relationship with food as an adult. 

This allowed her to heal her hurt and begin to enjoy other relationships.

I call this relational freedom… when you experience life and relationships from a healthy alignment and can manage and tolerate uncomfortable emotions while maintaining self-care.

It doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt or never feel intense emotions again.

Relational freedom comes from secure relational alignment. It means that if you can think, feel and do in a healthy and congruent way, then you can attach to others in a healthy way. 

Find relational freedom with #1 love avoidance intensive coaching

The good news is that no matter what childhood experiences you’ve had, you can still create healthy relationships. If you want help to move away from old patterns and create relational alignment and freedom, then contact PIVOT. 

In addition to our intensive relationship problems coaching for individuals and effective couples coaching retreats, we also offer insightful remote coaching with PIVOT Advocates. Reach out to us today! 

Do you struggle to find and maintain healthy relationships? Do the same issues come up in different relationships, again and again? Do you find yourself attracted to the “wrong” type of person?

The good news is there is a reason for it. Whether you’re able to create a healthy relationship or not relates to how positively you bond or attach to others. This is known as attachment. 

In this article, you can discover enlightening information from a seasoned relationship coach about how childhood attachment shapes our relationships. Read on. 

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationships

The first attachment we experienced was with the relationship between ourselves and our primary caregivers (parents, guardians). This first relationship dictates how we bond with others.

If you attach securely in your first five years of life, then you will develop a strong foundation for positive attachment with others. If not, then you may have a childhood attachment wound that impacts your current relationships.

And if you do have attachment wounds or specific survival patterns that get triggered, then you’re going to struggle to form healthy attachments until you understand where the behavior comes from.

Although, becoming more aware does not lead to perfection. It will allow you to be aware of unwanted behaviors and help you to stop these patterns more regularly.

Understand Your Story Through The Lens Of Attachment

Just because you didn’t have a positive foundation in your first five years, it doesn’t mean you can’t develop healthy attachment now.

The first step is to understand your story through the lens of attachment.

For example, if a child grows up watching their parents go through a painful divorce, their experience influences their view of attachment. 

That child then typically must learn two ways of being relational in two different homes, which is a struggle. This generally leads to the child becoming ambivalent in their own relationships in the future.

On the other hand, a child who grew up feeling controlled by their parents, most likely won’t trust intimacy because they won’t feel like they can breathe. 

They will want to avoid intimacy and uncomfortable situations in their relationships because they feel that connecting to others means losing their voice and not being seen for who they are.

The Effects Of Poor Attachment In Later Life

For many individuals who grew up in a controlling environment, they may process their feelings by turning to addiction… food, sex, work, or exercise. Something that they can control and use to avoid intimacy.

And finally, if a child grew up experiencing neglect or abandonment, then they may attach anxiously, as they crave connection. They may also engage in high-risk behavior when they feel uncomfortable in a relationship or when they feel the threat of neglect or abandonment.

Regardless of your childhood pain or trauma, you can learn to have healthy attachments and healthy relationships.

What Is A Secure Attachment?

People who have healthy attachments can think, feel, and do congruently and in a healthy manner. This means they can experience conflict, express their feelings, and respond in a healthy way.

People who have a healthy attachment don’t feel the need to defend, run away, or question everything in their relationship. Instead, they feel secure.

How To Develop A Healthy Attachment Style

When you can correlate your relationship issues with your survival patterns or attachment styles, then you can take the first step to make a change for the better.

When you know which wound is being triggered and why then you can use that awareness to change how you respond.

For example, I now know that when I feel like I’m losing someone, I start to feel scared and anxious. In the past, I dealt with this by avoiding my feelings. I would quickly find a new relationship; go shopping or go out drinking.

However, by reacting in this way, I only numbed my painful feelings. It didn’t help me process or deal with the issue in my relationship.

The break-through for me came when I recognized why I did these behaviors and saw that these actions weren’t helping me.

Steps To Building Healthy Attachments

By taking these three steps, you will be able to feel, manage, and tolerate your feelings. 

The result? You will experience relational freedom. This means you’ll know what’s happening in the moment, instead of being held hostage by your past wounds. You’ll be aware of your feelings; know why you feel that way and be able to change your behavior.

Reach Out To A Relationship Coach Online & Overcome Childhood Wounds 

Relational freedom means that if you can think, feel and do in a healthy and congruent way – then you can attach to others in a healthy way. The good news is that no matter what childhood experiences you’ve had, you can create healthy relationships.

If you want help to heal from unsupportive attachments and create relational alignment and freedom, PIVOT is here for you. Our carefully designed online individual coaching and comprehensive relationship workshops and retreats can help you escape emotional numbness and center yourself. Reach out to us today! 

Finding and maintaining relationships can be challenging. But what happens when the relationship you’re in begins to look like the previous one?

Have you ever reflected on why you are attracted to the same type of person, over and over again?

Studies show that we are attracted to what is familiar as a result of our adopted childhood love styles. This means we are attracted to familiar people even if we know they may be bad for us. This is known as the familiarity principle. 

If you are struggling to maintain healthy intimate relationships or need help getting out of an addictive relationship, reaching out to a professional relationship coach online may give you the relief you seek. 

Read on to find out why you may tend to seek similar relationships in your life. 

What Is The Familiarity Principle?

We all gravitate to what’s familiar to us. That often means we are drawn to people who inadvertently cause us to feel pain repeatedly.

For example, children who were abused growing up may be drawn to abusive relationships. Why? Because they are familiar with abuse. 

This is the familiarity principle. Simply stated, we are unconsciously drawn towards what is most familiar.

How Does Your Family Shape Your Personality?

Good or bad, the environment we grew up in is the only one we’ve ever known.  That is why it’s difficult for people to leave painful relationships.

Even when their behavior is hurtful, you may find comfort in the familiarity of that behavior. Worse still, it’s hard to leave that relationship because you are bound to the past.

In my case, I was drawn to save others but not myself. This started because my dad drowned when I was an infant, and mom became an alcoholic. I failed to save her, and she died. 

So, I became codependent with my friends and family.  I started saving everyone else because it felt good. I had a purpose. But this was often at my own expense. I didn’t realize what I was doing until someone helped me see that I was codependent in my relationships.

How The Familiarity Principle Can Affect You

While you may want a do-over in life, it can often have a negative effect, unless the corrective experience is supported and healthy. Unfortunately, if you don’t choose to do better with intentionality, then you’ll end up doing something that will hurt you.

Imagine you want to get into a relationship with a person that you like. But they are clearly unavailable. However, instead of not pursuing the relationship, you’re drawn to them even more because there is something about them being unavailable that feels familiar to you.

What’s more, it’s this feeling of familiarity that makes you pursue them even harder.

However, consider this. If a repeated action prompted by old familiar feelings hasn’t worked previously, why would it work now? The truth is it won’t.

The Dangers Of The Familiarity Principle

Any action that hasn’t served you in the past may only work as temporary pain relief. And this can lead to unwanted consequences. Such as:

• Lashing out at a loved one
• Hiding your feelings from a partner
• Binge eating for three days straight
• Getting drunk again
• Running to the next fling

If you find yourself repeatedly returning to actions that haven’t served you in the past, then I encourage you to do something different. Sit with your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. And take a moment to recognize why the feeling is there.

Most importantly, focus on why this situation is different from the situation in the past that gave you the original wound. 

How To Break Free From The Power Of Familiarity

The first step is to be aware of the patterns in your relationships. Identify the type of person you are attracted to. 

For example, have your past partners been controlling? Have they always told you what to do, when, where, and how? Now think back to your childhood. Was someone you grew up with controlling as well? Once you become aware, then you can break out of the old pattern.

The next step is to own your feelings. Even if they are uncomfortable, sit with your feelings. Don’t hide from them or avoid them. Acknowledge how you feel. This will help you manage and tolerate uncomfortable feelings and start to heal past wounds.

The final step is to process the pain and live in relational freedom. This is where you can heal yourself without hurting people around you. 

How Do You Deal With Painful Relationships?  

Today, when a relationship or friendship ends, I sit with my feelings. And I know that whatever is happening is not because my dad drowned, or my mom died. I know the person is leaving because they want to, need to, or because they have their own wounds to heal.

It doesn’t mean that you won’t sometimes hurt like hell. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel intense, uncontrollable feelings again. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to repair the relationship if it is worth saving.

If you choose the second option, then you can start to heal and experience relational freedom. This will help you have healthy relationships with yourself and others because you are worthy of love, happiness, and a healthy relationship. 

Find Freedom With The Help Of A Remote Relationship Coach

Moving away from familiar patterns and healing wounds is a lengthy and often challenging process. That’s why we recommend that you seek support from professionals. At PIVOT, we offer expertise-based online relationship coaching for individuals and couples, as well as transformative relationship building-skills workshops and retreats. 

If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome feeling emotional numbness, then contact PIVOT today and find balance in your emotional life.