Lori Jean Glass

The Ambivalent

Posted on December 23, 2018 by Lori Jean Glass

When it comes to addictive relationships, the most common types of people are; those who love too much (Anxious), and those who love too little, (the Avoidant). If you vacillate between the two you are an Ambivalent. It’s not really “love” that we are talking about. It is actually energy that either desires a wound to be healed by filling it up with a relationship (Anxious) or energy that is trying to not be engulfed by keeping relationships at a distance (Avoidant) or both (Ambivalent).
Most Ambivalent individuals are frightened of intimacy and usually pursue unavailable people. This kind of ambivalence, more than any other, feeds on fantasies and delusions.
Often Ambivalent individuals will destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point the fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime (before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up) whenever.
Some Ambivalents run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, and affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable in the same relationship, they withhold intimacy. They tend to offer more intimacy each time they come back. They up the stakes with offers of commitment, living together, marriage, children, etc. They rarely keep their promises to change.
Some Ambivalents are simultaneously addicted to multiple partners. Unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, these Ambivalents bond with each of their partners, to one degree or another, even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived. These Ambivalent individuals are often confused with Sex Addicts.
The most complicated kind of Ambivalent is someone who has been labeled a Narcissist. On the surface, he or she is usually aloof, detached, self-confident, self-centered, domineering, and/or afraid of commitment. However, when you leave this individual, what appeared like Narcissism is quickly seen as ambivalent behavior because they can’t handle being rejected. They turn to manipulation, aggression, and even violence to hold on to the relationship even though they remain ambivalent.
It is a common pattern for Ambivalents to obsess when someone is unavailable and then become ambivalent when a healthy person comes along. This happens a lot in recovery for other addictions. For more about this, read Finally Getting it Right by Howard Halpern.
Ambivalents suffer from some form of childhood incest (overt, covert, or emotional) and they fall in love but abort the relationship when it gets too serious. (By incest I mean overt (sexual molestation and rape); covert (sexual energy without touching); and emotional incest (being forced to be a surrogate partner.) Research this for yourself and recommend The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love or The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis.
In summary, the Ambivalent is a complicated person. When treated by an experienced individual who specializes in Attachment Disorder, one can change. It takes time, willingness to dive deep into the pain body wound and patience for a new level of relational tolerance to take place.

Love Isn't Addictive… Here's Why

Posted on June 12, 2018 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you mistake intensity for intimacy?
Do you have to be in relationship to avoid feeling empty?
Do you know you need help navigating relationships and not sure
about what help to get?
Do you feel like you are working harder in the relationship than your
partner?
Is the love ever enough?
Do you find yourself confused instead of having clarity in your
relationships?

If you can relate to some of these questions, you are among many people who suffer from what our behavioral health industry calls love addiction. If you have an adverse reaction to that label, here’s why…
When I was 39 years old – I was sitting in an office – broken hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And, I wanted to die.
I was told that I suffered from something called love addiction. From what I understood, love addiction was a proposed model of pathological passion-related behavior involving the feeling of being in love.
Well, it didn’t make ANY sense to me. At the time, the relationships I was involved in did not feel loving. What I felt was intensity from the desire of longing to be loved. I was in the throes of the twisting and turning and chasing and pulling on relationships with the hopes of some kind of felt sense of belonging.
In relationships I used to be what I call a stage 5 cling on – I could not be alone – I had to be in a relationship all of the time. I displayed a very anxious attachment style. I took others hostage and boarded what I call Crazy Train – in hopes of traveling to a fantasyland of love.
So, when I was told I had this condition called love addiction what was the cure? I was instructed to stay out of relationships, call myself a love addict, and magically stop connecting sexually to feel loved. Don’t dare draw attention to myself and definitely pretty down. I might as well have disappeared. The loneliness from this prescription of what was supposed to be helpful was painful and now I definitely felt like I was going to die.
What I really always wanted was to love and be loved and now I can’t even do that because I am addicted to Love?  Very confusing. So now, I didn’t get to love. I didn’t deserve to love – instead, I was told I had to stay out of LOVE and was addicted to it.
What I know today is that it was not love that I was addicted to. When I was calling someone’s cell phone 38 times in a row and driving by their house to make sure they were home and not lying to me was nowhere near being in a state of consciousness of love. When one is in love – there is a reverence present – a level of respect that is honored and one is held in high regard. What I was in engaged in was drama driven relationships fueled by intensity (what does intensity feel like?), not intimacy. I had no idea what love was. The transparency, trust and a felt sense of belonging that love commands were foreign to me. How could I be addicted to something I had never allowed myself to experience? I had no self-esteem and I was addicted to chasing unavailable people.
I was in a state of consciousness called desire. This desire created a constant craving and I was enslaved to this process and it ruled my every breath. I would be thrown into withdrawal from the crazy relationships that I would choose on a regular basis. It was never ever enough and life was always disappointing.
Let me break this down:
When I was 3 years old, my father, drowned. We were there and it was tragic. My mother dealt with my father’s death by using alcohol as a survival pattern so basically, my childhood was laced with abandonment. This was the energy that fueled my relationships and formed how I would attach to others. Translation: DON’T LEAVE ME.
When I was a teenager, my mother died from her own lack of self-care and alcoholism. I rebelled and was a force to be reckoned with. I came at life full force with guns a blazing. My spirited adolescence energy stayed with me for a very long time. I was emotionally immature and easily persuaded if you gave me a place to belong.
I lived with untreated trauma and a deep-rooted abandonment button that created this never-ending desire that burned deep in my soul. The best way I can describe this feeling is unmet longing.
I desperately wanted a do-over – so I unconsciously sought out relationships that ignited this unmet longing and tried to prove to myself that I was enough by taking these relationships hostage in an honest attempt to get chosen and somehow belong and feel loved.
I was satisfied with crumbs and was constantly affected by unrealistic expectations of others. Managing and tolerating my feelings felt impossible at times. I had a pain body root of abandonment and it was activated on a daily basis.
When I was growing up after my Father’s death, my Mom was emotionally not available. Every year there was one exception – my birthday. On my birthday, my mom would greet me with a smile and a happy birthday kiss. It was a day where I didn’t have to act out, throw a fit, and scream and cry to get attention. Instead, I got the loving attention every kid deserves. I felt special. No matter how old I was, Savannah – the name I call the inner child in me — felt special.
Two things happened that day every year:
First, I got to pick the dinner which was steamed clams with melted butter. I felt important over the fuss created in finding the fresh clams.
Second, was the beautiful cake my mom would bake for me. From scratch. My birthday is in December, a few weeks before Christmas and I always got an angel food cake with white frosting and candy canes and red gumdrops on top. Candyland happened to be my favorite game as a child.
Every year, when she brought that cake to the table, Candyland came to life. My life felt joyous and loving–one of the rare moments I was not either on full alert or in complete despair.
Many years later when I was in my late 20’s, I met a caring man who was doing his best to show up for me.
One evening, shortly after we started dating, I opened up to him. I told him about my mom and the birthday cake. I hadn’t talked about the cake with anyone since my 17th birthday when she forgot to make the cake and then died 6 days later.
I described the angel food cake with candy canes and gumdrops on top and explained to this man that it was the one time I could count on my Mom to show up for me. He listened and I felt safe being vulnerable with him about my past. He told me about his own experiences with an alcoholic mother and we bonded in our trauma storylines. So, we got engaged.
This pattern of opening up to another person early on in a relationship and then pinning huge expectations on that person to be responsible for my emotions was familiar. At that moment, I had no idea that I was grooming him to recreate a pattern of pain from my childhood in hopes of that do-over.
Not much later after telling him that story, my birthday rolled around and we made plans to go out to dinner that night. During the workday, I had received warm chocolate chip cookies with a birthday card delivered to my office by a bike messenger. I felt special and looked forward to an evening of celebration.
Later that evening, he knocked on my door and was standing there with a pink cake box. The sensation running through my veins felt like a drug – and at that moment, the unmet longing hole was filled. I was seen. Subconsciously, Candyland, gumdrops, the perfect cake, the perfect man – all of it – the good memories, the felt sense of being seen created a warm sensation throughout my body. It is moments in time like this for people that have unresolved trauma in our bodies where we want to freeze time and stay there longer.
I took the cake box from his hands, I opened the box with excitement and inside that pink box was a *^<#ing Carrot Cake. I froze. I could not think at that moment and my painbody wound was activated.
I can remember his smile vanishing as I went into full hostage taking, guns a blazing mode. It’s like being in an emotional blackout only there are no drugs involved. How could he not bring home the angel food cake with the candy canes and gumdrops? Didn’t he hear me? Doesn’t he see me? Didn’t he understand? The card and chocolate chip cookies were a distant memory…and this poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He went to a bakery after work to get me a birthday cake–simple, thoughtful, and kind. The idea of an emotional explosion over a carrot cake probably sounds silly to most of you.
When you get emotionally activated, you make it about something else because the unresolved trauma is pushed down so deep. As Travis Meadows sings in his song Sideways – push it down it comes out sideways… and on that night – it sure came out sideways. I ruined my own birthday and of course, blamed him for it.  This is the behavior that I was addicted to. I was unconsciously causing drama to recreate the trauma to have a corrective experience. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that. I didn’t know how to PIVOT when my pain got activated. The end result is disconnected, and often failed relationships.
I’d like to emphasize something.
The simple act of becoming AWARE of the wounds and behaviors as they are
happening is an ENORMOUS first step.
So, as I just explained, I was not addicted to love. I was addicted to the drama and the desire of the fight to find love. Healthy, unconditional love is boring for those of you fighting the wrong fight in hopes of winning.
What I know is that people can and do change – AND you can learn to attach securely in relationships. I know – because I have done just that.
Today I stand in front of you as a Healthy Adult who is not afraid to be vulnerable. I am sensitive and I can name that. I have learned to be responsible for my own emotions and choose connection over conflict.  I have learned to have good internal boundaries and how to manage my pain body when it is activated.
I now work with others to help them learn to PIVOT toward self-care and self-efficacy so that we can stop the violence and pain caused by wounded hearts.
For those of you who identify with what I am saying I want you to know – you are not crazy – you are simply riding what I call the Crazy Train and you can de-board. You can learn how to be responsible for your emotions and stand in relational alignment…a term that I created which means when your mind thinks in alignment with how your heart feels and you have the courage to take healthy action with your feet, you have achieved a verticality that is honest, ethical, and authentic to who you are.
In closing, my invitation to the Behavioral Health Community is to stop using the term Love Addiction. We need to stop shaming those who long for love by telling them they are addicted to it. Let’s please stop using the term love addiction and call it attachment dysregulation.
If you find that you are suffering from attachment dysregulation and considering getting out of a relationship that feels addictive, there is help. I started PIVOT, a relational alignment group and have been training advocates which consists of therapists and coaches to help you transition out of unhealthy relationships and teach you what relationships are healthy for you based on who you are and where you come from.
If you are currently looking to end a relationship, I encourage you to consider taking the steps listed below:
1. Identify and evaluate the relationship from the Whole Perspective
At PIVOT, we use the Whole Perspective concept as a tool to look at a relationship foundation from more than just what is getting triggered emotionally. It will eliminate fantasy and put you into reality quickly. The Whole Perspective consists of five components; spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and financial.
2. Get the right support
If you are seeing a therapist, make sure they are skilled working with attachment and family of origin issues. You may benefit from getting your own PIVOT advocate. While you are gearing up for possible relational withdrawal, you will need support if you decide to pull the plug.
3. Observe the relationship
Learn to be a good observer. Often we “think” we know what is going on as we evaluate a relationship while in emotional crisis. If you are playing defense and defending your position in the relationship while in emotional pain, you cannot see reality. I suggest that you get a notebook and at the start of every day BEFORE you engage with anyone, take a few minutes and write down what the relationship consisted of the previous day. You will soon see your own patterns and get a really good idea of what is happening in your relationship.
4. Identify the Core – Wound
Work with a professional and find the reason why this pain is so deeply rooted. If you experienced abandonment and neglect like in my story above – someone ending a relationship with you is going to be considerably harder. You also may stay in relationship due to a codependent relationship with a mentally ill parent. Your storyline is unique and you must understand what is going to activate your old wounds.
5. Create a self-care plan
How will you take care of yourself based on the Whole Perspective? What do you need to prepare yourself for if you leave this relationship? Are there any financial realities that need to be considered and managed? Do you have a physical outlet to help with the anxiety and depression that may surface temporarily after the relationship is over? What kind of spiritual guidance can help? Are you able to take some time for yourself to begin to heal emotionally? Any new intellectual interests you can engage in to give your mind something new to focus on?
6. Make a decision
If you followed these steps, you will be in a much better position to decide to stay or leave the relationship. If you leave, it will sting and you will now have valuable information that can help continue to inform you that you made the right decision. Remember this is not a straight line and there will be days when you will want to go back. And, if you do decide to stay and give it another try, you will have a lot more information that may help you in couples counseling.
Remember that YOU have to take care of YOU. When we allow others to be responsible for our emotions, we rob ourselves of emotional intelligence and personal growth and create a dependency that looks and feels like an addiction to others.  PIVOT toward yourself – heal your wounds – and then you can attach securely to others as a healthy adult!
By: Lori Jean Glass

Deboarding Crazy Train

Posted on January 9, 2018February 10, 2023 by Lori Jean Glass

When we unconsciously approach relationships, trying to have a corrective experience, we engage in survival patterns from the past and end up hurting ourselves and others. We quickly find ourselves boarding what I call the Crazy Train.

Metaphorically speaking, Crazy Train is the ride you are on (actions) when you are in a relationship that is making you feel crazy. The specific actions a person takes when riding Crazy Train are unique to each individual.

The Crazy Train is fueled by a combination of feelings ignited by a relationship that has gone off the rails into an abyss of protest behavior, secrets, and conflict. The burning of an unmet longing, sparked at every painful activation, creates intensity in most relationships.

Clients who are experiencing challenging relationships come to PIVOT for a variety of reasons. The most common theme is that a situation or a person in their life is creating feelings that are difficult to manage and tolerate. For some, these feelings lead to actions that, from the outside perspective, appear crazy to an observer.

These actions lead to experiences that create unhealthy attachments with other people and/or food, alcohol, etc. as a way to get out of the feelings.

Because Crazy Train can appear in such a variety of ways, it is often misunderstood and untreated.

The first thing to do, if you or someone you know appears to be on Crazy Train, is to identify the behaviors and/or experiences causing trouble while trying to manage the feelings. Is the person drinking to cope, perhaps even alcoholically? Are they struggling with depression and/or anxiety? Are they isolating from love ones? Are they having an unhealthy relationship with food? When an individual takes a look at their life from a Whole Perspective (Emotionally, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Spiritually), they quickly uncover the areas of life and behaviors which are creating unhealthy relationships.

Once these behaviors have been clearly identified, it is important to have the proper, individualized support. A PIVOT advocate is well versed in attachment dysregulation and relational healing. You need help in understanding the original wounding that is driving the behavior(s). So often people identify and arrest the destructive behavior and stop there. It’s great to stop a destructive behavior that is not serving you, but if the core wound is not addressed, then a different behavior often shows up that is often just as dysfunctional. Eventually, this may lead a person back to the original dysfunctional behavior that they were trying to stop in the first place.

Once the behavior and the appropriate support has been identified, what’s next? For most, the next step is to take a look in the rear view mirror and identify the Survival Patterns, the skills developed to help navigate emotional pain and manage and tolerate feelings that may not be working for you yet were installed at a time when you had no other solution presented. This imprinting usually happens during the child or adolescent time of your life. After mapping out these patterns from childhood, adolescent and adult years, the next task is to create repairs with your advocate. These repairs can be difficult to come up with because most people have been using some version of their Survival Patterns throughout most of their life. We help people co-create healthy repairs, that work for them, and build out, what I call, a Healthy Adult.

The Healthy Adult is you at your highest good, operating in a healthy manner toward yourself and the people around you. For those on Crazy Train, this may sound like a tall order. It is! AND, it’s possible for anyone that is willing to take a look at oneself and take personal responsibility for the Survival Patterns and repairs.

One of the biggest misconceptions about working on core wounds is the assumption that they will eventually go away. Unfortunately, that is not the case. What I have found is that, like Eckhart Tolle describes in his book , the painbody lies dormant and will be activated when similar situations occur in life. By having a clear plan on how to manage and tolerate these feelings, paired with healthy internal boundaries and consistent self care from a Whole Perspective, there is less chaos and more opportunity for what I call Relational Freedom.

This is not a call for behavioral perfection, rather a system in which to refer to when feelings become uncomfortable or boarding Crazy Train seems like the only choice. Over time, many of the feelings that were difficult to manage and tolerate, become more manageable and tolerable, because the tools and repairs used to deboard Crazy Train. The result is an overall state of well-being which we call True Vitality – operating in life from your healthiest self – based on who you are and where you come from. This is the birth of your Healthy Adult.

When living in your Healthy Adult, the feelings that have historically been difficult to manage and tolerate, do not get activated as frequently. When they do, they are opportunities to repair. When you are able to live in your Healthy Adult, you are able to go to sleep at night knowing that you took good care of yourself relationally and were respectful to others – even in the most challenging of situations. Being in your Healthy Adult is attributing to the greater good for you in all your relationships – this is true recovery from Crazy Train!

If this is something you are ready to step into in your own life, contact PIVOT. We are here to help.

Withdrawal From Love

Posted on December 13, 2017 by Lori Jean Glass

If you’ve been in love before, you probably know the feeling of being on a “high.” However, if your partner left you, then you may experience extreme “lows,” which are physically painful. This is withdrawal from love.
The reason for this is that when you fall in love your body experiences a chemical reaction, like any mind-altering experience. And when you’re in love you experience a “high” as if you were drugged.
This is why it is such a powerful experience. On the flipside it can lead to attaching anxiously in cases when there is a need to heal unmet longing.
If you experience depression, anxiety or even flu-like symptoms, then it is possible you are experiencing the withdrawal from an addictive relationship.
Just like withdrawing from an addiction to alcohol, drugs or other substances, withdrawing from an addictive relationship is toxic and painful.
Withdrawal from love and addictive relationships is one of the most painful withdrawal experiences.
Why?
Because a unique connection is made between the person affected and their unmet need for love as a child.
In fact, during withdrawal from love, people psychologically go back and feel the losses they felt as a child. Unfortunately, the more neglected they were as a child, the more they suffer.
What leads to seeking unbalanced, unfulfilled and addictive relationships is having unresolved unhealthy childhood relationships.
This becomes a survival pattern because you want to heal childhood abandonment wounds.
What makes the pain worse is that addictive relationships are colored with conflicts, emotional abuse and even physical violence.
If you are experiencing withdrawal from an addictive relationship, then you can take these steps to move through it and heal:
Step 1) Firstly, start with recognizing the pain. Be present and accept what you are feeling, thinking, and what you want.
This is the hardest step for most people. It is especially difficult to be present when you are in deep pain.
Step 2) Stop judging your feelings, thoughts and wants. Be aware of them and accept them.
Step 3) Remember, you are worthy of love. And the most powerful love comes from within you. Don’t depend on a partner for love. Instead, increase your love for yourself. Love your uniqueness, your views, your personality and your gifts.
Step 4) Identify ways you would like to express the best in yourself and take actions that reflect your best self. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect.
Step 5) Be willing to change. Real recovery starts with healing and repairing yourself. This means dealing with feelings, grieving and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. This is best done with the help of a professional therapist who specializes in addictive relationships.
Step 6) Make changes… work on self-love and healing yourself. This process is about your recovery.
Step 7) Once you have started to heal yourself, then you can make choices. You can choose to let go of seeking addictive relationships. You can decide that being whole, unique, and your true self is worth it.
In conclusion, if you think you are in withdrawal from an addictive relationship, you must give yourself time to heal.
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain inside you.
This is also the time to build up your confidence and self-esteem. Take time to read inspirational books, try new activities, or change your routine.
The important thing is not to blame yourself for the relationship ending, as this prolongs the withdrawal period.
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. Stay optimistic and know that with the right support you too can have secure attachment and a healthy love relationship.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome this painful experience, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

The Whole Perspective

Posted on July 20, 2017 by Lori Jean Glass

The Whole Perspective is part of the core curriculum at PIVOT. This is where we invite you to show up for your whole self and live the change that you seek. The benefits of the Whole Perspective are:

Identify what areas in your life need attention.
Gain self-esteem and confidence through recognizing what areas of your life are
working for you.
Understand yourself in relationship to self and others.
Know and discern what is important to you when looking for a relationship or
maintaining a current relationship.

First – Where do you stand now?

Most of us are not taught how to look at ourselves from a Whole Perspective. For
example, you may focus only on the spiritual or the intellectual, and not pay attention to
the other parts of yourself, creating imbalance, conflict, and unmanageability. This
unmanageability can result in complications that have a negative impact on you and
those around you.
In relation to others, typically, we fall into relationships based only on the physical and
emotional connection we have with another person. If we don’t consider the Whole
Perspective, including the financial, intellectual and spiritual elements, we often end up
with unrealistic expectations of both our partner and the relationship.

Now, let’s get real.

The Whole Perspective calls for looking at oneself and/or a relationship congruently,
from a spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical, and financial perspective. When we get curious about each universal element, only then are we able to see our self and
others from a place of reality.

The payoff.

As we work at seeing our self from a Whole Perspective, we create a catalyst and a
framework for discovering who we are and how we attach in all relationships. Living with
this new knowledge and awareness we are finally able to THINK, FEEL AND DO in
alignment, consistently access our healthy adult and, live the fulfilling life we deserve.
The Whole Perspective = Looking at oneself and/or a relationship from a spiritual,
intellectual, emotional, physical, and financial perspective.
Healthy alignment = Alignment with what I THINK, DO AND FEEL.
The Whole Perspective + Healthy alignment = Relational Freedom

Your PIVOT advocate.

Utilizing a relatable, non-judgmental and compassionate approach, A Pivot advocate is
trained to deliver high impact solutions to help you pivot quickly. The Whole Perspective
is designed specifically to set a strong foundation for learning about yourself through PIVOT modules with continued support from your Advocate.
By: Lori Jean Glass

Underlying Issues for Relationship Challenges

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Lori Jean Glass

Love addiction, love avoidance, and love ambivalence are terms we use in the “self-help” category. In clinical psychology we use such terms as attachment disorder and erotomania (falsely believing that someone loves you when they don’t). Beneath these conditions are underlying disorders, which include depression, anxiety, and codependency. It gets quite confusing when we start to get a diagnosis for mood disorders and for challenging relationships. We have had many clients who come to Five Sisters Ranch and express that they feel they have been over-assessed and under-treated by the medical/treatment profession.

The attachment disorder is self-explanatory. It is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood. This results in problematic social expectations and behaviors. Such attachment styles result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, and abrupt separation from caregivers after about 6 months of age and before about three years of age. We find that many people carry this way of “attaching” into their adult relationships. The energy they grew up in becomes familiar and we tend to seek what we know.

In addition to the attachment disorder, love addicts and love avoidants often present with anxiety, depression, and shame. These mood disorders often present themselves before the love addiction is diagnosed, but most of the time they come in a cluster of symptoms and all three manifest at the same time. So it is not hard to see how and why many people are confused, feel hopeless, and navigate in and out of relationships with a lot of trauma and drama.

Using the concept of cause and effect, the attachment disorder and the other above-mentioned symptoms stem from what Eckhart Tolle’s calls the “pain body.” The original wound is usually some type of neglect or abuse. The original wound manifests in the body and gets activated as a “pain body” which Eckhart describes in The New Earth. Neglect leads to anxiety about being abandoned, and abuse leads to shame [from some form of incest] or the child blaming him or herself for everything that went wrong in the family of origin. All of these childhood issues lead to depression whether it is clinical or situational.

The original wound occurs when the insistent need for love of the infant or young child gets ignored for so long that it goes underground. It becomes unconscious. The child splits into two personalities—one is no longer conscious of the need for love and the child gets on with his or her life. The other personality, the one that is unconscious, remains dormant for a while and then reaches out for love through projection. For the love addict, he or she meets someone and they unconsciously project the old need for love onto the person. Unfortunately, this unconscious need for love is insatiable, uncontrolled and horribly insecure because it is the need of the infant and child, not the healthy need for love of the adult.

If it progresses, this insatiable need for love becomes love addiction. If the original wound is abuse leading to toxic shame, the child usually grows up and finds intimacy uncomfortable, so they evolve into love avoidants, or more often ambivalents.

Many wounded people usually present with a mood altering condition like love addiction or love avoidance and then the underlying issues of depression, anxiety and shame, but not always. There are many possible ways for all of these conditions to be presented to the psychotherapist. They can come up one at a time or all at once.

It is important to treat the underlying issues immediately when one is presenting with love addiction. The attachment style that is presenting in the addictive relationship, the avoidant behavior, or both (the ambivalent) will need to be understood and managed in order for someone with a history of trauma, attachment wounds, mood disorders and/or addiction to be in a healthy relationship. Learning to manage and tolerate the “pain” as it comes up in life – AND IT WILL – is crucial to success in relationships.

This is all a process – peeling back of layers of both the presenting issues and the underling personality disorders.

If you feel you are ready to take this step, to understand your pain body wound and repair and restore, Five Sisters Ranch is the place for you.

Dating With a Purpose

Posted on May 5, 2016 by Lori Jean Glass

If you’re struggling with being single and facilitating a relationship, a PIVOT workshop may help. If you wish to learn how to have good discernment and identify healthy, lasting relationships, get a PIVOT advocate today and learn how to date with a purpose!
Do you wonder why your friends have found “the one” but you’re still trawling dating websites and apps, wondering whether to go on a date… again? If that’s the case, the first question you should ask yourself is:

What Is The Purpose Of Dating?

Think about it. People date for different reasons. Some want to have fun and get out of the house. Some want to meet new people. And others want to find a lifelong partnership.
If you’re not dating with a purpose, then how do you know when you have found the right person to have a relationship with?

What Does Dating With A Purpose Mean?

Dating without a purpose is like getting in your car and driving in random directions, hoping you will get “somewhere that makes you happy.” Chances are, you will probably get lost, frustrated or go in circles.
That’s what it’s like with dating. If you don’t have a target, or destination in mind, then you won’t get there.
Dating with a purpose is essential if you want to find someone to create and sustain a healthy relationship. Think of dating like interviewing someone for the most important role as your partner. You need to prepare, plan, and decide what you want.
Creating a dating plan is not easy. It takes effort, patience, self-discipline and the wisdom of others who have done this successfully.
The good news… it is worth the effort.

How Do You Date With Purpose?

Since dating with a purpose is one of the most important things you will do in life, we’ve created a list of things to consider prior to completing the Dating with a Purpose module in the PIVOT curriculum.

1. Honesty That Creates Trust

Trust is the basis for relationships. Trusting yourself is key and must come first. If you have unresolved attachment wounds or trauma due to destabilizing relationships in the past, you will not trust yourself and your choices and you could end up picking with a broken picker! When looking for a partner, you want to know how to best understand if they are trustworthy too. Transparency takes time and building trust takes time.

2. Ready To Be In A Relationship (Both Partners)

You both must be ready to want to be in a relationship. And again, this means healing from past trauma, childhood or relationship issues. Otherwise, you may find that childhood wounds will be triggered, leading to negative emotions and unproductive behaviors.

3. The Willingness To Negotiate Or Compromise

For a balanced relationship to grow, you must both be willing to negotiate or compromise. It doesn’t mean that you give up what’s important to you. Instead, you need to be prepared to understand each other and be willing to co-create solutions for challenges as they arise together.

4. Self-Awareness

This is an important criterion that will help you create a meaningful relationship. Being self-aware will help you both to know who you are and what you want and need in a relationship. Without this, it will be difficult to have a long-term relationship.
Self-awareness means both partners knowing who they are and what they want and need out of a relationship and life in general.

5. Self-Esteem

When you are looking for a life-long partner, one key area to focus on is self-esteem. You want to know they have healthy self-esteem, and you need to ensure that you do too. Otherwise, if you look for a relationship to be what makes you feel good about yourself, then you may attract the wrong type of person. Self-esteem means both partners feeling “good” about who they are.

6. Communication Skills

How do you create a deep connection with someone? Healthy communication should definitely be the first step. For a relationship to work, you need strong communication skills. This means being able to:

Ask for what you want and need
Fighting fair and expressing your opinion without hurting or attacking the other person
Describe your feelings
Be upfront and say what you mean (don’t beat around the bush)
Listen actively and let your partner have their voice

7. Sexual Compatibility

This is about having similar sexual values, inclinations, and preferences. You want to have physical compatibility to ensure that you are both satisfied in the relationship and that neither of you feels rejected.

8. Recognition Of Family Origin History

To have a healthy relationship, there needs to be a recognition of the family of origin history. This means being aware that childhood wounds will probably be triggered, and sensitivity strategies must be created.
For a relationship to work, the rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a couple. The Relational Alignment module in the PIVOT process will disclose and support the ability to reveal this part of self to your partner and give you the tools to repair and restore challenging situations so you can both show up as healthy adults for your relationship.

9. Similar Values

To minimize conflict in relationships, having general compatibility with values, money, religion, monogamy, parenting, travel, and how you want to spend your downtime is key.
It doesn’t mean that you must think the same about everything. However, to minimize conflict in the future, it is ideal to determine what are your must-have values.

10. Patience And Tolerance

A key factor for a healthy relationship is for both partners to have patience and tolerance.
Of course, patience is not consistent. It will come and go. However, it is worthwhile practicing patience before you commit to a relationship. Some people are naturally patient, and others are not.
To make a relationship work you both should have tolerance for the small, unimportant things in life. However, it is never acceptable to tolerate neglect, abuse or bad behavior. If that is happening, at any stage of your relationship, then you should get help immediately. Remember, you should never tolerate abuse.

11. Ordinary Days Or Boredom

There will be days when the relationship seems ordinary or sometimes feels boring. This is important to accept, otherwise, you may feel that the relationship is not working.
Many people expect relationships to be exciting all the time, or worse, they feel it’s ok to live with pain rather than move on.
Remember that healthy relationships have ordinary days.

12. Willingness To Influence, Not Control

Have the willingness to substitute “influencing” for “control” is important. It means:

Saying something once and letting it go
Being a role model instead and leading by example, rather than nagging someone to change
Accepting your partner as they are

13. Personal Boundaries

One way to maintain your self-esteem in a relationship is to keep your personal boundaries. You need to do this, even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person. The relational Circle Boundaries in the PIVOT process will help you be able to establish and maintain your own internal boundaries.
If you don’t keep your independence and your personal boundaries, then it will lead to having no boundaries and neglect yourself.
A healthy relationship is one where your partner will let you in and will also give you space for yourself.

14. Devotion And Initial Commitment

A healthy relationship is based on the feeling that you are committed and devoted to one another. The feeling of love will come and go… it is the commitment and devotion to one another that will be what keeps you in a long term relationship.
At PIVOT, we consider love to be a verb. It is an action word. There are days when you will feel loving toward your partner and there are days when life is getting the best of you and feeling “love” generally is not happening.
When you are devoted to one another, this includes spending special time together. Celebrating the special days like birthdays, milestones, etc. It is important at times to put your partner first to make them feel special.
If you are dating and decide to commit to only seeing each other, it is important to spell out what does that first stage of commitment mean to you? How often do you contact each other? See each other? Are you not having other sexual partners? Spell it out to avoid confusion and conflict.

15. Quality Time

Although you want to ensure that both of you have your share of personal space, for a healthy relationship to work, you need to set aside quality time with each other.

16. Knowing When To Stay In The Relationship Or Leave

Although we want our relationships to last a lifetime, it is important to know when to stay and when it is time to leave the relationship.
This means staying when things are going well when the relationship is healthy… even if you have times when you feel like it takes effort to make it work.
On the other hand, it means being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy. If you are experiencing abuse, neglect or bad behavior, then this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and you need to be willing to leave or set a strong boundary for the other person to get help.

17. Being Compatible

It is important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship.
Although no relationship is perfect, the relationships between people that are compatible are more likely to last, be fulfilling and feel settled.
Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner’s differences.

18. Respect And Admiration

It is important to have respect for each other, and also admiration. You want to have a relationship with someone you respect and admire.
Admiration is more than just skin deep. Of course, there will be times your partner will not always look good to you. However, admiration is about accepting and loving the whole person.

19. Reciprocity (Give And Take)

The test of a healthy relationship is for both partners to be willing and able to give and take. This means making small sacrifices now and then. It also means asking for what you want and need.

20. Realistic Expectations

Before you start a relationship, have a conversation about both of your expectations of the relationship. What do you expect your partner to do for you and vice versa? If you feel like something is missing in your life, then a relationship will not fix this. Don’t expect your relationship to meet this need in you.
You first need to have healthy self-esteem, trust and love yourself, before you can expect that from others.

Attend Our Relationship Building Skills Workshop & Date With A Purpose!

In summary, one way to navigate the dating world and make it work for you is to start dating with a purpose. Be aware of your reasons for dating and don’t compromise on what’s important to you. We recommend creating a dating plan to see what difference it makes in building a fulfilling relationship.
If you would like more advice on dating with a purpose, then contact PIVOT. We offer high-result relationship workshops as well as carefully designed relationship coaching for individuals and couples that can help you find success while dating. Reach out to us today!