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Enabling behavior can sometimes be difficult to recognize. People typically think that they’re helping a loved one or protecting them from a serious consequences of their behavior. They might believe that if they keep the situation under control, they’ll be able to prevent serious harm to the people they love. However, in most cases, they’re actually doing them a great disservice by not clearing the path for self-improvement and self-sufficiency.

The definition of an enabler typically boils down to someone who inadvertently or knowingly facilitates harmful actions or behaviors toward a loved one that is disguised as “help.” Witnessing someone you deeply care about experiencing hardships or making poor choices can be challenging and painful for many individuals. On the other hand, out of a genuine desire to help and protect their partner, family member, or close friend from facing the consequences of their actions, they become entwined in one of the forms of enabling behavior.

What Are The Personality Traits Of An Enabler? 

Enabling behavior often goes hand in hand with specific personality traits and characteristics. It’s important to remember that enablers act out of love and concern, but these behaviors can ultimately be harmful. Learning to recognize and understand these traits and tendencies can be instrumental in identifying individuals who might be prone to establishing enabling relationships. 

These are some of the personality traits commonly associated with enablers:

• Compassion. Often driven by a deep sense of compassion, enablers want to help and protect loved ones from harm and go to great lengths to do so.
• Conflict avoidance. Some enablers tend to avoid conflict at all cost, fear confrontation, and believe that they can maintain peace and harmony by appeasing their loved ones.
• Low self-esteem. This is a frequent struggle for many enablers. They might feel that their worth is tied to their ability to support and protect others, and in time, this feeling becomes intertwined with their enabling behavior.
• Need for approval. Some enablers seek validation from their loved ones and go to great lengths to gain their approval.
• Guilt and obligation. These feelings are common among enablers. Some believe they’re responsible for their loved one’s well-being and feel guilty if they don’t help.
• Fear of abandonment. Enablers often fear their loved ones abandoning them if they don’t continue accommodating their needs. This fear drives them to maintain the status quo, even when they recognize the harm it causes.
• Difficulty with personal boundaries. Enablers struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. They might repeatedly allow their loved ones to overstep them, leading to a toxic cycle of enabling behavior.
• Overly responsible. Some Individuals tend to take on more than their fair share of responsibilities, including those that need to be taken care of by the person they enable. This type of excessive sense of responsibility frequently leads to burnout and exhaustion.
• Lack of self-care. Enablers often neglect their own well-being in favor of caring for their loved ones. This type of self-sacrifice can lead to physical and emotional strain.
• Prone to deny or rationalize a loved one’s negative behaviors and make excuses or justifications to maintain the belief that they are helping.

How Do You Know If You Are Enabling Someone? 

Enabling relationships often begin as an attempt to provide help and support to a struggling loved one. It can involve either direct or indirect support for their unhealthy behaviors. Frequently, these behaviors revolve around issues like alcohol or substance abuse, emotional manipulation tactics, engaging in unlawful actions, or even self-harm.

If you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for your loved one’s actions and emotions and devote considerable time and energy to covering up or concealing their shortcomings and mistakes, you’re probably enabling them to a certain extent. Particularly if you find yourself justifying these actions to yourself and others, feeling like the difficulties your loved one faces are unique.

You might feel your focus gradually shifting away from your own needs and personal well-being. Another telltale sign is fearing your loved one’s reaction if you confront them about their behavior, afraid they could withdraw their affection or approval if you stop covering for them.

In extreme cases, you might even find yourself running errands, completing chores, or doing their work, continuously depleting your energy and blaming them for consuming all your time and resources. Recognizing these signs and understanding the psychology behind enabling behavior is crucial for breaking this harmful cycle and beginning to work on fostering healthier relationships.

What Are The Signs Of Enabling Behavior?

Recognizing the most common signs of enabling behavior is the first step toward helping yourself and your loved one get started on a journey of personal growth and achieving healthier connections and relationships with others. Enabling can be quite subtle in some cases, which is why some people don’t even realize they’re doing it. While well-intentioned, enabling relationships can inadvertently perpetuate harm and hinder the development of everyone involved.

So, what does it mean to enable someone? Understanding these signs is vital to breaking free from the cycle of enabling and promoting positive change.

1. Ignoring or tolerating negative behaviors. Enablers often turn a blind eye or downplay certain harmful actions or behaviors, even when they are aware of them.
2. Providing financial assistance that enables harmful habits. Giving money or providing other resources that support destructive habits like substance abuse or excessive spending, for example.
3. Covering up mistakes or consequences. Enablers tend to intervene to shield the enabled person from facing the consequences of their actions, preventing them from learning from their mistakes.
4. Making excuses or justifications for the enabled person. Explaining or rationalizing the negative behaviors of their loved ones to protect them from criticism.
5. Taking on responsibilities of the enabled person. This involves assuming tasks or duties that the enabled person needs to handle themselves, usually out of a desire to ease their burden.
6. Not addressing the issue. Dodging conversations that address the underlying problems to maintain a façade of harmony.
7. No boundaries. Enablers often fail to establish and enforce personal boundaries, compromising their well-being in the long run.
8. Allowing personal happiness to be affected by the enabling relationship. Having one’s happiness and peace of mind depend on the behavior of the person they’re enabling.
9. Feeling resentment toward the enabled person. Gradually, over time, enablers might grow to resent the person they are helping as they begin to recognize the negative impact of their enabling actions.
10. Becoming stuck in a pattern of enabling. Enablers often find themselves trapped in a cycle of continued support without encouraging the enabled person to start taking responsibility or seek help for their actions.

Learn How To Manage An Enabling Relationship With PIVOT

Breaking the cycle of enabling often involves answering the question, “What does enabling mean?” and seeking expert support, learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and fostering open communication within relationships. PIVOT’s relationship advocates can help you steer the relationship in a more constructive direction and turn enabling into empowering. 

If you feel like you might benefit from the experiences of others dealing with similar issues, the peaceful environment of our Glass House retreat provides a perfect setting for guided workshops on self-improvement. By engaging in self-reflection and understanding your own behavior, you can work on improving relationships with others. This way, you can turn your care for someone into a truly loving and meaningful relationship.

This is one of those popular psychology terms that get tossed around lightly in conversations and media without much insight into the full spectrum of its meaning and the severity of repercussions this behavior can have. We might consider it simply the easy way to avoid an argument. Or we might not want to be the “nagging spouse” in a romantic relationship, particularly regarding stereotypes attached to women. Codependency and enabling are so closely related that at times it is hard to distinguish between the two.

So, what does enabling someone really mean? Is it pretending not to notice harmful behaviors to preserve peace and not shake things up in your relationships? What is the true meaning behind the title of  “enabler person” and its impact for those involved? Each of us might have different ideas come to mind based on our personal experiences with the people we’re in close relationships with. It could be our romantic partner, child, parents, or friends. 

We could also be on the other side of the enabling behavior and have someone quietly notice yet not mention our characteristics that are causing harm to them, others, or ourselves. Let’s forget about the guesswork, look into the true enabler definition, and answer the question of “What is an enabler?” exactly.

What Does It Mean If Someone Is An Enabler? 

Most of us have found ourselves in a situation to ignore or inadvertently support someone’s irresponsible or harmful actions out of fear that we might cause an uncomfortable situation or strain the relationship with the person in question. We might have, unknowingly or fully aware, played the role of an enabler. However, what is the definition of enabling?

A common definition of an enabler is someone who regularly allows a family member, close friend, or romantic partner to engage in irresponsible or harmful behavior, by making it easier for that behavior to continue. While the term is frequently used with a negative connotation, it’s important to acknowledge that many people become enablers without realizing it. Often we hear from the enabler “I just can’t let them be in pain”, or “they need my help or things won’t be ok.”

Enablers often find themselves organizing their behavior around the needs and choices of the person they’re enabling. It’s a frequent misconception that enablers knowingly support and condone negative choices. In fact, they’re often the ones who end up negatively affected and disturbed by the consequences that the enabled person could face. However, their motivation is usually noble and stems from wanting to “fix things” or “keep the peace.”

Some examples of enabling behavior include:

• Ignoring or tolerating harmful or irresponsible behaviors. 
• Providing financial help to the enabled person when doing so is harmful. 
• Covering up their mistakes, making excuses or justifications. 
• Taking on their responsibilities. 
• Avoiding the issue or refusing to talk about it.
• Not setting clear boundaries or allowing the enabled person to cross them repeatedly. 

Over time, enabling behavior can take a toll on a person’s happiness and lead to resentment toward the person they’re enabling. It’s essential to understand that enabling, while usually well-intentioned, inadvertently perpetuates harmful actions. Did you know that supporting your loved ones without becoming an unwitting enabler is possible by fostering open communication and setting clear and healthy boundaries?

What Are Enabling Behaviors? 

Recognizing enabling behaviors is the first step toward breaking this harmful cycle. It requires introspection and a willingness to change these patterns for the betterment of both yourself and your loved ones. Remember that enabling behaviors extend far beyond the realm of substance abuse or addiction, which is a frequent misconception. They are complex behavioral patterns within close relationships that require our attention and effort. 

These behaviors encompass a range of actions and attitudes that, knowingly or unknowingly, condone, accept, or even support negative actions, allowing a loved one to persist in their destructive behavior despite the awareness of consequences. Think of it as a distorted attempt to solve problems – like trying to patch a sinking ship with band-aids. It’s a well-intentioned and yet misguided effort to keep the peace or maintain harmony within the relationship.

One common aspect of enabling behaviors is allowing various types of addiction to thrive without confrontation. Whether it’s substance addiction, gambling, or any other compulsive behavior, the enabler person often turns a blind eye or actively participates in enabling the continuation of these harmful habits. They can also manifest in allowing someone to behave in ways that do not align with their age, responsibilities, or capabilities. 

Another example of enabling behavior is allowing a partner to emotionally throw their anger around and not confronting the situation.  Walking on eggshells is a term used by alot of people and the person walking on the eggshells is enabling th ebehavior to continue even when it is hurting them personally. 

At their core, enabling behaviors stem from a desire to shield our loved ones from pain or discomfort. However, in doing so, we perpetuate a cycle of negativity and hinder their growth and personal development. And, often end up hurting ourselves.

Why Is Enabling Harmful?

This is a question that deserves a closer look because the effects of enabling can be toxic to all parties involved. Enabling is essentially love twisted into fear, and the desire to help morphs into a form of control that actually allows negative behaviors to continue. Let’s explore why enabling is detrimental to everyone it touches.

Harmful For The Enabler

Enablers, driven by the desire to prevent a major crisis, get caught in a relentless cycle of stress. Instead of averting one significant catastrophe, they end up shouldering the burden of managing numerous smaller daily crises. This constant strain can severely affect their mental and emotional well-being.

Most enablers are aware, to some extent, that they’re being taken advantage of. This knowledge can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or unappreciation. While they honestly believe they’re helping, the reality is that they are facilitating the very behaviors they wish to prevent.

Harmful For The Enabled

Enabling can also have adverse consequences for the person being enabled. When someone repeatedly steps in to handle tasks and responsibilities they could manage on their own, it erodes their sense of self-worth over time. They become conditioned to rely on external assistance, not learning to confront the consequences of their actions.

Setting boundaries might feel like punishment to the enabled individual, as they’ve grown accustomed to the absence of accountability. However, this means they might develop low self-esteem over time, feel incapable of handling everyday challenges, and lack the motivation to change. This state of learned helplessness ultimately hinders personal growth and development.

Harmful To Family Members And Friends

Enabling doesn’t just affect the enabler and the enabled; it also has repercussions on other family members and friends. Enabled individuals begin to expect that their actions are exempt from consequences, leading to a sense of entitlement. They might even manipulate their enablers emotionally to ensure that the support continues.

This dynamic can create a toxic environment where trust is eroded, relationships become strained, and the well-being of everyone involved is compromised. The cycle of enabling perpetuates itself, making it challenging for all parties to break free from its grasp.

Learn How To To Stop Enabling Someone And Start Empowering Them Instead With PIVOT’s Guidance

While most enabling behavior comes from love and an honest desire to help someone, this is not an effective way to break the pattern and help the person you’re enabling to achieve responsibility and personal growth. If you’re held back by fear, you can start by seeking help for yourself. With the help of PIVOT’s experienced coaches, you can learn to recognize your enabling behaviors in individual sessions and work toward addressing them in a healthy way.Our discrete Glass House retreats are another option to explore strategies to help you end this unhealthy cycle and promote healthier relationship patterns and meaningful connections. Instead of being someone’s safety net, you can learn to create the space for their empowerment and allow them to find their true selves while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Knowing and respecting each other’s boundaries is an essential part of any relationship, no matter if it’s romantic relationships, friendships, or familial ties. In romantic relationships, being “a couple” isn’t just about getting to know each other, it’s also about getting to know yourself, your emotional and personal needs, and being able to convey them to your partner effectively.

This is why defining relationship boundaries is so important and one of the cornerstones of a healthy and thriving relationship. Not overstepping these boundaries indicates a confident and mature relationship between two people or partners, while their lack could lead to the development of discontent and disconnect.

What Are Some Examples Of Physical Boundaries?

The first thing you need to be aware of is that it’s perfectly fine to let others, including your partner, know about your physical boundaries. They cover a wide spectrum of behaviors, from the way you like establishing different forms of physical intimacy to whether you’re hungry at the same time your partner is.

Equally important to knowing what physical boundaries look like is knowing what you can do to establish them. You can use simple phrases to communicate your needs:

• I am really tired. I need to have a break now. 
• I need to eat. I will go grab something.
• No. I don’t want you to touch me like that. 
• I’m allergic to (something). We can’t have that in our home. 

These are only some of the examples of how you can establish appropriate physical boundaries that will help you preserve your desires and personality and allow you to feel comfortable in your relationships.

Why Is It Important To Set Physical Boundaries In A Relationship? 

The most important thing about setting any type of boundary in your relationship, including physical ones, is to ensure your voice is heard and your desires respected. By clearly stating and strongly setting boundaries, you ensure you’re an equal partner, not a person whose sole job is to please your partner at the expense of everything that is you.

As for physical boundaries, first and foremost they help protect your own physical space and physical needs. They safeguard your comfort in situations involving physical contact with your partner, as well as in situations where both partners need to satiate their basic physical needs. This way, when you set firm physical boundaries, you’re protecting yourself from any potential for physical harm or violence in any shape or form, securing an understanding and thriving environment primarily for yourself, but also for your partner.

How Do You Maintain Physical Boundaries In A Relationship? 

While it’s not easy, identifying your boundaries is the first and most essential step. However, they can be different and vary depending on the situation. Once you’ve identified them, putting them in practice and continually working on maintaining them will ultimately help you reduce stress and ensure a healthy bond between you and your partner:

• Remember that they’re healthy for your relationship. They help you keep balance between you and your significant other. By providing a clear idea of what you both expect from each other, you can keep open communication, reduce conflict, and bring you closer to each other.
• Stay honest about your needs. Communicating your needs openly will help your partner better understand what you expect from them. Feel free to write down these expectations to share them more easily.
• Say when you need space. Setting aside moments for yourself is equally important as spending quality time with your partner. This is particularly important if you mostly spend a lot of time together.
• Hear out your partner. As you expect your partner to respect your needs, it’s essential to listen to theirs as well. Relationship is about creating a safe ground where you can openly discuss the needs of both. 
• Communicate with respect. Respect is necessary on both sides for a relationship to be healthy and harmonious. If you’re wondering how to set boundaries politely, an efficient way to communicate them is to do it with compassion, understanding, and respect for each other’s needs and expectations. 

Remember that setting your limits doesn’t make you self-centered. It’s all about not overlooking your own needs and wants while remaining sensible and present for your partner. 

How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Being Violated?

Being able to tell when your partner crosses the line is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. However, you may be accustomed to your partner’s patterns of behavior, which is one of the reasons that make it difficult to recognize a violation of your boundaries. When someone ignores you and your needs, there are several common signs:

• Codependent behavior. Putting your needs on the back burner while your partner avoids responsibility for their actions is a form of codependency. You may believe that you won’t be valued, liked, or loved, unless you sacrifice your boundaries.
• Having to set the limits over and over again. When you’ve clearly stated your boundaries, yet your partner’s behavior remains the same, it’s an evident sign of violation.
• You’ve expressed discomfort. You’ve explained your limits and your partner keeps ignoring them. Now, you’re voicing how this makes you feel and they still fail to modify their behavior. Expressing your discomfort can include expressions such as:
  • I don’t like that.
  • I’d rather not.
  • I don’t want to.
  • I’m not willing to do that.
  • No, stop!
  • That makes me feel (negative emotion). 
• You feel upset. Besides physical symptoms such as racing heart, upset stomach, or sweaty palms, you also experience racing thoughts, can’t make decisions, or find it difficult to think clearly in a certain situation or when your partner is nearby. 
• Your partner doesn’t acknowledge or listen to you. They interrupt you or change the conversation when you’re discussing or sharing a topic that matters to you. 
• They mock or minimize your requests. At times, humor can be a tactic for manipulation to minimize or invalidate your needs. Phrases such as: “You’re just being too sensitive.” or “You can’t seriously be that upset about this!” are clear examples of diminishing your requests.

If you’re able to notice any of these notions, it’s a sign that your healthy boundaries are being violated. 

Learn To Define Relationship Boundaries With PIVOT

When you feel pressured, scared, or denied your needs and emotions, PIVOT can help you rebuild strength through our highly tailored individual coaching sessions or at one of our Glass House retreats where you can literally feel your growth. 

Feel free to rely on our experienced professionals who can guide step by step through your journey of self exploration to the place from where you begin to find your value and strength again. With us, you can learn to set your own boundaries and feel great about them. Reach out to us today and experience the benefits of our dedicated service!

Emotional boundaries in a relationship are one of the most challenging yet most rewarding skills we can develop as recovering people-pleasers. They give us the ability to recognize the feelings of our partners and loved ones without experiencing them as our own. Imagine your boundaries as a bubble encircling your entire self. This bubble works as a shield that keeps your own emotions in and those of others out. You can still see and feel other people, but you’re not letting them burst your bubble, so to speak, or pollute your personal emotional space.

Without emotional boundaries in marriage and other forms of romantic and personal relationships, we allow the emotions of others to enter our own, persona, and sacred mental space without any form of filter or defense.

When we work on strengthening our emotional bubbles, we start prioritizing our own emotions and regain a sense of stability. Now, let’s not mistake “bubble” for “wall”. As said, the bubble is transparent, allowing us to still see what others are going through, process their feelings, understand and help them. You’re not creating a better space for yourself at the expense of all others around you. Rather, you’re fostering a healthier approach to both your own and their emotions. Like placing oxygen masks on a plane – you first need to put your own mask on before beginning to help others. And that’s why it’s important to explore some tips for setting boundaries. 

What Does It Mean To Lack Emotional Boundaries?

Our emotional boundaries are the fine lines that separate our feelings and thoughts from the rest of the world around us. Without those fine lines, we can find ourselves in a chaotic state, overwhelmed by those around us, leaving us unable to distinguish between our emotions and emotions emanating from others. From this position of this mental confusion, we typically:

• Adopt other people’s thoughts and feelings as our own.
• Do everything we can to alleviate their anxiety, frustration, or anger, even if these actions aren’t aligned with who we are or what we want. 
• React quite negatively and strongly to even the tiniest notion of others’ frustration, disapproval, or disagreement. 
• Experience difficulty keeping our own true emotions when others feel differently. 
• Become angry, scared, or defensive when someone else doesn’t feel the same way we do.

One of the most constructive ways to practice strengthening these limits is to change our reactivity patterns in our existing relationships with friends, partners, and family members. 

What Are Some Examples Of Emotional Boundaries?

If we don’t clearly state the limits we don’t want others to cross, people tend to keep overstepping them since they feel we’re fine with it, even though we’re not? Healthy emotional boundaries can help you guide your relationships in the right direction while also giving you the power and ability to better help your loved ones. Let’s have a look at some good examples of how to set boundaries:

Voicing Your Likes And Dislikes

Emotional boundaries in marriage, as well as personal and professional relationships, are about expression and communication. By clearly stating what you like and don’t like, you’re getting your voice across, establishing your truth, but also helping your partner better understand you, which can lead to improved relationship communication and mutual satisfaction.

Dialogue And Negotiation

Talk with your partner about anything that doesn’t feel right for you, that’s hurting you, or simply making you turn into someone you don’t want to be. Negotiate your way until you accomplish a relationship climate where you don’t have to put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Get rid of misplaced guilt

People tend to project their guilt on us because this way they don’t have to take responsibility for their own actions. Instead of apologizing for actions and mistakes that aren’t even yours, you can try doing the following:

• If you feel overworked, delegate tasks.
• When you feel you need time on your own, ask for space.
• Try to avoid over-committing to plans.
• Drop the feeling of guilt when you’re not at fault.

Mutual respect 

There are times when your partner will overstep your boundaries, even without meaning to. Maybe you hadn’t communicated them clearly, or maybe they’d forgotten. However, if overstepping boundaries in a relationship becomes a pattern rather than a haphazard occurrence, feel free to talk about it with your partner. Talking to each other, discussing personal boundaries, and making decisions together that you’re both comfortable with is a perfect example of healthy emotional boundaries.

What Do You Say To Set Emotional Boundaries?

When you practice setting and maintaining your limits, you’ll be able to notice you’re getting better and better at it. An efficient way to work on this is to start your own list of phrases you can use in different situations. They can be short and clear statements to help you overcome those tough moments:

• I’m not ready to change my mind on this.
• I’d like to take a break and come back to this matter once we’ve both had time to think.
• That’s not going to work for me/us.
• My feelings are as important as yours.
• Do you think that’s appropriate?

Take your time to work out your own list. You may come up with statements that relate to your situation by recalling and analyzing past experiences that made you feel scared or overwhelmed. 

How Can Setting Emotional Boundaries Improve Your Life?

Establishing the limits around yourself is beneficial for both you and the loved ones around you. When you express them clearly, people will understand them, become aware of what you are and aren’t fine with, and adjust their behavior accordingly. Plus, setting clear boundaries can help enhance your life in several important ways:

• Clearly see yourself for who you are, your beliefs, values, and desires.
• Enhance your self-esteem.
• Shift focus to your own well-being.
• Improve both your emotional and mental health.
• Become more independent. 
• Avoid burnout.

Let PIVOT Help You Learn What Personal Boundaries Are Set Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship

Reaching your inner peace is all about the balance and being able to create your own boundaries and feel good about letting the world know about them. You can find all the support and guidance you need through PIVOT’s personalized individual coaching and a place to grow mentally and emotionally at our Glass House retreat. 

Our devoted specialists work closely with you to help you explore your own depths and find your true self. From that place within you, you gain a better perception of yourself and the world around you and start building up your relational and emotional intelligence. Get in touch with us today and embark on your journey!

Keeping personal boundaries is essential for our mental wellbeing. They’re an innate defense mechanism that keeps us out of harm’s way from individuals keen on exploiting our lack of boundaries, attempting to twist our essence into ways that are often manipulative and sometimes extremely abusive.

Not having boundaries can frequently leave us exposed, allowing individuals to take advantage of us. Yet, we manage to come up with apparently valid reasons not to stop others from breaking our boundaries. 

We’re afraid of hurting their feelings or we worry about being indulgent or selfish. However, with no boundaries to shield us from the outer world, we leave ourselves exposed to the harsh winds of society and relationships without so much as a shabby shelter. While lulling ourselves into a false sense of happiness, we’re actually exposing ourselves to a host of worsening problems down the road.

What Does It Mean To Lack Boundaries? 

Healthy boundaries work as limits, letting others know how we want to be treated. We set them to shield ourselves from overload and maintain our values and individuality. However, while it can be difficult to distinguish what healthy boundaries are, it’s not as hard to realize we lack them. When we don’t set the limits, we tend to:

• Struggle with letting others know how we feel due to fear of ridicule and rejection.
• Constantly try to make everyone happy with how we perform at home, in school, at work, etc.
• Feel overwhelmed by how other people perceive us due to the desire to please others.
• Stay in negative relationships because we fear not being able to find someone else to love. 

Identifying whether we have little or no boundaries means listening to ourselves and seeing if we’re feeling manipulated, overwhelmed, or trapped in our relationships. While these feelings alone don’t pinpoint lack of boundaries, they’re indicative of it and can help you start detecting and, later, addressing the issues in your life and relationships.

What Causes Lack Of Boundaries? 

Causes for lack of boundaries typically stem all the way back to our childhood. We’re not born with this kind of protective mechanism since we’re highly dependent on others to survive in the earliest moments of our lives. However, as we grow, we need to learn to adapt and ensure our needs are met. Experiencing any form of trauma throughout this period can lead to boundary issues later in life.

When it feels difficult to prevent others from invading our personal physical and mental space, or you’re not sure what to do if someone ignores your boundaries, it’s normally because we learned, through trauma, to fear shame, guilt, or getting hurt. Fear prevents us from clearly perceiving where to direct our energy and attention, making us become hesitant and overcautious.

The trauma we’ve experienced at some point in our childhood isn’t necessarily a big or isolated event. It can be relational, such as growing up having to normalize being emotionally neglected, listening to our parents constantly arguing, or being pressured to perform well at school. It can be any point, situation or process that made us feel scared, hurt, overwhelmed, or inundated. 

How Do You Know If You Lack Boundaries? 

It’s essential to recognize and identify situations or behavioral patterns that indicate you may need to adjust your boundaries in communication and relations with others, both on a  professional and personal level. Here are some common signs:

• Passive-aggressive behavior. This form of behavior is identified through indirect resistance to varied types of requests in work or social settings. For instance, if you’re pressured to serve on a committee, you may accept yet passively resist by procrastinating, forgetting appointments, or misplacing essential materials. You did not have the courage to set a proper boundary by just saying “no”. The same translates to your behavior towards your partner, where you might accept a proposition only to later find yourself trying to revert your decision.
• Panic. When we believe we have no control over what happens to us, we panic. We feel we have to do what anyone wants us to, which can lead to experiencing sudden and overpowering fright. 
• Codependency. This is a pattern of behaviors, attitudes, and feelings where we seriously neglect our own well-being and health for the aspirations of others. We tend to put the needs of other people first, typically to our own detriment. 
• Resentment. Since we do things under compulsion or reluctantly, we tend to resent them. 
• Difficulty being alone. Sometimes we fear being alone since lack of boundaries prevents us from being able to have a self separated from others. We lack the internal structure to contain the love we feel from and for others. 
• Victim mentality. We perceive ourselves as victims of other people or circumstances and typically don’t take responsibility for ourselves and believe we have no choices. 
• Guilt and over-responsibility. We tend to feel responsible for what we’re not supposed to be, such as other people’s actions, disappointments, or feelings. We feel guilty for not doing what others want us to and not being what others want us to be.
• Isolation. When we experience distorted thinking, lack of freedom, and boundary confusion, we tend to avoid relationships because it gives us a sense of having boundaries. Getting close to someone frightens us and by choosing to be alone we avoid being controlled or invaded.
• Lack of direction and disorganization. When we don’t have a clear definition of who we are, we tend to lack purpose and direction. We’re unable to choose our own likes, dislikes, and goals and feel scattered by what other people say. 
• Procrastination. Putting off tasks can come from the lack of boundaries. We don’t feel like we’re actually choosing. We can’t say “no” and therefore express it by not following through. 

How Do I Regain My Boundaries?

What are boundaries in a relationship? They help you detect acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and keep you safe from toxic and harmful situations. Here are the steps you can take to rebuild them and start feeling good about preventing others from violating them:

Focus On Relationship With Your Own Self

Take your time to create a list of things that are unacceptable for you and that you need and want from a relationship. Look back on your past experiences to help you draw conclusions and don’t rush yourself or put yourself under too much pressure. Go step by step and allow yourself to really feel every single point of your checklist.

Share The Boundaries With Others

Try letting other people know about what you do or do not accept. If your partner, co-worker, or any other individual doesn’t agree with you for any reason, it can be a sign that they aren’t ready to respect other people’s boundaries and aren’t quite a fit for you. By reaching out to people who are capable of clearly communicating and discussing both their and your needs, you’ll be able to start building healthy bonds. 

Steer Clear Of Violators

Violators are people with strong personalities and it’s not easy for them to compromise. However, it’s perfectly fine to disagree with them. While they tend to be forceful and react negatively if challenged, you can take your power back by detaching from this form of behavior by:

• Walking away if they start blaming you. 
• Allowing them their opinion while not changing yours. 
• Telling yourself you’re not responsible for their actions. 
• Embracing your truth rather than adopting theirs. 

While practicing this takes time, being aware of what is and isn’t your responsibility makes the whole process easier.

The Broken Record Method

You can create a clear statement that demonstrates your boundary firmly and clearly and repeat it when the others challenge you. It can be a short and direct sentence such as:

• That’s not going to work for me. 
• I appreciated that you asked, but I’ll need to decline. 
• I can see this conversation isn’t going well, so let’s switch to something else. 

While you may need to repeat your statement several times, it’s important to remain persistent. The aim is to hold your ground and get them to see your truth and understand your boundaries.

Keep Working On It

Starting a healthy relationship with another individual doesn’t mean all your traumas from past experiences are gone. Building any kind of relationship requires that both people involved work hard, learn together, and create mutual trust. 

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We’re here to support you on your journey of growth and self-exploration and guide you through difficult times in your life. Our certified professionals take an attachment-oriented, relational approach to help you develop relational and emotional intelligence and experience the benefits of it. Reach out to us today and enjoy your way towards a healthier life!

Picture yourself building a fence around your home and ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” The answer is obvious. In the real world, fences serve to keep unwanted visitors out, thereby protecting you and your property.

Now, we can easily translate the above metaphor into the realm of relationships. Just as an actual fence serves to safeguard your real estate, boundaries exist to protect your “inner estate” – i.e. your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

However, similar to their physical counterparts, boundaries can either be strong and stable, offering lasting and reliable protection or poorly built, providing virtually no defense against intrusion. This makes it imperative to learn how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, as well as how to recognize unhealthy ones in order to take the necessary steps to overcome them.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are physical, intellectual, and emotional limits we set for our interactions and relationships, with the purpose of protecting our physical health, as well as mental and emotional well-being.

Within a relationship, these boundaries enable us to:

• Maintain our individuality and independence;
• Clearly communicate our needs, ensuring they’re met;
• Know when to say “yes” and when to say “no” (and accept when others do it);
• Draw our sense of self-worth from within, rather than relying on others for validation.

The beauty of establishing healthy boundaries is that they’re an immense contributor to personal growth, as well as the evolution of a relationship. Not only do they allow us to express ourselves without fear of judgment and rejection, they help us learn to honor and respect the needs of our partners.

As it’s evident, healthy boundaries are not about building walls. Rather, they’re all about cultivating a fertile ground, a safe space where everyone involved can grow freely, both as individuals and partners.

What Are Unhealthy Boundaries? 

Unhealthy boundaries typically emerge when the aforementioned limits are poorly defined and/or understood or when they become blurred to the point of non-existence. Needless to say, these boundaries present a detriment to every aspect of a person’s well-being, including:

• The formation of codependent behavior, where one person sacrifices their own values, wants, and needs, becoming fully reliant on others for validation and sense of self-worth;
• Disrespect/disregard of the values, beliefs, and opinions of others, unless they coincide with their own;
• Overcompliance (not saying “no”) or forceful assertion (not accepting when others say “no”), which can lead to a host of abusive or borderline abusive scenarios.

As it stands, unhealthy boundaries are the polar opposite of their healthy counterparts. They don’t allow for personal growth, self-affirmation, independence, and, in the most extreme cases, fulfillment of the most basic human needs.

How Do You Identify Unhealthy Boundaries? 

Spotting poor boundaries, whether yours or your partner’s, requires both a keen eye and profound self-awareness, making this undertaking challenging. To make it easier to understand, here are some opposing examples of boundaries in a relationship:

• Example 1: After an exhausting day at work, Sarah kindly asks their partner Mark for some alone time to unwind, before they invite neighbors over to watch football.
  • Healthy response: Mark turns off the TV, giving Sarah much-needed peace and quiet to recuperate and recharge her batteries;
  • Unhealthy response: Mark immediately invites neighbors over and they crank up the volume on the TV, making it impossible for Sarah to rest.
• Example 2: Jake wants to take their partner Alan for a romantic dinner, yet they both have incredibly busy schedules.
  • Healthy response: Jake talks to Alan about their intentions and they both find the time and date to make the romantic night happen;
  • Unhealthy response: Jake goes ahead without Alan’s knowledge and reserves the spot in a fancy restaurant, then gets angry when Alan says they won’t be able to make it.
• Example 3: Lily and their partner Emily set up a movie night. However, two days before movie night, Lily receives an invitation from an old friend, whom they haven’t seen in ages, asking to meet for some long-overdue catching-up. Lily promptly converses with Emily, asking if it’s OK with postponing the date.
  • Healthy response: Emily would rather Lily spend some time with her, and she acknowledges that he may not see his friend again for a long time. They tell him this, yet still insists that they go to a reunion;
  • Unhealthy response: Emily guilt-trips Lily into staying, knowing full well that the opportunity for a reunion won’t present itself again anytime soon.

From the previous examples, we can easily extrapolate how unhealthy boundaries:

• Foster resentment and discomfort;
• Cause one person to overextend themselves;
• Exercise blatant disregard for the feelings, needs, and wants of others.

How Do You Overcome Poor Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship or transforming bad into good ones is a gradual process. It involves intensive self-reflection and conscious effort to clearly define your needs, desires, and aspirations, followed by asserting them in a respectful and considerate manner.

Fortunately, setting boundaries is also a skill that can be learned and honed! You can go about it DIY-style, by employing self-help techniques such as journaling, or by asking for advice from loved ones outside of the relationship.

However, if you’ve tried other methods and you’re still struggling with setting or maintaining meaningful limitations, consider seeking professional help. Coaching, therapy, or counseling can all guide you through boundary-setting and emotional regulation, more effectively than any other technique.

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Imagine having a nice backyard, where you want to plant several fruit trees. If you go ahead and plant them right next to each other, with very little space in between, a few seedlings will probably thrive, at least in the beginning. However, those few will soon start taking all the nutrients and blocking the sunlight for others, causing them to wither and die.

If you space the seedlings out properly, leaving a little plot and enough room to grow for each one, you can expect them all to start bearing fruit.

The analogy stands for people and their relationships as well. After all, what are boundaries in relationships but little picket fences? They clearly define each planting space, enabling the seeds of individuality, shared aspirations, and mutual trust and understanding to thrive, enriching the relationship and making it more enjoyable, satisfying, and fruitful.

What Are The 5 Boundaries For Healthy Relationships?

The first and most important thing to understand is that boundaries are not walls intended to limit or prevent partner interaction. Quite the opposite. Many people think of the word boundary and automatically think they are rigid and cold. What boundaries are is the building blocks of a healthy relationship, their sole purpose the creation of an environment that fosters individual growth, open communication, and mutual respect. The most important types of boundaries within relationships are:

Intellectual Boundaries

At the core, every relationship is a journey of personal as much as mutual growth. However, while you may journey together and toward the same destination, the individualized perception of the path ahead will inadvertently lead to different, unique experiences for each individual involved.

This is exactly where the power of intellectual boundaries lies: in protecting the sanctity of individualism. They enable each person to not only have their own ideas, aspirations, values, and beliefs with the ability to freely express and assert them.

Of course, encountering an occasional difference of opinion is an inevitable and integral part of every relationship. However, with healthy intellectual boundaries, this divergence actually becomes the means of strengthening your connection, not weakening it.

By nurturing personal growth and individualism in yourself and your partner, you gain an amazing ability to acknowledge and celebrate each other’s uniqueness, creating a fertile ground for a thriving relationship.

Emotional Boundaries

Setting emotional boundaries is a healthy way for both partners to stay in touch and in control of their feelings, independently of one another while also fostering the expression of emotions toward one another. It is essential to understand that “independently”, in this instance, does not mean blocking each other out – quite the contrary.

It means retaining the ability to recognize and empathize with the emotions or moods of others, without being influenced by them. As such, emotional boundaries are integral in creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves, without fear of judgment or rejection.

These boundaries allow for vulnerability, compassion, and honesty without apprehension, laying the groundwork for open and genuine communication, deepening emotional connection, and solidifying the foundation of mutual trust and understanding upon which every relationship rests.

Physical Boundaries

When we talk about physical boundaries, the first and most obvious association regards intimacy. While undoubtedly a major part of it, these boundaries also encompass the principal need for personal space, comfort, and safety.

Physical boundaries are all about being considerate and respectful of each other’s autonomy. This involves understanding the partner’s preferences when it comes to touch and displays of affection, as well as the physical space they may require to feel safe and comfortable.

Acknowledging and honoring physical boundaries creates a sense of agency in relationships, enabling each person to openly and without fear express their comfort levels. This not only fosters respect and harmony on a physical level but also empowers emotional growth and expression, creating a beautiful nurturing circle that allows the partnership to thrive.

Time Boundaries

In the whirlwind of chores and responsibilities that comprise modern life, finding time for things we cherish is critical for maintaining our sense of self together with our mental and physical well-being. In a relationship, time boundaries allow each partner to have that essential personal moment for things like hobbies and social activities that do not pertain to the relationship itself.

Similarly to other boundaries, these ones help nurture individualism and independence. Simultaneously, they enrich the relationship with an injection of fresh, different viewpoints and conversational topics that can help avoid feelings of staleness and being stuck in a rut.

Financial Boundaries

Finally, we cannot fail to mention financial boundaries. These play an integral role in establishing transparency, responsibility, and accountability within a relationship. Considering how money can be (and often is) an instigator of conflict, clear and open communication about financial aspirations, limitations, values, and habits is of utmost importance.

Establishing clear financial boundaries does two essential things for a relationship:

• It enhances partners’ financial compatibility, while reducing financial stress, and;
• Reinforces mutual trust and independence by nurturing healthy financial interdependence.

What Are The 10 Steps To Setting Healthy Boundaries?

Now that we’ve established what boundaries are and what they mean within a relationship, it is time to extrapolate the means of setting them:

1. Practice self-awareness: Identifying and clearly defining your values, needs, and limits is essential for the formation of healthy boundaries.
2. Nurture self-sufficiency: This doesn’t mean walling off your partner. Rather, it means taking responsibility for your needs and finding a mutually acceptable way of fulfilling them.
3. Initiate open communication: Be clear, honest, and specific when talking to your partner about the boundaries you wish to establish.
4. Use “I” statements: This approach allows you to express your thoughts and feelings without sounding accusatory.
5. Learn to say “No”: If something goes against your most basic principles and values, it is perfectly fine to nip it in the bud.
6. Be ready to negotiate: Some boundaries may require a bit of compromise for the sake of the well-being of everyone involved, so be ready to work on reaching common ground.
7. Stay consistent: Once boundaries are in place, be sure to stick to them (i.e. don’t shift them as you see fit) and expect the same from your partner.
8. Respect their boundaries: Show the same respect for the boundaries set by your partner that you expect for your own.
9. Reiterate: In times of crisis, it may seem viable to shift or remove your boundaries. Don’t! Rather, remind yourself why they were set up in the first place since, in most cases, this is counterproductive for yourself and the partnership as a whole.
10. Reassess regularly: As your relationship evolves, you or your partner may find that set boundaries no longer work optimally. This is perfectly normal, so be ready to revisit and fine-tune them so they continue to meet both your needs.

What Are The Signs My Partner Is Ignoring My Boundaries?

While you may exercise your best efforts and intentions to keep healthy boundaries, sometimes other people might not share in your enthusiasm. Sometimes, boundaries are broken and another person may cross the line. In these instances, the key thing is to recognize and address these occurrences. Here are some telltale signs:

• Codependent dynamic: If you’re constantly feeling like you’re giving without receiving anything in return or that your life is on the back burner, it may be a sign that your boundaries aren’t set properly or that the other person is blatantly ignoring them.
• Constant boundary resetting/Dismissive attitude: If your partner constantly belittles or dismisses your boundaries, forcing you to set them over and over again, it is a clear red flag that they’re not respectful of your needs.
• Constant pushing: If someone repeatedly attempts to push you into uncomfortable situations or actions, despite your expressed discomfort, they are clearly stepping over the line.
• Manipulative behavior: If someone is guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or otherwise trying to make you feel uncomfortable for setting your boundaries, it may signify a severe lack of respect for your values, principles, and overall well-being.
• Lack of communication: If your partner avoids or outright refuses to acknowledge or even discuss your boundaries (or crossing them), you can be fairly certain they’re ignoring them.

What Do I Do If My Partner Ignored My Boundaries?

We may conclude that boundaries, once set, aren’t necessarily respected. We can go a step further and say that, sometimes, boundaries can be virtually impossible to establish due to the other person’s inability or unwillingness to accept them.

These situations beg the question of what to do when someone ignores you. Even better, how to set a boundary with someone who ignores you constantly? Here are some strategies you can employ to address the situation:

• Reiterate: In some situations, your partner may not be aware that they’re overstepping. Therefore, the first step is to revisit the topic and to be as clear and concise as possible, without casting blame or being accusatory.
• Reassert: If boundary-busting behavior continues, let your partner know the moment they’ve crossed the line. Make them aware of how their actions made you feel and respectfully reassert your standpoint (i.e. boundary).
• Enforce: If undesirable behavior continues despite your best efforts, you’ll have to exercise what is known as “logical consequences”. However, do note that these aren’t “punishments” (although it may seem so to the other party). Rather, they are obvious repercussions of your boundaries being disrespected.

Finally, if everything else fails, it is highly advisable to seek help. You may do so by asking family or friends for advice or intervention. However, by far the best option is to turn to professionals, as their expertise can be pivotal in turning the bad situation around.

Learn How To Set Different Types Of Boundaries To Enhance Your Relationships

Setting clear boundaries is as much art as it is science, and PIVOT is here to help you bridge the gap between the two and master your boundary-setting skills. We’ll grant you the means of cultivating relationships based on mutual respect, open communication, and healthy emotional interdependence.

Join us in our beautiful and serene Glass House retreat, where a team of compassionate coaches offers personalized guidance on a journey to self-awareness, empowering you with the knowledge necessary to negotiate, set, and maintain healthy boundaries.

Reach out to us today and take the first step towards more fulfilling, harmonious relationships.