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Codependency & Narcissism: What’s The Connection?
Codependents and narcissists seem to be a match made in heaven…or hell. While the codependent is typically passive, submissive, and focused on meeting the needs of others, the narcissist is controlling, selfish, and egotistical. But while codependents and narcissists are typically considered to be opposites, they actually share several psychological traits.
So how do the codependents and narcissists relate to each other? What draws them together, their differences or underlying similarities?
The picture is not so clear-cut, after all. Both exhibit a series of codependent characteristics that tend to cause intimacy issues in their relationships. If you or your partner struggle with codependency, you may find the solutions you seek by attending the Glass House, PIVOT’s five-day retreat for individuals, or speaking to a relationship coach online.
Keep reading to learn more about the differences and similarities between narcissism and codependency.
What Is The Difference Between Codependency And Narcissism?
While codependents tend to be seen as martyr-like, loyal, and sweet, narcissists are egotistical individuals who have a heightened sense of self-importance, believing they are unique or special. Although you may assume that two such people would be polar opposites, they may actually have more in common than you might think. Both narcissists and codependents share the following codependent characteristics:
Individuals with narcissistic or codependent traits have departed from their real, innate self. Instead, they have created and identified themselves with an idealized self that depends on other people for validation. While dependency is often only mentioned in relation to codependency, narcissists are also very other-oriented. They need attention and admiration from others to feel good about themselves, instead of finding that from within.
Narcissistic exaggerated arrogance and self-flattery are often understood as a defense against internalized shame carried since childhood, and in one small study people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder did score higher on shame than healthy controls. Just like codependents, they had to find a way to cope with the anxieties, uncertainties, and insecurities they had to face in childhood.
Both narcissists and codependents have created an idealized self. For codependents, this may be a person who seeks the approval and affection of others and would sacrifice their own needs to get it. Narcissists, on the other hand, seek mastery, recognition, and power over others. Both of them do this to escape the sense of shame, helplessness, and inferiority they harbor deep within.
Another shared trait between codependency and narcissism is denial. Codependents tend to deny their own feelings and needs, as well as their own codependency. They readily put the needs of others before their own whi;e pretending that they themselves don’t need anybody else’s help.
On the other hand, narcissists also deny their own feelings, but more often those that have to do with vulnerability and inadequacy. The only feelings they allow themselves to express are anger, rage, and contempt, which actually defend them from their internalized shame.
Since narcissists and codependents depend on others for self-worth and happiness, they want to be able to control them, indirectly or directly. Such controlling behaviors may include manipulation, lying, and people-pleasing in order to get the affection and validation they crave. Narcissists use a wide arsenal of emotional manipulation tactics in order to get what they want. They may also try to control their environments and feelings in addition to people.
Codependents and narcissists typically struggle with identifying and clearly stating their feelings. In particular, narcissistic individuals are generally critical and demanding, as well as inflexible and dogmatic in their opinions. Both parties might lack genuine respect for the other individual, which tends to cause a series of communication problems in the relationship.
Can A Narcissist Be Codependent?
As we have already illustrated, narcissism and codependency can often overlap. One wants to feel important, while the other wants to feel needed. But the core shared characteristic here is their dependence on others for validation. Narcissists, in particular, need others to feel powerful and admired- they need to get their “narcissistic supply”.
But can codependents be narcissistic? The answer to this question is a bit less clear-cut. In certain cases, the narcissist may use abusive tactics to manipulate their codependent partner into thinking they are, in fact, the narcissist, although that is far from being the truth. To be clear: where abuse is present, it is never the abused partner’s fault, and mutual dysfunction is not the same thing as abuse.
However, codependents may also have narcissistic tendencies that stem from their childhood, which they may display on certain occasions. This may make it quite difficult for them to decide whether they are codependent, narcissistic, or both.
What Is A Codependent Narcissist?
Despite their outwardly displayed arrogance and exaggerated self-importance, narcissists are often said to have a deeply wounded, fragile core. The research is less sure: a review of the evidence found that studies looking for low self-esteem hidden behind the grandiosity get mixed results, and in one study of men diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, self-esteem measured both directly and indirectly matched that of healthy controls. The wounded, fragile picture fits the vulnerable type of narcissism, the one tied to low self-esteem and insecure attachment, better than the grandiose type. They have strayed so far away from their real self that the only self-image they have is based on their ability to manipulate others into being dependent on them. But they, too, are highly dependent on others for their own self-worth. A narcissist with codependent traits has an insatiable need to feel respected, admired, or feared.
What Attachment Style Do Narcissists Have?
Our personalities are shaped partly by our genes and partly by our experience, including our earliest relationships: in a meta-analysis of more than 100,000 people, about 40 percent of the differences in personality traced to genetics and about 60 percent to environment. This is the case with narcissists, too. In fact, researchers describe two main types of narcissism, vulnerable and grandiose, and the attachment style of a narcissistic individual tends to differ between them:
- Grandiose narcissists are typically entitled, arrogant, and pseudo-independent. In one study, most described their adult attachment as secure or dismissive, and dismissive is the avoidant pattern: they avoid intimacy, fear commitment, and act like they need nobody else but themselves.
- Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, mostly reported fearful or preoccupied attachment in that same study, the anxious patterns. They need constant reassurance in their relationships in order to feel good about themselves.
Looking For A Codependency Retreat? Contact PIVOT Today
If you are in a codependent relationship and want to make a positive change in your life, remember that you are not alone. Leaving an addictive relationship is far from easy, and finding proper support is the best course of action you can take.
At PIVOT, we work with knowledgeable coaches to bring insightful relationship assistance for individuals. Our five-day Glass House retreat will give you the tools you need to make the right decisions for your emotional wellbeing. Reach out to us today!
