Trust
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a relationship pattern in which one person focuses on fixing or controlling another person at the expense of their own self-care: “If you are ok, I am ok”. Controlling, nurturing, and maintaining the life of another person who is emotionally dependent on you, or who is struggling with substance use and harmful behaviors, is a relational recipe for disaster.
Codependency: What Is It And What Are The Signs?
The concept originally emerged from a classic pattern seen in the addiction-recovery world: one partner struggling with alcohol addiction and the other enabling them. Today it describes a much wider set of relationships.
Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity and worth.
Understanding Codependency
People with codependent patterns give of themselves to others and compromise their ability to care for self. Although the act of giving more of themselves makes them believe they are “loving more” than the other person, this is not healthy behavior. Love and codependency are far from being the same thing.
Why? Because this can lead to enabling. Enabling is a destabilizing behavior to the codependent person because it brings intense feelings of anxiety and fear that a loved one will not be ok. This becomes a difficult feeling to tolerate.
Codependent people often experience an array of conflicting emotions such as anger, guilt, grief, fear and shame. This is because they feel powerless over not being able to change, control, or help another person, which leads to feeling destabilized.
What Are The Signs Of Codependency?
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one is showing some codependency signs, here’s what you should look out for.
Most Common Signs Of Codependency
- Feel most comfortable when they are giving
- Try to please others instead of themselves
- Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility
- Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem
- Try to be all things to all people all the time
- Unable to say “no”
- Seek out chaos or crisis situations
- Get angry when somebody refuses their help
- A tendency to have their self-esteem connected to “doing”
- Try to prove they are good enough to be loved
- Try to be perfect, and expect others to be perfect
- Have self-blame and put themselves down
- Can express signs of control issues
- Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others
The 6 Main Symptoms Of Codependency
PIVOT’s coaches summarize the pattern in six main symptoms of codependency: low self-esteem, neglecting your own needs, difficulty setting boundaries, enabling behavior, control issues, and difficulty expressing emotions. Codependency also tends to deepen through three stages, from eager over-giving in the early “Caretaker” stage to the exhaustion and resentment of the late “Victim” stage, so the earlier you catch the pattern, the easier it is to change.
Codependency vs. Interdependence: What Is The Difference?
Codependency is often confused with healthy dependence on a partner, known as interdependence. In an interdependent relationship, both people express their needs, wants, and boundaries, and each keeps a sense of self while leaning on the other. A degree of emotional interdependence is natural and healthy. Codependency is different: one person’s sense of being ok comes to depend on managing, fixing, or pleasing the other, and their own needs quietly disappear. It is also closely related to what is sometimes called love addiction, where the relationship itself becomes the main source of identity and soothing. For a deeper look at the difference, read our guide to codependent behavior in romantic relationships.
What Causes Codependency?
As children, we are vulnerable and utterly dependent on our parents and caregivers for food, safety, and boundaries. However, if you have suffered abandonment issues or grew up with an unavailable parent, then it means you may have taken the role of caretaker and/or enabler.
In other words, you have put your parent’s needs first, above your own.
What’s more, dysfunctional families often don’t acknowledge that a problem exists, and as a result, the family members respond by repressing emotions and disregarding their own needs.
When the child becomes an adult, this can lead to repeating the same behavior in their adult relationships.
How Do You Heal From Codependency?
First, a reassuring fact: codependency is not an official mental health diagnosis. It is a learned pattern, which is exactly why it can be unlearned.
Healing from codependency starts with exploring childhood issues and being aware of dysfunctional behavior patterns.
It is about healing deep-rooted feelings of hurt, loss, and anger from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love.
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you.
How To Overcome Codependency In Relationships
While overcoming codependency is no simple task, there are techniques you can use to minimize its effects. Here’s what you can do to heal from codependency:
- Practice independence.
- Take care of yourself.
- Keep your expectations in check.
- Make peace with past mistakes.
- Set healthy boundaries.
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom and say farewell to your relationship problems. And we can help!
FAQ: Codependency
Codependency is a relationship pattern in which one person focuses on fixing or controlling another at the expense of their own self-care: “If you are ok, I am ok.” A core characteristic is excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity and worth.
Feeling most comfortable when giving, people-pleasing, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, being unable to say no, feeling anxiety or guilt when others have a problem, self-esteem tied to “doing”, and trying to prove you are good enough to be loved.
It often traces back to childhood. Children who experienced abandonment or an emotionally unavailable parent may have taken on a caretaker or enabler role, putting the parent’s needs first. In families where problems go unacknowledged, children learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs, and the pattern can repeat in adult relationships.
No. Giving more of themselves can make people with codependent patterns believe they are “loving more”, but love and codependency are far from the same thing; this kind of giving can lead toward enabling, anxiety, and fear rather than genuine connection.
In an interdependent relationship, both people express their needs, wants, and boundaries, and each keeps a sense of self while leaning on the other; a degree of emotional interdependence is natural and healthy. In codependency, one person’s sense of being ok depends on managing, fixing, or pleasing the other.
Practice independence, take care of yourself, keep expectations in check, make peace with past mistakes, and set healthy boundaries. Healing involves exploring childhood issues, becoming aware of dysfunctional patterns, and working through old hurt, ideally with professional support.
PIVOT: Your Key To Breaking Codependency Patterns
Our PIVOT coaches will provide you with support and healing. We help people struggling with codependency by focusing on creating healthy boundaries, building self-esteem, learning how to say “no” without guilt, and cultivating deep self-care.
Our clients include family members and spouses of people struggling with addiction of all kinds. We also get individuals who struggle in the workplace or in the home with codependency, as well as individuals dealing with depression symptoms.
Attend intensive workshops at our retreat: The Glass House, or schedule a one-on-one session with a PIVOT Advocate who will create an individual coaching program designed to repair and restore relational challenges. We’re here to help.
