Lori Jean Glass

15 Reasons & Motives for Relationship Betrayal

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Anyone who’s ever felt a cold touch of betrayal was left with only one question on their lips: “Why?”

However, what most victims don’t realize is – that’s not always the best “Why?” to focus on.” “Why did I deserve this?” “Why did it happen to me?” “Why did I allow it to happen?”

All of these questions, as well as their variations, start from the same premise: that the victim is somehow responsible for the actions of the perpetrator. While this couldn’t be further from the truth, feeling betrayed in a relationship seemingly often leaves a person with no other choice other than to think in that direction. The pain is hard to bare. And, internalizing and personalizing the breakup is often what people do.

However, the operating word here is “seemingly”. If we turn the attention outwards, towards the actions of a perpetrator, rather than inwards, toward the effect said actions had on a victim, the reasons for betrayal in a relationship become crystal clear.

What Causes Betrayal In A Relationship?

For anyone who was ever left feeling betrayed in a relationship, this question was the cause of many a sleepless night. The reason for this is that victims often end up blaming themselves for their partner’s betrayal.

They may even go as far as to think it’s their actions (or lack thereof) or behaviors that are causes of betrayal in a relationship. Before we go any further, it is critical to understand that this way of thinking is just plain wrong.

The responsibility for betrayal lies exclusively with the betrayer, and victims are not to blame for the actions of their partners – unless the partner truly has a part. Years of withholding physical touch, constant criticism, etc. With that established, we may now move on to explain different reasons and motives behind the betrayal.

What Are The Motives For Betrayal?

Betrayal, both as a concept and behavior, is incredibly complex. There are many contributing factors leading up to it, most of which can be difficult to comprehend, especially for individuals on the receiving end.

Given the multifaceted nature of the issue, the causes of betrayal in a relationship are seldom one-sided and rooted deeply in the person’s psyche. Therefore, if we were to view this issue through the lens of psychology, reasons for betrayal may be sorted into several distinct categories:

Unmet needs: If a person feels that their needs (emotional, physical, or sexual) are consistently being unmet within a relationship, they may be inclined to seek fulfillment outside the confines of the established partnership.
Lack of communication: Misunderstandings and unresolved issues resulting from poor communication practices can potentiate betrayal as a way to cope or express dissatisfaction.
Desire for novelty: Craving something different, more stimulating than the current partnership offers, whether it be excitement or new experiences, can be a potential trigger. Unsurprisingly, this is among the most common causes of betrayal in marriage or other long-term relationships characterized by uneventfulness or staleness.
Unresolved issues: Individuals caught in a perpetual internal struggle may view betrayal as a “solution” to their problem or distraction.
Insecurity: Low self-esteem and self-worth often drive a person to seek attention and affirmation from others, and betrayal can be their source of validation outside of the relationship.
Poor impulse control: Acting on immediate desire, without forethought or consideration for the consequences, is among the common betrayal reasons in a relationship.
Lack of empathy: A person who struggles to understand the emotions of others, may exhibit a blatant disregard for their partner’s feelings, going as far as to view betrayal as completely acceptable.
Mental health issues: Some psychological problems, such as depression, anxiety, or substance use disorder, can be more prone to engage in actions that constitute betrayal.
External factors: In some instances, peer pressure, societal influences, and cultural norms may be the underlying cause of betrayal in a relationship.

It’s critical to note that, while the above reasons can help explain betrayal, they do NOT excuse or justify it by any means and under no circumstances.

Why Would Someone Betray You?

Now that we know what causes betrayal from a psychological perspective, it’s time to take a different approach and explore the problem in the context of learned behaviors. Here are several personality traits of individuals prone to betrayal:

They’re entitled: Some individuals consider themselves “above the rest”, thinking that societal norms and rules don’t apply to them. Often, this (mis)leads them to believe that there will be no consequences for their actions. Or, they are entitled to “love” because they come from complex trauma and are entitled to “love.”
They’re irresponsible: People who avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behaviors often resort to lies as a “get out of jail free card”. Whether it’s omission or blatant dishonesty, lies in any form more often than not constitute betrayal in the eyes of a victim.
They’re unscrupulous: For integrity-deprived individuals, betrayal can be a means to an end; a simple tool to be used for personal gain, regardless of the consequences it may leave on a receiving party.
They’re selfish: If we were to oversimplify betrayal, we could say that it is putting one person’s needs above the other’s. Selfish individuals act without consideration for other people’s needs or emotions, prioritizing their own fulfillment at the expense of their partner and relationship as a whole.
They lack commitment: Painful as it may be to admit, betrayers may simply not care for you enough to prioritize mutual well-being. They may even go as far as to consider a relationship a “disposable resource”, to be discarded when a better opportunity arises.
They’re opportunistic: Impulsive and unprincipled individuals may engage in behaviors that increase the likelihood of betrayal simply because the opportunity to experience something new or different presents itself.

Finally, two important things must be noted here. First, the aforementioned traits aren’t mutually exclusive and individuals may exhibit them or their combination to various degrees. Second, human behavior is influenced by a myriad of factors. Just because someone possesses certain personality traits does not guarantee that they will commit to certain behaviors.

Address The Root Causes Of Betrayal In A Relationship With PIVOT’s Help

If you’re feeling betrayed in a relationship, struggling to understand the reasons and motivations behind such actions, it is time to turn to PIVOT. Our dedicated coaching sessions delve deep into the intricacies of human behavior, helping you gain clarity and chart a course toward a future free of the pain of betrayal.

Workshops take place in the safe and serene environment of our Glass House Retreat, perfectly complementing our tailored approach to introspection, self-growth, and empowerment. Get in touch with us today and let our mindful team guide you toward emotional rejuvenation!

Betrayal Trauma in a Relationship: What Is It?

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”

~ Mineko Iwasaki

“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.”

~ Suzanne Collins

Painful as they may be to accept, the above betrayal in a relationship quotes have more than a single element of truth to them.

Betrayal is a blade. When it strikes, it strikes with brutal efficiency. When it cuts, it cuts with merciless precision. And when it wounds, it wounds the very soul, for the victim is unsuspecting.

Betrayal trauma in a relationship is so potent and enduring because it shatters the very essence, the very premise upon which every connection is built: trust. Fortunately, there is a silver lining. What’s been shattered can be rebuilt, and every wound, no matter how deep, can heal.

However, for the restoration process to even begin, the foundation needs to be rebuilt with a deeper understanding of its constituents. So, let us delve deep and familiarize ourselves with the definition of betrayal trauma and the psychological reasons behind it.

What Is Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship?

First introduced in 1991 by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, Betrayal Trauma Theory was developed as a framework to explain cognitive and emotional processes that occur when a person experiences betrayal, most notably in instances of abuse or harm within close relationships.

Since then, numerous studies have explored the impact of betrayal in various contexts, ultimately crystallizing the definition of betrayal trauma into what it is today:

Betrayal trauma refers to emotional and psychological distress that a person experiences after suffering betrayal within a relationship, particularly by someone they trust and/or depend upon.

Let’s put this in simpler terms through a hypothetical scenario: Person A relies upon Person B (e.g., romantic partner, caregiver, etc.) to fulfill their physical or emotional needs. If Person B continuously fails to meet expectations, whether deliberately or unintentionally, this effectively erodes the trust upon which the relationship is built.

However, since Person A is dependent on Person B, they can remain trapped in this cycle of shattered trust, broken promises, and endless disappointment, which typically triggers betrayal trauma, taking a severe toll on their physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

What Triggers Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal is a complex issue for three main reasons. First, it can take many forms, some of which may seem innocent or insignificant at a glance. Second, the perception of this issue varies on an individual level, making it difficult (not impossible) to address the problem.

Third, betrayal in a relationship doesn’t have to be conscious or deliberate. While some instances involve intentional actions, many others may result from misunderstandings, poor communication, or individual struggles.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that unintentional betrayals are excusable or negligible. They can still cause significant harm, triggering or contributing to the formation of a betrayal trauma response.

What Counts As Betrayal In A Relationship?

From a socio-cultural standpoint, there is sort of a widely accepted “consensus” on what betrayal in a relationship is in terms of actions and behaviors. The most common examples include:

Infidelity: For most people, this is the very definition of betrayal in a relationship, as engaging in a romantic/sexual affair with a third party directly violates the exclusivity implied by the nature of a committed partnership.
Deception/dishonesty: Withholding critical information or outright lying about things directly pertaining to the relationship, including thoughts, feelings, or concerns, are all typically considered a gross violation of trust.
Broken promises: In this instance, the “promise” does not necessarily mean a verbal pledge. Instead, it’s about failing to fulfill commitments upon which the premises of the relationship reside.
Emotional neglect: Being dismissive, unsupportive, or outright ignoring a partner’s emotional needs often leaves a person feeling let down.
Disrespect: Whether through words or actions, being continuously inconsiderate of the partner’s thoughts, ideas, dreams, standpoints, worldviews, boundaries, or actions undermines one of the most fundamental principles of a healthy relationship: mutual respect.
Financial betrayal: Making financial decisions without the partner’s knowledge or agreement can constitute betrayal in a relationship, especially if both parties’ livelihood depends on joint finances.

The important thing to note here is that, with the exception of infidelity, the previous examples aren’t exclusive to romantic partnerships. Rather, they are applicable to various instances, including parent/child, friendly/platonic, and even professional relationships.

What Does Betrayal Trauma Look Like?

Like any other type of trauma, this one can manifest itself in a wide variety of ways, many of which can have far-fetched consequences on a person’s mental, emotional, and even physical health. Some common reactions to betrayal in a relationship include:

Emotional Distress:
- Shock and disbelief are common initial reactions, especially if betrayal is sudden and unexpected.
- Intense sadness usually follows after shock and disbelief, with a profound sense of loss and deep emotional pain resembling a grieving process.
Behavioral changes:
- Self-isolation: A person may withdraw from social interactions, closing themselves off from family and friends.
- Irritability: Anger is a common response to betrayal and can lead to bouts of short temper.
Cognitive responses:
- Intrusive thoughts: Betrayal can cause a person to relive the traumatic event over and over, making it challenging to focus on other aspects of life.
- Impaired cognitive functions: Persistent distressing thoughts may lead to difficulty concentrating, focusing, and decision-making.
Altered perceptions:
- Diminished self-esteem: A severe breach of trust can lead a person to start questioning their own value and self-worth.
- Trust issues: Betrayal trauma can cause an overwhelming and persistent lack of trust, even in aspects of life unrelated to relationships.
- Re-victimization potential: In some instances, the victim’s perception of love can be altered to include betrayal as a default operating method, driving the person to not only expect it but continuously seek it out.
Mental health challenges:
- Dissociation: Some individuals may temporarily “disconnect” from their feelings, becoming emotionally numb as a way of coping with overwhelming pain.
- Hypervigilance: A victim may become overly cautious or reactive to potential threats.
- Anxiety/Depression: These are among the most common psychological responses to betrayal trauma.
- Maladaptive coping mechanisms: In the most severe cases, victims may turn to substance abuse or excessive use of distractions to deal with emotional pain.

Who Can Help Me Overcome Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship?

“Love comes to those who still hope after disappointment,

who still believe after betrayal, and who still love after they’ve been hurt.”

~ Unknown Author

There’s an undeniable truth in the previous relationship betrayal quote. Yet, for the betrayed, it may be difficult to grasp that they are still deserving of love and a partnership, at least not without a gentle nudge in the right direction.

PIVOT is here to provide more than a gentle nudge. At our serene Glass House Retreat, compassionate coaches provide personalized support, empowering individuals to embrace the future of healthy relationships and genuine connections. Join us today and let us help you uncover the true motives behind treacherous actions and turn the betrayal trauma of a past relationship into a tool for carving a better future!

Overcoming Betrayal Trauma: How to Do It

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Overcoming betrayal in relationships is a complex and often painful process. Whether it stems from infidelity, deception, or broken promises, broken trust can fundamentally shake any relationship. It’s not just the act itself but the ripple of doubt, hurt, and confusion it creates that makes dealing with this situation so challenging. This experience can occur in any type of connection, be it romantic, familial, or friendship, with each instance leaving negative consequences on our emotional well-being.

Overcoming betrayal trauma is not easy, as the impact goes beyond immediate emotional pain. It can linger, influencing our thoughts, behaviors, and future interactions. The journey through this landscape of mistrust and hurt is not straightforward. It involves grappling with a mix of emotions, questioning our judgment, and reassessing our understanding of trust.

Getting over the consequences caused by such deep breaches of trust is about more than just moving on from the event. It involves a careful and often difficult process of healing betrayal trauma, introspection, and sometimes, forgiveness. This journey is about finding ways to deal with the emotional wounds, rebuild confidence in our ability to trust, and, in some cases, restore the damaged bonds of our connections.

Does The Pain Of Betrayal Ever Go Away?

The pain from a deep disappointment in a relationship is both intense and personal, often feeling like an emotional wound. In the beginning, it’s common to be swept up in a flood of emotions, from anger and sadness to a profound sense of confusion.

However, with time and active effort in processing these emotions, the pain starts to lessen. Once the individual acknowledges their hurt, understands the situation that caused it, and takes steps towards self-care, the pain can start becoming easier to handle.

This journey isn’t a straight line. It’s full of ups and downs, with days of progress and times of setback. Patience with oneself during this process is very important, as is the support from understanding friends, family, or a counselor.

Learning how to cope with betrayal trauma is easier with healthy coping strategies that the individual can practice over time. The process is less difficult if the individual takes everything one day at a time and finds what helps them gradually recover and rebuild.

Over time, the overwhelming emotions will likely begin to subside. This change is an important part of the journey towards a more stable and calm state of mind. It’s a journey of adapting, healing, and eventually finding a new sense of normalcy.

How Do I Stop Obsessing Over Betrayal?

Moving past a profoundly hurtful experience often involves dealing with persistent thoughts about the details and the pain it causes. This rumination is a natural process of the mind trying to make sense of what happened, but it can also lead to being stuck in a cycle of pain. Implementing specific, actionable strategies can help shift the focus from these thoughts to recovery.

1. Structured Reflection Through Journaling

Journaling can be a powerful tool for managing painful and complex thoughts. Setting aside a specific time each day for this activity can help contain reflection to a designated period. This could help the individual understand their emotions better.

2. Engaging In Fulfilling Activities

Engaging in activities that occupy the mind and provide joy or relaxation can be helpful. This could involve new hobbies, such as painting or gardening, or physical activities like yoga or hiking. The aim is to immerse oneself in experiences that divert attention and bring a sense of fulfillment and peace.

3. Mindfulness And Meditation

Mindfulness and meditation practices can be effective in grounding thoughts in the present moment. Simple exercises, especially involving breathing control, can help calm the mind and reduce the tendency to dwell on past events. Incorporating these practices into a daily routine can provide a peaceful escape from intrusive thoughts.

4. Seeking Supportive Company

Spending time with supportive friends or family members can be highly beneficial. Engaging with people who offer upliftment and validation can be incredibly healing. Sharing experiences with empathetic listeners can also provide significant relief.

5. Professional Guidance

When self-managed strategies are insufficient, seeking professional help may be necessary. A therapist or a coach can offer specific guidance on how to overcome betrayal trauma, providing personalized support and coping techniques tailored to individual situations.

Can Betrayal Trauma Be Healed?

Betrayal trauma healing is indeed possible, although it may look different for everyone. The resilience of the human spirit, coupled with the right approach and support, can lead to a meaningful recovery. The journey isn’t always easy and often requires confronting and working through complex and challenging emotions.

However, countless individuals have navigated this path successfully, emerging with a deeper understanding of themselves and their capacity to handle life’s adversities. While the scars of the broken trust might not disappear completely, their impact diminishes over time with proper care and attention.

While learning how to heal betrayal trauma, individuals can gradually regain a sense of equilibrium and perspective. There’s an opportunity to transform this experience from being solely painful to something that can offer insight and personal growth. This transformation doesn’t negate the hurt but adds a layer of strength and wisdom to how one views themselves and their relationships.

In essence, healing betrayal trauma is not just a return to the state you were in before, but an evolution into a more grounded and self-aware individual. This is as much about recovering from the hurt as it is about growing from it.

How To Heal From Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship?

This journey often involves a blend of personal introspection and mutual effort from both partners. It starts with acknowledging the pain and allowing space for both individuals to express their feelings and perspectives.

Professional counseling, such as couple’s therapy, can provide a structured and supportive environment for this process. Here, both partners can work through their emotions, understand the underlying issues, and learn new ways to communicate and reconnect.

Rebuilding trust is a critical component of this process. This involves not only regaining faith in the partner but also in one’s own judgment. Overcoming betrayal in relationships can be easier when the individuals see that the situation was a result of specific actions and choices, not a reflection of the entire relationship or one’s own worth.

As trust is gradually rebuilt, the connection may evolve to be stronger and more transparent. It’s a journey that takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow both individually and as a couple.

How To Overcome Betrayal Trauma With PIVOT

The path to recovering from deep emotional wounds in relationships is a journey you don’t have to undertake alone. PIVOT is here to support you every step of the way, helping you forge a path toward more fulfilling and resilient connections.

At our peaceful Glass House Retreat, our team of compassionate and experienced coaches offers guidance and actionable strategies. We specialize in helping individuals navigate the complexities of emotional recovery, providing tools and insights to not only recognize the impact of these experiences but also to effectively work through them.

In our nurturing and supportive setting, you’ll have the opportunity to engage in a journey of self-discovery and relationship rebuilding. Whether it’s through our comprehensive group programs or tailored individual coaching sessions, our approach is designed to meet your specific needs and circumstances.

Start your journey towards renewed trust in relationships today. Contact PIVOT and take the first step in transforming your experiences into a foundation for stronger, healthier connections in your life.

Healing From Anxious Attachment

Posted on January 10, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Embarking on a journey to overcome the effects of your most common attachment style is akin to navigating the intricacies of your own emotions, a pilgrimage towards self-discovery and emotional liberation. It’s a tender voyage through the recesses of the heart, where the echoes of longing and vulnerability reside.

Healing anxious attachment is an intimate dance with yourself, a courageous endeavor to rewrite the narrative of your own emotional landscapes and forge connections that resonate with security and trust. It requires a lot of work, building up your confidence and learning to set solid boundaries in your relationships. Still, it’s achievable. You’re not bound to it indefinitely.

Can You Ever Heal Anxious Attachment?

Although anxious preoccupied attachment, and other insecure styles are typically developed in childhood, it does not mean they’re unalterable. An efficient way to modify them is through earned secure attachment, which you can develop in adulthood with effective therapy and positive life experiences, such as a sense of confidence and security in your relationship with others.

How to fix anxious attachment style? Self-reflection and personal growth play an essential role in overcoming unhealthy patterns and empower you to maintain fulfilling and healthy relationships while also feeling comfortable being alone.

Can You Heal Anxious Attachment On Your Own?

Each of us experiences a variety of emotions, both positive and negative, every day, particularly in a relationship. Whether your relationship is slightly struggling or healthy and flourishing, they can be emotional rollercoasters. At times, the ride is beautiful, and you feel a constant fluttering of butterflies. However, emotions can also be so overwhelming that you feel like you’re on a thrill ride without any control.

How to self-soothe anxious attachment? Luckily, through some practice, learning how to self-regulate your emotions can be easy. Changing the way you think and practicing mindfulness are some healthy techniques that can help. Self-regulation means understanding the triggers in your relationship and how you tend to respond emotionally.

To know how to soothe your emotions, first, you must know what can stir them. Some triggers that are common for anxious attachment style in relationships include the following behaviors of your partner:

Inconsistent behavior.
Seeming distracted or distant.
Forgetting big events, like anniversaries or birthdays.
Failing to notice a new thing (such as a haircut).
Not responding to a message when you expect them to.
Coming home late.

These can cause you to become too emotional in your attempt to re-establish a connection with the partner, resulting in emotional attempts to get their attention. Examples of managing to self-regulate your feelings include:

Calming down when you’re too stimulated.
Resisting strong emotional responses to upsetting situations.
Not becoming aggressive or too angry when handling a conflict.
Managing the frustration if the partner’s plans change.

Practicing the following techniques can help you improve emotional self-regulation and develop healthy responses.

Anger Management

Rather than confining your anger and then letting it burst at your partner or directing it towards yourself, start by recognizing what you’re starting to feel and communicate it clearly to your partner by saying something like: “I’m hurt. I understand that you most likely didn’t intend that. I’m concerned about our relationship because _ _ _ _ _.”

However, it’s important to be aware that this can be effective with a partner with secure attachment, while an avoidant partner could find it triggering because closeness to another person frightens them. This is why an ideal match for you could be a securely attached partner.

Mindfulness

This powerful technique allows you to take a breath and separate what you feel and how you react to it. Through mindfulness, you become aware of where you are and what you’re doing. In time, it will make you feel calmer instead of becoming aggressive or discontent.

Altering Thought Patterns

Cognitive reframing can help improve your self-regulation abilities by changing the way you think. An effective way to do this is to anticipate your negative emotions and thoughts and write them down. Then, challenge these thoughts by analyzing evidence to the contrary.

For instance, you may think that if you let your partner know how you really feel, they’ll leave you. Now, think back to when you did let them know how you felt. So, did they leave? Once you come to this realization, you’ll be able to create a healthier thought to replace the negative one.

Professional Assistance

Experienced professionals can help you recognize unhealthy methods of self-regulation. Together, you can go through your triggers and come up with healthy ways of handling your emotions and avoid harming your relationship.

How Do You Break The Cycle Of Anxious Attachment?

Working on learning how to heal anxious attachment can improve your interpersonal relationships and your mental health. It can help you have a happy, less stressful life, alongside many other benefits. Taking these simple steps, you can start shifting your attachment towards a more secure style.

Recognize The Signs

The first step towards healing is recognizing the emotions and behavior patterns that indicate you have an anxious attachment style in relationships. Becoming aware of a problem makes it easier to overcome it. Here are some signs of anxious attachment:

Codependency.
Intense discomfort at the thought of being alone.
Low self-esteem.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being abandoned.
Harboring negative emotions such as distrust and jealousy.
Preoccupation with relationships.
Highly sensitive to others’ emotions.

Acknowledging the pain of your experience and replacing it with positive emotions can help you make significant improvements.

Learn From Others

Engaging with others who have secure attachment can help you realize it’s important for both partners to have their needs met. You can learn:

To understand how important it is to have calmness, stability, and emotional closeness in a relationship.
While you cannot change past experiences, you can certainly change the present.
It’s important to voice your emotional wants and needs, even if you fear disappointing your partner.

Build Self-Esteem

Improving your self-esteem will help you worry less about rejection and need less reassurance if you struggle with anxious preoccupied attachment. Being open with needs and emotions and accepting that your partner might not be able to meet them is an important part of building self-esteem. It can also help to:

Focus on positive things about yourself.
Accept your body and mind without feeling the need to change.
Increase knowledge about your attachment.
Accept ability and skills without comparison to others.

PIVOT Is Your Path To Healing Anxious Attachment

Whether you want to gain a deeper understanding of attachment styles or learn how to cope with an insecure style, you can opt for our amazing Glass House retreats or highly personalized individual coaching. Our devoted specialists will approach you with compassion and care to help you navigate through the intricacies of rediscovering your self-worth and building a steady way towards healthy relationships. Get in touch with our experts today!

7 Methods To Overcome Love Addiction

Posted on January 8, 2024December 11, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Falling in love is a powerful and captivating journey that can sweep us off our feet. It encourages us to grow, explore vulnerability, and embrace the beauty of shared intimacy, sparking a profound sense of connection.

For some, romantic love can be so powerful that it fully consumes us, making it hard to work, study, or engage in usual daily activities when we lack it, a state commonly referred to as love addiction. While PIVOT acknowledges this commonplace term, we do not explicitly endorse it. Love isn’t a bad thing we need to steer clear from or learn to live without, yet a wonderful energy that lies in the essence of human existence. It’s the way we’re attached to it that can get us into trouble. This is why we prefer “attachment dysregulation.”

Our hunger for affection can lead us to develop unhealthy survival patterns. By healing love addiction we heal the wounds inside ourselves and learn to cope with it in healthy ways, gradually progressing towards self-love and self-control and opening ways for healthy relationships.

How Do I Stop Being Addicted To Love?

Breaking the cycle can be hard. You fear getting out of a relationship although it’s dysfunctional, yet you’re not receiving the love and support you need, which makes you crave all this even more, getting you further obsessed with your partner. It’s far too easy to find yourself caught in a downward spiral, finding it extremely hard to hit “rewind”. However, it’s not impossible. Here are several methods that can help you regain your self-control and begin healing from love addiction:

Acknowledge

Stop for a moment and observe the patterns of your behavior. Be completely honest about what you notice. Go over your relationships in detail, acknowledge if you have developed relationship dependency, and take steps to:

Accept that the relationship is unhealthy.
Recognize that reestablishing the relationship isn’t going to solve the problem.
Refrain from convincing yourself that it’s going to be “different” the following time.
Accept that the relationship is over.
Quit hoping that an avoidant partner can change.
Release the illusion you created.

Take A Break From New Relationships

Abstaining from a new romantic relationship for a while is a good idea. Focus on healing yourself first. Search for satisfaction within everything that you are instead of trying to find it in someone else. Start realizing that it’s not having a partner that makes you complete. In time, you can find security, power, and meaning within yourself. And this is easier said than done. Many people can’t stay OUT of a romantic relationship and be by themselves because the old wound of being abandoned is too hard to feel when they are alone. So, the cycle of picking relationships that are not healthy due to entering too quickly leaves people feeling very destabilized.

Become Aware Of Your Triggers

Focusing on your obsession with your prior partner will most likely make you feel miserable. Make an effort to rid yourself of any reminders of them. Remove their photos, store away (or give away) gifts, and muting them on social media is helpful. Coming across any of these will only cause more harm. Choosing to focus on positivity will help it expand. Best not to call their family and friends to “prove” your case.

Embrace The Present

Our minds easily wander off into the memories of past experiences or predictions of what could happen in the future. When these thoughts start to creep in, make a conscious effort to ground yourself in the here and now. Focusing on the present moment will help you alleviate anxiety, stress, and depression. It can help to stop what you’re doing and shift your focus to what you’re feeling, hearing, and seeing in the present moment.

Learn

Educating yourself on how to heal love addiction and all the pertinent aspects of it can help you understand the reasons why love has such an effect on you. Speaking to a professional can give you a deeper insight into the intricacies of this process and help you discover healthy coping mechanisms.

Foster Healthy Living & Relationships

Having support from your close family and friends is key. However, the most essential part of recovery is working on your relationship with yourself. Nurture yourself through eating healthy, exercising, doing fun activities, and make sure you’re surrounded by people who love you.

Seek Professional Support

Going through the process of healing from love addiction on your own can be challenging. Professional assistance can help you discover the triggers for your behaviors, identify causes, and teach you how to efficiently cope with unhealthy feelings or thoughts.

How To Get Over Love Addiction?

Learning how to heal from love addiction and facing the various challenges of overcoming it is a stressful process that can trigger a series of chemical reactions in your body, which eventually lead to the stage of craving. Successfully overcoming this feeling does take some time, as well as a lot of effort. However, once you’re there, your body will finally be able to rest, reaching a state of equilibrium. Taking the following actions can help you alleviate this phase:

Engage in positive distractions, such as walking, meditating, gardening, or another healthy activity.
Perform physical activities, for example jogging, biking, or hiking.
Talk to a close family member or friend and tell them how you feel.
Start a journal to release uncomfortable emotions, write about how exactly you feel and encourage yourself.
Write a list of reasons why your addictive person/relationship is bad for you.

Healing love addiction isn’t easy. Yet, it’s worthwhile. Take one step at a time and steadily advance towards your goals through hope, perseverance, and self-discovery. Don’t think beyond today, take each day as it comes, and stay focused and committed to your journey to a healthier self.

Trust PIVOT To Help You Heal Love Addiction And Regain Power

PIVOT’s dedicated and experienced specialists are here to help you with how to heal from love addiction and finding the optimal path to healing and recovery. Our inspiring Glass House retreats and personalized coaching for individuals offer reliable and efficient methods of self-discovery that allow you to find your strength, value, and self-love deep within you.

We’ll work closely with you to guide you through your healing process with great care and compassion and teach you best ways to maintain healthy relationships. We’ll design solutions for your specific situation and goals. Get in touch with us today and embark on your journey of recovery!

Aftermath of Love Withdrawal Explained

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

In the words of the immortal Pat Benatar: “Love is a Battlefield.” Indeed, this beautiful song perfectly encapsulates the thin line between passion and pain in a relationship and our willingness to battle our demons for nothing besides a promise of a brighter future.

Sometimes, however, we may lose the sense of what we’re fighting for or why we’re even fighting. Sometimes, we take the fight to the extreme and lose sight of our objective. In doing so, we turn arms and armor ourselves until nothing’s left, apart from the fight itself. Often to find that we are fighting the wrong fight.

Still, no war lasts forever. Sooner or later, the combat ceases, and the dust begins to settle, leaving us with a simple question. “What now?” This analogy is also the perfect love withdrawal example.

Once the battle is done, we’re left navigating the battlefield of broken emotions and injured self-esteem, wondering how to deal with love withdrawal. The answer lies in understanding the implications and consequences of adopting love addiction as a default operating method.

What Are The Effects Of Love Addiction?

Much like traditional addiction (Substance Use Disorder/SUD), pathological love can manifest in a myriad of psychophysical effects, including (not limited to):

Obsession with the romantic interest;
Intense craving for the emotional high;
Compulsive pleasure-seeking;
Overwhelming fear of rejection/abandonment;
Distortion of self-worth/fragile self-esteem;
Formation of codependency;
Compromised/irrational decision-making.

Do note that this is, by no means, a comprehensive list of symptoms. The effects and examples of love addiction are incredibly diverse and typically vary on a per-person basis, as each individual experiences and expresses emotions differently.

What Are The Disadvantages Of Love Addiction?

Based on the aforementioned factors, we can extrapolate many disadvantages that come with pathological love. Here, we’ll focus on those that can have a profound effect on virtually every aspect of the person’s life. Note that this has nothing to do with pressing blame or shaming individuals struggling with attachment dysregulation. Instead, we’re here to help you understand the negative consequences such behavioral patterns can have on your day-to-day life.

Enmeshment

Derived from diminished self-worth and self-esteem, individuals in a love-addicted relationship often tie their entire system of self-value to the perceived levels of attention and affection they receive from their romantic partners.

Compromised Decision-Making

Due to the compulsive need to maintain the emotional high, love-addicted individuals can often make decisions that could not be called entirely rational. Instead, they tend to prioritize the relationship above everything else, even to the point of jeopardizing their own well-being.

Tumultuous Emotional Landscape

A prime example of love addiction and its hallmark is the experience of being on an emotional rollercoaster. The cycle of euphoric highs, caused by receiving affection from the partner, is typically followed by devastating lows when said affection is lacking.

What Are The Consequences Of Love Addiction?

Being trapped in the cycle of love addiction can have a number of outcomes that can be detrimental to the individual’s overall quality of life. However, some of them can have grave and lasting consequences, thereby warranting further breakdown.

Potential For Codependency

The dependence on external validation, resulting from enmeshment, may cause a person’s own identity to become secondary, which not only further exacerbates the feelings of unworthiness but also stifles the potential for personal development and independence.

Consequences Of Irrationality

This obsession with the partner and relationship can lead to a variety of detriments, such as:

Neglect of personal and professional responsibilities;
Inability to set, maintain, or respect healthy boundaries;
Neglect of other relationships, personal and professional;
Accepting abusive behavior in the name of “love.”

Emotional Volatility

The endless cycle of highs and lows is intensified by the constant need for affirmation and fear of abandonment. This can lead to emotional instability that can affect the individual’s mental health and also strain the relationship, eventually leading to its dissolution.

What Are The Withdrawal Symptoms Of Love Addiction?

To better understand love withdrawal, first, we must understand what this process entails in its original context.

What Is Withdrawal?

In terms of traditional addiction (SUD), withdrawal refers to psychophysical reactions the body experiences after the cessation of substance (ab)use. After prolonged use, the brain and the body adapt to the substance.

Since this way of functioning becomes a new normal, the body starts reacting negatively once the person stops introducing drugs or alcohol into the system, causing withdrawal symptoms to emerge.

However, it must be noted that, while unpleasant, withdrawal is not necessarily a bad thing. The human body has an innate “memory” of the correct way of functioning, as well as the ability to self-detox.

Shortly after the substance is reduced or stopped, it initiates the purge process, attempting to expunge the remnants of the substance from the system. Therefore, withdrawal can be viewed as the organism’s attempt to readjust to functioning without the substance.

How Does Love Addiction Withdrawal Work?

The withdrawal from love addiction is similar to that experienced with substance abuse. The difference is that the substances in question are the so-called “happy chemicals” that naturally occur in the body. As such, the love withdrawal process typically tends to err on the emotional side, with the three most prevalent symptoms being:

Intense feelings of emptiness due to the absence of a partner’s attention and affection can lead to an overwhelming sense of loss and despair.
Anxiety, resulting from the challenges of grasping the newfound solitude, may exacerbate the fear of abandonment. This may cause physical symptoms, such as restlessness, heart palpitations, and difficulty concentrating, among others.
Depression can sometimes develop as a result of love addiction withdrawal, mainly due to the sudden shift from intense emotional connection to solitude, leading to an overwhelming sense of grief and hopelessness.

While the aforementioned are the most common and prominent love withdrawal examples, it can also manifest in a variety of other ways, including:

Sudden/persistent bouts of crying or tearfulness;
Disrupted sleep patterns;
Appetite dysregulation;
Energy depletion and fatigue;
Intense relationship craving/emotional longing;
Separation distress (frustration, tension);
Emotional volatility (mood swings).

How To Stop Love Withdrawal?

As noted above, withdrawal is the body’s attempt to revert back to “factory settings” and adjust to a healthier way of functioning. As such, attempting to stop love withdrawal is not advisable. In addition, this is an innate, natural process that’s seldom within our control. However, it is possible to manage and lessen the intensity of the symptoms over time.

How To Deal With Love Withdrawal?

There are several effective ways that can help you face love addiction withdrawal and come out on top:

Acknowledge and accept that you’re dealing with love addiction without judging or blaming yourself;
Seek support from family and friends, as they can provide much-needed empowerment, as well as fresh perspectives;
Prioritize self-care above everything else. This includes regular exercise, healthy meals, and good sleep while also engaging in activities you love and enjoy.
Create space for emotional healing by setting healthy boundaries between yourself and the object of your affection;
Engage in constructive distractions, whether it be taking up a new (or old) hobby, reading and learning, or spending time with family and friends.

However, by far, the best way to deal with love withdrawal and its unpleasant side-effects is through professional guidance. Coaching, counseling, and psychotherapy can be instrumental in overcoming the challenges involved with this state and freeing yourself from the chains of addiction. The behavioral patterns that are not serving you were set in motion a long time ago.

Turn To PIVOT For Help Managing Love Addiction Withdrawal

Dealing with love withdrawal and its symptoms is much easier with compassionate support and expert guidance. At PIVOT, that’s exactly what we offer. At our Glass House Retreat, you’ll find a variety of workshops, tailored to your individual needs and unique situation.

Led by a team of experienced coaches, our group and one-on-one sessions promote healing, rediscovering your uniqueness and self-worth, and building sound, healthy foundations for future relationships. Reach out to us today and begin your journey on how to stop love withdrawal for a better tomorrow!

9 Love Addiction Causes

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

The ultimate goal every human being strives toward is a concept each and every one of us is intimately familiar with – to love and be loved. It’s a necessity so basic, a desire so deeply ingrained into the very core of our being that we can’t help and give our all to fulfill it.

However, sometimes, this desire turns into an uncontrollable, obsessive craving. When that happens, pursuing love becomes a desperate quest for validation and acceptance at all costs and by any means necessary.

Some even take it a step further, trying to replicate feelings of euphoria and elation by force instead of letting them happen naturally, at their own time and terms. By doing so, they’re effectively turning the skewed idea of love into a potent drug, which leaves them at risk of facing love addiction.

Fortunately, there is a way to avoid this trap, and it begins by understanding what causes love addiction on a deeper level. However, we do have to note that at PIVOT, we prefer to use the term of attachment dysregulation to explain these and similar problems and solely use the term “addiction” in order to explain why it doesn’t work.

What Makes A Person Addicted To Love?

The most important thing to realize is that there’s no single factor that causes love addiction in a relationship. Instead, it is a combination of numerous biopsychosocial contributors. From individual brain chemistry and genetics to earliest life experiences and societal influences, it is the fusion of these constituents that shapes patterns of behavior and emotional responses.

Considering the sheer complexity and life-defining potential of this phenomenon, facing love addiction warrants a deep dive into each of these factors.

Biological & Neurochemical Factors

Starting with the basics, there are some elements of our existence we can’t control or have limited influence over, which can set the stage for the formation of love addiction (pathological love).

Genetics & Family History

It is a little-known fact that addiction can be hereditary to an extent. Still, it is confirmed that individuals with a family history of mental health conditions run a higher risk of developing similar or the same conditions in the future.

While pathological love is not classified as a mental illness under “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5thEdition (DSM-5)”, it does share many similarities with “traditional addiction” or Substance Use Disorder (SUD), making similar criteria applicable in both diagnosis and treatment.

Co-Occurring Mental Health Conditions

The impact of mental health conditions (e.g., depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and SUD) on love addiction can be twofold:

Conditions can develop alongside pathological love, typically worsening the symptoms;
Pre-existing conditions can be among the triggers that cause it to form.

It needs to be noted that the risk of SUD formation is higher in individuals suffering from love addiction. The reason for this is that they’ll often resort to alternative means of satisfying their need for a “love high” if they don’t receive the affection they crave from a romantic relationship.

Neurochemistry

While the feeling of being in love can seem “divine,” “heavenly,” and “out of this world,” the reality is it’s all in our heads. In this case, quite literally. When we’re in love, our bodies release the so-called “feel good” chemicals, among others: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and epinephrine.

These chemicals target the brain’s reward centers, causing an overwhelming sense of pleasure. The more in love we are, the more active this process becomes. However, in the case of addiction, whether love or SUD, it gets taken to the extreme.

Here, the reward centers become flooded with excessive amounts of feel-good chemicals, causing a euphoric high. However, once the instigator of the process becomes absent, the brain is left deprived of its nourishment, which inevitably leads to a devastating crash.

Psychological & Emotional Factors

Moving away from the physical and into the realm of the mental, we have another set of factors that can be considered causes of love addiction.

Childhood Experiences & Attachment Styles

The earliest life experiences define how we form connections with others or, in other words, how we form emotional attachments. Individuals who grow up in a positive environment, where their physical and emotional needs are met, typically develop a secure attachment style, enabling them to form healthy bonds with others.

On the flip side, children who experienced inconsistent love, neglect, or abandonment during their formative years have a tendency to develop insecure attachment styles. Whether it’s anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, each of these attachment styles can present a fertile ground for pathological love formation.

Traumatic Experiences & Coping Mechanisms

In some cases, love addiction may develop as a coping mechanism. Typically, this happens as a result of a traumatic experience, which may include (and isn’t limited to):

Being a victim of abuse, whether emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual;
Witnessing a deeply disturbing event, such as a violent crime or natural disaster;
Being exposed to sensory overload or deprivation, for example, intense family conflicts or emotional neglect;
Dealing with excessive amounts of stress or extreme life challenges.

In these and similar instances, a person may “adopt” love addiction as a way to protect themselves or escape from the harsh reality of life.

Low Self-Esteem

Individuals with a diminished sense of identity and self-worth often turn to external sources for validation and emotional stability. In the case of pathological love, this source is their romantic partner. However, this constant and intense need for reassurance and affirmation typically exacerbates the feelings of insecurity and may even lead to the formation of codependency.

Fear Of Abandonment

Often rooted in past traumatic experiences, fear of abandonment can be the primary cause behind the compulsive need for affection, which is the defining characteristic of love addiction. This fear, whether rational or irrational, may drive the person to cling to their partner desperately, doing everything in their power to avoid abandonment, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being.

Societal & Cultural Factors

Finally, we cannot fail to mention two external factors that shape our perception on a virtually daily basis: society and culture. While the modern world generally views love and romantic relationships in a positive light, it also has the tendency to romanticize them.

In general, this wouldn’t be a problem unless those concepts weren’t driven to the point of extreme. Unfortunately, this is all too common an occurrence that’s becoming more and more prevalent by the day.

Today’s societal and cultural emphasis on love as the pinnacle of happiness can mislead some individuals into believing that their worth is intrinsically tied to their relationship status. However, the pressure to conform to these (unrealistic) norms can be the instigator of compulsive behavior, resulting in what is the cause of love addiction in its most basic form.

What Are The Risk Factors For Love Addiction?

While every person is susceptible to the prospect of facing love addiction, certain groups run a greater risk of succumbing to it. From everything mentioned above, we can easily extrapolate factors that can increase one’s vulnerability to pathological love:

Insecure attachment styles;
Childhood trauma;
Low self-esteem;
Lack of healthy coping mechanisms;
Tendency to seek external validation;
History of dysfunctional relationships;
Depression, anxiety, or personality disorder;
Substance use disorder;
Codependency in a relationship.

It is essential to note that the development of love addiction isn’t predetermined.

There’s a whole myriad of factors that influence how a person responds to these influences, including their own resilience, worldviews, and support systems. Therefore, even if a person exhibits one or more or all of the above traits and behaviors, they’re by no means destined to become addicted to love.

What Is The Root Of Love Addiction?

While causes of love addiction are many and their web intricately intertwined, at the very basis of this phenomenon lies a simple desire for emotional fulfillment. However, unmet emotional needs from the past or present may leave a void, and for someone who doesn’t foster a secure attachment style or healthy coping mechanisms, seemingly the only way to fill it is to seek solace in a romantic relationship.

Turn To PIVOT And Make Facing Love Addiction Easier

At PIVOT, uncovering and addressing the root love addiction causes becomes a transformative and empowering experience. Our team of professionals offers compassionate guidance whether you choose to participate in group workshops or personalized, one-on-one sessions. Reach out to us today, reserve your place at our soothing Glass House Retreat, and begin your journey to lasting emotional wellness.