Articles Archives

First Date Tips – How to Survive (and Enjoy) Your First Date

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

So you’re looking for first date tips. Are you ready to get back into dating? Maybe it’s been a while since you have dated. Or perhaps you haven’t had good experiences.
If so, we recommend you doing our Dating with a Purpose module with an Advocate at PIVOT! As a teaser, here are a few general first date tips to survive and enjoy your first date.

1. Location, location, location

Plan the first date to include a short meet and greet. You do not want to box yourself into an evening with someone that you do not know or trust yet.
It’s important to feel comfortable being YOU on your first date. You are not there to be who you think they need you to be – represent yourself.

2. Remember your date is a date — not your therapist

The goal of a first date is to have a good time, connect and keep the conversation flowing so you can learn about each other.
Save talking about your problems or flaws until you know they are interested in getting to know you more.
This also means that you don’t want to be a completely open book. If you do, then what is there to look forward to for the next date?

3. Don’t talk about yourself the whole time

This follows from the tip above – you may talk because you’re nervous, but make sure you ask questions and get to know your date.
Of course, you want to be open, but don’t monopolize the conversation.

4. Be yourself

The best first dates are the ones where you can be yourself. Relax and let your true authentic self shine through. This will give you confidence, which your date will see.

5. Really listen

Be a better listener and practice actively listening – without interrupting.
There’s nothing worse than someone who’s not paying attention. You’ll feel embarrassed asking a question your date answered five minutes ago.

6. Open body language

Make sure you have open body language – keep your arms relaxed, not folded; smile and make eye contact.

7. Keep an open mind

This tip is key… your perfect match doesn’t mean they will be perfectly compatible. Don’t make assumptions or discount your date if they work in a “boring” profession or have different hobbies than you.
They may surprise you. And you may discover things you have in common that are more important, such as values and goals.

8. Offer to pay

Be prepared and offer to pay – even if they asked you to meet with them. It shows courtesy and consideration. And it feels better for everyone, no matter who ends up paying.

9. Send positive signals if you are interested

One of the most difficult parts of a first date is trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you or not.
If you’re having a good time and you like your date, then send signals – flirt, smile, laugh, look into each other’s eyes, and the message will become clear.
Or, better yet, tell them that you are having a good time.

10. Don’t be wishy-washy

Don’t be a pushover. If your date tells you they want to hang out in a bar, but you don’t drink, then tell them.
This is the same advice for being decisive: If your date asks what you’d like to eat, don’t say “I don’t care, whatever is fine.”

11. Don’t be attached to your phone

Leave your phone in your bag, on silent, and be focused and attentive to what your date is saying.
There is nothing more rude than being glued to your phone… being distracted by every beep, sound and vibration. Or worse, answering a call.

12. Make sure you ask questions – the right ones

First dates are supposed to be a playful and fun way to get to know someone new.
One way to get to know them is to ask questions. This also helps in keeping the conversation flowing.
But you want to avoid questions relating to politics, religion, exes, and their income. Leave that until you know them well.
Topics you may want to ask questions about include:

Work
Family
Hobbies
Pop culture
Favorite music
Sports
Travel
Pets
What do they do in their free time?

13. Don’t get drunk

No matter if you like a drink or two, for the first date, stay in control of what you say and do.

14. Don’t have sex on the first date

Make sure you maintain boundaries on your first date and don’t have sex straight away.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

15. Don’t talk about your ex on the first date

Talking about your ex on a first date can lead to lots of questions, doubts and assumptions. Leave your discussion about your ex for later.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.

16. Be safe and have fun!

In summary, believe in having a positive outcome for your date. Be open. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
If you would like more first date tips and more importantly, advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

5 Dating Signals to Recognize if You Want a Healthy Relationship

Posted on July 10, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Perhaps you’ve been dating for a while, but you’re not sure that you’re really ready for a relationship. After all, you are independent. You are happy on your own. And you don’t need anyone to complete you. But you are starting to think about sharing your future with the person you are dating.
Here’s the good news… creating a successful and healthy relationship doesn’t need to be hard, stressful or tedious. With guidance from an insightful remote relationship coach, you’ll be able to recognize favorable and unfavorable dating signs and start nurturing a lasting and stable relationship with the right person.

How Do You Know If You Are Dating The Right Person?

Only you can tell if the person you’re dating is the right match for you. If you are at peace with your own self, insecurities and all, then finding a partner to create a healthy relationship with shouldn’t be too much of a challenge.
A relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect. If both you and your partner are ready to commit and provide healthy emotional support, you have good chances of maintaining a loving and happy relationship.

Signs You Are Ready For A Healthy Relationship

Here are five dating signals that show you are ready for a healthy relationship:

1) You are your authentic self around your date

In the world of dating, it can be difficult to let your true self shine. It’s natural to have your guard up when you start to get to know new people.
The issue with not being yourself in a relationship is that you may fall into a pattern of trying to please the other person and neglecting yourself. Not to mention, your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
When you feel ready to be your true self in front of your date and, more importantly, treasure your authenticity in all its imperfections, then you know you are ready to have a healthy relationship.
This works both ways. Each person in a healthy relationship needs to be themselves, know who they are and what makes them happy.
If both of you have a healthy sense of self, then you can develop a healthy relationship by bringing your similar qualities as well as your differences to the relationship. This means there won’t be one person dominating over the other.
Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all. It’s only when you are authentic and can show your date who you really are, that you will create a deep connection that will build a foundation for your healthy relationship.

2) You honor your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Why? It means you won’t be a pushover. You’ll stand up for what is important to you, and you can communicate when you are unhappy. If you have not completed the Relational Circle Boundaries with a PIVOT advocate, it is essential that you do so before you begin dating.
If you are unhappy about something your date did, said or didn’t do, then the healthy way to deal with this is to talk about it. If you don’t say anything, then you may feel resentment or anger. Over time this can build up to become a major issue.
In healthy relationships, growth is very important, so you need to be able to have productive discussions, arguments, and disagreements, without feeling isolated or defensive.
A productive discussion is an opportunity to learn from each other and grow as a couple.

3) You don’t want to change them

One signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship is to accept your date for who they are. This means you don’t want to change them in any way.

If you feel like you want to change them, then this could be a sign that you are not ready for a healthy relationship or that you want to control someone. If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what you want in a partner based on the PIVOT module, Dating with a Purpose.
Instead of focusing on flaws in your date, focus on their positive attributes. Look for the positive qualities you admire.
If you feel good with your date, you are patient and real with them, and you treat them the same in public as you do at home, then you’re on the path to growing a healthy relationship.

4) You fit into each other’s life

A good sign that you are ready for a healthy relationship is when you see that person fitting into other parts of your life – not just in the relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself to know if you both fit into each other’s life:

Do we get along with other people in our lives?
Do we get along with their friends and family?
Do we have mutual interests that we enjoy doing together?
Do we invite each other to attend work and social events?
Do we feel supported and encouraged to pursue our own goals?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then you may be ready for a relationship.

5) You are willing to grow your intimacy

Physical and emotional chemistry is important for relationships. However, if you are ready to grow the chemistry into something deeper, then this is another signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship.
Many of us, single or in a relationship, run from the risks of true intimacy. It takes courage to want to really connect with someone on a deep level.
Intimacy is created when you are with someone that shares your values; when you are both authentic and not afraid to be vulnerable; when there is mutual respect and when you don’t rely on the other person to “complete you.”
If you have recognized the five signals above, then it shows you are ready to commit and cultivate a healthy relationship that feeds and nurtures you both – a relationship of love.

How Do You Know Someone Is Not Right For You?

Unfortunately, your partner may not be as ready for a healthy relationship as you are. They may still be struggling with relational wounds from their past and may not be ready to commit just yet. Here are some telltale signs that your partner is not the right person for you:

You don’t feel like your unique self next to them
You share no common interests
You haven’t met their family even though you’ve been dating for a while
They keep talking about their previous relationships
You don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable around them
They don’t listen to you when you talk about your interests

These are just some of the signs that may indicate that your partner is not ready for love and a long-term healthy relationship. You both must be able and willing to commit to one another in order for the relationship to work.
Remember, it’s easy to become attracted to people who can “almost” commit. People who treat you really well and then they control or ignore you. Those types of relationships are typically high energy and addictive.

Looking for a relationship coach online? Contact PIVOT!

If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We offer valuable insights via relationship coaching sessions for individuals and couples and our intensive relationship-building skills retreats. Contact us today and find happiness and love in your relationships!

10 Essential Dating Tips To Create Healthy Relationships

Posted on June 23, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Dating plays a vital role in creating long-term relationships. After all, dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Before you start dating, consider if you are ready for a relationship. Just because you want a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re ready for one.
Ask yourself: “Am I ready for a relationship?”
Make sure you know what you’re looking for in a potential partner and that you’ve resolved or healed from past relationships.
So, if you’re ready to start dating effectively, we suggest you work with a PIVOT advocate to complete our dating module called Dating with a Purpose! As a starting point as you consider finding the right person for a healthy relationship, the following dating tips will help you get started.

10 essential dating tips to create healthy relationships

1) Choose the right place to meet

To be able to communicate easily and hear all the details of the conversation you want to meet in a quiet, neutral location that is close to both of you.
Ideally, the place you choose should be away from noisy bars and distractions… and away from your work and home.

2) Stay focused on the other person and put away your phone

Stay focused and be attentive to what your date is saying. Make sure to avoid distractions during your date.
There is nothing ruder than being glued to your phone screen during the date… being distracted by every beep, sound, and vibration. Or worse still, answering a call during the date.
Unless there is an emergency (i.e.: you need to refer to your dating tips), put away your phone and listen to your date with focus.

3) Keep the conversation balanced

Don’t monopolize the conversation by rambling about yourself. You may think you’re impressing your date but talking too much makes the other person lose interest because they feel you’re too self-involved.
Talking is about having active participation in the conversation. It’s a two-way street. Be curious, be interested and ask follow-up questions to their stories.

4) Stay in the present and be yourself

Avoid talking about the past or an ex. Instead, concentrate on finding interests you both have in common.
And don’t try to be someone you’re not. Everyone has their own strengths, uniqueness, and talents. Share yours with your date.
Spend the date finding out about each other. After you complete the Dating with a Purpose (part of the PIVOT process), you will be aware of your non-negotiables and will want to begin to ask questions to determine if there are any HUGE red flags.

5) Have a positive attitude

People are naturally attracted to happy and positive people. So, leave your worries at home when you go out on your date.
Give yourself a break and aim to feel upbeat and positive. The more positive you feel, the more attractive you will be.

6) Flirt with your date… if you are interested

Flirting is a great way to signal that you are interested in your date.
You can do simple things, such as, make eye contact, smile, be curious and ask them questions.
This will help to attract attention from your date and show them that you are interested in them.

7) Don’t have sex on the first date

Showing attraction by flirting with your date is one thing. But make sure you maintain boundaries. Don’t have sex straight away.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

8) Learn to recognize the signs of unequal attraction

90% of all communication is non-verbal, so watch the body language of your date to see if they are attracted to you. If you sense your attraction to them is not equal, then don’t force it.
If this person isn’t right for you, then save your time and energy for someone who is.
On the other hand, if you’re less interested, then don’t lead them on. Let them know politely and move on.

9) Take your time to move from dating to a relationship

Go on several dates and give yourself time to discover how you feel about your date. And how they feel about you.
Don’t rush into a relationship. Spend as much time dating and savoring it. Make sure you agree on the things that are important to you both before you start the relationship.
This will help reduce potential tension or disagreements later.

10) Follow up after the date

If you’re interested in seeing your date again, then don’t play games. Call them, text them or return their call.
Don’t make the other person guess what you want. Be honest and communicate openly. There is nothing worse than unreturned phone calls.
In summary, approach your date with respect, interest, and understanding. Be open. It’s OK to be vulnerable while not disclosing too much too soon. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
These are the essential keys to creating a healthy relationship. We hope that these essential dating tips have given you some insights about healthy dating.
If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help!

How To Leave An Addictive Relationship – You're My Obsession

Posted on May 30, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

The words “I’m addicted to you” are a warning sign that there is something dark in your relationship. Although this may sound romantic, it might be an indication that you are in an addictive relationship.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then you may not recognize what a healthy relationship should look like and feel like. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t find happiness in your relationships. By attending a love addiction intensive retreat and learning more about your childhood wounds, you can transform your relationships and create healthy and meaningful bonds in your life.

Why Do People Choose Toxic Relationships?

Very often, issues in your adult relationships relate to your childhood because you’re drawn to what’s familiar, not what is good for you.
If you haven’t taken time to heal your childhood wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to addictive relationships. Especially, if you have experienced any of the following:

Alcoholic parent(s)
Losing a sibling or parent at a young age
Finding out that you are adopted
Some kind of abuse
Emotionally unavailable parent(s)
Some sort of neglect
Fear of being abandoned
Not receiving validation from your parent(s)

Unhealthy childhood relationship patterns that are unresolved often lead to unbalanced, unfulfilled and addictive relationships. And addictive relationships become a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to heal the childhood abandonment wound.

Is Love Addiction A Real Thing?

Love addiction, otherwise known as pathological love, is very real and affects a great number of individuals worldwide. It involves a pervasive and obsessive interest in one or several romantic partners.
Love addicts renounce control as well as other behaviors and interests to be with their chosen partner at all costs. They are prone to novelty seeking and impulsivity which tend to stem from childhood attachment wounds.
At PIVOT, we call love addiction attachment dysregulation because many find this term shaming. Love itself isn’t addictive however many individuals who grew up craving love, are addicted to the craving of something they have not experiences. Therefore when they feel a honeymoon connection with someone, they mistake it for love and become hooked and crave more and more.

Can You Be Addicted to Someone You Love?

Some individuals have a tendency to become addicted to “love”. But what does this actually mean? Where do you draw the line between what people call love addiction and simply being in love with another person?
Well, for most attachment challenged individuals, their relationship becomes the center of their universe, taking over their entire being. And when an anxious person who is called a love addict ends up with an avoidant or ambivalent partner, these behaviors can become even more pervasive, drawing the love addict into a toxic, vicious relational circle.

What Is An Addictive Relationship?

Just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or other substances, being in an addictive relationship is unhealthy, toxic and powerful. And it brings you pain usually with a love/hate dynamic.
Addictive relationships are colored with conflicts, emotional abuse, and even physical violence.
Although you may be aware of how dysfunctional the relationship is, you stay in it. This is the definition of an addictive relationship. Now if you’ve dated one horrible person, this doesn’t mean you’re addicted to bad relationships. However, if you’re noticing a pattern, then there may be a problem.

Why Is A Toxic Relationship Addictive?

Unfortunately, many love addicts are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. This tends to happen because the love addict’s parents or caregivers were unavailable or abusive.
Simply put, the love addict is subconsciously attracted to what is familiar to them, recreating the toxic cycle they experienced in their childhood. They are used to being abandoned and they end up begging for affection and love. Therefore they seek to find the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

Can An Addictive Relationship Become Healthy?

An addictive relationship can’t be saved unless you recognize and heal your relational wounds. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you will first need to identify your own feelings and be honest with yourself and your partner about both the negative and positive aspects of the relationship.
In many cases, leaving the addictive relationship is the best course of action. If you feel isolated and lonely, know that you’re not alone. Unhealthy relationship patterns are more common than you may think and relationship addiction recovery is entirely possible.
The good news is that you don’t have to be in an addictive relationship for life. You are not “broken.” Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships.
It is time to shift. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever. You can have relational freedom.

How Do I Get Out Of An Addictive Relationship?

The only way to get out of an addictive relationship is to change what you are willing to put up with and to make lasting changes. Here’s what you should do:

Step 1

Start by recognizing the addiction. Be present and accept what you are feeling, thinking and what you want.
This is the hardest step for most people. It is especially difficult to be present when your present moment is hostile, hurtful, scary and invalidating. Many people stay locked in an addictive relationship by pretending that this present negative moment isn’t happening.
If you’ve ever said to yourself:

“Oh, he/she didn’t mean it”,
“He’s/She’s not always so mean”,
“He/She can’t help it”,
“If I just do this, then he’ll/she’ll be nice again.”

Then you are pretending and you are not in the present moment.

Step 2

Stop judging your feelings, thoughts, and wants. Be aware of them and accept them. Once you accept your feelings, thoughts, and desires, then you can decide what to do about them.

Step 3

Remember you are worthy of love. And the most powerful love comes from within you. Don’t depend on your partner for love. Instead, increase your love for yourself. Love your uniqueness, your views, your personality, and your gifts.

Step 4

Identify ways you would like to express the best in yourself and take actions that reflect your best self. You deserve to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated any less than your best self deserves.

Step 5

Be willing to change. Real change starts with healing and repairing yourself. This step includes dealing with feelings, grieving and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. This is best done with the help of a professional who specializes in addictive relationships.

Step 6

Make these changes, work on self-love and healing yourself without trying to change or judge anyone else. This process is about your recovery. You can’t change anyone else except yourself.

Step 7

Once you have started to heal yourself, then you can make choices. You can choose to give up the unhealthy relationship. You can decide that being whole, unique and your true self is worth it. You can determine whether your relationship is working well or if you are just addicted. You have choices.

Find Freedom At Our Love Addiction Intensive Workshop

The best way to achieve relational freedom is to seek assistance from experienced professionals and talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you. Attending a love addiction retreat will help you to better understand yourself and learn to nurture relationships based on emotional support and mutual respect.

Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom. If you wish to learn how to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT.
We’re here to help you by providing insightful individual relationship coaching as well as in-depth intensive workshops for overcoming relationship challenges. Contact us today and start your journey towards relational freedom!

5 Signs You're In An Addictive Relationship

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever felt like you’re in a never-ending cycle for your partner’s love and affection? Like you need them in your life otherwise you wouldn’t survive.
This may be a sign you’re in an addictive relationship. But the truth is… you may not even be aware it is an addictive relationship.
While all romantic relationships may exhibit occasional signs of addiction, the difference with an addictive relationship is a constant pattern of one or more of the signs, leading to increased negative consequences.
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one is in an addictive relationship, here are the five major signs to look for:

1 – Manipulation and Control

An addictive relationship is based on manipulation and trying to control the other person.
You may not always see the sign, but you may feel stifled and uncomfortably restricted.
You may feel like you aren’t independent within your relationship, even though you are independent in other areas of your life. For example, you:

Feel like you need to participate in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values to please your partner
Give up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please your partner
Miss out on important family, career, or social experiences to spend more time with your partner

2 – Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy

Addictive relationships happen fast and hard because they are typically based on instant sexual attraction. This leads to mistaking new romantic excitement and intense sexual experiences for real love.
You want to be close to others… emotionally and physically, but the intensity in an addictive relationship is often confused for real intimacy. This occurs if you:

Find it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship after the excitement has worn off
Choose partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
Use seduction, and manipulation to hold on to a partner
Use sex to cope with difficult experiences within the relationship

3 – Feeling a Sense of Worthlessness without a Relationship

If you feel alone and empty without a relationship, then you feel the need to jump into relationships too fast and hard.
Being in an addictive relationship occurs when you need to heal a hurt from childhood and /or adolescence. If you didn’t feel loved, secure or worthy as a child, then one way to try to fix this as an adult is to constantly seek relationships.
The problem is the fix doesn’t last. It can’t.
Here are the signs that you seek relationships to fix childhood hurts:

Constantly crave and search for a romantic relationship
When you’re in a relationship, you are desperate to please and fearful of the other abandoning you
When you’re not in a relationship, you feel alone and may use sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness

4 – Co-Dependency

Addictive relationships are like any other addiction. As tolerance increases, more is needed to feel the same “fix.”
This leads to an increased fear of losing the relationship and translates into a dependency on the other person as the “fix.”
Co-dependency may be reflected by:

Preoccupation and obsession in keeping the relationship
Constantly seeking approval
Fantasized attachment to each other
Being needy, worshipping and striving to please

5 – Denial and Avoidance

A sign that you’re in an addictive relationship is how your partner reacts to a confrontation about their behavior. Typically, they may seem remorseful at first, but they never change.
When it feels like a chore each time you bring up issues that need a robust discussion, then this is a warning signal.
Instead of learning and growing from discussions and feedback, your partner prefers that you deal with the results of their addictive behavior.
Most addictive partners deny or downplay their behavior instead of admitting where they went wrong and trying to change. Worse still, they may turn it on you.

What to do if you’re in an addictive relationship?

The reason you’re in an addictive relationship may be because you have attachment disorder as a result of issues from your past.
The good news is you’re not stuck with this forever. Just because you’re in an addictive relationship now doesn’t mean you can’t heal and create a secure attachment. Recovery starts with being aware and recognizing the addiction. It is about healing yourself and being committed to healing.
The process includes dealing with feelings, grieving and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love.
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you. Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

Why Addictive Relationships are the 51st Shade of Grey

Posted on May 6, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Fifty Shades of Grey made an impact on society, and although you may not have read the book nor plan on seeing the movie you may know the basic premise… it’s about a young college girl who falls for a billionaire who is into bondage and domination.
Dig a bit deeper and you’ll see that there’s more.
The title Fifty Shades of Grey relates to Christian Grey’s many aspects of his personality. He can go from gentleman one minute to S&M manic the next.
But the title is a play on words…
The phrase “shades of gray” refers to an unclear situation. Things are not black, or white. They are in a gray area.
Just like Ana and Christian’s relationship… it exists in a gray area. It’s not defined by our society’s rules. It is not a typical relationship.
It is a good example of the confusion that comes from being in a gray area in relation to sex, relationships, and obsession.
And like addictive relationships, it involves confusion, drama, and feelings of longing.

Addictive relationships

Addictive relationships happen fast and hard because it’s typically based on instant sexual attraction – just like 50 shades.
But the truth is… addictive relationships are not real. They are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was… not what they are.
And just like 50 shades, addictive relationships involve obsession, control and the need to stay in it despite negative consequences.
The core of addictive relationships is to fill a void, to heal past trauma and get unmet needs fulfilled.

Why are some people drawn to begin addictive relationships?

As a child, if you have experienced a lack of nurturing and attention from your parents then you’re more likely to search for healing from an addictive relationship.
Whether it was accidental or intentional, the love you received from your parents shaped the type of adult relationships you would be attracted to.
For example, if the love your parents gave you was inadequate, negligent, abusive or broken through a divorce, addiction, death or illness, then this leads to unmet emotional needs.
So, an adult you search for the transforming fix for anxiety, despair, rage or fear of abandonment within your relationships to get validation that you are loveable and a worthy human.
The motivation is positive… to heal yourself.
But this will fail if you pick someone who is unable to give you the genuine love, caring and emotional support you need.
Unfortunately, you’re wired to be drawn to what’s familiar (someone like your parent), regardless of how good it is for you. This happens because it is what you know and because you are trying to fill the hole of the abandonment wound.
The first step to healing is to heal your wounds yourself. The feelings of self-worth come from within. Not from other people or relationships.

What to do if you’re in an addictive relationship?

If you’re in an addictive relationship it feels isolating and lonely. But, the good news is, you’re not alone. It is more common than people think.
Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever.
Instead, be open to change and find the right help to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help. We’re here to help.

Discover If You Are In An Addictive Relationship

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Addictions, whether it’s drugs, alcohol or people, is a fix for negative feelings. But the fix doesn’t last. That’s why addictive relationships lead to abuse, drug use, depression, and other negative consequences.
Addictive relationships can be hard to define, and hard to tell if you are in one. Most people mistake the intense feelings they feel in this type of relationship as caring or concern.
For example, it can seem sweet or even flattering to have your partner be insanely jealous… it might show that they really care. However, a healthy relationship involves respect and trust, and not excessive jealousy and controlling behavior.
It is difficult to define these relationships; however, the basis of an addictive relationship involves having power and control over the other person.

Indications that your relationship is addictive

Addictive relationships always start magically. The attraction is instant, and it feels like you are finally understood.
Healthy relationships transition from the initial euphoria to getting to know and love the person as an individual, with all their quirks, gifts and their faults. However, addictive relationships are founded on rigid expectations of each other.
This triggers anxiety as you can’t live up to these rigid versions of each other, which then sets off the cycle of depression and euphoria… in search for the early magic. Tolerating anything for that initial “fix” again.

Lack of trust

There is a lack of trust in addictive relationships. Often anxiety is colored by jealousy and paranoid fears. This leads to constant demands for reassurance to prove that you still love each other… unlimited texts, phone calls and messages when you are not together.

Loss of control

The constant demands for reassurance lead to threats of ending the relationship. This leads to focused efforts to repair, apologize and a willingness to tolerate anything to reconnect again… at the cost of your emotional freedom.

Loss of other relationships

The obsession and dramatic cycles of addictive relationships risk your relationships with family and friends. Either family and friends feel neglected as you isolate yourself from the world and stop spending time together to “work on the relationship.” Or they are witness to the abuse and offer advice, guidance and support, but feel ignored when the cycle starts again. Either way, they can’t watch or feel personally used.

Loss of function

During the obsession cycle of the addictive relationship, if you don’t have “the fix” of the other person, then this leads to a loss of function. Like the symptoms you get when you break up… such as sweating, cramps, anxiety, nausea, sleeplessness and eating difficulties.

Loss of self

One of the most significant consequences of addictive relationships is losing yourself. Being in this type of relationship leads to having a diminished view of yourself, as compared to an idealized version of the other person. This results in higher levels of dependency.

What to do if you believe that your relationship is addictive

The first step starts with recognizing the addiction and being willing to change. This is best done with the help of a professional who specializes in addictive relationships.
Recovery starts with recovering and repairing yourself.
The good news… it doesn’t mean you will always be in an addictive relationship for life. If you are committed to change, then you’re not going to be stuck in a cycle of addictive relationships forever.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.