Modern Dating… How to Find Fulfilling Relationships

The world of dating has changed so much. Now we have online dating, dating apps, and speed dating; it can be challenging to sift through the modern dating ways to find a fulfilling relationship.
Dating, whether it’s done with modern methods or the old-fashioned approach, is still a great way to get to know someone to see if you’re a good fit together.

What Are The Rules Of Dating?

Read our list of how to negotiate the modern dating methods to find your fulfilling relationship. Here’s how to navigate modern dating etiquette with ease:

1. Spend time healing from past relationships

Make sure you’ve healed from past relationships or unresolved childhood trauma. Before you focus on dating, make sure you have dealt with your emotional issues… otherwise, you bring these issues into the relationship.
Nothing is more damaging than trying to build a relationship when you are feeling broken. Take time out before you jump into dating again, invest in yourself, nurture yourself and grow.

2. Don’t rely on dating profiles

Dating profiles are helpful, but remember, they don’t represent everything about the person.
Dating profiles include the information you choose to reveal about yourself and vice versa. In some cases, the profiles are too generic to differentiate you from someone else.
Use dating profiles to filter the people you want to see, rather than rely on them to “get to know the person.”
After all, you need to meet and talk to the person to see if there can be a potential connection.

3. Be authentic

In the world of modern dating, it can be difficult to be you. It’s natural to have your guard up. However, if you are not yourself, then you will not progress your relationship as your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
The first step to growing a fulfilling relationship is to be your true self and accept your authenticity in all its imperfections. This means you will know who you are and what makes you happy.
Of course, this goes both ways. Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all, so that you can build a foundation for your relationship.

4. Don’t wait to make contact after the date(s)

The old rules of the man making the first move or waiting for a set number of days after the date to call you has changed.
In these modern dating times, there are no rules for when or who should make contact after the date.
If you want to say you had a great time, or invite your date out again, then do so. Don’t hold back or play games.
With the various communication modes available, there is no excuse not to make contact. Don’t let them think you are not interested.
Communication is an important pillar of a relationship so you should communicate openly and honestly right from the beginning.

5. Be prepared for your date to be dating (many) others

Now with a vast range of online dating and dating apps, it means that your date is probably dating more than one person at a time. If this is uncomfortable for you, then it’s time to get mentally prepared.
With technology changing the modern dating scene, it has opened the possibility of “connecting”, “liking” and “dating” many people at once.
It can be challenging, especially if you are used to dating only one person at a time. However, many people use this dating method to filter through people and then choose who they want to be exclusive with.
The best way to deal with this is to be prepared… emotionally and mentally. And never feel pressured to “stand out” from others. Remember, you are unique and special.
If you are dating someone that you want to get to know better, then let them know you want to be exclusive.

6. Take things slow

Although it’s widely accepted in these modern dating times that people sleep together on the first date, it’s worth waiting to get to know someone first. Especially if either of you are dating several people at once.
Taking things slower helps to build a real connection first instead of just having a physical connection.

7. Ghosting… don’t do it

No matter whether it is the old dating or modern methods, people are still challenged by confrontation.
This means ghosting (when someone seemingly disappears into thin air without communicating… no texts, no calls, no messages) has become more prevalent.
If you are dating someone and you know it is unlikely to go further, then it is always best to be upfront, honest and tell them you are not interested.
Even though this is a difficult thing to say, at least you are respecting them enough to end the relationship, rather than leave them wondering.
On the other hand, if someone you have been seeing suddenly stops communicating with you, then respect yourself and move on. Set your boundaries and don’t hang on waiting for them.

8. Choose the right person

The key to having a fulfilling relationship comes down to who you select to be your partner.
Selecting the right person can be less challenging if you have a criterion for what you are looking for in a partner.
Think about what is important to you and what you can’t compromise on. This may include:

  • Considerate
  • Kind
  • Loving
  • Respectful
  • Attractive
  • Fun
  • Genuine
  • Communicate easily

Don’t place all the emphasis on attraction, because if you don’t trust, accept, or respect them, then the relationship will struggle.

Dating Rules And The Modern Dating Scene

In summary, although dating has changed, the critical thing is to be open, be yourself and be ready for a relationship.
We recommend trying these methods in your modern dating approach to see what difference it makes in building a fulfilling relationship.

How PIVOT Can Help

If you would like more advice on healthy dating, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help. As your dating coach, our PIVOT Advocate will help you reveal and break unconscious patterns you fall into that keep you from having a happy and healthy relationship.
Apart from one-on-one sessions with a PIVOT Advocate, we offer 5-day intensives at our private retreat The Glass House, where our PIVOT coaches will determine your attachment style, pinpointing your unhealthy relationship patterns and choices and instigating behavior change. Contact us to learn more about the PIVOT process.

The Old-Fashioned Dating Methods Can Work Today

Modern forms of dating, online dating, dating apps, group meet-ups, and speed dating, have become for many, the preferred way of dating over old-fashioned dating.
Getting to know someone takes time…that we can all agree.
The old-fashioned dating approach to dating does still work. It’s not about going back to the traditional dating rules… face-to-face meetings, girls didn’t call boys, the guy always pays.
The rules have changed – it’s become complicated.
The old-fashioned dating methods are based on showing respect and appreciation for the other person while taking time to get to really get to know each other.
Dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Read our list of the best old-fashioned dating methods that still work today and see how you can use them in your dating approach.

1) Spend quality time together with no technology

Put away your smartphone, close your laptop and simply enjoy the quality time together, face to face, the old-fashioned way.

2) Be fully present

Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your fully focused attention. Instead of immediately talking about yourself, start with a question that is focused on them. When you are with your date, give them your full attention. Be present.

3) Express your sincere appreciation

If you appreciate something that your date does, make sure you tell them. Don’t make the mistake of appreciating or valuing someone too lightly. It will be too late once the date is finished. And, if you forget, send them a short text.

4) Focus on inner beauty

The essence of a person is more than just physical. Instead, focus on what’s inside… energy, sense of humor, values, and beliefs.

5) Make romantic gestures

Make an effort to be romantic. Show your appreciation with small gestures that will make your date feel like you care and are comfortable showing emotion.

6) Let him lead

Feminism has come a long way; however, there is still something special about slipping into your feminine side so you can empower your date to be in his masculine. It becomes a welcoming balance.

7) Pay each other compliments

To make your date feel appreciated, remember to pay each other compliments. Just make sure they are genuine. It doesn’t hurt to remind each other that you find each other sexy, funny or sweet.

8) Find someone who makes you laugh

This is sound advice that your grandmother would probably give you. Best of all, research agrees with her. The couples that laugh together stay together.

9) Be chivalrous

There is something sweet about chivalry… bringing flowers to dates, opening the car door, or pulling out a chair. Most feel special with these little gestures. It shows you appreciate them.

10) Make eye contact

When you’re out on a date – don’t be focused on your phone. Instead, gaze into each other’s eyes and see how that ignites your attraction for each other.

11) Take things slow

Although it’s widely accepted that people sleep together on the first date, it’s worth waiting to get to know someone first. This helps to build a real connection with someone first instead of just having a physical connection.

12) Write letters to each other

If you want to express yourself adequately, especially if you are describing something emotional, don’t use text. Instead, write a letter. It’s more romantic, shows you care, and you’ll have plenty of room to really express how you feel.

13) Don’t fight in public

Arguing in public makes things uncomfortable for everyone around you. No one wants to be involved in your disputes. The good news is that if you wait to get home, then you have time to reflect and cool down.

14) Makeup in person

Fighting and making up via text is ineffective. Words can be misinterpreted. Not only that, tone and body language are key to understanding the meaning of communication. When you argue and makeup, always do this in person.
In summary, use the old-fashioned dating methods to show your date respect, appreciation, and interest. Be open. Be yourself. Be attentive.
We recommend trying these tried and tested methods in your dating approach to see what difference it makes in your relationship.
If you would like to learn about our individual coaching program on healthy dating, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

Not Ready to Date Again Just Yet? We Look at 7 Signs

So are you, or are you not ready to start dating again? You may be keen to start dating soon after a break-up, but how soon is too soon? How long should you wait before dating again? Is it bad to date right after a breakup?
The answer is that there’s no specific timing. There is no formula for everyone to follow – like all things at PIVOT – everyone is unique. Some people would benefit from attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles while others may favor a different approach, such as one-on-one sessions with a relationship coach.

How Do You Know You’re Not Ready To Date?

Couple Night Relationship Coaching Retreat Singles
Some people start dating within days of ending their previous relationship. Others are lonely but not ready to date and feel like they need to spend the same amount of time being single as they were in their last relationship.
However, if dating seems too hard now, or you feel anxious at the thought of sitting opposite a stranger and talking about yourself… then you may not be ready to date right now.
The good news is that it’s not permanent. It means you may need to take time to heal first.

How Soon Is Too Soon After A Breakup?

If you’re wondering if you are ready or not to date, here are 7 signs you’re not ready to date:

1) You’re Not Over Your Ex

If the pain from breaking up with your ex is still fresh and raw, then perhaps you haven’t healed from your past relationship.
Ask yourself…

  • Does seeing your ex with someone new make you jealous, sad or angry?
  • Do you keep in touch regularly?
  • Do you talk about your ex in general conversation?
  • Do you compare others with your ex?

If you said “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you may not be ready to let someone new into your life.
It’s important to let go of the past relationship before you commit to someone else.

2) You Keep Making The Same Dating Mistakes

Some people have unhealthy dating patterns. They seem to date the same type of person, choose an unavailable partner, or they attract people who bring out their worst.
These unhealthy dating choices are typically based on past experiences… a reaction to our parents’ relationship or our own relationship experience.
In either case, a negative relationship experience can have a deep impact on our capacity for healthy relationships.
If this has happened to you, then the best way to move forward is to seek professional help, so you understand what your typical attachment style is and how to choose to date someone who is more compatible.

3) You Change Yourself To Be What You Think The Other Person Wants

One signal that you’re not ready to date is that you feel like you need to change yourself to be what the other person wants. If you don’t cook – don’t say you do! You will find yourself panicking at the first invitation for them to come to your house for dinner!
If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what makes you special. Appreciate your positive qualities.
If you do feel like you need to change for the other person, then this might be a sign that your old relationship gave you insecurities about who you are or your self-worth. Remember, it’s important to bring yourself to a relationship, not lose yourself in it.
Take time to reconnect to yourself, determine your values and find out what you like and don’t like.
Most of all, love yourself for the special, and unique person that you are.

4) You’re Looking For Someone To Complete You

If you believe that a relationship is going to fill your “emptiness,” then you’re not ready to be in a relationship or start dating yet.
You may be looking for someone to fill a role in your life… rather than looking to share your life with someone.
You first need to feel whole and confident as a single person before being ready to share your life with another person. If you have untreated attachment wounds, it is hard to find healthy self-esteem to bring to the dating process.
The best relationship you need to have is with yourself.
Start by validating your own existence, instead of counting on someone else to do that for you. And remind yourself that a relationship doesn’t define you.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself first. Once you feel whole, then you can invite someone to share your life.

5) You Are Working On Yourself Right Now

If you feel like you have some work to do on yourself, then you may still have unresolved issues or pain in your life.
And that’s ok.
You need to be ready to let someone else into your life.
After all, it’s not possible to be available for others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first.
The key is to work through your pain, don’t ignore it; otherwise, you’ll be emotionally vacant.
It’s crucial to feel happy, balanced and healed.
If you’re not happy with yourself, your job, your health or your life in general, then you need to own and get straight with your challenges first. Being single and facilitating a relationship is hard work, especially if you haven’t yet become the person you want to be, and an intensive workshop or one-on-one coaching may be exactly what you need.

6) You Have Trust Issues

Trust takes time. Not being able to fully trust someone over time that you let into your life is a sign you’re not ready to date.
Although you may want love and to be loved, lacking trust in your relationship from the past will make it difficult for you to emotionally attach to someone because you don’t want to get hurt.
Trust issues come from past hurts that may have occurred in previous romantic relationships or from unhealthy family relationships during childhood. Or both.
Many people with trust issues know they have trouble in their relationships, but don’t realize it comes from a trust problem.
Before you are ready to date, you will need to work through your trust issues and heal from past hurts.

7) You Want Someone To “Save” You

A healthy relationship is not about saving each other. It’s about giving and sharing.
If you feel like you need someone to “save” you, then you need to look deeper at the real issues.
First, you need to fix yourself, find out what makes you happy, think about what needs to change.
When you know you have something to give and share with others, then you know you’re ready to start dating seriously.
If you say to yourself:

  • I’m such a mess. I need help.
  • Why am I so insecure?
  • Am I good enough for a relationship?

…then you need to heal these issues first before you are ready to start dating.
If you don’t do this, then you’ll attract a partner that wants to “save” people, or someone with the same issues.
And, the wounded cycle repeats itself…

How To Tell Someone You’re Not Ready To Date?

Recognizing that you are not yet ready for a relationship takes maturity. If you are aware that you still have some unresolved issues that you need to tackle, then you should make that clear to any potential partners you may encounter.
If you’ve met someone and want to let them know that you’re not prepared to commit, here’s how you can do so nicely:

  • Be honest and open
  • Ask them what their idea of a relationship is
  • Check if they are willing to take things slow
  • Compromise if possible
  • Don’t sugarcoat and give them false hope

The most important thing here is that you don’t let anyone pressure you into a relationship if you’re not 100% certain that you are ready. If you need support while navigating the dating world and understanding your own needs, consider seeking out a relationship coaching retreat for individuals and you may just find the strength and stability you need before getting into another relationship.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready To Date Again?

To help you determine when you may be ready to date again, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do I think that I’ll eventually find the person I want?
  2. Do I believe that I’m a worthwhile partner?
  3. Do I trust that I’ll have a great new relationship in the future?
  4. Do I think that I’m over the pain from my past relationships?
  5. Do I think of the good things I did in my past relationship?
  6. Do I believe my previous partner did care for me?
  7. Do I believe I’ve learned what I need to know to try dating again?
  8. Do I feel confident knowing what to do differently next time?
  9. Do I know without a doubt that I will respectfully get out of a relationship that is unhealthy for me sooner rather than later?
  10. Do I believe that things work out the way they’re supposed to?

If you answered yes to at least seven of the questions, then you may be ready to date again.

How Do I Go Back To Dating After Years Of Being Single?

Getting back into the dating scene after a lengthy break can be a scary experience. If you’ve spent a long time by yourself, you may be uncertain about meeting new people and sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with someone else. Whether you’re going back to online dating or trying to find someone in your friend circle, we have some tips that might make putting yourself out there easier:

  • Don’t take dating too seriously: even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, try to have fun while dating. Don’t be hesitant to flirt and explore your options on dating apps. It may help you regain confidence and prepare you for the right thing when it comes.
  • Go out with your friends: your chances of meeting someone worthy will be very slim if you never leave your house. Hit up your friends and enjoy a fun night out instead. You may just meet someone that sparks your interest.
  • Ask around: there’s a perfectly good chance that your friends know someone that you may like. Going on a date or two can’t hurt, and if your friends know you well, they should be able to find a potential match for you.
  • Take it slow: if you haven’t dated for a while after a bad breakup or divorce, your self-esteem may not be in the best shape. Make sure not to rush yourself into a new relationship and give yourself time to think about what you really want.
  • Consult professionals: contacting a relationship coach or attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles may help you understand yourself and your needs better and in turn make the entire dating process far more enjoyable.

Experience The Best Relationship Coaching Retreat For Individuals

Couple Kiss Relationship Coaching Retreat Individuals
Remember, the more you value yourself, understand what you want and can give, then the more effective you’ll be identifying what a good relationship versus an unhealthy one is. Whether you’re trying to rebuild a relationship after a breakup or trying to start things with someone new, PIVOT is here to help you. 
If you would like more advice on how to heal from past hurts so you can be ready to date again, contact PIVOT. Our personalized individual coaching sessions and intensive five-day couples retreats help you identify what you want and need in relationship with others. You’ll be able to identify much healthier matches in dating with the PIVOT process. Reach out to us today! 

First Date Tips – How to Survive (and Enjoy) Your First Date

So you’re looking for first date tips. Are you ready to get back into dating? Maybe it’s been a while since you have dated. Or perhaps you haven’t had good experiences.
If so, we recommend you doing our Dating with a Purpose module with an Advocate at PIVOT! As a teaser, here are a few general first date tips to survive and enjoy your first date.

1. Location, location, location

Plan the first date to include a short meet and greet. You do not want to box yourself into an evening with someone that you do not know or trust yet.
It’s important to feel comfortable being YOU on your first date. You are not there to be who you think they need you to be – represent yourself.

2. Remember your date is a date — not your therapist

The goal of a first date is to have a good time, connect and keep the conversation flowing so you can learn about each other.
Save talking about your problems or flaws until you know they are interested in getting to know you more.
This also means that you don’t want to be a completely open book. If you do, then what is there to look forward to for the next date?

3. Don’t talk about yourself the whole time

This follows from the tip above – you may talk because you’re nervous, but make sure you ask questions and get to know your date.
Of course, you want to be open, but don’t monopolize the conversation.

4. Be yourself

The best first dates are the ones where you can be yourself. Relax and let your true authentic self shine through. This will give you confidence, which your date will see.

5. Really listen

Be a better listener and practice actively listening – without interrupting.
There’s nothing worse than someone who’s not paying attention. You’ll feel embarrassed asking a question your date answered five minutes ago.

6. Open body language

Make sure you have open body language – keep your arms relaxed, not folded; smile and make eye contact.

7. Keep an open mind

This tip is key… your perfect match doesn’t mean they will be perfectly compatible. Don’t make assumptions or discount your date if they work in a “boring” profession or have different hobbies than you.
They may surprise you. And you may discover things you have in common that are more important, such as values and goals.

8. Offer to pay

Be prepared and offer to pay – even if they asked you to meet with them. It shows courtesy and consideration. And it feels better for everyone, no matter who ends up paying.

9. Send positive signals if you are interested

One of the most difficult parts of a first date is trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you or not.
If you’re having a good time and you like your date, then send signals – flirt, smile, laugh, look into each other’s eyes, and the message will become clear.
Or, better yet, tell them that you are having a good time.

10. Don’t be wishy-washy

Don’t be a pushover. If your date tells you they want to hang out in a bar, but you don’t drink, then tell them.
This is the same advice for being decisive: If your date asks what you’d like to eat, don’t say “I don’t care, whatever is fine.”

11. Don’t be attached to your phone

Leave your phone in your bag, on silent, and be focused and attentive to what your date is saying.
There is nothing more rude than being glued to your phone… being distracted by every beep, sound and vibration. Or worse, answering a call.

12. Make sure you ask questions – the right ones

First dates are supposed to be a playful and fun way to get to know someone new.
One way to get to know them is to ask questions. This also helps in keeping the conversation flowing.
But you want to avoid questions relating to politics, religion, exes, and their income. Leave that until you know them well.
Topics you may want to ask questions about include:

  • Work
  • Family
  • Hobbies
  • Pop culture
  • Favorite music
  • Sports
  • Travel
  • Pets
  • What do they do in their free time?

13. Don’t get drunk

No matter if you like a drink or two, for the first date, stay in control of what you say and do.

14. Don’t have sex on the first date

Make sure you maintain boundaries on your first date and don’t have sex straight away.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

15. Don’t talk about your ex on the first date

Talking about your ex on a first date can lead to lots of questions, doubts and assumptions. Leave your discussion about your ex for later.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.

16. Be safe and have fun!

In summary, believe in having a positive outcome for your date. Be open. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
If you would like more first date tips and more importantly, advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

5 Dating Signals to Recognize if You Want a Healthy Relationship

Perhaps you’ve been dating for a while, but you’re not sure that you’re really ready for a relationship. After all, you are independent. You are happy on your own. And you don’t need anyone to complete you. But you are starting to think about sharing your future with the person you are dating.
Here’s the good news… creating a successful and healthy relationship doesn’t need to be hard, stressful or tedious. With guidance from an insightful remote relationship coach, you’ll be able to recognize favorable and unfavorable dating signs and start nurturing a lasting and stable relationship with the right person.

How Do You Know If You Are Dating The Right Person?

Signs You Are Ready For A Healthy Relationship
Only you can tell if the person you’re dating is the right match for you. If you are at peace with your own self, insecurities and all, then finding a partner to create a healthy relationship with shouldn’t be too much of a challenge.
A relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect. If both you and your partner are ready to commit and provide healthy emotional support, you have good chances of maintaining a loving and happy relationship.

Signs You Are Ready For A Healthy Relationship

Here are five dating signals that show you are ready for a healthy relationship:

1) You are your authentic self around your date

In the world of dating, it can be difficult to let your true self shine. It’s natural to have your guard up when you start to get to know new people.
The issue with not being yourself in a relationship is that you may fall into a pattern of trying to please the other person and neglecting yourself. Not to mention, your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
When you feel ready to be your true self in front of your date and, more importantly, treasure your authenticity in all its imperfections, then you know you are ready to have a healthy relationship.
This works both ways. Each person in a healthy relationship needs to be themselves, know who they are and what makes them happy.
If both of you have a healthy sense of self, then you can develop a healthy relationship by bringing your similar qualities as well as your differences to the relationship. This means there won’t be one person dominating over the other.
Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all. It’s only when you are authentic and can show your date who you really are, that you will create a deep connection that will build a foundation for your healthy relationship.

2) You honor your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Why? It means you won’t be a pushover. You’ll stand up for what is important to you, and you can communicate when you are unhappy. If you have not completed the Relational Circle Boundaries with a PIVOT advocate, it is essential that you do so before you begin dating.
If you are unhappy about something your date did, said or didn’t do, then the healthy way to deal with this is to talk about it. If you don’t say anything, then you may feel resentment or anger. Over time this can build up to become a major issue.
In healthy relationships, growth is very important, so you need to be able to have productive discussions, arguments, and disagreements, without feeling isolated or defensive.
A productive discussion is an opportunity to learn from each other and grow as a couple.

3) You don’t want to change them

One signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship is to accept your date for who they are. This means you don’t want to change them in any way.
How Do You Know Someone Is Not Right For You
If you feel like you want to change them, then this could be a sign that you are not ready for a healthy relationship or that you want to control someone. If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what you want in a partner based on the PIVOT module, Dating with a Purpose.
Instead of focusing on flaws in your date, focus on their positive attributes. Look for the positive qualities you admire.
If you feel good with your date, you are patient and real with them, and you treat them the same in public as you do at home, then you’re on the path to growing a healthy relationship.

4) You fit into each other’s life

A good sign that you are ready for a healthy relationship is when you see that person fitting into other parts of your life – not just in the relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself to know if you both fit into each other’s life:

  • Do we get along with other people in our lives?
  • Do we get along with their friends and family?
  • Do we have mutual interests that we enjoy doing together?
  • Do we invite each other to attend work and social events?
  • Do we feel supported and encouraged to pursue our own goals?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then you may be ready for a relationship.

5) You are willing to grow your intimacy

Physical and emotional chemistry is important for relationships. However, if you are ready to grow the chemistry into something deeper, then this is another signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship.
Many of us, single or in a relationship, run from the risks of true intimacy. It takes courage to want to really connect with someone on a deep level.
Intimacy is created when you are with someone that shares your values; when you are both authentic and not afraid to be vulnerable; when there is mutual respect and when you don’t rely on the other person to “complete you.”
If you have recognized the five signals above, then it shows you are ready to commit and cultivate a healthy relationship that feeds and nurtures you both – a relationship of love.

How Do You Know Someone Is Not Right For You?

Unfortunately, your partner may not be as ready for a healthy relationship as you are. They may still be struggling with relational wounds from their past and may not be ready to commit just yet. Here are some telltale signs that your partner is not the right person for you:

  • You don’t feel like your unique self next to them
  • You share no common interests
  • You haven’t met their family even though you’ve been dating for a while
  • They keep talking about their previous relationships
  • You don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable around them
  • They don’t listen to you when you talk about your interests

These are just some of the signs that may indicate that your partner is not ready for love and a long-term healthy relationship. You both must be able and willing to commit to one another in order for the relationship to work.
Remember, it’s easy to become attracted to people who can “almost” commit. People who treat you really well and then they control or ignore you. Those types of relationships are typically high energy and addictive.

Looking for a relationship coach online? Contact PIVOT!

How Do You Know If You Are Dating The Right Person
If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We offer valuable insights via relationship coaching sessions for individuals and couples and our intensive relationship-building skills retreats. Contact us today and find happiness and love in your relationships!

10 Essential Dating Tips To Create Healthy Relationships

Dating plays a vital role in creating long-term relationships. After all, dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Before you start dating, consider if you are ready for a relationship. Just because you want a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re ready for one.
Ask yourself: “Am I ready for a relationship?”
Make sure you know what you’re looking for in a potential partner and that you’ve resolved or healed from past relationships.
So, if you’re ready to start dating effectively, we suggest you work with a PIVOT advocate to complete our dating module called Dating with a Purpose! As a starting point as you consider finding the right person for a healthy relationship, the following dating tips will help you get started.

10 essential dating tips to create healthy relationships

1) Choose the right place to meet

To be able to communicate easily and hear all the details of the conversation you want to meet in a quiet, neutral location that is close to both of you.
Ideally, the place you choose should be away from noisy bars and distractions… and away from your work and home.

2) Stay focused on the other person and put away your phone

Stay focused and be attentive to what your date is saying. Make sure to avoid distractions during your date.
There is nothing ruder than being glued to your phone screen during the date… being distracted by every beep, sound, and vibration. Or worse still, answering a call during the date.
Unless there is an emergency (i.e.: you need to refer to your dating tips), put away your phone and listen to your date with focus.

3) Keep the conversation balanced

Don’t monopolize the conversation by rambling about yourself. You may think you’re impressing your date but talking too much makes the other person lose interest because they feel you’re too self-involved.
Talking is about having active participation in the conversation. It’s a two-way street. Be curious, be interested and ask follow-up questions to their stories.

4) Stay in the present and be yourself

Avoid talking about the past or an ex. Instead, concentrate on finding interests you both have in common.
And don’t try to be someone you’re not. Everyone has their own strengths, uniqueness, and talents. Share yours with your date.
Spend the date finding out about each other. After you complete the Dating with a Purpose (part of the PIVOT process), you will be aware of your non-negotiables and will want to begin to ask questions to determine if there are any HUGE red flags.

5) Have a positive attitude

People are naturally attracted to happy and positive people. So, leave your worries at home when you go out on your date.
Give yourself a break and aim to feel upbeat and positive. The more positive you feel, the more attractive you will be.

6) Flirt with your date… if you are interested

Flirting is a great way to signal that you are interested in your date.
You can do simple things, such as, make eye contact, smile, be curious and ask them questions.
This will help to attract attention from your date and show them that you are interested in them.

7) Don’t have sex on the first date

Showing attraction by flirting with your date is one thing. But make sure you maintain boundaries. Don’t have sex straight away.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

8) Learn to recognize the signs of unequal attraction

90% of all communication is non-verbal, so watch the body language of your date to see if they are attracted to you. If you sense your attraction to them is not equal, then don’t force it.
If this person isn’t right for you, then save your time and energy for someone who is.
On the other hand, if you’re less interested, then don’t lead them on. Let them know politely and move on.

9) Take your time to move from dating to a relationship

Go on several dates and give yourself time to discover how you feel about your date. And how they feel about you.
Don’t rush into a relationship. Spend as much time dating and savoring it. Make sure you agree on the things that are important to you both before you start the relationship.
This will help reduce potential tension or disagreements later.

10) Follow up after the date

If you’re interested in seeing your date again, then don’t play games. Call them, text them or return their call.
Don’t make the other person guess what you want. Be honest and communicate openly. There is nothing worse than unreturned phone calls.
In summary, approach your date with respect, interest, and understanding. Be open. It’s OK to be vulnerable while not disclosing too much too soon. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
These are the essential keys to creating a healthy relationship. We hope that these essential dating tips have given you some insights about healthy dating.
If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help!

Dating With a Purpose

If you’re struggling with being single and facilitating a relationship, a PIVOT workshop may help. If you wish to learn how to have good discernment and identify healthy, lasting relationships, get a PIVOT advocate today and learn how to date with a purpose!
Do you wonder why your friends have found “the one” but you’re still trawling dating websites and apps, wondering whether to go on a date… again? If that’s the case, the first question you should ask yourself is:

What Is The Purpose Of Dating?

Think about it. People date for different reasons. Some want to have fun and get out of the house. Some want to meet new people. And others want to find a lifelong partnership.
If you’re not dating with a purpose, then how do you know when you have found the right person to have a relationship with?

What Does Dating With A Purpose Mean?

Dating Couple - Being Single and Facilitating a Relationship Workshop
Dating without a purpose is like getting in your car and driving in random directions, hoping you will get “somewhere that makes you happy.” Chances are, you will probably get lost, frustrated or go in circles.
That’s what it’s like with dating. If you don’t have a target, or destination in mind, then you won’t get there.
Dating with a purpose is essential if you want to find someone to create and sustain a healthy relationship. Think of dating like interviewing someone for the most important role as your partner. You need to prepare, plan, and decide what you want.
Creating a dating plan is not easy. It takes effort, patience, self-discipline and the wisdom of others who have done this successfully.
The good news… it is worth the effort.

How Do You Date With Purpose?

Since dating with a purpose is one of the most important things you will do in life, we’ve created a list of things to consider prior to completing the Dating with a Purpose module in the PIVOT curriculum.

1. Honesty That Creates Trust

Trust is the basis for relationships. Trusting yourself is key and must come first. If you have unresolved attachment wounds or trauma due to destabilizing relationships in the past, you will not trust yourself and your choices and you could end up picking with a broken picker! When looking for a partner, you want to know how to best understand if they are trustworthy too. Transparency takes time and building trust takes time.

2. Ready To Be In A Relationship (Both Partners)

You both must be ready to want to be in a relationship. And again, this means healing from past trauma, childhood or relationship issues. Otherwise, you may find that childhood wounds will be triggered, leading to negative emotions and unproductive behaviors.

3. The Willingness To Negotiate Or Compromise

For a balanced relationship to grow, you must both be willing to negotiate or compromise. It doesn’t mean that you give up what’s important to you. Instead, you need to be prepared to understand each other and be willing to co-create solutions for challenges as they arise together.

4. Self-Awareness

This is an important criterion that will help you create a meaningful relationship. Being self-aware will help you both to know who you are and what you want and need in a relationship. Without this, it will be difficult to have a long-term relationship.
Self-awareness means both partners knowing who they are and what they want and need out of a relationship and life in general.

5. Self-Esteem

When you are looking for a life-long partner, one key area to focus on is self-esteem. You want to know they have healthy self-esteem, and you need to ensure that you do too. Otherwise, if you look for a relationship to be what makes you feel good about yourself, then you may attract the wrong type of person. Self-esteem means both partners feeling “good” about who they are.

6. Communication Skills

How do you create a deep connection with someone? Healthy communication should definitely be the first step. For a relationship to work, you need strong communication skills. This means being able to:

  • Ask for what you want and need
  • Fighting fair and expressing your opinion without hurting or attacking the other person
  • Describe your feelings
  • Be upfront and say what you mean (don’t beat around the bush)
  • Listen actively and let your partner have their voice

7. Sexual Compatibility

This is about having similar sexual values, inclinations, and preferences. You want to have physical compatibility to ensure that you are both satisfied in the relationship and that neither of you feels rejected.

8. Recognition Of Family Origin History

To have a healthy relationship, there needs to be a recognition of the family of origin history. This means being aware that childhood wounds will probably be triggered, and sensitivity strategies must be created.
For a relationship to work, the rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a couple. The Relational Alignment module in the PIVOT process will disclose and support the ability to reveal this part of self to your partner and give you the tools to repair and restore challenging situations so you can both show up as healthy adults for your relationship.

9. Similar Values

To minimize conflict in relationships, having general compatibility with values, money, religion, monogamy, parenting, travel, and how you want to spend your downtime is key.
It doesn’t mean that you must think the same about everything. However, to minimize conflict in the future, it is ideal to determine what are your must-have values.

10. Patience And Tolerance

A key factor for a healthy relationship is for both partners to have patience and tolerance.
Of course, patience is not consistent. It will come and go. However, it is worthwhile practicing patience before you commit to a relationship. Some people are naturally patient, and others are not.
To make a relationship work you both should have tolerance for the small, unimportant things in life. However, it is never acceptable to tolerate neglect, abuse or bad behavior. If that is happening, at any stage of your relationship, then you should get help immediately. Remember, you should never tolerate abuse.

11. Ordinary Days Or Boredom

There will be days when the relationship seems ordinary or sometimes feels boring. This is important to accept, otherwise, you may feel that the relationship is not working.
Many people expect relationships to be exciting all the time, or worse, they feel it’s ok to live with pain rather than move on.
Remember that healthy relationships have ordinary days.

12. Willingness To Influence, Not Control

Have the willingness to substitute “influencing” for “control” is important. It means:

  • Saying something once and letting it go
  • Being a role model instead and leading by example, rather than nagging someone to change
  • Accepting your partner as they are

13. Personal Boundaries

One way to maintain your self-esteem in a relationship is to keep your personal boundaries. You need to do this, even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person. The relational Circle Boundaries in the PIVOT process will help you be able to establish and maintain your own internal boundaries.
If you don’t keep your independence and your personal boundaries, then it will lead to having no boundaries and neglect yourself.
A healthy relationship is one where your partner will let you in and will also give you space for yourself.

14. Devotion And Initial Commitment

Evening Date - Relationship Building Skills Workshop
A healthy relationship is based on the feeling that you are committed and devoted to one another. The feeling of love will come and go… it is the commitment and devotion to one another that will be what keeps you in a long term relationship.
At PIVOT, we consider love to be a verb. It is an action word. There are days when you will feel loving toward your partner and there are days when life is getting the best of you and feeling “love” generally is not happening.
When you are devoted to one another, this includes spending special time together. Celebrating the special days like birthdays, milestones, etc. It is important at times to put your partner first to make them feel special.
If you are dating and decide to commit to only seeing each other, it is important to spell out what does that first stage of commitment mean to you? How often do you contact each other? See each other? Are you not having other sexual partners? Spell it out to avoid confusion and conflict.

15. Quality Time

Although you want to ensure that both of you have your share of personal space, for a healthy relationship to work, you need to set aside quality time with each other.

16. Knowing When To Stay In The Relationship Or Leave

Although we want our relationships to last a lifetime, it is important to know when to stay and when it is time to leave the relationship.
This means staying when things are going well when the relationship is healthy… even if you have times when you feel like it takes effort to make it work.
On the other hand, it means being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy. If you are experiencing abuse, neglect or bad behavior, then this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and you need to be willing to leave or set a strong boundary for the other person to get help.

17. Being Compatible

It is important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship.
Although no relationship is perfect, the relationships between people that are compatible are more likely to last, be fulfilling and feel settled.
Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner’s differences.

18. Respect And Admiration

It is important to have respect for each other, and also admiration. You want to have a relationship with someone you respect and admire.
Admiration is more than just skin deep. Of course, there will be times your partner will not always look good to you. However, admiration is about accepting and loving the whole person.

19. Reciprocity (Give And Take)

The test of a healthy relationship is for both partners to be willing and able to give and take. This means making small sacrifices now and then. It also means asking for what you want and need.

20. Realistic Expectations

Before you start a relationship, have a conversation about both of your expectations of the relationship. What do you expect your partner to do for you and vice versa? If you feel like something is missing in your life, then a relationship will not fix this. Don’t expect your relationship to meet this need in you.
You first need to have healthy self-esteem, trust and love yourself, before you can expect that from others.

Attend Our Relationship Building Skills Workshop & Date With A Purpose!

Laughing Couple - Relationship Building Skills Workshop
In summary, one way to navigate the dating world and make it work for you is to start dating with a purpose. Be aware of your reasons for dating and don’t compromise on what’s important to you. We recommend creating a dating plan to see what difference it makes in building a fulfilling relationship.
If you would like more advice on dating with a purpose, then contact PIVOT. We offer high-result relationship workshops as well as carefully designed relationship coaching for individuals and couples that can help you find success while dating. Reach out to us today!