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As one of the most common defense mechanisms, reaction formation helps us avoid anxiety-inducing, painful, or simply negative emotions and impulses. It involves replacing these negative or maladaptive impulses with other behaviors, which are often expressed in an exaggerated manner.

Why do we use reaction formation and similar defense mechanisms? How do we stop them from harming our romantic relationship, our mental health, and our overall well-being? There are numerous ways to go about this: one of the best ways to understand why you do what you do is to attend a specialized individual or couples workshop and learn as much as you can about this defense mechanism and other maladaptive mechanisms that cause anxiety and unhealthy relationships.

What Is Reaction Formation? 

Reaction formation is a common defense mechanism in which you may unconsciously attempt to master difficult or controversial impulses by exaggerating an opposing tendency. In other words, you may experience a thought or negative feelings that can be difficult to tolerate, threatening, or anxiety-provoking, and in response, you then unconsciously produce an opposite reaction to reduce the anxiety or discomfort associated with the original feeling or idea. Read that again!

In psychoanalytic theory, the reaction formation concept was introduced by Sigmund Freud in the late 19th century. The concept was further developed by Sigmund Freud’s daughter, Anna Freud, in the early 20th century.

Essentially, it involves trying to defend yourself against thoughts and feelings deemed unacceptable by your society, family, or your own sense of ethics. To do this, you may take the completely opposite route to the one you fear, consciously or unconsciously.

How Reaction Formation Differs From Other Defense Mechanisms

While reaction formation is a type of psychological defense mechanism, it differs from other defense mechanisms in several ways.

First, reaction formation involves expressing the opposite or contrasting feelings or behaviors to one’s actual impulses or desires, whereas other defense mechanisms involve more direct or indirect ways of avoiding or reducing anxiety or distress.

For example, repression involves pushing unwanted thoughts, ideas, or emotions into the unconscious mind, while denial involves refusing to acknowledge the existence of a particular belief, problem or reality. Projection involves attributing one’s own thoughts or feelings onto another person, while displacement involves redirecting one’s emotions from the original target to a less threatening one.

Another key difference is that reaction formation often involves behaviors that are more socially acceptable or desirable, whereas other defense mechanisms may involve behaviors that are maladaptive or harmful.

For example, a person using reaction formation may exhibit exaggerated kindness or friendliness toward others, while a person using aggression as a defense mechanism against stress may lash out or become violent toward others.

What Are Some Examples Of Reaction Formation?

You may use this defense mechanism in a variety of ways. Examples may include: 

• Being overly friendly to someone you don’t like 
• Preaching about abstinence while being an alcoholic 
• Giving too many gifts and not feeling any affection for the person
• Expressing contempt for someone to avoid acknowledging the feeling of affection or love
• Acting in a calm and collected manner while not being able to accept your anger 
• Being mean to someone because you are attracted to them

Consider a person who feels attracted to someone who is unavailable but also experiences guilt and anxiety about these feelings. Instead of acknowledging and confronting these feelings, the person may develop an opposite reaction and behave rudely or coldly toward the person they are attracted to. By expressing a negative attitude or behavior towards this person, the individual can create a sense of distance and avoid acting on their attraction.

Similarly, consider a person who has repressed feelings of anger or hostility. Instead of expressing these feelings directly, the person may behave in an exaggeratedly friendly or helpful way toward others. By expressing kindness and positivity, the individual can avoid dealing with their uncomfortable feelings of anger, fear, or hostility.

In both cases, the person’s behavior is not in line with their true feelings, desires, or emotions but rather serves to reduce anxiety or distress. However, the use of reaction formation can be maladaptive in some cases, as it can result in behaviors that are dishonest, inauthentic, or harmful to oneself or others.

As you can see, reaction formation psychology is somewhat similar to the process of projection. When using both of these psychological defense mechanisms, you are trying to avoid unwanted thoughts and feelings and compensate for them. You may do this by either displacing the thoughts and feelings of others or going in a completely opposite direction of what you actually think and feel.

Benefits and Drawbacks of Reaction Formation

Reaction formation, like other defense mechanisms, can have both benefits and drawbacks.

Here are some of the potential benefits and drawbacks of using reaction formation:

Perceived Benefits

1. Reduction of anxiety: By producing behaviors or feelings that are opposite to their true desires or impulses, individuals can reduce the anxiety or discomfort associated with their thoughts or feelings.
2. Social acceptance: In some cases, the behaviors produced by reaction formation may be more socially acceptable or desirable than the individual’s true desires or impulses. For example, an individual who represses feelings of anger or hostility may be more accepted by others if they express exaggerated kindness or friendliness.
3. Avoidance of negative consequences: In some situations, the use of reaction formation may help individuals avoid greater negative consequences associated with their true desires or impulses. For example, an individual who is attracted to someone who is unavailable may avoid negative consequences, such as rejection or disapproval, by expressing a negative attitude towards the person they are attracted to.

Drawbacks

1. Dishonesty: The use of reaction formation typically results in behaviors that are dishonest or inauthentic, as they are not in line with the individual’s true desires or emotions.
2. Ineffectiveness: While the use of reaction formation may reduce anxiety or distress in the short term, it may not address underlying issues or contribute to long-term mental health and well-being.
3. Harmful behaviors: In some cases, the behaviors produced by reaction formation may be harmful to oneself or others. For example, an individual who expresses overtly homophobic views may harm members of the LGBTQ+ community and contribute to social stigma and discrimination. This leads to great harm.

As you can see, while the use of reaction formation may have some benefits in reducing anxiety or distress, it can also have drawbacks in terms of honesty, effectiveness, and potential for harm.

When Reaction Formation May Be Helpful

Reaction formation may be helpful in some situations where individuals experience thoughts or feelings that are deemed unacceptable, threatening, or anxiety-provoking.

Here are some examples of when this defense mechanism may be helpful:

1. Coping with social anxiety: Individuals who experience social anxiety may use reaction formation to reduce their anxiety by behaving in an overly friendly or outgoing manner and practice showing up. By expressing exaggerated positivity and friendliness, the individual can create a sense of social ease and avoid confronting their underlying anxiety.
2. Managing obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Individuals with OCD may use reaction formation to manage their compulsive behaviors. For example, an individual who experiences obsessive thoughts about cleanliness may use reaction formation to maintain a sense of control and order in their environment by becoming overly focused on cleanliness and organization.
3. Avoiding harmful behavior: Reaction formation may be helpful in preventing individuals from acting on their harmful desires or impulses. For example, an individual who experiences violent urges may use reaction formation to express a strong aversion to violence and aggression, and may thereby avoid acting on their violent impulses.

While reaction formation may be helpful in these and other situations, it is important to recognize that it is a defense mechanism that does not address underlying issues or contribute to long-term mental health and well-being.

Why Does Reaction Formation Happen?

The feelings and thoughts that you or your environment deems unacceptable can be difficult to accept and deal with. To defend yourself and your self-esteem against them, you may resort to reaction formation. While it may help protect your self-esteem at a specific moment, it may become harmful and problematic over time. It can suppress your genuine self and affect your overall well-being.

When you rely on reaction formation, you may be extremely passionate about your outwardly expressed preferences and beliefs, while burying your true feelings and thoughts in your subconscious. This tendency is why it’s useful to learn more about reaction formation and other defense mechanisms such as sublimation or the process of rationalization. Examining your thoughts and behaviors can help you gain a more objective perspective on your actions and help you keep maladaptive behavior and defense mechanisms in check.

Defense mechanisms are often a reflection of your attachment style. More precisely, you may use reaction formation as a defense of projection or denial. It is a defensive structure that can be ingrained during childhood, when there is a lack of a stable attachment figure for protection and comfort. Our defense mechanisms work as our survival patterns, shielding us from pain, guilt, shame, and discomfort.

How Does Reaction Formation Affect Relationships?

Relying on any defense mechanism constantly can lead to an array of relationship difficulties. Reaction formation, in particular, often leads to suppression of genuine thoughts and feelings, and in turn damages your chances of nurturing healthy intimacy. Whether it’s you or your partner who relies on reaction formation, you may also experience trust issues, relationship anxiety, stress, and distancing. 

Overall, excessively relying on reaction formation can damage your relationship by hiding your authentic self from your partner. And if they are the ones doing it, you may find it hard to understand your partner’s true feelings and thoughts. You may feel like they’re not expressing their genuine self, putting up a front, or acting irrationally to protect their self-image from harm.

How Do You Fix A Reaction Formation?

Working to identify your defense mechanisms, whether on your own or with a relationship coach, can help you overcome intimacy issues and stabilize your self-esteem. It’s not an easy process. You’ll most likely have to deal with feelings and thoughts that you find uncomfortable or painful. This may involve examining any underlying impulses that may have caused you to rely on reaction formation in the first place. 

In addition to speaking with a professional relationship coach, you can also try the following steps to detect and overcome reaction formation: 

• Learn more about defense mechanisms and reaction formation and look for symptoms in your own behavior. 
• Analyze when and why you use this mechanism. What activates it? Where does it take you emotionally? 
• Set aside more time to spend on your own and reflect on your thoughts and actions. 
• Speak with your partner openly and honestly about your feelings and allow yourself to be vulnerable. 
• Work on setting healthy boundaries and give yourself time to overcome maladaptive tendencies. 
• Try yoga and mindfulness to learn how to stay present in the moment and free yourself from your past. 

Visit a PIVOT Couple Workshop For Deepening Your Relationship

Are you worried that your survival patterns may be damaging your relationship? PIVOT is here to help you through compassion and insight. Over the years, we have worked with a great many clients like you to help them develop psychological strategies, identify and heal their childhood wounds, and create healthier boundaries. We offer you in-depth relationship coaching sessions for singles and couples, as well as a range of workshops tailored to your needs, all designed to help you build better relationships and encourage positive behavioral change.

Ready to take the first step towards a happier and healthier you? Reach out and begin your journey with us today.

Projection is one of those psychology terms you may have come across in your daily life. Whether it’s in a heated discussion among your friends or on a TV show, it’s likely that you’ve heard the phrase “stop projecting!” at least once or twice. 

However, what is projection exactly? 

In psychology, projection is a common defense mechanism where people attribute their own negative traits or emotions to other people. Projection can be hard to detect at times, especially if you’re the one doing it. This is because the process is often unconscious, slipping under the radar of your conscious experience and self-image. 

Unfortunately, projection may damage intimate relationships, often requiring partners to visit private couple retreats for reconnection. 

In this article, you will learn what projection is, what causes it, how it affects your relationships, and what you can do to stop it. 

What Is The Process Of Projection?

Projection may work differently for each person. Nevertheless, there are some general examples you may have come across in your life: 

• A cheating partner suspects that the other person in the relationship is being unfaithful. They project their own infidelity to their partner, transferring their own behaviors and shame.  
• You interrupt a person who talks too much and they accuse you of being a poor listener or conversationalist. 
• You strongly dislike someone and convince yourself that they are the one who doesn’t like you. 
• You are able to complete a task successfully and believe that everyone else can do it, too. 

As you can probably tell, projection can manifest itself in an endless variety of ways. Essentially, it involves instances where people accuse others of their own, often maladaptive tendencies and behaviors. 

What Is Projection In A Relationship?

Projection most commonly occurs in romantic relationships, where each partner may, in a way, borrow their partner’s identity or attribute their own traits to them. Unfortunately, it is quite common for people to project everything they don’t like about themselves onto their partner. This can prevent the relationship from progressing, as well as stump your own psychological growth. 

One unfortunate effect of projection is that it may make you feel like a victim of life. You may feel like everything bad that happens to you is your partner’s fault. Or your parents may be to blame. This can encourage you to repeat maladaptive behaviors and damage your relationship.

Furthermore, it may impede your self-development and your capability for building a genuine connection with your partner. Displacing your negative thoughts and emotions can sometimes do irreparable damage to your relationship, especially if you don’t make an effort to detect your own projections.  

What Causes Psychological Projection?

Like many other defense mechanisms such as reaction formation and the repression of unwanted memories, projection boils down to self-defense. You may project because you are unable to acknowledge a negative quality or painful thoughts. It is often easier to displace difficult emotions to others, than it is to take responsibility for your actions and confront the aspects of your personality you don’t like. 

By projecting, you try to keep pain, shame, and guilt at bay. It is also more comfortable for people to see negative qualities in other people than in themselves. The people who are prone to projecting often don’t understand themselves very well, even if they believe that they do. Low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority may also cause you to project your negative thoughts and behaviors onto others.

How Do I Know If I Am Projecting?

Projection is often an unconscious process, which is why it can be particularly difficult to detect. Luckily, there are some steps you can take to explore any potential areas for projection. Look out for the following patterns and symptoms: 

• Allowing others to hurt you and push your buttons repeatedly. 
• Being quick to blame others and having intense reactions. 
• Feeling too defensive, sensitive, or hurt about something another person has done or said. 
• Experiencing difficulties understanding another person’s perspective and point of view.
• Seeing that your reactivity and sensitivity happen repeatedly. 

If you are struggling to spot symptoms of projection in yourself and still feel as if your partner or a friend gets under your skin too much, you can try asking yourself the following questions: 

• What experience from my past is triggered by this experience? 
• What do I feel when speaking with or thinking about this person?
• What am I saying and thinking about this person?  
• Am I reactive in the situation and why? 
• What does this remind me of? Is it another situation or a person? 
• How am I like this person? In what ways am I different? 
• Is it possible that other people see me this way, too? Why do I fear that? 
• What can I do to feel better? 
• Can I set healthy boundaries with this situation or person? 
• How can I be more compassionate? 

How do I Stop Projecting?  

If you manage to rein in your projection tendencies, you will be able to better accept your weaknesses and failures. You’ll also be more likely to forgive your partner, criticize them less, and feel more comfortable in your relationship. Here are some concrete steps you can take:  

• Try to detect instances of your own projection and analyze them. 
• Try not to rationalize your behaviors and thoughts.  
• Try mindfulness and meditation. 
• Spend more quality time on your own. 
• Work on your communication skills. 
• Take a step back and question your own thoughts. 
• Learn how to set healthy boundaries. 
• Speak with a relationship coach. 

Visit An Insightful Relationship Coaching Retreat For Singles & Couples 

While some defense mechanisms can be adaptive and beneficial, such as the process of psychological sublimation, others can inflict irreparable damage to both your relationship and overall well-being. If you are looking for ways to change your maladaptive behaviors and take the first step towards becoming a healthy adult, reach out to PIVOT. 

We are here to provide you with deep relationship insights and useful resources via compassionate and informed relationship coaching. Contact us and let us help you on your journey to self-development and emotional balance. 

Have you ever been annoyed by another person’s attempt to justify their unacceptable behavior? That person may have been rationalizing, i.e. using logic as an unconscious attempt to avoid facing their negative or unwanted feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. 

We often rationalize due to being unable to address the underlying reasons for our unfavorable behavior. This helps us avoid guilt and hurt, as well as maintain a semblance of self-respect. 

If you notice yourself rationalizing, don’t fret – rationalization can be harmless, even necessary. However, if you keep deceiving yourself and making excuses, you may find yourself facing an array of issues, from accepting abusive behavior to intimacy avoidance in relationships. 

Keep on reading to find out why we rationalize and what steps you can take to prevent this defense mechanism from wreaking havoc on your personal life. 

What Does Rationalization Mean In Psychology?

By definition, rationalization refers to a defense mechanism in which we give apparently logical reasons to justify or explain our controversial behaviors. This may mean using seemingly plausible means to make unacceptable behaviors tolerable or even admirable. 

You may rationalize in two steps: 

1. You perform an action or make a decision for no apparent reason or for a given reason. 
2. You then use rationalization to justify the action after the fact, trying to make it more tolerable. 

While most people rationalize on a somewhat regular basis, constant rationalization may lead to the encouragement of controversial or irrational behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. The process may be somewhat or fully conscious, where you try to protect yourself from ridicule, or unconscious, where you attempt to avoid unpleasant feelings such as guilt or shame.  

Why Do Humans Rationalize?

You’ve surely caught yourself trying to make yourself feel better after doing something you considered not in alignment with your core values. It’s human nature to attempt to avoid negative feelings and thoughts. This is the main reason why people rationalize – to defend themselves from bad or painful behavior and avoid addressing the underlying causes for it. 

When rationalizing, you may try to distort the facts or find seemingly logical reasons to make things look more acceptable. You may strive to convince both yourself and others that your actions are not that bad, that you deserve understanding. Essentially, rationalization often means making excuses and lying to yourself. 

However, you do deserve understanding. Just because you rationalize, just like most people, doesn’t mean that everything you tell yourself is a lie. In fact, rationalization is often adaptive, as it protects people from unsafe motivations and thoughts. 

Still, it is important to keep an eye out for rationalizing attempts, as they may contribute to a variety of maladaptive behaviors. For instance, they may interfere with your romantic relationships and encourage self-destructive or destructive behaviors. 

How Does Rationalization Work As A Defense Mechanism? 

Rationalization was described by Sigmund Freud as a defense mechanism that comes from the attempts of your ego to make a behavior more acceptable to your superego. Superego, as the part of you that demands moral behavior from you, may protest when you perform an action it deems unacceptable. For this reason, you may consciously or unconsciously try to paint the action in a more positive light, using seemingly sound logic. 

On the other hand, some motivations for your behaviors may just be too painful or uncomfortable for you to face. Your rationalization may be motivated by a traumatic experience you just don’t want to think about. Nevertheless, understanding these motivations is an important step in the healing process. 

While contemporary psychology has abandoned a large majority of Freud’s ideas, some of the defense mechanisms he explained, such as rationalization and repressing unwanted or painful emotions are still widely accepted. 

What’s An Example Of Rationalization?

You can rationalize in an endless variety of ways. Some common examples may include the following statements: 

• “I’m not upset that I wasn’t promoted. I never wanted the responsibility anyway.” 
• “I worked out this morning… I deserve this slice of pizza.” 
• “So what if I fear the dark. Most crimes happen when it’s dark, that’s a fact.” 
• “I must have done something wrong, they wouldn’t treat me like this if I didn’t.” 
• “Ok, I messed up on that exam, but at least I took it.” 
• “He cheated… But at least he told me. I may give him another chance.” 

You’ve probably heard similar statements in your life at least a couple of times. This is because rationalization is quite common, thanks to its ability to disguise itself as an apparently rational way of thinking. 

How Can I Stop Rationalizing And Save My Relationship?

How you prevent rationalization from damaging your relationship often depends on who the person rationalizing is. If your partner is the one doing it, you may try speaking with them or attending a couples’ workshop to help them address their problematic behaviors. However, there may be little you can do to actually change their behavior unless they are willing to work on themselves.

The process would be quite different if you’re the one rationalizing. Naturally, becoming more aware of your rationalization attempts would be the logical first step. Furthermore, you may want to try and explore any underlying reasons for your behavior. 

By understanding why you rationalize and when you make excuses, you may be able to gain deeper insight into your personality and the areas you may want to work on. 

Increase Self-Awareness Through Love Avoidance Coaching At PIVOT 

People use all kinds of defense mechanisms to maintain self-respect, present themselves in a more positive light, and avoid dealing with painful emotions. You might be prone to projecting your negative thoughts on others, run in the opposite direction of your impulses, or even rely on positive mechanisms such as sublimation. No matter which behavior you want to address, you can find support at PIVOT. 

We are a team of dedicated and knowledgeable relationship coaches who can help you and your partner overcome intimacy and trust issues. We’ll help you uncover and understand your childhood wounds and attachment style, as well as provide resources and tools to help you transform into a healthy, balanced adult. Get in touch now. 

We use an array of defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from pain, guilt, and anxiety. You may already know some of your own ways of dealing with intense negative emotions: You might suppress your emotions and hide them from your partner or excessively rationalize your behaviors and attitudes and even sometimes project and blame others for your mistakes. 

All of these behaviors are part of human nature. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t rely on them so much throughout our lives. However, giving your defense mechanisms free rein can be harmful to your wellbeing, as it may lead to an array of intimacy problems in your relationship and damage your social life. 

Awareness is the first step toward overcoming unhealthy defense mechanisms. By understanding why and how you react to certain triggers in your life, you’ll be able to break away from behaviors that no longer serve you. 

What Are The Functions Of Defense Mechanisms?

You rely on defense mechanisms to separate yourself from unpleasant or hurtful thoughts, actions, and events. They are psychological strategies or as we call them at PIVOT – survival patterns, that help you put some distance between yourself and unwanted emotions. Defense mechanisms are often unconscious, hiding just below the surface of your awareness. Although they can be incredibly useful, when defense mechanisms get out of proportion, they can wreak havoc on your emotional life, resulting in obsessions, anxiety, and phobias. 

What Are The Five Common Defense Mechanisms?

There are dozens of defense mechanisms people use to distance themselves from unwanted feelings. Still, some of them are more common than others, such as the following 5 defense mechanisms: 

Rationalization

You’ve probably rationalized your way through a situation at least once or twice in your life. You may have convinced yourself and others that you’re happy with the choice you’ve made, although you knew that’s not really the case. Or you might have snapped at another person and immediately regretted it, yet still tried to explain and make excuses for your behavior. 

By definition, rationalization involves using seemingly logical and rational reasons to justify unacceptable or controversial behaviors and feelings. It is an incredibly common mechanism, and most people are unaware of how often they use it. 

Projection 

It can be difficult to deal with seemingly unacceptable thoughts and feelings. For instance, you may experience unwanted emotions or have traits that you hate about yourself and not know what to do with them. As a defense mechanism, projection aims to displace these feelings and attribute them to other people. 

Reaction formation

When you experience anxiety-inducing impulses and emotions, you may subconsciously rely on reaction formation and exaggerate the unwanted feelings by going in an opposite direction. Imagine this: a teenage boy is attracted to a girl in his class and is unsure what to do with the intense emotions, so he embarasses her infront of other classmates. 

Sublimation 

Sublimation is one of the rare defense mechanisms that are considered to be overwhelmingly positive. You may rely on sublimation to redirect intense emotions into an activity or object that is more appropriate and socially acceptable. For instance, instead of lashing out at your partner, you might take up a creative hobby or start working out. This can be problematic if the initial challenges that get pushed aside continue and go unresolved.  The anger underneath can pop over a period of time if the issues are not addressed. 

Repression 

Seemingly irrational beliefs, painful memories, and unacceptable thoughts can be incredibly upsetting. Out of fear, you may choose not to face them, and instead unconsciously repress them and hide them from yourself and others. However, these thoughts and feelings don’t actually go away. They remain just under the surface, impacting your behaviors and relationships. 

How Can Defense Mechanisms Harm Your Relationship? 

When they go out of hand, defense mechanisms can keep you “safe” in your bubble, preventing you from facing emotional problems and advancing in your emotional life. Unfortunately, repressed emotions and feelings can show up and impact your wellbeing in all kinds of unpleasant ways. 

For example, you may find it difficult to open up to potential partners or withdraw from your existing partner. You may also idealize your partner and get sorely disappointed when they don’t turn out to match your fantasy. You can be in denial of negative occurrences and behaviors, letting them harm you indefinitely and making it harder to break away from unhealthy relationship dynamics. The list goes on. 

Your unconscious defense mechanisms can damage your romantic relationships in many ways, especially if you remain unaware of them. This is why it’s a good idea to learn about common survival strategies and see which ones may apply to you. 

How Do You Break Defense Mechanisms?

Although you may not be able to completely shut off your defense mechanisms, you can take more control over them. Here are some useful tips: 

1. Keep an eye out for red flags in your behaviors and thoughts. 
2. Explore your childhood and personal history to get an understanding of why you do what you do.. 
3. Try not to blame others for your mistakes and circumstances.
4. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. 
5. Don’t run from negative emotions and let yourself cry. 
6. Try consciously going in the opposite direction than what you seem to want. 
7. Practice meditation and mindfulness. 
8. Learn to embrace your emotions instead of pushing them away. 
9. Speak with a relationship coach and learn healthier coping strategies. 

Uncover Your Defense Mechanisms Through Insightful Relationship Intimacy Coaching 

Knowing yourself is the first step towards positive behavioral change, and PIVOT is here to help you take it. We are a team of compassionate, knowledgeable relationship coaches dedicated to helping you heal and thrive. 

One of our clients, Mariah, was surprised with how much she actually learned about herself at PIVOT: “I knew a lot about myself already, but I didn’t know how to manage the knowledge or how to properly repair all these different parts of self. Now I do…I am not perfect at applying all I have learned but I get to be ok today with not being perfect.“ 

This is exactly what we try to do at PIVOT – to help you peel away layers of your personality and help you embrace your experiences and emotions without judgment. It is our goal to help you develop new, healthier strategies for dealing with pain, guilt, and anxiety in your relationships. Contact us now to explore our relationship workshops and retreats. 

When you first find someone you love and who loves you back, it can be easy to overlook some of their behaviors and ways of thinking that you don’t particularly like or agree with. What if, as time passes, you realize that you and your partner have some values that don’t completely align? Can such a relationship work or is it doomed? 

It is true that shared values are one of the most important aspects of building intimacy in a relationship and planning a future together. Stances on religion, morality, politics, or money, in particular, can sometimes make or break a relationship. 

Yet, many relationships succeed even if the two partners do not share all of the same values. In fact, it’s incredibly difficult not to have at least some disagreement about values with any given person. 

However, there may be some “basic” values that need to align for the relationship to work. Read on to find out how important values are and what to do if your partner has different values than you. 

Are Values Important In A Relationship?

Each person brings a set of values to a relationship. If they align with the other person’s values, the relationship may have a more stable foundation and flow more smoothly. 

When looking for someone to spend a good part of your life with, you are likely to seek some common traits, interests, and values. Without at least some overlap in your lifestyle choices, you may find it difficult to maintain the relationship, especially if you start growing apart from your partner because of clashing values. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed if you don’t share all your partner’s values. With open and honest communication, you and your partner can establish a set of your own values as well as overcome any differences you may have. 

Of course, if some of your deepest values aren’t shared by your partner, you may have to evaluate how much such a disagreement would affect the overall success of your relationship. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, and that is okay. 

What Values Are Important In A Relationship?

Each person has their own set of core values that guide them and give them a unique perspective on life. For a relationship to work, some of these values may need to be aligned. Here are some core values that can be particularly important in your relationship. 

Trust 

Trust is essential for setting a strong relationship foundation. If you and your partner trust each other, you will have each other’s backs and be able to overcome many if not all obstacles in your way. Not sharing this core value with your partner can result in various problems and lower relationship satisfaction overall. This is why it is important to work on building trust and intimacy in your relationship. 

Loyalty 

As a core value, loyalty goes hand in hand with trust. Being willing to commit to your partner and be devoted to them is a crucial aspect of any relationship. Without loyalty, you may have a hard time trusting your partner and feel as though you aren’t heard in the relationship. It is safe to say that loyalty and trust are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. 

Family 

Do you dream of getting married and having children? If so, it is quite important that you find a partner who wants the same thing. Let’s say your current partner doesn’t want kids and has no intention of settling down to raise a family. Sure, their feelings may change over time. However, what if they don’t? 

Family values can be critical, as they have to do with ensuring a harmonious and rewarding future for the relationship. If you two have the same expectations about raising a family, you’ll be more likely to feel fulfilled and happy in the long run. 

Lifestyle 

Naturally, you and your partner may not agree on everything. You may not have all of the same interests. Yet, your relationship may benefit from harmonious lifestyle choices, as well as a willingness to make compromises. 

Think about this: you may enjoy the quietness and steadiness of suburban life, yet your partner may feel stuck in such a living arrangement. Or you might want to spend your weekends in a club with your friends while your partner would rather spend a quiet night in. 

Overall, your relationship will be more likely to flourish if you and your partner have aligned lifestyles. 

What Do You Do When Your Partner Has Different Values?

While you may know that it’s possible to overcome some differences in values, actually doing so can be much harder. If your partner disagrees with you on many of your core values, you may have to make a whole lot of compromises to make things work. 

Remember that it’s normal to have some differences in your relationship. What is important is that you respect each other and communicate openly on your issues. While it may not be easy, it is not impossible. And if both of you are willing to work together on your future, having some clashing values may not be such a big problem after all. On the flip side, if you decide that the differences are too crucial to be overcome, going your separate ways may be the better option for both of you. 

Deepen Relationship Intimacy Through Coaching & Couple Exercises

Discussing your relationship problems with a compassionate, knowledgeable coach can be of great help in maintaining a healthy bond between you and your partner. At PIVOT, we work with individuals and couples to help them overcome their differences and let go of relationship patterns that no longer serve them. 

Explore our individual coaching opportunities or attend one of our client-focused relationship workshops to begin your journey to positive behavioral change. PIVOT is here to provide guidance and support no matter what relational problems you may be experiencing. Reach out today. 

Do you feel like you just can’t have enough affection? Do you feel like you’re starving for physical touch?

If you do, know that it is entirely natural. In fact, it’s a human need. Humans are wired to have a deep longing for physical contact. Our need for physical affection with human beings is rooted in our biology, as touch and close connections with others is of huge importance in our overall well-being, mental health, and survival.

Being touch starved is also known as touch deprivation or skin hunger and it is more common than you think. This phenomenon can result from various factors, such as social isolation, personal circumstances, or even cultural norms that discourage physical affection.

However, aside from being touch starved, extreme craving for affection, whether physical or emotional, can sometimes indicate an overdependence on other people for ensuring your own wellbeing. It can even indicate love addiction, i.e. attachment dysregulation. This form of craving may stem from unmet emotional needs, childhood trauma, or attachment issues, causing an individual to seek excessive validation and support from external sources.

If you find yourself constantly thinking, ‘I just really want to be loved with affection’ and feel like you cannot function without it, keep on reading to find out why that may be the case and how you can learn to regulate your emotions. In the following sections, we will explore the potential causes behind your intense craving for affection, as well as strategies for fostering self-reliance, self-love, and healthier emotional regulation in your relationships.

Why Do I Crave Affection?

The Need For Intimacy

The first and the most obvious reason why you may crave affection is because you don’t have enough of it in your life. Some people tend to experience this due to a lack of close relationships, the absence of a romantic partner, or simply not having a strong support network of friends and family. You may crave someone and be feeling lost and lonely for a while, without anybody to provide you with the physical and emotional connection, and intimacy. Many people experienced this during the recent pandemic, which led to increased isolation, feelings of loneliness and limited opportunities for social interaction.

Aside from longing for touch, an intense craving for love and affection can also happen for other reasons. Some individuals may have a naturally higher need for affection and emotional support, leading them to feel unfulfilled even when they have seemingly positive relationships. You may actually have people in your life who love and care for you, and you still can’t satisfy your cravings. In this case, your need for affection may represent something deeper. This could include unresolved emotional issues from your past, such as childhood trauma or neglect, which can create a persistent need for validation and connection.

Low Self Esteem and the Need for External Validation

Additionally, craving affection may be a result of low self-esteem or self-worth, causing you to feel worthless and to seek external validation as a way to feel more secure in yourself. When you don’t feel confident or worthy of love, you may become reliant on others to provide the reassurance and validation that you’re unable to give yourself. This strong desire for affirmation can lead to an unhealthy cycle where you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself, rather than cultivating a strong sense of self-worth from within.

Building self-worth involves recognizing your own value, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to be kind to yourself. By developing a more positive self-image, you can reduce the need for external validation and ultimately create more balanced, fulfilling relationships. This may involve engaging in self-care practices, setting achievable goals, celebrating your successes in healthy ways, and surrounding yourself with supportive people who uplift and encourage you.

When You Grow Up Without Affection

People who experience intense love cravings often lacked appropriate affection in their childhood. This could be due to parents or caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful, leading to an inability to form secure attachments. Different attachment styles, such as secure, anxious, avoidant, and ambivalent, can significantly influence one’s need for affection and relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, these people may go through life feeling as though they do not deserve love, and still desire to be held, feel validated, feel loved, and appreciated. This can cause them to seek self-love through other people, trying to heal their wounds and make up for the lack of affection.

Insecure Attachment

However, craving affection and love can also arise from attachment dysregulation, or love addiction, involving obsessive behaviors towards another person. This condition is characterized by a strong and persistent need for love and affection, often leading to unhealthy, codependent relationships.It tends to arise from survival patterns developed in childhood or a particularly stressful situation in your life where you had to learn to tolerate feelings of neglect and abandonment. In some cases, attachment dysregulation can also be triggered by trauma or other significant life events that challenge one’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.

If you tend to feel like other people don’t love you enough, fear that they may leave you, or experience anxiety over your romantic relationship, it may be the case that you’re dealing with attachment dysregulation that requires your attention. Understanding your own attachment style and how it impacts your relationships can be a crucial part of addressing this issue.Seeking professional help, such as PIVOT’s relationship coaching, can be a valuable step in addressing these issues and developing healthier attachment patterns. This process may involve exploring your past experiences, understanding your attachment style, and learning strategies to build secure and fulfilling connections with others.

What Are The Characteristics Of People Who Crave Love? 

People who experience intense cravings for love often have the following characteristics: 

• Obsession with love and affection: Do you experience obsessive thinking about affection? To the point that you sometimes feel like nothing else matters? People who want to be loved and crave affection often can’t let it come naturally and get anxious when they do not receive it. This fixation on love can lead to an inability to focus on other aspects of life, such as work, hobbies, or personal growth. 
• Controlling behaviors: Craving love can also make you exhibit controlling and possessive behavior towards those who show you love and affection. This may be a mechanism for avoiding pain and abandonment. Such behaviors can strain relationships and create an unhealthy dynamic, where the person who craves love tries to control their partner’s actions and emotions to ensure they won’t leave or withdraw affection.
• Demanding and begging affection: Similarly, if affection holds the most important place in your life, you may be prone to demanding it from other people. Or you may beg for them to give you the love you desperately need, which can be considered a state of limerence. This intense longing for love and connection can put undue pressure on relationships and make it difficult for partners to meet the high expectations set by those who crave love.
• Trust issues: Those who experienced abandonment or neglect may find it exceedingly difficult to trust another human being and develop lasting relationships. They may be suspicious, constantly expecting ulterior motives, conspiracies, and hidden agendas out of fear of getting hurt. This lack of trust can cause a person to question the sincerity and loyalty of their partner, leading to frequent misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.
• Accepting toxic behaviors: Unfortunately, those who lack affection may have a tendency to accept abusive behaviors from those they bond with. They may also struggle with differentiating between disagreements and an abusive situation. This vulnerability can make them more likely to stay in unhealthy relationships, believing that any form of affection is better than none. As a result, they may endure emotional, physical, or verbal abuse, further damaging their self-esteem and ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

What Do You Do When You Crave Affection?

Learning about yourself and why you’ve grown to obsessively crave affection and attention is a good first step towards building a healthy relationship. This self-exploration can involve reflecting on your past experiences, understanding your attachment style, and identifying the underlying reasons for your intense need for physical touch. You may try to do this on your own or speak with an insightful relationship coach who can help you understand your own needs and begin to heal your wounds.

Through self-love and acceptance, you will begin to rely less on receiving affection from others and more on yourself for affection, and begin to build a healthier foundation for future relationships.

A few strategies to cultivate self-love and acceptance include:

1. Practicing self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when experiencing difficult emotions. Recognize that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes.

2. Setting healthy boundaries: Establish limits in your relationships to protect your emotional and mental well-being. This can help you avoid becoming overly dependent on others for affection and validation.

3. Engaging in self-care: Prioritize activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental health, such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies that bring you joy and happiness.

4. Developing a strong support network: Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who encourage your personal growth and help you feel valued and cared for.

5. Challenging negative self-talk: Identify and challenge self-defeating thoughts and negative feelings that contribute to low self-worth or feelings of unworthiness.

By taking these steps to nurture self-love and acceptance, you can gradually reduce your reliance on external sources of affection and develop a more balanced approach to relationships, fostering healthier connections with others.

How Do I Stop Craving Love And Affection?

Luckily, there are numerous ways to curb your love cravings and depend less on other people. Here are some tips: 

1. List Your Favorite Hobbies

Ask yourself: what do you enjoy doing on your own? What makes you happy? Make a list of hobbies and interests you enjoy, no matter what they may be. Acknowledge them and think about what else you’d like to try. Engaging in these hobbies can provide a sense of personal fulfillment, happiness, and self-sufficiency, reducing your need for validation and affection from others.

2. Think About What You Love About Yourself

Write down what you like about yourself, whether it’s physical or more related to your character. What is good about you? Are you kind, compassionate, or reliable? Or are you rational, driven, and responsible? No matter what it is, focus your attention on the positive aspects of your personality instead of poring over your faults. Regularly reflecting on your strengths and accomplishments can help you build genuine love for yourself, while boosting your self-esteem and making you feel more secure in your own worth, without relying on external sources of validation.

3. Improve What You Can

Think about what you can and cannot change in your life. Improve the things you can control, and make peace with those you can’t. Let’s say you’d like to be better at your job and can’t control how your boss treats you. In that case, you’d work hard to improve your skills and build healthy boundaries in the workplace. Then, move on to another job – if need be – after you learn how to be your own advocate in the workplace. Focusing on personal growth and self-improvement can empower you and foster a sense of self-reliance, diminishing your need for love and affection from others.

4. Take It Slow

Rebuilding confidence and learning to love yourself is a slow, gradual process. Try not to pressure yourself into changing and focus on each step at a time. Doing everything at once can overwhelm you and even cause you to abandon your journey entirely. Instead, work on yourself and your relationships one step at a time and give yourself space to heal. Acknowledge that self-improvement is a lifelong journey, and progress may not always be linear. Celebrate your achievements along the way, and be patient with yourself as you navigate the ups and downs of personal growth.

Learn To Deal With Love Addiction At A PIVOT Retreat

At PIVOT, we use our vast experience and knowledge to help individuals like you on their journeys to heal childhood wounds, build healthier relationships, and reach a level of emotional intimacy that you desire. Whether you feel like you aren’t heard in your relationship, fear that you may be growing apart from your partner, or need help dealing with relationship guilt, we are the ones to call. Our team of dedicated professionals is committed to providing personalized support, tailored to your unique needs and circumstances.

Experience our well-crafted relationship retreats or make use of our individual coaching sessions to begin your healing journey. Our relationship retreats offer immersive, transformative experiences, designed to help you and your partner reconnect, rediscover, and rejuvenate your relationship. In our individual coaching sessions, you’ll work one-on-one with a skilled coach who will help you identify and address the underlying issues contributing to your love cravings and relationship challenges.

We are here to listen and guide you towards self-love, acceptance, and peace. By partnering with PIVOT, you can feel confident that you’re taking a significant step towards personal growth and building more satisfying, fulfilling relationships. Let us support you on this journey, providing you with the tools, resources, and guidance necessary to create lasting change in your life.

Love, care, support, respect, and joy are only some of the amazing ways healthy relationships enrich our lives. They give us that feeling of walking slightly above ground on a thin-but-firm layer of confidence that makes every step we take, even through trials and tribulations, secure, resolute, and easy. 

Then, one day, you trip slightly. Another day, you find it a bit harder to overcome a daily hurdle. You talk to your partner, the response is there, yet it seems as if emanating from farther away than it used to. A thought crosses your mind, one of a widening gap between two once inseparable souls, only for it to be quickly erased by your subconscious. 

And so, the gap widens, and the ravine deepens. The days of stumbles become more frequent, and the hurdles become more and more difficult to overcome. And that’s when it hits you – your partner is so far away you can hardly see them anymore, and the other relationship problems and their solutions fade in sheer awe of this gap. Don’t despair, this too can be fixed. 

What Does It Mean To Grow Apart In A Relationship?

The simplest, as well as the most accurate way to describe two people in a relationship who are slowly becoming more and more distant is that they simply do not enjoy each other’s company as much as they did before. However, such a description fails to paint a clear picture of the emotional and psychological problems growing apart can cause for both partners.

Once upon a time, it would seem you could not get enough of each other. You wanted to spend every waking moment together, enjoying each other and shared activities. There were smiles all around, fun, excitement, love, and care. It’s almost impossible to identify when exactly you started to drift apart. 

Perhaps it was that one time when you decided not to go out together. Or when you decided to watch that TV show at different times of day. Maybe work and daily responsibilities got in the way and your conflicting schedules made it too hard to find some quality time together. It could have been some of it, all of it, or none of it. 

It’s important to know the reasons, even though the reasons may seem unimportant and trivial.  What’s all-encompassing is the gaping hole between you two staring back from the abyss where once was togetherness. And that’s what hurts the most. That’s what growing apart is and what makes it so unimaginably difficult to cope with. 

Is It Normal For Couples To Grow Apart?

Relationships are rarely ideal, as few or no things in life are. Unfortunately, we, as individuals, are flawed, and all of us come with our own emotional baggage that we introduce into our relationships. All this can affect our relationships in different ways and one of those ways is growing apart with our partner. 

If you start to notice you and your significant other becoming more and more distant, the first reaction is emotional pain followed by doubt on whether or not you are destined to remain together. 

Perhaps you’re thinking that the growing distance between you is a sign of your innate incompatibility. And that’s normal. Doubt is normal, pain because of your distance is normal, the emotional toll is real and the psychological consequences are difficult to bear. 

It’s tough looking at your partner and simply not feeling the same connection you once did. It’s even more difficult knowing that your partner is feeling the same. Matters of the heart are hard, especially if there is a ravine where once was closeness. 

On the one hand, you and your partner going through periods of less than complete togetherness is quite normal. As individuals, we experience different periods during our lives, and it’s only normal for our relationships to experience similar fluctuations over time.

On the other hand, allowing the gap between you and your partner to become larger by not addressing each other’s problems and not working together on resolving them can lead to more severe consequences that will only leave you farther apart than you would like.

What Are The Signs Of Growing Apart?

To be able to prevent the distance between you and your partner from growing means to be able to recognize the early signs of drifting apart and working on your relationship. Here are some common signs of couples slowly and surely distancing themselves from each other: 

• You notice you and your partner pay less and less attention to each other.
• It’s better to spend time away from your partner than together. 
• You’re struggling to maintain physical contact and intimacy. 
• You’re starting to develop trust issues with your partner. 
• Your emotional intimacy is also becoming a problem.
• You’ve started keeping secrets from each other. 
• You spend less and less time communicating. 
• You’re no longer each other’s best friend. 
• It seems you are constantly disagreeing. 

How Do You Fix A Relationship That’s Growing Apart?

As excruciating as it can feel to know you and your partner are growing apart, that doesn’t mean there’s no way to turn back to where you once were. “The way we were” can be the way you are once more, especially if you are honest, open up, and try some of the following: 

• Take the first step and share your innermost feelings.
• Start spending more and more time together by making it a priority.
• Be spontaneous, do something unexpected and special together in addition to your attempt to ‘date” again.
• Engage in actual physical contact more often.
• The small things like “hellos” and “goodbyes” can go a long way.
• Don’t be afraid to reminisce about the “good old days”.
• Make each other a priority, not other things.
• Stop complaining and start praising instead.
• Try not to constantly argue and put each other down. 
• Stop playing the blame game. 
• Address your issues and work through them. 

Join the PIVOT Private Couple Retreat For Reconnection to Resolve Your Problems 

Growing apart, unaware of the gap forming between you and your partner, is one thing. However, becoming aware of the distance between you, identifying the ever-widening gorge forming between two people in a relationship is when it gets really tough. Realization brings pain, despair, and possibly guilt, as well as the underlying desire to bridge this gap. 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Here, that first step is attempting to understand the reasons behind you and your partner growing apart. Are you experiencing different communication problems? Is there some type of emotional abuse present? Are you or your partner finding it hard to open up to each other?

Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re unable to admit what the reasons behind this distance are. Sometimes, being honest with yourself and your partner is far from easy. That is why PIVOT relationship advocates are here for you. By participating in our individual workshops, as well as being part of our group retreat for couples, we’ll help you find closeness with your partner again.