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Losing attraction to a partner can feel like a punch to the gut. Maybe your sex drives don’t sync anymore, or conversations feel flat. Perhaps a trust issue has left you disconnected. Whatever the cause, it’s normal for attraction to ebb in long-term relationships—it doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love. Psychologically, our brains shift from the fiery dopamine of new romance to the steady serotonin of companionship. The good news? You can reignite that spark with intentional steps, like rebuilding emotional intimacy or trying new experiences together.

Regardless of the underlying cause for losing attraction to a partner, the most effective way to reignite the spark is through relationship intimacy coaching. Intimacy is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship between individuals. It involves a deep connection characterized by emotional closeness, trust, and the sharing of personal information. A skilled coach can help you identify the reasons for the loss of attraction and provide actionable steps to help you regain it.

Here, we’ll discuss why loss of attraction may happen and what to do about it.

Losing Physical Attraction to a Partner

When a romantic relationship starts, there is usually a magnetic attraction to your partner. Everything feels new, every kiss is fresh and full of passion, and it seems as though the raw physical attraction will never disappear.

Here are some key aspects of intimacy:

• Emotional closeness: Intimacy involves a strong emotional bond and understanding between people.
• Self-disclosure: It often includes sharing private thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and emotionally meaningful experiences.
• Vulnerability: Being intimate means allowing another person to see sides of you that you don’t always show to the world, including your vulnerabilities.
• Trust and safety: Intimacy develops in an environment where individuals feel safe and accepted.
• Physical closeness: While not always sexual, intimacy can involve physical closeness and affection

However, that kind of initial allure is, realistically, not sustainable in the long term. It is completely normal for feelings that you have for your partner to shift as the relationship progresses – often going from the raw desire of new love to a more settled, comfortable love. 

Unfortunately, losing attraction to a partner feels like turning the faucet too far in the opposite direction. The flames of long-term relationships are expected to subside, but when they are completely extinguished, it is hard for partners to stay connected. This lost attraction doesn’t necessarily signal the end of the relationship, but it does require effort to rekindle the connection. Understanding your and your partner’s emotions and well-being can deeply shape how you feel attraction toward each other.

Relationships require work, even in the intimacy department. That is why you should address losing attraction to a partner with relationship coaching sessions that can help you open up, get to the root cause, and come up with actionable solutions.

Why People Lose Attraction to Their Partner and What to Do About It

Reason	Prevention Tips
Harbored anger	Communicate anger as soon as possible Learn to talk things out in a productive way Make sure you are both “fighting fair” Learn to let go of resentments through communication Apologize when you’ve upset your partner
Communication deterioration	Set aside at least 15 minutes a day to connect Use “I feel” statements Don’t expect your partner to read your mind Ask open-ended questions
Failure to share activities	Have at least one hobby you do together Try to plan regular date nights Be curious and supportive about your partner’s hobbies
Boredom	Try new things together – a new restaurant, weekend trip, or hobby can reignite the spark Try new things individually – it’ll give you interesting stories to tell around the dinner table
Merged identities	Maintain your friendships outside your relationship Cultivate things that are just yours, whether that be a hobby, interest, or group of friends Take care of yourself so you can show up as your best self in the relationship

Losing Sexual Attraction to a Partner

You can definitely be in love even when physical attraction and sexual desire are waning. Love and attraction are two separate things, and while it’s great when they go together, it’s not a complete deal breaker if you’re no longer physically attracted to your partner as you once were.

It’s common for two people who love each other to lose some physical attractiveness over time. Despite no longer being as physically attracted as they once were, this is not the end of the world, and it can definitely get better if the partners are willing to do the relationship work honestly. You just need to admit it, talk about it, and start resolving it.

You can always try emotional intimacy coaching sessions with professional relationship coaches. These sessions can help you and your partner communicate your feelings, resolve potential resentments, and reignite the spark.

Can You Regain Attraction for Someone?

You can definitely reignite the passion in your current relationship! Here are a few things you can try to rekindle the flame of intimacy. 

How to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

Method	How it Helps
Take care of yourself	Try to take care of yourself! Your own emotional problems might be causing a loss of attraction between you and your partner. Be honest with yourself about your own life issues. Stress, mental health issues, physical health, or baggage from your past can all affect your relationship.
Redefine attraction	There are many different ways to be attracted to your partner, and attraction is more than skin deep. Emotional and intellectual attraction can also spark intimacy. Changes in physical appearance can impact sexual attraction over time, but deeper and more meaningful qualities should also be considered
Remember the good times and reconnect	Don’t just focus on the now, go back in time a bit and try to remember what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place. If you’ve started to lose emotional and mental connection to your partner, you should work on reestablishing those connections.
Seek thrills	Go on adventures together to introduce some excitement to your relationship. Focus on ways to bring novelty and freshness outside of your sex life.
Learn your partner’s love language	All individuals have preferences in the way they like to be loved. Some enjoy acts of service or physical contact, while some like words of affirmation. Try to translate your feelings into your partner’s language. Plan a date night that incorporates both of your love languages.
Nurture your independence	Don’t harbor resentment if your partner is not able to meet all your emotional needs. It’s unrealistic to expect them to do so. Cultivate friendships and interests outside of your relationship.
Try relationship coaching	Experienced relationship coaches can help you and your partner realign and reconnect by working on communication issues and providing a path forward.

There are many things you can try in order to regain attraction to someone. Many people think that as time passes and the attraction is gone, so is the love. Often partners are disillusioned to realize that they don’t stay forever in the honeymoon phase. They may jump from relationship to relationship and they are quick to give up once they realize they have become less attracted to their partners.

The truth is that intimacy requires work. If both partners are committed to that work, your relationship will go the distance, especially with the guidance of a relationship coach to support you and your partner on your journey.

The Best Relationship Intimacy Coaching Is With PIVOT

It can be very emotionally draining to notice that you’re less attracted to your partner or that your partner may not be feeling attracted to you. The first step in reigniting the old flame is to try to understand what is going on between the two of you in relational dynamics and emotional intimacy. Only once you become aware of the reason can you start working on the solution.

One of the best ways to deal with losing attraction to a partner is to try relationship intimacy coaching. At PIVOT, we organize specialized relationship retreats and workshops, and we also arrange individual sessions with a team of seasoned relationship coaches.

We can work with you either individually or as a couple. If you are troubled by losing attraction to a partner, PIVOT offers accessible relationship coaching for individuals and couples as well as intensive, personalized relationship retreats. Reach out at 1-855-452-0707 for help reviving the intimacy in your relationship.

Research suggests that emotions play a crucial role in shaping our experiences and behavior in daily life and they play a BIG role in how we show up in relationships. Emotions are psychological states that involve subjective feelings, physiological changes, and behavioral responses. They can be triggered by various internal and external factors, including events, people, and circumstances. At PIVOT, we don’t view emotions as good or bad.

Emotions Are Important In Daily Life For Several Reasons

First, they help us interpret and respond to our environment. Basic emotions provide us with valuable information about the world around us, enabling us to identify and respond appropriately to different situations. For example, feeling fear in response to a perceived threat can prompt us to take action to protect ourselves, while feeling joy in response to positive news can motivate us to pursue further opportunities for happiness and connection.

Second, basic emotions are a fundamental aspect of human communication. They allow us to express ourselves and convey our thoughts, feelings, and intentions to others. For instance, we can use facial expressions, vocal intonation, and body language to communicate our emotions to others, helping to build social connections and build relationships.

Third, emotions are closely tied to motivation and goal-directed behavior. The desire to experience certain emotions, such as happiness or love, can motivate us to pursue particular activities or goals.

Conversely, the avoidance of what some perceive as negative emotion, such as anger, can also drive our behavioral responses and decision-making.

The truth is anger, fear, guilt, etc., are not necessarily negative emotions.

For example, anger can prompt us to have crucial conversations. At PIVOT, we call these invitations to communicate effectively so people don’t just make quick decisions that can affect them long term.

As stated above, fear can prompt us to take action to protect ourselves and those we love.

Guilt can prompt us to lean into forgiveness and let go of what otherwise could lead to self-destructive behavior.

What’s the Difference Between Emotions and Feelings?

Emotions and feelings are often used interchangeably, but there is a subtle difference between the two.

Emotions refer to a complex psychological and physiological response to an external stimulus, such as an event, a person, or a situation. Emotions are typically short-lived and automatic, and they often involve physical sensations, such as increased heart rate, sweating, and changes in facial expression.

For some, emotions can hijack your nervous system and take you full force into an emotional storm that can wreak havoc in relationships if not managed and tolerated in the given moments.

Feelings, on the other hand, are more subjective and often longer-lasting than emotions. They refer to the conscious experience of emotional states and can be influenced by personal beliefs, thoughts, and memories. Understanding feelings is essential for self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Unlike emotions, feelings are not always linked to a specific event or stimulus, and they can be triggered by internal as well as external factors.

What are Examples of Some Emotions and Their Definitions?

1. Happiness – Any state of being, having considerable permanence, in which pleasure decidedly predominates over pain
2. Sadness – Experiencing loss/sorrow 
3. Anger – A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence brought on by something bad
4. Fear – Impending danger
5. Disgust – To cause extreme dislike
6. Surprise – Sudden feeling of astonishment
7. Love – Affection for another person
8. Joy – Great delight
9. Excitement – To arouse or stir up
10. Guilt – A sense of wrongdoing

Types of Emotional Responses And Related Behavior

The experience of responses that are emotional is a human characteristic that occurs in reaction to specific events or situations. Major emotions, which include primary emotions, play a significant role in these emotional experiences. The emotional experience that people have in being on the receiving end of these specific events or situations can cause reactions that create connection and also create confusions and conflict.

For instance, people may experience great joy, a major emotion, when receiving positive news, or feel fear, another major emotion, when faced with a threat. The influence of major emotions is significant in shaping daily life, including decision-making processes that are influenced by one’s level of joy or anger.

Often, the motivation behind a particular activity is the emotion it elicits, especially when it comes to major emotions.

Therefore, comprehending emotions, particularly major emotions, is vital for navigating life in a more composed manner. These can be broadly categorized into three categories: primary, secondary, and mixed emotions.

Primary or Basic Emotions

Primary emotions are considered the fundamental or basic emotions that all human beings experience. These emotions include happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust. Primary emotions are considered universal, meaning they are expressed and recognized across cultures and languages.

They are closely related to behavior, as they can influence the way individuals act and react in various situations. These basic emotions are typically automatic and immediate, and they can trigger physiological and behavioral responses that help individuals respond to different situations.

Here are some examples basic emotions:

• Fear can trigger a “fight or flight” response, causing individuals to either confront the source of the fear or flee from it.
• Anger can motivate individuals to take action in response to a perceived injustice or threat.
• Happiness can encourage individuals to engage in activities that promote well-being and pleasure.

Primary emotions can also influence social behavior, as they are often communicated through facial expressions, vocal intonation, and body language.

For instance, a smile is a universal expression of happiness, while a furrowed brow is a common expression of anger or concern. Facial expressions are often misunderstood. Like a furrowed brow might just be a feeling of confusion for some. However, there are common expressions, vocal intonations, and body language that are indeed universal.

Moreover, primary emotions can influence decision-making and problem-solving by shaping an individual’s priorities and preferences.

For instance, a person experiencing intense feelings of fear may prioritize finding safety over other concerns, while a person experiencing joy may prioritize pursuing activities that bring them pleasure.

Secondary or Complex Emotions

Secondary emotions, also known as complex emotions, are a blend of primary emotions. Examples of secondary emotions include guilt, shame, envy, and jealousy. These emotions involve a more complex cognitive appraisal of a situation, such as evaluating the fairness of a situation or judging the actions of oneself or others.

Unlike primary emotions that are often automatic and instinctive, secondary emotions require a more complex cognitive appraisal of a situation and involve a deeper level of introspection.

Complex emotions can play a significant role in behavior by influencing decision-making, problem-solving, and social interactions.

For example, guilt and shame are secondary emotions that are associated with a sense of responsibility or accountability for one’s actions. These emotions can motivate individuals to make amends, apologize, or take corrective action to rectify a situation.

Similarly, envy and jealousy are secondary emotions that are often associated with social comparison and competition. These emotions can motivate individuals to strive for success or work harder to achieve a particular goal.

However, complex emotions can also have negative effects on behavior.

For instance, excessive guilt or shame can lead to self-blame, low self-esteem, and at times, severe self-destructive behavior. Jealousy or envy can lead to resentment and interpersonal conflicts.

Mixed Emotions

Mixed emotions refer to the experience of two or more primary or secondary emotions simultaneously. For example, a person may feel happy and sad at the same time, such as when attending a bittersweet event like a graduation or a funeral. Mixed emotions can also occur when there is conflict between primary or secondary emotions, such as feeling both anger and guilt after having an argument with a loved one.

Mixed emotions can influence behavior in a number of ways.

For example, mixed emotions can lead to indecision or uncertainty, as individuals may struggle to prioritize or balance conflicting emotions. They can also lead to a sense of emotional turmoil or inner conflict, which can be distressing or unsettling.

Mixed emotions can also influence social behavior by shaping communication and interpersonal relationships.

For example, when individuals experience mixed emotions during a conversation, they may have difficulty expressing themselves clearly or empathizing with the other person’s perspective. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

However, mixed emotions can also have positive effects on behavior.

For example, when individuals experience mixed emotions in response to a challenging or complex situation, it can lead to more nuanced thinking and problem-solving. And, great conversations if both individuals have a higher level of emotional intelligence.

Mixed emotions can also lead to greater empathy and understanding in social relationships, as individuals learn to navigate conflicting emotions and perspectives.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to effectively manage and modulate one’s emotional responses in different situations. It involves the capacity to recognize and understand one’s own basic emotions, as well as the emotions of others, and to respond in a way that is appropriate and adaptive.

Emotional regulation involves a range of cognitive and behavioral strategies that can be used to manage emotions, including reappraisal, distraction, suppression, and problem-solving. For example, individuals may use reappraisal to reframe a situation in a more positive light, or distraction to shift their attention away from a negative stimulus.

Effective emotional regulation is important for mental health and well-being, as it can help individuals to reduce stress and anxiety, improve social relationships, and make informed decisions. Conversely, poor emotional regulation can lead to negative outcomes such as emotional dysregulation, interpersonal conflicts, and impaired decision-making.

Emotional regulation can be developed and improved through various techniques such as mindfulness meditation, the PIVOT Process, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and other forms of psychotherapy.

With practice, individuals can learn to regulate their emotions effectively and respond to situations in a way that promotes their overall health and well-being.

Importance of Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is crucial for our mental and physical health and well-being.

Here are some reasons why emotional regulation is important:

1. Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Emotionally regulating our responses to stressors can help us reduce our levels of stress and anxiety. This can, in turn, improve our physical health and lower our risk of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and diabetes.
2. Improved Relationships: Emotionally regulated individuals tend to have more positive relationships with others. They are better equipped to manage interpersonal conflicts and communicate effectively with others, which can lead to more fulfilling and supportive social relationships.
3. Better Decision Making: Emotionally regulated individuals are better equipped to make informed decisions. They are less likely to make impulsive decisions based on their emotions, and are better able to think critically and problem-solve effectively.
4. Enhanced Cognitive Functioning: Emotional regulation can improve our cognitive functioning, including our attention, memory, and reasoning skills. This can improve our overall academic and occupational performance.
5. Improved Mental Health: Effective emotional regulation can reduce the risk of developing mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety. It can also improve the outcomes of mental health treatment for those who do experience such disorders.

Techniques For Emotional Regulation

Techniques for emotional regulation are cognitive and behavioral strategies that can be used to manage and modulate these responses in different situations.

Here are some examples of techniques for emotional regulation:

1. Mindfulness: Being present in the moment and accepting our emotions without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, individuals can learn to observe their emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
2. Cognitive Reframing: This involves challenging negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and our situations. This can help us to reframe our perspective in a more positive or realistic way, reducing negative emotional responses.
3. Deep Breathing: Taking slow, deep breaths to calm the body and reduce physiological arousal. This can help to reduce feelings of stress and anxiety.
4. Problem-Solving: These techniques involve identifying and addressing the underlying causes of negative emotions. By developing effective problem-solving skills, individuals can reduce the likelihood of experiencing negative emotions in the future.
5. Social Support: This is about seeking out and connecting with supportive individuals in our lives, such as family members, friends, or mental health professionals. This can provide a sense of validation and connection, reducing negative emotional responses.
6. Physical Exercise: This has been shown to have a positive impact on emotional regulation. Exercise can reduce feelings of stress and anxiety and promote a sense of well-being.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It involves being able to use emotional information to guide thought and behavior, and to communicate effectively with others in a variety of social situations. Emotional intelligence is an important aspect of personal and social competence, and can be developed and improved with practice and self-reflection. Individuals with high levels of emotional intelligence are often more successful in their personal and professional lives, and are better able to manage stress, build strong relationships, and navigate complex social situations.

Our #Healthy Adult process that we help people pivot into is a great example of how learning how to manage and tolerate your own feelings and know how to navigate the landscape of emotions can create a higher level of emotional intelligence. This process is unique to each of you and based on your personal and family of origin storyline.

The Importance Of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is an important aspect of personal and social development, and has a range of benefits for individuals in their personal and professional lives.

Here are some of the key reasons why emotional intelligence is important:

1. Better Communication: Emotional intelligence allows individuals to communicate more effectively with others. By understanding and managing their emotions, individuals are better able to express themselves in a clear and appropriate manner, and to understand and respond to the emotions of others.
2. Stronger Relationships: Emotional intelligence can help individuals build stronger, more positive relationships with others. By being attuned to the emotions of others and responding in an empathetic and compassionate way, individuals can establish trust, build rapport, and create deeper connections with those around them.
3. Improved Conflict Resolution: Individuals with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to manage conflicts and navigate difficult interpersonal situations. By understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others, they can communicate more effectively and find solutions that are mutually beneficial.
4. Greater Resilience: Emotional intelligence can help individuals cope with stress and adversity. By understanding and managing their emotions, individuals can develop greater resilience and adaptability, and can bounce back more quickly from setbacks and challenges.
5. Increased Success: Emotional intelligence is an important predictor of success in many areas of life, including personal relationships, education, and the workplace. Individuals with high levels of emotional intelligence are often more successful in their careers, more effective leaders, and better able to achieve their goals.

Strategies For Developing Emotional Intelligence

There are a number of strategies that individuals can use to develop their emotional intelligence.

Here are some of the most effective:

1. Self-reflection: Developing emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. By reflecting on your own emotions, triggers, and reactions, you can begin to understand your own emotional patterns and learn to manage them more effectively. This can be challenging for some individuals who are feeling an overwhelming sense of unworthiness and neglect. PIVOT coaching can help with this.
2. Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can help you become more present and aware of your thoughts and emotions. This can help you develop greater emotional self-awareness and learn to manage your emotions more effectively. Meditation can be challenging for some and there are some great free apps available that can help you begin with only 5-10 minutes a day!  Yoga and walking outdoors are also excellent options.
3. Active Listening: Active listening involves paying close attention to what others are saying and responding in an empathetic and supportive way. By practicing active listening, you can improve your ability to understand and respond to the emotions of others.
4. Empathy: Developing empathy involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and understanding their perspective and emotions. By practicing empathy, you can build stronger relationships and communicate more effectively with others. It is hard to find empathy when someone is feeling betrayed. We can help with this.
5. Managing Stress: Learning to manage stress and develop greater resilience is an important part of emotional intelligence. Strategies for managing stress include exercise, relaxation techniques, and developing healthy coping mechanisms. Life experiences can bring about many feelings of stress. Financial fear, parenting, health, and the list goes on. Getting help with a PIVOT coach to understand and create a plan to help make your life more manageable can be a tremendous help in managing stress.
6. Seeking Feedback: Seeking feedback from others can help you understand how your emotions and behavior are perceived by others, and can help you identify areas for improvement.
7. Continuous Learning: Developing emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. By seeking out opportunities for personal and professional development, such as PIVOT coaching, you can continue to build your emotional intelligence over time.

Summary of Key Points on Emotions

• Emotions are complex psychological and physiological responses to internal and external stimuli.
• Primary emotions are universal, innate, and biologically-based, while secondary and mixed emotions are more complex and depend on individual experiences and interpretations.
• Emotions play a crucial role in our daily lives, influencing our thoughts, behavior, and decision-making.
• Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control our emotions in a healthy and productive way, and is important for mental and physical well-being.
• Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others, and is associated with greater success in personal and professional relationships.
• Strategies for developing emotional intelligence include self-reflection, mindfulness, active listening, empathy, stress management, seeking feedback, and continuous learning.

Recap on Understanding Emotions and Emotional Responses

Emotions and their responses can have a number of implications in our personal and professional lives.

Here are some of the key implications:

1. Improved communication: Understanding emotions can improve our ability to communicate with others. By recognizing and responding appropriately to the emotional signals of others, we can build stronger relationships and resolve conflicts more effectively.
2. Better decision-making: Emotions play a significant role in our decision-making, and understanding our emotional responses can help us make better decisions. By recognizing and managing our emotions, we can make more rational and objective choices.
3. Enhanced self-awareness: Understanding these responses can lead to greater self-awareness, which can help us understand our strengths and weaknesses and make positive changes in our lives.
4. Improved mental health: Emotional regulation is essential for good mental health. By understanding our emotions and developing healthy ways to manage them, we can reduce stress and anxiety and improve our overall well-being.
5. Greater success in relationships: Emotional intelligence is associated with greater success in personal and professional relationships. By understanding and responding appropriately to the emotions of others, we can build trust, resolve conflicts, and create stronger connections.
6. Better leadership: Emotional intelligence is also associated with effective leadership. Leaders who understand and manage their own emotions, as well as the emotions of their team members, are better able to motivate and inspire others, build strong teams, and achieve organizational goals.

Final Thoughts on Emotions

In summary, emotions are complex psychological and physiological responses to internal and external stimuli that play a crucial role in our daily lives. They influence our thoughts, behavior, decision-making, and relationships.

Understanding our emotional responses and developing emotional intelligence can have a number of positive implications, including improved communication, better decision-making, enhanced self-awareness, improved mental health, greater success in relationships, and better leadership.

It is important to note that developing emotional intelligence is an ongoing process that requires self-reflection, practice, and a commitment to continuous learning. It is also important to recognize that emotions can be difficult to manage and regulate at times, and seeking support can be helpful.

Overall, by embracing and understanding our emotions, we can lead healthier, more fulfilling lives and build stronger connections with those around us.

Where Can I Get Help With Managing And Tolerating My Positive and Negative Emotions?

Achieving emotional balance is not an easy thing to do. Fortunately, you can rely on experienced and committed professionals at PIVOT to help you gain a new perspective on your emotions and take steps towards healthy emotional management. Learning to feel, manage, and tolerate your feelings in the moment and respond, not just react is one of the many things we specialize in through our time tested and evidence based curriculum.

We offer individual coaching and one day personalized intensives, and 5 day retreats at the Glass House depending on how aggressively you would like to work on your personal growth. Be sure to also get a copy of our founder’s book on Amazon – #HealthyAdult. Get started today to achieve positive outcomes using our curriculum to build and maintain your emotional intelligence!

We’ve all heard of defense mechanisms, but what exactly are they?

Defense mechanisms are the ways we deal with anxiety-provoking and stressful situations. They’re subconscious coping mechanisms that help us preserve an individual’s emotional stability and well-being. While they can provide temporary relief from anxiety and stress, relying on them too heavily can lead to negative consequences and prevent individuals from addressing the root cause of their anxiety.

At PIVOT, we call these Survival Patterns because often, many people will use defense mechanisms to manage and tolerate painful feelings.

For most people, defense mechanisms are spontaneous rather than involuntary. This means that they are driven by internal impulses or motivations, rather than external stimuli or physiological events. In other words, they are not necessarily controlled by external factors but instead arise naturally from within the individual as a response to anxiety or stress.

Let’s take a look at the top 10 most common defense mechanisms and see how they help us cope with anxiety and stress.

Defense Mechanisms

Denial

Denial is one of the defense mechanisms that involves refusing to acknowledge or accept reality or facts. This can involve ignoring, denying, or repressing unpleasant truths to attempt to reduce anxiety and stress.

Denial individuals to avoid or delay dealing with difficult emotions or situations. It can provide a temporary sense of relief and stability, but it can also have negative consequences in the long term. Keeping it “stuffed” in the body can produce long-term physical complications.

Consider an alcoholic. In social environments, they may use alcohol to feel more comfortable in situations that would typically make them anxious – knowing that drinking is not good for them. They may just tell themselves “I can quit any time and drinking now is no big deal”. Ignoring the fact that they just had a huge fight in front of their kids and told their partner that they would stop drinking. This is a form of denial. Meanwhile, their dependency to alcohol is increasing and their mental and physical health is degrading.

By ignoring or denying reality, individuals may be preventing themselves from facing and resolving problems, which can lead to further stress and anxiety.

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism that attributes one’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations to another person or group. People who project often accuse others of having the same negative traits that they possess. Meaning, that if someone is feeling bad about themselves they might try to put that onto someone else by criticizing them. 

An example of projection could be a person who feels guilty about lying to their partner and accuses their partner of being untruthful, even though there’s no evidence to support this claim. The person is unconsciously projecting their guilt onto their partner to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior.

Rationalization

Rationalization is a defense mechanism where people offer explanations or excuses to justify their behavior even though those explanations are not necessarily true.

For example, a person who is late for work because they decided to go to bed very late, blames traffic and everything else under the sun. They may use these examples to distort reality and avoid being accountable for being to work on time. Because being late to work for illegitimate reasons could be perceived natively by others, the individual continues this cycle. And, in the long run, will typically feel bad about not telling the truth.

Displacement

Displacement is a defense mechanism that allows individuals to release built-up emotions without risking relationships, reputation, or safety. It is a defense mechanism that helps individuals cope with anxiety and stress by redirecting their emotions to a less threatening and what happens to be a more safe target.

An example of this would be when Mark is triggered by his boss at work. Instead of lashing out in the moment, he redirects that frustration while driving his car and yells at another driver who is going too slow for Mark.

Regression

Regression is a defense mechanism that involves reverting to an earlier stage of development as a means of coping with stress and anxiety. When individuals are under stress, they may resort to behaviors that are characteristic of a younger or more immature developmental stage.

Examples of regression include crying, throwing tantrums, clinging to others, or engaging in behaviors that were once typical of childhood but are no longer developmentally appropriate.

Regression can provide a temporary sense of comfort and stability, allowing individuals to escape from the demands and pressures of adulthood. However, it is important to recognize that regression can have negative consequences in the long term.

People who use this coping skill typically have old unresolved trauma that has not been dealt with. The PIVOT process dives deep into helping people understand their developmental parts – that are still often very much alive today – and learn to talk healthier actions as opposed to habitual actions.

Reaction Formation

Reaction formation is a defense mechanism that involves developing attitudes and behaviors that are the direct opposite of one’s true feelings. This can involve acting friendly or positive towards someone or something that is disliked, as a way of hiding or masking those true feelings. By acting in a manner that is opposite to one’s true feelings, individuals can reduce the internal conflict that arises from having conflicting or unacceptable emotions. It can also harm relationships by creating confusion and mistrust, as others may not understand the true motivations and feelings behind an individual’s behavior.

An example of reaction formation can be: a manager is stressed and overworked. The manager may hide their true feelings of anger and frustration in the workplace associated with their direct boss, and instead, present a cheerful attitude at work. They may go out of their way to be helpful and quite friendly to their colleagues, even though they internalize feelings of being overwhelmed and resentful.

The manager behaves this way to avoid unpleasant emotions and present a positive facade. Over time, reaction formation can become an unhealthy habit and can impact one’s physical and emotional well-being.

At PIVOT, we could help this manager prepare for a critical conversation with their boss that would create connection and eliminate confusion without jeopardizing their job.

Sublimation

Sublimation is a defense mechanism that involves converting difficult or negative emotions into something more socially acceptable or productive. It allows individuals to express their emotions healthily and constructively, rather than resorting to destructive or harmful behaviors.

One example of sublimation is channeling anger into physical exercise. This allows individuals to release their negative emotions in a way that is healthy and socially acceptable. Other examples of sublimation might include channeling sexual impulses into creative endeavors, such as writing or art, or channeling aggressive impulses into more productive activities, such as working on a challenging project.

Intellectualization

Intellectualization is a defense mechanism that involves using abstract concepts and theories to distance oneself from unpleasant emotions. It involves focusing on facts and information rather than feelings, as a way of coping with stress and anxiety.

This often can lead to a serious attachment style of avoidance. And, this can suppress feelings so far down, that emotional intimacy is difficult to have in a relationship.

For example, a person who is grieving the loss of a child might intellectualize their emotions by focusing on the scientific or philosophical aspects of death, rather than their personal feelings of sadness and loss. This would create distance from their other children and partner because there would be no room for expressing their grief or having empathy for the other family members.

Avoidance

Avoidance is a defense mechanism where individuals avoid certain situations, people, or activities that are associated with unwanted thoughts or feelings.

This defense mechanism can help to reduce anxiety in the short term and it can also prevent individuals from facing and overcoming their fears in the long term. People may use fantasy as a means to avoid personal problems and escape from reality or gain a sense of control over difficult situations.

Avoidance can keep the individual from being seen, feeling connected, and loved.

Dissociation

Dissociation is a technique used by people consciously and subconsciously for centuries and has been recognized by mental health professionals and psychologists.

This phenomenon will occur as a means to avoid traumatic situations such as natural disasters, sexual abuse, motor vehicle accidents, combat experiences, or as a result of other unwanted thoughts. Dissociation can also exist as a symptom of various mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and dissociative disorder.

Have you ever been overwhelmed, so much that you may feel threatened or experience difficult feelings, and thereafter be able to disconnect from them? Anecdotally, this could be a form of dissociation.

Why Do We Use Defense Mechanisms

Some defense mechanisms can be a TEMPORARY helpful tool for managing stress or difficult emotions. They can provide temporary relief from unpleasant thoughts or certain feelings and help to reduce anxiety in the short term. Additionally, defense mechanisms can help to reveal any underlying issues that may need to be addressed more directly.

By becoming aware of defense mechanisms, we can learn how to develop healthier coping strategies and create lasting change.

Excessive use of defense mechanisms can lead to long-term emotional problems and interfere with our ability to connect deeply with others and form meaningful relationships. If defense mechanisms are used as a way to avoid or deny reality, it can prevent us from effectively addressing difficult issues or developing healthy coping strategies. Additionally, defense mechanisms can create an unhealthy cycle where we rely on them instead of facing our uncomfortable emotions directly.

How to Know if You’re Using a Defense Mechanism

Defense mechanisms can be a useful tool for managing stress and anxiety when used in moderation. But when they’re overused or used in an unhealthy way, they can become problematic. This is why it’s important to be aware of the defense mechanisms you use and how they may be impacting your behavior.

Take a closer look at the ways you respond to challenging situations or stress. If you notice any repeated patterns, it might be worth exploring these further. If your defense mechanisms are causing more harm than good, seeking professional help from a therapist or mental health expert may be a good idea.

How Do You Break Defense Mechanisms?

Here are some useful tips for gaining control over your defense mechanisms:

1. Be mindful of warning signs in your behavior and thoughts.
2. Investigate your childhood and past experiences to gain insight into your actions.
3. Avoid blaming others for your mistakes and situations.
4. Take ownership of your thoughts and actions.
5. Allow yourself to experience and process negative emotions, even if it means crying.
6. Challenge yourself by consciously choosing the opposite response to your impulses.
7. Incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your routine.
8. Embrace your emotions rather than suppressing them.
9. Consider seeking guidance from a relationship coach to develop healthier coping strategies.

When To Seek Professional Help With Your Defense Mechanisms

If these behaviors are becoming a problem or preventing you from addressing underlying issues and root causes of unhealthy behavior, it may be beneficial to get help from us.

At PIVOT, we offer relationship coaching services to help you identify the challenges that are getting in the way of you feeling good about yourself and the relationships in your life. We also help you build and maintain a healthy muscle to respond to those spontaneous impulses in a way that will protect you and the people around you using our evidence-based PIVOT process that has helped tens of thousands of individuals just like you.

If you were given a choice, would you choose to be vulnerable? Would you want to risk being physically or emotionally attacked and hurt? Most people presumably wouldn’t. So, being vulnerable for many feels like it’s too hard.  

The fundamental question is not precisely “How can I be vulnerable?”; it’s about how to express it without fear of rejection and enter into it in the healthiest way possible. Vulnerability has a critical role to play in human relationships. It helps us empathize with others and see things from their perspective.

Why Do I Fear Vulnerability?

Being aware that you’re not the only one that’s resisting it is important. Most people fear vulnerability, even those you’ve been hurt by in the past. This is a common human trait, and we’re all dealing with it in our own different ways, whether we’re aware of it or not. Some people may seem extraordinarily confident and strong, like nothing can catch them off-guard, and that’s usually a façade. Many hide their vulnerability deeply and avoid admitting to being hurt or sensitive at all costs.

Nonetheless, we must deal with ourselves first before we start dealing with others and the relationships we have with them. Clearly, the fear of vulnerability is closely related to the fear of rejection, belittlement, or abandonment. We might feel it makes us seem needy, unworthy, and less capable of dealing with life than people around us.

And if we think this badly about ourselves, what will others think? This type of thinking is common, yet deeply misguided. There’s a reason behind the vulnerability we all feel.

Can You Learn To Be More Vulnerable?

Yes.  You can learn how to be more vulnerable and need to know how to deal with it. Expressing your vulnerability without fear and accepting the risk of being hurt is the true goal here.  Learning to be comfortable – being uncomfortable is key.

If you’ve already had the bad experience of opening up to the wrong people, you might think that being vulnerable and revealing your true feelings and thoughts can only backfire and ruin both your relationship with that person and your sense of self-worth.

People who don’t respond well to the vulnerability of others are often afraid of their own. It could serve as a mirror to them reflecting their own fears. Remember that many people are not prepared to dig through their pain and other feelings that make them feel ashamed, less than, not enough, etc. 

However, when it comes to your own journey, there are some steps you can take to become more open about your vulnerabilities:

• Know yourself. Explore your feelings and fears and think about the things that cause you distress. You might not be aware of the underlying reasons behind them. Still, you can discover this with proper expert guidance or by taking the time to think or write about your vulnerabilities.
• Ask for help. If you’re going through a rough patch, you might not be able to deal with revealing your vulnerabilities alone. Instead of isolating yourself and pretending everything’s fine, try to let some people in and let them know how you feel. If you need professional help, don’t be ashamed to admit it.
• Be open about your feelings. This can be one of the most challenging steps – being completely honest about your fears and pain in front of another person. They might not have a solution for your issues, but the feeling of support can also be beneficial.
• Share the moment. Don’t keep it all in while it’s happening. If you’re feeling hurt by somebody’s words or actions, let them know. Their response might surprise you. You may form a deeper bond with people that way and help them open up too.
• Don’t forget about healthy boundaries. Not everybody’s equally prepared to accept their own or the vulnerability of others. Choose the right people to share your feelings with. If you’re getting a distressing response from someone, that’s probably not the right person.

Is Being Vulnerable A Choice Or A Trait?

Even though vulnerability is not a choice, and we’re all born with it, from a purely biological standpoint, being vulnerable doesn’t seem to make much sense. It exposes us to attacks and allows others to harm us physically and emotionally. So naturally, it makes it an uncomfortable choice for many. 

However, there’s an incredibly significant role vulnerability plays in our lives. It can help us form better and more meaningful relationships with others. Close, healthy relationships improve our physical and emotional well-being, enrich our lives and make us generally happier and more satisfied with ourselves. In addition, vulnerability helps us feel empathy; without it, fulfilling relationships with friends, family, partners, and children wouldn’t be possible.

Even looking at human babies it’s easy to conclude that, compared to some other primates, they’re much more helpless and dependent on others to survive. This is vulnerability in its purest form. It teaches us that it’s natural to depend on others and have others rely on us. Of course, this doesn’t apply only to babies. We are vulnerable in many other ways throughout our lifetime.

Allowing ourselves to be open about it can influence others to do the same. That way, we can be there for each other, both in challenging times and the good ones. Some of the more common examples of being vulnerable include:

• Being honest and open about your mistakes and shortcomings.
• Sharing things about yourself that you consider profoundly personal and usually keep private with the appropriate people.
• Taking chances, even when they can lead to failure or rejection.
• Allowing yourself to feel and express distressing emotions like fear, shame, or grief.
• Being open and straightforward about what you want in a relationship, what you need to be happy, sharing your expectations, and setting boundaries you’re comfortable with.

Is It Better To Hide Your Vulnerability Or Not?

By accepting our vulnerabilities and finding ways to deal with them, we can use them to our own advantage. It’s a chance to better ourselves and improve our relationships with people who matter in our lives. We can serve as an example to those we care about and help them do the same.

If you choose to work on showing your vulnerability, you can achieve a sense of self-awareness that will, in turn, help you in ways that may be unexpected or seem counterintuitive. Vulnerability can:

• Strengthen your relationships.
• Help other people relate to you.
• Allow you to empower both yourself and others.
• Lead to self-acceptance that drives your emotional growth.
• Make you realize you’re stronger than you thought.

 Most importantly, you will learn to love yourself by:

• Embracing your mistakes.
• Realizing that you’re important and worthy of love.
• Stop feeling less deserving and constantly trying to prove yourself.
• Accepting that no single person can satisfy all your needs, and you can’t do that for others either.

PIVOT Can Help You In Becoming Vulnerable And Learning To Deal With It In A Productive Way

Whatever you’ve been taught as a child or unpleasant life experiences, you can’t simply decide whether to be vulnerable or not. We all are – not to the same extent, of course.  So instead of suppressing your vulnerability, learn how to use it to make your life and relationships better. The benefits can be truly remarkable.

Embracing vulnerability, and sharing it with people, can help you embrace fulfilling relationships through mutual empathy. The small groups of our Glass House retreats are the perfect setting for exchanging your thoughts and feelings with others, with expert guidance from our PIVOT coaches.

What is your idea of a happy marriage or a long-term committed relationship? You’ll probably have an image of a couple that ticks all the boxes, with romantic feelings fading into the background, being replaced with a sense of certainty, security, and trust. However, as with many other things in life, there’s usually a challenge for the married couple that can lead them to question their feelings at some point. 

Have you experienced periods when you felt the need to back off or just wanted to give up? One way to approach such situations is to work on your relationship building skills by attending professionally-led workshops, and learning how to strengthen your bond and your individual potential. If you’re afraid that you’ve reached a point where you need to withdraw or take a break from your marital commitment, keep reading.

What Is Marriage Burnout?

In a very similar fashion to career burnout, marital or marriage burnout manifests as a period of intense psychological and physical draining and exhaustion. It is oftentimes the result of one of the partners providing love, care, and support, whereas not receiving the same amount of attention in return. It can also be an outcome of bitter conflicts and heated arguments between spouses, and general disappointment with how their relationship changed. It can be seen as a moment in your relationship when the excitement and jubilance of romantic love fade away, leaving room for feelings of resentment. It can also arise after a very stressful period 

Is Burnout In A Relationship Normal?

If you’re in a committed relationship that lasts a decade or longer, or you’ve gone through a stressful period with many changes, you’re likely to experience burnout at some point. It can be a perfectly normal reaction to an overwhelming situation. And, of course, it doesn’t mean that you need to split up and start living separate lives. If you do feel guilty for being exhausted or detached, it’s probably time to pose some questions. 

It could also serve as a wake-up call: a reminder to allocate time to care for your own needs, have an honest conversation with each other, listen carefully, spend some quality time together, and relieve yourself of the constant tension. However, you may need to discern whether you’re going through a passing phase or you’re becoming emotionally distant and neglectful. 

How Do You Know If You’re Emotionally Exhausted?

When you’re going through a rough period as a couple, you can start feeling like you’re on the end of your wits. Although the symptoms may vary from one person to another, these are some of the signs of emotional exhaustion: 

1. Loss of hope. You can feel hopeless about the future of your relationship, or have a general feeling of despair and uncertainty. 
2. Lack of motivation. You may struggle to get into the mood to work, socialize, spend time together with your partner, do chores, and engage in hobbies.
3. Sleeping problems. Some people experience the inability to fall asleep, others tend to wake up too early, which is a clear sign of stress and lingering worries. 
4. General irritability. Although you could say that you feel fine, you can come across as nervous and on edge when approached by your partner or other people.
5. Headaches. Sometimes, prolonged stress leads to painful physical symptoms, and you might develop chronic headaches, dizziness, or migraines. 
6. Fatigue and lack of energy. Being emotionally exhausted means that you’ll feel physically drained as well. This will reflect in lowered energy levels and sleepiness
7. Apathy. When you’ve invested your energy and emotions into your relationship, and were met with invalidation or neglect, you’re likely to act and feel apathetic and cynical.
8. Absent-mindedness. You’ll probably have moments when your mind just wanders and you’re unable to focus or follow through with a conversation. 

Can I Feel Emotional Burnout After A Relationship Ends? 

If you went through a complicated and unexpected breakup, divorce, or separation, you can also experience burnout. You might be trying to cope with the effects of emotional trauma, and you need time to recover. The signs can include the following: 

• You’re ambivalent or cynical about dating a significant amount of time after your breakup
• You find little or no enjoyment in meeting potential romantic partners
• You tend to have bad recollections of your former relationship or see it as meaningless, painful, or a waste of time.  

What Causes Relationship Burnout?

In terms of emotional investment, you can understand the burnout situation as an imbalance between what you’re giving and what you receive in return. There are, of course, other factors that can contribute to the feeling of emotional exhaustion: 

• A failed expectation that your relationship will give a more profound meaning to your life
• Unclear boundaries, lack of personal space or time for self-care
• Cycles of repeated fighting, misunderstandings, and tension
• Periods of work or family-related stress, and lack of support between partners
• Boring or exhausting daily routines and incomplete assignments
• Certain patterns of relationship addiction lead to outbursts of jealousy, resentment, and helplessness, burdening your partner, and it may cause you both to feel emotionally drained.

How Do You Fix Burnout In A Relationship?

When you’re willing to work and salvage your marriage after an emotionally tense and exhausting period, you may first consider evaluating the issue. Look closely at how you feel and how long it has been bothering you. Whether you’re recovering from a period of intense fighting or trying to rekindle your marriage after a period of separation, these tips might be useful: 

Take Care Of Yourself

Be careful and mindful of your resources, of your physical and mental health, and devote time to work on your strengths and potential. By doing this, you’ll be more likely to build resilience to future challenges. 

Don’t Forget To Talk

Communication is key to resolving any difficult situation. Open and honest conversation, without putting blame on the other person, will shed some light on what path to take as a couple. This way you’ll be able to recognize where you are in your relationship, whether you’re bonding over trauma, and how to move forward. 

Practice Active Listening

Surely, you will be there to listen to what your partner has to say. However, don’t suppose that you understand everything and that you mean the exact same things. Try to carefully paraphrase what they said and openly ask “Have I understood you correctly?”. 

Confide In Each Other

Intimacy and confidentiality are some of the most important tenets of married life.  Some people tend to seek support from friends, family members, and their children when feeling emotionally drained. While it might be perfectly okay to have some type of support outside of your marriage, keeping your secrets from your significant other can create an atmosphere of mistrust. 

Be Honest About Your Needs

Try to be frank with yourself and your partner when talking about your needs, whether it’s more personal space, more quality time together, or whether you need more support in terms of sharing household and parental duties.  

Show Appreciation 

You may try to show that you appreciate your partner, not only in words. Showing that you truly care about each other despite the hurdles can help you overcome burnout and recharge your batteries. This way, if you reciprocate, you’ll show that you’re not taking each other for granted. 

Introduce Variety In Your Marital Life

If you’re feeling fed up and frustrated with some of your rituals, talk to your spouse and try to do something new and exciting, start a new hobby, find a new favorite place, try new food, break the routine, and surprise your spouse. 

Balance Excitement And Trust

To recover and rekindle your relationship after burnout, it’s best to find a fine balance between passion and excitement on one hand and trust, security, and commitment on the other. 

Who Offers Beneficial Couple Relationship Management Workshops For Married Couples And Individuals? 

When you’re ready to work on your relationship or marriage and PIVOT from your current situation, we can help you with our team of trained and dedicated relationship advocates. You can count on us to ensure you manage your separation or divorce anxiety and work on your personal growth or provide you with helpful tools to revive and put your relationship on a path of recovery. Whatever you choose, we’re here to provide supportive and experience-based coaching and retreat. 

Being in a relationship means taking on many commitments. Whether you’re happily engaged, married, or just started dating, you have the feeling that you’re doing things for each other effortlessly. You’ll probably go through this phase without having to give it too much thought.

However, what if you start feeling a sense of loneliness in your marriage? Although you feel that you respect, love, and cherish your significant other, it can come to a situation where you feel like something is missing. This can be a sense of longing or the mere realization that you’re no longer spending enough time together. This may mean that your partner has become emotionally detached.  

These may all be valid doubts, and many people turn to couple workshops for deepening relationships in order to find the answers to pressing issues. Read on to learn more about emotional neglect in long-term relationships and how to overcome it. 

Why Do I Feel Lonely In My Marriage?

While you might be familiar with the feeling of anxiety and loneliness among people in general, such feelings seem to be a bit out-of-place in a committed, romantic relationship. There can be several reasons why you or your spouse may feel neglected or forgotten by the other person: 

• Childhood emotional neglect: This can be a traumatic experience that may follow you well into adulthood and can have severe effects on how you relate with other people and how you build relationships. Some adults who were emotionally neglected or deprived in childhood tend to seek partners who are to some degree emotionally detached or neglectful as well. 
• Insecure attachment pattern: It usually involves having poor boundaries, unrealistic expectations, love addiction, and persistent fear of separation and abandonment. This can also be a result of earlier trauma and experiences in previous relationships. 
• A recent traumatic experience: Trauma can create distance between you and your spouse, and open a number of unresolved questions. Psychological wounds need time and processing to fully heal, and this sometimes causes deeper bonding after the traumatic event, and sometimes shows us as withdrawal from your partner. 
• You or your partner are trying to cope with emotional burnout: You can’t devote enough energy and time like before, despite the best intentions. This can be a way to recharge, so it’s probably best to talk it out and remain patient. 
• Your partner is consciously or unconsciously ignoring your needs: They may be disregarding them as silly, immature, or “just too much”. If that is the case, you’re most likely dealing with emotional neglect. 

What Does Emotional Neglect Do To A Person?

Emotional neglect can be roughly defined as a situation in which the emotional needs of an individual are invalidated, overlooked, or disregarded by their significant other or parent. While verbal and physical abuse can be more or less obivous, emotional neglect is often not easy to identify and recognize. It doesn’t leave any visible bruises, at least not at first glance. 

It revolves around the absence of doing what is necessary and beneficial for the significant other, and it can reflect through: 

• The feeling of low self-worth or poor self-esteem
• Persistent feelings of emptiness
• Disconnection from others
• Guilt for not being able to trust other people

How Does Emotional Neglect Affect Attachment Relationships?

Relationships rely greatly on validation and support from each of the partners. If there’s emotional neglect in your marriage or long-term relationship, you are likely to have the following experiences:

• You might feel abandoned by your partner
• Your partner can seem absent-minded or shut down when you talk
• You’re not socializing together anymore
• You seek emotional support from your friends
• You tend to consistently suppress your emotions
• You don’t trust your significant other anymore
• You have a tendency to procrastinate with big decisions in life
• You have stopped being physically intimate as you used to

Can A Marriage Survive Emotional Detachment?

Sudden and unexpected emotional detachment can have harmful effects on your marriage. However, it all depends on other factors as well. Keep in mind that temporary emotional detachment is, in some cases, a way to overcome traumatic and stressful events in life. This withdrawal equips the person with more time and ability to process and give meaning to these events, allowing them to continue working on their relationship.

However, if the detachment carries on for too long and is combined with active avoidance, persistent invalidation of your emotional needs, or deliberate belittling of your attempts to discuss and approach your partner, you may have lesser chances to recuperate your marriage. Of course, you may try with the awareness that it might lead to a break-up, separation, or divorce. 

How To Cope With Emotional Neglect? 

When you’re completely sure that you’re having issues with emotional neglect in your long-term relationship or marriage, you may try to go step by step. Remember to take care of yourself, see what can be done about your relationship, and try some of the following tips: 

Be Patient

This is something that may be helpful as a reminder: getting your marriage back on track requires hard work, time, and patience. Before entering the whole process, remember that emotional neglect is a pattern that took years to develop, and can’t be resolved promptly. 

Examine Your Feelings And The Causes Of Their Behavior

Identifying the cause of the issue can help you receive some level of clarity and understanding. This will also help you to make constructive changes and plan out your next step. It might be useful to determine:

• Whether your partner was neglectful from the beginning.
• Whether they became neglectful after a while.
• Whether their emotional investment in you was changing constantly, or abruptly.

Avoid Playing The Victim Card

Putting all the blame on the neglectful partner can seem appealing since the hurt is coming from their end. However, it’s a very unlikely way to resolve the issue. On the contrary, it will probably worsen the situation and push your partner even further away from you. Of course, it might be useful to talk openly about your feelings. However, don’t repeat that in each conversation. If you want to focus on fixing the problem and recuperating your relationship, it may be best to have constructive discussions. 

Stay Proactive 

Mirroring the detachment of your partner is probably not going to help. Also, keep in mind that some people don’t have good insight into their own patterns of behavior. This low self-awareness can furthermore lead them to further withdrawal, without realizing that they are hurting you in the process. If you know how to approach them without playing the guilt game, you’ll probably be able to make progress.

Discuss The Issue Constructively

Allocate time and energy for discussion and avoid situations when you feel irritable, tired, hungry, or generally unprepared. Despite the level of emotional hurt, it’s important to remain respectful towards each other and to avoid playing the blame game. Try to make it as constructive and solution-focused as possible. 

Be Gentle To Yourself

It may be useful to try to find ways and time to comfort yourself. This might be through relaxing activities, meditation, taking up new hobbies, and most importantly – fostering a positive self-image. While it may not bring you closer to your partner, it could provide you with more resources to recover from an emotionally stressful period or prepare you for single life, if it doesn’t work out in the end. 

Arrange For Quality Time Together

While your emotionally detached spouse might seem disinterested in spending any time with you, sometimes you need to check whether it’s actually everyday stress that’s giving them a hard time. Although it’s seemingly unfair, their detachment can serve as a well-established coping mechanism that helps them go through stress. If you pick an adequate context, you might find a way to rekindle the flame of your relationship and salvage it. 

Seek Professional Assistance

In the end, if you feel like you’ve depleted all your energy and tried all strategies, maybe it’s time to seek professional help. Of course, given that every relationship is different, you can expect different outcomes. It may help you get a better insight into your attachment pattern, identify underlying causes, and develop new ways to relate to your spouse. 

Where Can We Find A Beneficial Couple Workshop For Deepening Relationships?

When you aim to help your relationship survive a period of emotional neglect, go through various stages of separation, or PIVOT from your own insecurities and low self-worth, you can find a helping hand in our relationship advocates.  Whether you’re seeking to find common ground with your spouse and revive emotions in your marriage through our couple retreat or overcome the toll of ongoing relationship challenges in an individual setting, you can put your trust in our experienced coaching team. We have ample experience working with addictive relationships, so give us a call today!