Attachment Archives

The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling: Impact and Solutions

Posted on April 30, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone you love, only to be met with cold, unyielding silence? That crushing moment when your words vanish into a void is stonewalling, and the emotional effects of stonewalling can leave you feeling rejected, alone, and unheard. Conflicts, from minor disagreements to major disputes, are a natural part of human relationships, shaping our stories and interactions.

Yet, conflicts can strengthen bonds when resolved with care. Every resolved dispute builds trust and resilience, making relationships worth fighting for. But when one person stonewalls, shutting down instead of engaging, it halts this process, leaving emotional wounds that can linger.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Both partners must work together to resolve conflicts. When one side withdraws completely, stonewalling not only blocks solutions but also deepens feelings of frustration and pain. Understanding its impact is the first step toward healing.

What Does Stonewalling Behavior Mean?

Stonewalling is a communication tactic where one person (“stonewaller”) completely withdraws from a situation or a conversation, creating a metaphorical “stone wall” between them and the person trying to communicate. This type of behavior isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships alone. Rather, it can occur in friendships, as well as professional and parent-child relationships, too.

While it may seem like a simple coping mechanism, aimed at avoiding conflict and difficult feelings, stonewalling can have severe emotional consequences for the recipient, leading to the question of if stonewalling is gaslighting. Emotional awareness is key in identifying and addressing these issues early. Over time, it can erode mutual trust and destroy the emotional bond that holds the relationship together. Intentional stonewalling, used as a manipulative behavior, can exert power and control over a partner, resulting in emotional abuse and neglect.

Finally, it is important to note that stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is employed consciously to manipulate, belittle, or humiliate the recipient. For this reason, and the fact that stonewalling is detrimental to everyone involved, it is important to understand its implications, as well as to seek support and help, preferably from a professional relationship coach or counselor, or trusted friends and family members.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Stonewalling In Romantic Relationships?

Without exaggeration, we can say that the emotional consequences of stonewalling can be devastating, both for the recipient and the relationship as a whole. It can make the person on the receiving end feel like their thoughts and feelings simply don’t matter. Like the effort and dedication they put in to connect with their partner and better the relationship is worth nothing, ultimately damaging the emotional connection.

Needless to say, this type of emotional withdrawal can leave a person feeling lonely, rejected, and invalidated. Over time, these feelings can lead to a full breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy which, in turn, can cause feelings of resentment and disconnection toward the stonewaller.

Additionally, when one partner withdraws from a conversation, it does nothing to help resolve the issue. Instead, it leaves the other feeling frustrated and unheard, which only causes increased tension and leads to more arguments, therefore escalating the conflict. Introducing meaningful conversation is crucial to address these challenges effectively.

This causes communication breakdowns where both individuals struggle to effectively express themselves, their needs, and their emotions, yet aren’t able to find any common ground. Ultimately, pent-up anger and frustration may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship which can (and often does) end up in a breakup, especially if the issue is left unattended.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Stonewalling can be a subtle weapon in gaslighting. When someone shuts down communication—like ignoring your texts during an argument—and later denies the issue even existed, it’s a double blow that leaves you questioning your reality. This overlap makes both tactics especially disorienting.

The emotional toll is heavy: stonewalling breeds frustration and helplessness, while gaslighting sows confusion and self-doubt. Together, they can erode trust and make you feel unheard or unstable. For example, imagine asking, “Why didn’t you respond?” only to hear, “I never saw your message,” despite clear evidence otherwise.

Quick Coping Tips

Set Boundaries: Calmly state your needs (e.g., “I need us to talk about this”).
Use ‘I’ Statements: Say “I feel ignored” to express yourself without escalating tension.
Seek Support: Talk to a friend or therapist to regain perspective.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: Key Differences and Overlaps

Aspect	Stonewalling	Gaslighting	Overlap
Definition	Withdrawing from communication	Manipulating someone’s sense of reality	Stonewalling can be used to gaslight
Emotional Impact	Frustration, helplessness	Confusion, self-doubt, loss of trust	Both erode trust and cause distress
Example	Ignoring texts during an argument	Denying a conversation ever happened	Stonewalling followed by denial

What Are The Emotional Effects Of Stonewalling?

The emotional effects of stonewalling can be profound and long-lasting, affecting different types of relationships in various ways:

In romantic relationships, when a partner withdraws, stonewalling can cause feelings of emotional isolation and disconnection. It can erode the trust and emotional connections between partners, creating a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction, which can ultimately lead to a breakup. Picture your partner shutting down mid-argument, refusing to respond as you plead for connection—this silence stings like rejection. For someone anxiously attached, the emotional effects of stonewalling can spark fears of being abandoned, deepening the hurt, and making them feel overwhelmed.
In parent-child relationships, stonewalling can create a sense of confusion and insecurity in the child. They may feel unheard, invalidated, unloved, and even insignificant. This can leave lasting emotional scars on the child’s psyche, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships in the future. Imagine a child asking why their parent is upset, only to get a blank stare in return—it’s like they’re invisible. If they crave closeness, this disconnection can feel overwhelming, planting seeds of self-doubt.
In friendships, stonewalling can create a sense of rejection and hurt, leaving the other person feeling excluded and unimportant. It can also trigger past traumas and emotional wounds, leading to further distress and emotional pain. Think of texting a friend about a falling-out, only to be ignored for days—it’s a gut punch of exclusion. For those with an avoidant attachment style, the emotional effects of stonewalling might push them to withdraw further, masking their own pain.
In professional relationships, stonewalling can lead to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and a lack of trust among colleagues, which can create a toxic work environment that cripples productivity and morale. Additionally, it can also prevent the resolution of conflicts and hinder problem-solving, leading to negative impacts on job performance and career advancement opportunities. Picture a coworker dodging your emails about a project dispute, leaving you in the dark—it breeds frustration and distrust. Even secure types might feel unsettled, as the silence disrupts teamwork and clarity.

It is crucial to note that stonewalling can leave lasting consequences to the recipient’s mental health, including persistent self-doubt and low self-esteem. In addition, it can exacerbate existing mental health conditions and, in some cases, cause the formation of various psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). The emotional toll of stonewalling is significant, leading to feelings of disrespect, loneliness, and emotional pain, which can ultimately damage the relationship beyond repair.

The following table summarizes how stonewalling impacts emotions across different relationships, highlighting its far-reaching effects:

Relationship Type	Emotional Effects of Stonewalling
Romantic	Isolation, trust erosion, potential breakup
Parent-Child	Confusion, insecurity, feeling unheard, lasting scars
Friendships	Rejection, hurt, exclusion, triggers past traumas
Professional	Communication breakdowns, toxic environment, frustration

Beyond the Silence: Key Questions on Stonewalling’s Emotional Impact

1. How does stonewalling impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?

Stonewalling blocks open communication, reducing emotional intimacy and trust. Partners may feel isolated, weakening their connection over time.

2. Why are men more likely to stonewall, and what does this mean for couples?

Research suggests that men may stonewall as a way to cope with emotional overwhelm, often due to differences in how they process emotions. A UC Berkeley study found that this behavior can lead to physical health issues, like back pain, particularly in men. This not only strains relationships emotionally—by shutting down communication—but can also take a physical toll on the stonewaller, adding complexity to the couple’s dynamic.

3. Can stonewalling be considered emotional abuse?

Yes, when used intentionally to control or punish, stonewalling becomes abusive, causing distress and feelings of invalidation.

4. How can couples heal from the emotional damage of stonewalling?

Healing involves open communication and therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, to rebuild trust and learn healthier conflict resolution.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Emotional Effects of Stonewalling

Attachment theory reveals how early relationships influence our responses to stonewalling. Each style—anxious, avoidant, ambivalent, or secure—shapes how we react to this behavior. Understanding your attachment style offers clarity for navigating these moments.

Anxious Attachment: Feels deep rejection and abandonment fears when stonewalled. May respond with anxiety, seeking reassurance or clinging.
Avoidant Attachment: Stonewalls to shield from emotional overwhelm. Still feels disconnection despite the self-protective silence.
Ambivalent Attachment: Swings between craving closeness and withdrawing. Feels confused or frustrated by stonewalling, unsure how to react.
Secure Attachment: Finds stonewalling disruptive but handles it with communication. May address it directly or explore its cause.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Solutions for Stonewalling’s Emotional Effects

Stonewalling can feel like a wall between you and someone you care about, but there are ways to break through. Here are practical steps to address its emotional toll and rebuild connection:

Pause and Take Breaks: When emotions run high, agree to pause the conversation. Use a signal, like raising hands, and take a 20-minute break to cool off. This helps both of you return with clearer minds.
Practice Self-Soothing: Try deep breathing—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6—to calm stress. Visualizing a peaceful place can also ease the urge to shut down.
Enhance Communication: Listen actively by repeating back what your partner says to show understanding. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when we don’t talk,” to express feelings without blame.
Create a Safe Space: Set a weekly time for open, calm talks where both agree to listen without judgment. This reduces fear and encourages honest dialogue.

Start Healing from Stonewalling with PIVOT Today

Stonewalling can leave you feeling isolated and unheard, but you don’t have to face it alone. At PIVOT, our Glass House retreat offers a serene escape to focus on rebuilding trust and connection. Guided by certified relationship coaches, our therapeutic process helps you heal trauma, identify unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling, and build a clear path to lasting, healthy communication skills.

Take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Contact PIVOT today for a consultation and discover how our tailored programs can transform your relationships.

Why Am I Attracted To Unavailable People: How To Break The Pattern

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

Most people desire things that are out of their reach, and it’s no different with romantic relationships. People who are unattainable often spark others’ interest. They’re hard to get and many people enjoy the chase. This attraction may even verge on obsession because the chase gets more and more intensified the more the object of your affection slips away, making breaking this pattern even more challenging.

An unavailable person may exhibit love avoidant characteristics, they could be in a relationship, or they might not be interested in pursuing a committed relationship at all. Either way, being attracted to someone you can’t have can be deeply hurtful, especially if this is a repeating cycle. Therefore, it’s important to discover why you are attracted to unavailable people, and how to break the pattern.

Does Being Unavailable Make You More Attractive?

Do you find yourself longing for people who slip out of your grasp? Are you more intensely drawn in the more they pull away, attracting you even more? Do you crave deep intimacy but settle for emotional unavailability in a relationship? This is more common than you may think.

While not everyone will experience this, some people consistently gravitate toward those who aren’t interested in their romantic advances. They keep pursuing the same kind of partner, despite knowing that the chances of an actual relationship are slim.

This causes us to wonder if being aloof or unavailable makes one more attractive. Some may even take advantage of this by making themselves appear unavailable in a game of hot and cold.

Why Are Unattainable People Attractive?

Some people find themselves constantly falling for people who are either not interested, in another relationship, or non-committal. Here are a few reasons why it may happen:

The challenge: Most of us want what we can’t have, so the fact that something’s elusive often makes it irresistible, presenting unique challenges. The desire to prove that you can win someone over may put you in an unhealthy loop. You scramble to make them notice you, you receive some attention that gives you a temporary high, and then you repeat the cycle. The real goal here isn’t to win the partner, it’s to prove that you CAN win.
A drive to be chosen: Being attracted to someone who is unavailable because they are already in a relationship can be fueled by a compulsive drive to be preferred, prioritized and chosen. A person can even build their self-worth on whether or not the object of their affection leaves another partner for them. This can become an emotionally unhealthy and uncontrollable way to build self-worth.
The mystique: People are captivated by the unknown, including in romantic relationships. Since the person doesn’t fully give in, there’s a part of them that remains out of your reach. You may be initially attracted by the rush of the unknown. This can have a powerful effect on you, keeping you enthralled and wanting to know more.
Deep-seated insecurity: In a way, it’s safe to have a crush on someone you can’t have. You might self-sabotage your love life by choosing to fall for unavailable people. This saves you the shame and humiliation of rejection because you already know that the relationship can’t develop.
The potential to idealize: Since the person maintains a distance and you can’t get to know them well enough, you’re free to fill in the blanks any way you want. People generally tend to see their crushes through rose-colored glasses and if the person is unavailable, then you don’t get to know them enough to stain the idealized version with real human flaws.
The excitement of the chase: When someone keeps you at arm’s length, whether consciously or not, this may push you to compete for their affection. Some people see this as a type of dare, where they need to persist against obstacles, which amps up the excitement. If you’e won the commitment you think you want, you may find yourself bored now that the challenge of the pursuit has ended.

How Do You Know A Person Is Emotionally Unavailable?

Someone who isn’t emotionally available will usually act a certain way, including:

Being standoffish at times
Giving lukewarm responses to your attempts at getting closer
Not wanting to open up and talk about their feelings
Being unwilling to share anything too personal
Being uncomfortable or now knowing how to respond to your vulnerability
They respond to a deepening relationship by wanting more alone time
They seem annoyed or disgusted (rather than shy or reserved) with feelings talk
They give intermittent reinforcement (emotionally connect at times and withhold at other times)
They have a relational history of not committing fully
The emotional connection they want does not match how physically close they want to be.

These behaviors are red flags that indicate someone is generally uncomfortable with their own emotions and are reluctant to share their feelings with others. Someone may act this way consistently, across all of the relationships that they have. On the other hand, people are sometimes simply not interested in pursuing a deeper connection, so they could be behaving like this because they don’t find you compatible.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Why Do I Gravitate Toward Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

If being drawn toward emotional unavailability is an old habit for you, the origin could be rooted in early age. Sometimes, your emotionally unavailable past relationships include those deep in your history, such as those with parents or caregivers. If your emotional needs weren’t met well, you may have not developed the skills to curate emotional intimacy with available, consistent partners.

Even when this pattern this makes you feel anxious or leaves you struggling with low self worth, you may find yourself drawn to the degree of emotional availability that is most familiar to you. This is true EVEN when this causes emotional pain, and even when doing so has left you badly hurt in the past.

If your parents were sometimes there for you emotionally, and at other times they weren’t, this is called intermittent reinforcement. It means that emotionally, your needs were met inconsistently. This can leave someone emotionally confused about how to seek secure partners.

If you’ve asked yourself “why am i attracted to unavailable woman?”, “are emotionally unavailable men all that’s out there?” or “do I even deserve love?”, then the pattern may be old.

You might be afraid to fully trust out of fear that you’ll be rejected or abandoned. The struggle between protecting yourself from this fear and longing for emotionally present romantic partners may leave you utterly lonely if you don’t recognize the attachment issue.

Why Do Emotionally Unavailable People Feel Safe To Me?

We think of being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as being inherently negative, but it could be a psychologically protective strategy. The flip side of this, though, is that these relationships perpetuate feelings of disconnection and lonely emotions.

If the painful emotions of relational trauma took root at a very early age, then choosing an emotionally unavailable partner may be a way that you try to wall yourself off from the potentially painful feelings of a real relationship.

The risk of pain lowers if your true self is never accepted, and therefore never rejected, abandoned or hurt. An emotionally unavailable person may feel “safe” in this way, even though the relationship dynamics leave you unsatisfied.

It takes time to learn how to choose partners differently and slowly grow trusting relationships. If we don’t, however, we’re prone to repetition compulsion, and may find ourselves wondering why each successive emotionally unavailable person fails to solve our low self esteem, and why we continue on loving someone unavailable.

Are They Emotionally Unavailable Or Slow To Connect?

Sometimes we can mistake slow and cautious connection for emotional unavailability. But how can we tell the difference?

If someone is slower than you to self-disclose personal details, that is not necessarily a red flag. Somebody may have different pacing than you do, or build intimacy more gradually. Slowing the roll doesn’t always mean that they have a fear of commitment.

A red flag may look like a person who refuses to self-disclose personal information, or who says that they don’t plan on self-disclosing, period. In this kind of red flag example, an emotionally available person may say something like “in time, I’d like to share that with you.” Emotionally unavailable people may say something like “I don’t want to talk about that. I’m not looking for anything heavy.” Do either of those sound familiar?

A partner may also struggle to be vulnerable for reasons that are personal to them. Being vulnerable is a process that looks different for everyone. Being afraid to connect emotionally, and moving slowly, may not mean that they are emotionally unavailable.

If you find that you tend to over-disclose a lot of personal detail, expect a partner to be emotionally connected quickly, or despair at the first sign of slower pacing, then you may need to look at how your craving for attention may be better served by a healthy dose of self love.

If your own fear has caused you see a partner’s autonomy as a red flag, then perhaps you aren’t attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Maybe your expectations have gotten in the way of living fully in an emotionally developing relationship, and some self reflection is needed.

Clear communication about yourselves and relationship goals is key.

How Do I Stop Being Attracted To Emotional Unavailability?

Since it doesn’t typically lead to a fulfilling relationship, being attracted to emotional unavailability can be a part of an unhealthy pattern. Here is what you can do to overcome it:

Get to the root cause of the problem: Recognize the main driving force behind your attraction to unattainable people. For example, you may realize that you prefer infatuation to an actual relationship or that your childhood wounds prevent you from giving a chance to a more available person.
Reassess your notions about romance: Once you’ve identified why you’re choosing partners the way that you do, you can work on changing your perception of romance. For example, you could evaluate the list of things you look for in a partner and decide to give different kinds of people a chance.
Try things you wouldn’t have tried before: Expose yourself to new experiences and people. Learn how to get out of the comfort zone of the familiar in other areas of your life to create more flexible thinking.
Discern intuition from pattern: If you feel drawn to someone, ask yourself if it’s because they are truly a good fit for you, or if you’re repeating a familiar cycle. This self awareness can be an important step toward change. Think about whether they could be a dependable partner instead of going after what you impulsively want in the moment.
Allow yourself to feel loved: Running after an unavailable person may leave you drained emotionally. Also, many people who are attracted to unavailability equate romance with withheld affection. To overcome this, you need to rewire yourself to look for reliability, support, care, and partnership, which are all hallmarks of true love.

Who Can Help Me Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People?

Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people can stop you from being able to enjoy a relationship completely. When it comes to choosing partners, you may subconsciously feel safer with unavailable ones, but your emotional needs pay the price, making emotional unavailability a common denominator in your relationships. We can help.

At PIVOT, we work to help our clients understand the cycles they’ve been stuck in so that they can learn to choose, cultivate and enjoy relationships that are emotionally rewarding. Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people doesn’t have to be a life-sentence. Change is possible.

We can also shed light on many other issues, like how to recover from a breakup and get a fresh start, how to know whether you’re ready to commit and tie the knot, or how to have a better relationship with your partner’s friends.Take part in one of our coaching sessions for individuals to work on your specific issues or make reservations for our couples retreat to grow with your partner. Let us know what type of personal growth you’re interested in and let’s get started!

My Partner Makes Me Feel Like I’m Not Good Enough: Why This Feeling Is Impacting Your Relationship

Posted on January 14, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you find yourself thinking, “I’m not enough,” “feeling like I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worthy of love?”

Or do you feel that you work hard to be the best, but you should be more, do more or be better? Otherwise, you don’t measure up.

Feeling not good enough is a common problem in relationship dynamics, especially when one partner has unmet needs. This often leads to defensiveness in the either partner, causing rifts in the relationship and inhibiting effective communication. It can be triggered if your friend didn’t call when she said she would, or someone rejected your ideas, or perhaps your relationship ended.

If this is you, then you may have childhood wounds that haven’t been healed.

Why Do I Feel Like I Am not Good Enough for Anyone?

As children, we are completely dependent on our parents and caregivers for food, safety, and boundaries. Most importantly, we want and need to feel loved and accepted by our primary caregivers.

Imagine a baby who’s desperate for attention, but his mother ignores him. Think about how impressionable that is for him. When babies and children don’t have a proper connection, they will crave this and grow up feeling that they are not enough.

For example, if this child was raised by a dysfunctional family, say with a narcissistic parent, then the child does not understand why that parent is not capable of empathy or love. Or an alcoholic parent who is sometimes available and other times is not able to function.

Children who live in these situations may try to fix the problem, by thinking “if I were a better child, my daddy wouldn’t drink.”

This leads them to feel that they need to be better and that somehow, they are not good enough as they are.

As they get older, they’ll continue to feel like they’re not enough, and in later years, they may turn to fixing others, food, alcohol, porn, relationships, or drugs to fill that void. These early experiences can have a lasting impact on one’s mental health, leading to struggles with self-worth and emotional stability.

The good news is that there is hope for changing the negative self-talk of feeling like you’re unworthy or feeling insecure and not good enough. These feelings often happen due to unresolved issues from childhood, but understanding and addressing them can lead to positive change.

But first, if you’re in a relationship, here are five signs that feeling this way is impacting your relationship:

Five Signs That Your Relationship Is Affected

If you rely on your partners to feel like you’re ‘enough’ — attractive enough, fun enough, smart enough, kind enough — then you’ll never be entirely happy. And it can impact your relationship because you look to your partner to fix this you. This can also erode your self-esteem, as constant feelings of inadequacy undermine your sense of self-worth.

Here are five signs that your “not good enough” thoughts are impacting your relationship:

1) You can’t totally trust your partner

Although you crave love, you may be experiencing trust issues that make you unwilling to attach to someone emotionally. If you don’t fully trust your partner, then it’s difficult to open up emotionally, which can give you a hard time and stop your relationship from growing.

Trust issues typically come from past hurts or unhealthy family relationships during childhood. Recognizing what is actually happening in your relationship, such as events that cause emotional distress and instability, is crucial to addressing these issues.

2) You compare yourself to your partner’s ex

It’s natural to be curious about your partner’s ex and other women they have been with. But if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to them or worrying you don’t measure up, then that’s a sign that your feeling of “not good enough” is taking over your relationship.

Remember, your partner chose you. They are not with their ex any longer.

3) You expect your partner to reassure you continually

Everyone wants some reassurance from their partner now and then. But if you constantly need them to validate you, their love or your relationship, then that’s a sign that negative thoughts are making you feel anxious and taking over your relationship. This often feels like you are not good enough in the eyes of your partner, which can harm your mental health and self-esteem.

This can lead to an increased fear of losing the relationship because you feel dependent on your partner as the “fix.”

4) There’s distance in your relationship

Being in a relationship is healthy when it provides the feeling of being loved, supported, and emotionally close with your partner, making you feel good. Healthy relationships give your relationship an intimate connection for you both.

If you have trouble with building emotional intimacy and communicating or you feel alone, and keep your partner at a distance, then this may be due to you feeling like you are not enough, or a diminished sense of self, and therefore your relationship will not be healthy.

5) You assume the worst about your partner

No matter what happens, you assume the worst about your partner, and this negative thought pattern can be detrimental to your relationship. If they haven’t answered their phone, it’s because they’re cheating. If they’re not with you, then they must be betraying you.

Feeling not good enough for a partner can make you believe that if they don’t say they love you all the time, then they’re “not into you.” This often leads to put downs, where one partner belittles the other with subtle and insidious comments, severely impacting self-esteem and mental health.

This changes the focus of your relationship for your partner to need to prove their feelings and their actions.

Am I Good Enough? Healing the Wounds

If you recognize any of the signs above, then just know that you’re not alone. Lots of people struggle with feeling not good enough for someone.

The good news is that you can heal yourself and experience self-acceptance so that you can have a healthy relationship. Healing involves developing self-respect and recognizing your own worth, independent of others’ opinions. Taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging your role in the relationship is equally as important.

As certified relationship coaches and therapists, we encourage our clients to not be hard on themselves. You are not “broken” or flawed.

Wave Your Insecurities Goodbye with PIVOT

The first step to overcoming insecurity is recognizing you feel this way and understanding its impact on your life. We recommend that you seek support from professionals to help you explore childhood abandonment issues and focus on healing your wounds with self-love and self-acceptance.

Remember, you are worthy of love, happiness, and a healthy relationship. You don’t need to look outside yourself for happiness and self-worth.

If you are ready to heal your feelings of not enough, then contact PIVOT. We can also help you if you’re struggling with depression, experiencing feelings of anxiety or need help overcoming codependency issues in your relationship.

Apart from individual and personalized solutions, we also provide intensive relationship coaching at our retreat center, The Glass House. We’re here to help.

Build Confidence at a Retreat for Narcissistic Abuse

Posted on January 7, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

You have taken that brave first step: you have finally recognized the manipulation, gaslighting, and love-bombing for what it is – narcissistic abuse. You have declared to yourself that enough is enough. Now what?

If you have decided to end the abuse that has kept your relationship in a continuous cycle of emotional pain, you may need help to break free once and for all. A retreat for narcissistic abuse may be just what you need to transform your world and secure your future, providing a sense of relief and empowerment.

A Retreat for Narcissistic Abuse Accelerates the Healing

Depending on the amount of time spent in this relationship, you may have developed symptoms of codependency that have left you feeling trapped. Narcissistic abuse may have also cost you other key relationships, leaving you feeling broken and alone. In any case, the trauma has no doubt damaged your psyche, self-image, and decision-making ability. You’ll need help and support building back your confidence and independence.

Our retreats for narcissistic abuse help you take that brave next step in the direction of freedom and joy. Here are some of the ways we can support you along the healing pathway.

7 Ways a Retreat for Narcissistic Abuse Accelerates the Healing
Needed for Recovery	How a Retreat Speeds the Healing
Rehabilitate your self-image	As a victim of narcissistic abuse, your self-image has likely taken a beating. The retreat’s healing focus helps you view yourself as a survivor who is worthy and capable of healthy relationships.
Restore your confidence	You will need confidence to persevere and manage your recovery pathway. The support of a retreat can build back your confidence and help you realize you are strong enough to handle the journey ahead.
Promote trust in your decisions	As you begin to understand narcissistic abuse and its impact on your sense of self, you will learn to trust your decision-making ability again. This is essential for moving forward as an independent and capable individual.
Create a support system	When you attend a retreat for narcissistic abuse, you and your coach have the opportunity to get deeply acquainted. You also build camaraderie with your fellow participants based on shared experiences. These individuals become part of a caring and empathetic support system, cheering you on as you reclaim your life and making you feel less alone and more supported.
Improve communication capacity	While learning to trust your inner voice again, you will gain communication strategies to help you express yourself effectively.
Learn to set and maintain boundaries	As you learn to recognize manipulative tactics, you will be empowered to set and maintain healthy boundaries that protect you and your interests.
Make a plan for the future	With an emphasis on self-care and a toolbox of actionable strategies, you will be on your way to building the happy, healthy relationships you desire in the future.

A PIVOT Retreat Helps You Heal Quickly

When you’re ready to break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse, time is of the essence. You want to start feeling better as soon as possible, and a PIVOT retreat is the fastest way to kickstart your healing journey.

Set in the picturesque hills of Northern California, The Glass House provides a tranquil escape from the chaos of everyday life. Here, PIVOT hosts our intimate retreats for narcissistic abuse, each limited to six guests who are all on a journey to break free from the effects of emotional abuse.

Our guests spend five days in this safe and supportive space, quieting their minds with yoga and meditation. Locally sourced, healthy meals and comfortable accommodations support you as you work through individual and group sessions. This immersive format allows you to accelerate the healing and strengthen your sense of self. If you wish to continue the work after your retreat concludes, our coaching for narcissistic abuse provides ongoing support.

What You Can Expect From the PIVOT Process

Our highly effective PIVOT Process focuses on helping you find your strength. Our clients are always impressed with how much they get from our program and how quickly they feel they are progressing.

Life-Changing Stories From Past Clients

If you wish to break the cycle of emotional turmoil and are determined to start healing quickly, a PIVOT retreat for narcissistic abuse at The Glass House provides the optimal chance for decisively regaining control of your life. The PIVOT Process helps clients understand their attachment styles and work towards building secure attachments to create healthier relationships in the future.

Accelerate the Transformation With PIVOT

PIVOT offers high-impact solutions to painful relationship challenges at our retreat for narcissistic abuse. Contact us to begin the healing journey today. You can reach us at 1-855-452-0707.

How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Once and For All

Posted on December 23, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

The cycle of narcissistic abuse is characterized by ups and downs. When times are good, they may seem too good to be true. Unfortunately, the bad times take a toll. By the time you recognize the toxic nature of this roller-coaster relationship, there may be significant damage to your sense of self. You may feel broken, hopeless, and lost.

Know this: you aren’t alone. PIVOT is your dedicated support system, standing by your side. We can help you build back your trust in yourself and your sense of hope. Let us help you learn how to finally break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Our relationship coaches are uniquely positioned to help you break this toxic pattern once and for all. If you have had enough emotional abuse from a relationship with a narcissistic partner and are ready to stand up for yourself, let us help you take your life back.

How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Get a Fresh Start with Self Love

To break the cycle of narcissistic abuse once and for all, the change has to come from you. Helping you to accomplish this transformation is where PIVOT excels. At our intensive retreat for narcissistic abuse, we provide a safe space to support individuals who desire a different path for their life. Through our exemplary process, we will help you to recognize and heal the childhood traumas, insecurities, and pains that weigh you down. As you practice self-care and regain your sense of self, you will learn step-by-step strategies for resolving conflict, improving communication, and holding protective boundaries. When you work through our proven process, you will be ready to approach relationships as a strong, resilient individual who is worthy and capable of secure attachment and healthy, reciprocal relationships.

The narcissistic abuse cycle follows a painful pattern of idealization, devaluation, rejection, and hoovering. We’ll dive deeper into these stages later. At PIVOT, our support system empowers you to break free from this toxic cycle and rebuild confidence for healthy, fulfilling relationships.

How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse for Good
Action You Must Take	How PIVOT Supports You
Validate your feelings	One of the most challenging consequences of narcissistic abuse is the self-doubt that permeates your thinking and decision-making capacity. Likely the result of gaslighting and other manipulative tactics, it undercuts your self-confidence and limits your resolve for change. Your PIVOT coach will help you to trust yourself and believe that change is possible.
Gain compassion for yourself	The emotional abuse of a narcissistic partner can make you feel really bad about yourself. You may have been putting your needs aside to keep the peace and please your partner. The PIVOT Process helps you develop compassion for yourself and prioritize your needs.
Recognize manipulation tactics	Many narcissistic manipulations are difficult to recognize. You may not realize you have fallen prey to them until it is too late. Learning to recognize these manipulative tactics can help you avoid the emotional pain they inflict.
Learn to set and hold boundaries	A lack of boundaries can make you a target of narcissistic abuse. Your PIVOT coach will help you learn to set and hold protective boundaries to guard against future abuse.
Articulate your feelings and desires	Breaking the abuse cycle once and for all means putting yourself first. The PIVOT Process helps you to get in touch with why you have fallen prey in the past and gives you tools to ensure you are not marginalized in the future. You will learn to express yourself and take charge of your life.

Part of breaking free of narcissistic abuse is understanding the patterns it often takes. Part of the PIVOT process is education on the cycle of narcissistic abuse, so you can identify it early on and avoid falling into the same toxic patterns over and over again.

Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

The cycle of narcissistic abuse is characterized by emotional abuse and manipulation tactics, often referred to as the narcissistic abuse cycle, particularly in relationships involving individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic behaviors, such as gaslighting and devaluation, contribute significantly to this cycle, making it difficult for victims to recognize and escape the manipulation. This abuse doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships—you can experience it with friends, siblings, and even parents. Narcissistic behavior often involves manipulative tactics that follow a predictable cycle, making it vital to recognize these patterns. By identifying such behaviors, you can take the necessary steps to break free from toxic dynamics and prioritize your mental health.

Narcissists are often drawn to specific vulnerabilities in a partner. Those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse or had a narcissistic parent may be particularly susceptible. Partners who are lonely, lack confidence, or have low self-esteem may also fall prey to narcissistic abuse. Likewise, people who are ill and need help or suffering from emotional or financial hardships are also especially vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation. That isn’t to say that it is your fault – anyone can fall into a narcissistic dynamic. That’s why it is so important to know the signs.

Understanding the cycle of narcissistic abuse can be a profound moment of enlightenment. It’s like finally seeing the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. This understanding empowers you to take control of your life and break free from the toxic cycle. Narcissistic manipulation can distort your sense of reality, making it crucial to trust your perceptions and seek support.

Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be incredibly challenging for you, and it requires careful planning. Recognizing narcissistic traits in your partner is the first step towards protecting yourself and seeking the help you need.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Take Your Life Back With PIVOT

If you are reading this and it feels all too familiar, we can support you. We’ve helped hundreds of people as they break free from toxic relationship dynamics and build healthier, happier connections free of abuse. Let PIVOT show you how to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse by fostering self-awareness. Start living on your terms with us by your side. Reach out or call 1-855-452-0707 to begin the journey.

How To Deal With Disorganized Attachment in a Partner

Posted on November 11, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

The Disorganized Attachment Cycle

If you are in a committed relationship with a partner who has a disorganized attachment style, you may be wondering whether healthy and happy love is even possible. Take heart that everyone is capable of finding greater security in their relationships, and your partner is no exception. Caring enough to be part of the process makes you a strong ally in their corner and provides them with a sense of security and safety in the relationship.

If you are wondering how to deal with disorganized attachment in a partner, PIVOT’s expert relationship coaches can help unravel the origins of this attachment style and map out a clear path to healing. With the support of expert PIVOT coaches, you and your partner can work through attachment insecurities and build a stronger connection and a brighter future.

How to Deal With Disorganized Attachment in Your Partner

Since attachment style affects many aspects of adult life, especially romantic relationships, getting help with an insecure attachment style can be very transformative. If your partner desires change and is willing to do the hard work to achieve more security in the relationship, your support will be especially significant.

While there is abundant information available online about attachment styles, avoid diagnosing or labeling your partner. The complexity of disorganized attachment requires special skills to uncover the origins of childhood trauma and create a pathway to behavioral change. It is best to consult a professional relationship coach who has expertise in identifying the source of relational challenges.

PIVOT offers relationship coaching through a high-impact process that provides each partner with a dedicated coach. The PIVOT process ensures that each partner’s needs are met throughout the journey, honoring that everyone’s perspective will be very different. We will help you learn to deal with your disorganized attachment partner and help your partner grow in their security and independence. Our process empowers each partner to achieve personal and relational freedom.

It’s true that your partner will have to work hard to overcome a disorganized attachment style, but the work is worth it, and there are ways to support them.

How to Support a Partner With a Disorganized Attachment Style
Be a refuge through the healing process	Since your partner likely lacked stability and security in their childhood caregivers, they will benefit greatly from the safe harbor of a supportive partner as they attempt to heal and change their behavior patterns. Your PIVOT coach will support you so that you can show up for your partner.
Maintain healthy boundaries	With the knowledge that a partner with a disorganized attachment style may be emotionally volatile, it is essential to know and maintain your limits as the healing process unfolds. Your PIVOT coach can help you set and maintain boundaries that protect you.
Be empathetic	Through learning about this complex attachment style–its origins, characteristics, and challenges–you can be a more supportive partner. You will also explore your own attachment style with your PIVOT coach and learn how it impacts your relationship.
Communicate clearly	Your PIVOT coach will arm you with a toolbox of actionable strategies to facilitate effective communication as you navigate the path to more secure attachments.
Be patient	It will take considerable time and effort for your partner to overcome decades of dealing with the effects of childhood trauma. Supporting them will require patience, and fortunately, your PIVOT coach will encourage you when the going gets tough.

Your support will be invaluable as your partner heals their childhood wounds and learns to replace dysfunctional coping mechanisms and survival patterns with sustainable relationship behaviors. Through the PIVOT process, a partner with a disorganized attachment style can gain a stronger self-image and a positive outlook on relationships. Greater attachment security and stronger relational bonds are possible.

Recognizing Disorganized Attachment

Recognizing disorganized attachment in your partner may be challenging; the first clue may be the contradictions in their behavior. With characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, people with disorganized attachment styles may display opposite extremes. For instance, they may express love and affection one moment and then seem indifferent or dissatisfied the next. They may also struggle with making decisions about the relationship or avoid discussing the future. If you are frequently troubled by the intensity or unpredictable nature of your partner’s behavior within your relationship, you may be seeing the results of childhood trauma that has led to the development of a disorganized attachment style.

How Does Disorganized Attachment Develop?

Some people with a disorganized attachment style experienced abuse or neglect in their earliest relationships, while others had caretakers who were simply ill-equipped for parenting. Instead of providing a sense of safety and stability, their caretakers became a source of fear and uncertainty. As a result, these children learned to adopt survival patterns from a very young age to help them cope with having their needs met incompletely or inconsistently. These behaviors can be particularly disruptive and destructive to partners in adult relationships.

Due to the emotional turmoil of their earliest years, partners with a disorganized attachment style suffer from insecurity and find it difficult to trust. Though they crave love and want a relationship, there is a deep fear of rejection and abandonment. These conflicting emotions may set up a self-sabotaging cycle that leaves their partner reeling and unsure of how to help.

Disorganized Attachment Is More Common Than You Think

If you feel alone in dealing with a partner with disorganized attachment, you aren’t. A survey conducted by YouGov in 2023 revealed that 14% of respondents self-selected disorganized attachment as their primary attachment style in relationships. When presented with descriptions of the four attachment styles, 11% of men and 17% of women identified with disorganized attachment, the least common of the three insecure attachment styles. It’s more common than you think, and it’s fixable if your partner is willing to put the work in.

Work Towards a Brighter Future With PIVOT Coaching

PIVOT relationship coaches offer help for individuals, couples, and families. We’ll give you insight on how to deal with a disorganized attachment partner. Our evidence-based process promotes healing and provides a framework for transformative behavioral change. Reach out to begin the journey to a healthier, happier relationship. You can reach us at 1-855-452-0707.

Broken Trust in Marriage: Root Causes and How to Rebuild

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

A certain level of trust is essential in any relationship, but in marriage, it is sacred. Your spouse should be someone you can count on and trust implicitly. What happens, then, when trust breaks down in marriage? Broken trust in your marriage may feel cataclysmic, but it doesn’t have to mean divorce. With the support of dedicated PIVOT relationship coaches, it is possible to rebuild broken trust and even strengthen your marriage.

What Causes Broken Trust in Marriage?

The first step to healing broken trust is to understand what causes it in the first place. Often, infidelity, lies, or emotional distance are just symptoms of greater underlying issues that began long before you or your partner ever cheated, lied, or emotionally withdrew from the marriage. As you work with your relationship coach, you’ll learn to identify and unpack the root causes of broken trust in marriage and move towards an actionable solution.

Here are some of the surface causes of broken trust in marriage, a deeper look at why they might arise, and what to do.

Broken Trust in Marriage: The Root Causes and Solutions
Surface Issue	Root Cause	What to Do
Insecurity	Attachment styles developed in childhood often affect security in adulthood, leading to suspicion, doubt, or jealousy in a marriage. An insecure attachment style may contribute to broken trust.	Work with your relationship coach on unpacking and reframing your attachment patterns.
Distance	Daily life can cause stressors that tear couples apart. Distance can creep into a marriage slowly – a missed phone call, an important conversation cut short, or skipped date nights. Physical distance can lead to emotional distance, making intimacy and togetherness challenging.	Regularly communicate openly and honestly. Never take each other for granted – schedule consistent date nights and check-ins.
Secrecy and Lying	Unhealthy communication patterns are usually the root cause of secrecy and deception. Maybe one partner is extremely reactive, suspicious, or jealous due to an insecure attachment style. This may make the other partner feel uncomfortable sharing thoughts with them because they often overreact or take things the wrong way. This can cause the sharing partner to feel closed off, potentially leading to secrecy or even lying.	Working with a relationship coach to develop healthier communication patterns is key here. Both of you might need to work on your communication issues individually and then come together to co-create a better way of relating to each other.
Cheating	The root causes of cheating, whether it be emotional or physical cheating, are often complex. The partner who cheats may feel lonely, isolated, or disconnected from their marriage and seek a connection elsewhere. Or, they may be dealing with insecurity, low self-esteem, or stressors. Instead of using healthy coping mechanisms, the stressed partner may turn to connections outside their marriage to help distract them.	The solution will depend on the root cause, but it will take lots of self-reflection and communication to understand what led to this breach of trust in the first place. It helps to have a relationship coach mediate and guide the conversation so it stays productive and future-oriented.

Restore the Trust in Your Marriage With a Relationship Coach

Acknowledging that you are willing to work past broken trust in your marriage is the first step towards healing. Overcoming this devastating breach is not easy, and it will take time. With so much doubt, suspicion, and insecurity emanating from the loss of trust, your best chance for overcoming this serious breach is with the expert guidance of a relationship coach.

At PIVOT, our process with couples is unique. We provide each partner with their own coach to facilitate the challenging work ahead. After each person completes their individual part of the process, their personal coach accompanies them as they meet with their spouse and their coach. Rebuilding trust begins when the couple meets together with their coaches, who can help their clients communicate and advocate for their needs with each other.

Your individual coaches will lead you and your spouse through several steps as you start the rebuilding process:

Acknowledge there is a problem with trust and take responsibility.
Allow time to grieve and accept the loss of trust.
Work to uncover underlying issues that may have preceded the broken trust.
Learn to set boundaries.
Practice effective communication strategies.
Participate in trust-building activities.
Work together on a shared plan for the future.

Your best opportunity to overcome broken trust in marriage is through the PIVOT Process, an evidence-based program that has helped thousands of people suffering in unhappy or insecure relationships. Through weekly coaching, we help couples restore trust and create a path to a happier future. For couples who desire a more intensive experience with the same process, we offer a private couples retreat at the Glass House in Northern California. In this immersive experience, you, your spouse, and your individual coaches will have the privacy and resources to work toward a shared solution for your relationship while prioritizing yourself and your needs.

Rebuild Broken Trust in Your Marriage With the PIVOT Process

Joining your life with a partner establishes a foundation and support structure that should empower you through life’s ups and downs. A breakdown of trust with your partner can be very destabilizing, shaking the foundation on which your shared life is built.

Fortunately, with the proper support, you can rebuild your lost trust. PIVOT specializes in relationship coaching for individuals, married couples, and families. Call us at 1-855-452-0707 to begin rebuilding broken trust in your marriage.

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Five Signs That Your Relationship Is Affected

1) You can’t totally trust your partner

2) You compare yourself to your partner’s ex

3) You expect your partner to reassure you continually

4) There’s distance in your relationship

5) You assume the worst about your partner

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Recognizing Disorganized Attachment

How Does Disorganized Attachment Develop?

Disorganized Attachment Is More Common Than You Think

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What Causes Broken Trust in Marriage?

Broken Trust in Marriage: The Root Causes and Solutions

Restore the Trust in Your Marriage With a Relationship Coach

Rebuild Broken Trust in Your Marriage With the PIVOT Process