Trauma Archives

When a Relationship Ends and Your Body Still Holds On

Posted on March 23, 2026March 23, 2026 by Lori Jean Glass

There’s something haunting about the way Taylor Swift sings, “I remember it all too well.” It’s not just memory, it’s something your body gets pulled back into.

The kind where your body doesn’t seem to understand that something is over. Where a look, a place, a moment can bring everything rushing back like it’s happening again. And for some people, that’s not poetic, it’s physiological. Because when you carry deep attachment wounds, you don’t just remember relationships, you re-experience them. And when they end, it doesn’t feel like loss. It feels like something inside of you has been reopened.

There are people who go through a breakup, and then there are people who aren’t just going through it; they’re reliving something. From the outside, it can look the same. A relationship ends. Someone leaves. Something falls apart. But for some people, this is not an ending. It’s an eruption.

This is not heartbreak. This is something being reactivated.

When a client carries deep abandonment or neglect wounds, the end of a relationship doesn’t stay in the present. It reaches back.

It pulls forward everything unresolved, everything unmet, everything that was never held, never processed, never understood. And when that happens, the body doesn’t say: “This relationship is over.” The body says: “This is happening again.”

And the response is immediate. Tight chest. Racing thoughts. Loss of appetite or inability to stop eating. Sleeplessness. Panic. A deep, aching sense that something is very wrong.

This is not intellectual. This is physiological. This is what I’ve called an attachment storm: a full-body activation that makes no sense to the thinking mind but total sense to the nervous system.

Not Everyone Withdraws. Some Reattach.

We often talk about withdrawal as the aftermath. But that’s only part of the story. Because for many clients, the pain is so intolerable…they cannot be alone with it.

So instead of withdrawing, they reattach. Quickly. Urgently. Sometimes desperately. They find themselves back with the same person they know isn’t right, or in a new relationship they don’t actually want.

And if you listen closely, what they’re really saying is:

“I don’t care who it is. I just can’t feel like this.”

This is not about love. This is about relief.

People move quickly from one relationship to another to avoid the pain of being alone. The behavior can look compulsive, an urgency to attach, a difficulty tolerating separation, or a pattern of reaching for connection to regulate overwhelming emotion. In that way, it mirrors addiction.

Just calling it addiction can also be misleading and, for some, deeply shaming. Because love is not the problem. The desire for connection is not the problem. In fact, it’s one of the most human, beautiful, and essential parts of being alive. What we’re really seeing is a relationship to pain that hasn’t yet been understood. And when we reduce that to a label alone, we risk missing the deeper truth: these are people who aren’t chasing love, they’re trying to escape the unbearable feeling of losing it.

There’s another version of this that doesn’t get talked about enough, and that’s when two people are still in the relationship, but they’re caught in the storm together. The threat of the relationship ending gets expressed, but they don’t leave. They don’t resolve. And over time, something subtle but significant begins to happen; they become more and more distant from one another.

When attachment repair hasn’t been done, even a small threat to the relationship can feel massive. One partner’s insecurity or fear gets activated. The other partner feels it and reacts. What might look like a manageable conflict from the outside quickly escalates into something much deeper, old wounds of abandonment, neglect, not being seen, not being chosen. And instead of moving toward each other, they begin to protect themselves from each other. The storm passes, but nothing actually gets repaired. So the distance remains… and quietly grows.

The Oscillation: anxious to depressed.

There’s another pattern that’s harder to name in withdrawal, and I see it in clients all the time. This is what I call The Swing.

One day: Anxious, Activated, Reaching, Trying to fix, Solve, Reconnect

The next: Shut down, Numb, Disconnected, Hopeless

This fluctuation can be so intense that even the people closest to them say, “You don’t seem like yourself.” And the truth is, they’re not. Because when the system is this dysregulated, identity becomes unstable.

Add in medication changes, which are often introduced in the middle of this storm, you can see what looks like a complete personality shift. But underneath it all, the driver is the same: A system trying to survive pain that it does not yet know how to process. I’m not suggesting that meds aren’t helpful; however, it’s important that the prescriber understands attachment wounds and the medications you are on allow you to feel and work through the withdrawal process.

There is also the experience of being in relationship with someone who is in that swing. One moment, they’re reaching for you, needing reassurance, closeness, connection. Next, they’re shut down, distant, or emotionally unavailable. And if you’re the partner on the receiving end of that, it can feel disorienting. You don’t know which version of them you’re going to get. You may start questioning yourself about what you said, what you did, and what you missed. You may try harder, pull back, or walk on eggshells just to keep things steady. But the truth is, you didn’t create the swing, and you can’t regulate it for them.

Without understanding what’s actually happening beneath the surface, both people can end up exhausted, misunderstood, and alone… experiencing withdrawal even while still in the relationship.

Relational withdrawal: a painful reality few understand

For those who go through withdrawal, let’s be clear: This is not peaceful. This is not a clean, grounded step back. This often feels like:

Emptiness
Loneliness that borders on panic
Questioning everything
Losing interest in things that once mattered

Clients will say:

“I feel like I’m in a dark hole.”

And that’s the right language. Because this phase, when done consciously, is what many describe as a dark night of the soul. Not because something is wrong. But because something is being stripped away. The illusions. The patterns. The ways they’ve been relating that no longer work.

This is the part most people want to skip

They want relief. They want the pain to stop. They want to feel like themselves again.

There’s something else happening right now that I think is important to name. Many people are turning to psychedelics in search of relief, hoping for a breakthrough, an emotional release, a way to finally access and discharge the pain they’ve been carrying. And for some, those experiences can feel profound. They can open something. They can create insight. If the journey is not facilitated by a guide with experience in internal family systems or attachment work, the insight, without integration, doesn’t change your life. And a moment of emotional release is not the same as sustainable change.

If you don’t understand what shifted, if you don’t know how to regulate yourself when the feeling comes back, and it will, you can find yourself right back in the same place, looking for the next experience to take you out of it again. The work isn’t just accessing the wound. The work is learning how to stay with yourself once you are sitting with the activation again.

Here’s the truth: If you bypass this phase, you will recreate the same relationship in a different form. Because the pattern is still intact.

This is where change becomes possible

What this phase is actually asking of someone is profound: It’s asking them to stay. Not in the relationship. But in themselves.

To begin to:

Feel what they’ve spent years avoiding
See the patterns that have been running their life
Understand how their past is shaping their present choices
Build the capacity to regulate without reaching for immediate relief

This is not fast work. And it’s not easy. For someone with deep attachment wounds, being alone in their own emotional experience can feel like abandonment itself.

Time is not the enemy here

One of the most important things to understand is this process takes time. Not because something is wrong. But because something real is happening. You are:

Rewiring how you attach
Rebuilding your sense of self
Learning to tolerate feelings you’ve never been taught to hold

That doesn’t happen in a weekend. Our brains are pattern-seeking devices, and we need to participate in that rewiring. Knowing that the storm will move through and learning how to lean into it and prepare for its return changes everything. Over time, you do learn that you DO have the right equipment to weather the storm.

And when people rush this, when they jump back into relationships, numb out, or override their experience, they interrupt the very process that would set them free.

Who you surround yourself with matters more than ever

During this phase, sensitivity is at an all-time high. Everything lands deeper. Everything matters more. And this is where people can either move toward healing…or reinforce their patterns.

Because if they are surrounded by people who:

Minimize their experience
Push them to “move on.”
Encourage distraction over understanding
Or worse, benefit from their dysregulation

…it will keep them stuck. What they need instead is:

Grounded, emotionally responsible support
People who don’t over-function or under-show up
Environments where they can be honest without being judged or rescued
Time with yourself to begin having healthy, corrective experiences that aren’t dependent on another romantic relationship

In this phase, they are learning to rebuild trust in themselves.

Support groups can be incredibly valuable during this time. There is something deeply human about sitting in a room with others who are also in pain, who understand, who relate, who can say, “me too.” That kind of shared experience can reduce isolation in a powerful way. It’s also important to understand that not everyone in that room is experiencing the same storm. The origin of the wound is often different. The intensity of the activation is different. The patterns driving behavior are different.

So while advice is often shared with the best of intentions, not all of it will apply to you. And the challenge is that during this phase, your ability to think clearly and discern what’s right for you is often compromised by the very activation you’re in.

For example, someone who goes into withdrawal after being raised in an engulfing environment will often need something very different than someone whose system was shaped by abandonment. The behaviors may look similar on the surface, but what’s driving them, and what will actually help, are not the same.

I found myself in a storm decades ago and reached for support. I had a sponsor in a 12-step program who helped me begin to understand the abandonment and unmet longing I felt after a breakup. But what I didn’t yet see was that I wasn’t just grieving the relationship, I was carrying the loss of my father from a very young age. I was trying to replace something that could never be replaced, and it was driving me into relationships that were almost guaranteed to fail.

At the same time, I was working with another sponsor in a different program to address what looked like codependency with the man who had just left. But underneath that was something else entirely; growing up with an alcoholic mother had shaped my inability to trust relationships in the first place.

The problem wasn’t the support. It was that I didn’t yet understand how these pieces fit together. The messages were fragmented, and instead of clarity, I felt more confused, trying to make sense of something my system didn’t yet know how to organize.

And underneath all of it was one question that wouldn’t let go:

Why?

Why did I do what I did?
Why didn’t he want me back?
Why am I like this?

This is why having someone who truly understands attachment, can see what’s happening beneath the surface, and can help you navigate it in real time can make all the difference. Not to replace community, but to ensure you’re not trying to find your way through something this complex without a clear and grounded guide. The complexities with each individual story vary. For some, they need to have contact with someone who wounded them because they have children, shared assets, etc.

What this means for you

If you are here, in the withdrawal, in the reaching, in the confusion, I want you to know that you are not lost. You are in the middle of something. Something that feels like it’s taking you apart…but is actually asking you to come back to yourself.

This part takes time. It will feel unfamiliar. At times, it will feel unbearable. And you will be tempted to leave it; to distract, to attach, to override what’s happening inside of you.

But if you can stay…if you can let this season do what it’s here to do, you won’t come out the same. You’ll come out clearer. More grounded. More honest about what you need, what you choose, and what you will no longer tolerate. And most importantly, you will learn not to abandon yourself.

What begins to change everything is when you start to understand that it’s not just “you” reacting, it’s parts of you. Parts that learned, at different stages of your life, how to survive loss, disconnection, and unmet need. And when those parts get activated, they don’t need to be silenced or pushed away; they need to be seen, understood, and repaired. Whether you are alone in withdrawal or sitting across from someone you love and struggling to stay connected, the work is the same: learning to turn toward yourself rather than abandoning yourself in the moments that matter most.

This is where real strength is built. Not in avoiding the darkness, but in learning how to find yourself inside of it. To stay. To listen. To respond differently. And over time, to realize you are not as lost as you thought. You are becoming someone who can walk through the dark and still find your way back to your own light.

There’s a line in Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising, “Come on up to the rising.” The song was written in the aftermath of collective loss, and it speaks to something deeper than grief; it speaks to what it takes to stand back up inside of yourself after you’ve been brought to your knees. And this is what I’ve witnessed over and over again in people as they move through an attachment storm. At some point, the reaching stops, the running slows, and there’s a moment, often quiet, often hard, where they begin to turn inward instead of outward. Not to collapse, but to meet themselves. To feel what’s there. To stay. To rise, not by escaping the pain, but by becoming someone who can hold it.

That’s the rising. It’s not external. It is internal. And when it happens, it changes everything.

Enmeshment Trauma: Explanation & Causes

Posted on March 4, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Enmeshment trauma, a significant psychological concept, can play an important role in shaping an individual’s emotional and relational well-being. This condition, often overlooked in the broader discourse on mental health, involves deeply intertwined relationships where personal boundaries are not just unclear but virtually nonexistent.

This detailed exploration aims to shed light on the meaning of enmeshment trauma, examining its causes, and distinguishing its various forms, including toxic and narcissistic. Offering insights into the profound impact of this dynamic on personal identity and emotional health can help individuals recognize and address these complex dynamics in their own lives.

This understanding is key for anyone on the path to emotional independence and healthier interpersonal relationships.

What Is Enmeshment Trauma?

Enmeshed trauma emerges in relationships where there’s an excessive merging of emotional and psychological identities between individuals. This dynamic is most prevalent in close familial or romantic relationships, where individual boundaries become so intertwined that it’s hard to distinguish where one person ends and the other begins. The main characteristics of this dynamic include:

Loss of Personal Identity: Individuals in these relationships often struggle to identify their own needs, emotions, and desires, which often leads to a diminished sense of self.
Emotional Overdependence: There’s a heightened reliance on others for emotional support, validation, and approval, often to the detriment of personal emotional independence.
Impaired Decision-Making: The ability to make independent decisions is compromised, as choices are heavily influenced or dictated by the other person in the relationship.
Persistent Stress and Anxiety: The continuous emotional labor required to maintain the relationship results in chronic stress and anxiety, and may lead to depression or other mental health issues.

Individuals dealing with enmeshment trauma symptoms often find it challenging to form healthy relationships outside of this dynamic, as they may lack the experience or understanding of balanced, independent interpersonal connections.

What Is The Cause Of Enmeshment Trauma?

The roots of this relational dynamic are often established in the earliest years of an individual’s life. Overprotective or controlling caregivers play a significant role in this process. When parents or guardians exert excessive control, often believing they are acting in the child’s best interest, they inadvertently create a relational environment where the child’s independence and sense of self are stifled.

This overprotection can stem from the caregiver’s own anxieties, past experiences, or unmet emotional needs, leading to a pattern where the child’s role subtly shifts from being cared for to fulfilling the emotional requirements of the caregiver.

In some familial settings, parents or guardians may unconsciously look to their children to satisfy their own emotional needs. This reversal of roles places undue emotional burdens on the child, disrupting the natural flow of nurturing and support that defines the caregiver-child relationship.

This dynamic often leads to what is known in psychological terms as enmeshment childhood trauma, where the child’s emotional development is deeply entangled with the emotional state and needs of the caregiver.

Furthermore, the absence of healthy boundaries in family relationships plays a crucial role in the development of these relational patterns. In households where personal boundaries are neither acknowledged nor respected, children may grow up with a skewed understanding of personal space, autonomy, and the importance of individual identity. This lack of boundaries often leads to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy adult relationships, manifesting as enmeshed trauma in adults.

Cultural factors and family expectations further compound these dynamics. In many cultures and family structures, there is a strong emphasis on collective well-being and familial harmony, often at the expense of individual expression and autonomy.

In such environments, personal needs and aspirations may be routinely suppressed to maintain family cohesion or adhere to societal norms. This cultural backdrop can reinforce and perpetuate the patterns of over-involvement and lack of boundaries that are central to the development of this complex relational trauma.

What Is Toxic Enmeshment?

While all relationships marked by enmeshment trauma share certain characteristics, such as blurred boundaries and emotional interdependence, they can become particularly toxic when these elements intensify to the point of causing significant distress and dysfunction.

1. Emotional Suffocation and Overwhelming Demands

In these dynamics, one or both individuals may feel perpetually trapped, burdened by an unceasing torrent of emotional demands from the other party. This relentless pressure can create a feeling of being emotionally suffocated, where there seems to be no room for individual feelings, thoughts, or experiences.

The overwhelming nature of these demands often leads to a profound sense of entrapment, making it difficult for individuals to see a way out of the relationship. Recognizing these experiences as signs of enmeshed trauma is crucial in acknowledging the issue and seeking help.

2. Manipulation and Power Imbalances

Another sign of this harmful dynamic is the use of manipulation and control tactics. These tactics might include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or other forms of emotional manipulation designed to maintain the status quo of the relationship. As a result, a cycle of dependence and power imbalance is created, where one individual consistently holds sway over the other’s emotional state and decisions.

3. Neglect of Individual Needs and Identity

In such relationships, there’s often a stark neglect of one’s own needs, desires, and sense of self. The constant focus on satisfying the other person’s emotional needs leads to a loss of personal identity and self-worth. Individuals may find themselves making significant sacrifices, ignoring their well-being, and sidelining their aspirations to maintain the relationship.

4. Challenges in Breaking Free

The deeply ingrained nature of these patterns makes them particularly challenging to address and change. Breaking free from such dynamics can be a very emotionally taxing process. It requires not only the recognition of these unhealthy patterns but also the development of emotional resilience, support mechanisms, and often professional guidance to navigate the complex process of disentangling oneself from these toxic patterns.

Depending on the person and the situation, this process can take months or even years, as it’s not easy to break out of the patterns that one has been functioning within for most of their life.

What Is Narcissistic Enmeshment?

Narcissistic enmeshment refers to a specific pattern within relationships where one individual, often exhibiting traits of narcissism, dominates and controls the dynamic. It’s important to note that narcissism is a clinical diagnosis that cannot be applied casually. However, in relationships where narcissistic traits are present, enmeshment trauma may occur due to the narcissist’s tendency to manipulate and exert control over others.

In such dynamics, the narcissist often uses emotional manipulation, such as guilt or flattery, to entwine the other person’s identity and emotions with their own needs and desires. This creates a scenario where the non-narcissistic individual’s needs and identity are overshadowed, leading to a loss of autonomy and self-esteem. The affected individual might feel constantly compelled to cater to the narcissist’s demands, losing sight of their emotional well-being in the process.

Recover From Enmeshment Childhood Trauma With PIVOT

The journey to healthy, autonomous relationships is both challenging and rewarding. At PIVOT, we understand the intricacies of this journey and are here to support you every step of the way. The serene setting of our Glass House Retreat offers a safe space where you can recognize enmeshed trauma examples in your own life and focus on personal growth and relational healing. Our team of compassionate coaches will work with you to unravel the complexities of your relationships, providing the guidance and support needed to foster independence and healthy connections. Join us and start your journey towards transforming enmeshed relationships into sources of strength and fulfillment.

Overcoming Betrayal Trauma: How to Do It

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Overcoming betrayal in relationships is a complex and often painful process. Whether it stems from infidelity, deception, or broken promises, broken trust can fundamentally shake any relationship. It’s not just the act itself but the ripple of doubt, hurt, and confusion it creates that makes dealing with this situation so challenging. This experience can occur in any type of connection, be it romantic, familial, or friendship, with each instance leaving negative consequences on our emotional well-being.

Overcoming betrayal trauma is not easy, as the impact goes beyond immediate emotional pain. It can linger, influencing our thoughts, behaviors, and future interactions. The journey through this landscape of mistrust and hurt is not straightforward. It involves grappling with a mix of emotions, questioning our judgment, and reassessing our understanding of trust.

Getting over the consequences caused by such deep breaches of trust is about more than just moving on from the event. It involves a careful and often difficult process of healing betrayal trauma, introspection, and sometimes, forgiveness. This journey is about finding ways to deal with the emotional wounds, rebuild confidence in our ability to trust, and, in some cases, restore the damaged bonds of our connections.

Does The Pain Of Betrayal Ever Go Away?

The pain from a deep disappointment in a relationship is both intense and personal, often feeling like an emotional wound. In the beginning, it’s common to be swept up in a flood of emotions, from anger and sadness to a profound sense of confusion.

However, with time and active effort in processing these emotions, the pain starts to lessen. Once the individual acknowledges their hurt, understands the situation that caused it, and takes steps towards self-care, the pain can start becoming easier to handle.

This journey isn’t a straight line. It’s full of ups and downs, with days of progress and times of setback. Patience with oneself during this process is very important, as is the support from understanding friends, family, or a counselor.

Learning how to cope with betrayal trauma is easier with healthy coping strategies that the individual can practice over time. The process is less difficult if the individual takes everything one day at a time and finds what helps them gradually recover and rebuild.

Over time, the overwhelming emotions will likely begin to subside. This change is an important part of the journey towards a more stable and calm state of mind. It’s a journey of adapting, healing, and eventually finding a new sense of normalcy.

How Do I Stop Obsessing Over Betrayal?

Moving past a profoundly hurtful experience often involves dealing with persistent thoughts about the details and the pain it causes. This rumination is a natural process of the mind trying to make sense of what happened, but it can also lead to being stuck in a cycle of pain. Implementing specific, actionable strategies can help shift the focus from these thoughts to recovery.

1. Structured Reflection Through Journaling

Journaling can be a powerful tool for managing painful and complex thoughts. Setting aside a specific time each day for this activity can help contain reflection to a designated period. This could help the individual understand their emotions better.

2. Engaging In Fulfilling Activities

Engaging in activities that occupy the mind and provide joy or relaxation can be helpful. This could involve new hobbies, such as painting or gardening, or physical activities like yoga or hiking. The aim is to immerse oneself in experiences that divert attention and bring a sense of fulfillment and peace.

3. Mindfulness And Meditation

Mindfulness and meditation practices can be effective in grounding thoughts in the present moment. Simple exercises, especially involving breathing control, can help calm the mind and reduce the tendency to dwell on past events. Incorporating these practices into a daily routine can provide a peaceful escape from intrusive thoughts.

4. Seeking Supportive Company

Spending time with supportive friends or family members can be highly beneficial. Engaging with people who offer upliftment and validation can be incredibly healing. Sharing experiences with empathetic listeners can also provide significant relief.

5. Professional Guidance

When self-managed strategies are insufficient, seeking professional help may be necessary. A therapist or a coach can offer specific guidance on how to overcome betrayal trauma, providing personalized support and coping techniques tailored to individual situations.

Can Betrayal Trauma Be Healed?

Betrayal trauma healing is indeed possible, although it may look different for everyone. The resilience of the human spirit, coupled with the right approach and support, can lead to a meaningful recovery. The journey isn’t always easy and often requires confronting and working through complex and challenging emotions.

However, countless individuals have navigated this path successfully, emerging with a deeper understanding of themselves and their capacity to handle life’s adversities. While the scars of the broken trust might not disappear completely, their impact diminishes over time with proper care and attention.

While learning how to heal betrayal trauma, individuals can gradually regain a sense of equilibrium and perspective. There’s an opportunity to transform this experience from being solely painful to something that can offer insight and personal growth. This transformation doesn’t negate the hurt but adds a layer of strength and wisdom to how one views themselves and their relationships.

In essence, healing betrayal trauma is not just a return to the state you were in before, but an evolution into a more grounded and self-aware individual. This is as much about recovering from the hurt as it is about growing from it.

How To Heal From Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship?

This journey often involves a blend of personal introspection and mutual effort from both partners. It starts with acknowledging the pain and allowing space for both individuals to express their feelings and perspectives.

Professional counseling, such as couple’s therapy, can provide a structured and supportive environment for this process. Here, both partners can work through their emotions, understand the underlying issues, and learn new ways to communicate and reconnect.

Rebuilding trust is a critical component of this process. This involves not only regaining faith in the partner but also in one’s own judgment. Overcoming betrayal in relationships can be easier when the individuals see that the situation was a result of specific actions and choices, not a reflection of the entire relationship or one’s own worth.

As trust is gradually rebuilt, the connection may evolve to be stronger and more transparent. It’s a journey that takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow both individually and as a couple.

How To Overcome Betrayal Trauma With PIVOT

The path to recovering from deep emotional wounds in relationships is a journey you don’t have to undertake alone. PIVOT is here to support you every step of the way, helping you forge a path toward more fulfilling and resilient connections.

At our peaceful Glass House Retreat, our team of compassionate and experienced coaches offers guidance and actionable strategies. We specialize in helping individuals navigate the complexities of emotional recovery, providing tools and insights to not only recognize the impact of these experiences but also to effectively work through them.

In our nurturing and supportive setting, you’ll have the opportunity to engage in a journey of self-discovery and relationship rebuilding. Whether it’s through our comprehensive group programs or tailored individual coaching sessions, our approach is designed to meet your specific needs and circumstances.

Start your journey towards renewed trust in relationships today. Contact PIVOT and take the first step in transforming your experiences into a foundation for stronger, healthier connections in your life.