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For many, nothing is more thrilling than the beginning of a new relationship and falling in love. You’re excited about getting to know your new partner, you love spending time with each other, and everything seems ideal or as close to it as possible. Then, as this initial phase subsides, the true colors of illusioned perfection start rearing their head, and you might very well find yourself in a table-turning situation. One minute, everything’s perfect; the next, you constantly feel at fault, incapable of understanding how the identical things you do can be both right and wrong. There’s a name for this – love bombing. 

During various love bombing phases, your partner will do everything to display themself as your perfect partner. Granting you absolute attention, making you feel like the only person in the world, buying luxurious gifts…Non-stop. As your defenses falter, they gradually start moving on to the next love bombing stage, sabotaging your very understanding of the affection they bestowed. Eventually, you find yourself losing your identity, isolated from the true love of family and friends.

What Are The Stages Of Love Bombing? 

In the narcissist love bombing cycle, the fairytale phase doesn’t last forever. Once they’ve got you under their spell, manipulation begins, and they start alternating between grand gestures, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering. These are the four love bombing stages you can typically distinguish in such a relationship. 

1. Love Bombing

Initially, your partner will make you feel so loved that you cannot imagine your life without them. You start feeling dependent on them and, naturally, expect this form of love to continue. 

The first phase is difficult to distinguish from the honeymoon phase most relationships go through. The main difference is that this form of behavior is mainly directed only from your partner to you in their narcissistic attempt to gain control over you. While their gestures may seem to be romantic and thoughtful, they usually go overboard. 

2. Devaluing

What comes after love bombing, once they’ve established control over you, is that your extremely generous and loving partner suddenly becomes judgemental and cold. They are love bombing and then pulling away. You may find yourself remembering the beginning of your relationship when the attention and gifts were pouring, wondering what you’ve done wrong to be deprived of it. This allows your partner to withhold and manipulate attention so they feel in control quickly. 

You may start losing the sense of who you are because they’re managing all the little and not-so-little things, which can be anything from how you present yourself to how you dress. They’ll overtly let you know how they feel about your “mistakes” and often gaslight you when you try to defend yourself. You may feel like you’re under their constant evaluation, and you don’t measure up. 

3. Discarding

Once you’ve experienced emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and excessive criticism, you’ll probably feel so devastated and wounded that you’re no longer enjoyable for them to manipulate. This can cause them to either leave without much warning or push you away and cause a breakup. 

During their absence, you’re left with confusion, feelings of guilt, and low self-esteem. You may believe that you’re the reason for the mistreatment, and it’s your fault that you no longer receive the affection and love that you experienced in the beginning. This is why it can be tough to move on and engage in new relationships.

Hoovering

After they’ve been gone for a while, they can return with even more tactics. Attention and gifts start again to lure you back into the relationship, trying to reach out for help, proving how much they’ve changed, or claiming they won’t find anyone like you. 

They also tend to cross boundaries, such as showing up where they know they can reach you to check your response and how easily they could again manipulate your emotional state. While they may seem to show genuine regret, the truth is they miss the control rather than the relationship.

How Long Does Love Bombing Stage Last? 

There’s no precise answer to how long the first stage of the cycle can last. On average, it can go anywhere between several weeks to several months. They tend to persist with it until you’re either completely seduced or you make it clear that their efforts have been in vain. While many victims perceive exaggerated declarations and gestures as red flags and get out, others tend to be more susceptible to this form of behavior, especially if they’ve been previously abused, have low self-esteem, or are particularly empathetic.

What Is The Next Stage After Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a tactic typically used by narcissists to establish control dependency. Unfortunately, once it’s over and they’ve reached their goal, they usually withhold the affection and love they used to give in excess. They’ll likely meet any hint of your desire to leave with rage or threats. They may gaslight and blame you for all their problems, suddenly destroying the illusion that you’ve found your soulmate.

This phase is typically emotionally devastating and described as invalidating, confusing, degrading, and inconsistent. This experience can seriously harm your self-esteem and sense of self and self-worth. 

Learn How To Cope With Every Love Bombing Stage With PIVOT

Whether you’re looking for a way out of this vicious cycle or you’ve experienced it before and want to regain your inner self and self-esteem, our reliable and experienced specialists are here to carefully listen to your experience and provide you with proper guidance to help you get back on track. Opt for our comprehensive attachment–oriented Glass House retreat or book your individual coaching session. We’ll devise a tailored plan and work together with you to help you reach your full potential and feel ready and safe to engage in a new, healthy relationship. 

Our certified experts take a relational and attachment-oriented approach to help you heal your emotional intelligence and reap all the benefits of it. We’ll help you learn to recognize red flags and successfully avoid becoming a victim. Contact our dedicated professionals today!

One moment, you’re showered with expensive gifts and all the attention anyone could ever ask for. Then, your partner gets upset when you socialize and spend time with others, leaving you feeling cut off from your friends and family. Why? This can and will leave you confused about what and, more importantly, why this is happening. And that’s just the beginning of most innocent love bombing signs. 

Initially, you may have felt spellbound by your partner’s grand gestures, enough to make any individual feel desired and important. Gradually, the truth behind these actions might start coming to light, getting you to realize that they’re your partner’s means to manipulate you and make you feel dependent on them. What felt like the beginning of a perfect love story can turn into a controlling, abusive, codependent, or manipulative relationship. Learning more about love bombing signs in a relationship can help protect your safety and well-being.

What Is Love Bombing And What Are Examples? 

Love bombing is a type of manipulative behavior, involving emotional and psychological abuse. It’s when your partner goes above and beyond for you in order to control the relationship. It’s typically triggered by their dependence on others, inability to trust, and their insecurities. They may also do this intentionally or unintentionally. 

Now, what does love bombing look like? While it can have different forms, it typically involves love bombing examples such as:

• Exaggerated praise and flattery.
• Showering you with lots of wanted, unwanted, or unneeded gifts.
• Over-communicating their feelings for you.
• Intense and early talks about building a future together. 

Your partner will often use enticing phrases to get a grip of you immediately. These phrases are typically over-the-top and can even cause you to feel uncomfortable. Some common expressions include:

• “You’re the perfect woman/man.”
• “You’re my soulmate.”
• “We’re soulmates.”
• “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
• “You complete me.”
• “I won’t meet anyone like you ever again.”

While these phrases can make you feel like you’re the center of the universe, they’re intended to make you believe so and distract you from your partner’s true intentions. 

How Can You Tell If Someone Is Love Bombing? 

Spotting the signs can be difficult once you’re caught in the cycle, especially since starting a new relationship is normally exciting, and we generally tend to view the new partner with rose-colored glasses. So how do you tell apart genuine love and actions of a sociopath or a narcissist?

Here are 9 signs that can signify that your partner is, in fact, a love bomber:

• Giving you excessive compliments. If they’re obviously exaggerating and constantly throwing heaps of compliments at you, it can be a red flag. They use this tactic to make your mind connect your self-worth and self-esteem with their opinion of you. 
• Spending time with you non-stop. If they want to spend unreasonable amounts of time with you, regardless of your commitments to others or your obligations, they’re probably desperately trying to move forward as fast as possible. You may find yourself ignoring work responsibilities or family or missing out on things you want to do. 
• They want to know every single thing about you. They seem fascinated by you and want to learn every detail about you. However, they often use sensitive information to weaponize and control you later in the relationship. 
• Exaggerating with expensive gifts. If they give you presents that feel over the top and let you know how much they paid for them, they’re probably trying to make you feel obligated to them.
• Introducing you to important people. They may introduce you to the people who are important to them early on to give you the sense that your relationship is quickly becoming serious. These can be their close friends, children, or family members.  
• They need continual validation. You constantly feel you need to reassure them. Compliments are not enough for them. Their constant need to validate their greatness and worth makes up for their fragile and insecure self-esteem, and they heavily rely on you for reassurance.
• Morphing into your ideal match. They can intentionally show themselves exactly who they think you want them to be by constantly agreeing. In this situation, you may notice inconsistencies in what they said at the beginning versus what they say now. 
• Saying “I love you” too soon. It usually takes some time for us to fall in love and feel comfortable to say it. While this depends on the couple, the average time for this is about three months. However, in the case of love bombing, it can be a matter of days or weeks.  
• They want to move in fast. Moving in together is a beautiful step in a relationship. However, it usually comes a bit further down the road after determining your shared values and compatibility. Their urge to do this early is a way to infiltrate your life and manipulate you.

If you believe you’re dealing with a love bomber, setting healthy and clear boundaries is crucial. Another essential step is to confide with a support system, which can be your family members, friends, support groups, or licensed professionals. 

What Does Narcissistic Love Bombing Look Like?

If your partner is trying to manipulate you with excessive attention, they may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, love bombing narcissist signs aren’t much different from those coming from a partner whose behavior is triggered by other motives or disorders. Typically, they’re exceedingly communicative about their feelings for you and may claim that you’re their soulmate. They may flood you with their desire to talk about your future together. Yet, this only serves to gain your full admiration and control over you.

Learn Common Love Bombing Signs And Let PIVOT Help You Manage

If you’d like to learn more about the most common red flags and what to do when you notice them, our experienced professionals can help you gain valuable insights and efficient methods you can use to safely remove yourself from a potentially emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. We’ll work closely with you through fully personalized individual coaching or a regenerative Glass House retreat, and carefully lead you every step of the way. Reach out to our specialists today and experience the benefits of professional support!

Are you dazzled by the romantic, fairytale-like gestures you lavishly receive from your new partner every day? Are you thinking you’ve finally found your perfect match and are excited about their hints about building a future together? This might just be the case, and you’re the lucky one in the fire of true affection. However, it’s also possible that you’ve found yourself in what’s called narcissistic love bombing.

Now, what is a love bomber? At first, what your partner does for you feels good, granting you all the attention and making you feel seen, admired, and respected. However, it’s possible that the motivation behind such behavior is to make you dependent on them eventually. Once they feel they’ve secured everything you are with their acts of affection and attention, their other personality traits rise to the surface. 

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing definition can be interpreted as emotional abuse where your partner uses impressive gestures in order to manipulate you intentionally. These can include compliments, affection, and gifts. However, these are only their means to make you dependent, allowing them to control the relationship. Once they feel they really have you under control, they become manipulative, abusive, and difficult. 

These individuals tend to experience an emotional void that they have the urge to fill with their partner’s love. However, once they feel secure in a relationship, their true intentions unravel. This can make you feel like you owe them an equal amount of loyalty and adoration in return for all that attention and gifts you’ve received. However, know that love does not require that amount of initial love rush. 

What Happens When You Are Love Bombed?

At the beginning of your new relationship, you may view your partner as charming and particularly attentive, continually praising you and telling you how much they adore you. They idealize you from the very beginning, and you may also very quickly perceive them as emotionally attached to you.

After this initial phase, after they’ve done everything to get you under their spell, they start alternating between being loving and cruel. They mainly display their kindness in public to keep others believing how great they are. However, in private, they let their true character loose and often turn psychologically abusive. Your relationship becomes a vicious circle where gifts and affection are replaced by sociopathic nastiness, followed by a desperate endeavor to reconcile.

Why Do People Love Bomb?

This behavior typically stems from dependence on others and insecurities related to trust. While love bombing in long-term relationships or any other form of relationship can be unconscious, it can also be intentional manipulation. Either way, it makes you feel guilty about questioning your partner’s actions. This manipulative tactic is often used by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, where they feel entitled to praise and attention and are extremely self-important. 

However, it can also be a behavior that they learned from childhood trauma, past abusive relationships, or parents. Some common reasons include:

Family Culture Of Expressiveness And Affection

They may have grown up in a family or cultural environment that encourages expressing appreciation or fondness for each other. For some, probably, their intent isn’t harmful or severe, and they don’t realize that their heaps of attention are causing uneasiness and concern. 

Loneliness

If they thrive on staying in a romantic relationship or they’ve been alone for a more extended period of time, their intent to love you may be sincere. The intense attention can be their way of not losing you while your relationship develops. There’s typically no preconceived intent to influence or deceive you, just a strong desire for attachment. 

The Need To Keep You On Hold

In this case, your partner is probably making a calculated attempt to make you stay while they have time to decide what they really want. They seek a stable and secure relationship, yet they’re hesitant to embrace emotional vulnerability. While their attention makes you stick around, it doesn’t necessarily indicate they’re ready for consistent commitment. 

Desire To Influence Or Manipulate

This motive is the most serious one and often comes from a narcissist or sociopath. In this case, love bombing typically occurs in several phases, including idealizing, devaluing, and discarding. Further, developing a romantic relationship with this type of love bomber can have you suffering immense emotional as well as financial damage. In extreme situations, it can even become life-threatening.

How Do You Know If You’re Being Love Bombed?

Recognizing narcissist love bombing can be difficult. It may cause a part of you to feel embarrassed about how intense your relationship is, causing you to downplay it to others. Unfortunately, an abusive relationship isn’t clear-cut in all situations. However, there are some red flags that can alert you that your partner is likely a manipulator. Here’s what to look for:

• They shower you with exaggerated flattery and over-the-top compliments. They know and say precisely what you need to hear. 
• They tend to ignore your schedule and time because they’re self-centered and focused on their own needs. 
• When they give you luxurious gifts, they’ll remind you about them and how much they’ve done for you, particularly when you question their actions. 
• They’ll display loads of affection on social media and in public because they want to manipulate the impression of a perfect relationship. 
• Because they need perpetual reassurance, they’ll become angry or even threaten you if you don’t reply to a text. 
• You start feeling uneasy in their presence and fear being berated and punished by them. 
• They tend to confuse you. Because of their insecurity, they’ll blame you, making any problems look like your fault.
• They gradually gain more control over you through gaslighting, making you second-guess your reality and yourself. 
• They detach you from friends and family, so you only rely on them. 
• Because of the emotional abuse, you may experience anxiety or depression.

If you realize you’re involved with a dishonest person who’s abusing you to fulfill their own needs, distancing yourself and seeking support outside the relationship is the safest way out. Rely on your family, friends, or a specialist for an objective perspective, and remember there’s no need to take the blame for what happened. 

Let PIVOT Help You Deal With Narcissistic Love Bombing 

Whether you’re wondering, “Am I love bombing?” or you’ve just got out of an abusive relationship, PIVOT is here to help you restore your emotional well-being. Our certified experts are here to skillfully and gently guide you on your way. Whether through our meticulous coaching for individuals or our empowering Glass House retreats, We’ll help you regain your strength and value so you can thrive again and feel confident in your future relationships. Get in touch with us today and enjoy the perks of our reliable service!

One of the most beautiful, most commendable traits we humans, as a species, possess is our innate desire to assist and support others. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a colleague, an astounding number of us will find it within our hearts to extend a helping hand to a fellow human being in need.

The amazing thing is that, whether we’re helping emotionally, practically, or physically – it doesn’t matter. If we’re doing it from the bottom of our hearts, genuinely investing ourselves into bettering someone else – the mere gesture is enough to make all the difference in the world.

However, despite all the potential this ability of ours possesses, sometimes it gets misfocused, turning from empowering to enabling. When that happens, instead of it being a catalyst for improvement, it becomes an anchor dragging everyone involved to the depths of stagnation, stunted growth, and self-destruction.

For this reason, it’s imperative to understand the fine line that separates these three, seemingly same concepts: empowering, helping, and enabling.

What Is Empowerment?

In recent years, empowerment has gained considerable popularity and traction, both as a term and “philosophy”. However, its definition remains vague, due to the fact that every person interprets it differently, typically based on individual viewpoints and experiences.

The idea of empowerment, on the other hand, encompasses everything that gives the individual tools, knowledge, confidence, affirmation, or a number of other “resources” that they need to become masters of their own lives, in virtually every conceivable way.

As such, we can safely deduce that empowerment goes beyond merely offering or receiving assistance. Rather, it’s the means of fostering self-reliance, self-respect, independence, individuality, and personal growth.

What Is The Difference Between Empowerment And Enabling?

At the first glance, enable vs. empower may not seem like a contest yet, rather, as a mirror match. This is understandable if we consider two facts:

• Both stem from the same intentions;
• Both involve providing assistance to others.

However, there are some critical and not-so-subtle differences between the two.

Enable vs. Empower: A Side-By-Side Comparison

The distinction between enabling and empowering becomes evident only when we reflect on the outcome of each respective approach:

Independence vs. Dependence

• Empowerment fosters independence and self-reliance. It means giving an individual the tools (e.g. skills, knowledge) they need to stand on their own two feet.
• Enabling often leads to dependence, where a person learns to rely on external support, rather than developing their life-handling capabilities.

Short-Term vs. Long-Term Goals

• Empowerment is long-term-focused, as it equips individuals with the skills and mindset necessary for ongoing, sustained success;
• Enabling addresses immediate, short-term needs, without considering or even blatantly ignoring the bigger picture.

Accountability vs. Unaccountability

• Empowerment teaches responsibility by encouraging individuals to own up to their actions and decisions, driving them to grow by learning from past experiences, good or bad;
• Enabling shields individuals from the consequences of their own actions. However, in doing so, it also “protects” them from facing challenges and difficulties that amount to valuable life lessons essential for personal growth.

Autonomy vs. “Malleability”

• Empowerment respects a person’s autonomy, choices, and boundaries, even if they don’t align with the helper’s opinions;
• Enabling often involves imposing the helper’s will on the recipient, further deepening the (co)dependent patterns.

What Is The Difference Between Being Supportive And Enabling?

Same as empowering and enabling, helping and enabling are not synonymous with each other. Much like empowerment, being supportive entails giving someone the means of making their situation better.

This can involve standing by them in their time of need, providing compassionate and mindful assistance, encouraging them to face challenges, and cheering them on as they push through difficulties.

As such, supporting someone means inspiring and motivating them to make a positive change in their lives on their own, thereby augmenting their innate potential for personal growth and development.

Enabling, on the other hand, is the exact polar opposite. As mentioned, enablers tend to shield a person from consequences, challenges, and difficulties that they need to overcome, even though said individuals possess the capacity to do so on their own.

Although well-intentioned, this approach can effectively take away the recipient’s agency, rendering them passive, unaware, or indifferent to the possibility of taking transformative action, inadvertently hindering their personal growth.

What Can You Say To Empower Someone?

Learning how to support without enabling is one of, if not the most powerful tool in your empowerment arsenal. Even so, the question remains: What to say to empower someone, without jeopardizing their agency or potential?

Well, therein lies the beauty of empowerment: sometimes, you don’t have to say a word! Sometimes, all it takes is to actively listen to what the other person has to say, doing your best to understand their needs, aspirations, and concerns without judgment.

Of course, you’ll inevitably come across situations where verbal responses will be requested or required. However, since every person is different and empowerment is subjective, there is no way (or point) in trying to find a “universal empowerment formula”.

What you can do is coin your responses and approach based on everything you’d learned up until now. To empower and not enable, you need to try to:

• Provide relevant information and/or resources that will help the person make informed decisions;
• Prompt self-reflection by asking meaningful, open-ended questions that will encourage the person to explore their feelings, thoughts, and attitudes;
• Offer words of encouragement and affirmation in order to boost their confidence and help them recognize their own strengths and capabilities;
• Respect their autonomy, choices, and opinions, even if they drastically differ from your own;
• Encourage them to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions, and to learn from resulting experiences;

Finally, be there for them to provide emotional support and guidance, but avoid trying to control their decisions or impose your opinions. Instead, offer unbiased assistance in analyzing past experiences and situations, allowing them to derive their own conclusions.

By following these guidelines, you’ll actively challenge a person to become a better version of themselves, effectively catalyzing a change for the better. And the best thing about it is that you’ll grow as an individual, too, along the way.

Reach Out To PIVOT And Learn How To Support Without Enabling

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In the tranquil environment of our Glass House Retreat, you’ll embark on a profound exploration of self-awareness and self-validation that will give you a new perspective on life, empowering you to create harmonious relationships that you’ve dreamed of.Our passionate team of experienced personal coaches stands ready to help you uncover your true potential and give you the tools to empower yourself and your loved ones. Reach out to us today and become the true force of positivity!

Taking on different roles is an integral part of human nature. We do it in every aspect of our lives, whether it be professional or personal. Relationships are no exception to this “rule” either, as individuals forming a deeper connection will naturally put on different faces, typically based on their strengths and mental capabilities.

Some of us are Adventurers, bringing spontaneity, excitement, and a healthy dose of chaos to our relationships. Others may be Planners, taking charge of organizing and structuring various activities and responsibilities.

Some are Problem Solvers, prioritizing staying down-to-earth, finding constructive and mutually beneficial solutions to everyday problems. Nurturers, on the other hand, will excel in taking care of both parties’ emotional well-being by creating a soothing and loving atmosphere.

Regardless of the role(s) we take, the part we play serves the ultimate purpose of bringing balance to the force of our connection, both by compensating for our partners’ shortcomings and promoting their strengths.

However, what happens when the balance is broken and the scales tip heavily to the side? When one person keeps allowing their counterpart to take no responsibility for their actions, thereby perpetuating detrimental and, even, destructive behaviors?

This is the very definition of enabling – a harmful and toxic dynamic that stifles personal growth, fosters dependency, and hinders virtually any possibility of progress, both for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole. Fortunately, this vicious cycle can be broken and, today, we’ll explore just what it takes to do so.

What Is The Psychology Behind Enabling?

Understanding the nature and nuances of an enabler personality is a crucial step to learning how to stop enabling. Doing so requires us to go back to basics in order to grasp the psychological foundation of this behavior.

By definition, enabling stems from a combination of empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help someone we care about. Now, these are by no means negative traits. In fact, they are desirable and necessary for every relationship to thrive.

The problem, however, arises when said traits are brought to the one-sided extreme, which typically happens when they become fuelled by the following underlying factors:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment;
• Low self-esteem;
• Conflict-avoidant patterns;
• Sense of self-worth dependent on external validation;
• Guilt or anxiety (typically related to taking care of one’s own needs);
• Exaggerated caregiving/people-pleasing mindset.

Connecting The Dots

Taking the aforementioned factors into account, we can draw a clear parallel between enabling and another harmful relationship dynamic: codependency. These two behavior patterns are intricately linked and often go hand-in-hand, due to both of them revolving around an excessive reliance on another person’s needs and well-being to the detriment of one’s own. 

Aside from the enmeshment, both dynamics are also characterized by a tendency to:

• Avoid conflict at any and all costs;
• Shield the other person from consequences;
• Justify, minimize, or outright deny the existence of issues.

However, what this does is perpetuate destructive patterns of behavior, thereby preventing both parties from experiencing personal growth and self-sufficiency, even to the point of complete stagnation and, in most extreme cases, regression in the field of personal development.

As such, “reprogramming” enabling personality traits in order to break this vicious cycle often requires addressing codependent traits simultaneously. Doing so typically requires a lot of effort and introspection, yet it is far from impossible.

What Is The Cycle Of Enabling?

We mentioned the “cycle of enabling” several times already. Now that we understand the root and causes behind the issue, we can explain what it actually refers to:

• The Cycle of Enabling is a repetitive pattern of behavior in which an individual (enabler) consistently shields or rescues another person (enabled) from the consequences of their own destructive actions, perpetuating unhealthy dependency within a relationship.

The Cycle of Enabling: Stages

The Cycle typically consists of several key stages:

1. Denial: The first stage is characterized by the enabler downplaying or ignoring the existence of the problem. This can mean rationalizing or making excuses for the actions of their counterpart to avoid acknowledging the problem.
2. Minimization: The enabler downplays the consequences of the loved one’s actions. They might genuinely believe that the situation is not as bad as it appears or that it will improve on its own.
3. Rationalization: At this point, enablers may begin to justify the behavior of their partner. However, in doing so, they’re also effectively convincing themselves that they are helping, that their support is essential, or that they are the only ones who understand what’s happening in their partner’s world.
4. Rescuing: As the situation deteriorates, the enabler usually performs a desperate attempt to solve the problem and/or shield their loved one from the consequences of their own actions, which typically leads to deepening the (co)dependency.
5. Repetition: The cycle starts anew.

We can conclude that each cycle has a tendency to become more severe than the previous one. Due to the fact that the situation already escalated in one of the previous phases (typically Stage 4), the enabler may become more deeply entrenched in their role with each passing iteration.

How Do You Break The Cycle Of Enabling?

With the knowledge of how The Cycle works, as well as a deeper understanding of the factors that influence the formation of the enabler personality, we can extrapolate the ways to stop enabling in relationships:

• Recognize your role as an enabler: Reflecting on your own fears, insecurities, and motivations will help you understand why you enable. This may seem like a small step, but it is a giant leap toward change.
• Set boundaries: Determine your limits and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Clearly communicate these expectations to your partner and, most importantly, stand firm in upholding them, even if you encounter resistance.
• Encourage accountability: Instead of making excuses, justifying the behavior, or swooping in to rescue your loved one, encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.
• Enforce accountability: Let the person you’re enabling face the consequences. Difficult as this may be to do, it can just be the wake-up call and a catalyst for a change.
• Seek professional help: If your situation is particularly complex or volatile, it is best to seek professional help. Coaching, therapy, and counseling can help you break the cycle of enabling and lead your partner down the road of changing their destructive habits.

Understand How To Stop Being An Enabler With PIVOT’s Help

You don’t have to remain trapped in the cycle of enabling, desperately seeking a way out. The solution is readily available and all you have to do to seize it is reach out to PIVOT.

We specialize in coaching individuals, couples, and groups to stop enabling behaviors, rediscover the power of healthy relationships, and foster more meaningful connections. Our experienced team of compassionate professionals will walk with you every step of the way, providing the guidance and support necessary for you to heal.

All workshops and sessions take place in the tranquil setting of our Glass House Retreat, where you can find solace and strength while undertaking a journey of self-discovery and growth away from the distractions of everyday life.

Don’t let an enabler personality dictate your life any longer. Join us today and rediscover the joy of healthy, nurturing, and fulfilling relationships that you know you deserve!

If we were to explore the meaning of “enabler” or “enabling” from a purely semantic perspective, we can see that it means “to make it possible for someone to do something”. Modern psychology narrows this definition down even further as “making it (directly or indirectly) possible for someone to continue engaging in an unhealthy behavior”.

Initially, enabling was closely related to the families of individuals suffering from some form of Substance Use Disorder (SUD), such as drug or alcohol addiction. Within these circles, there’s a noticeable pattern, where family members (or other individuals close to the addicted person) try to justify, excuse, or even blatantly deny and ignore the existence of harmful behavior.

However, in recent years, it has become apparent that being an enabler is not exclusive to cases of SUD. Rather, it is applicable to interpersonal relationships as a whole, whether they be professional, academic, or romantic.

What Is Toxic Enabling?

In modern times, “toxic enabling” refers to behaviors or patterns that directly or indirectly perpetuate and sustain unhealthy actions within a relationship. It typically occurs when one person (“enabler”) actively or passively supports or, even, facilitates the destructive actions of another person (“enabled” or “toxic” individual).

As such, to enable someone means to proverbially add rocket fuel to their campfire, allowing destructive behavior to persist and flourish. At the same time, it stunts the personal growth of both individuals, trapping them in a vicious cycle of dysfunction and codependency, making it difficult to even ask for help, let alone set on the path to recovery.

What Is An Enabler In A Toxic Relationship?

In this context, an enabler is any person who takes on a supportive or protective role toward a toxic individual. This can be a friend, family member, romantic partner, or any other person from an enabled individual’s vicinity.

Being an enabler, an individual will often go to great lengths to justify the toxic person’s behavior, make excuses for their actions, and shield them from the consequences of their own decisions. However, in doing so, they’re inadvertently reinforcing the negative patterns that need changing.

One thing must be noted here. Enablers may not be aware of their enabling behavior. Their actions are seldom thought out and hardly ever malicious. Rather, they stem from strong emotions, such as love, fear, or a genuine desire to help and empower, but may also be a result of a (misplaced) sense of responsibility.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the enabled individual, the situation can turn into the complete polar opposite. A toxic person may (and often, does) turn their partner’s caretaking tendencies into a tool of manipulation, driving the enabler to even further commit to their misbegotten goal.

This can have profound and lasting negative effects on the enabling individual. As such, it is imperative to learn to recognize the signs and patterns that typically accompany the role of enabler in a relationship.

What Are The Signs Of Toxic Enabling?

Identifying enabling patterns is not easy, especially if you’re the one being the enabler. The cues of this behavior are subtle and not immediately apparent. However, if you know exactly what you’re looking for, they become more than obvious. Here’s what you need pay attention to: 

1. Rationalization: As we’ve mentioned, enablers will often try to justify, downplay, or make excuses for their partner’s harmful behavior, sometimes even blaming their actions on external factors;
2. Self-sacrifice: Putting a partner’s needs and desires above one’s own, even to the detriment of personal mental and physical well-being is a tell-tale sign of codependency, which can be considered one of the basis of enabling behaviors;
3. Self-neglect: To be able to enable someone else, a person usually must put their dreams, interests, hobbies, and goals on the back burner;
4. Conflict avoidance: Enablers often go to great lengths to avoid conflict or confrontation with their toxic counterpart. This may involve keeping secrets, excessive apologizing, walking on eggshells, and pretending that everything is peachy when, in reality, it is the exact opposite;
5. Caretaking: To an extent, an enabler may view their partner as “helpless”. This can cause them to take an enormous amount of responsibility for themselves and in virtually every aspect of their life and relationship;
6. Perpetuating dependency: By continually providing moral, emotional, financial, or any other form of support that allows for the continuation of destructive behavior, enablers foster further dependency in the toxic individual;

The Meaning Of Being An Enabler

From the aforementioned factors (or, rather, as their result), we can derive three more characteristics of enabling behavior:

1. Stagnant relationship: Points #1, 4, 5, and 6 show us that this type of relationship is nigh impossible to move from a dead point:
   • A toxic individual gets everything they need from the enabler, virtually without having to lift a finger or take on even a minor amount of responsibility;
   • Conflict resolution, which is one of the bases of a healthy relationship, is non-existent, since the enabler will go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
2. Stunted personal growth: From points #2, 3, 4, and 5, we can conclude that the enabler won’t move from a dead point either, much as their relationship, as all of their time and energy is spent caring for the toxic individual.
3. Perpetual turmoil: Finally, from everything mentioned up until now, it’s easy to see how being an enabler can negatively impact every aspect of a person’s well-being, including their physical, mental, and emotional health.

How Do You Deal With Toxic Enablers?

Breaking the cycle of dysfunction is no easy task, regardless of the type of dysfunction in question. However, you can initiate a positive change by:

• Practicing self-reflection & self-care;
• Seeking support, both from family and friends, as well as professionals;
• Encouraging the other person to seek professional help (especially if they’re struggling with addiction or a mental health issue).

In severe cases, breaking away from the relationship for a period of time is the only option to begin help. Difficult as it may be to grasp, sometimes the toxic person doesn’t want change or to change. If that is the case, the best (and only thing) you can do is prioritize your own well-being.

Turn To PIVOT & Learn How To Deal With Enabling In A Relationship

If you’ve recognized that you’re being an enabler in a relationship, or if you’ve noticed this harmful pattern in someone close to you, know that the solution is within reach. With PIVOT’s help, it is possible to learn to break free from this toxic behavior.

At our state-of-the-art Glass House Retreat, you’ll have access to a variety of workshops led by experienced and knowledgeable professionals who put your well-being first. Whether you decide on group or one-on-one coaching sessions, we’ll be here to provide compassionate guidance throughout your journey to recovery.

Are you ready to break harmful habits and open yourself up to the whole world of healthy relationships? Reach out to us today, apply for one of our tailored programs, and embrace the opportunity to grow in the best way possible!

Enabling behavior usually begins as a well-intentioned response to a loved one’s struggles, whether it’s emotional turmoil, addiction, or other personal challenges. So where does it all go wrong and what is the meaning of enabling someone? Covering up your partner’s mistakes, making excuses, or taking on their responsibilities when they’re having a hard time might seem like a sign of loyalty and supportive partnership. However, there’s a delicate balance between being supportive of your partner and/or loved one and inadvertently enabling negative and harmful actions.

Let’s begin by taking a look at the true meaning of “enabler,” as it’s crucial to unpacking the dynamics of a relationship where one individual is enabling another. Being an enabler means continuously and repeatedly letting your partner off the hook and, therefore, enabling them to keep engaging in negative or harmful behaviors without facing the consequences. This can manifest by covering up their mistakes, providing financial support for destructive habits to avoid conflicts, or taking on excessive responsibilities.

If this pattern of behavior becomes the norm in your relationship, it can adversely affect both the enabler and the enabled. The enabler usually becomes increasingly stressed, frustrated, and even develops feelings of resentment, while the enabled individual might not learn to face the consequences of their behavior and remain stuck in a cycle of dependency. 

Recognizing the signs of enabling behavior, as well as their different types and phases, can help you break free from this harmful dynamic and put both you and your partner on the road to recovery and personal growth.

What Are The Four Types Of Enabling?

All types or styles of enabling stem from compassion and care, yet inadvertently perpetuate harmful behaviors. Some of the most common patterns can help you recognize the behavior in your relationship and encourage you to take action to benefit it.

Some experts agree that there are four primary patterns or styles of enabling behavior:

• Caretaking. This involves taking on a nurturing role in a relationship and doing one’s best to meet the needs of the enabled person. In this case, enablers believe that by providing consistent care they can keep their partner/loved one from harm.
• Protective. Protective enablers act as shields, preventing their loved ones from facing the consequences of their actions. They often step in to spare them from discomfort or adversity, even if it means covering up mistakes or unlawful behavior.
• Rescuing. Rescuing enablers rush to the rescue whenever problems arise. They have a strong desire to prevent others from experiencing hardship or failure, so they intervene regularly.
• Overcompensating . Enablers who overcompensate tend to take on excessive responsibilities and tasks supposed to belong to the person they’re supporting. They feel compelled to make up for the other persons shortcomings, sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

What Are The Stages Of Enabling?

Not all experts agree about the exact stages of enabling. However, some of the most frequently cited ones can illustrate how enabling can evolve over time.

Stage 1: Denial

This is the initial stage of enabling and at this point, the enabler usually downplays or overlooks the harmful actions or behaviors of their loved one. They might tell themselves that it’s not as bad as it seems or that it’s just a temporary phase.

Stage 2: Compliance 

As enabling progresses, compliance becomes more evident. The enabler begins to actively support or accommodate their partner’s negative behaviors. They usually do this driven by desire to avoid conflict in the relationship.

Stage 3: Control

In the control stage, the enabler begins managing the consequences of their partner’s actions. They try to keep managing the situation, often by covering up mistakes or stepping in to resolve problems caused by their partner’s behavior.

Stage 4: Crisis 

This is when the consequences of enabling behavior become most apparent. The enabler is frequently in a state of constant stress and turmoil, trying to deal with a series of crises resulting from the continued negative actions of their loved one. It’s often at this point that they realize the damaging impact of their enabling actions.

The Other View

As opposed to this, some psychologists believe that there are only two stages or phases of enabling: 

• Innocent stage is mainly driven by ignorance. Enablers simply don’t know any better, they could still be confused, in denial, and diminishing negative consequences of their loved one’s behavior.
• Desperate stage of enabling is usually driven by fear. Enablers also might feel shame, not wanting to damage the enabled person’s reputation, so they’re prepared to undertake drastic measures to cover up their loved one’s behavior, concerned about its consequences.

What Is An Example Of Enabling In Relationships?

These examples underscore the different ways in which enabling behavior can impact romantic relationships by shielding one partner from the consequences of their actions or avoiding conflicts essential for growth and understanding. So, what is an enabler in a relationship? 

In romantic relationships, enabling is frequently intertwined with codependency, creating a complex dynamic that can be detrimental to both partners. While codependency refers to a relationship where one person excessively relies on the other for emotional support, validation, and a sense of identity, enabling protects the partner from facing the consequences of their negative actions.

These patterns frequently go hand in hand; like when a partner in a codependent relationship covers up for their significant other’s addiction issues. For example, if one partner in a codependent relationship discovers that their significant other has developed a severe alcohol or drug addiction, they might constantly make excuses for their loved one’s behavior, like calling in sick to work on their behalf or explaining their absence from family events.

While the intentions of the enabling partner might be rooted in love and concern, this only perpetuates the addiction by protecting the addicted partner from the repercussions of their actions and ultimately discouraging them from seeking the necessary help and rehabilitation. Codependency and enabling can reinforce the destructive patterns within relationships, highlighting the importance of recognizing and addressing these dynamics. 

The most common enabling acts include:

Covering Up Lies

In romantic relationships, one partner might consistently cover up lies or other deceitful actions committed by the enabled partner. They might also rationalize these actions to themselves or others, creating excuses to protect their partner from the consequences of dishonesty. This type of behavior can also erode trust within the relationship.

Financial Bailouts

This can involve regularly covering a partner’s debts, loans, or irresponsible spending. While this type of behavior might seem like a gesture of support, typical for many marriages, it ultimately perpetuates irresponsibility, as the enabled partner doesn’t face the full consequences of their actions.

Avoiding Conflict

One partner might go to great lengths to avoid any disagreements, constantly giving in to the other’s wishes. They will avoid important conversations to maintain the façade of harmony. This prevents healthy communication and discourages attempts to resolve the underlying issue in a more constructive way, hindering the personal growth of both partners and the stability of their relationship.

Learn How To How To Deal With Enabling In A Relationship With PIVOT 

If you’re struggling within the vicious cycle of enabling, PIVOT relationship coaches can help you break out of it by leading you toward open and honest conversation about the problem and helping you place focus back on yourself. This is the road to true self-discovery and the only way to achieve a sense of self-worth that will help you form and maintain meaningful relationships based on love.

Remember that you’re not alone in this – many people fight similar battles. Get the support you need through our intimate Glass House workshops, led by experienced coaches who can help you find your true self so the love you have for your partner can take on a healthier form: empowering instead of enabling.