Day: July 21, 2020

Power and control are often present in most relationships, even if we may not be always aware of their influence. The need to control and exert power over other people and the environment is a natural human instinct. Unfortunately, the balance of power in relationships is frequently disrupted, with one partner feeling helpless and powerless next to the other. 

Power imbalances in relationships are incredibly common, especially among couples who suffer from emotional intimacy issues, attachment wounds, and various mental health problems stemming from childhood, adolescence, and/or adult life trauma. 

If you can’t strike a healthy balance of power and control with your partner, you’ve come to the right place. In this article, we will shed light on some frequently utilized abusive tactics and see how they are used to exert power and control. Read on. 

Is Power And Control The Same Thing?

Power and control typically go hand in hand. Because these two concepts are often so closely related, most of us rarely stop to think about the difference between them. But are power and control really the same? 

When you have power, you are able to make something happen, that is, when you have power, you tend to have control. However, it is often those without power that feel the need to control their environment and other people. 

With this in mind, individuals who are in power, or better yet, who feel empowered don’t feel the urge to control as their basic needs are already met. On the other hand, if you feel a strong need to control, it is very likely that there is something missing from your life, and you should look inside rather than outside if you want to find balance in your life. 

What Is Power And Control In Relationships?

A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect between the two partners. Neither one of them should exert too much power over the other, and both of them should have a say when making decisions. Unfortunately, such a healthy balance of power is not always present in relationships. 

The Causes Of Power Imbalances In Relationships

Due to deeply rooted insecurities and childhood wounds, many individuals tend to feel helpless and powerless in their lives, often willingly giving up their power to others. This is quite understandable – if you have felt worthless and incapable of making decisions all your life, it is only natural that you will seek out somebody else to fill the void. 

This often happens in codependent relationships, where one partner wields substantial power over the other and often engages in abusive or narcissistic behaviors. The codependent partner feels entirely reliant on the “abuser” for their sense of worth and identity. Such an imbalance of power can result in a wide array of conflicting emotions for the codependent, including an intense sense of anxiety and fear, grief, anger, shame, and guilt. 

What Is The Power And Control Wheel?

The Power and Control Wheel, otherwise known as the Duluth Model, is a tool used in the field of domestic violence to identify and understand the manipulation and control tactics abusers employ to exert power and control over their victims. The wheel has Power and Control at its center with the following abusive tactics surrounding it: 

• Sexual and physical violence forming the outer ring of the wheel: all the other abusive tactics work alongside these forms of violence in order to exert control over the victim. 
• Threats and coercion: the abusive partner makes and sometimes carries out threats. They may threaten to leave the victim, commit suicide, or speak up to their friends and family about the relationship. 
• Intimidation: the abuser strives to instill fear in the victim through acts of physical violence or other intimidating gestures. 
• Economic abuse: the goal is to make the victim completely dependent on the abuser for financial support. This may involve withholding money from the victim, sabotaging their job opportunities, and so on.
• Emotional abuse: the abusive partner may put the victim down, invalidate their feelings, or resort to gaslighting in order to confuse and exert control. Other emotional abuse tactics include love bombing, the silent treatment, and other mind games. 
• Male privilege: in cases where the abuser is male and the victim female, the abuser can make use of male privilege to control the victim. He may be the only one to make important decisions or treat the victim like his servant. 
• Children: the abusive partner may make the victim feel guilty for not taking good enough care of the children and threaten to take them away, which can be an extremely effective manipulation tactic. 
• Blaming and denying: it is very common for abusers to try and shift responsibility and blame for the abuse on the victim. They may also laugh off the abuse allegations and pretend the abuse never happened. 
• Isolation: with the aim to make the victim completely dependent on them, the abuser will control and limit the actions of the victim, separating them from their friends, family, and other sources of support. 

If you feel like these abuse tactics are present in your own relationship, it is essential that you understand that overcoming your emotional wounds and finding strength inside yourself, instead of relying on others for validation, is entirely possible. Contacting a professional relationship coach may be just what you need to take that first step which can also point you in the right direction if you need a higher level of care. 

Find Your Power In Our Codependent Relationship Retreat

At PIVOT, we understand how hard it can be to break the bubble of codependency and start looking for your own power and strength. That is why we work hard to provide individuals and couples with the tools they need to heal their attachment wounds and create balance in their relationships. 

If you wish to take back control of your life, then contact PIVOT. We offer experience and expertise-based relationship coaching for individuals, as well as a wide array of intensive codependency workshops and retreats you can choose from. Reach out to PIVOT Advocates today and start working on creating a stronger, happier you.

Lavish affection and adoration are probably not the first thing that comes to mind when you think about narcissistic abuse. You are more likely to remember some of the more frequently talked about manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, playing the victim, humiliation, and other power and control mind games.  

But did you know that one of the favorite narcissistic weapons involves the use of overwhelming flattery and attention? This is known as love bombing, an incredibly effective form of manipulation that pulls you in with promises of exhilarating romance and spits you out feeling dazed, confused, and betrayed. 

If you’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse, know that you are not alone. You can find the resources and support you need in one of the many relationship coaching retreats designed for individuals dealing with anxiety in romantic relationships and other emotional struggles. 

Read on to find out more about love bombing and learn to recognize the warning signs. 

What Is Love Bombing In Dating?

As the name suggests, love bombing entails overwhelming someone, or rather “bombing” them with excessive signs of affection and attraction. This may include a combination of leaving love notes, flattering comments, sending flowers, and many other tokens of affection. The narcissist will shower you with romantic gestures, increasing their intensity and frequency until you feel like you’re on top of the world and ready to relinquish all sense of control to them and nobody else. 

Narcissistic Supply: What Causes Love Bombing? 

Individuals who employ love bombing techniques tend to suffer from a lack of confidence and a deep feeling of insecurity. Their low self-esteem pushes them to seek constant validation and reassurance, known as narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, nothing is ever enough to satisfy their need for approval and fill the void inside of them. 

Behind their air of confidence and importance, love bombers feel deep down that they are unlovable, undesirable, and unworthy. In order to feel valuable, they resort to love bombing with the aim to give their ego a much-needed boost and fulfill their needs for power and control. 

What Is The Purpose Of Love Bombing?

Being showered with affection can be highly intoxicating. The overwhelming positive attention hijacks your dopamine systems, keeping you focused on the source of the love bomb, wanting more. The love bomber will keep you tethered, giving you a taste of what’s to come and then pulling back. This will make you vulnerable to their wide arsenal of manipulation tactics, as long as you continue meeting their needs for narcissistic supply.  

What Does Love Bombing Look Like?

Just like many other manipulation techniques, love bombing can be quite sneaky and inconspicuous. It often overlaps with some characteristics of obsessive love, and may easily slip under your radar as nothing more than a genuine expression of intense attraction. While you should keep in mind that not everybody who love bombs is automatically a narcissist, it is definitely useful to know how to spot the different forms that this type of manipulation can take. 

How To Recognize Love Bombing

If you suspect that you may have been a victim of love bombing, look out for the following red flags:  

• They shower you with gifts: flowers, love notes, expensive vacations, the list goes on. The love bomber will take every opportunity to profess their undying love, even at the most inappropriate of times. 
• Compliments galore: we all love compliments, until they go too far. The narcissist will start complimenting you immediately and intensely and they won’t stop until you’re stuck deep in their web. 
• Endless calls and texts: while it is perfectly normal to want to communicate with your love interest 24/7 when you first start dating, a love bomber may take things to another level. They will call or text you every hour of every day, bombarding you with praise. 
• They seek your undivided attention: the narcissist may become angry if you spend time with other people. They will do everything in their power to have your complete focus on them alone, disregarding your boundaries entirely. 
• They rush into commitment: if your love interest starts talking about moving in together, getting married, or having kids together after dating you for a very short time, there’s a serious possibility that they are love bombing you. 
• They call you their soulmate: you and the love bomber are made to be together, it’s written in the stars. They will try to convince you of this in many ways, making you feel special and loved. 
• You feel guilty when you set boundaries: if you try to slow things down and maintain your independence, the love bomber may make you feel guilty and use other manipulation tactics to pull you back. 

How Long Does Love Bombing Last With A Narcissist?

At the start of the relationship, the victim of love bombing is likely to feel like they are under the spell of a highly potent drug. This phase may last for weeks, months, years, or even longer. However, this emotional high never lasts forever, and the effects will inevitably start to wane, destroying the fantastical façade.

You may start noticing the red flags only when the love bombing phase starts nearing its end. At this stage, the narcissist might begin to devalue you, subtly and covertly, using a wide array of manipulation tactics. This may include humiliation, withdrawal of affection and physical intimacy, avoidance, shifting blame, gaslighting, and more. All of this serves to make you completely dependent on the love bomber for the validation and affection you were once bombarded with. 

Looking For Codependency Retreats In California? Contact PIVOT Today 

Escaping from the clutches of emotional manipulation is rarely easy. If you’ve decided to take the first step toward regaining your power and integrity, you should feel proud of yourself as this requires immense strength of character and a deep self-awareness. 

With PIVOT at your side, you can make peace with your deepest wounds and start rebuilding yourself with confidence. We can help you by offering carefully crafted coaching sessions for individuals or providing guidance via our intensive codependency retreats and workshops. Contact PIVOT today!  

Most healthy relationships are based on intimacy, trust, and mutual understanding. Unfortunately, some individuals exploit these aspects of a healthy relationship in order to exert power and control over their partner. 

Emotional manipulation comes in many forms, many of which are subtle and difficult to identify. If you fear that you may be stuck in a manipulative relationship, know that you are not alone and that there is a way out. Visiting a codependent relationship retreat can give you the tools you need to break the bubble and gain relational freedom. 

Keep on reading to learn how to recognize emotional manipulation and recover from its effects. 

What Is Emotional Manipulation In A Relationship?

The vast majority of people seek emotional intimacy in their relationships. This means feeling free to show the most vulnerable parts of ourselves to our partner, without fear. Unfortunately, this is exactly what emotional manipulators seek to exploit. You show them your triggers and weaknesses and they will use them against you, often damaging your self-esteem, undermining your confidence, and even making you doubt your own sanity. 

It is clear why emotional manipulation is so destructive, especially when it is done by your partner, the person you feel closest to. That is exactly why you should know how to detect emotional manipulation tactics, however subtle they may be, if you want to protect your emotional core and avoid falling into the manipulator’s traps. 

What Does Emotional Manipulation Look Like?

Emotional manipulation is typically deliberate, with the intent to make the victim feel confused, powerless, and lost. Still, many individuals manipulate without being aware of it. In fact, it could be said that we all manipulate from time to time, although the end goal of our manipulation may appear perfectly innocent. 

But when does emotional manipulation become narcissistic abuse? How do you determine when manipulative behavior has crossed the line? Here are several forms of emotional manipulation you may encounter in your relationships: 

Signs Of Emotional Manipulation 

Look out for the following behaviors if you wish to try and spot an emotional manipulator: 

• They get intimate way too fast: manipulators tend to portray sensitivity and emotional vulnerability at the very start of the relationship. They want you to feel special, like you’re the only one who could get so close to them. They do all this to lure you in and make you feel dependent on their feelings. 
• They tell you what you want to hear but don’t follow up: rest assured that an emotional manipulator will know exactly what to say to make you feel good or appreciated. But when the time comes to act, they back off and pretend like your wishes are dumb or unreasonable. 
• They make you doubt your own sanity: many emotional manipulation tactics are designed to make you question your reality. For instance, they may lie about an event you both participated in, pretending that it never happened at all. 
• They play the victim: emotional manipulators rarely take accountability. Even if you know perfectly well that they are to blame for a certain action or event, they will most likely claim that it is somebody else’s fault or your own. 
• They love playing the martyr: they may appear very eager to help you, but then become reluctant and act like what you both agreed on is too much of a burden. If you confront them about it, they may make you feel paranoid, confused, and, most of all, indebted. 
• They use your weaknesses against you: an emotional manipulator will go to great lengths to discover your triggers and weak spots and later use them to hurt you. Whether it’s your physical appearance or intelligence, they will use your insecurities to manipulate you. 

What Tactics Do Manipulators Use?

Emotional manipulators are known for using covert manipulation tactics to undermine your self-esteem and sanity. Some of these are: 

Guilt Tripping 

Has your partner ever told you that you simply do not care about them even though you rarely do anything but give? This intimidation tactic is known as guilt tripping and is used to place you in a submissive position and make you feel bad about yourself and your actions. They may tell you you are selfish, ignorant, or cold, no matter how far from the truth that may be. 

Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a tactic which attempts to make you question your own memory by using misinformation, denial, contradiction, and misdirection. The manipulator will plant a seed of doubt, often damaging your self-esteem and evoking cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional manipulation that can be extremely subtle but highly effective. 

Rationalization 

If an emotional manipulator does something questionable or controversial, they may use logic and reason to explain and justify their behaviors, no matter how much they hurt you. This is a defense mechanism which uses seemingly logical and reasonable excuses but actually avoids providing an actual explanation.  

How Do You Recover From Emotional Manipulation?

The effects of emotional manipulation can be extremely damaging and may last for years after the abuse happened. If you are trying to find your feet after a manipulative relationship, here are some tips: 

• Be aware of the common manipulation tactics. Know what the manipulator wants to achieve and keep an eye out for red flags next time around. 
• Stay in tune with your own feelings. Try to determine your own triggers and see which insecurities the manipulator may use against you. Writing down your feelings may help. 
• Don’t put too much trust in words. Instead, focus on their actions, no matter how sweet their words may sound. 
• Remember that this isn’t your fault. You are not weak or worthless for falling into the manipulator’s trap. They wanted to hurt you and they did so because of their own issues. 
• Focus on your own life. Learn a new skill, travel, or spend more time with your friends and family to distract yourself from the manipulator and what they did to you. 
• Seek help from professionals. Speaking with a relationship expert may give you a new perspective and awareness of the situation, which will make it easier for you to overcome the effects of the manipulation. 

Transform Your Life With PIVOT Codependency Intensive Workshops 

At PIVOT, we strive to help individuals and couples overcome their emotional wounds and find the strength to start over and build healthy, lasting relationships. Whether you are struggling with a deep-set fear of abandonment or can’t handle being ignored in your relationships, we are here to help. 

We offer a wide range of intensive workshops for codependents, as well as one-on-one coaching sessions that will help you gain relational freedom. Contact PIVOT today! 

As children, we all need to feel loved and cared for by our parents and caregivers. We carry these emotional needs into adulthood, too, seeking emotional intimacy and closeness in our relationships. Unfortunately, not everybody receives the love and support they need to form secure attachments and it can have a huge impact throughout their lives. 

Even if you feel like you had a decent childhood with both parents present, you may still feel abandoned in one way or another, although you may not be aware of it. For instance, you may struggle to form secure attachments in your adult life, or exhibit obsessive behaviors toward your partners.  

If this sounds like you, consider attending a love addiction retreat. Professional relationship coaches may be able to shed some light on the way your childhood and past relationships have affected you. Read on to learn more about emotional abandonment and how it can influence your relationships. 

What Does Emotional Abandonment Look Like?

In order to be happy and content in your life, your basic emotional needs need to be met. Unfortunately, many people are not even aware of these needs, although they may feel that something is missing from their life. 

Basic Emotional Needs

Here are some of the most important emotional needs that should be fulfilled in your relationships: 

• Feeling understood and listened to 
• To feel cared for and nurtured 
• To be appreciated 
• To feel accepted 
• To be loved 
• To feel connected to others 

If these needs are not met in your formative years, you may struggle with symptoms of emotional abandonment later on in life. The abandonment issues may be exacerbated if you were a victim of narcissistic abuse, severe emotional neglect, or various forms of emotional manipulation. 

What Are The Symptoms Of Abandonment Issues?

Individuals with abandonment issues may exhibit a wide range of behaviors in their relationships. Some of the most common symptoms associated with emotional abandonment include: 

• Engaging in a series of shallow relationships. Your abandonment issues can lead you to cycle through numerous surface-level relationships and find excuses to leave before you can be abandoned by the other person. 
• Sabotaging your healthy relationships. You may have a tendency to end healthy relationships when you suspect that your partner might leave you. This may involve various sabotaging behaviors, such as cheating or starting unnecessary arguments. 
• A devastating fear of being alone. If you tend to stay in unhealthy relationships despite wanting to leave, you may fear being alone more than you fear being hurt by the other person. 
• Seeking constant reassurance: you may have abandonment issues if you often pressure your partner or friends to make promises not to ever leave you or want to hear how much they love and appreciate you every day and get mad if they don’t. 
• Obsessive behaviors and jealousy: if you feel like your partner might leave you, you might engage in stalking and express extreme jealousy at the mere thought of them leaving you for somebody else. 

How Do Abandonment Issues Affect Relationships?

As we’ve already illustrated, abandonment issues can manifest themselves in a multitude of ways, most of which can impair your ability to create stable relationships. Your self-medicating behaviors may include various compulsions and addictions, whether it’s excessive shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex, or overeating. 

Because of your abandonment issues, you may avoid getting close to anybody. Your fear of abandonment may be so debilitating that you build an impenetrable wall around your emotional core, keeping everybody out. 

Or you may take a completely different route, attaching yourself to emotionally unavailable persons so strongly that you become clingy, needy, and obsessive. You may do this because such relationships mimic the unhealthy patterns you experienced in childhood. 

Regardless of the exact effects you experience, your abandonment issues are likely to significantly impair your ability to create healthy attachments and build long-lasting relationships. 

How Do You Deal With Abandonment Issues In A Relationship?

If your abandonment issues have damaged your relationships and made you feel even more vulnerable, it is time to take the reins and face your childhood and adolescent wounds head on. Many  people feel unlovable and unworthy sometimes – don’t let it dictate how you live your life. Here’s how you can overcome your abandonment issues through self-compassion and care:  

Be Kind To Yourself 

Many people have that critical inner voice telling us what a terrible person we are. The sooner you learn to rein in this voice and stop it from dictating your behaviors, the better. It’s good to learn how to see the positive traits in yourself instead of focusing on your flaws. You deserve compassion, and you can start by finding it within yourself. 

Practice Mindfulness 

In order to overcome your fear of abandonment, you can learn how to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and stop them from carrying you away. Learning to be gentle with yourself and cutting your mean thoughts in the bud will help you build a stronger emotional core and stop you from losing your sense of self. 

Your Flaws Are Human 

Remember that you are not the only one experiencing these painful thoughts and feelings. Most people struggle with their own issues, and if we could all band together to cultivate self-compassion and emotional strength, it would be much easier to live a life based on acceptance and love. Just keep in mind that you aren’t alone in this – you are worthy of love and compassion, just like everyone else. 

Overcome Your Fears In Our Love Addiction Intensive Workshops 

Do you feel like it’s time to do away with self-sabotaging behaviors and start practicing self-love? We believe so, too. Here at PIVOT, we offer a variety of intensive love addiction retreats and coaching sessions that may help you overcome your abandonment fears and learn to love yourself for who you are, flaws and all. 

You don’t have to heal your emotional wounds on your own. Get in touch with one of our experienced PIVOT advocates today and start working on creating a brighter future for yourself. Give us a call now!