Lori Jean Glass, Author at Lori Jean Glass

We’re Over-Diagnosing and Under-Integrating

Posted on February 20, 2026February 20, 2026 by Lori Jean Glass

The Conversation We’re Not Having About ADHD

We are living in an era of labels.

ADHD.
Anxiety.
Executive dysfunction.
Dopamine deficiency.

And for many people, the label brings relief.

“Finally. There’s a reason I can’t focus.”
“Finally. I’m not just lazy.”

And sometimes, that diagnosis is accurate.

However, here’s what I see every single week in my work with high-capacity adults:

The label explains the behavior.
It does not resolve the pattern.

And the pattern is what’s running your life.

High-Functioning and Still Struggling

I work with entrepreneurs. Executives. Creatives. Parents. Leaders.

People who solve complex problems every day.

And yet …
They procrastinate until pressure explodes.
They hyperfocus on work but feel lost in relationships.
They overperform in one area and underperform in another.
They feel ashamed of their inconsistency.

Many of them have been told, “You have ADHD.”

Sometimes that’s accurate.

And what I see over and over again is this:

It’s not just about attention.

It’s about attachment.
It’s about regulation.
It’s about alignment.

ADHD or Survival Pattern?

Let’s be clear: ADHD is real. Brains are wired differently. Neurodiversity exists.

But here’s what rarely gets explored:

How many behaviors we call “ADHD symptoms” are actually unresolved survival patterns?

Avoiding tasks that trigger shame
Distracting yourself from emotional discomfort
Hyperfocusing where you feel competent
Struggling with follow-through when anxiety rises
Feeling paralyzed when expectations feel overwhelming

Those aren’t just neurological glitches.

They’re often adaptive strategies that once protected you.

A child who grew up criticized learns to avoid what might expose them to failure.
A teenager who felt unseen learns to perform where they can win.
A young adult who felt emotionally unsafe learns to disconnect rather than feel.

Fast forward 20 years, and now we call it executive dysfunction.

Before we label it executive dysfunction, we should ask: Is this a cognitive deficit or an emotional overload?

What if part of it is an unexamined attachment storm running quietly in the background?

The Real Cost

Most of the people I coach are not lazy.

They are dysregulated.
They are overloaded.
They are privately ashamed.

They live in a world that rewards output but rarely teaches emotional regulation.

So they try to manage it on their own.

They overwork.

They stay late.
They take on more.
They chase the next achievement because competence feels safer than vulnerability.
Work becomes the place they feel most in control.

They numb. With whatever works. Like…

With food.
With alcohol.
With porn.
With scrolling.
With shopping.
With gaming.
With anything that quiets the restless feeling in their chest.

They don’t call it numbing.
They call it “unwinding.”

They avoid. Some of which looks like…

They leave messages unanswered.
They delay hard conversations.
They miss deadlines and promise they’ll do better tomorrow.
They ghost instead of explaining.
They procrastinate until urgency replaces vulnerability.

They spiral.

Frustration becomes irritability.
Irritability becomes anger.
Anger turns outward to sharpness, defensiveness, and blame.
Or inward to self-criticism, shame, withdrawal.

Then they’re told to download another productivity app.
Or change medications.
Or “try harder.”
Or “just get organized.”

That is not the solution.

The Shame Loop

People with ADHD, diagnosed or not, often live in quiet shame. They are high-capacity and inconsistent at the same time.

They feel behind.
They feel scattered.
They feel frustrated with themselves.

And shame fuels avoidance. Avoidance fuels more shame.

Now you’re in a loop. And calling it a dopamine issue doesn’t break it.

The Missing Piece: Relational Alignment

In the PIVOT Process, we don’t start with diagnosis. We start with alignment.

Yes, some brains are wired for novelty and stimulation. But when someone says:

“I can handle high-pressure decisions all day, but I freeze when something feels emotionally loaded.”

“I hyperfocus for hours but avoid one uncomfortable conversation.”

“I know what I should do. I just don’t do it.”

That’s not just attention. That’s internal misalignment.

Most adults struggling with ADHD-like symptoms aren’t incapable.

They’re out of sync.

Three parts of them are disconnected:

What they think
What they feel
What they do

You think you should send the email.
You feel anxious about what it means.
So you avoid it.

You think you should commit.
You feel overwhelmed by expectations.
So you pull away.

You think you want structure.
You feel trapped by structure.
So you resist it or force it rigidly.

That gap between thinking, feeling, and doing?

That’s relational alignment.

When those three line up, behavior changes.
When they don’t, you spiral.

No productivity hack can fix that.

Ask yourself:

Are you operating from your Healthy Adult or from a survival pattern?

When thinking, feeling, and doing align:

Clarity reduces paralysis.
Boundaries reduce overwhelm.
Self-trust reduces distraction.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself.

You need a framework.

The Missing Skill: Emotional Regulation

Before planners and apps, we need regulation.

Can you:

Notice what you’re feeling?
Tolerate discomfort without escaping it?
Stay present when something feels overwhelming?
Set boundaries so you’re not constantly overstimulated?

If not, no system will stick.

Because this isn’t just about focus.

It’s about emotional capacity.

Why This Matters in Relationships

In dating and long-term relationships:

Inconsistency looks like disinterest.
Avoidance looks like emotional unavailability.
Hyperfocus looks like intensity, then disappearance.

Partners experience confusion.
Confusion often turns into criticism.
Criticism turns into shame or anger.

Neither person understands what’s actually happening.

When someone learns:

How their survival patterns formed
How attachment influences focus and avoidance
How to regulate instead of escape
How to set clear relational boundaries

Everything changes.

Not because they became someone else.

But because they became aligned.

Industry Shift: Stop Managing Symptoms. Start Integrating the Person.

We label.
We medicate.
We optimize productivity.

But we rarely teach:

How attachment history affects focus
How shame impacts follow-through
How boundaries reduce overwhelm
How alignment creates consistency

You are not broken. However, you may be misaligned. And alignment is trainable.

As Dr. Gábor Maté has said, a diagnosis “describes behavior; it doesn’t explain it.” He has long argued that ADHD is often understood too narrowly as a genetic brain disorder, when in many cases it is shaped by early stress, environment, and developmental experiences. Medication can reduce symptoms. It can be helpful. But symptom relief is not the same as integration.

What I know to be true is that reducing impulsivity doesn’t automatically resolve shame. Improving focus doesn’t automatically repair attachment wounds. And calming the nervous system chemically doesn’t teach someone how to regulate it relationally.

What Actually Helps

If you struggle with focus, follow-through, or inconsistency, start here:

1. Separate Shame from Responsibility

Shame says: “Something is wrong with me.”
Responsibility says: “This is mine to understand and change.”

You don’t improve behavior by attacking yourself.

Notice when your internal dialogue sounds like:

“I’m lazy.”
“I always screw things up.”
“Why can’t I just get it together?”

That voice fuels avoidance.

Instead, shift to:

“Something is getting activated here.”
“What am I reacting to?”
“What feels threatening about this moment?”

You can take responsibility without humiliating yourself. That’s strength.

2. Track Avoidance in Real Time

Avoidance isn’t random. It’s protective.

The next time you delay something, pause and ask:

What am I feeling right now?
Is this anxiety? Pressure? Fear of being judged?
What story am I telling myself?

Most people skip this step and go straight to self-criticism.

But behavior makes sense when you understand the emotion underneath it.

If you avoid sending the email, what does it represent?
Rejection? Conflict? Exposure? Expectation?

You can’t change a pattern you don’t observe.

3. Identify Your Survival Pattern

Everyone has a default strategy.

When overwhelmed, do you:

Overwork and perform?
Escape into distraction?
Withdraw emotionally?
Get sharp and reactive?
Freeze and procrastinate?

These patterns aren’t random personality traits. They are learned responses. At some point in your life, they protected you.

Now ask:
Is this pattern still protecting me or limiting me?

Awareness is the beginning of choice.

4. Build Emotional Regulation Before Chasing Productivity

If your nervous system is overloaded, no planner will save you.

Regulation means:

Slowing your breathing when stress spikes.
Naming what you feel instead of acting it out.
Taking a pause before responding.
Creating space between impulse and behavior.

Start small.

When you feel urgency rising, don’t rush.
When you feel criticized, don’t defend.
When you feel pressure, don’t overcommit.

Regulation creates capacity.
Capacity creates consistency.

5. Align Thinking, Feeling, and Behavior

Ask yourself:

What do I think I should do?
What am I actually feeling?
What action would reflect my Healthy Adult, not my familiar impulsive behavior?

For example:

You think: “I need to have this conversation.”
You feel: Anxious.
Your survival pattern says: Avoid it.

Alignment says:
“I can feel anxious and still act in integrity and have the conversation I know I need to have.”

That’s integration.

When your head, heart, and behavior line up, follow-through becomes natural.

Not forced.

The Shift

You don’t need another productivity system. You need:

Emotional clarity.
Pattern awareness.
Nervous system regulation.
Relational alignment.

When those are in place, focus improves.
Consistency improves.
Self-trust improves.

Not because you bullied yourself into change.

But because you integrated yourself.

Final Thought

You are not broken.

You may have ADHD.
You may not.

But underneath whatever label you carry, there is a story.

When you understand your story, when you integrate thinking, feeling, and doing, and when you strengthen emotional regulation…

You stop feeling chaotic.

You stop just surviving.

You start living.

You stop avoiding.

You start leading your life.

That’s the work.

And it’s possible.

ADHD Isn’t the Whole Story

Posted on February 19, 2026February 19, 2026 by Lori Jean Glass

Why So Many Men Are Misunderstood and What Actually Helps

We are living in an era of labels.

ADHD. Anxiety. Executive dysfunction. Dopamine deficiency.

And for many men, the label brings relief.

“Finally. There’s a reason I can’t focus.”
“Finally. I’m not just lazy.”

And sometimes, that diagnosis is accurate.

However, here’s what I see every single week in my work with men:

The label explains the behavior. It does not resolve the pattern. And the pattern is what’s running your life.

I work with high-performing men.
Entrepreneurs. Executives. Creatives. Fathers.
Men who have built businesses, led teams, and solved complex problems.

And yet…
They avoid difficult conversations.
They procrastinate until pressure explodes.
They hyperfocus on work but feel lost in relationships.
They feel ashamed of their inconsistency.

Many of them have been told, “You have ADHD.”

Sometimes that’s accurate. And, what I see over and over again is this:

It’s not just about attention.

It’s about attachment.
It’s about regulation.
It’s about relational alignment.

ADHD or Survival Pattern?

Let’s be clear: ADHD is real.
Brains are wired differently. Neurodiversity exists.

But here’s what rarely gets explored:

How many behaviors we call “ADHD symptoms” are actually unresolved survival patterns?

Avoiding tasks that trigger shame
Distracting yourself from emotional discomfort
Hyperfocusing where you feel competent
Struggling with follow-through when anxiety rises
Feeling paralyzed when expectations feel overwhelming

Those aren’t just neurological glitches. They’re often adaptive strategies that once protected you.

A boy who grew up feeling criticized learns to avoid what he might fail at.
A teenager who felt unseen learns to perform where he can win.
A young man who felt emotionally unsafe learns to disconnect rather than feel.

Fast forward 20 years, and now we call it executive dysfunction.

Before we label it executive dysfunction, we should ask: Is this a cognitive deficit or an emotional overload?

What if part of it is an unexamined attachment storm running quietly in the background?

The Real Cost for Men

Most men I coach are not lazy.

They are dysregulated.

They are overloaded.

They are privately ashamed.

They live in a world that rewards output but never teaches them how to regulate their inner world.

So they try to manage it on their own.

They overwork.

They stay at the office longer than necessary.
They volunteer for more responsibility.
They chase the next win because achievement feels safer than intimacy.
Work becomes the one place they feel competent and in control.

They numb.

With food.
With alcohol.
With porn.
With endless scrolling.
With gaming.
With anything that quiets the restless feeling in their chest.

They don’t call it numbing.
They call it “unwinding.”

They avoid.

They leave texts unanswered.
They delay hard conversations.
They miss deadlines and tell themselves they’ll do better tomorrow.
They ghost instead of explaining.
They procrastinate until urgency replaces vulnerability.

They spiral.

Frustration turns into irritability.
Irritability turns into anger.
Anger turns into lashing out — or shutting down.

They become sharp with the people closest to them.
Or they disappear emotionally.
Or they turn the anger inward and decide they’re the problem.

Then they’re told to download another productivity app. Told to change medications (which, by the way, are often useless if they are using substances to cope). Criticized by their partners both at work and at home.

That is not the solution.

The Shame Loop

Men with ADHD, diagnosed or not, often live in quiet shame.

They are high-capacity and inconsistent at the same time.

They overperform in one area and underperform in another.

They feel behind.
They feel scattered.
They feel frustrated with themselves.

And shame fuels avoidance.

Avoidance fuels more shame.

Now you’re in a loop, and calling it a dopamine issue doesn’t break it.

The Missing Piece: Relational Alignment

In the PIVOT Process, we don’t start with diagnosis.
We start with alignment.

Yes, some brains are wired for novelty and stimulation.

But when a man tells me:

“I can handle high-pressure decisions all day, but I freeze when something feels emotionally loaded.”
“I hyperfocus for 12 hours but avoid one uncomfortable conversation.”
“I know what I should do. I just don’t do it.”

That’s not just attention.

That’s internal misalignment.

And here’s what I mean by that.

Most men struggling with ADHD-like symptoms aren’t struggling because they’re incapable.

They’re struggling because three parts of them are out of sync:

What they think
What they feel
What they do

You think you should send the email.
You feel anxious about what it means.
So you avoid it.

You think you should commit to the relationship.
You feel overwhelmed by expectations.
So you pull away.

You think you want structure.
You feel trapped by structure.
So you resist it. Or force it.

That gap between thinking, feeling, and doing?

That’s what I call relational alignment.

When those three line up, behavior changes. When they don’t, you spiral. And no productivity hack can fix that.

Ask yourself this…Are you operating from your Healthy Adult or from a survival pattern?

When thinking, feeling, and doing line up, follow-through improves naturally.

Clarity reduces paralysis.
Boundaries reduce overwhelm.
Self-trust reduces distraction.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself.
You need a framework.

The Missing Skill: Emotional Regulation

Before looking at planners and apps, we need to talk about regulation.

Can you:

Notice what you’re feeling?
Tolerate discomfort without escaping it?
Stay present when something feels overwhelming?
Set boundaries so you’re not constantly overstimulated?

If not, no system will stick.

Because this isn’t just about focus.

It’s about emotional capacity.

Why This Matters for Dating and Relationships

Here’s where this becomes especially painful for men.

In dating and relationships, inconsistency looks like disinterest.
Avoidance looks like emotional unavailability.
Hyperfocus looks like intensity, then disappearance.

Partners experience confusion, which leads to criticism. “You’re emotionally unavailable. You’re a narcissist”, then the criticism dissolves into shame or ignites into anger.

Neither understands what’s actually happening.

When a man learns:

How his survival patterns formed
How his attachment style influences focus and avoidance
How to regulate rather than escape
How to set clear relational boundaries

Everything changes.

Not because he became someone else.
But because he became aligned.

Industry Shift: Stop Managing Symptoms. Start Integrating the Man.

We are over-diagnosing and under-integrating.

We medicate.
We label.
We optimize productivity.

We need to teach:

How their attachment history affects focus
How shame impacts follow-through
How boundaries reduce overwhelm
How alignment creates consistency

You are not broken. However, you may be misaligned.

What Actually Helps

If you’re a man struggling with focus, follow-through, or inconsistency, start here:

Separate shame from responsibility.
Track when avoidance shows up and what you’re feeling in that moment.
Identify your survival patterns (performance, escape, overwork, withdrawal).
Build emotional regulation before chasing productivity.
Learn how to align your thinking, feeling, and behavior, not just manage tasks.

When your head, heart, and actions match, clarity replaces chaos.

And when you are internally aligned, you become consistent externally.

That’s not a hack. That’s integration.

Final Thought

You are not broken.

You may have ADHD. And, you may not.

But underneath whatever label you carry, there is a story.

And when you understand your story, learn to integrate the thinking, feeling, and doing parts of yourself, implement emotional regulation, you stop feeling so chaotic.

You stop surviving. You start living.

You stop avoiding, you start leading your life.

That’s the work.

And it’s possible.

Narcissistic. Avoidant. Or Armored?

Posted on February 17, 2026February 19, 2026 by Lori Jean Glass

We’re living in a time where the conversation about men feels charged.

With Trump in office, whether you support him or not, and with the release of the Epstein files bringing renewed attention to powerful men behaving badly, there is a cultural undercurrent that is hard to ignore.

A lot of men are taking a fall publicly.
Some absolutely deserve it.
And many innocent men are quietly sitting in discomfort.

Because when headlines are dominated by abuse, corruption, and power misused, the message can subtly become: men are the problem.

That narrative is too simple. And it’s not true.

Not all men are dangerous.
Not all men are narcissistic.
Not all men are emotionally unavailable.

But in this climate, many men feel scrutinized. Some feel defensive. Others feel ashamed for things they didn’t do. And in relationships, that tension often shows up in subtle ways, such as withdrawal, overcompensation, silence, or posturing.

Which is why this matters.

Because when cultural pressure rises, labels rise with it.

He doesn’t text back fast enough? Avoidant.
He struggles with vulnerability? Narcissistic.
He shuts down in conflict? Emotionally unavailable.

But here’s what I’ve learned after nearly two decades of working with men and women in relationships:

Many men who are labeled narcissistic aren’t arrogant. They’re armored.
Many men who are labeled avoidant aren’t cold. They’re cautious.

And labels don’t create change. Clarity does.

1. The Weight Men Are Carrying

In the Survival Patterns work within the PIVOT curriculum, the question isn’t:

“What’s wrong with you?”

It’s:

“What did you learn to do to survive?”

A man who has been called narcissistic is often operating from:

Unresolved shame
Performance-based worth
Fear of inadequacy
A survival strategy of control, grandiosity, or self-protection

A man called avoidant is often operating from:

Fear of engulfment
Fear of being exposed as not enough
Early experiences where emotional needs were ignored, criticized, or unsafe

Instead of defending against a label, he begins to see:

“Oh. This isn’t my identity. This is a pattern.”

That distinction restores a step toward dignity.

2. Structure Before Emotion

The Whole Perspective (Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Financial, Intellectual) allows him to assess himself with clarity rather than emotion-driven chaos.

This is critical for men who:

Default to logic
Distrust emotional language
Shut down when conversations feel abstract or accusatory

He can see:

Where he’s strong
Where he’s compensating
Where his relational blind spots live

Structure reduces defensiveness.

3. Clarity Creates Boundaries — Not Blame

The Relational Circle Boundaries give him a system for defining commitment levels and expectations.

Men labeled “avoidant” often withdraw because:

They feel engulfed and confused.
Expectations are unclear.
Emotional demands feel overwhelming.

When boundaries are clear:

He doesn’t have to escape.
He can participate without drowning.
He can differentiate between healthy space and emotional shutdown.

Avoidance decreases when clarity increases.

4. From Ego or Escape to Healthy Adulting

The pivot point is the development of the Healthy Adult.

This is not:

Ego-driven dominance (often labeled narcissism)
Emotional shutdown (often labeled avoidance)

It is:

Regulated thinking through a wider lens (Think)
Integrated feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them (Feel)
Intentional action vs. habitual actions that cause self-harm in the long run (Do)

For men, this is powerful because:

It doesn’t shame their strength.
It channels their strength.
It builds secure attachment without making them feel weak.

5. Moving Beyond Labels to a Roadmap

As I write in my book, I believe we live in an “over-diagnosed and under-treated population.”

Many men experience the same thing in relationship language today.

They’ve been:

Diagnosed by a partner.
Labeled on TikTok.
Defined by pop-psych culture.

PIVOT offers something different:

Not a diagnosis.
Not a defense.
A roadmap.

And men respond to roadmaps.

6. Secure Attachment, Taught Practically

The curriculum explicitly teaches secure attachment and relational alignment in a grounded, actionable way.

For a man told he’s narcissistic or avoidant, this reframes the journey:

Not: “You need to fix your personality.”

But: “You need to learn secure alignment.”

That is doable.
That is empowering.
That is measurable.

7. From Power Struggles to Self-Leadership

Men labeled narcissistic often struggle with vulnerability, confuse control with safety, and fear of loss of status in the relationship.

Men labeled avoidant often fear engulfment, shut down under emotional pressure, and eventually exit relationships rather than repair.

In simple terms, for a man told he’s narcissistic or avoidant, the PIVOT Process:

Removes the shame by removing the label
Names the survival patterns and developmental parts unique to each individual
Provides a structured, easy-to-understand process to address the not-so-easy current challenges that need to be resolved.
Builds emotional regulation
Teaches secure attachment
Develops a Healthy Adult identity
Gives him agency instead of blame

It shifts him from: “I’m the problem.” or “You’re the problem.”

To: “I have wounds. I can change my patterns.”

A More Courageous Conversation About Men

If we’re honest, this cultural moment is asking something bigger of us.

Yes, there have been powerful men who abused power.
Yes, there are patterns in our society that must be addressed.
Yes, accountability matters.

But here’s the question we’re not asking:

What happens when good men start believing they are guilty simply for being men?

What happens when shame becomes the default tone of the conversation?

Shame does not create healthier men.
Shame creates silence.
Shame creates defensiveness.
Shame creates more armor.

And more armor does not lead to safer relationships. It leads to distance.

If we want better outcomes in families, in leadership, in culture, we cannot reduce men to headlines. We cannot collapse nuance into narrative.

We need to be able to hold two truths at once:

Some men have misused power.
And many men are trying to figure out how to use their power well.

Those are not the same group.

The men I work with are not asking to escape accountability. They’re asking for clarity. They’re asking for a roadmap. They’re asking how to lead themselves better in relationships, not how to defend themselves on the couch or in court.

There is a difference.

When we replace labels with understanding…
When we replace accusation with structure…
When we replace shame with responsibility…

Men don’t shrink. They mature. They regulate. They repair. They lead differently.

If we want a generation of men who are less reactive, less avoidant, less performative, then we need to stop flattening them into stereotypes and start teaching them alignment.

True strength is not the opposite of emotional intelligence. A man who must explode or withdraw to manage his feelings is not strong; this is control masking an underlying fragility.

Accountability and dignity are not mutually exclusive. Holding a man accountable for his actions should never mean stripping him of his dignity or humanity. Justice and humiliation are not the same; confusing them prevents growth and only teaches him to hide his behavior. It is possible and necessary to demand accountability while upholding his dignity.

Powerful and relationally safe are not competing traits. Real power is not domination; it is disciplined self-leadership in the presence of emotion.

If we keep defining masculinity by extremes, either villain or victim, we will keep producing men who swing between those extremes.

If we want emotionally mature men, we must stop flattening them into labels and start teaching them how to feel, tolerate, and manage their emotions.

If you want safer relationships, build stronger men, not smaller ones.
If you want accountability, teach self-leadership, not shame.
And if you want armor to come off, create an environment where strength and emotional depth are no longer at war.

Because the future of healthy relationships will not be built by shaming men into silence
It will be built by teaching them to stand tall without standing over others.

But none of that grows in an environment of blanket shame. It grows in clarity.

So if you’ve been labeled narcissistic, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable, here’s the truth:

You are not your headline.
You are not your defense mechanism.
You are not your worst coping strategy.

You may be armored. And armor can come off.

Not through humiliation.
Not through blame.
But through insight, structure, and the willingness to pivot.

That’s the conversation we need now.

Why So Many Good Men Struggle on Dating Apps and What to Do About It

Posted on February 17, 2026February 18, 2026 by Lori Jean Glass

There are good men everywhere. Men with careers. Men who go to therapy. Men who read books. Men who want partnership, not games.

And yet…
They’re frustrated. Discouraged. Confused.
Swiping endlessly. Matching rarely.
Or matching often, only to watch it go nowhere.

This isn’t because men are “broken.”
And it’s not because dating apps are evil.

It’s because most men are dating without being clear-headed and regulated.

And without alignment, even a good man can look unclear, reactive, or misaligned online.

At PIVOT, we don’t pathologize. We personalize.
And when it comes to dating apps, personalization matters.

The Real Problem: Fantasy vs. Reality

In #HealthyAdult, I discuss moving from fantasy to reality, confusion to clarity, and isolation to connection.

Dating apps amplify fantasy.

Fantasy about who you “should” attract
Fantasy about what a partner “should” look like
Fantasy about how quickly it “should” happen
Fantasy about what it means if someone doesn’t respond

And fantasy is dangerous when your old survival patterns are running the show.

When a man swipes based on ego, image, or scarcity, he’s not dating with direction. He’s dating from a wound.

When a woman presents an unrealistic checklist, and a man contorts himself to qualify — that’s not confidence. That’s old attachment anxiety dressed up as effort.

Dating apps don’t create insecurity.
They expose it.

Why Good Men Get Discouraged

Here’s what I see again and again:

1. They Don’t Know Their Own Standard

If you don’t know what you are looking for beyond “attractive, nice, successful,” you will chase what feels validating, not what is aligned.

And validation fades quickly.

2. They Over-Index on Being Chosen

When a man measures his worth by matches, he’s handing strangers control of his self-concept.

That’s a survival pattern.

In the PIVOT curriculum, we teach clients to understand the Whole Perspective, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and intellectual, so they see themselves clearly and date from reality, not insecurity.

3. They Confuse Chemistry with Compatibility

Intensity is not alignment.
Attention is not intimacy.
Sexual energy is not relational safety.

Without clarity, men chase sparks and ignore substance.

How PIVOT Helps Men Date with Direction

At PIVOT, our goal is simple:

Help people THINK better, FEEL better, and LIVE better.

Here’s how that applies directly to dating apps.

1. Whole Perspective: Know Who You Are Before You Swipe

Before you evaluate anyone else, you need to evaluate yourself — across your Whole Perspective.

Physical: Are you taking care of your body? Sleeping, training, eating well — or running on stress and adrenaline while expecting someone else to stabilize you?
Emotional: Can you manage disappointment, rejection, and uncertainty without spiraling — or are you dating to soothe loneliness or regulate anxiety?
Spiritual: Are you living from your values and sense of purpose — or are you swiping in ways that contradict the kind of life you actually want to build?
Financial: Are you financially steady and responsible — or are you using status, spending, or image to signal worth instead of building substance?
Intellectual: Are you growing, curious, and thoughtful — clear about what kind of partner fits your life — or just reacting to who validates you?

When a man understands his Whole Perspective, he stops chasing fantasy profiles and starts evaluating alignment.

He moves from “Do they like me?” to “Is this healthy for me?”

That shift alone changes everything.

2. Relational Circle Boundaries: Stop Over-Investing Early

One of the biggest mistakes men make on apps?

They give girlfriend-level energy to someone they’ve never met.

Texting constantly. Oversharing. Future pacing.

Relational Circle Boundaries teach you how to define the appropriate level and timing of access.

Boundaries are not walls. They are clarity.

When you date with boundaries:

You don’t chase mixed signals.
You don’t negotiate your values.
You don’t escalate prematurely.
You don’t ghost

You stay grounded. You have conversations. You lead with respect for yourself and others.

3. Survival Patterns: Don’t Let Your Past Pick Your Partner

We are all drawn to what is familiar, regardless of merit.

That means:

If you grew up chasing approval, you’ll chase avoidant women.
If you learned love equals intensity, you’ll chase drama.
If rejection triggers abandonment, you’ll over-pursue.

Until you identify your survival patterns, they will run your dating life.

Dating apps accelerate this cycle because the volume is high and the rejection is frequent.

But when you can say: “Oh. That urge to triple-text? That’s my anxiety talking.”

You’ve already pivoted.

What About Unrealistic Expectations?

Let’s address the elephant in the room.

Yes, some profiles project unrealistic standards for what they want on a partner:

Six figures.
Six pack.
Six feet.
No baggage.
No complexity.

You can rage against it.

Or you can remember this:

A checklist tells you about their readiness, not their worth.

If someone needs a fantasy man, let her have him.

Your job is not to qualify for fantasy. Your job is to embody reality.

And reality, when aligned, is magnetic.

Dating From the Healthy Adult

In #HealthyAdult, I describe becoming someone who can feel, manage, and tolerate their feelings without making others responsible for them.

Imagine dating apps from that place.

You don’t spiral when someone unmatches.
You don’t inflate when someone compliments you.
You don’t collapse when someone ghosts.

You evaluate. You adjust. You move forward.

No drama.
No self-abandonment.
No desperation.

Just direction.

The Shift That Changes Everything

Most men ask:

“How do I get more matches?”

The better question is:

“How do I become more aligned?”

Because aligned men:

Choose better.
Communicate clearly.
Walk away sooner.
Invest intentionally.

And that is attractive on and off the app.

If You’re a Man Feeling Frustrated Right Now

Here’s what I want you to hear:

You are not behind.
You are not inadequate.
You are not invisible.

But you may be dating from confusion instead of clarity.

And clarity is trainable.

You don’t need to fix yourself. You need a better framework.

The PIVOT Process exists to help you move from fantasy to reality, from confusion to clarity, and from isolation to connection.

Dating apps are not the enemy. Unexamined patterns are.

The next time you open an app, pause before you swipe.

Ask yourself:

Am I dating to prove something or to build something?

That answer will tell you everything.

If you’re ready to Date with Direction, this is your moment to pivot.

Separation in Relationship: What to Know and How to Cope

Posted on May 6, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

Separation in relationship is a gut-wrenching crossroads, where the weight of what’s lost crashes into the uncertainty of what’s next. It’s the empty chair where your partner once sat, the quiet that replaces shared laughter, and the jarring shift from “we” to “me.” Whether you’re reeling from the end or the one pushing for it, the emotional toll is undeniable—grief, doubt, and fear of future intimacy tangle together, making every step feel heavy. Yet, you’re not alone in this; countless others have faced this storm and emerged stronger.

But here’s the hope: this doesn’t have to be the end. Relationships can heal—sometimes a couples intensive or honest effort can bridge the gap. And if not, there are healthy ways to let go, to rebuild yourself, and to find peace or even love again. In this article, we’ll dive into what separation really means, how to navigate its emotional maze, and the practical steps others have taken to mend what’s broken or move forward with grace—starting with rediscovering you.

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

Separating from your relationship means taking a break to reflect on the partnership and personal needs. It’s an emotionally tough step that can lead to reconciliation or signal the end, like a breakup or divorce. Yet, it also offers a chance for growth and clarity.

For example, a temporary separation might help partners tackle personal struggles—think stress or burnout—aiming to reunite stronger. On the flip side, a separation as a prelude to divorce often hints at deeper, unresolved issues.

Separation comes in different flavors:

Trial Separation: A structured, temporary split where partners live apart but stay legally married, often hoping to reconcile with clear rules like counseling.
Permanent Separation: An ongoing break, usually a step toward divorce, without rushing to legally end the marriage.
Legal Separation: A formal, court-backed setup where partners stay married but sort out assets, debts, and responsibilities.

Though challenging, going down this path can deliver a fresh perspective, letting the relationship reassess things calmly. It doubles as emotional breathing room, easing tension and sparking personal growth. It’s a rough road, but it can guide couples toward healthier futures.

What Are The Things To Consider Before Separating?

Sometimes, only one person wants to separate. It can be as simple as your spouse saying they need space. Or they may want a longer break from the emotional turmoil that has become your relationship.

You may be the one who’d like to take a break from the relationship. Perhaps you’re exhausted from holding your failing relationship together and need distance. If you’re thinking about separating from your partner, consider your options before you make a decision.

Here are six key things to weigh before deciding. Being on the same page with your partner about the terms of separation is crucial for mutual understanding and agreement on how to proceed.

6 Things To Consider Before Separation

Separation is a significant step with emotional and practical implications. Even if it feels necessary, it’s important to prepare for the challenges ahead. These six considerations can help you approach the process thoughtfully, protecting both you and everyone involved.

1. Understand Why You’re Going

Be clear about your reasons for to go through with this. For instance, if constant arguments about finances are overwhelming, recognize that. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand if this is a temporary frustration or a deeper issue. Honestly evaluating your feelings and beliefs about the relationship will provide clarity and guide your decision, helping your partner understand your perspective.

2. Know Where You’re Going

Plan your logistics in advance. Decide who will move out and where you’ll stay, whether it’s with friends, family, or a rental. Make a list of shared responsibilities like bills and pet care, and discuss the details early to avoid conflicts. A clear plan reduces stress and keeps the focus on emotional healing.

3. Talk Everything Through

Have an honest conversation with your partner about your decision. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I need space to think.” Prepare key points in advance to stay calm and focused during the discussion. Establish guidelines for communication, including how to handle text messages, to ensure the process is constructive and does not lead to further complications or emotional turmoil. This approach fosters understanding and sets a respectful tone for the separation.

4. Set The Rules

Establish clear boundaries for your separation, such as no dating others or regular check-ins. Consider writing them down together as an informal agreement to avoid misunderstandings. This structure helps both of you reflect without added stress and prevents mixed signals during the break.

5. Be Gentle

If you’re initiating the separation, be kind and empathetic. Acknowledge and respect your partner’s feelings and avoid blame. For example, say, “I know this is hard, and I’m sorry for the pain it causes.” Gentleness eases the emotional impact and keeps communication open.

6. Be Open To All Emotions

Expect a range of emotions, from relief to sadness. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Journaling or joining a support group can help you process these feelings and address any worry you may have, guiding your next steps. Embracing your emotions will clarify whether to reconcile or move forward separately.

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

If your partner brings up separation, brace for a wave of emotions. At first, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and struggle emotionally in that critical moment. You might face separation anxiety and a mix of tough, painful feelings before regaining your balance. But there are constructive ways to handle this—you can view it as a chance to grow and see your relationship differently.

7 Stages Of Separation

Although our emotional reactions are highly individual, there are some stages that most individuals go through after feeling stuck in their unwilling and unexpected relationship separation. All in all, there are seven common stages of separation, and it is crucial to make well-considered decisions rather than impulsively decided ones.

1. Denial

Denial is refusing to accept that your relationship is over, often clinging to familiar patterns. You might act as if the separation isn’t happening, hoping things will magically fix themselves.

Symptoms:
- Avoiding breakup conversations.
- Maintaining routines, like cooking for two.
Coping Strategies:
- Journal daily to gently face reality.
- Confide in a trusted friend for support.

Alex couldn’t admit their marriage was over, leaving their partner’s clothes in the closet. Writing daily reflections helped them start accepting the change.

2. Anger

Anger brings intense frustration, often aimed at your ex or the situation. It can spill over, straining other relationships or clouding your judgment.

Symptoms:
- Snapping at friends or family.
- Feeling a constant edge of rage.
Coping Strategies:
- Channel energy into exercise, like running.
- Express yourself through art or writing.

Sarah felt furious after her split, lashing out at friends. Joining a dance class turned her anger into energy, helping her regain calm.

3. Guilt

Guilt involves blaming yourself for the separation, obsessing over past mistakes. It can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the breakup alone.

Symptoms:
- Replaying “what if” scenarios.
- Feeling regret over past conflicts.
Coping Strategies:
- Practice self-kindness with affirmations.
- Write a forgiving letter to yourself.

Jamie agonized over ending their relationship, thinking they’d failed. A self-forgiveness letter eased their burden over time.

4. Fear

Fear sparks anxiety about what lies ahead—being alone, financial struggles, or change. It can keep you up at night, amplifying uncertainty.

Symptoms:
- Racing thoughts about the future.
- Trouble sleeping or focusing.
Coping Strategies:
- Lean on friends or family for reassurance.
- Plan one day at a time to feel in control.

Taylor panicked about living alone after separation. Talking with a friend and making a simple daily schedule eased their anxiety.

5. Grief

Grief is the deep sadness of losing your shared life. It can hit hard, leaving you mourning the past and what might have been.

Symptoms:
- Frequent crying or feeling empty.
- Missing your partner’s presence.
Coping Strategies:
- Journal to process your emotions.
- Join a support group to share the load.

Jordan missed their ex’s laughter, grieving late at night. Journaling those feelings helped them slowly work through the loss.

6. Re-invention

Re-invention is rediscovering yourself outside the relationship. It’s exciting but daunting as you explore new interests or goals.

Symptoms:
- Feeling unsure about new ventures.
- Excitement mixed with hesitation.
Coping Strategies:
- Set small goals, like trying a hobby.
- Celebrate wins to build confidence.

Casey felt lost post-separation but took up gardening. Growing their first plants sparked a new sense of purpose.

7. Acceptance

Acceptance means finding peace with the separation. You feel ready to embrace life again, with a lighter heart.

Symptoms:
- Feeling calmer and more hopeful.
- Readiness to move forward.
Coping Strategies:
- Practice mindfulness, like deep breathing.
- Reflect on lessons learned.

Riley struggled for months but eventually felt okay. Daily breathing exercises helped them welcome a fresh start.

These stages aren’t linear—you might revisit some. Take your time, and you’ll find your way forward.

Frequently Asked Questions About Separation in Relationships

1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?

Separation means living apart, which can be temporary or permanent, while still legally married, offering a chance to reconcile. Divorce legally ends the marriage, making both parties single and able to remarry. This distinction helps clarify next steps, with separation often seen as a middle ground for reflection.

2. How long should a trial separation last?

Experts often suggest a trial separation lasts 3 to 6 months, giving both partners space to reflect and decide. Setting a clear end date and terms ensures clarity and prevents confusion, aligning with the need for structure during separation.

3. How to cope with separation when children are involved?

Prioritize children’s well-being by maintaining routines, co-parenting effectively, and seeking family therapy. Honest, age-appropriate communication helps children express feelings and adjust to changes, addressing a significant gap in the article not covering parental responsibilities.

4. Can separation save a relationship?

Yes, separation can save a relationship by providing space for reflection and growth, especially with counseling. Both partners must be committed, though success isn’t guaranteed and varies by situation, complementing the article’s mention of reconciliation without detailed outcomes.

Join our Relationship Intimacy Retreat Workshop to navigate separation with expert support

Separation hurts, even if the relationship or the marriage was not emotionally fulfilling. First, any kind of separation causes a whirlwind of various emotions that you first have to deal with before learning how to actually cope with your separation and finding ways to recover from all the separation-induced resentment.

Long story short, breaking up is rarely a pretty sight and an easy endeavor, and separating from your partner will take a toll on your life. However, what’s important to know is that it’s not the end and that you’ll start feeling satisfied again. If you notice you’re struggling to get there, you can rely on the certified professionals at PIVOT for assistance.

We have assembled a team of caring, empathetic, and experienced relationship advocates who can help you deal with the aftermath of your separation at our individual workshops or maybe help you and your partner find common ground again at our couple retreat. Whatever your choice is, know that we’ll do everything in our power to help you.

How to Deal With Guilt in a Relationship

Posted on May 5, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

If you’re wondering how to deal with guilt in a relationship, know this—you’re not alone. So many of us have been there, caught in that quiet ache of feeling like we’ve let someone we love down. Picture this: you’ve been slammed with work lately, missing those cozy date nights or even just a few minutes to really connect with your partner. They might say it’s okay, but that nagging guilt still creeps in, whispering that you’re not doing enough. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? That kind of guilt can mess with your head and your heart, whether it’s sparked by something you did, a stray thought you can’t shake, or even the pressure of expectations from family or culture. But here’s the thing: guilt is a human thing, not a life sentence.

Guilt can feel heavy, but it’s often a gentle nudge from your heart, signaling when something you’ve done doesn’t align with your values—especially in relationships, where it can guide you to stay true to what matters. Yet, when guilt lingers too long, it can stir self-doubt and stress, straining your well-being and connections. If that hits home, you’re not alone, and understanding its roots is a brave step toward healing.

The good news? There’s hope in reach. Chatting with a relationship coach, trying out a workshop, opening up honestly, or just sitting with your thoughts can lighten the load. Stick with us—we’ll dig deeper into guilt and uncover ways to move forward together.

What Causes Feelings Of Guilt?

Guilt can creep up on you for a whole range of reasons, some of which are perfectly rational. Many individuals experience guilt when considering leaving a relationship, reflecting on societal expectations, and personal emotions. They may feel they do not deserve compassion and understanding, leading to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Others, not so much. Worry, especially in the context of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), can generate feelings of guilt and negative thoughts, which are natural responses that should be recognized and not punished. Studies suggest some feel overly responsible for their partner’s problems, a type of guilt linked to attachment issues.

Rational Guilt

Rational guilt arises when you feel like you’ve done something wrong, that is, you’ve violated your own values and are going against your moral compass, causing you to feel ashamed of your actions. For example, you may feel guilt because you have:

Hurt someone.
Cheated.
Lied.
Otherwise broken your own moral code.

This form of guilt helps you regulate your social behavior and keep you on the right track toward achieving your goals. Nevertheless, even rational guilt can eat away at you, especially if you struggle with changing your behaviors.

Irrational Guilt

Irrational guilt is a different animal. It tends to come from our “shoulds”, that is, the rules we impose on ourselves. For instance, you may feel irrational guilt for:

Mistakenly assuming responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviors.
Feeling like you are a burden to your loved ones.
Feeling like you haven’t done enough to make people happy.
Feeling like you’re not doing anything meaningful in your life.

Of course, these are just a couple of examples of irrational guilt. You may feel guilt for a wide variety of different reasons unique to you. However, no matter the cause, feeling guilty for irrational reasons can impact your mood, reduce your productivity and concentration, damage your relationships and actions in numerous ways.

It is important to be aware of negative self-talk and behavior patterns that contribute to irrational guilt. Practicing self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and patience you would offer a friend can help mitigate these feelings.

The difficult thing about irrational guilt is that it can easily disguise itself as rational guilt. After all, who says that it’s irrational to feel guilty about not spending enough time with your family? Or to feel guilty because you’re not taking enough opportunities in your life because of your perceived laziness? The thing is, this sort of reasoning often comes from an underlying anxiety or thoughts that you imported without reflection. If left to linger, irrational guilt can nag at you, regardless of what you actually do. In a sense, it tends to become even more irrational over time.

What Are The Signs Of Guilt?

Guilt can result in a variety of physical, social, and emotional symptoms that influence your daily actions. Some of these may include the following:

Sleep disturbances
Stomach and digestion problems
Muscle tension
Heightened sensitivity to the effects of your actions
Feeling overwhelmed by decision making
An extreme tendency to put others’ needs before your own
Low self-esteem
A persistent tendency to avoid uncomfortable emotions

How Guilt Can Ruin A Relationship

Excessive guilt can have a detrimental effect on your romantic relationships. Ask yourself how many things in your life do you do out of guilt and obligation? Or out of fear that you may be losing your partner? You may feel bad due to guilt-tripping within your relationship, where one person uses guilt to manipulate the other, leading to resentment over time. Evidence indicates guilt can strain bonds when used to manipulate, such as through exaggerated hurt.

You may go along with what your partner wants (or what you think they want) because you fear they may find someone better and leave you. Or you might fear being judged by your partner’s family and friends, so you try to impress them. As you can see, guilt and fear often go hand in hand. Together, they may cause feelings of uneasiness in your relationship, make it harder for you to open up, and cause feelings of resentment. This can significantly impact your partner’s feelings, as they may sense your internal struggle and feel hurt by your actions.

In romantic relationships, guilt often ties directly to core elements like trust, communication, and intimacy, amplifying its destructive potential:

Trust: When one partner feels guilty, they might start to feel unworthy, which can erode their self-esteem and make them doubt their value in the relationship. Meanwhile, the other partner might struggle to forgive or let go of past mistakes, leading to a cycle of mistrust.
Communication: Guilt can cause withdrawal or excessive apologies, creating barriers to honest dialogue. A partner might avoid discussing their feelings out of fear of burdening the other, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
Intimacy: Emotional guilt can reduce both physical and emotional closeness. A guilty partner might pull away, while the other feels rejected, creating a gap that’s hard to bridge.

Evaluate the ways in which you respond to feelings of guilt – you may find that it controls your life far more than you thought, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. By understanding these specific impacts, you can better address guilt in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than letting it fester.

How Do You Deal With Guilt In A Relationship With Self Compassion?

It can be quite hard to let go of persistent relationship patterns, especially when they are fueled by guilt. Still, you can learn to handle excessive guilt and overcome its effects. Here are some guidelines:

Develop better self-regulation skills and take action if you feel that your guilt is justified.
Practice mindfulness and meditation to put your guilt into perspective.
Don’t be too hard on yourself and learn forgiveness.
Learn from your guilt and your mistakes.
Keep your perfectionism in check and remember that your perspective may be skewed by your high expectations.
Prioritize self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, in a similar way to how you would treat a close friend or family member.
Release guilt by practicing self-forgiveness and focusing on emotional well-being. Engaging in activities like volunteering can transform negative feelings into positive emotions, ultimately enhancing your mood and providing a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Understanding Guilt in Your Relationship

Guilt often stems from unmet expectations or perceived mistakes in a relationship. Recognizing its source—whether it’s something you did or a dynamic you can’t control—helps you address it constructively rather than letting it fester.

Practical Strategies to Manage Guilt

Beyond mindfulness, try specific actions like journaling to process your feelings or having an honest conversation with your partner to rebuild trust. Small, intentional steps can shift guilt into growth. Studies show understanding your partner’s view can ease guilt and improve communication.

Why Empathy and Self-Compassion Matter

Treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one is key to breaking guilt’s hold. Self-compassion doesn’t erase responsibility—it empowers you to move forward with clarity and emotional balance.

Speak with a relationship coach and discuss your guilt in depth to not only gain a new perspective, but also a plan of action that is unique to your personal story. Seeking professional help is crucial when feelings of guilt become overwhelming and negatively affect your daily life. Therapeutic tools can provide support for processing emotions and coping with guilt.

Frequently Asked Questions About Guilt in Relationships

1. What are the common causes of guilt in relationships?

Guilt often arises from actions like lying or neglecting your partner’s needs, or from irrational thoughts, such as feeling you’re not good enough. It can also stem from external pressures, like family expectations. Understanding these triggers can help you address guilt constructively.

2. How does guilt impact my relationship?

Guilt can distance you from your partner, block open communication, and lessen intimacy. It may cause withdrawal or excessive apologies, fostering resentment and weakening trust. Addressing it early can rebuild and sustain connection.

3. How can I stop feeling guilty in my relationship?

Identify if your guilt is rational or irrational. For rational guilt, apologize sincerely and take action to make amends. For irrational guilt, practice self-compassion, challenge negative thoughts, and discuss your feelings with your partner to rebuild trust and connection.

4. What is guilt tripping, and how can I deal with it?

Guilt tripping is when someone manipulates you by inducing guilt, like using silent treatment. Address it by setting boundaries, calmly discussing the behavior, and seeking support if it persists. Open communication can help break the cycle.

5. When should I seek professional help for guilt in my relationship?

If guilt feels overwhelming, persistent, or disrupts your daily life and relationship, a therapist or relationship coach can offer tailored strategies to manage it and strengthen your connection. Professional support can be a game-changer.

Take the Next Step to Heal Guilt in Your Relationship With PIVOT

Feeling overwhelmed by guilt in your relationship? You’re not alone, and you don’t have to face it by yourself. At PIVOT, our compassionate relationship coaches help you understand and release guilt, guiding you toward healthier communication, renewed trust, and deeper connection with your partner. Whether through Personalized Coaching for tailored support or our Relationship Retreats to build lasting emotional skills, PIVOT offers the tools you need to move forward. Start Your Healing Journey with PIVOT today and rediscover the joy in your relationship.

The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling: Impact and Solutions

Posted on April 30, 2025 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone you love, only to be met with cold, unyielding silence? That crushing moment when your words vanish into a void is stonewalling, and the emotional effects of stonewalling can leave you feeling rejected, alone, and unheard. Conflicts, from minor disagreements to major disputes, are a natural part of human relationships, shaping our stories and interactions.

Yet, conflicts can strengthen bonds when resolved with care. Every resolved dispute builds trust and resilience, making relationships worth fighting for. But when one person stonewalls, shutting down instead of engaging, it halts this process, leaving emotional wounds that can linger.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Both partners must work together to resolve conflicts. When one side withdraws completely, stonewalling not only blocks solutions but also deepens feelings of frustration and pain. Understanding its impact is the first step toward healing.

What Does Stonewalling Behavior Mean?

Stonewalling is a communication tactic where one person (“stonewaller”) completely withdraws from a situation or a conversation, creating a metaphorical “stone wall” between them and the person trying to communicate. This type of behavior isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships alone. Rather, it can occur in friendships, as well as professional and parent-child relationships, too.

While it may seem like a simple coping mechanism, aimed at avoiding conflict and difficult feelings, stonewalling can have severe emotional consequences for the recipient, leading to the question of if stonewalling is gaslighting. Emotional awareness is key in identifying and addressing these issues early. Over time, it can erode mutual trust and destroy the emotional bond that holds the relationship together. Intentional stonewalling, used as a manipulative behavior, can exert power and control over a partner, resulting in emotional abuse and neglect.

Finally, it is important to note that stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is employed consciously to manipulate, belittle, or humiliate the recipient. For this reason, and the fact that stonewalling is detrimental to everyone involved, it is important to understand its implications, as well as to seek support and help, preferably from a professional relationship coach or counselor, or trusted friends and family members.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Stonewalling In Romantic Relationships?

Without exaggeration, we can say that the emotional consequences of stonewalling can be devastating, both for the recipient and the relationship as a whole. It can make the person on the receiving end feel like their thoughts and feelings simply don’t matter. Like the effort and dedication they put in to connect with their partner and better the relationship is worth nothing, ultimately damaging the emotional connection.

Needless to say, this type of emotional withdrawal can leave a person feeling lonely, rejected, and invalidated. Over time, these feelings can lead to a full breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy which, in turn, can cause feelings of resentment and disconnection toward the stonewaller.

Additionally, when one partner withdraws from a conversation, it does nothing to help resolve the issue. Instead, it leaves the other feeling frustrated and unheard, which only causes increased tension and leads to more arguments, therefore escalating the conflict. Introducing meaningful conversation is crucial to address these challenges effectively.

This causes communication breakdowns where both individuals struggle to effectively express themselves, their needs, and their emotions, yet aren’t able to find any common ground. Ultimately, pent-up anger and frustration may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship which can (and often does) end up in a breakup, especially if the issue is left unattended.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Stonewalling can be a subtle weapon in gaslighting. When someone shuts down communication—like ignoring your texts during an argument—and later denies the issue even existed, it’s a double blow that leaves you questioning your reality. This overlap makes both tactics especially disorienting.

The emotional toll is heavy: stonewalling breeds frustration and helplessness, while gaslighting sows confusion and self-doubt. Together, they can erode trust and make you feel unheard or unstable. For example, imagine asking, “Why didn’t you respond?” only to hear, “I never saw your message,” despite clear evidence otherwise.

Quick Coping Tips

Set Boundaries: Calmly state your needs (e.g., “I need us to talk about this”).
Use ‘I’ Statements: Say “I feel ignored” to express yourself without escalating tension.
Seek Support: Talk to a friend or therapist to regain perspective.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: Key Differences and Overlaps

Aspect	Stonewalling	Gaslighting	Overlap
Definition	Withdrawing from communication	Manipulating someone’s sense of reality	Stonewalling can be used to gaslight
Emotional Impact	Frustration, helplessness	Confusion, self-doubt, loss of trust	Both erode trust and cause distress
Example	Ignoring texts during an argument	Denying a conversation ever happened	Stonewalling followed by denial

What Are The Emotional Effects Of Stonewalling?

The emotional effects of stonewalling can be profound and long-lasting, affecting different types of relationships in various ways:

In romantic relationships, when a partner withdraws, stonewalling can cause feelings of emotional isolation and disconnection. It can erode the trust and emotional connections between partners, creating a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction, which can ultimately lead to a breakup. Picture your partner shutting down mid-argument, refusing to respond as you plead for connection—this silence stings like rejection. For someone anxiously attached, the emotional effects of stonewalling can spark fears of being abandoned, deepening the hurt, and making them feel overwhelmed.
In parent-child relationships, stonewalling can create a sense of confusion and insecurity in the child. They may feel unheard, invalidated, unloved, and even insignificant. This can leave lasting emotional scars on the child’s psyche, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships in the future. Imagine a child asking why their parent is upset, only to get a blank stare in return—it’s like they’re invisible. If they crave closeness, this disconnection can feel overwhelming, planting seeds of self-doubt.
In friendships, stonewalling can create a sense of rejection and hurt, leaving the other person feeling excluded and unimportant. It can also trigger past traumas and emotional wounds, leading to further distress and emotional pain. Think of texting a friend about a falling-out, only to be ignored for days—it’s a gut punch of exclusion. For those with an avoidant attachment style, the emotional effects of stonewalling might push them to withdraw further, masking their own pain.
In professional relationships, stonewalling can lead to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and a lack of trust among colleagues, which can create a toxic work environment that cripples productivity and morale. Additionally, it can also prevent the resolution of conflicts and hinder problem-solving, leading to negative impacts on job performance and career advancement opportunities. Picture a coworker dodging your emails about a project dispute, leaving you in the dark—it breeds frustration and distrust. Even secure types might feel unsettled, as the silence disrupts teamwork and clarity.

It is crucial to note that stonewalling can leave lasting consequences to the recipient’s mental health, including persistent self-doubt and low self-esteem. In addition, it can exacerbate existing mental health conditions and, in some cases, cause the formation of various psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). The emotional toll of stonewalling is significant, leading to feelings of disrespect, loneliness, and emotional pain, which can ultimately damage the relationship beyond repair.

The following table summarizes how stonewalling impacts emotions across different relationships, highlighting its far-reaching effects:

Relationship Type	Emotional Effects of Stonewalling
Romantic	Isolation, trust erosion, potential breakup
Parent-Child	Confusion, insecurity, feeling unheard, lasting scars
Friendships	Rejection, hurt, exclusion, triggers past traumas
Professional	Communication breakdowns, toxic environment, frustration

Beyond the Silence: Key Questions on Stonewalling’s Emotional Impact

1. How does stonewalling impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?

Stonewalling blocks open communication, reducing emotional intimacy and trust. Partners may feel isolated, weakening their connection over time.

2. Why are men more likely to stonewall, and what does this mean for couples?

Research suggests that men may stonewall as a way to cope with emotional overwhelm, often due to differences in how they process emotions. A UC Berkeley study found that this behavior can lead to physical health issues, like back pain, particularly in men. This not only strains relationships emotionally—by shutting down communication—but can also take a physical toll on the stonewaller, adding complexity to the couple’s dynamic.

3. Can stonewalling be considered emotional abuse?

Yes, when used intentionally to control or punish, stonewalling becomes abusive, causing distress and feelings of invalidation.

4. How can couples heal from the emotional damage of stonewalling?

Healing involves open communication and therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, to rebuild trust and learn healthier conflict resolution.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Emotional Effects of Stonewalling

Attachment theory reveals how early relationships influence our responses to stonewalling. Each style—anxious, avoidant, ambivalent, or secure—shapes how we react to this behavior. Understanding your attachment style offers clarity for navigating these moments.

Anxious Attachment: Feels deep rejection and abandonment fears when stonewalled. May respond with anxiety, seeking reassurance or clinging.
Avoidant Attachment: Stonewalls to shield from emotional overwhelm. Still feels disconnection despite the self-protective silence.
Ambivalent Attachment: Swings between craving closeness and withdrawing. Feels confused or frustrated by stonewalling, unsure how to react.
Secure Attachment: Finds stonewalling disruptive but handles it with communication. May address it directly or explore its cause.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Solutions for Stonewalling’s Emotional Effects

Stonewalling can feel like a wall between you and someone you care about, but there are ways to break through. Here are practical steps to address its emotional toll and rebuild connection:

Pause and Take Breaks: When emotions run high, agree to pause the conversation. Use a signal, like raising hands, and take a 20-minute break to cool off. This helps both of you return with clearer minds.
Practice Self-Soothing: Try deep breathing—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6—to calm stress. Visualizing a peaceful place can also ease the urge to shut down.
Enhance Communication: Listen actively by repeating back what your partner says to show understanding. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when we don’t talk,” to express feelings without blame.
Create a Safe Space: Set a weekly time for open, calm talks where both agree to listen without judgment. This reduces fear and encourages honest dialogue.

Start Healing from Stonewalling with PIVOT Today

Stonewalling can leave you feeling isolated and unheard, but you don’t have to face it alone. At PIVOT, our Glass House retreat offers a serene escape to focus on rebuilding trust and connection. Guided by certified relationship coaches, our therapeutic process helps you heal trauma, identify unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling, and build a clear path to lasting, healthy communication skills.

Take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Contact PIVOT today for a consultation and discover how our tailored programs can transform your relationships.