Author: Lori Jean Glass

No child grows up in a vacuum. Whether directly or indirectly, parents and caregivers influence the values and beliefs of their children. Your parents, for example, may have taught you directly what they believed was right or wrong. They may have also set an example for you on how to interact with others. What you learn from your parents and how you interact with them during childhood has a major impact on your own moral development. 

However, what if the values your parents instilled no longer match who you are as an adult? 

It is very common for children to grow up and develop different moral values and views than those of their parents. You might disagree with your parents on politics and religion. You may also have a different view on what a healthy family is. 

No matter the specific disagreements, getting along with your parents when you don’t share the same values can be challenging. Yet, it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with your family, and attending a relationship building skills workshop can be of great help in that. Keep on reading to find out how family can shape your values and what you can do if you don’t share their morals. 

How Does Your Family Affect Your Values?

Your family can mold your personality and values in a variety of subtle and direct ways. From teaching you what’s good and bad, right and wrong, to helping you develop relationships with your peers. However, their impact on your values doesn’t necessarily have to be positive or congruent with who you grow up to be. You may find that you no longer agree with your parents on things that matter to you and to them, such as religion, sexuality, or politics. 

The problem is, the ways of feeling, thinking, acting, and judging we learn in childhood often stay with us throughout our lives. And even if you try and reject your family’s influence on your values, you’ll often find that it’s harder than it seems. The morals, behaviors, and attitudes acquired in childhood are difficult to shake off, and it’s quite normal to keep reflecting your parents’ ways of thinking and behaving for quite some time. 

What If I Don’t Share Values With My Family?

Do you dread family gatherings? The dinner-table discussions that seem to end up in emotional arguments? Or are you tired of getting unsolicited advice from your family members on how you should live your life? 

Situations such as these can greatly affect the relationship you have with your family members. Even an innocent conversation can go downhill quickly if one of the more deeply held values is challenged on either side. This can lead to strained relationships, fewer gatherings, or even severing of the relationship if no common ground can be found. 

However, do you have to distance yourself from your family if they have different ethical standards? While having different values can put a serious strain on your family relationships, it doesn’t mean that you can’t make an effort to keep things in check. There are ways in which you can overcome the challenge of having different values than your family. However, not all families are the same. For some, their values may be so deeply ingrained and important that they would risk severing ties with their kids or siblings. 

How Do You Deal With Parents With Different Values?

If you don’t share all of your values with your parents, it is important to try and separate them as people from their opinions and beliefs. While it may be near impossible to keep your cool in some situations and uncomfortable moments, you can strive to stay calm and avoid personal attacks when trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your loved ones. Here are some tips: 

• Start by being honest. Being completely honest with your parents can be scary, no matter your age. Still, being straightforward and open about your values and beliefs can help maintain a relationship built on trust and respect.
• Listen to what your parents and siblings have to say. It might feel impossible to step back and listen when you’re angry. Still, allowing your parents to speak and say their piece and really listening to them can foster mutual respect. 
• Try to show them your perspective without trying to change their minds. People get defensive when their values are challenged. This may make them inflexible, judgmental, and unwilling to listen. Try showing them that your intention is not to change their mind, yet simply to share your view. 
• Ask them to respect your beliefs. There’s no shame in asking for respect back if you are making an effort to show respect yourself. Ask your family to at least respect your values, even if they disagree with them. 
• Consider avoiding some topics altogether. Sometimes, the most effective strategy for minimizing conflict and salvaging relationships is to avoid certain contentious topics completely. 

How Do I Overcome My Family’s Values And Create My Own Legacy? 

Unfortunately, not all relationships can be saved. Your family’s values, beliefs, and behaviors may be too hurtful or hateful that it might feel impossible to reconcile. While this may be incredibly difficult, it may be better for both parties to maintain some form of distance if mutual respect isn’t possible. This may mean setting strong boundaries or temporarily or permanently severing ties with the family members who are unwilling to nurture a healthy relationship.  

Ultimately, your values are your own, and you can work on creating your own legacy without guilt or fear. Appreciate what your family has taught you and provided you with, however, walk your own unique path. 

Do You Want To Build Trust In A Relationship? Attend A PIVOT Workshop And Learn How! 

In many cases, healthy communication skills and investing effort in building honesty and respect can salvage strained family relationships. At PIVOT, we can help you build trust and respect with your family members without sacrificing your own values. Our individual coaching sessions can give you useful resources on practicing better self-regulation skills and healing your attachment wounds. Contact us now to find out more about our unique relationship building skills workshops and start facilitating positive behavioral change.

The family you grow up in can shape your personality, your approach to life, and your personal relationships. In the ideal world, every child would get the chance to thrive in a family environment that provides them with love and support to have secure attachments. Unfortunately, that is far from being reality for many people today. 

If you feel like your parents or caregivers may have impacted your adult life in a somewhat dysfunctional way, you are not alone. Parenting and family relationships as a whole are incredibly complex, and even the people who have our best interest at heart may fail at providing us with the affection and support we need. This can result in a whole range of problems in the kid’s life, including impaired self-regulation behavior, self-esteem, and overall relationship happiness. 

In this article, you will learn how to spot dysfunctional patterns in your family, get tips on overcoming relationship challenges, and break the pattern of dysfunction to become a healthy adult. Keep on reading. 

What Is An Unhealthy Family Relationship?

A family relationship can be considered toxic or dysfunctional for a number of reasons. Some common patterns found in such families may include impaired communication, a lack of closeness, excessive criticism, lack of empathy, power struggles, and excessive expectations. 

Still, your family may be dysfunctional in a completely different manner. Only you know the unique impact your family has had on your life and your place in the world. The thing is, if you were raised by someone who failed to provide you with appropriate care and affection, there is a chance that this will result in an avoidant or anxious attachment style and influence your parenting style as well. 

Because of this, it is important to uncover any patterns of dysfunctional relationships in your family and try to stop them from hindering you. This is the first step towards breaking the pattern of family dysfunction and creating your own legacy with your own values. 

What Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family?

Identifying unhealthy patterns in family relationships can be hard, especially if they are all you have ever known. Here are some common examples of dysfunctional families that may or may not apply to you: 

• Poor communication: dysfunctional families often have a hard time communicating and listening to each other. This may include not speaking to each other often, yelling, engaging in one-sided conversations, and so on. 
• Lack of intimacy: relationships built on intimacy are enriched by meaningful and deep connections. Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, often have intimacy issues. You might not b able to trust your parents or caregivers or you might feel like there’s no real closeness between you. 
• Constant sibling comparisons: Parents who blatantly and consistently compare their children can cause deep-seated insecurity that may last throughout their child’s life. It may even cause serious rivalries between siblings. 
• Constant criticism: many parents want what’s best for their kids and often criticize their choices. However, when criticism is relentless and meant to put you down, it can cause a wide array of self-image issues and insecurities. 
• Unpredictable environments: kids who are exposed to unpredictable and impulsive family interactions experience substantial emotional trauma. They may also perpetuate the same chaotic behaviors in their adult relationships as well. 
• Substance abuse and enabling behaviors: people who experience childhood trauma and are raised by someone who abuses substances are more likely to abuse alcohol and/or drugs in adulthood, too. Or, become codependent on taking care of others and enabling their spouse and/or children. 

How Do You Deal With An Unhealthy Family Relationship?

Dealing with an unhealthy family relationship is a long process that is unique to each family system. However, a good first step is usually to identify family patterns that do not serve you and look for ways to overcome the negative effects of your upbringing. You can also try: 

• Communicating honestly with your family members to invite them into a change process with you 
• Cutting ties with toxic family members or avoid certain family events 
• Setting appropriate boundaries to protect your well-being 
• Reaching out to professionals and finding resources to understand your family’s toxic patterns 

How Do You Break A Family Pattern Of Dysfunction?

It can take quite some time to break from a dysfunctional family pattern. Still, identifying and overcoming unhealthy relationship behaviors can help you step into relational change and pivot into a healthy adult. Here are some guidelines you can follow: 

• Find courage: it takes a great deal of bravery to confront your family. Try to develop coping strategies for conflict and prepare yourself before opening up dialogue with your family members.  
• Learn how to set boundaries: healthy emotional and physical boundaries can help you keep your distance from troubling family members and minimize their impact on your wellbeing. 
• Minimize contact: unfortunately, it is sometimes impossible to salvage dysfunctional relationships. If your attempts to remedy the relationship have failed, it may be time to cut contact with the family member for a period of time. 
• Find a healthy support system: do you have friends or other family members you can rely on when things get tough? This can be of immense value if you find it overwhelming to deal with the harmful family relationships on your own. 
• Let go of things that you can’t change: it is often futile to try and change the opinions and behavior of your family members and trying to do so may cost you quite a bit of energy and nerves. 
• Seek guidance from compassionate and knowledgeable relationship coaches. Professionals can help you identify unhealthy relationship patterns and provide you with resources for breaking them. 

Looking For A Relationship Problems And Solutions Retreat? Contact PIVOT Now 

PIVOT is here to provide you with valuable resources and tools for improving your relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. With our help, you can find the courage to leave behind the unhealthy patterns that no longer serve you and build new habits to improve your wellbeing. Feel free to contact us to find out more about our carefully crafted individual coaching modules as well as our customized workshops for relationship problems. Get in touch with us now. 

Even stable relationships have their ups and downs. It’s quite normal to exchange different opinions and disagree with your partner on certain issues. However, when does this become a problem? When disagreements become more and more frequent and normal exchanges turn into heated arguments or fights. When fights become so common that you celebrate the times when there aren’t any. This can be a sign that you and your partner may need to take a step back and assess the situation.

While relationships differ, fighting on a daily basis can become mentally, physically, and emotionally draining and you probably want the fighting to stop. You may want to consider joining a couple relationship management workshop and seeking support from expert coaches. Learning more about why you do what you do – individually and together can be the first step toward positive change. 

Is It Normal To Fight Every Day In A Relationship?

Experiencing disagreements, arguments, and even fights with your partner is a normal part of being in a relationship. In fact, having a peaceful argument with your partner can be beneficial to your wellbeing, as well as improve the quality of your relationship. 

However, what happens if you the fights become so frequent they’re almost daily? When they become so heated you end up feeling tired and drained afterward? It might be a good idea to try and resolve the underlying issues that are instigating arguments in the first place.

Also, there is no reason to allow your arguments to become disrespectful and end up hurting both of you without actually reaching a conclusion. And yes, there are several ways to keep your arguments respectful and less draining:

• Try not to allow your emotions to influence the things you say.
• Attempt to speak in “I” phrases rather than “you” phrases.
• Do your best to avoid assaulting your partner’s character.
• Focus on the issue at hand as much as you can.
• Try to point out the problems without disrespecting your partner.
• Do what you can to avoid threats of leaving.
• Refrain from resorting to emotional or physical abuse.

Why Do I Get Tired When I Argue?

Feeling exhausted after being in a fight with your partner is only one of the many disadvantages of experiencing constant disagreements and arguments. The main reason behind your exhaustion is the innate stress fighting brings. 

Stress caused by fighting also leads to increased muscle tension, as well as a boosted arousal of the autonomic nervous system. When all this combines, you will end up feeling tired. You may also experience headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and aches and pains in your muscles.

Constant and prolonged fighting can take a serious toll on you and your partner’s bodies, leading to actual physical sickness. Stress can compromise your immune system, which impacts the ability of your body to remain healthy and ward of potential diseases. 

What To Do When You Are Tired Of Fighting?

You can actually stop the vicious cycle of constant argument with your partner in a peaceful way. Preventing constant fights from arising could be a crucial step toward you and your partner finding relationship happiness and satisfaction. It can be worth trying to stop them from happening. Here’s what you can try to do:

• Calmly discuss your problems and individual dissatisfactions.
• Spend time listening to your partner without preparing your defense.  
• Get Curious as to why your partner is upset.
• Pinpoint the underlying reasons behind your arguments.
• Take the time to reflect on the new discoveries before discussing them again.
• Switch to a more positive approach and remember the reasons why you’re in a relationship with your partner. 
• Try to make some relationship changes together with your partner.
• Consider giving therapy a try. 

How Do You Cope After An Argument?

Silence, anger, grudges. All this remains if you and your partner don’t know how to cope with your arguments. It takes two to tango and dealing with the aftermath of a fight is essential for ensuring both you and your partner’s points of view were heard and acknowledged. Yes, it may be difficult to make the first step. Say the first “I’m sorry”. Acknowledge your own mistakes. Then, where to start?

• Take some time to cool off.
• When you feel it’s right, extend an additional olive branch besides the already spoken “I’m Sorry”..
• Take the time to listen to your partner’s perspective, and expect the same.
• Try to acknowledge your partner’s point of view, and share your own.
• It is good to attempt not to share blame.
• Try discussing the root issue, not details from the fight itself. 
• Work together with your partner to find a solution and a resolution.

PIVOT Designs Healthy Relationship Workshop Activities That Can Help With Your Arguments

Experiencing arguments and fights in a relationship is difficult. Even sporadic fights can be an emotionally and physically tasking experience that can leave you feeling completely drained once it’s over. The worst thing about relationship arguments is they can occur for a variety of reasons and it can be difficult for you to pinpoint exactly why they’re happening. 

Perhaps you or your partner have experienced relationship betrayal, causing you to be on edge, or one or both of you are high-conflict individuals looking to pick a fight. Sometimes, it may be because both partners are experiencing dissatisfaction within the relationship, and they are simply not able to better communicate their feelings and desires. 

Determining the cause behind the arguments is an important step in resolving the conflicts. That is what experienced relationship advocates at PIVOT can help you with. We have created both individual workshops for couple relationship management, as well as group relationship emotional coaching sessions meant to help resolve the problems between you and your partner. Call us today and seek the support you need. 

Open and honest communication is a pillar of healthy relationships. Being able to speak openly, honestly, and freely. However, there are some couples who aren’t able to do so in their relationships. Perhaps they’re part of a toxic relationship where they are unable to speak their mind. Maybe they just don’t know how. 

Or the problem is a bit more individual and personal and they’re simply scared of opening up and speaking honestly to their partner. Although not all communication problems in relationships come from a deliberate attempt to create drama, the communication challenges need to be addressed and resolved so that the relationship can strongly move forward. 

In some cases, turning to a relationship coaching retreat for individuals can help you understand yourself better. Understand where your communication issues come from. Even making the first step such as learning about common communication problems in a relationship may bring you closer to understanding and speaking your truth. 

Is It Good To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship?

Yes, speaking your mind in relationships is a good thing. You can express yourself in an open and honest way to a partner who’s understanding, caring, open to hearing your truth. Sharing your own personal thoughts and feelings with your partner can help you improve and deepen your relationship.

However, what if you’re feeling uncomfortable opening up? If you’ve had an unpleasant  experience of not being able to openly communicate with your partner in previous relationships, you might be vary of doing so again. Which is entirely understandable. Perhaps you’ve been blamed and judged for expressing a divergent opinion to your partner’s.

Or maybe your partner and you didn’t see eye to eye with each other. However, that doesn’t mean that being open and honest with your partner is something to be avoided. Speaking your mind allows you to be you, while being equally respectful, empathetic, and loving with your partner.

Why Am I So Afraid Of Speaking Up?

One of the biggest reasons why people are usually afraid of speaking openly and speaking up in a relationship is because they are afraid of insulting or alienating people closest to them. Whether due to past experiences or current fears, the inability to speak your mind can end up causing profound dissatisfaction. Not being able to express yourself, not feeling heard, or understood can affect yourself and your relationship. 

Why does the thought of speaking your truth make you feel uncomfortable? There might be many potential reasons why individuals are scared of speaking their mind in a relationship:

• You’re afraid your partner is going to judge you for the things you say.
• You’re scared of hurting your partner’s feelings.
• You’re uneasy sharing your honest thoughts with your partner because you’re afraid of alienating them.
• You think that you might make mistakes while expressing your opinions or feelings. 
• You fear confrontation if your opinions and thoughts are different from your partner’s. 
• You think it might come off as petty to share diverging opinions. 
• You’ve had unpleasant past experiences when sharing your truth. 
• You’re afraid your partner won’t completely understand what you are trying to express.
• You don’t want to upset your partner. 

Why Is It Important To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship?

Once you begin to confront your fears of speaking openly in your relationship, it’s a good idea to take a look at all of the benefits of doing so. This will further help you free yourself up to the possibility of sharing your honest thoughts and feelings more frequently. 

• You will open the door to your partner understanding who you are better.
• You will preserve your emotional health by not bottling important things up. 
• You will begin to share the inner, hidden self with your partner.
• Your self-respect will gradually begin to increase.
• Your partner will start to respect your feelings more. 
• You’ll avoid regretting not speaking up when it was time to do so. 
• The communication between you and your partner will become more open. 

How To Speak Your Truth In A Relationship

It’s important to know that speaking your mind is not an invitation to an argument or road to confrontation. Speaking your truth is the freedom to share your thoughts, feelings, fears, and even dissatisfactions with your partner. In an honest, open, and caring way.

Speaking openly means you are free to empathetically share with your partner without being met with disapproval, judgement, or anger. Simply be heard, understood, and appreciated. Here’s how you can attempt to do so:

• Say what’s on your mind while being respectful.
• Understand that you are allowed to feel the way you do.
• Be clear and honest about your desires and wishes.
• Don’t be afraid of saying something your partner disagrees with. 
• Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you’re experiencing. 
• Don’t apologize for your emotions. 
• Be open about wanting to be heard. 

Start Communicating Better At PIVOT Private Couples Retreat For Reconnection

If you and your partner are finding it difficult to communicate well, and you’re not sure what is causing it and what you can do about it, don’t be afraid to seek help. That is the first step in trying to find a solution to you and your partner’s communication difficulties that you may be facing on a daily basis. 

When attempting to resolve communication problems, it’s important to first determine the underlying reason behind them. Sometimes, it might be because you or your partner are trying to avoid conflict or because you’re afraid of being completely honest in your relationship. Whatever the reason, it’s vital to pinpoint it. However, that can be difficult to do, which is why you can consider contacting qualified and experience relationship advocates from PIVOT. We organize both group emotional and communication problems workshops, as well as individual couples workshops. We will help you share your truth with your partner. Contact us today!

Suffering betrayal in your relationship is one of the most difficult things an individual can endure. You rightfully expect your relationship to be full of love, support, and acceptance, which is why it is extremely hard to go through a situation where you feel betrayed in any way. That is why betrayals in relationships are difficult to overcome.

It doesn’t matter if the betrayal happened because of recent boredom in a relationship, or because you and your partner have started to become dishonest with each other. Betraying your loved one in any way can be explainable, but not excusable, and you and your partner need to face that event and resolve it if you plan on moving forward.

Some couples may need help from professional relationship experts in these cases. These trained and qualified professionals organize private couples retreat relationship workshops that address different relationship hardships. 

What Is Considered Betrayal In A Relationship?

The most common, and certainly one of the most hurtful forms of betrayal in a relationship is cheating on someone or having someone cheat on you. Yet, what if you haven’t experienced such a problem and still feel betrayed? 

Affairs are only one type of betrayal. Betrayals in relationships can take on many different forms, and each hurts in its own way. The following are only some of the most frequent forms of betrayals in relationships:

• Your partner constantly putting their needs and wants above yours.
• Experiencing emotional cheating on behalf of your partner. 
• Your partner not standing up for you in front of others. 
• Your partner being dishonest about different matters. 
• Having your insecurities and vulnerabilities used against you. 
• Noticing your partner emotionally distancing themselves from you.
• Being under constant pressure to change.
• Learning of your partner complaining about your relationship to someone else.
• Your partner prioritizing hobbies, work, or other passions above the relationship. 
• Having your private information divulged to others without your consent. 
• Your partner disrespecting you or criticizing you in front of others. 

Can You Love Someone And Betray Them?

No matter the type of betrayal you or your partner have experienced, it is a matter that can be very difficult to resolve and overcome. It can be emotionally draining and devastating. 

However, everyone makes mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t mean we do not love our partners, we do not appreciate them, or that we do not want to be with them. 

At PIVOT, we look at love as a verb. Are you being loving toward your partner?  Some days for personal reasons, we may not feel capable of giving and receiving love.  Life challenges arise and can sometimes bring a tremendous amount of fear, anxiety, and depression.  Not feeling loving does not excuse betraying your partner.  Communication is key. Share how you feel with each other so expectations are realistic.  

Mistakes happen. How we deal with those mistakes is what we can use to show our partners just how much we care about them. So yes, you can love your partner and betray them. Or be loved and feel betrayed. If it happens, it’s important to show them how much you care and do what’s in your power to make things right. 

What Does Betrayal Do To A Person?

Betrayals can have a great emotional impact on a person. They take many forms and happen for a variety of reasons, but they share a defining characteristic – they can leave serious emotional scars to those who have been betrayed. 

The initial reaction to betrayal varies from one person to another. Some individuals will, at first, feel surprised and confused, while others will feel immediate anger or sadness. All of us are different, and we react to unpleasant and hurtful situations in different ways. 

However, most people will, at some point, experience lack of trust toward the person who betrayed them. While this is a problem that can be overcome, it can truly damage a relationship if partners don’t find a way to resolve this issue. 

That is one of the biggest reasons why relationship betrayals are so difficult to overcome. Initial emotional reactions subside, while lack of trust lingers. And trust can be extremely difficult to rebuild. 

Why Is Betrayal So Painful?

Betrayals in relationships can cause you to overthink your entire relationship. They allow doubt and insecurity to creep into your relationship with your partner, which is a personal bond thought to be strong enough to withstand any challenge.

Depending on the individual, betrayals are painful for a variety of reasons. However, relationship betrayal usually hurts because we often feel that our partner, who is supposed to be closest to us, acted against us and exposed us to pain through their actions. 

And that is precisely why betrayal hurts so much. Where once there was certainty, there is now uncertainty. Where there was understanding, there is misunderstanding. And, where there was belief, there is now doubt. And that hurts. 

How Do You Deal With Betrayal In A Relationship?

Being betrayed is hard enough, but dealing with and overcoming relationship betrayal can be a lot more difficult to do. There is no set list of rules that will help you overcome betrayal in your relationship faster or better, but here are some tips that might help you deal with betrayal a bit more easily:

• Name and embrace the emotions you’re feeling, as understanding how you feel is the first step toward recovery.
• Don’t feel the need to explain your feelings to anyone or to rationalize them.
• Resist from the potential desire to retaliate to a betrayal. 
• Take as much time as you need to come to terms with your relationship betrayal.
• Assess the betrayal and attempt to uncover the possible reasons behind it. 
• Try to calmly discuss the betrayal with your partner and listen to their side.
• Take your thoughts and feelings to a retained professional coach to help you. 
• Know that you don’t have to stay.  If the betrayal is too damaging to you, you can work toward processing what to do and if the decision to leave is where you end up, that is a valid decision.  Often when children, money, and other factors are involved, it is important to give yourself time to understand what happened and why it happened so you can move on without carrying additional baggage. 

Leave Betrayal Behind At A PIVOT Couple Relationship Management Workshop 

Have you experienced a betrayal and want to find a way to deal with it? It’s important to first uncover the reasons behind that betrayal. Understanding why your partner betrayed your relationship is the first step in coming to terms with it and eventually managing to overcome the entire difficult situation.

Sometimes, relationship betrayals may happen because your relationship might have been toxic. You and your partner may have become increasingly emotionally distant. Knowing the causes of any kind of betrayal is essential for moving forward and finding a way to rebuild trust. That is why it is a good idea to seek help from expert relationship advocates at PIVOT. Our relationship advocates are knowledgeable and experienced professionals who organize both individual couples emotional coaching sessions, as well as group emotional workshops for couples. We are here to assist you in any way we can. Reach out to us today!

Do you find yourself constantly clashing with your partner, with conflicts only escalating instead of resolving in a healthy and peaceful manner? Have you tried different approaches of communicating while attempting to defuse the situation? Is it starting to seem that no matter what you do, say, or not say, it always goes the same? Conflict, anger, blame.

Perhaps there’s actually little you can do in these situations because it may have nothing to do with your actions, words, or behavior. Dealing with high conflict people can be really difficult and exhausting, especially if you’re giving it your all to make it work. 

Perhaps it is time to reach out to a relationship coach experienced in romantic relationships and try  building skills in couples’ workshops where you can address the underlying issues. However, learning what a high conflict personality is and if there are certain ways of successfully dealing with such individuals may help understand your partner or even yourself better. 

What Is A High Conflict Person?

A high conflict person is an individual who has a pattern of conflict behavior that increases conflict instead of resolving it or reducing it. We find that most individuals who are referred to as high conflict are typically complex – and not that complicated.  Often, in conflict situations, couples are fighting the wrong fight.  They are defending against old wounds of trauma and drama that have not been recognized and/or processed. 

This type of behavior makes it really tough for people in a relationship to deal with a high conflict partner. It can be difficult communicating and some people find it nearly impossible to resolve conflicts with their partners who keep the cycle going.

The Behavioral Pattern of High Conflict People

High conflict personality can involve a pattern of behavior that has four underlying principles. There principles are typically the following:

• Inability to manage emotions: High conflict people can react with intense disrespect, anger, fear, or even yelling when other individuals call their opinions into question. 
• All-or-nothing thinking: HCPs identify potential conflict resolution with a single outcome and without taking the time to analyze the issue and listen to different points of view. 
• Blaming others: High conflict people tend to blame others with a very high intensity while failing to notice faults in their own behavior. 
• Extreme behavior: A high conflict person can often engage in extreme behaviors, whether in person or in writing. This behavior can consist of physical aggression in the form of shoving and even hitting, to psychological aggression in the form of spreading lies and rumors. 

The Types of High Conflict Personalities

Many high conflict people share the above mentioned behavioral patterns. However, there are five different types of high conflict personalities. These types can be identified based on the similarities between their explicit manner of interacting with other people. The five types of HCP are:

• Antisocial: Antisocial high conflict people can be deceptive and charming while attempting to manipulate things toward their desired outcome. However, they can also be cruel and blame others to extremes in case they do not get what they want. 
• Narcissistic: Narcissistic HCPs most commonly focus on their targets of blame. They keep putting their targets down, frequently in public. This is their way of proving they are superior, and they can resort to using insults with their partners. 
• Borderline: These types of high conflict individuals often cling to their close personal relationships and quickly turn their partners into targets of blame in case of misperceived abandonment. They can be characterized with severe mood swings and sometimes dangerous physical and emotional behavior. 
• Paranoid: People who have paranoid high conflict personalities can be extremely suspicious of people around them. They can carry a grudge for a long time while punishing their targets of blame. 
• Histrionic: This type of HCP is most frequently associated with emotional manipulation and big emotional outbursts and drama. They can feel unjustly hurt by other people, which makes them attack their targets of blame without any apparent need. 

What Causes High Conflict Personality?

Unfortunately, it is not possible to determine what exactly causes individuals to develop a high conflict personality. There has been theoretical research that linked HCP to different variations of early-life neglect or abuse.

Same research theoretically excludes the potential of high conflict personality appearing due to any psychological or genetic conditions. It also attributes some role of temperament in the development of HCP. 

Also, there are indications that events that carry great emotional stress, such as divorces and relationship difficulties, can trigger HCP. However, all this remains at a semi-speculative and scientifically unproven level. 

What is important to note is that in partnerships, there needs to be a way that the couple can agree to resolve conflict based on their individual background and needs.  This is where relationship coaching can be a huge help. 

How Can You Tell If Someone Is A High Conflict Person?

So, how do you know if your partner might be high conflict? One of the methods of trying to identify a high conflict person is by implementing the WEB method. This method focuses on paying attention to the words people say, identifying your emotions when communicating with them, and taking into consideration their behavior. 

• Words: High conflict people may have the habit of speaking in extremes and perceiving people as either completely good or horribly bad. Also, they can blame others for their problems and failings while being unable to reflect on their own part in these situations. 
• Emotions: It is also necessary to identify your own emotions when speaking to a person who is potentially high conflict. Do you notice feeling defensive or uncomfortable while speaking with them? How about angry? Since emotions can transfer, you can find yourself experiencing anger toward somebody else after speaking with a high conflict person. 
• Behavior: Finally, how does your partner behave? Do they constantly find excuses for extreme behavior? Pay attention if they exhibit some of the behaviors that causes conflict for no apparent reason. 

Of course, if you notice that a person acts like this around you, ask yourself – is this their usual behavior? Sometimes your partner may have a bad day or experience an emotionally draining event. However, if you’re in a relationship with a partner who is constantly exhibiting similar behaviors, then, what if it’s not just a bad day? 

How Do You Deal With A High Conflict Person?

Being in a relationship with a high conflict person can be very difficult. You may come to a point where you’re unable to say or do anything without expecting an exaggerated reaction from them. 

However, is there a way to resolve conflicts in such relationships in a healthy, constructive way? There are some things you can try doing when attempting to peacefully resolve a conflict with your HC partner:

• Try to remain calm and not engage in any emotional confrontations with your partner. Reacting emotionally will make your partner probably do the same.The calmer you are, the more likely your partner will calm down as well. 
• High conflict people often blame others, so you try not to apologize while remaining respectful and calm. Your high conflict partner could take the “admission of guilt” as the necessary sign to reaffirm their opinion of you being at fault without assuaging their anger. 
• Being as brief as possible during your arguments with your high conflict partner may help. HCPs have the tendency to cling to words, and choosing your words and speaking briefly could help get your point across better.
• Try to understand your partner’s personality and stop blaming yourself for the potential faults in the relationship. 
• Finally, if you notice that you are not making progress in reaching your partner and communicating your opinions and feelings, reach out to a relationship coach who can help you resolve your difficulties. 

Tired Of Constant Conflicts? Join PIVOT & Try Healthy Relationship Workshop Activities 

Experiencing conflict in a relationship can cause you to become avoidant and to become afraid of openly speaking your mind with your partner, all in the hopes of staying as far away from potential conflict as possible. As difficult as it may be to actually face your partner and relationship problems, it might prove to be more helpful than sweeping your problems under the rug. Because they won’t just go away. 

However, sometimes even your best attempts at dealing with your partner’s high conflict personality seem to be fruitless. You may find yourself in a situation where it looks like there is nothing more you can do. Or may simply be too tired of constant conflicts and blame to even begin trying.

That is why we have founded PIVOT – to give you and your partner the help you need when you don’t see a way forward. Our relationship retreat workshops can help your partner and you learn how to function better, while your partner could learn how to deal with their high conflict personality at our individual coaching sessions. Our experienced advocates will help guide you through our process of resolving relationship problems. Reach out to us today and let’s start healing together.