Author: Lori Jean Glass

Humans are highly skilled at deceiving themselves. In fact, self-deception is one of our strongest defense mechanisms. We like to believe things that feel good to us and match our idea of ourselves, while we choose to ignore the less pleasing aspects of ourselves and our relationships with others. 

While dishonesty can cause a great deal of pain in relationships, it can cause even more harm if we direct it inward. But is this always true? Isn’t a little bit of self-deception necessary to lead a comfortable life? In this article, we attempt to answer the question of why we lie to ourselves and present some ways in which you can break through self-deception. 

If you are struggling to avoid the pitfalls of self-deception, overcome low self-esteem, or stop idealizing your relationships, remember that you are not alone. A romantic relationship building skills workshop can give you the resources and knowledge you need to better understand yourself and your survival patterns. Read on to learn how to get out of the clutches of self-deception. 

What Does It Mean When You Lie To Yourself?

There are endless reasons why we may choose to deceive ourselves. In fact, people can lie to themselves about practically anything, from finding excuses to fallacies in their thinking to ignoring toxic traits in their partners. Here are 3 common reasons why you may resort to self-deception: 

You Want Your Thoughts And Actions To Be Valid 

Most people want their feelings, beliefs, and actions to align. We have an inner drive for cognitive consistency, seeking harmony of our behaviors and attitudes. If we do or feel something that goes against our core principles or the idea we have about ourselves, we tend to feel uncomfortable. When we feel this mental discomfort, we are actually experiencing cognitive dissonance, which occurs when we express conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors. 

You May Be Trying To Avoid Change 

Sometimes, being truthful to yourself means accepting the fact that you need to make a significant change in your life. You may be in a toxic relationship or stuck in a job that doesn’t let you grow, being in denial even though you know deep down that you aren’t satisfied. Just keep in mind that the fear of change can slow down self-improvement and stop you from having new experiences and ideas as well as meeting new people. 

You Don’t Want To Feel Pain  

Another reason why you may be in denial is because you don’t want to rock the boat. If uncovering and accepting the truth means that you or someone else would get hurt, it’s only natural that you’d try and cover it up. While maintaining the status quo can be a good thing, you can only grow if you confront your fears and take risks. Even if that means making other people uncomfortable.

Is It Healthy To Lie To Yourself?

Although lying to yourself is more common than you realize, it can have a detrimental effect on your mental and physical health. This is primarily because you may remain in a situation which is far from ideal, stunting your own psychological growth and improvement. 

You may also start to ignore your own needs and harbor resentment towards your partner or other individuals in your life, which can bubble up to the surface in bouts of passive aggressiveness. In short, denying your own desires and deceiving yourself can only hold you back and prevent you from reaching your full potential. 

How Do You Know If You’re Lying To Yourself About A Relationship?

Detecting self-deception in romantic relationships can be challenging. We want our relationships with others to be ideal and will go to great lengths to paint a perfect picture of our partner and ourselves, ignoring the less appealing aspects of the relationship. 

Signs You’re Lying To Yourself 

But how can you tell that you’re deceiving yourself in a relationship? Here are some tell-tale signs: 

• Your mind is restless. If you keep thinking about your relationship over and over, trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, there’s a good chance that you’re being self-deceptive. 
• You constantly have to defend your partner. Do you feel like you have to justify your partner to your family or friends? You keep trying to find excuses for the less satisfying aspects of your relationship, losing so much of your time and energy in the process. 
• You won’t take advice from other people. While it’s true that you should follow your own path and make your own decisions, the people closest to you probably want what’s best for you, but you keep getting defensive if they criticize your relationship. 
• You are overly stressed in the relationship. A relationship should be a source of joy and comfort, not stress and anxiety. If you feel on edge most of the time you spend with your partner, you may be deceiving yourself big time. 

How To Stop Lying to Yourself 

While there’s no doubt that beating your self-deceptive dependencies will be hard, it’s far from impossible. Here’s what you can do: 

Find Your Courage At Our Couples Retreat Relationship Workshop

Whether you don’t want to admit that you’ve lost attraction to your partner or want to finally end an unhealthy relationship, you’ve come to the right place. At PIVOT, we strive to help individuals like yourself find the courage to accept the truth and start their journey toward self-improvement. 

We offer a wide range of expertise and knowledge-based couple workshops as well as transformative coaching sessions for individuals. Reach out to a PIVOT Advocate today! 

Losing attraction in a relationship can be completely frightening, as most people consider it the first sign of the romance fading. Sometimes the loss of attraction seems like it is because of the differences in sex drives between you and your partner, and all you need to do is communicate your problems to your partner clearly, and they should go away.

However, there are often times when the loss of attraction is only the surface of a larger problem. Perhaps your partner has been emotionally distant recently which, in turn, has made your self esteem low, causing you to struggle with attraction. Maybe your partner’s been dishonest with you, which prevents you from being able to physically connect with your partner. Or you’re lacking the necessary emotional support that would make you enjoy intimacy.

Whatever the underlying issues that have resulted in the loss of attraction between you and your partner, they need to be addressed. The best way to tackle them is always to turn to relationship intimacy coaching that can surely help you resolve any intimacy problems you have in your relationship. But, before that, let’s take a look at why you’ve lost attraction, and how you can regain it.

Is It Normal To Lose Attraction To Your Partner?

When a romantic relationship starts, there is usually a magnetic attraction to your partner. Everything feels new, every kiss is fresh and full of passion, every intimate encounter fiery, it seems as though the raw physical attraction will never disappear.

However, that kind of initial allure is, realistically, not sustainable in the long term. It is completely normal for the feelings for your partner to take on a form different than unhinged sensuality.

However, completely losing attraction to your partner is certainly not a desirable turn of events. You might have started taking the initial attraction for granted, thinking it would last forever. But relationships require work, even in the intimate department. 

That is why you should address loss of attraction to your partner. Sometimes, it’s something you can work on through considerate conversation, while other instances require emotional coaching. Depending on the cause of the lost attraction, the methods for resolving the problem differ.

What Causes Loss Of Attraction?

It can be very emotionally draining when you notice the spark’s beginning to fade. However, the first step in reigniting the old flame is to realize why you’ve lost attraction to your partner in the first place. Only once you become aware of the reason can you start working on the solution.

The best way to discover why the loss of attraction has happened is to consult an experienced emotional coach who can help you uncover what it is that made you start looking at your partner with different eyes. These are some of the most common reasons for losing attraction:

• Harbored anger – Holding on to resentment and anger can quickly turn to loss of attraction towards your partner. You should always communicate negative emotions clearly and calmly.
• Communication deterioration – Have you and your partner started talking more and more in practical terms, and less and less about meaningful or intimate topics? The lack of adequate communication can lead to loss of attraction.
• Failure to share activities – As your relationship lasts, you tend to fall into a routine and stop sharing new adventures with your partner. This lack of fresh activities can lead to you starting to lose attraction to your significant other.
• Letting go – Feeling comfortable in a relationship is great, but feeling overly comfortable to the point of starting to let go both physically and mentally is a quick way to a complete loss of intimacy between you and your partner.
• Loss of physical attraction – Sometimes, you can simply stop being physically attracted to your partner, and lose plenty of chemistry in the process. However, even such problems can be worked out.
• Boredom – Boredom can also cause loss of attraction. People tend to crave novelty, and once there isn’t any, and once the feeling of familiarity becomes all-encompassing, you can easily begin to lose attraction to your partner.
• Merged identities – When you first fall in love with someone, it is because of their unique traits. You should nurture that uniqueness in a relationship too. Don’t let you and your partner merge into one person – cherish your uniqueness so you can value being together.

Can You Love Someone And Not Be Sexually Attracted?

You can definitely love someone if you’re not physically attracted to them. Love and attraction are two separate things, and while it’s great when they go together, it’s not a complete deal breaker if the physical attraction is missing. 

Sometimes, it can take time for you to develop that kind of attraction towards the person you’re in love with. Focus on your emotional and mental connection first, and attraction will come as you build a stronger foundation for your relationship and as you progress your feelings for each other.

On the other hand, it’s also common for two people who love each other to lose physical attraction over time. This is not the end of the world and is entirely something you can work out with your partner. You just need to admit it, talk about it, and start resolving it.

You can always try emotional intimacy coaching sessions that are held by professional relationship coaches. These sessions can help you and your partner communicate your feelings, convey potential resentment, resolve all those problems and move past them and into a freshly-blossoming relationship.

Can You Regain Attraction For Someone?

Yes, you definitely can reignite the passion in your relationship. You can take care of some intimacy issues between you and your partner, while other problems require the help of professional coaches.

There are many ways you can try in order to regain attraction to someone. Many people think that once the attraction is gone, so is the love. But that’s rarely the case. Intimacy can also require work, and if you truly love someone you should do all you can to work it out.

Who Provides The Best Relationship Intimacy Coaching Sessions?

Losing attraction to your partner is extremely difficult, and it can make you question your entire relationship. Even when the love is still there, you can easily start doubting everything. However, it doesn’t have to be that grim, and you have to know there are ways to resolve intimacy problems in a relationship.

The best way to deal with the loss of attraction is to try relationship intimacy coaching. At PIVOT, we organize specialized relationship retreats and workshops, and we also arrange individual sessions with a team of seasoned relationship advocates. Reach out to us today and let us help your relationship thrive again.

It can be incredibly emotionally draining to deal with a dishonest partner. Yes, problems with self esteem can affect a relationship. A very codependent partner can also negatively influence the entire relationship. Jealousy can also quickly destroy relationships. However, nothing seems to be quite as emotionally damaging as experiencing dishonesty in a relationship you thought was built on trust. 

The first thing people usually have problems with is becoming aware that their partner is being dishonest. Denial is a large part of why dealing with dishonesty can be so traumatic. But even if you manage to spot dishonesty – how do you deal with it? What are the best ways to communicate with a partner who is not being truthful? How can you even think about building intimacy in a relationship if there is no honesty first?

There are techniques you can use to spot dishonesty, and there are ways to deal with the partner who is lying to you. Although it is always best to resort to professional help and consider emotional intimacy coaching, that doesn’t mean you can’t do a little to help yourself.

How Does Dishonesty Affect Relationships?

Being lied to hurts, and no amount of sorrys can take the lie back. Once your partner lies to you, it seems as though a whole mountain of doubts comes crashing down on you.

But that’s, unfortunately, not all. Dishonesty can erode a relationship in many ways. Not only do you feel miserable, but, once some time passes, you will inevitably start thinking about all the other things that dishonesty brings into the relationship.

1. The trust is gone – The only solid foundation for any relationship is trust. Without it, there’s little to fall back on, which is why dishonesty causes such big problems in relationships. 
2. Lying hurts – It doesn’t have to mean that the partner’s intention was to hurt you by telling a lie. Nevertheless, they did, because to find out that you’ve been lied to is never easy, and it nearly always causes emotional pain.
3. It shows disrespect – When your partner tells you the truth, no matter how difficult it may be for you to hear, they show they respect you enough to be honest with you. On the other hand, when your partner lies to you, it shows a serious lack of respect for you and your feelings.
4. Lying is selfish – When a partner is dishonest, it shows that they are not willing to take the blame for the greater good of the relationship. Instead of coming clean, taking the flak, and accepting responsibility, they lie in order to selfishly save their grace.
5. Lies breed lies – And in two ways. For one, dishonest partners, if their actions remain unaddressed, continue to be dishonest. Also, once you notice all the lies, you will start thinking that there is no reason for you to remain honest. Always try to work things out, but do not change the characteristics of your own personality to accommodate for your partner’s flaws.

Can A Small Lie Ruin A Relationship?

Truthfulness should always be the top priority in a relationship. Even if the truth is unpleasant, difficult to deal with, or plain painful, it’s better than a lie. Lies can affect relationships in many negative ways, no matter if they’re big or small. 

For individuals who were raised in an environment that was unsafe, for some, there is a pattern of not using their voice that is learned. This pattern can lead to not wanting to tell the truth if the truth is going to create conflict. Later in life, one little white lie can build on more.

Even when a lie is white and harmless, you can end up feeling bad simply because of the fact that your partner lied to you. Also, there can be other issues behind every lie, waiting to rear their heads. That is why you should always think carefully before being dishonest.

What Harmless Lies Can Ruin A Relationship?

Just because you or your partner perceive a lie as harmless, it certainly doesn’t have to turn out harmless. Every lie has a great potential to be detrimental to a relationship. Here are the five most common white lies that can cause serious rifts between you and your partner:

1. “I’m fine” – If there’s something wrong, if you are angry or sad, you should let your partner know. This can lead to a serious argument that can greatly affect the current state of your relationship.
2. “My credit score is OK” – Some of the biggest fights originate because of money. Although money should not play that large a role in relationships, it does, and not being honest about potential financial struggles can leave serious consequences.
3. “I haven’t texted my ex in a long time” – Lying about your ex is certainly a quick way to ruin a relationship. If you’ve heard from your ex, be honest and tell your partner about it. No point in hiding it, as when the truth inevitably comes out, it will have a much worse effect than if you had been honest in the first place.

What Are The 5 Signs That Someone Is Lying?

Even though individuals who tend to be frequently dishonest tend to think they don’t have a “tell” when they’re lying, the truth is there are some signs that point to the fact that the person is not telling the truth. Here are 5 signs that signal somebody is being dishonest with you:

1. They’re touching their throat, mouth, or face – If you notice that a person is excessively touching their body while talking with you, especially if they normally don’t do that, you could be listening to a lie.
2. They’re repeating themselves – If an individual, while speaking with you, begins to inexplicably stammer or repeat words and phrases, it shows they’re not sure of what to say next. While it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying – perhaps they’re just nervous, if they don’t behave that way normally, it’s a red flag. 
3. They make nervous pauses – If you ask a dishonest person a question, they will normally make a pause before giving you an answer, granting themselves the time to construct a dishonest reply. 
4. They’re looking at the door – If a person is uncomfortable in any given situation, their instincts start telling them they should leave. If you notice they are looking toward the door, it might mean they are desperate to escape the uncomfortable situation of lying to you. 
5. They’re not blinking – Blinking is a reflex, so if you notice that a person is maintaining eye contact with you without blinking, it can mean that they are such avid liars that they’re actually trying to fake truthful behavior.

How Do You Deal With A Liar In A Relationship?

Join PIVOT Emotional Intimacy Coaching & Nurture Your Relationship

It’s never easy being lied to. The emotional trauma of realizing your partner was dishonest is difficult to deal with on its own, and even more so if you want to salvage the relationship. Lying can be extremely damaging, but there are relationships that come out all the stronger out of it. However, if you truly want to work on it with your partner, you should consider reaching out to an experienced relationship advocate.

At PIVOT, we know just how emotionally traumatizing dealing with dishonesty can be, which is why we organize relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching sessions alongside our team of experienced advocates. Contact us today and let the healing begin.

Codependency refers to relationships which revolve around unhealthy helping dynamics. A codependent partner tends to struggle with low self-esteem, a lack of emotional control, self-blame, as well as setting healthy personal boundaries. All of these behavioral patterns can result in power struggles and imbalances in relationships and cause the individual to seek assistance in a codependent relationship retreat. 

But why do codependents struggle with control? Do they seek power even though it seems they are happy to relinquish control? 

In this article, we will explore the role of power and control in codependent relationships and try to understand why codependents struggle in this area. If you have a codependent individual in your life, struggle with codependency yourself, or simply want to learn more about the behavioral condition, read on. 

Are Codependents Controlling?

Although most relationships have more or less balanced power structures, codependent relationships are often characterized by severe feelings of powerlessness and deep urges to seize back that power. Such structures are a common codependency symptom, and is frequently encountered in relationships which feature a codependent/narcissistic dynamic.  

In fact, control is one of the defining characteristics of codependency, whether it has to do with controlling oneself or others. Since codependents struggle with empowering themselves and being assertive, they tend to seek control and power from external sources in order to feel good. A codependent may try to change others in order to find happiness, and feel helpless if their partner doesn’t appreciate the help. 

How Are Codependents Controlling?

While being controlling may not be the first characteristic you think of when you think of codependent individuals, the need to change, fix, or control other people is one of the primary symptoms of codependency. Here’s how it manifests. 

The Need To Feel Needed 

If you struggle with codependent traits, you might feel in control only if you feel like your partner or other people in your life need you. Noticing that your partner can do without you or that they don’t need your help to deal with their personal problems may cause you to feel powerless or helpless. 

Taking Responsibility For Others’ Feelings 

A codependent often feels like they have control over other people’s actions and feelings, while not being able to control their own. They tend to feel like their partner can’t resolve their own issues without their help, and will do everything in their power to seize control over the situation.

Controlling Through Enabling 

Enabling means doing for others what they can’t seem to do for themselves. For instance, if your partner is an addict, you may help them avoid the consequences of addiction or mental health issues and prolong the problem by doing so. This can also be seen as a form of control, because the addicted or mentally ill partner becomes fully dependent on the codependent individual. 

Why Do Codependents Need To Control?

Codependent individuals often grow up in settings with dysfunctional relationships to power. They were often emotionally and sometimes physically mistreated by their parents or caretakers. For some individuals, they may have been parentified at an early age.  Parentification is the process of a role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent or sibling. 

Causes Of Controlling Behaviors In Codependents 

In order to paint a clearer picture, here are some common causes of codependency and the need to control: 

• The family they grew up with was unpredictable and chaotic, without clear boundaries and control dynamics 
• They learned that people pleasing and accommodating others is the only way to feel loved and cared for 
• The dysfunctional relationships with power often harbor resentment and cause passive-aggressive and indirectly controlling behavior 
• They never learned how to be assertive and control their own lives, so they try to change or fix others in order to feel empowered 
• They may be afraid of their own, deeply buried power, so they believe they can only have their needs met if they are accommodating and indirect in relationships 

If you have codependent tendencies, the first step towards overcoming them is understanding that you should look inside, rather than outside to find strength and empower yourself. Control over others may make you feel better in the short term, but won’t get you closer to finding balance and happiness in your life. 

How Do I Control My Codependency?

Find Your Power In PIVOT Codependency Intensive Workshops 

Living in denial and lying to yourself may be tempting, but understanding your own codependency and working on overcoming it will give you the power and confidence you never knew you had. And with PIVOT on your side, you can find the strength you need to build healthier relationships and overcome codependent patterns. 

At PIVOT, we offer comprehensive retreats and workshops for codependents, as well as professional and insightful individual coaching sessions that will help you heal your core wound. Reach out to PIVOT today and find the support you seek. 

Idealization is an inevitable part of falling in love. During the initial relationship phases, when passion is at its peak, you are bound to see your partner in an exaggerated, idealized light. Unfortunately, this perfect image always fades, and the less pleasant aspects of the relationship rise up to the surface. 

But do some people tend to idealize more than others? Why do we idealize, anyway? How do you stop idealizing your partner if you are going through a love addiction withdrawal? In this article, we will focus on the concept of idealization and shed light on its purpose, causes, and effect in relationships. 

Why Do We Idealize?

Idealization is a psychological and biochemical process that happens when we create positive illusions about another person, exaggerating their virtues and ignoring their flaws. When we begin to fall in love, we tend to feel a strong tendency to idealize, seeing the love interest as a little bit more talented, beautiful, and charming than they may actually be. 

There are many reasons why we do this – some people idealize out of fear, not ready to face the fact that the person they’re obsessed with is not perfect. Others may idealize a past relationship because they want to validate their past decisions and strong feelings. 

What Happens To Your Brain When You Are In Love 

When we go through an infatuation stage in a relationship, a biochemical process happens in our brains. This process is quite similar to addiction and we can do very little in terms of controlling it. As different chemical substances are altered and generated in your brain, such as phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, you may experience some of the following symptoms during the infatuation stage: 

• Increased nervous excitement, followed by cold sweats and flushing
• Stomach tingling, shivers, palpitations 
• Extreme focus on the loved one 
• Increased feelings of dependency 
• A strong desire to be one with your partner 
• Heightened feelings of anxiety and euphoria  

Is Idealization A Defense Mechanism?

Exaggerating the virtues and minimizing the flaws of a person you’re interested in is perfectly normal at the start of a relationship. But did you know that you may be protecting yourself from ambivalent feelings towards the person? In psychoanalytic theory, idealization is seen as a defense mechanism that helps us navigate our confusing feelings and maintain a positive image of the people that matter to us. 

Idealization as a defense mechanism is often mentioned in relation to splitting. We tend to “split” when we fail to bring together both the negative and positive qualities of a person into a realistic whole – they are either all bad or all good, there is no middle ground. This black and white thinking process tends to start in childhood, when a child is unable to combine the bad and the good aspects of their parental figures, instead seeing them as either one or the other. 

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Throughout childhood and adolescence, idealization is a natural part of growing up. We tend to start with idealizing our parents, then our friends and partners as part of the separation process in our teenage and adolescent years. In adulthood, our tendency to idealize should start to wane, transforming into a more balanced and integrated sense of others and the self. 

But when it doesn’t get appropriately integrated during adulthood, idealization is often followed by a pattern of devaluation. This combination is known as the idealization and devaluation cycle and can be characteristic of different personality disorders and behavioral conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, codependency and pathological narcissism. 

How Is Idealization Related To Splitting? 

Individuals prone to idealization and devaluation are often also prone to splitting. They may view people in their life as either all good or all bad, idealizing them at first and then devaluing them by attributing exaggerated negative traits to them. 

For instance, if you were a target of a narcissist, they may subject you to excessive love bombing in the early stages of the relationship, and then devalue you using different manipulation tactics such as stonewalling, gaslighting, minimization, and so on. 

How Do I Stop Idealizing My Partners? 

Find The Balance You Seek At Our Relationship  Intensive Workshop 

Whether you are struggling with letting your guard down or need help dealing with past trauma, don’t be afraid to reach out and find the help you need and deserve. At PIVOT, we work with experienced relationship coaches who love helping couples and individuals find happiness and balance in their lives.  

We offer a great number of carefully crafted relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching designed to help you heal and better understand yourself and others. Get in touch with a PIVOT Advocate today!

Relationships are difficult. They require determination, honesty, and continuous communication in order to last. But what if your partner refuses to speak and cooperate with you, not wanting to deal with the issues present in the relationship? 

This is known as stonewalling, a behavior quite similar to the silent treatment that is often encountered in relationships and marriages. Stonewalling can be a cause or a result of intimacy problems in a relationship, preventing the couple from finding solutions and often causing frustration, pain, and bitterness. 

Keep reading to learn more about what stonewalling entails and how you can deal with a partner that keeps giving you the cold shoulder. 

What Does Stonewalling Someone Mean?

When a person is stonewalling, they tend to avoid engaging in any discussions or working together with you to reach a solution to a problem. They might remain completely silent while you attempt to address your concerns and tell them how you really feel in the relationship, causing you to feel frustrated, frantic, and entirely not heard. 

A stonewalling partner will dismiss your words as unreasonable, boring, nagging, or insignificant. It can make you feel like you have nothing important to say or that your words have zero value. Unfortunately, stonewalling is quite common in all kinds of relationships and may even present problems during couple counseling sessions. 

What Is Stonewalling In A Relationship?

When someone stonewalls you, there is a good chance that you would have a strong reaction. In fact, stonewalling is often quite easily noticeable in relationships, as it tends to result in intense arguments and expressions of frustration. On the other hand, there are times that stonewalling behaviors may go unnoticed, especially when neither of the two partners is particularly introspective and aware of their behaviors. 

Examples Of Stonewalling 

If you aren’t sure if your partner is stonewalling you or not, look out for the following signs: 

• Every serious conversation begins with you criticizing your partner while they ignore you 
• Your partner avoids getting into serious arguments by making up excuses or saying they are busy 
• Your partner likes to roll their eyes at your remarks and won’t make eye contact  
• You rarely hear your partner say anything when you argue
• When they do speak, they are either defensive or try to shift the blame to you 
• You get angry and agitated when your partner ignores you
• You sometimes experience physiological and physical symptoms while being stonewalled
• Your partner often makes fun of you and devalues your opinions 
• Your partner never accepts the blame for their behavior and refuses to admit that they are stonewalling you 

What If I Am Stonewalling My Partner? 

When you are on the receiving end of stonewalling, you are much more likely to notice the effects that this behavior has on you. But what if your partner is not the one refusing to cooperate? Here’s how you can tell if you have a tendency to stonewall: 

• You get defensive when your partner addresses a concern 
• You hate arguing and try to avoid conflicts in any way possible 
• You have a hard time admitting that you’re wrong 
• You never tell your partner how you actually feel 
• You are better at avoiding conflicts than finding solutions to problems 

Is Stonewalling A Form Of Gaslighting?

Stonewalling and gaslighting seem to be quite similar on the outside. Both are quite effective at preventing healthy communication between two partners, and both make the partner on the receiving end feel like they are not being valued and heard in the relationship. But while both gaslighting and stonewalling can cause a lot of pain, they are actually quite different in their intent. 

Stonewalling 

Stonewalling, on one hand, is actually a learned defensive mechanism, protecting the person using it from facing their intense feelings, albeit ineffectively. It is often common with individuals who fear commitment or those who grew up in an environment where expressing your feelings was seen as a shameful act.  

The person who stonewalls may simply be unable to express how they feel, whether it be fear of rejection, frustration, disappointment, or hurt. Instead, they shut down when their partner tries to start a serious topic. They might even feel like their partner doesn’t understand them and keeps criticizing them for everything they do. 

Gaslighting 

Gaslighting, on the other hand, has a purpose that is much more deliberate and offensive. In fact, gaslighting is a form of intentional emotional abuse which aims to manipulate the victim in addition to hurting them. It seeks to tear down the victim’s defenses and make them dependent on the abuser. So, although gaslighting includes many of the elements present in stonewalling, it is quite different from it in its intent.  

How Do You Deal With A Stonewalling Partner?

Build Emotional Intimacy With The Help Of PIVOT Coaching Experts

Dealing with relationship problems can take a great toll on your emotional wellbeing and happiness. If you and your partner can’t seem to find the solutions to your issues, don’t hesitate to reach out and find professional assistance. 

At PIVOT, we offer expert relationship advice to individuals and couples struggling with emotional intimacy. Our intensive workshops are designed to help you deepen your relationships and build trust with your partner. Reach out to PIVOT today! 

Codependents and narcissists seem to be a match made in heaven…or hell. While the codependent is typically passive, submissive, and focused on meeting the needs of others, the narcissist is controlling, selfish, and egotistical. But while codependents and narcissists are typically considered to be opposites, they actually share several psychological traits. 

So how do the codependents and narcissists relate to each other? What draws them together, their differences or underlying similarities? 

The picture is not so clear-cut, after all. Both narcissists and codependents exhibit a series of codependent symptoms that tend to cause intimacy issues in their relationships. If you or your partner struggle with codependency, you may find the solutions you seek by attending a codependency intensive retreat or speaking to a relationship coach online. 

Keep reading to learn more about the differences and similarities between narcissism and codependency. 

What Is The Difference Between Codependency And Narcissism?

While codependents tend to be seen as martyr-like, loyal, and sweet, narcissists are egotistical individuals who have a heightened sense of self-importance, believing they are unique or special. Although you may assume that two such people would be polar opposites, they may actually have more in common than you might think. Both narcissists and codependents share the following codependent characteristics: 

Can A Narcissist Be Codependent?

As we have already illustrated, narcissism and codependency can often overlap. One wants to feel important, while the other wants to feel needed. But the core shared characteristic here is their dependence on others for validation. Narcissists, in particular, need others to feel powerful and admired- they need to get their “narcissistic supply”. 

But can codependents be narcissistic? The answer to this question is a bit less clear-cut. In certain cases, the narcissist may use abusive tactics to manipulate their codependent partner into thinking they are, in fact, the narcissist, although that is far from being the truth. 

However, codependents may also have narcissistic tendencies that stem from their childhood, which they may display on certain occasions. This may make it quite difficult for them to decide whether they are codependent, narcissistic, or both. 

What Is A Codependent Narcissist?

Despite their outwardly displayed arrogance and exaggerated self-importance, narcissists have a deeply wounded, fragile core. They have strayed so far away from their real self that the only self-image they have is based on their ability to manipulate others into being dependent on them. But they, too, are highly dependent on others for their own self-worth. A narcissist with codependent traits has an insatiable need to feel respected, admired, or feared. 

What Attachment Style Do Narcissists Have?

Our personalities are largely shaped by our earliest relationships. This is the case with narcissists, too. In fact, the attachment style the narcissistic individual tends to differ between two main types of narcissists – vulnerable and grandiose: 

• Grandiose narcissists are typically entitled, arrogant, and pseudo-independent. Since their early years, they tend to display avoidant attachment patterns – they avoid intimacy, fear commitment, and act like they need nobody else but themselves. 
• Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are more likely to have an attachment style that is more anxious. They need constant reassurance in their relationships in order to feel good about themselves. 

Looking For A Codependency Retreat? Contact PIVOT Today 

If you are in a codependent relationship and want to make a positive change in your life, remember that you are not alone. Leaving an addictive relationship is far from easy, and finding proper support is the best course of action you can take. 

At PIVOT, we work with knowledgeable coaches to bring insightful relationship assistance for individuals and couples. Our expertly designed codependency workshops and retreats will give you the tools you need to make the right decisions for your emotional wellbeing. Reach out to us today!