Author: Lori Jean Glass

Love addiction, love avoidance, and love ambivalence are terms we use in the “self-help” category. In clinical psychology we use such terms as attachment disorder and erotomania (falsely believing that someone loves you when they don’t). Beneath these conditions are underlying disorders, which include depression, anxiety, and codependency. It gets quite confusing when we start to get a diagnosis for mood disorders and for challenging relationships. We have had many clients who come to Five Sisters Ranch and express that they feel they have been over-assessed and under-treated by the medical/treatment profession.

The attachment disorder is self-explanatory. It is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood. This results in problematic social expectations and behaviors. Such attachment styles result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, and abrupt separation from caregivers after about 6 months of age and before about three years of age. We find that many people carry this way of “attaching” into their adult relationships. The energy they grew up in becomes familiar and we tend to seek what we know.

In addition to the attachment disorder, love addicts and love avoidants often present with anxiety, depression, and shame. These mood disorders often present themselves before the love addiction is diagnosed, but most of the time they come in a cluster of symptoms and all three manifest at the same time. So it is not hard to see how and why many people are confused, feel hopeless, and navigate in and out of relationships with a lot of trauma and drama.

Using the concept of cause and effect, the attachment disorder and the other above-mentioned symptoms stem from what Eckhart Tolle’s calls the “pain body.” The original wound is usually some type of neglect or abuse. The original wound manifests in the body and gets activated as a “pain body” which Eckhart describes in The New Earth. Neglect leads to anxiety about being abandoned, and abuse leads to shame [from some form of incest] or the child blaming him or herself for everything that went wrong in the family of origin. All of these childhood issues lead to depression whether it is clinical or situational.

The original wound occurs when the insistent need for love of the infant or young child gets ignored for so long that it goes underground. It becomes unconscious. The child splits into two personalities—one is no longer conscious of the need for love and the child gets on with his or her life. The other personality, the one that is unconscious, remains dormant for a while and then reaches out for love through projection. For the love addict, he or she meets someone and they unconsciously project the old need for love onto the person. Unfortunately, this unconscious need for love is insatiable, uncontrolled and horribly insecure because it is the need of the infant and child, not the healthy need for love of the adult.

If it progresses, this insatiable need for love becomes love addiction. If the original wound is abuse leading to toxic shame, the child usually grows up and finds intimacy uncomfortable, so they evolve into love avoidants, or more often ambivalents.

Many wounded people usually present with a mood altering condition like love addiction or love avoidance and then the underlying issues of depression, anxiety and shame, but not always. There are many possible ways for all of these conditions to be presented to the psychotherapist. They can come up one at a time or all at once.

It is important to treat the underlying issues immediately when one is presenting with love addiction. The attachment style that is presenting in the addictive relationship, the avoidant behavior, or both (the ambivalent) will need to be understood and managed in order for someone with a history of trauma, attachment wounds, mood disorders and/or addiction to be in a healthy relationship. Learning to manage and tolerate the “pain” as it comes up in life – AND IT WILL – is crucial to success in relationships.

This is all a process – peeling back of layers of both the presenting issues and the underling personality disorders.

If you feel you are ready to take this step, to understand your pain body wound and repair and restore, Five Sisters Ranch is the place for you.

Undeniably the mind and body are connected and are more and more being understood as one bidirectional system. Therefore when anxiety, stress and trauma impact the mind they also directly influence a cascade of biological systems within the body.

Our bodies are adaptive and responsive to the messages that we receive, interpret and respond to. The sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response) is responsible for causing most of the physical symptoms associated with anxiety. It is key to survival from threats of danger. Once this system of our body is activated, it often stays active until some sort of influence from the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in to calm us down. If this does not happen then this “alarm” system stays active and can have a dramatic influence on hormones (cortisol), adrenaline, anxiety and depression.

There is a multitude of literature and research on the many biological systems of the body that respond to stress. One significant example is the observations of the nervous systems of children who have been abused. Children who have experienced abuse tend to be in a state of hyper-arousal. Their bodies are charged with fight-or-flight hormones (Cozolino, 2002).

Not surprisingly, it is more common that adults from traumatic backgrounds suffer from anxiety disorders, depression and relational issues. A study by Joyce et al. (2007) found that childhood abuse was associated with high cortisol levels in depressed adult survivors. The sense of danger, even if it is not current, lives on in the biological and emotional body.

It is clear that the caregiver shapes the development of the infants coping responses to stress and sets patterns for future relationships. Children who experience “glitches” in healthy early caregiver attachment often struggle with future relational challenges. Often this disrupted early attachment, even without overt trauma, can influence relational patterns (love addiction, love avoidance, codependency). This supports why it becomes crucial to work on the psychological and emotional levels to recognize and address “triggers” or as Eckhart Tolle coined “pain body”. Research supports that cognitive-behavioral type approaches and experiential therapy can positively interrupt these patterns.

Beyond talk therapy, experiential approaches can yield dramatic results. These approaches foster a sense of “the here and now”. Experiential therapy is considered a significant tool for emotional trauma. This approach goes beyond words and accesses parts of stored memory that are not linked to the left-brain language centers of the brain. Since trauma “memory” roots in the brains nonverbal regions, not easily accessible to the frontal lobe (executive functioning, reasoning, etc.), it makes good sense that experiential type approaches can have profound effects on anxiety, depression and attachment wounds in people with a history of trauma.

It is important to also understand that perceived threats can cause biological reactions similar to the literal bear-chasing-us-in-the-woods type event. Our adrenaline response kicks in when our body thinks it needs to run from that proverbial bear in the woods. Therefore, a therapeutic approaches that help individuals identify and repair skewed perceptions as well as those creating a “felt” sense of safety can have profound impact on a mis-wired “alarm system”.

Lifestyle changes can also have a profound effect on the stress response. Breathing techniques, having community, being creative, walking, nature, noticing your senses (smell, sound, color), and healthy eating, at regular intervals, are some examples of positive messages/re-enforcement to our mind-bodies. When we run on caffeine and no food we are telling our body to kick up adrenaline to keep us going. This is an example of a biological stressor that can have long term affects on our level of anxiety and ability to handle stress.
Managing our response to perceived stressors has been shown to have a more profound impact on our bodies then the actual hardships we may encounter. This concept is supported by a study published in The Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine that reported that perceived stress is more destructive to your immune system response than actual stress. Another reminder that while we may not have control over what stressors come our way in life, we do have a level of influence on our psychological resiliency, which is the ability to stay calm (mind-body) in the face of stress and maintain healthy relationships.

A personal issue like depression or anxiety is often inseparable from one’s relationship – or lack of one — with a partner. We might wonder, for example, whether Amy’s depression keeps her stuck in a reactive pattern with her partner.  Or is the painful, reactive cycle in her relationship the cause of her depression?  Like the chicken and the egg, it’s hard to separate.  Most likely both are true, meaning that her depression perpetuates her reactive responses with her partner, and their conflicts significantly contribute to Amy’s depression.

Let’s look at a more dramatic example of how relationship issues impact personal ones and vice versa, using the example of a fictitious couple named Kevin and Christine. Kevin’s attachment style tends to be more on the love-avoidant continuum.  He was raised by a single mother who looked to him for many of her emotional needs and, as a result, he felt smothered.  As a child, in order to self-soothe when he became deregulated by his mother’s neediness, he would escape to his room when he could and play with his model train set.  This helped him restore his emotional balance so he could engage with his mother again later.  As a youngster, it wasn’t feasible for him to alienate his mother because she was the only adult he had to rely on.  She also had many great qualities.

Moving over to Christine’s world, she was raised by parents who were kind and loving but often distracted, being preoccupied with their respective careers.  Christine was an only child and felt lonely much of the time.  When she was needy, her parents were only intermittently available and, from her perspective as a child, unpredictable. It was painful for her, not having a sibling or regular playmate and having to soothe herself when she didn’t have the skills to do so.  After several direct attempts to get her needs met by her parents, when they were preoccupied and unavailable, Christine would eventually give up trying to connect and would go to her room and cry.  As a result of her early experience, she lands more on the love addiction continuum.

Fast forward a couple of decades and both are young adults and partners.  They have some strengths as a couple and are troubled by their pattern when feelings get hurt. What seems to happen is that when they get into some conflict, Christine wants to process it immediately with Kevin.  Kevin gets overwhelmed by Christine’s strong emotion and wants to take a break and talk later.  When Kevin expresses his wish to stop the conversation, which at this point is unproductive anyway, Christine’s upset escalates and Kevin wants to run away even more.  Christine cannot understand why Kevin wants to stop talking.  She strongly believes that if he really loves her, he will stay and work it out at the time of the distress.  On a few particularly bad occasions, Christine gets so activated by Kevin’s attempts to take space that she blocks the exits out of the room they are in.  This terrifies Kevin who immediately concludes that they should end their relationship.   This sort of escalation can happen within minutes.  Kevin’s wanting to take space feels to Christine like the same unpredictability and abandonment she experienced as a child from her parents and her reaction goes from a zero to a ten in a matter of seconds.  Kevin, on the other hand, experiences Christine’s urgency to work it out immediately as smothering, and his fight, flight, flee response kicks in; all he can think about is getting away from her.

Kevin’s inability to tolerate his feelings when Christine gets upset is a personal challenge that effects his relationship.  This relationship re-activates his painful childhood experience.  At the same time, Christine’s inability to self-soothing when she doesn’t get resolution immediately is her personal challenge.  As with Kevin, this relationship re-activates her abandonment that she experienced as a child.
If Christine were to go to treatment for love addiction at Five Sisters Ranch, she would learn to connect the dots between her childhood pain and her current feelings.  She would be invited to take care of and soothe herself when she doesn’t get resolution right away.  She would leave the program with clarity about which individuals she can realistically count on to be there for her in times of distress.  Through her work at Five Sisters, her relational pattern would become explicit, and, with some new awareness, she would be able to make changes that would result in healthier relationships with herself and with Kevin.

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