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Separation in Relationship: What to Know and How to Cope

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Separation in relationship is a gut-wrenching crossroads, where the weight of what’s lost crashes into the uncertainty of what’s next. It’s the empty chair where your partner once sat, the quiet that replaces shared laughter, and the jarring shift from “we” to “me.” Whether you’re reeling from the end or the one pushing for it, the emotional toll is undeniable—grief, doubt, and fear of future intimacy tangle together, making every step feel heavy. Yet, you’re not alone in this; countless others have faced this storm and emerged stronger.

But here’s the hope: this doesn’t have to be the end. Relationships can heal—sometimes a couples intensive or honest effort can bridge the gap. And if not, there are healthy ways to let go, to rebuild yourself, and to find peace or even love again. In this article, we’ll dive into what separation really means, how to navigate its emotional maze, and the practical steps others have taken to mend what’s broken or move forward with grace—starting with rediscovering you.

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

Separating from your relationship means taking a break to reflect on the partnership and personal needs. It’s an emotionally tough step that can lead to reconciliation or signal the end, like a breakup or divorce. Yet, it also offers a chance for growth and clarity.

For example, a temporary separation might help partners tackle personal struggles—think stress or burnout—aiming to reunite stronger. On the flip side, a separation as a prelude to divorce often hints at deeper, unresolved issues.

Separation comes in different flavors:

  • Trial Separation: A structured, temporary split where partners live apart but stay legally married, often hoping to reconcile with clear rules like counseling.
  • Permanent Separation: An ongoing break, usually a step toward divorce, without rushing to legally end the marriage.
  • Legal Separation: A formal, court-backed setup where partners stay married but sort out assets, debts, and responsibilities.

Though challenging, going down this path can deliver a fresh perspective, letting the relationship reassess things calmly. It doubles as emotional breathing room, easing tension and sparking personal growth. It’s a rough road, but it can guide couples toward healthier futures.

What Are The Things To Consider Before Separating?

Sometimes, only one person wants to separate. It can be as simple as your spouse saying they need space. Or they may want a longer break from the emotional turmoil that has become your relationship.

You may be the one who’d like to take a break from the relationship. Perhaps you’re exhausted from holding your failing relationship together and need distance. If you’re thinking about separating from your partner, consider your options before you make a decision.

Here are six key things to weigh before deciding. Being on the same page with your partner about the terms of separation is crucial for mutual understanding and agreement on how to proceed.

6 Things To Consider Before Separation

Separation is a significant step with emotional and practical implications. Even if it feels necessary, it’s important to prepare for the challenges ahead. These six considerations can help you approach the process thoughtfully, protecting both you and everyone involved.

1. Understand Why You’re Going 

Be clear about your reasons for to go through with this. For instance, if constant arguments about finances are overwhelming, recognize that. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand if this is a temporary frustration or a deeper issue. Honestly evaluating your feelings and beliefs about the relationship will provide clarity and guide your decision, helping your partner understand your perspective.

2. Know Where You’re Going

Plan your logistics in advance. Decide who will move out and where you’ll stay, whether it’s with friends, family, or a rental. Make a list of shared responsibilities like bills and pet care, and discuss the details early to avoid conflicts. A clear plan reduces stress and keeps the focus on emotional healing.

3. Talk Everything Through

Have an honest conversation with your partner about your decision. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I need space to think.” Prepare key points in advance to stay calm and focused during the discussion. Establish guidelines for communication, including how to handle text messages, to ensure the process is constructive and does not lead to further complications or emotional turmoil. This approach fosters understanding and sets a respectful tone for the separation. 

4. Set The Rules

Establish clear boundaries for your separation, such as no dating others or regular check-ins. Consider writing them down together as an informal agreement to avoid misunderstandings. This structure helps both of you reflect without added stress and prevents mixed signals during the break.

5. Be Gentle

If you’re initiating the separation, be kind and empathetic. Acknowledge and respect your partner’s feelings and avoid blame. For example, say, “I know this is hard, and I’m sorry for the pain it causes.” Gentleness eases the emotional impact and keeps communication open.

6. Be Open To All Emotions

Expect a range of emotions, from relief to sadness. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Journaling or joining a support group can help you process these feelings and address any worry you may have, guiding your next steps. Embracing your emotions will clarify whether to reconcile or move forward separately.

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

If your partner brings up separation, brace for a wave of emotions. At first, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and struggle emotionally in that critical moment. You might face separation anxiety and a mix of tough, painful feelings before regaining your balance. But there are constructive ways to handle this—you can view it as a chance to grow and see your relationship differently.

7 Stages Of Separation

7 common stages of relationship separation infographic copyright lovetopivot.com

Although our emotional reactions are highly individual, there are some stages that most individuals go through after feeling stuck in their unwilling and unexpected relationship separation. All in all, there are seven common stages of separation, and it is crucial to make well-considered decisions rather than impulsively decided ones.

1. Denial

Denial is refusing to accept that your relationship is over, often clinging to familiar patterns. You might act as if the separation isn’t happening, hoping things will magically fix themselves.

  • Symptoms:
    • Avoiding breakup conversations.
    • Maintaining routines, like cooking for two.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal daily to gently face reality.
    • Confide in a trusted friend for support.

Alex couldn’t admit their marriage was over, leaving their partner’s clothes in the closet. Writing daily reflections helped them start accepting the change.

2. Anger

Anger brings intense frustration, often aimed at your ex or the situation. It can spill over, straining other relationships or clouding your judgment.

  • Symptoms:
    • Snapping at friends or family.
    • Feeling a constant edge of rage.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Channel energy into exercise, like running.
    • Express yourself through art or writing.

Sarah felt furious after her split, lashing out at friends. Joining a dance class turned her anger into energy, helping her regain calm.

3. Guilt

Guilt involves blaming yourself for the separation, obsessing over past mistakes. It can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the breakup alone.

  • Symptoms:
    • Replaying “what if” scenarios.
    • Feeling regret over past conflicts.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice self-kindness with affirmations.
    • Write a forgiving letter to yourself.

Jamie agonized over ending their relationship, thinking they’d failed. A self-forgiveness letter eased their burden over time.

4. Fear

Fear sparks anxiety about what lies ahead—being alone, financial struggles, or change. It can keep you up at night, amplifying uncertainty.

  • Symptoms:
    • Racing thoughts about the future.
    • Trouble sleeping or focusing.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Lean on friends or family for reassurance.
    • Plan one day at a time to feel in control.

Taylor panicked about living alone after separation. Talking with a friend and making a simple daily schedule eased their anxiety. 

5. Grief

Grief is the deep sadness of losing your shared life. It can hit hard, leaving you mourning the past and what might have been.

  • Symptoms:
    • Frequent crying or feeling empty.
    • Missing your partner’s presence.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal to process your emotions.
    • Join a support group to share the load.

Jordan missed their ex’s laughter, grieving late at night. Journaling those feelings helped them slowly work through the loss.

6. Re-invention

Re-invention is rediscovering yourself outside the relationship. It’s exciting but daunting as you explore new interests or goals.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling unsure about new ventures.
    • Excitement mixed with hesitation.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Set small goals, like trying a hobby.
    • Celebrate wins to build confidence.

Casey felt lost post-separation but took up gardening. Growing their first plants sparked a new sense of purpose. 

7. Acceptance

Acceptance means finding peace with the separation. You feel ready to embrace life again, with a lighter heart.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling calmer and more hopeful.
    • Readiness to move forward.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice mindfulness, like deep breathing.
    • Reflect on lessons learned.

Riley struggled for months but eventually felt okay. Daily breathing exercises helped them welcome a fresh start.

These stages aren’t linear—you might revisit some. Take your time, and you’ll find your way forward.

Frequently Asked Questions About Separation in Relationships

1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?

Separation means living apart, which can be temporary or permanent, while still legally married, offering a chance to reconcile. Divorce legally ends the marriage, making both parties single and able to remarry. This distinction helps clarify next steps, with separation often seen as a middle ground for reflection.

2. How long should a trial separation last?

Experts often suggest a trial separation lasts 3 to 6 months, giving both partners space to reflect and decide. Setting a clear end date and terms ensures clarity and prevents confusion, aligning with the need for structure during separation.

3. How to cope with separation when children are involved?

Prioritize children’s well-being by maintaining routines, co-parenting effectively, and seeking family therapy. Honest, age-appropriate communication helps children express feelings and adjust to changes, addressing a significant gap in the article not covering parental responsibilities.

4. Can separation save a relationship?

Yes, separation can save a relationship by providing space for reflection and growth, especially with counseling. Both partners must be committed, though success isn’t guaranteed and varies by situation, complementing the article’s mention of reconciliation without detailed outcomes.

Join our Relationship Intimacy Retreat Workshop to navigate separation with expert support

Separation hurts, even if the relationship or the marriage was not emotionally fulfilling. First, any kind of separation causes a whirlwind of various emotions that you first have to deal with before learning how to actually cope with your separation and finding ways to recover from all the separation-induced resentment.

Long story short, breaking up is rarely a pretty sight and an easy endeavor, and separating from your partner will take a toll on your life. However, what’s important to know is that it’s not the end and that you’ll start feeling satisfied again. If you notice you’re struggling to get there, you can rely on the certified professionals at PIVOT for assistance.

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We have assembled a team of caring, empathetic, and experienced relationship advocates who can help you deal with the aftermath of your separation at our individual workshops or maybe help you and your partner find common ground again at our couple retreat. Whatever your choice is, know that we’ll do everything in our power to help you.

How to Deal With Guilt in a Relationship

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

If you’re wondering how to deal with guilt in a relationship, know this—you’re not alone. So many of us have been there, caught in that quiet ache of feeling like we’ve let someone we love down. Picture this: you’ve been slammed with work lately, missing those cozy date nights or even just a few minutes to really connect with your partner. They might say it’s okay, but that nagging guilt still creeps in, whispering that you’re not doing enough. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? That kind of guilt can mess with your head and your heart, whether it’s sparked by something you did, a stray thought you can’t shake, or even the pressure of expectations from family or culture. But here’s the thing: guilt is a human thing, not a life sentence.

Guilt can feel heavy, but it’s often a gentle nudge from your heart, signaling when something you’ve done doesn’t align with your values—especially in relationships, where it can guide you to stay true to what matters. Yet, when guilt lingers too long, it can stir self-doubt and stress, straining your well-being and connections. If that hits home, you’re not alone, and understanding its roots is a brave step toward healing.

The good news? There’s hope in reach. Chatting with a relationship coach, trying out a workshop, opening up honestly, or just sitting with your thoughts can lighten the load. Stick with us—we’ll dig deeper into guilt and uncover ways to move forward together.

What Causes Feelings Of Guilt?

Guilt can creep up on you for a whole range of reasons, some of which are perfectly rational. Many individuals experience guilt when considering leaving a relationship, reflecting on societal expectations, and personal emotions. They may feel they do not deserve compassion and understanding, leading to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Others, not so much. Worry, especially in the context of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), can generate feelings of guilt and negative thoughts, which are natural responses that should be recognized and not punished. Studies suggest some feel overly responsible for their partner’s problems, a type of guilt linked to attachment issues.

Rational Guilt 

Rational guilt arises when you feel like you’ve done something wrong, that is, you’ve violated your own values and are going against your moral compass, causing you to feel ashamed of your actions. For example, you may feel guilt because you have: 

  • Hurt someone.
  • Cheated.
  • Lied.
  • Otherwise broken your own moral code.

This form of guilt helps you regulate your social behavior and keep you on the right track toward achieving your goals. Nevertheless, even rational guilt can eat away at you, especially if you struggle with changing your behaviors. 

Irrational Guilt 

Irrational guilt is a different animal. It tends to come from our “shoulds”, that is, the rules we impose on ourselves. For instance, you may feel irrational guilt for: 

  • Mistakenly assuming responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviors. 
  • Feeling like you are a burden to your loved ones. 
  • Feeling like you haven’t done enough to make people happy. 
  • Feeling like you’re not doing anything meaningful in your life. 
What Are The Signs Of Guilt

Of course, these are just a couple of examples of irrational guilt. You may feel guilt for a wide variety of different reasons unique to you. However, no matter the cause, feeling guilty for irrational reasons can impact your mood, reduce your productivity and concentration, damage your relationships and actions in numerous ways.

It is important to be aware of negative self-talk and behavior patterns that contribute to irrational guilt. Practicing self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and patience you would offer a friend can help mitigate these feelings.

The difficult thing about irrational guilt is that it can easily disguise itself as rational guilt. After all, who says that it’s irrational to feel guilty about not spending enough time with your family? Or to feel guilty because you’re not taking enough opportunities in your life because of your perceived laziness? The thing is, this sort of reasoning often comes from an underlying anxiety or thoughts that you imported without reflection. If left to linger, irrational guilt can nag at you, regardless of what you actually do. In a sense, it tends to become even more irrational over time.

What Are The Signs Of Guilt?

Guilt can result in a variety of physical, social, and emotional symptoms that influence your daily actions. Some of these may include the following: 

  • Sleep disturbances
  • Stomach and digestion problems 
  • Muscle tension
  • Heightened sensitivity to the effects of your actions
  • Feeling overwhelmed by decision making 
  • An extreme tendency to put others’ needs before your own 
  • Low self-esteem 
  • A persistent tendency to avoid uncomfortable emotions 

How Guilt Can Ruin A Relationship

Excessive guilt can have a detrimental effect on your romantic relationships. Ask yourself how many things in your life do you do out of guilt and obligation? Or out of fear that you may be losing your partner? You may feel bad due to guilt-tripping within your relationship, where one person uses guilt to manipulate the other, leading to resentment over time. Evidence indicates guilt can strain bonds when used to manipulate, such as through exaggerated hurt.

You may go along with what your partner wants (or what you think they want) because you fear they may find someone better and leave you. Or you might fear being judged by your partner’s family and friends, so you try to impress them. As you can see, guilt and fear often go hand in hand. Together, they may cause feelings of uneasiness in your relationship, make it harder for you to open up, and cause feelings of resentment. This can significantly impact your partner’s feelings, as they may sense your internal struggle and feel hurt by your actions.

In romantic relationships, guilt often ties directly to core elements like trust, communication, and intimacy, amplifying its destructive potential:

  • Trust: When one partner feels guilty, they might start to feel unworthy, which can erode their self-esteem and make them doubt their value in the relationship. Meanwhile, the other partner might struggle to forgive or let go of past mistakes, leading to a cycle of mistrust.
  • Communication: Guilt can cause withdrawal or excessive apologies, creating barriers to honest dialogue. A partner might avoid discussing their feelings out of fear of burdening the other, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
  • Intimacy: Emotional guilt can reduce both physical and emotional closeness. A guilty partner might pull away, while the other feels rejected, creating a gap that’s hard to bridge.

Evaluate the ways in which you respond to feelings of guilt – you may find that it controls your life far more than you thought, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. By understanding these specific impacts, you can better address guilt in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than letting it fester.

How Do You Deal With Guilt In A Relationship With Self Compassion?

It can be quite hard to let go of persistent relationship patterns, especially when they are fueled by guilt. Still, you can learn to handle excessive guilt and overcome its effects. Here are some guidelines: 

  • Develop better self-regulation skills and take action if you feel that your guilt is justified. 
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation to put your guilt into perspective. 
  • Don’t be too hard on yourself and learn forgiveness. 
  • Learn from your guilt and your mistakes. 
  • Keep your perfectionism in check and remember that your perspective may be skewed by your high expectations.
  • Prioritize self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, in a similar way to how you would treat a close friend or family member.
  • Release guilt by practicing self-forgiveness and focusing on emotional well-being. Engaging in activities like volunteering can transform negative feelings into positive emotions, ultimately enhancing your mood and providing a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Understanding Guilt in Your Relationship

Guilt often stems from unmet expectations or perceived mistakes in a relationship. Recognizing its source—whether it’s something you did or a dynamic you can’t control—helps you address it constructively rather than letting it fester.

Practical Strategies to Manage Guilt

Beyond mindfulness, try specific actions like journaling to process your feelings or having an honest conversation with your partner to rebuild trust. Small, intentional steps can shift guilt into growth. Studies show understanding your partner’s view can ease guilt and improve communication.

Why Empathy and Self-Compassion Matter

Treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one is key to breaking guilt’s hold. Self-compassion doesn’t erase responsibility—it empowers you to move forward with clarity and emotional balance.

Speak with a relationship coach and discuss your guilt in depth to not only gain a new perspective, but also a plan of action that is unique to your personal story. Seeking professional help is crucial when feelings of guilt become overwhelming and negatively affect your daily life. Therapeutic tools can provide support for processing emotions and coping with guilt.

Frequently Asked Questions About Guilt in Relationships

1. What are the common causes of guilt in relationships?

Guilt often arises from actions like lying or neglecting your partner’s needs, or from irrational thoughts, such as feeling you’re not good enough. It can also stem from external pressures, like family expectations. Understanding these triggers can help you address guilt constructively.

2. How does guilt impact my relationship?

Guilt can distance you from your partner, block open communication, and lessen intimacy. It may cause withdrawal or excessive apologies, fostering resentment and weakening trust. Addressing it early can rebuild and sustain connection.

3. How can I stop feeling guilty in my relationship?

Identify if your guilt is rational or irrational. For rational guilt, apologize sincerely and take action to make amends. For irrational guilt, practice self-compassion, challenge negative thoughts, and discuss your feelings with your partner to rebuild trust and connection.

4. What is guilt tripping, and how can I deal with it?

Guilt tripping is when someone manipulates you by inducing guilt, like using silent treatment. Address it by setting boundaries, calmly discussing the behavior, and seeking support if it persists. Open communication can help break the cycle.

5. When should I seek professional help for guilt in my relationship?

If guilt feels overwhelming, persistent, or disrupts your daily life and relationship, a therapist or relationship coach can offer tailored strategies to manage it and strengthen your connection. Professional support can be a game-changer.

Take the Next Step to Heal Guilt in Your Relationship With PIVOT

How Guilt Can Ruin A Relationship

Feeling overwhelmed by guilt in your relationship? You’re not alone, and you don’t have to face it by yourself. At PIVOT, our compassionate relationship coaches help you understand and release guilt, guiding you toward healthier communication, renewed trust, and deeper connection with your partner. Whether through Personalized Coaching for tailored support or our Relationship Retreats to build lasting emotional skills, PIVOT offers the tools you need to move forward. Start Your Healing Journey with PIVOT today and rediscover the joy in your relationship.

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The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling: Impact and Solutions

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone you love, only to be met with cold, unyielding silence? That crushing moment when your words vanish into a void is stonewalling, and the emotional effects of stonewalling can leave you feeling rejected, alone, and unheard. Conflicts, from minor disagreements to major disputes, are a natural part of human relationships, shaping our stories and interactions.

Yet, conflicts can strengthen bonds when resolved with care. Every resolved dispute builds trust and resilience, making relationships worth fighting for. But when one person stonewalls, shutting down instead of engaging, it halts this process, leaving emotional wounds that can linger.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Both partners must work together to resolve conflicts. When one side withdraws completely, stonewalling not only blocks solutions but also deepens feelings of frustration and pain. Understanding its impact is the first step toward healing.

What Does Stonewalling Behavior Mean?

Stonewalling is a communication tactic where one person (“stonewaller”) completely withdraws from a situation or a conversation, creating a metaphorical “stone wall” between them and the person trying to communicate. This type of behavior isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships alone. Rather, it can occur in friendships, as well as professional and parent-child relationships, too.

While it may seem like a simple coping mechanism, aimed at avoiding conflict and difficult feelings, stonewalling can have severe emotional consequences for the recipient, leading to the question of if stonewalling is gaslighting. Emotional awareness is key in identifying and addressing these issues early. Over time, it can erode mutual trust and destroy the emotional bond that holds the relationship together. Intentional stonewalling, used as a manipulative behavior, can exert power and control over a partner, resulting in emotional abuse and neglect.

Finally, it is important to note that stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is employed consciously to manipulate, belittle, or humiliate the recipient. For this reason, and the fact that stonewalling is detrimental to everyone involved, it is important to understand its implications, as well as to seek support and help, preferably from a professional relationship coach or counselor, or trusted friends and family members.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Stonewalling In Romantic Relationships?

Without exaggeration, we can say that the emotional consequences of stonewalling can be devastating, both for the recipient and the relationship as a whole. It can make the person on the receiving end feel like their thoughts and feelings simply don’t matter. Like the effort and dedication they put in to connect with their partner and better the relationship is worth nothing, ultimately damaging the emotional connection.

Needless to say, this type of emotional withdrawal can leave a person feeling lonely, rejected, and invalidated. Over time, these feelings can lead to a full breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy which, in turn, can cause feelings of resentment and disconnection toward the stonewaller.

Additionally, when one partner withdraws from a conversation, it does nothing to help resolve the issue. Instead, it leaves the other feeling frustrated and unheard, which only causes increased tension and leads to more arguments, therefore escalating the conflict. Introducing meaningful conversation is crucial to address these challenges effectively.

This causes communication breakdowns where both individuals struggle to effectively express themselves, their needs, and their emotions, yet aren’t able to find any common ground. Ultimately, pent-up anger and frustration may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship which can (and often does) end up in a breakup, especially if the issue is left unattended.

couple experiencing effects of stonewalling

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Stonewalling can be a subtle weapon in gaslighting. When someone shuts down communication—like ignoring your texts during an argument—and later denies the issue even existed, it’s a double blow that leaves you questioning your reality. This overlap makes both tactics especially disorienting.

The emotional toll is heavy: stonewalling breeds frustration and helplessness, while gaslighting sows confusion and self-doubt. Together, they can erode trust and make you feel unheard or unstable. For example, imagine asking, “Why didn’t you respond?” only to hear, “I never saw your message,” despite clear evidence otherwise.

Quick Coping Tips

  • Set Boundaries: Calmly state your needs (e.g., “I need us to talk about this”).
  • Use ‘I’ Statements: Say “I feel ignored” to express yourself without escalating tension.
  • Seek Support: Talk to a friend or therapist to regain perspective.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: Key Differences and Overlaps

AspectStonewallingGaslightingOverlap
DefinitionWithdrawing from communicationManipulating someone’s sense of realityStonewalling can be used to gaslight
Emotional ImpactFrustration, helplessnessConfusion, self-doubt, loss of trustBoth erode trust and cause distress
ExampleIgnoring texts during an argumentDenying a conversation ever happenedStonewalling followed by denial

What Are The Emotional Effects Of Stonewalling?

Illustration of the emotional effects of stonewalling in relationships

The emotional effects of stonewalling can be profound and long-lasting, affecting different types of relationships in various ways:

  • In romantic relationships, when a partner withdraws, stonewalling can cause feelings of emotional isolation and disconnection. It can erode the trust and emotional connections between partners, creating a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction, which can ultimately lead to a breakup. Picture your partner shutting down mid-argument, refusing to respond as you plead for connection—this silence stings like rejection. For someone anxiously attached, the emotional effects of stonewalling can spark fears of being abandoned, deepening the hurt, and making them feel overwhelmed.
  • In parent-child relationships, stonewalling can create a sense of confusion and insecurity in the child. They may feel unheard, invalidated, unloved, and even insignificant. This can leave lasting emotional scars on the child’s psyche, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships in the future. Imagine a child asking why their parent is upset, only to get a blank stare in return—it’s like they’re invisible. If they crave closeness, this disconnection can feel overwhelming, planting seeds of self-doubt.
  • In friendships, stonewalling can create a sense of rejection and hurt, leaving the other person feeling excluded and unimportant. It can also trigger past traumas and emotional wounds, leading to further distress and emotional pain. Think of texting a friend about a falling-out, only to be ignored for days—it’s a gut punch of exclusion. For those with an avoidant attachment style, the emotional effects of stonewalling might push them to withdraw further, masking their own pain.
  • In professional relationships, stonewalling can lead to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and a lack of trust among colleagues, which can create a toxic work environment that cripples productivity and morale. Additionally, it can also prevent the resolution of conflicts and hinder problem-solving, leading to negative impacts on job performance and career advancement opportunities. Picture a coworker dodging your emails about a project dispute, leaving you in the dark—it breeds frustration and distrust. Even secure types might feel unsettled, as the silence disrupts teamwork and clarity.

It is crucial to note that stonewalling can leave lasting consequences to the recipient’s mental health, including persistent self-doubt and low self-esteem. In addition, it can exacerbate existing mental health conditions and, in some cases, cause the formation of various psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). The emotional toll of stonewalling is significant, leading to feelings of disrespect, loneliness, and emotional pain, which can ultimately damage the relationship beyond repair.

The following table summarizes how stonewalling impacts emotions across different relationships, highlighting its far-reaching effects:

Relationship TypeEmotional Effects of Stonewalling
RomanticIsolation, trust erosion, potential breakup
Parent-ChildConfusion, insecurity, feeling unheard, lasting scars
FriendshipsRejection, hurt, exclusion, triggers past traumas
ProfessionalCommunication breakdowns, toxic environment, frustration

Beyond the Silence: Key Questions on Stonewalling’s Emotional Impact

1. How does stonewalling impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?

Stonewalling blocks open communication, reducing emotional intimacy and trust. Partners may feel isolated, weakening their connection over time.

2. Why are men more likely to stonewall, and what does this mean for couples?

Research suggests that men may stonewall as a way to cope with emotional overwhelm, often due to differences in how they process emotions. A UC Berkeley study found that this behavior can lead to physical health issues, like back pain, particularly in men. This not only strains relationships emotionally—by shutting down communication—but can also take a physical toll on the stonewaller, adding complexity to the couple’s dynamic.

3. Can stonewalling be considered emotional abuse?

Yes, when used intentionally to control or punish, stonewalling becomes abusive, causing distress and feelings of invalidation.

4. How can couples heal from the emotional damage of stonewalling?

Healing involves open communication and therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, to rebuild trust and learn healthier conflict resolution.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Emotional Effects of Stonewalling

Attachment theory reveals how early relationships influence our responses to stonewalling. Each style—anxious, avoidant, ambivalent, or secure—shapes how we react to this behavior. Understanding your attachment style offers clarity for navigating these moments.

  • Anxious Attachment: Feels deep rejection and abandonment fears when stonewalled. May respond with anxiety, seeking reassurance or clinging.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Stonewalls to shield from emotional overwhelm. Still feels disconnection despite the self-protective silence.
  • Ambivalent Attachment: Swings between craving closeness and withdrawing. Feels confused or frustrated by stonewalling, unsure how to react.
  • Secure Attachment: Finds stonewalling disruptive but handles it with communication. May address it directly or explore its cause.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Solutions for Stonewalling’s Emotional Effects

Stonewalling can feel like a wall between you and someone you care about, but there are ways to break through. Here are practical steps to address its emotional toll and rebuild connection:

  • Pause and Take Breaks: When emotions run high, agree to pause the conversation. Use a signal, like raising hands, and take a 20-minute break to cool off. This helps both of you return with clearer minds.
  • Practice Self-Soothing: Try deep breathing—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6—to calm stress. Visualizing a peaceful place can also ease the urge to shut down.
  • Enhance Communication: Listen actively by repeating back what your partner says to show understanding. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when we don’t talk,” to express feelings without blame.
  • Create a Safe Space: Set a weekly time for open, calm talks where both agree to listen without judgment. This reduces fear and encourages honest dialogue.

Start Healing from Stonewalling with PIVOT Today

Stonewalling can leave you feeling isolated and unheard, but you don’t have to face it alone. At PIVOT, our Glass House retreat offers a serene escape to focus on rebuilding trust and connection. Guided by certified relationship coaches, our therapeutic process helps you heal trauma, identify unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling, and build a clear path to lasting, healthy communication skills.

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Take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Contact PIVOT today for a consultation and discover how our tailored programs can transform your relationships.

When Should You Walk Away From Your Marriage?

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Knowing when to walk away from a marriage can feel like staring into a mirror you no longer recognize—seeing the sadness in your own eyes yet still hoping the reflection will change. You’ve swallowed doubts, buried anger, and whispered to yourself that “things will get better,” only to watch those worries resurface in every tough conversation.

Now the mirror won’t let you look away. You sense the decision looming, replaying what-ifs about whether this love could have been saved while simultaneously feeling the knot in your stomach tighten at the thought of divorce. When you reach the end of that emotional rope, the tug of reality can be as painful as it is clarifying.

Deciding to end a marriage is profoundly challenging, but understanding the relationship dynamics at play—abuse, chronic disrespect, or simply two paths that no longer converge—protects both your mental health and your family’s future. The sections below break down clear warning signs, reflective questions, and actionable next steps to help you choose a path that safeguards your well-being.

Quick Safety Check: Leave Immediately If…

Non-Negotiables

  • Any form of physical, sexual, or severe verbal abuse
  • Threats to you, your children, or pets
  • Unchecked addiction that endangers the household
  • Criminal activity that puts you at legal or financial risk
  • Coercive control (tracking devices, isolation from friends, financial lock-down)

Recognizing When to Walk Away from a Marriage

Person reflecting on whether to leave a relationship

There really isn’t one occasion where you say OK, it’s over now, pick up your things, pack your bags and walk away. Love and marriage don’t work that way except in cases of physical or emotional violence, when it’s vital to find protection and assistance as soon as possible.

In most marriages, discontent creeps into your daily life without you or your spouse even noticing, causing small dings in your relationship to become cracks and allowing those cracks to develop into ravines that prevent you from finding common ground. And then, one day, you fall into the never-ending hole of spiraling unhappiness, not being able to remember the last time you smiled.

This can be the point of you having enough of it and deciding it’s time to end it. Also, there are more signs that can point to the fact that it’s time to keep walking in the opposite direction of your marriage:

  1. Contempt or harsh criticism replaces respect and affection. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, and put-downs become the norm.
  2. Repeated infidelity or other major betrayals have shattered trust, and your partner shows no sustained transparency or remorse.
  3. Stonewalling—one partner shuts down every serious talk or simply refuses to engage.
  4. Chronic loneliness: you feel single inside the relationship and rarely share meaningful moments or quality time.
  5. Fundamental value clash on parenting, money, or lifestyle goals that neither of you is willing to bridge.
  6. One-sided effort: you’re the only one making compromises, carrying responsibilities, or nurturing the relationship.
  7. Self-focused or toxic behavior—selfish choices, lack of appreciation, or ongoing emotional manipulation.
  8. Recurring, unresolved conflicts that circle back again and again without true resolution.
  9. Loss of intimacy and excitement—physical connection is absent or purely mechanical, and emotional closeness has faded.
  10. Refusal to seek help: your partner dismisses counseling, mediation, or any structured attempt to repair the marriage.

Additional indicators that it may be time to walk away from a marriage include persistent feelings of unhappiness, emotional detachment, and recurring unresolved conflicts. Recognizing these signs is essential for making informed decisions about your relationship’s future.

What Is A Walkaway Wife/Husband?

A walkaway spouse is a partner—often but not always a wife—who appears to leave “out of the blue” after months or years of feeling ignored, unheard, or chronically unhappy. Research shows roughly two-thirds of U.S. divorces are initiated by women, many of whom say they asked for change repeatedly before finally detaching and filing for divorce.

Why it matters: The walkaway dynamic is the end stage of emotional disconnection. Recognizing the early cues below can give both partners a chance to address issues before someone silently checks out.

Early Cues Your Partner Is Quietly Checking Out

These subtle signs often surface months—or years—before the decisive red flags above.

  • Complaints disappear. Silence replaces feedback because they no longer expect change.
  • Conversations shrink to logistics. School pickups and bills dominate; meaningful topics and laughter fade.
  • Courtesy without care. Polite but cool; eye-rolls slip through even when they say “I’m fine.”
  • Children or work become the focus. Emotional energy pours into parenting, job, or hobbies.
  • Passion feels pencilled in. Sex happens occasionally but affectionate spontaneity is rare.
  • Feelings stay under lock and key. “Fine” replaces sharing hopes and fears.
  • Joint rituals go solo. Coffee, walks, and TV binges now happen alone—parallel lives forming.
  • Life reroutes elsewhere. More nights with friends or behind separate screens hint their emotional world exists outside the marriage.

If several of these cues are present, your relationship may already be in the walkaway phase—one crisis or lawyer consultation away from a permanent split.

At What Point Do You Walk Away From A Marriage

Advanced Signs That Your Spouse Is Preparing to Leave

As emotional disconnection deepens, spouses may exhibit more overt, practical behaviors indicating they’re actively preparing to leave the marriage.

SignDescription
Increased Time AwaySpending more time away from home or with friends and family without the partner, seeking fulfillment outside the marriage.
Personal IndependenceEngaging in new hobbies, changing appearance, or investing in self-care, signaling a desire to reclaim identity separate from the marriage.
Financial SeparationSetting up separate bank accounts, hiding financial information, or showing sudden interest in family finances, often as preparation for a split.
Emotional DetachmentShowing little interest in your life, avoiding deep conversations, and appearing indifferent to relationship issues.
Rejecting ReconciliationBeing unresponsive or dismissive when you suggest counseling or addressing problems, believing it’s too late.
Making Solo PlansPlanning future activities like career changes, travel, or living arrangements that exclude you, envisioning a life apart.

FAQ: When to Walk Away From a Marriage

Is it better to stay for the kids?

Research shows children fare best in low-conflict homes. Chronic hostility or silent standoffs can harm them more than an amicable split.

How long should I try counseling before leaving?

Many therapists suggest 3-6 months of consistent effort. If only one partner shows up emotionally, that’s data, too.

Can a marriage survive infidelity?

Yes—if the unfaithful partner ends the affair, takes responsibility, and you both commit to therapy. When deception continues, recovery is unlikely.

What if my spouse refuses therapy?

Go alone. Individual counseling clarifies your needs and boundaries, and often prompts the other partner to re-engage.

What Are Good Reasons To Leave A Relationship?

Deciding when to leave a marriage or relationship is deeply personal. What feels like a breaking point for one person—like constant silence or disrespect—might be something another can tolerate. There’s no universal “leave now” rule, but certain signs can help you decide if it’s time to walk away.

Emotional Disconnection

  • Example: You share your day, but your partner barely looks up from their phone. Day after day, you feel more like roommates than a couple.
  • What It Means: If emotional closeness has faded and efforts to reconnect fail, it might signal a gap too wide to bridge.

Lack of Respect or Trust

  • Example: Your partner mocks your opinions in front of others or breaks promises without apology.
  • What It Means: Respect and trust are the backbone of any relationship. When they’re gone, staying can chip away at your self-worth.

Irreconcilable Differences

  • Example: You want kids, but your partner doesn’t—or you clash over money with no compromise in sight.
  • What It Means: Some differences can’t be resolved, and forcing it might lead to years of unhappiness.

Communication breakdowns can worsen these issues, turning small problems into lasting patterns. If your partner won’t talk—or listen—it’s hard to build a future together.

Trust Your Inner Voice

Your feelings are your guide. If you’ve felt unloved, unheard, or stuck for a long time, pay attention. Reflect on what your heart and intuition are telling you—they’re often right, even when the truth is hard to face.

What Are Good Reasons To Leave A Relationship

PIVOT: Your Guide to Navigating Divorce and Finding Yourself Again

Barring extreme cases, walking out on your marriage is tough, even if you’ve wanted to do so for a long time. First, there’s divorce anxiety you have to cope with, which isn’t easy, and there’s also the difficulty with attempting to remarry after your divorce down the line, especially if your dissolution has managed to alter your attachment style significantly. It’s important to consider whether leaving is the right decision, as the complex emotions surrounding such a choice can be overwhelming.

And this is all if you’re experiencing a remotely healthy divorce without delving deeper into the potential problems that happen when ending physically or emotionally abusive relationships. Determining when to walk away from a marriage is a deeply personal decision. If you’re facing this crossroads, consider seeking professional guidance to navigate the complexities of separation and ensure your well-being.

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Deciding when to walk away from a marriage is deeply personal, and the path forward can feel uncertain—whether you’re facing , challenges with , or shifts in your life. If you’re at this crossroads, PIVOT is here to help. Our expert coaches and Glass House retreat center offer personalized support to guide you through divorce, heal, and start anew. Don’t face this alone—contact us today.

Why Am I Attracted To Unavailable People: How To Break The Pattern

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Most people desire things that are out of their reach, and it’s no different with romantic relationships. People who are unattainable often spark others’ interest. They’re hard to get and many people enjoy the chase. This attraction may even verge on obsession because the chase gets more and more intensified the more the object of your affection slips away, making breaking this pattern even more challenging.

An unavailable person may exhibit love avoidant characteristics, they could be in a relationship, or they might not be interested in pursuing a committed relationship at all. Either way, being attracted to someone you can’t have can be deeply hurtful, especially if this is a repeating cycle. Therefore, it’s important to discover why you are attracted to unavailable people, and how to break the pattern.

Does Being Unavailable Make You More Attractive?

Do you find yourself longing for people who slip out of your grasp? Are you more intensely drawn in the more they pull away, attracting you even more? Do you crave deep intimacy but settle for emotional unavailability in a relationship? This is more common than you may think.

While not everyone will experience this, some people consistently gravitate toward those who aren’t interested in their romantic advances. They keep pursuing the same kind of partner, despite knowing that the chances of an actual relationship are slim.

This causes us to wonder if being aloof or unavailable makes one more attractive. Some may even take advantage of this by making themselves appear unavailable in a game of hot and cold.

How Do You Know A Person Is Emotionally Unavailable?

Why Are Unattainable People Attractive?

Some people find themselves constantly falling for people who are either not interested, in another relationship, or non-committal. Here are a few reasons why it may happen:

  • The challenge: Most of us want what we can’t have, so the fact that something’s elusive often makes it irresistible, presenting unique challenges. The desire to prove that you can win someone over may put you in an unhealthy loop. You scramble to make them notice you, you receive some attention that gives you a temporary high, and then you repeat the cycle. The real goal here isn’t to win the partner, it’s to prove that you CAN win.
  • A drive to be chosen: Being attracted to someone who is unavailable because they are already in a relationship can be fueled by a compulsive drive to be preferred, prioritized and chosen. A person can even build their self-worth on whether or not the object of their affection leaves another partner for them. This can become an emotionally unhealthy and uncontrollable way to build self-worth.
  • The mystique: People are captivated by the unknown, including in romantic relationships. Since the person doesn’t fully give in, there’s a part of them that remains out of your reach. You may be initially attracted by the rush of the unknown. This can have a powerful effect on you, keeping you enthralled and wanting to know more.
  • Deep-seated insecurity: In a way, it’s safe to have a crush on someone you can’t have. You might self-sabotage your love life by choosing to fall for unavailable people. This saves you the shame and humiliation of rejection because you already know that the relationship can’t develop.
  • The potential to idealize: Since the person maintains a distance and you can’t get to know them well enough, you’re free to fill in the blanks any way you want. People generally tend to see their crushes through rose-colored glasses and if the person is unavailable, then you don’t get to know them enough to stain the idealized version with real human flaws.
  • The excitement of the chase: When someone keeps you at arm’s length, whether consciously or not, this may push you to compete for their affection. Some people see this as a type of dare, where they need to persist against obstacles, which amps up the excitement. If you’e won the commitment you think you want, you may find yourself bored now that the challenge of the pursuit has ended.

How Do You Know A Person Is Emotionally Unavailable?

Someone who isn’t emotionally available will usually act a certain way, including:

  • Being standoffish at times 
  • Giving lukewarm responses to your attempts at getting closer 
  • Not wanting to open up and talk about their feelings
  • Being unwilling to share anything too personal
  • Being uncomfortable or now knowing how to respond to your vulnerability
  • They respond to a deepening relationship by wanting more alone time
  • They seem annoyed or disgusted (rather than shy or reserved) with feelings talk
  • They give intermittent reinforcement (emotionally connect at times and withhold at other times)
  • They have a relational history of not committing fully
  • The emotional connection they want does not match how physically close they want to be.

These behaviors are red flags that indicate someone is generally uncomfortable with their own emotions and are reluctant to share their feelings with others. Someone may act this way consistently, across all of the relationships that they have. On the other hand, people are sometimes simply not interested in pursuing a deeper connection, so they could be behaving like this because they don’t find you compatible.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Why Do I Gravitate Toward Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

If being drawn toward emotional unavailability is an old habit for you, the origin could be rooted in early age. Sometimes, your emotionally unavailable past relationships include those deep in your history, such as those with parents or caregivers. If your emotional needs weren’t met well, you may have not developed the skills to curate emotional intimacy with available, consistent partners.

Even when this pattern this makes you feel anxious or leaves you struggling with low self worth, you may find yourself drawn to the degree of emotional availability that is most familiar to you. This is true EVEN when this causes emotional pain, and even when doing so has left you badly hurt in the past.

If your parents were sometimes there for you emotionally, and at other times they weren’t, this is called intermittent reinforcement. It means that emotionally, your needs were met inconsistently. This can leave someone emotionally confused about how to seek secure partners.

If you’ve asked yourself “why am i attracted to unavailable woman?”, “are emotionally unavailable men all that’s out there?” or “do I even deserve love?”, then the pattern may be old.

You might be afraid to fully trust out of fear that you’ll be rejected or abandoned. The struggle between protecting yourself from this fear and longing for emotionally present romantic partners may leave you utterly lonely if you don’t recognize the attachment issue.

Why Do Emotionally Unavailable People Feel Safe To Me?

We think of being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as being inherently negative, but it could be a psychologically protective strategy. The flip side of this, though, is that these relationships perpetuate feelings of disconnection and lonely emotions.

If the painful emotions of relational trauma took root at a very early age, then choosing an emotionally unavailable partner may be a way that you try to wall yourself off from the potentially painful feelings of a real relationship.

The risk of pain lowers if your true self is never accepted, and therefore never rejected, abandoned or hurt. An emotionally unavailable person may feel “safe” in this way, even though the relationship dynamics leave you unsatisfied.

It takes time to learn how to choose partners differently and slowly grow trusting relationships. If we don’t, however, we’re prone to repetition compulsion, and may find ourselves wondering why each successive emotionally unavailable person fails to solve our low self esteem, and why we continue on loving someone unavailable.

Are They Emotionally Unavailable Or Slow To Connect?

Sometimes we can mistake slow and cautious connection for emotional unavailability. But how can we tell the difference?

If someone is slower than you to self-disclose personal details, that is not necessarily a red flag. Somebody may have different pacing than you do, or build intimacy more gradually. Slowing the roll doesn’t always mean that they have a fear of commitment.

A red flag may look like a person who refuses to self-disclose personal information, or who says that they don’t plan on self-disclosing, period. In this kind of red flag example, an emotionally available person may say something like “in time, I’d like to share that with you.” Emotionally unavailable people may say something like “I don’t want to talk about that. I’m not looking for anything heavy.” Do either of those sound familiar?

A partner may also struggle to be vulnerable for reasons that are personal to them. Being vulnerable is a process that looks different for everyone. Being afraid to connect emotionally, and moving slowly, may not mean that they are emotionally unavailable.

If you find that you tend to over-disclose a lot of personal detail, expect a partner to be emotionally connected quickly, or despair at the first sign of slower pacing, then you may need to look at how your craving for attention may be better served by a healthy dose of self love.

If your own fear has caused you see a partner’s autonomy as a red flag, then perhaps you aren’t attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Maybe your expectations have gotten in the way of living fully in an emotionally developing relationship, and some self reflection is needed.

Clear communication about yourselves and relationship goals is key.

How Do I Stop Being Attracted To Emotional Unavailability?

Since it doesn’t typically lead to a fulfilling relationship, being attracted to emotional unavailability can be a part of an unhealthy pattern. Here is what you can do to overcome it:

  • Get to the root cause of the problem: Recognize the main driving force behind your attraction to unattainable people. For example, you may realize that you prefer infatuation to an actual relationship or that your childhood wounds prevent you from giving a chance to a more available person.
  • Reassess your notions about romance: Once you’ve identified why you’re choosing partners the way that you do, you can work on changing your perception of romance. For example, you could evaluate the list of things you look for in a partner and decide to give different kinds of people a chance.
  • Try things you wouldn’t have tried before: Expose yourself to new experiences and people. Learn how to get out of the comfort zone of the familiar in other areas of your life to create more flexible thinking.
  • Discern intuition from pattern: If you feel drawn to someone, ask yourself if it’s because they are truly a good fit for you, or if you’re repeating a familiar cycle. This self awareness can be an important step toward change. Think about whether they could be a dependable partner instead of going after what you impulsively want in the moment.
  • Allow yourself to feel loved: Running after an unavailable person may leave you drained emotionally. Also, many people who are attracted to unavailability equate romance with withheld affection. To overcome this, you need to rewire yourself to look for reliability, support, care, and partnership, which are all hallmarks of true love.

Who Can Help Me Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People?

Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people can stop you from being able to enjoy a relationship completely. When it comes to choosing partners, you may subconsciously feel safer with unavailable ones, but your emotional needs pay the price, making emotional unavailability a common denominator in your relationships. We can help.

At PIVOT, we work to help our clients understand the cycles they’ve been stuck in so that they can learn to choose, cultivate and enjoy relationships that are emotionally rewarding. Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people doesn’t have to be a life-sentence. Change is possible.

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We can also shed light on many other issues, like how to recover from a breakup and get a fresh start, how to know whether you’re ready to commit and tie the knot, or how to have a better relationship with your partner’s friends.Take part in one of our coaching sessions for individuals to work on your specific issues or make reservations for our couples retreat to grow with your partner. Let us know what type of personal growth you’re interested in and let’s get started!

Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse: Take Your Life Back

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Dealing with narcissistic abuse can be draining and downright devastating. You may feel like you can’t do anything right, often experiencing emotional abuse that leaves you questioning your worth. You might be riddled with doubt and questioning your recollection of conflicts and conversations. You may feel alone, depressed, and anxious. As your self-confidence erodes and you feel increasingly isolated, your family and friends may recognize the problem long before you do. 

Narcissistic abuse may not be evident or easily recognizable to you at first, especially in the context of a close relationship. Though physical or sexual abuse may be easy to spot, narcissistic abuse is often largely emotional and much harder to recognize. It’s also hard to accept and admit to yourself that you are in this situation. This prolonged emotional and psychological distress can lead to complex trauma, requiring specialized support for recovery.

If you have identified this type of abuse in a close relationship, you may be angry, hurt, and unsure where to turn. PIVOT can help. Our coaching for narcissistic abuse is second to none and has been instrumental in facilitating change for thousands of our clients. 

Let PIVOT help you take your life back.

Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse: Finally Break Free

The fact that you are here reading this means you’ve already gone through the painful journey of recognizing and accepting the toxic dynamics you are stuck in. You may feel like you don’t know whom to trust or where to turn for help.

Our relationship coaches are uniquely trained to help you take decisive action. They can help you to overcome the damage narcissistic abuse causes to your self-image and confidence and build yourself back up to a place where you can enjoy life again on your own terms.

How Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse Can Help Mediate Change

You Want to Feel:

Coaching Helps You To:

Like you are a priority

Put yourself first. This step is essential to healing and motivating behavioral change. Start taking care of you!

A sense of self-esteem

Recover a healthier sense of self to empower lasting behavioral change.

Free from toxic cycles

Understand attachment styles and why you may choose a certain type of partner.

Free of shame

Learn to recognize and resist manipulation. View yourself and your relationships through a different lens.

Decisive about your life

Rediscover your decision-making confidence, which is often undermined by narcissistic abuse.

Healthy

Learn how trauma impacts your physical and mental health. Adopt a supportive self-care ritual.

Hopeful

Know that there is a way out and that you won’t always feel this way.

The PIVOT Difference: Coaching for Narcissistic Abuse

At PIVOT, we take pride in our unique interventional approach, developed in a clinical setting over many years with thousands of clients. The focus is on you–your personal needs and individual circumstances. We offer those experiencing narcissistic abuse a well-worn pathway to healing, and we support you every step of the way.

The PIVOT Difference

Our Process

The PIVOT Process is a transformative journey that helps you to understand and love yourself. It starts with examining your own developmental psychology as you revisit your childhood, teen/adolescent, and adult years. You will look at yourself through a wide lens as you examine the physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and financial aspects of your life. This process is not just about healing; it’s about discovering your potential for change and growth.
With newfound understanding, the second part of the process empowers you to create behavioral change through actionable systems and tools. Connecting your thoughts and feelings with action, you will learn to reframe negative behavior patterns, set healthy boundaries, and form secure attachments. The result will be greater resilience and relational freedom in your future relationships.

Our Coaches

PIVOT coaches are not just experts in coaching for narcissistic abuse, they are also compassionate allies on your healing journey. Located across the U.S., each coach brings a rich diversity of professional therapeutic expertise, knowledge, and life experiences to their work. Your coach will be there for you, providing the support and understanding you need to build healthier, happier relationships.

Our Impact

With thousands of clients served, our impact is evident in their reviews and testimonials. The feedback we receive regularly includes phrases like “life-changing,” “deeper understanding of myself,” “empowering,” and “wish I had done this sooner.” These testimonials are a testament to the transformative power of our coaching for narcissistic abuse.

Our Options

While weekly in-person or virtual coaching for narcissistic abuse is an effective way to begin the healing process, many people who have experienced this devastation prefer to accelerate their recovery with a 1- or 2-day personalized PIVOT or a 5-day relationship retreat. These intensive options offer the opportunity for a deep dive into the forces that have shaped your relationship and left you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

How PIVOT Can Help You Escape Narcissistic Abuse and Rebuild Self Worth

The results of long-term narcissistic abuse undermine your confidence and eliminate your agency. You may find yourself struggling with your mental health and fending off physical health ailments, trapped in a merry-go-round of trauma and pain. If you have a close personal relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder or a person with narcissistic traits, it is time to save yourself. 

PIVOT coaches are trained to help you break this painful cycle and take back your life. The PIVOT Process is universally applicable and infinitely customizable. It can be adapted to your circumstances and help you find a way forward. This recovery journey emphasizes the importance of guidance, personal growth, and restoration of self-worth.

Don’t try to do it alone. Let us support you with our proven process and empower you with a toolbox of actionable strategies to facilitate healthier communication, reasonable boundary setting, and compassionate self-care. Developing self awareness is crucial; if you recognize narcissistic abuse in a close relationship, it’s time to plan your exit strategy.

Heal Your Relationships With PIVOT: The Healing Process  

PIVOT offers compassionate and transformative coaching for narcissistic abuse through weekly sessions, personalized intensives, and Glass House retreats. Our approach emphasizes the importance of self love in your healing journey. Reach out to begin your journey to a healthier, happier life. You can reach us at 1-855-452-0707. Don’t wait any longer to take back control of your well being and life.

The 3 Stages Of Codependency and Characteristics

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Codependency is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior where one person’s (“Giver”) emotional and physical needs become wholly reliant on those of another person (“Taker”). This unhealthy dynamic, often progressing through distinct stages of codependency, typically involves the Giver sacrificing their own well-being, happiness, and identity to cater to the needs of the taker, even to the point of enabling harmful behavior, creating the dynamics of a codependent partner.

This is why codependency is sometimes referred to as “love addiction” or “relationship addiction”. The Giver can develop unhealthy behavioral patterns and the need for external validation, leading to a lack of emotional regulation and a sense of helplessness.

Codependent behavior effectively traps both parties in a vicious cycle of giving and taking, forming a declining spiral that hinders the personal growth of everyone involved, as well as introducing even more elements of dysfunction into the relationship.

Fortunately, there is a silver lining here. Forming codependency is a gradual process. It develops in several stages and that takes time. This means that it is possible to break the cycle of dependency at any point during the process, even if it already became a default operating behavior.

Doing so will often require some degree of professional aid, either through continuous visitations to intensive codependency workshops or staying in one of the retreats near you. However, to discern which option is right for solving your issues of codependency, it is important to recognize the stage you’re currently at.

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Understanding Codependency

Codependency is a tricky thing to understand and get your head around. At it’s core it’s a pattern of behavior where one person’s emotional and psychological well being becomes deeply tied to another person, often to the point of enabling or supporting unhealthy or destructive behavior. This can show up in many ways including an obsession with control, no boundaries and putting others needs before your own.

The roots of codependency can often be traced back to childhood trauma, low self esteem and no healthy relationship models. For example people who grew up in environments where their emotional needs were not met may develop codependent tendencies as a way to get validation and love. And societal and cultural norms that promote self sacrifice and putting others first can perpetuate these behaviors.

But the consequences of codependency can be severe. Over time a codependent person can lose their own identity and feel empty and worthless inside. This can also lead to stress related disorders like anxiety and depression making their mental health even more complicated. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is key to having healthier more fulfilling relationships.

What Are The Stages Of Codependency?

What Are The Stages Of Codependency?

While codependency is not an official diagnosis or a fixed trait, it may be difficult to define it as a stand-alone issue. However, viewing it through the lens of addiction, we can see several patterns emerging.

Firstly, codependency is a chronic condition, characterized by enduring and progressive symptoms. This means that, if left unattended, the symptoms will become increasingly worse over time.

Secondly, the severity of the symptoms varies on the continuum, ranging from mild to severe, and may include:

  • Dependency on another person for validation and actualization;
  • Craving the (unhealthy) interaction;
  • Inability to abstain from compulsive behavior;
  • Continuous (unsuccessful) attempts to control the interaction;
  • Giving up joyful activities, such as hobbies or socializing, in order to focus on the unhealthy habit;
  • Maintaining harmful behavioral patterns, despite the problems they create in personal or professional life.

The emotional and relational challenges of codependency can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, causing distress and strain for one or both partners.

Lastly, recovering from codependency often requires intervention by a professional. Recovery is a gradual process that takes time, but with the help of codependency coaching or treatment by a mental health specialist, it can be overcome with great success.

With the above factors as a baseline and substance use disorder (SUD) as a parallel, we can define stages of codependency on a spectrum, as follows:

  • Early stage;
  • Middle stage;
  • Late stage.

Similarly to different types of addiction, each stage becomes progressively detrimental to an individual and harder to manage without professional assistance, the longer it is left unattended. 

What Are The Characteristics Of Different Codependency Stages?

As we already mentioned, codependency is a gradual process. It usually starts with a deep desire to help and care for someone, as well as a genuine dedication to achieving that goal. However, over time and if taken to the extreme, this behavior can become unhealthy and even harmful, which is why it is essential to learn to recognize the characteristics of each stage.

Stage 1: Early Stage

early stage codependency woman wife caretaker of male husband

The first stage is also known as the “Caretaker stage” and it is the hardest one to notice, both for the individual and those in their surrounding since it often resembles a harmonious and dedicated relationship.

During this time, the Giver typically exhibits a strong urge to take care of their partner and avoid conflict at all costs, usually at the expense of their own personal physical, mental, and emotional needs. 

They may even feel a sense of pride in their dedication and ability to please their partner, especially considering that they often receive positive feedback and validation from others (including the partner) for their actions.

However, as time goes on, this type of behavior can become increasingly unhealthy and even harmful, as The Giver starts:

  • Neglecting their own needs and desires, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout;
  • Feeling guilty when they prioritize themselves over their partner, out of the sense of obligation to care for the Taker;
  • Having difficulties expressing themselves or setting boundaries for their own benefit;
  • Drifting away from their family and friends, in order to have more time to care for their partner;
  • Exhibiting fear of rejection or abandonment, resulting in even deeper determination to put the other person’s needs before their own.

Ultimately, the combination of the above factors will lead to the Giver experiencing an even lower sense of self-esteem and a greater desire for external validation. Considering how low self-esteem is one of the prime contributors to codependency forming, it is easy to conclude that the person will find it increasingly difficult to escape the clutches of this behavioral pattern.

Stage 2: Middle Stage

middle stage codependency woman wife caretaker and controlling critic of male husband

Also known as the “Controller stage”, this phase is characterized by an increased dependence on the partner and a corresponding loss of focus on self-care. During this stage, the Giver’s self-esteem continues to plummet, and they typically begin to cultivate the desire to control and criticize their loved one’s actions and behaviors.

However, this is entirely counterproductive, since the main tools employed here are usually manipulation and inducing guilt. What this does is trap the person in the endless cycle of anxiety and self-guilt instead, ultimately leading to a sense of resentment, disappointment, and anger toward the person they’re trying to please.

At this point, codependency is deeply ingrained in the Giver’s psyche, which often causes them to find a different way to cope with pain and anguish, usually by adopting another compulsive behavior, such as obsessive working or even SUD.

Stage 3: Late Stage

late stage codependency woman wife exhausted and substance use, male husband in background staring at mobile phone

The final phase of codependency is the “Victim stage” or, as some call it, the “Martyr stage”. At this point, the Giver may feel completely trapped in their relationship and powerless to change their situation. They’ve usually almost completely lost touch with their own needs and desires, as well as their sense of identity outside of the one provided by the Taker.

The symptoms that started building during the previous stage become more exacerbated, which may lead to depression, anxiety, and anger issues. In addition to psychological problems, the pent-up stress of being in a dysfunctional relationship without a way out often results in physical issues, such as insomnia, headaches, sciatica, eating disorders, and digestive problems.

Recognizing the Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Knowing the signs of a codependent relationship is key to getting help. Some of the signs are:

  • No healthy communication or conflict resolution skills.
  • Needing control or trying to control your partner.
  • No boundaries or putting your partner’s needs before your own.
  • Enabling or supporting unhealthy or destructive behaviors.
  • Rationalizing or justifying bad behavior.
  • No self care or neglecting your own needs and desires.
  • People pleasing or putting others needs before your own.

The Importance of Self-Care in Recovery

Self care is a big part of codependency recovery. When we take care of ourselves we are better able to set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively and develop a stronger sense of self. Self care can look like:

  • Doing things that bring you joy.
  • Practicing mindfulness and self kindness.
  • Setting boundaries and putting your own needs first.
  • Getting support from friends, family or a therapist.
  • Exercising.
  • Getting enough sleep and good sleep hygiene.

When we take care of ourselves we can start to break free from codependency patterns and develop a healthier more fulfilling relationship with ourselves and others. This is codependency recovery and also empowers and self worth which means more balanced and healthy relationships in the future.

Start Your Journey to Healthy Relationships Today—Discover PIVOT’s Transformative Codependency Coaching and Retreats

Whether you’re struggling in a codependent relationship or simply looking to build stronger boundaries and self-care practices, turning to PIVOT’s codependency treatment centers near you will provide you with the guidance and resources you need to create lasting change in your life.

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Our intense codependency workshops are designed to help you break free from patterns of self-sacrifice and people-pleasing, and prioritize your own well-being. Led by experienced coaches and held in a serene Glass House retreat setting, our facilities offer a safe and supportive environment for self-discovery and personal growth.

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