Losing Yourself In A Relationship: How To Find You Again

What Does It Mean To Lose Yourself In A Relationship?

You know how you can feel like you’re drifting on cloud nine when your partner is embracing you? How you feel pleasant and loved when you’re together, wanting that feeling to last. So you give more and more to it. You take pieces off yourself as building blocks for your relationship to stop the sensation from disappearing.

And as you’re putting more and more of yourself, as you’re giving everything you are to your partner and your relationship, you seem to lose sight of yourself. It’s as if you’re beginning to drift from cloud nine into the endless blue, slowly losing grasp of who you are. You reach out, struggling to keep at least a tiny portion close, and it disappears. 

You’re sorry, but the comfort makes you forget about it. And you feel good again. Yes, it’s easy to lose yourself in the relationship and it’s nobody’s fault. Your partner didn’t want to build trust in your relationship by letting you distance from yourself. In honest relationships, your partner loves you for who you are and you can get back in touch with your inner self.  

What Does It Mean To Lose Yourself In A Relationship?

Defining what losing yourself in a relationship means is the easy part. You start a relationship as an individual with interests, desires, hobbies, wants, and needs. As the relationship progresses, you pour more and more into your relationship while losing the very traits that defined you in the beginning. 

For some individuals, this can gradually become worse until the point you can hardly recognize who you are. And you don’t just sacrifice your interests, hobbies, pastime activities, and your dreams. You may even start to lose your own identity, personality, and your own sense of self. It becomes as if you’re no longer an individual in a relationship. Rather, you and your relationship are one and the same. You don’t know where one begins and other ends. 

And then, over time, there’s no more you, no more your partner, no more your uniqueness – only the all-consuming relationship. However, having a caring, loving, and nurturing relationship doesn’t mean you and your partner need to sacrifice each other. Nurturing your unique traits will strengthen your relationship. Individuality is a good thing as long as you foster it together. 

What Are The Signs That You’re Losing Yourself In A Relationship?

What Are The Signs That You’re Losing Yourself In A Relationship?

Sometimes, you may not even realize that you’re not in tune with yourself. However, it’s important to be honest with yourself and try to detect some of the most common signs that you’re no longer who you actually are. 

These signs are different for everybody, but some common ones are: 

  • You’re spending less and less time on yourself and the things you love.
  • Your own social life is becoming extinct. 
  • You’re compromising your own needs and wants for your partners’.
  • You don’t say no. 
  • You struggle making decisions on your own. 
  • You have less and less confidence in yourself. 
  • You’re losing sight of your own dreams. 
  • You’re passing up great opportunities because of your partner. 
  • You’re beginning to miss your single life. 
  • You no longer feel as attractive as you used to. 
  • You find yourself simply going through the motions. 

Can You Find You Again In A Relationship?

Yes, you can. However, leaving a relationship can end up being counterproductive and cause you to make the same mistakes again in the future. Rediscovering yourself entails identifying some of the negative patterns you keep repeating. Doing it while remaining in a relationship with the person you love can help you develop a better and more secure sense of self-worth and individuality. This will prevent you from losing your personality down the line and help you have a healthier relationship with your partner. 

How Do You Find Yourself Again In Your Relationship?

Rediscovering yourself in your relationship and helping your partner do the same while respecting their individuality can be challenging. However, it doesn’t have to be. 

How Do You Find Yourself Again In Your Relationship?

Be honest with yourself and with your partner. From there, work together on making yourselves the yourselves you want and used to be. In turn, this will also breathe new life into your relationship. Then, try to help one another achieve these goals: 

  • Define your own personal needs and boundaries.
  • Validate your individual emotions together. 
  • Maintain both your separate and joint friendships. 
  • Pay attention to your passions projects.
  • Learn how to healthily disagree. 
  • Address any lingering resentments. 
  • Challenge and grow both individually and together. 
  • Work on your relationship with an advocate who can facilitate the process. 

PIVOT’s Private Couples Retreat For Reconnection Helps You Find Yourself & Continue To Build Trust In A Relationship

A healthy and unifying relationship helps you unlock the strength you didn’t know you had and allows you to successfully manage all the pressures you might be experiencing.

However, it’s also quite easy and very common to neglect your own self once your relationship begins reaching a certain stage of familiarity and comfort. This is not bad in itself. It can become bad if you allow yourself to drift from yourself too far. Once you start losing sight of your own personality on the horizon of your relationship, it’s time to act and discover yourself again.This can be tough, especially if it’s been some time since you’ve done something just for you. Luckily, PIVOT can help you. We organize in

dividual workshops to regain your lost self as well as couple retreats to allow you to be connected while being individuals. Reach out to us today and inquire about how our expert advocates can help you and your partner.

Relationship Complacency: What It Is & How To Avoid It

You’re in a relationship. You’re feeling good about it. You love your partner. Your partner loves you back. You know each other well. You talk, your partner listens. Your partner talks, you listen back. You’re cozy. And it’s easy. And there are no challenges or outbursts. There’s love. Or at least you think and know there is. You’re just not feeling it in the same way you used to.

It’s almost as if love has been replaced with comfort, convenience, and security. You feel pleasant, however not great. There’s a fleeting sense, a brief moment when you feel something’s off and then it passes, and you’re back to the warm bliss of the familiar. You block off potential problems in your relationship and postpone the need to improve intimacy in a relationship. 

And you feel good again ignoring that voice in the back of your mind that craves a bit more fireworks. You’re taking your love life for granted and you seem to be enjoying it. However, falling prey to this kind of complacency in a relationship can end up being the very bane that brings havoc where there was harmony. Putting a stop to it is an important mission that will breathe new life into your relationship. How to do it? Begin with the basics.

What Is Relationship Complacency?

What Is Relationship Complacency?

There’s a lot we hear about relationships and the different stages, issues, and problems. We all know about the honeymoon period, how you can make it last, and what to do when it inevitably ends. Or the seven-year itch that can occur in even the most loving of relationships and marriages. However, what about complacency?

Is complacency not a problem? Does it really affect relationships negatively and can being comfortable and complacent really cause such harm to both you and your relationship?

It is, especially because complacency is often mistaken for comfort. Being comfortable with your significant other is great. Being complacent is not that great. Complacency means gradually slipping into a false and often toxic comfort zone that prevents both you and your partner from enhancing your relationship, improving your communication, and taking each other for granted. 

Complacency comes in various forms, as do relationships. All couples are different and all couples that experience relationship complacency experience it in different ways. However, there’s one common line that defines complacency – putting less and less effort into your relationship and paying less and less attention to each other. 

What Are The Signs Of Complacency In A Relationship?

Still, complacency seems like simply a relationship that’s entered a bit of a rut. That’s easy enough to resolve, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. A rut requires a bit of action, adding a bit of dynamicity into your daily life, and stepping outside your comfort zone to engage in activities both you and your partner will enjoy. 

Complacency is more serious than rut. It breeds passivity and can provoke a wide range of increasingly negative feelings and harmful relationship traits that can lead to more significant problems. 

This makes it really important to recognize the signs of complacency on time. You need to react before it roots itself within your relationship and starts causing problems that will only get tougher and tougher to deal with down the line. Some of the most common telltale signs of relationship complacency are: 

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?
  • Feelings of restlessness and boredom in the relationship and toward your partner
  • Lack of attention between you and your partner
  • Either experiencing or handing out criticism on a regular basis
  • Neglecting your own wellbeing and self-care
  • Experiencing a constant decline in your intimate activities
  • Fantasizing about others
  • Resorting to routine i-love-yous
  • Not organizing date nights like before
  • You and your partner not sharing individual experiences
  • You feel more and more distant from your partner
  • There is a significant lack of communication

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?

It’s easy to see why relationship complacency is a lot more serious than it seems and than people give it credit. In fact, complacency can often serve as the building block for numerous issues down the line if you and your partner decide not to work on it together. However, working on it can often be difficult and demanding. 

And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because your relationship requires work doesn’t mean there’s no love, affection, care, and dedication. It takes guts and strength to recognize that your relationship has become complacent and to talk with your partner about it. From there, you can try to tackle that complacency by doing the following: 

  • Adopt a new mindset that realizes and recognizes that relationships require active effort.
  • Compliment and take notice of each other.
  • Set ample alone time for just the two of you.
  • Try to shake up your daily routine.
  • Be honest with yourself and with your partner.
  • Become more curious about your partner.
  • Work on your physical intimacy.
  • Set clear goals for your relationship. 
  • Explore new activities you can do together.
  • Go your separate ways for a day and then tell each other all about it. 
  • Create a love map of your relationship that explains your dreams, hobbies, fears, and other traits you and your partner find important. 
  • Practice empathy together with your partner. 
  • Hold hands and hug each other. 
  • Try to put your phones away and just enjoy each other’s company. 

PIVOT Helps Improve Intimacy In Your Relationship By Resolving Intimacy Problems & Complacency

Falling into the trap of relationship complacency is easy and more common than you think. However, detecting the reasons behind your complacent relation with your partner and working to resolve your issues can be difficult and can lead you to question how strong you are and cause unwanted pressure within your relationship

We’re not gonna lie – dealing with any problem within your relationship, even one as seemingly small and easy-to-resolve as complacency is tough. It’s hard for you and your partner to look yourselves in the eye, admit problems, and start taking them head on. However, with healthy communication and real effort, everything’s manageable. At PIVOT, we know just how difficult it can be for both individuals and couples to end their complacent period and get back on their dynamic feet. That is why we’ve envisioned both specialized individual workshops for invigorating your life and couple workshops for helping you find the spark in your relationship again. Reach out to us today!

How Does It Feel To Fall Out Of Love?

As sad as the notion may be, love doesn’t always last. No matter how intense the feelings are when you first fall in love with someone, it’s always possible to fall out of love with a partner eventually, even if you still care for them.

Although there’s not always an exact reason why you fall out of love, factors such as emotional intimacy issues and being unable to love yourself first can increase the possibility of this typically unpleasant scenario. However, as no two relationships are the same, falling out of love can play out in a wide variety of different ways.

Read on to learn what falling out of love feels like.

How Do You Know When Your Partner Doesn’t Love You Anymore?

If you’ve been feeling like something is off in your relationship, it may be the case that your partner is no longer in love with you as they once were. Unfortunately, it’s completely natural for our feelings to change over time, so you should keep in mind that it’s not the end of the world if your partner doesn’t feel the same way anymore.

Signs That Your Partner Doesn’t Love You

Here’s how to tell if your partner is no longer in love with you:

  • They don’t have the time for you. If your partner is always too busy to spend time with you, it may mean that they are avoiding you because they don’t feel the same way about you anymore. Look out for signs of withdrawal if you suspect that may be the case.
  • They don’t make you feel good about yourself. Both parties in the relationship should feel comfortable and confident when together. If your partner goes out of their way to make you feel bad, that is a surefire sign that they don’t love you as much as they should.
  • They aren’t sharing their thoughts. Does your partner feel the need to tell you about their day and talk about how they feel? If not, they may no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable around you.
  • They aren’t interested in what you have to say. Similarly, if you feel like they don’t listen to you when you speak or if they never comfort you when you are down, it’s likely that they don’t care as much as they used to.
  • They are overly critical of you. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but if you feel like your partner criticizes you all the time or starts fights over trivial things, that’s a good sign that your relationship is nearing its end.
  • You’re experiencing intimacy problems in your relationship. Whether emotional or physical, intimacy is a core ingredient in any relationship. In case your partner seems withdrawn and less interested in making love, they may not be sure of their feelings.

How Do You Know You’re Not In Love?

Are you worried that you may be the one in the relationship who doesn’t feel the way they once did? Falling out of love is never easy, especially if you still deeply care for your partner. Still, if you no longer feel warmth and excitement at the thought of spending time with them, it’s entirely possible that your feelings have changed. Here are some additional signs that you have fallen out of love.

You Rarely Think About Them Throughout Your Day

When you’re in love, it’s normal to spend quite a bit of time thinking about your partner as you go about your day. You wish to know how they feel during the day and you may even bring them gifts and whatnot to show your affection. If that has changed, you may no longer be in love.

You Don’t Talk To Them About Your Problems

A healthy relationship should be based on trust and mutual respect. If you don’t feel the need to share your thoughts and fears with your partner on a regular basis, that is a good sign that you’re falling out of love.

You Don’t Imagine A Future With Them

When you think about your future, do you see your partner by your side? If not, you may not truly love them. While it’s normal to care about your career and social life, you’d want your partner to be a part of your life if you loved them.

You Avoid Spending Time With Them

Two people in love want to spend as much time with each other as possible. If you don’t feel like being around your partner and go out of your way to find other things to do, things probably aren’t right between the two of you.

Can You Fall Back In Love?

So, you’ve realized that you have fallen out of love with your partner or that your partner has fallen out of love with you. It is what it is. The logical next step for the two of you would be to decide whether to break up or stay in the relationship. The question is, Is it even possible to fall back in love? Can we choose to love a person or not?

One thing is certain – your relationship can’t be rekindled overnight. If you wish to bring back the magic, know that you will have to put in substantial time and effort into making the relationship work. You and your partner may be vastly different persons than you were at the beginning and these new versions of you may not be as compatible as before.

After all, choosing to end the relationship is also a viable option. There’s no point in prolonging something that just doesn’t work anymore unless you want to experience more pain as time goes by. However, if you choose to rekindle the spark, know that it can be done – but it won’t be easy.

How Can I Save My Relationship?

Saving a relationship that is no longer exciting is surely difficult but it can be done. If you decide to work things out with your partner, here are some tips:

  • Let go of past mistakes.
  • Embark on new adventures together.
  • Learn how to forgive.
  • Keep your expectations in check.
  • Share your thoughts with your partner.
  • Try to remember what brought you together.
  • Give yourself time.

Even if you follow these tips, you should know that your relationship may not work out despite all the effort. However, if you want to give your relationship your best shot, consider attending a couples retreat or a relationship workshop. With help from professional relationship coaches, you will learn more about your relationship and why it went downhill, as well as discover the best ways to rebuild it, heal your relational wounds, and change your survival patterns.

Bring Back The Magic With #1 Relationship Building Skills Workshop

Looking for an effective method to salvage a failing relationship? PIVOT can help! Whether you struggle with letting love into your life or fear that you no longer feel the same about your partner, the knowledgeable PIVOT Advocates are here to provide invaluable advice and insight with you.

At PIVOT, we provide assistance to couples and individuals with a whole range of relationship problems. Through comprehensive individual coaching and our five-day relationship coaching retreats at the Glass House, we can help you breathe new life into your relationship in no time. Reach out to us today!

Restoring A Relationship After A Breakup

Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a relationship is to break up. Breakup is a harsh term for some, however, it is the universal term people use to describe ending a relationship.  Still, splitting up with someone doesn’t have to be forever. Many couples figure out that they still want to be together and work on improving their relationship after the break.
Saving a relationship after a breakup is no easy task, especially if you and your partner are trying to resolve issues such as emotional withholding and silent treatment. Luckily, most relationships can be changed for the better with a bit of time and effort, as well as through effective couples relationship coaching. Additionally, you may find the support you need to fix the relationship in an intensive problems and solutions retreat.
Read on to learn how you can save your relationship after splitting up and rebuild trust with your partner.

Can A Relationship Work After A Break?

If you’re thinking about getting back together after a break in your relationship, you may be wondering if it’s even possible to make it work after everything that’s happened.
Naturally, reconciliation after a breakup isn’t always possible. Sometimes, staying in the relationship simply isn’t healthy – you may be dealing with codependency or have trouble with people-pleasing tendencies that put you in an unfavorable position in the relationship.
Nevertheless, many relationships can be saved if both parties work together to fix their issues in a healthy way. For instance, issues such as a lack of intimacy or poor communication between partners can be resolved with the right approach and a lot of patience.

How Long After A Breakup Should You Wait To Get Back Together?

Overcoming relationship challenges can be a difficult and lengthy process. While there are no rules when it comes to the right time to reconcile with your ex partner, you shouldn’t rush yourself if you feel like the problem hasn’t been resolved. Before you try and make things work once again, make sure that you know exactly what you want from the relationship and that your partner is on the same page.

How Do You Rebuild A Relationship After A Breakup?

Getting back together after a break can be tough, but it’s certainly not impossible. Here’s what you can do to try and make the relationship work.

1. Make Sure Both Parties Are On The Same Page

Reconciliation won’t be possible unless both you and your partner are willing to put in substantial time and effort into rekindling the relationship. If one of you is less enthusiastic than the other, it’s likely that you’ll encounter the same problems all over again. Both individuals need to be willing to invest the necessary time and effort to rebuild the relationship.

2. Communication Is Key

If you want your relationship to be healthy and successful, you will have to be ready to talk to your partner honestly and without judgment. Good communication is a prerequisite for a happy relationship, so make sure to speak with and listen to your partner on a regular basis. This can be challenging with a history of one or both of you not feeling comfortable using your voice when you are hurt or angry.  Silence can be deadly to relationships.

3. Figure Out Why The Breakup Happened.

Once you and your partner are on the same page and able to communicate openly, try to work together to determine the main reasons why your relationship didn’t work the first time. Just be aware that this isn’t about anger and blame but about gaining a deeper understanding of your issues.

4. Take It Slow And Be Patient

Your relationship can’t be rebuilt overnight. While you may be tempted to ignore the underlying problems in your relationship if you feel like you and your partner are doing better, sometimes it’s better to start things over, step by step, and get to know your partner once again.

5. Experiment And Embrace Change

It’s often necessary to make a few changes after a breakup in order to reinvent the relationship. Don’t be afraid to shake things up and share new experiences with your partner. By having fun and enjoying some quality time together, you’ll see what made your relationship special to begin with.

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Building trust in a relationship is hard enough as it is. Rebuilding it after a breakup can be even tougher, especially if the reason for splitting up was infidelity. Still, it can be done if both you and your partner are ready to commit to making the relationship better but overcoming trust issues will definitely take some time. The WHY behind the infidelity needs to be revealed and understood by both individuals.

How Long Does The Pain Of Betrayal Last?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question since people deal with emotional betrayal in different ways. You may be able to forgive your partner in a couple of months or you might need significantly longer than that to learn how to let your guard down once again.

How Do You Heal From The Pain Of Betrayal?

Either way, overcoming emotional betrayal will surely require a lot of patience and determination from both parties in the relationship. In order to learn to trust your partner again, you may need to:

  • Control your emotions and keep anger outbursts in check.
  • Learn how to forgive your partner and try not to mention the betrayal in every fight.
  • Refrain from blaming yourself and feeling resentful towards your partner.
  • Learn how to care for yourself and put your needs first.
  • Be honest with yourself about where the relationship is going.

How Do You Regain Trust After A Breakup?

If you’ve decided to give your partner a second chance, you need to be ready to put in some effort. Here’s how to how to build trust back in a relationship after breaking up:

  • Learn how to trust yourself before you learn how to trust your partner. If your partner has cheated, you need to learn when to trust your instincts. Of course, you shouldn’t suspect that your partner is cheating again every time you get into a fight.
  • Try to keep a positive outlook. Emotional betrayals are difficult and painful, but that doesn’t mean that everything needs to be negative. Try focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship instead of dwelling on past issues all the time.
  • Don’t look back too much. If you keep returning to the details of the betrayal every single day, you may diminish the chances of your relationship’s recovery. Instead, try focusing on the future and how you and your partner can work together to fix the relationship.

Does Coaching Help After A Breakup?

Reaching out to dating and relationship experts can be of immense benefit to your mental health and wellbeing after a breakup. Here’s how attending a couples workshop after a breakup can help:

  • You will understand and accept your grief. Sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings can help you overcome your sadness and prepare you to date again when the time comes.
  • A relationship coach may motivate you to change. If you talk with an expert, you may find all the tools and resources you need to overcome your relationship challenges by finding effective and healthy solutions.
  • Your healing process will have structure. Breakups can be messy. If you feel lost, professional help may be crucial for finding balance and focus again after heartbreak.

Have A Fresh Start With #1 Couples Relationship Coaching

If you find yourself wondering if there is a way to rekindle a broken relationship and can’t seem to come up with a satisfactory answer, reaching out to professionals may be the best course of action. Fixing a broken relationship is hard and if you can’t do it yourself, why not let PIVOT Advocates help? 
At PIVOT, we specialize in helping both individuals and couples with their relationships, allowing them to move forward without fear, anger, and resentment. In addition to providing effective individual and relationship coaching, you can also fix your relationship by attending our short-term intensive workshop at The Glass House where you can transform your relationships through our intensive workshops. 
Reach out to us today! 

What Is Avoidance / Ambivalence Attachment?

For some individuals, thinking about being in a relationship can activate feelings of wanting to run away. Why? Because they feel that the needs of a partner, family member, or employer are overwhelming.
Unfortunately, many individuals find themselves attracted to avoidant or ambivalent partners. This often leads to a series of unhealthy patterns which cause a great deal of pain for both sides in the relationship. If this is the case with you and your partner, consider love avoidance coaching or intensive workshops which can give you the tools and resources you need to heal your attachment wounds.
Read on to learn more about love avoidance and ambivalence.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is the inability and fear to show love. Individuals will carefully guard themselves when in relationships and avoid real intimacy… to protect themselves from rejection, loss and pain. Often they are not even aware of the behavior and it can be misunderstood as selfishness.
Unfortunately, denial and avoidance become habits, which keeps the individual from being seen, feeling connected and loved.
Paradoxically, the individual will often want more but will go outside the relationship to get what they want, because it feels safer. 
People with avoidance issues have difficulty trusting others and will distance themselves if a relationship feels too close. Experiences in early childhood are usually the cause of this, and they use avoidance to try to feel safe within an intimate relationship.

How Do You Know If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Do you think you or your partner have avoidance issues? That may be the case if you notice that you tend to be uncomfortable with intimacy in your relationship and have a way of escaping commitment when you start to feel stifled or suffocated. 
If you worry your partner is avoidant, you may want to look for signs such as: 

  • Not returning your texts or calls
  • Idealizing a past relationship
  • Sending mixed signals
  • Keeping secrets 
  • Childish and sullen behavior
  • Showing mistrust 
  • Escaping commitment 

Of course, these are just some of the signs your partner may exhibit in your relationship. However, if you feel like most of these signs ring true, you may want to consider professional couple counseling or relationship therapy workshops. 

Do Avoidants Fall In Love?

Despite the name, love avoidants actually crave love and affection, just like everyone else. But because of their childhood wounds, they find it more difficult to face disappointment and betrayal than other people, so they tend to guard their feelings and do all they can to avoid being hurt in their relationships. They are not running away from love, they are running away from pain. 

Why Are Love Avoidants Attracted to Love Addicts?

Both love addicts and love avoidants often carry deeply ingrained fears and insecurities that stem from their childhood. On one hand, addicts crave affection and love that they rarely received from their parent or caregiver. Love avoidants, on the other hand, typically try to run from intimacy to avoid getting engulfed and hurt once again. 
While the relationship may work initially, it is bound to come with its own set of challenges. As the love addict showers the avoidant with love and affection, the avoidant will inevitably start to pull away. The distancing of the avoidant will lead the addict to seek even more reassurance and affection as proof of the avoidant’s love. This cycle often repeats itself. This is what many refer to as a love addicted tango.

How Do You Deal With A Love Avoidant?

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be extremely challenging, especially for a love addict. But despite the challenges, it is possible to create a deep connection with an avoidant, but only if they are willing to put in some effort, too. Here’s how you can improve your relationship with an avoidant partner: 

  • Be patient and show your partner that they can trust you 
  • Give your partner some space instead of chasing them 
  • Keep in mind that their love avoidance is not your fault 
  • Be understanding and dependable without overwhelming them
  • Learn the differences between the wants and needs for the relationship between you and your partner 
  • Recognize your own unhealthy survival patterns 
  • Set healthy boundaries 
  • Don’t neglect your own needs 

What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Another way attachment shows up is if the individual is unavailable for intimacy. This means they are caught up in feeling anxious and also at times avoidant. This is the type of person that communicates “come here – go away”. This is known as being Ambivalent
The coping strategies that are avoidant or ambivalent which people use relate to creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship, such as non-intimate sex, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol. 
Among all of the attachment styles, ambivalent attachment seems to be the most chaotic. This is because ambivalent attachment tends to come from a childhood in which the parent or caregiver was inconsistent in providing love and affection. 
A child who never knows when they will receive attention or love ends up being fearful of it but still craves it desperately. They never feel secure in a relationship and will live with a constant fear of abandonment and an intense need for validation. 

How Do You Know If You Have an Ambivalent Attachment Style?

Being ambivalent in your relationships or living with an ambivalent partner can be exhausting. If you’re worried that your partner has an ambivalent attachment style, look for the following traits: 

  • Is your partner constantly critical or picky? 
  • Do they have a history of short relationships? 
  • Are they confused about what they want from the relationship? 
  • Do they always seem distant or busy? 
  • Are their actions unpredictable? 
  • Are they hesitant to make long-term plans? 

If you never feel sure of what your partner feels or thinks, it’s likely that you feel lost and confused about the nature of your relationship. If that’s the case, it would probably be a good idea to seek expert help if you want to salvage the relationship and improve your mental health. 

Link Between Attachment Style And Depression

The Glass House helps avoidant and ambivalent individuals find their voice and use it. 
When the avoidant or ambivalent behavior is defined and understood, it becomes a starting point to treat the underlying causes that create love avoidance. If this isn’t treated, then it often leads to depression.
When an individual has difficulty deciding whether to leave a relationship, this indecisiveness can lead to a combination of feeling anxious and depressed. 

Why Is Attachment Important To Physical And Mental Health?

Avoidant and ambivalent attachment behaviors can significantly decrease the quality of your life, especially when it comes to your interpersonal relationships. In fact, the style of our attachment is a key factor in our physical and mental health. Here’s how: 

  • The relationship with our caregivers will shape our intimate relationships. 
  • Unhealthy attachment can result in difficulties with understanding our emotions.
  • In turn, we may struggle with relating to the emotions of other people.
  • Without healthy connections with others, we may struggle with anxiety and depression.
  • Our attachment style can make it hard to bounce back from disappointment and failure. 

As you can see, your attachment style is a key factor in determining your personal relationships. Because of this, working on your attachment can be incredibly useful for improving your intimate relationships and overall wellbeing. 

What Causes Love Avoidance and Ambivalence?

Individuals need love and connection with others. However, if you have suffered from feelings of abandonment or loss as a child, then you are likely to have difficulty forming healthy attachments in adulthood, which can lead to avoidance or ambivalence. 
Avoidance or ambivalence can also occur from experiencing abuse or neglect as a child from parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches, bullies and friends. 
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Avoidance behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for.

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a number of characteristic behaviors, including: 

  • Avoid intimacy in the relationship by creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship
  • Craving independence at all costs
  • Emotional withdrawal and bottling up emotions
  • Avoid being known in the relationship
  • Distance themselves from intimate contact to keep from feeling engulfed
  • Over-controlling parenting when young
  • Secretive behavior – hiding feelings
  • Need to be seen and adored and then escape
  • Refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem
  • Tolerance for high-risk behavior
  • Denial that there is a problem 

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Ambivalent Attachment

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Ambivalent behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

  • They let other things outside of the relationship get in the way, i.e., hobbies, work, friends, lovers, addictions—anything.
  • Typically, they had one anxious and one avoidant parent attachment style
  • They have a “come here, go away” relational pattern
  • Crave love and fear it
  • Avoid intimacy by obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people
  • They sexualize relationships such that emotional intimacy is non-existent and then become addicted to the sex or the relationship—often both.
  • They become addicted through romantic affairs rather than committed relationships
  • They struggle to open to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship.

Can Avoidance or Ambivalence Be Treated?

The first step starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about healing yourself and being committed to being able to attach securely by knowing what you want and need in a relationship based on your personal storyline and background.
The process includes dealing with feelings and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. 
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you. 
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

How can you deal with ambivalent or avoidant attachment?

Coping with their attachment style is a long and stressful process for most people. This is because we’re often unaware of the exact issues that stem from our relationship with our caregiver in our early childhood and finding out exactly how much it has affected us can be both eye-opening and terrifying. 
The first step to overcoming your insecure attachment is to get acquainted with your past. Understanding exactly how you became the person you are now can help you accept and reconcile with your childhood experiences. 
This is best done through professional therapy and attending different workshops and programs designed to help you improve your relationships and your overall well being. But if you want to take some steps on your own, here’s what you should do: 

  • Start by identifying your emotions and expressing your needs without fear. 
  • Strive to be as authentic in your communication as possible. 
  • Combat your shame and work on your self-esteem. 
  • Try not to criticize yourself and accept your flaws. 
  • Work on compromising and seeing your partner’s perspective. 

Of course, these are just some of the steps you can take to start on your path to recovery. In addition to these general coping techniques, you should also seek professional support if you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life. 

How To Overcome Insecure Attachment: Our Love Avoidance Intensive Workshops Can Help!

We provide support and healing for these individuals by providing a personal PIVOT coach or coming to The Glass House and taking a 5-day deep dive into the PIVOT process. We provide defining attachment styles, one on one sessions, group process and experiential therapies to encourage individuals to be seen, respected, and understood.
In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about the PIVOT process and our programs. We’re here to help.

Intimacy In Relationships: What You Should Know

Many couples tend to confuse intimacy with sexual activities in their relationship. What they don’t know, however, is that true intimacy comes in many forms, all of which have to do with building trust and enhancing closeness between partners.
Being in a relationship comes with a myriad of struggles, including everything from emotional withdrawal and silent treatment to engulfment and control. For many people, dealing with issues in their personal relationships can take a great toll on their mental health and decrease the overall quality of their lives. That’s why building intimacy with your partner is a must if you want you and your partner to be happy and your relationship to last.
In this blog post, we’ll tell you all about the meaning of intimacy and how to improve intimacy in a relationship.

What Is Intimacy In A Relationship?

What does true intimacy mean? Well, by definition, intimacy involves feelings of closeness, vulnerability, and openness between partners in a relationship. While intimate relationships typically include physical acts of love, they don’t necessarily have to be sexual.
A sexual relationship may or may not include emotional intimacy between two partners. This is why we may have one-night stands and other sexual acts that don’t involve intimacy and love.

What Are The Four Types Of Intimacy?

Intimacy manifests itself in many ways. A healthy relationship would include and nourish each of the following types of intimacy:

  • Emotional intimacy means that you are able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner and don’t fear being vulnerable around them. Nourishing this form of intimacy is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
  • Physical intimacy entails acts of affection between two partners. While this type of intimacy does involve sexual activities, it isn’t the same as sexual intimacy. It also involves everything from kissing and hugging to holding hands with your partner.
  • Intellectual intimacy includes sharing thoughts, ideas, and feelings with your partner. For instance, talking about your interests and favorite music will help you deepen the intellectual or cognitive intimacy with your partner.
  • Experiential intimacy means sharing experiences with your partner, whether it’s traveling together, taking a walk, going to the movies, or any other activity that can bring you closer together.

How Do You Rebuild Intimacy In A Relationship?

Building intimacy in a relationship is crucial if you want to have a mature and lasting bond with your partner. Here are some tips for restoring the feelings of intimacy in your relationship.

Talk Things Through

If you no longer feel connected to your partner, you should first try to determine the underlying struggles that may have caused your emotional intimacy issues and have an honest conversation about them. Just make sure to be completely honest and attentive to what your partner has to say – healthy communication in a relationship is a must if you want it to work.

Share Experiences

Instead of spending your evenings on your phone while your partner is on a computer, try engaging in activities you both get to enjoy. For instance, going on a weekend trip or simply seeing a movie together will help build a stronger bond and bring you closer together.

Work On Physical Intimacy Too

While emotional intimacy should definitely be your starting point, it’s important that you don’t neglect the physical aspect of the relationship. Sexual activities and other physical acts of love, such as cuddling and hugging, can greatly improve your mood and help you reconnect with your partner.

Give It Time

You can’t rebuild intimacy overnight, especially if you’re trying to repair a relationship after a crisis or infidelity. If you are patient with your partner and communicate openly with them, you will manage to rebuild trust and deepen the connection over time.

What Are Some Good Relationship-Building Activities For Couples?

No relationship can work without effort from both parties. If you and your partner need help maintaining intimacy, experts recommend the following healthy relationship workshop activities for strengthening the bond with your partner:

  • Extend cuddle time: many couples get so lost in their busy lives that they forget to cuddle. Cuddling a couple of times per week can do wonders for deepening the connection with your partner.
  • Allow your partner to vent: a great exercise for enhancing intimacy is to have uninterrupted listening sessions. This means that you should set a timer, let your partner speak and simply listen to what they have to say, without judgment and defensiveness.
  • Play the 5 things game: this simple but versatile exercise is both fun and effective. It involves you and your partner taking turns to state five things on a certain topic, such as “what are the five things you’d like to change in your life”, or anything along those lines.
  • Engage in soul gazing: Sit face to face with your partner with your knees almost touching. Try to maintain eye contact and say nothing for around 3-5 minutes. You can make the exercise easier by playing a song and trying soul gaze while it lasts.
  • Have weekly meetings: Many relationship struggles arise from a lack of communication between partners. By having conversations without distractions every week, you can get insight into your partner’s thoughts and avoid communication errors.

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t expect immediate change if you do these exercises a couple of times and then go back to your old ways. Rebuilding a relationship takes time, especially if you’re dealing with issues like dealing with codependency in a relationship or struggling with love addiction.
That is why couples can greatly benefit from relationship coaching or attending intensive workshops aided by seasoned professionals who can help them rekindle intimacy in a healthy way.

Rebuild Your Bond With Modern Relationship Intimacy Coaching

Sometimes, a relationship can keep going downhill no matter how hard you try to maintain a healthy connection. This often happens because couples simply don’t have the time to focus on actively working on their relationship with all the distractions they have to deal with in their everyday lives. Because of this, many couples find that relationship coaching can be highly beneficial for enhancing intimacy and building lasting bonds between them.
With PIVOT, you can transform your relationship swiftly and effectively with the help of our seasoned PIVOT Advocates. In addition to our relationship coaching programs, we also offer customized couples retreats at The Glass House where you can work on your relationship with complete focus and bring about immediate change.
Why wait? Reach out to us today and make your relationship thrive!

Love Isn't Addictive… Here's Why

  • Do you mistake intensity for intimacy?
  • Do you have to be in relationship to avoid feeling empty?
  • Do you know you need help navigating relationships and not sure
    about what help to get?
  • Do you feel like you are working harder in the relationship than your
  • Is the love ever enough?
  • Do you find yourself confused instead of having clarity in your

If you can relate to some of these questions, you are among many people who suffer from what our behavioral health industry calls love addiction.  If you have an adverse reaction to that label, here’s why…
When I was 39 years old – I was sitting in an office – broken hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep.  And, I wanted to die.
I was told that I suffered from something called love addiction.  From what I understood, love addiction was a proposed model of pathological passion-related behavior involving the feeling of being in love.
Well, it didn’t make ANY sense to me.  At the time, the relationships I was involved in did not feel loving.  What I felt was intensity from the desire of longing to be loved.  I was in the throes of the twisting and turning and chasing and pulling on relationships with the hopes of some kind of felt sense of belonging.
In relationships I used to be what I call a stage 5 cling on – I could not be alone – I had to be in a relationship all of the time.  I displayed a very anxious attachment style.  I took others hostage and boarded what I call Crazy Train – in hopes of traveling to a fantasyland of love.
So, when I was told I had this condition called love addiction what was the cure?  I was instructed to stay out of relationships, call myself a love addict, and magically stop connecting sexually to feel loved.  Don’t dare draw attention to myself and definitely pretty down.  I might as well have disappeared.  The loneliness from this prescription of what was supposed to be helpful was painful and now I definitely felt like I was going to die.
What I really always wanted was to love and be loved and now I can’t even do that because I am addicted to Love?  Very confusing.  So now, I didn’t get to love.  I didn’t deserve to love – instead, I was told I had to stay out of LOVE and was addicted to it.
What I know today is that it was not love that I was addicted to.  When I was calling someone’s cell phone 38 times in a row and driving by their house to make sure they were home and not lying to me was nowhere near being in a state of consciousness of love.  When one is in love – there is a reverence present – a level of respect that is honored and one is held in high regard. What I was in engaged in was drama driven relationships fueled by intensity (what does intensity feel like?), not intimacy.  I had no idea what love was.  The transparency, trust and a felt sense of belonging that love commands were foreign to me.  How could I be addicted to something I had never allowed myself to experience?  I had no self-esteem and I was addicted to chasing unavailable people.
I was in a state of consciousness called desire.  This desire created a constant craving and I was enslaved to this process and it ruled my every breath.  I would be thrown into withdrawal from the crazy relationships that I would choose on a regular basis.  It was never ever enough and life was always disappointing.
Let me break this down:
When I was 3 years old, my father, drowned.  We were there and it was tragic.  My mother dealt with my father’s death by using alcohol as a survival pattern so basically, my childhood was laced with abandonment.  This was the energy that fueled my relationships and formed how I would attach to others.  Translation: DON’T LEAVE ME.
When I was a teenager, my mother died from her own lack of self-care and alcoholism.  I rebelled and was a force to be reckoned with.  I came at life full force with guns a blazing.  My spirited adolescence energy stayed with me for a very long time.  I was emotionally immature and easily persuaded if you gave me a place to belong.
I lived with untreated trauma and a deep-rooted abandonment button that created this never-ending desire that burned deep in my soul.  The best way I can describe this feeling is unmet longing.
I desperately wanted a do-over – so I unconsciously sought out relationships that ignited this unmet longing and tried to prove to myself that I was enough by taking these relationships hostage in an honest attempt to get chosen and somehow belong and feel loved.
I was satisfied with crumbs and was constantly affected by unrealistic expectations of others. Managing and tolerating my feelings felt impossible at times. I had a pain body root of abandonment and it was activated on a daily basis.
When I was growing up after my Father’s death, my Mom was emotionally not available.  Every year there was one exception – my birthday.  On my birthday, my mom would greet me with a smile and a happy birthday kiss.  It was a day where I didn’t have to act out, throw a fit, and scream and cry to get attention.  Instead, I got the loving attention every kid deserves. I felt special. No matter how old I was, Savannah – the name I call the inner child in me — felt special.
Two things happened that day every year:
First, I got to pick the dinner which was steamed clams with melted butter.  I felt important over the fuss created in finding the fresh clams.
Second, was the beautiful cake my mom would bake for me.  From scratch.  My birthday is in December, a few weeks before Christmas and I always got an angel food cake with white frosting and candy canes and red gumdrops on top.  Candyland happened to be my favorite game as a child.
Every year, when she brought that cake to the table, Candyland came to life. My life felt joyous and loving–one of the rare moments I was not either on full alert or in complete despair.
Many years later when I was in my late 20’s, I met a caring man who was doing his best to show up for me.
One evening, shortly after we started dating, I opened up to him.  I told him about my mom and the birthday cake.  I hadn’t talked about the cake with anyone since my 17th birthday when she forgot to make the cake and then died 6 days later.
I described the angel food cake with candy canes and gumdrops on top and explained to this man that it was the one time I could count on my Mom to show up for me.  He listened and I felt safe being vulnerable with him about my past.  He told me about his own experiences with an alcoholic mother and we bonded in our trauma storylines.  So, we got engaged.
This pattern of opening up to another person early on in a relationship and then pinning huge expectations on that person to be responsible for my emotions was familiar.  At that moment, I had no idea that I was grooming him to recreate a pattern of pain from my childhood in hopes of that do-over.
Not much later after telling him that story, my birthday rolled around and we made plans to go out to dinner that night.  During the workday, I had received warm chocolate chip cookies with a birthday card delivered to my office by a bike messenger.  I felt special and looked forward to an evening of celebration.
Later that evening, he knocked on my door and was standing there with a pink cake box. The sensation running through my veins felt like a drug – and at that moment, the unmet longing hole was filled.  I was seen.  Subconsciously, Candyland, gumdrops, the perfect cake, the perfect man – all of it – the good memories, the felt sense of being seen created a warm sensation throughout my body.  It is moments in time like this for people that have unresolved trauma in our bodies where we want to freeze time and stay there longer.
I took the cake box from his hands, I opened the box with excitement and inside that pink box was a *^<#ing Carrot Cake.  I froze.  I could not think at that moment and my painbody wound was activated.
I can remember his smile vanishing as I went into full hostage taking, guns a blazing mode.  It’s like being in an emotional blackout only there are no drugs involved.  How could he not bring home the angel food cake with the candy canes and gumdrops?  Didn’t he hear me?  Doesn’t he see me?  Didn’t he understand?  The card and chocolate chip cookies were a distant memory…and this poor guy didn’t stand a chance.  He went to a bakery after work to get me a birthday cake–simple, thoughtful, and kind.  The idea of an emotional explosion over a carrot cake probably sounds silly to most of you.
When you get emotionally activated, you make it about something else because the unresolved trauma is pushed down so deep.  As Travis Meadows sings in his song Sideways – push it down it comes out sideways… and on that night – it sure came out sideways.  I ruined my own birthday and of course, blamed him for it.  This is the behavior that I was addicted to.  I was unconsciously causing drama to recreate the trauma to have a corrective experience.  I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that.  I didn’t know how to PIVOT when my pain got activated.  The end result is disconnected, and often failed relationships.
I’d like to emphasize something.
The simple act of becoming AWARE of the wounds and behaviors as they are
happening is an ENORMOUS first step.
So, as I just explained, I was not addicted to love.  I was addicted to the drama and the desire of the fight to find love.  Healthy, unconditional love is boring for those of you fighting the wrong fight in hopes of winning.
What I know is that people can and do change – AND you can learn to attach securely in relationships.  I know – because I have done just that.
Today I stand in front of you as a Healthy Adult who is not afraid to be vulnerable.  I am sensitive and I can name that.  I have learned to be responsible for my own emotions and choose connection over conflict.  I have learned to have good internal boundaries and how to manage my pain body when it is activated.
I now work with others to help them learn to PIVOT toward self-care and self-efficacy so that we can stop the violence and pain caused by wounded hearts.
For those of you who identify with what I am saying I want you to know – you are not crazy – you are simply riding what I call the Crazy Train and you can de-board.  You can learn how to be responsible for your emotions and stand in relational alignment…a term that I created which means when your mind thinks in alignment with how your heart feels and you have the courage to take healthy action with your feet, you have achieved a verticality that is honest, ethical, and authentic to who you are.
In closing, my invitation to the Behavioral Health Community is to stop using the term Love Addiction.  We need to stop shaming those who long for love by telling them they are addicted to it.  Let’s please stop using the term love addiction and call it attachment dysregulation.
If you find that you are suffering from attachment dysregulation and considering getting out of a relationship that feels addictive, there is help. I started PIVOT, a relational alignment group and have been training advocates which consists of therapists and coaches to help you transition out of unhealthy relationships and teach you what relationships are healthy for you based on who you are and where you come from.
If you are currently looking to end a relationship, I encourage you to consider taking the steps listed below:
1. Identify and evaluate the relationship from the Whole Perspective
At PIVOT, we use the Whole Perspective concept as a tool to look at a relationship foundation from more than just what is getting triggered emotionally.  It will eliminate fantasy and put you into reality quickly.  The Whole Perspective consists of five components; spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and financial.
2. Get the right support
If you are seeing a therapist, make sure they are skilled working with attachment and family of origin issues.  You may benefit from getting your own PIVOT advocate.  While you are gearing up for possible relational withdrawal, you will need support if you decide to pull the plug.
3. Observe the relationship
Learn to be a good observer.  Often we “think” we know what is going on as we evaluate a relationship while in emotional crisis.  If you are playing defense and defending your position in the relationship while in emotional pain, you cannot see reality.  I suggest that you get a notebook and at the start of every day BEFORE you engage with anyone, take a few minutes and write down what the relationship consisted of the previous day.  You will soon see your own patterns and get a really good idea of what is happening in your relationship.
4. Identify the Core – Wound
Work with a professional and find the reason why this pain is so deeply rooted.  If you experienced abandonment and neglect like in my story above – someone ending a relationship with you is going to be considerably harder.  You also may stay in relationship due to a codependent relationship with a mentally ill parent.  Your storyline is unique and you must understand what is going to activate your old wounds.
5. Create a self-care plan
How will you take care of yourself based on the Whole Perspective?  What do you need to prepare yourself for if you leave this relationship?  Are there any financial realities that need to be considered and managed?  Do you have a physical outlet to help with the anxiety and depression that may surface temporarily after the relationship is over?  What kind of spiritual guidance can help?  Are you able to take some time for yourself to begin to heal emotionally?  Any new intellectual interests you can engage in to give your mind something new to focus on?
6. Make a decision
If you followed these steps, you will be in a much better position to decide to stay or leave the relationship.  If you leave, it will sting and you will now have valuable information that can help continue to inform you that you made the right decision.  Remember this is not a straight line and there will be days when you will want to go back.  And, if you do decide to stay and give it another try, you will have a lot more information that may help you in couples counseling.
Remember that YOU have to take care of YOU.  When we allow others to be responsible for our emotions, we rob ourselves of emotional intelligence and personal growth and create a dependency that looks and feels like an addiction to others.  PIVOT toward yourself – heal your wounds – and then you can attach securely to others as a healthy adult!
By: Lori Jean Glass