lorijeanglass ellipse icons

Category: Relational Healing

When a Relationship Ends and Your Body Still Holds On

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

There’s something haunting about the way Taylor Swift sings, “I remember it all too well.”  It’s not just memory, it’s something your body gets pulled back into.

The kind where your body doesn’t seem to understand that something is over. Where a look, a place, a moment can bring everything rushing back like it’s happening again. And for some people, that’s not poetic, it’s physiological. Because when you carry deep attachment wounds, you don’t just remember relationships, you re-experience them. And when they end, it doesn’t feel like loss. It feels like something inside of you has been reopened.

There are people who go through a breakup, and then there are people who aren’t just going through it; they’re reliving something. From the outside, it can look the same. A relationship ends. Someone leaves. Something falls apart. But for some people, this is not an ending. It’s an eruption.

This is not heartbreak. This is something being reactivated.

When a client carries deep abandonment or neglect wounds, the end of a relationship doesn’t stay in the present. It reaches back.

It pulls forward everything unresolved, everything unmet, everything that was never held, never processed, never understood. And when that happens, the body doesn’t say: “This relationship is over.” The body says: “This is happening again.”

And the response is immediate. Tight chest. Racing thoughts. Loss of appetite or inability to stop eating. Sleeplessness. Panic. A deep, aching sense that something is very wrong.

This is not intellectual. This is physiological. This is what I’ve called an attachment storm: a full-body activation that makes no sense to the thinking mind but total sense to the nervous system.  

Not Everyone Withdraws. Some Reattach.

We often talk about withdrawal as the aftermath. But that’s only part of the story. Because for many clients, the pain is so intolerable…they cannot be alone with it.  

So instead of withdrawing, they reattach. Quickly. Urgently. Sometimes desperately. They find themselves back with the same person they know isn’t right, or in a new relationship they don’t actually want.

And if you listen closely, what they’re really saying is:

“I don’t care who it is. I just can’t feel like this.”

This is not about love. This is about relief.

People move quickly from one relationship to another to avoid the pain of being alone. The behavior can look compulsive, an urgency to attach, a difficulty tolerating separation, or a pattern of reaching for connection to regulate overwhelming emotion. In that way, it mirrors addiction. 

Just calling it addiction can also be misleading and, for some, deeply shaming. Because love is not the problem. The desire for connection is not the problem. In fact, it’s one of the most human, beautiful, and essential parts of being alive. What we’re really seeing is a relationship to pain that hasn’t yet been understood. And when we reduce that to a label alone, we risk missing the deeper truth: these are people who aren’t chasing love, they’re trying to escape the unbearable feeling of losing it.

There’s another version of this that doesn’t get talked about enough, and that’s when two people are still in the relationship, but they’re caught in the storm together. The threat of the relationship ending gets expressed, but they don’t leave. They don’t resolve. And over time, something subtle but significant begins to happen; they become more and more distant from one another.

When attachment repair hasn’t been done, even a small threat to the relationship can feel massive. One partner’s insecurity or fear gets activated. The other partner feels it and reacts. What might look like a manageable conflict from the outside quickly escalates into something much deeper, old wounds of abandonment, neglect, not being seen, not being chosen. And instead of moving toward each other, they begin to protect themselves from each other. The storm passes, but nothing actually gets repaired. So the distance remains… and quietly grows.

The Oscillation: anxious to depressed.

There’s another pattern that’s harder to name in withdrawal, and I see it in clients all the time. This is what I call The Swing.

One day: Anxious, Activated, Reaching, Trying to fix, Solve, Reconnect

The next: Shut down, Numb, Disconnected, Hopeless

This fluctuation can be so intense that even the people closest to them say, “You don’t seem like yourself.” And the truth is, they’re not. Because when the system is this dysregulated, identity becomes unstable. 

Add in medication changes, which are often introduced in the middle of this storm, you can see what looks like a complete personality shift.  But underneath it all, the driver is the same: A system trying to survive pain that it does not yet know how to process. I’m not suggesting that meds aren’t helpful; however, it’s important that the prescriber understands attachment wounds and the medications you are on allow you to feel and work through the withdrawal process. 

There is also the experience of being in relationship with someone who is in that swing. One moment, they’re reaching for you, needing reassurance, closeness, connection. Next, they’re shut down, distant, or emotionally unavailable. And if you’re the partner on the receiving end of that, it can feel disorienting. You don’t know which version of them you’re going to get. You may start questioning yourself about what you said, what you did, and what you missed. You may try harder, pull back, or walk on eggshells just to keep things steady. But the truth is, you didn’t create the swing, and you can’t regulate it for them. 

Without understanding what’s actually happening beneath the surface, both people can end up exhausted, misunderstood, and alone… experiencing withdrawal even while still in the relationship.

Relational withdrawal: a painful reality few understand

For those who go through withdrawal, let’s be clear: This is not peaceful. This is not a clean, grounded step back. This often feels like:

  • Emptiness
  • Loneliness that borders on panic
  • Questioning everything
  • Losing interest in things that once mattered

Clients will say:

“I feel like I’m in a dark hole.”

And that’s the right language. Because this phase, when done consciously, is what many describe as a dark night of the soul. Not because something is wrong. But because something is being stripped away. The illusions. The patterns. The ways they’ve been relating that no longer work.

This is the part most people want to skip

They want relief. They want the pain to stop. They want to feel like themselves again.

There’s something else happening right now that I think is important to name. Many people are turning to psychedelics in search of relief, hoping for a breakthrough, an emotional release, a way to finally access and discharge the pain they’ve been carrying. And for some, those experiences can feel profound. They can open something. They can create insight. If the journey is not facilitated by a guide with experience in internal family systems or attachment work, the insight, without integration, doesn’t change your life. And a moment of emotional release is not the same as sustainable change.

If you don’t understand what shifted, if you don’t know how to regulate yourself when the feeling comes back, and it will, you can find yourself right back in the same place, looking for the next experience to take you out of it again. The work isn’t just accessing the wound. The work is learning how to stay with yourself once you are sitting with the activation again.

Here’s the truth: If you bypass this phase, you will recreate the same relationship in a different form. Because the pattern is still intact.

This is where change becomes possible

What this phase is actually asking of someone is profound: It’s asking them to stay. Not in the relationship. But in themselves.

To begin to:

  • Feel what they’ve spent years avoiding
  • See the patterns that have been running their life
  • Understand how their past is shaping their present choices
  • Build the capacity to regulate without reaching for immediate relief

This is not fast work. And it’s not easy. For someone with deep attachment wounds, being alone in their own emotional experience can feel like abandonment itself.

Time is not the enemy here

One of the most important things to understand is this process takes time. Not because something is wrong. But because something real is happening. You are:

  • Rewiring how you attach
  • Rebuilding your sense of self
  • Learning to tolerate feelings you’ve never been taught to hold

That doesn’t happen in a weekend. Our brains are pattern-seeking devices, and we need to participate in that rewiring. Knowing that the storm will move through and learning how to lean into it and prepare for its return changes everything. Over time, you do learn that you DO have the right equipment to weather the storm. 

And when people rush this, when they jump back into relationships, numb out, or override their experience, they interrupt the very process that would set them free. 

Who you surround yourself with matters more than ever

During this phase, sensitivity is at an all-time high. Everything lands deeper. Everything matters more. And this is where people can either move toward healing…or reinforce their patterns.

Because if they are surrounded by people who:

  • Minimize their experience
  • Push them to “move on.”
  • Encourage distraction over understanding
  • Or worse, benefit from their dysregulation

…it will keep them stuck. What they need instead is:

  • Grounded, emotionally responsible support
  • People who don’t over-function or under-show up
  • Environments where they can be honest without being judged or rescued
  • Time with yourself to begin having healthy, corrective experiences that aren’t dependent on another romantic relationship

In this phase, they are learning to rebuild trust in themselves.

Support groups can be incredibly valuable during this time. There is something deeply human about sitting in a room with others who are also in pain, who understand, who relate, who can say, “me too.” That kind of shared experience can reduce isolation in a powerful way. It’s also important to understand that not everyone in that room is experiencing the same storm. The origin of the wound is often different. The intensity of the activation is different. The patterns driving behavior are different. 

So while advice is often shared with the best of intentions, not all of it will apply to you. And the challenge is that during this phase, your ability to think clearly and discern what’s right for you is often compromised by the very activation you’re in.

For example, someone who goes into withdrawal after being raised in an engulfing environment will often need something very different than someone whose system was shaped by abandonment. The behaviors may look similar on the surface, but what’s driving them, and what will actually help, are not the same.

I found myself in a storm decades ago and reached for support. I had a sponsor in a 12-step program who helped me begin to understand the abandonment and unmet longing I felt after a breakup. But what I didn’t yet see was that I wasn’t just grieving the relationship, I was carrying the loss of my father from a very young age. I was trying to replace something that could never be replaced, and it was driving me into relationships that were almost guaranteed to fail.

At the same time, I was working with another sponsor in a different program to address what looked like codependency with the man who had just left. But underneath that was something else entirely; growing up with an alcoholic mother had shaped my inability to trust relationships in the first place.

The problem wasn’t the support. It was that I didn’t yet understand how these pieces fit together. The messages were fragmented, and instead of clarity, I felt more confused, trying to make sense of something my system didn’t yet know how to organize.

And underneath all of it was one question that wouldn’t let go:

Why?

Why did I do what I did?
Why didn’t he want me back?
Why am I like this?

This is why having someone who truly understands attachment, can see what’s happening beneath the surface, and can help you navigate it in real time can make all the difference. Not to replace community, but to ensure you’re not trying to find your way through something this complex without a clear and grounded guide. The complexities with each individual story vary. For some, they need to have contact with someone who wounded them because they have children, shared assets, etc. 

What this means for you

If you are here, in the withdrawal, in the reaching, in the confusion, I want you to know that you are not lost. You are in the middle of something. Something that feels like it’s taking you apart…but is actually asking you to come back to yourself.

This part takes time. It will feel unfamiliar. At times, it will feel unbearable. And you will be tempted to leave it; to distract, to attach, to override what’s happening inside of you. 

But if you can stay…if you can let this season do what it’s here to do, you won’t come out the same. You’ll come out clearer. More grounded. More honest about what you need, what you choose, and what you will no longer tolerate. And most importantly, you will learn not to abandon yourself. 

What begins to change everything is when you start to understand that it’s not just “you” reacting, it’s parts of you. Parts that learned, at different stages of your life, how to survive loss, disconnection, and unmet need. And when those parts get activated, they don’t need to be silenced or pushed away; they need to be seen, understood, and repaired. Whether you are alone in withdrawal or sitting across from someone you love and struggling to stay connected, the work is the same: learning to turn toward yourself rather than abandoning yourself in the moments that matter most. 

This is where real strength is built. Not in avoiding the darkness, but in learning how to find yourself inside of it. To stay. To listen. To respond differently. And over time, to realize you are not as lost as you thought. You are becoming someone who can walk through the dark and still find your way back to your own light.

There’s a line in Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising, “Come on up to the rising.” The song was written in the aftermath of collective loss, and it speaks to something deeper than grief; it speaks to what it takes to stand back up inside of yourself after you’ve been brought to your knees. And this is what I’ve witnessed over and over again in people as they move through an attachment storm. At some point, the reaching stops, the running slows, and there’s a moment, often quiet, often hard, where they begin to turn inward instead of outward. Not to collapse, but to meet themselves. To feel what’s there. To stay. To rise, not by escaping the pain, but by becoming someone who can hold it. 

That’s the rising. It’s not external. It is internal. And when it happens, it changes everything.

We’re Focusing on the Wrong Problem

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

This perspective refuses the cultural habit of blaming men or blaming women. Relationships don’t succeed or fail because of gender; they succeed or fail based on the maturity, self-awareness, and integrity of the individuals involved.

When we label men as narcissistic or avoidant and women as controlling or emotional, we erase the complexity of human beings and replace understanding with stereotypes. This way of looking at relationships brings the conversation back to the individual: the patterns we carry, the choices we make, and the responsibility we take for how we show up in relationships. Because transformation doesn’t happen when genders argue. It happens when individuals grow.

Many of the expectations men and women bring into relationships were not consciously chosen; they were inherited. Each generation receives powerful messaging about what men and what women are supposed to be: who leads, who nurtures, who sacrifices, who provides, who holds emotion, and who suppresses it. These messages shape beliefs about roles long before individuals ever enter a relationship. But generational messaging is not destiny. This perspective invites individuals to step back from inherited scripts and ask a more important question: Which of these expectations actually align with who I am, and how I want to show up in relationships today?

We shouldn’t start with men or women as the problem. We need to start looking at the individual human being. Most conversations about relationships today are built on a flawed premise: If we can explain gender, we can explain people.

But gender categories are blunt tools. They may describe trends, yet they fail to explain how relationships happen between individuals, not statistics.

Instead of asking: What’s wrong with men? What’s wrong with women?

We need to ask a far more useful question: What is happening inside this individual that is shaping how they show up in relationship with self and others?

Why Gender Blame Fails

The moment a framework says men are X or women are Y, several problems emerge: people stop being curious and assume they already understand the other person. Individuals disappear inside stereotypes. A thoughtful man gets labeled avoidant. A thoughtful woman gets labeled emotional. Defensiveness replaces responsibility. Instead of self-reflection, people argue their category. And the real drivers go unexplored. History, emotional maturity, fears, habits, coping strategies, and integrity shape behavior far more than gender.

Gender narratives may create tribes, but they rarely create understanding. What makes the manosphere controversial isn’t that it gives men a voice; it’s that it often frames women as the cause of men’s struggles. That kind of framing oversimplifies complex human dynamics and fuels polarization. The reality is, relationships don’t improve when genders blame each other. They improve when individuals take responsibility for how they show up.

And, if you wonder why people today are stepping away from traditional gender labels or choosing to be referred to as “they”, it’s not simply to reject identity, but to create space from expectations that never fully fit them. For some, gender categories have felt limiting, tied to roles, traits, or assumptions they don’t experience as true to who they are. For others, it’s less about redefining gender and more about being seen first as a person, not a preset role.

This perspective doesn’t need to resolve or debate identity to stay grounded in its work. It recognizes that behind every label, or decision to step outside of one, is an individual seeking to be understood on their own terms and what is true for them. And the same principle applies: real connection is built not by assuming who someone is based on a category, but by being willing to understand the individual in front of you. Then, if desired, change can happen.

What This Perspective Looks At

This way of understanding relationships examines the person behind the behavior. Instead of gender explanations, the focus is on:

  • Self-awareness: Does this person understand themselves?
  • Emotional maturity: Can they regulate and take responsibility?
  • Integrity: Do their actions align with their words?
  • Relational skills: Can they communicate, listen, and repair conflict?
  • Life history: What shaped their messaging and survival patterns?
  • Choice patterns: What do they repeatedly choose?

These factors exist in every human being, regardless of gender.

Why This Matters

When gender becomes the explanation, people stop evolving. When the individual becomes the focus, something different happens: 

People gain the power to ask:

  • Where am I reactive?
  • What patterns do I bring into relationships?
  • Where do I need to grow?

That’s where real change begins. Men are not the problem. Women are not the problem. Unexamined patterns are the problem.

When people learn to understand themselves clearly and take responsibility for how they show up, relationships stop being battles between groups and become partnerships between two conscious, healthy adults.

Let’s restore the conversation back to where it belongs: Not “Who’s to blame?” Instead, “How do I become a healthier adult in relationship?” That shift, from blaming to developing individuals, is where transformation actually happens.

This perspective does not treat men or women as the problem. Gender may shape experiences, but it does not define maturity or the ability to love well. When we reduce relationship struggles to gender narratives, we lose sight of the person standing in front of us. It brings the focus back to the individual, their self-awareness, emotional maturity, integrity, and patterns in relationships. Healthy relationships are not created by fixing men or fixing women. They are created by individuals willing to grow, take an honest inventory of their past, and, with courage, consistently and consciously choose different, healthier behaviors.

Separation in Relationship: What to Know and How to Cope

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Separation in relationship is a gut-wrenching crossroads, where the weight of what’s lost crashes into the uncertainty of what’s next. It’s the empty chair where your partner once sat, the quiet that replaces shared laughter, and the jarring shift from “we” to “me.” Whether you’re reeling from the end or the one pushing for it, the emotional toll is undeniable—grief, doubt, and fear of future intimacy tangle together, making every step feel heavy. Yet, you’re not alone in this; countless others have faced this storm and emerged stronger.

But here’s the hope: this doesn’t have to be the end. Relationships can heal—sometimes a couples intensive or honest effort can bridge the gap. And if not, there are healthy ways to let go, to rebuild yourself, and to find peace or even love again. In this article, we’ll dive into what separation really means, how to navigate its emotional maze, and the practical steps others have taken to mend what’s broken or move forward with grace—starting with rediscovering you.

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

Separating from your relationship means taking a break to reflect on the partnership and personal needs. It’s an emotionally tough step that can lead to reconciliation or signal the end, like a breakup or divorce. Yet, it also offers a chance for growth and clarity.

For example, a temporary separation might help partners tackle personal struggles—think stress or burnout—aiming to reunite stronger. On the flip side, a separation as a prelude to divorce often hints at deeper, unresolved issues.

Separation comes in different flavors:

  • Trial Separation: A structured, temporary split where partners live apart but stay legally married, often hoping to reconcile with clear rules like counseling.
  • Permanent Separation: An ongoing break, usually a step toward divorce, without rushing to legally end the marriage.
  • Legal Separation: A formal, court-backed setup where partners stay married but sort out assets, debts, and responsibilities.

Though challenging, going down this path can deliver a fresh perspective, letting the relationship reassess things calmly. It doubles as emotional breathing room, easing tension and sparking personal growth. It’s a rough road, but it can guide couples toward healthier futures.

What Are The Things To Consider Before Separating?

Sometimes, only one person wants to separate. It can be as simple as your spouse saying they need space. Or they may want a longer break from the emotional turmoil that has become your relationship.

You may be the one who’d like to take a break from the relationship. Perhaps you’re exhausted from holding your failing relationship together and need distance. If you’re thinking about separating from your partner, consider your options before you make a decision.

Here are six key things to weigh before deciding. Being on the same page with your partner about the terms of separation is crucial for mutual understanding and agreement on how to proceed.

6 Things To Consider Before Separation

Separation is a significant step with emotional and practical implications. Even if it feels necessary, it’s important to prepare for the challenges ahead. These six considerations can help you approach the process thoughtfully, protecting both you and everyone involved.

1. Understand Why You’re Going 

Be clear about your reasons for to go through with this. For instance, if constant arguments about finances are overwhelming, recognize that. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand if this is a temporary frustration or a deeper issue. Honestly evaluating your feelings and beliefs about the relationship will provide clarity and guide your decision, helping your partner understand your perspective.

2. Know Where You’re Going

Plan your logistics in advance. Decide who will move out and where you’ll stay, whether it’s with friends, family, or a rental. Make a list of shared responsibilities like bills and pet care, and discuss the details early to avoid conflicts. A clear plan reduces stress and keeps the focus on emotional healing.

3. Talk Everything Through

Have an honest conversation with your partner about your decision. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I need space to think.” Prepare key points in advance to stay calm and focused during the discussion. Establish guidelines for communication, including how to handle text messages, to ensure the process is constructive and does not lead to further complications or emotional turmoil. This approach fosters understanding and sets a respectful tone for the separation. 

4. Set The Rules

Establish clear boundaries for your separation, such as no dating others or regular check-ins. Consider writing them down together as an informal agreement to avoid misunderstandings. This structure helps both of you reflect without added stress and prevents mixed signals during the break.

5. Be Gentle

If you’re initiating the separation, be kind and empathetic. Acknowledge and respect your partner’s feelings and avoid blame. For example, say, “I know this is hard, and I’m sorry for the pain it causes.” Gentleness eases the emotional impact and keeps communication open.

6. Be Open To All Emotions

Expect a range of emotions, from relief to sadness. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Journaling or joining a support group can help you process these feelings and address any worry you may have, guiding your next steps. Embracing your emotions will clarify whether to reconcile or move forward separately.

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

If your partner brings up separation, brace for a wave of emotions. At first, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and struggle emotionally in that critical moment. You might face separation anxiety and a mix of tough, painful feelings before regaining your balance. But there are constructive ways to handle this—you can view it as a chance to grow and see your relationship differently.

7 Stages Of Separation

7 common stages of relationship separation infographic copyright lovetopivot.com

Although our emotional reactions are highly individual, there are some stages that most individuals go through after feeling stuck in their unwilling and unexpected relationship separation. All in all, there are seven common stages of separation, and it is crucial to make well-considered decisions rather than impulsively decided ones.

1. Denial

Denial is refusing to accept that your relationship is over, often clinging to familiar patterns. You might act as if the separation isn’t happening, hoping things will magically fix themselves.

  • Symptoms:
    • Avoiding breakup conversations.
    • Maintaining routines, like cooking for two.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal daily to gently face reality.
    • Confide in a trusted friend for support.

Alex couldn’t admit their marriage was over, leaving their partner’s clothes in the closet. Writing daily reflections helped them start accepting the change.

2. Anger

Anger brings intense frustration, often aimed at your ex or the situation. It can spill over, straining other relationships or clouding your judgment.

  • Symptoms:
    • Snapping at friends or family.
    • Feeling a constant edge of rage.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Channel energy into exercise, like running.
    • Express yourself through art or writing.

Sarah felt furious after her split, lashing out at friends. Joining a dance class turned her anger into energy, helping her regain calm.

3. Guilt

Guilt involves blaming yourself for the separation, obsessing over past mistakes. It can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the breakup alone.

  • Symptoms:
    • Replaying “what if” scenarios.
    • Feeling regret over past conflicts.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice self-kindness with affirmations.
    • Write a forgiving letter to yourself.

Jamie agonized over ending their relationship, thinking they’d failed. A self-forgiveness letter eased their burden over time.

4. Fear

Fear sparks anxiety about what lies ahead—being alone, financial struggles, or change. It can keep you up at night, amplifying uncertainty.

  • Symptoms:
    • Racing thoughts about the future.
    • Trouble sleeping or focusing.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Lean on friends or family for reassurance.
    • Plan one day at a time to feel in control.

Taylor panicked about living alone after separation. Talking with a friend and making a simple daily schedule eased their anxiety. 

5. Grief

Grief is the deep sadness of losing your shared life. It can hit hard, leaving you mourning the past and what might have been.

  • Symptoms:
    • Frequent crying or feeling empty.
    • Missing your partner’s presence.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal to process your emotions.
    • Join a support group to share the load.

Jordan missed their ex’s laughter, grieving late at night. Journaling those feelings helped them slowly work through the loss.

6. Re-invention

Re-invention is rediscovering yourself outside the relationship. It’s exciting but daunting as you explore new interests or goals.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling unsure about new ventures.
    • Excitement mixed with hesitation.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Set small goals, like trying a hobby.
    • Celebrate wins to build confidence.

Casey felt lost post-separation but took up gardening. Growing their first plants sparked a new sense of purpose. 

7. Acceptance

Acceptance means finding peace with the separation. You feel ready to embrace life again, with a lighter heart.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling calmer and more hopeful.
    • Readiness to move forward.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice mindfulness, like deep breathing.
    • Reflect on lessons learned.

Riley struggled for months but eventually felt okay. Daily breathing exercises helped them welcome a fresh start.

These stages aren’t linear—you might revisit some. Take your time, and you’ll find your way forward.

Frequently Asked Questions About Separation in Relationships

1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?

Separation means living apart, which can be temporary or permanent, while still legally married, offering a chance to reconcile. Divorce legally ends the marriage, making both parties single and able to remarry. This distinction helps clarify next steps, with separation often seen as a middle ground for reflection.

2. How long should a trial separation last?

Experts often suggest a trial separation lasts 3 to 6 months, giving both partners space to reflect and decide. Setting a clear end date and terms ensures clarity and prevents confusion, aligning with the need for structure during separation.

3. How to cope with separation when children are involved?

Prioritize children’s well-being by maintaining routines, co-parenting effectively, and seeking family therapy. Honest, age-appropriate communication helps children express feelings and adjust to changes, addressing a significant gap in the article not covering parental responsibilities.

4. Can separation save a relationship?

Yes, separation can save a relationship by providing space for reflection and growth, especially with counseling. Both partners must be committed, though success isn’t guaranteed and varies by situation, complementing the article’s mention of reconciliation without detailed outcomes.

Join our Relationship Intimacy Retreat Workshop to navigate separation with expert support

Separation hurts, even if the relationship or the marriage was not emotionally fulfilling. First, any kind of separation causes a whirlwind of various emotions that you first have to deal with before learning how to actually cope with your separation and finding ways to recover from all the separation-induced resentment.

Long story short, breaking up is rarely a pretty sight and an easy endeavor, and separating from your partner will take a toll on your life. However, what’s important to know is that it’s not the end and that you’ll start feeling satisfied again. If you notice you’re struggling to get there, you can rely on the certified professionals at PIVOT for assistance.

pivot company logo with tagline

We have assembled a team of caring, empathetic, and experienced relationship advocates who can help you deal with the aftermath of your separation at our individual workshops or maybe help you and your partner find common ground again at our couple retreat. Whatever your choice is, know that we’ll do everything in our power to help you.

The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling: Impact and Solutions

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone you love, only to be met with cold, unyielding silence? That crushing moment when your words vanish into a void is stonewalling, and the emotional effects of stonewalling can leave you feeling rejected, alone, and unheard. Conflicts, from minor disagreements to major disputes, are a natural part of human relationships, shaping our stories and interactions.

Yet, conflicts can strengthen bonds when resolved with care. Every resolved dispute builds trust and resilience, making relationships worth fighting for. But when one person stonewalls, shutting down instead of engaging, it halts this process, leaving emotional wounds that can linger.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Both partners must work together to resolve conflicts. When one side withdraws completely, stonewalling not only blocks solutions but also deepens feelings of frustration and pain. Understanding its impact is the first step toward healing.

What Does Stonewalling Behavior Mean?

Stonewalling is a communication tactic where one person (“stonewaller”) completely withdraws from a situation or a conversation, creating a metaphorical “stone wall” between them and the person trying to communicate. This type of behavior isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships alone. Rather, it can occur in friendships, as well as professional and parent-child relationships, too.

While it may seem like a simple coping mechanism, aimed at avoiding conflict and difficult feelings, stonewalling can have severe emotional consequences for the recipient, leading to the question of if stonewalling is gaslighting. Emotional awareness is key in identifying and addressing these issues early. Over time, it can erode mutual trust and destroy the emotional bond that holds the relationship together. Intentional stonewalling, used as a manipulative behavior, can exert power and control over a partner, resulting in emotional abuse and neglect.

Finally, it is important to note that stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is employed consciously to manipulate, belittle, or humiliate the recipient. For this reason, and the fact that stonewalling is detrimental to everyone involved, it is important to understand its implications, as well as to seek support and help, preferably from a professional relationship coach or counselor, or trusted friends and family members.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Stonewalling In Romantic Relationships?

Without exaggeration, we can say that the emotional consequences of stonewalling can be devastating, both for the recipient and the relationship as a whole. It can make the person on the receiving end feel like their thoughts and feelings simply don’t matter. Like the effort and dedication they put in to connect with their partner and better the relationship is worth nothing, ultimately damaging the emotional connection.

Needless to say, this type of emotional withdrawal can leave a person feeling lonely, rejected, and invalidated. Over time, these feelings can lead to a full breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy which, in turn, can cause feelings of resentment and disconnection toward the stonewaller.

Additionally, when one partner withdraws from a conversation, it does nothing to help resolve the issue. Instead, it leaves the other feeling frustrated and unheard, which only causes increased tension and leads to more arguments, therefore escalating the conflict. Introducing meaningful conversation is crucial to address these challenges effectively.

This causes communication breakdowns where both individuals struggle to effectively express themselves, their needs, and their emotions, yet aren’t able to find any common ground. Ultimately, pent-up anger and frustration may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship which can (and often does) end up in a breakup, especially if the issue is left unattended.

couple experiencing effects of stonewalling

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Stonewalling can be a subtle weapon in gaslighting. When someone shuts down communication—like ignoring your texts during an argument—and later denies the issue even existed, it’s a double blow that leaves you questioning your reality. This overlap makes both tactics especially disorienting.

The emotional toll is heavy: stonewalling breeds frustration and helplessness, while gaslighting sows confusion and self-doubt. Together, they can erode trust and make you feel unheard or unstable. For example, imagine asking, “Why didn’t you respond?” only to hear, “I never saw your message,” despite clear evidence otherwise.

Quick Coping Tips

  • Set Boundaries: Calmly state your needs (e.g., “I need us to talk about this”).
  • Use ‘I’ Statements: Say “I feel ignored” to express yourself without escalating tension.
  • Seek Support: Talk to a friend or therapist to regain perspective.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: Key Differences and Overlaps

AspectStonewallingGaslightingOverlap
DefinitionWithdrawing from communicationManipulating someone’s sense of realityStonewalling can be used to gaslight
Emotional ImpactFrustration, helplessnessConfusion, self-doubt, loss of trustBoth erode trust and cause distress
ExampleIgnoring texts during an argumentDenying a conversation ever happenedStonewalling followed by denial

What Are The Emotional Effects Of Stonewalling?

Illustration of the emotional effects of stonewalling in relationships

The emotional effects of stonewalling can be profound and long-lasting, affecting different types of relationships in various ways:

  • In romantic relationships, when a partner withdraws, stonewalling can cause feelings of emotional isolation and disconnection. It can erode the trust and emotional connections between partners, creating a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction, which can ultimately lead to a breakup. Picture your partner shutting down mid-argument, refusing to respond as you plead for connection—this silence stings like rejection. For someone anxiously attached, the emotional effects of stonewalling can spark fears of being abandoned, deepening the hurt, and making them feel overwhelmed.
  • In parent-child relationships, stonewalling can create a sense of confusion and insecurity in the child. They may feel unheard, invalidated, unloved, and even insignificant. This can leave lasting emotional scars on the child’s psyche, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships in the future. Imagine a child asking why their parent is upset, only to get a blank stare in return—it’s like they’re invisible. If they crave closeness, this disconnection can feel overwhelming, planting seeds of self-doubt.
  • In friendships, stonewalling can create a sense of rejection and hurt, leaving the other person feeling excluded and unimportant. It can also trigger past traumas and emotional wounds, leading to further distress and emotional pain. Think of texting a friend about a falling-out, only to be ignored for days—it’s a gut punch of exclusion. For those with an avoidant attachment style, the emotional effects of stonewalling might push them to withdraw further, masking their own pain.
  • In professional relationships, stonewalling can lead to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and a lack of trust among colleagues, which can create a toxic work environment that cripples productivity and morale. Additionally, it can also prevent the resolution of conflicts and hinder problem-solving, leading to negative impacts on job performance and career advancement opportunities. Picture a coworker dodging your emails about a project dispute, leaving you in the dark—it breeds frustration and distrust. Even secure types might feel unsettled, as the silence disrupts teamwork and clarity.

It is crucial to note that stonewalling can leave lasting consequences to the recipient’s mental health, including persistent self-doubt and low self-esteem. In addition, it can exacerbate existing mental health conditions and, in some cases, cause the formation of various psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). The emotional toll of stonewalling is significant, leading to feelings of disrespect, loneliness, and emotional pain, which can ultimately damage the relationship beyond repair.

The following table summarizes how stonewalling impacts emotions across different relationships, highlighting its far-reaching effects:

Relationship TypeEmotional Effects of Stonewalling
RomanticIsolation, trust erosion, potential breakup
Parent-ChildConfusion, insecurity, feeling unheard, lasting scars
FriendshipsRejection, hurt, exclusion, triggers past traumas
ProfessionalCommunication breakdowns, toxic environment, frustration

Beyond the Silence: Key Questions on Stonewalling’s Emotional Impact

1. How does stonewalling impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?

Stonewalling blocks open communication, reducing emotional intimacy and trust. Partners may feel isolated, weakening their connection over time.

2. Why are men more likely to stonewall, and what does this mean for couples?

Research suggests that men may stonewall as a way to cope with emotional overwhelm, often due to differences in how they process emotions. A UC Berkeley study found that this behavior can lead to physical health issues, like back pain, particularly in men. This not only strains relationships emotionally—by shutting down communication—but can also take a physical toll on the stonewaller, adding complexity to the couple’s dynamic.

3. Can stonewalling be considered emotional abuse?

Yes, when used intentionally to control or punish, stonewalling becomes abusive, causing distress and feelings of invalidation.

4. How can couples heal from the emotional damage of stonewalling?

Healing involves open communication and therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, to rebuild trust and learn healthier conflict resolution.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Emotional Effects of Stonewalling

Attachment theory reveals how early relationships influence our responses to stonewalling. Each style—anxious, avoidant, ambivalent, or secure—shapes how we react to this behavior. Understanding your attachment style offers clarity for navigating these moments.

  • Anxious Attachment: Feels deep rejection and abandonment fears when stonewalled. May respond with anxiety, seeking reassurance or clinging.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Stonewalls to shield from emotional overwhelm. Still feels disconnection despite the self-protective silence.
  • Ambivalent Attachment: Swings between craving closeness and withdrawing. Feels confused or frustrated by stonewalling, unsure how to react.
  • Secure Attachment: Finds stonewalling disruptive but handles it with communication. May address it directly or explore its cause.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

[template_part_attachment_quiz]

Solutions for Stonewalling’s Emotional Effects

Stonewalling can feel like a wall between you and someone you care about, but there are ways to break through. Here are practical steps to address its emotional toll and rebuild connection:

  • Pause and Take Breaks: When emotions run high, agree to pause the conversation. Use a signal, like raising hands, and take a 20-minute break to cool off. This helps both of you return with clearer minds.
  • Practice Self-Soothing: Try deep breathing—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6—to calm stress. Visualizing a peaceful place can also ease the urge to shut down.
  • Enhance Communication: Listen actively by repeating back what your partner says to show understanding. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when we don’t talk,” to express feelings without blame.
  • Create a Safe Space: Set a weekly time for open, calm talks where both agree to listen without judgment. This reduces fear and encourages honest dialogue.

Start Healing from Stonewalling with PIVOT Today

Stonewalling can leave you feeling isolated and unheard, but you don’t have to face it alone. At PIVOT, our Glass House retreat offers a serene escape to focus on rebuilding trust and connection. Guided by certified relationship coaches, our therapeutic process helps you heal trauma, identify unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling, and build a clear path to lasting, healthy communication skills.

pivot company logo with tagline

Take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Contact PIVOT today for a consultation and discover how our tailored programs can transform your relationships.

Complacency in Relationships: Signs and How to Avoid It

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

You’re in a relationship. You’re feeling good about it. You love your partner. Your partner loves you back. You know each other well. You talk, your partner listens. Your partner talks, you listen back. You’re cozy. And it’s easy. And there are no challenges or outbursts. There’s love. Or at least you think and know there is. You’re just not feeling it in the same way you used to.

It’s almost as if love has been replaced with comfort, convenience, and security. You feel pleasant, however not great. There’s a fleeting sense, a brief moment when you feel something’s off and then it passes, and you’re back to the warm bliss of the familiar. You block off potential problems in your relationship and postpone the need to improve intimacy in a relationship. 

And you feel good again ignoring that voice in the back of your mind that craves a bit more fireworks. You’re taking your love life for granted and you seem to be enjoying it. However, falling prey to this kind of complacency in a relationship can end up being the very bane that brings havoc where there was harmony. Putting a stop to it is an important mission that will breathe new life into your relationship. How to do it? Begin with the basics and actively work to avoid complacency.

What Is Relationship Complacency?

What Is Relationship Complacency?

There’s a lot we hear about relationships and the different stages, issues, and problems. We all know about the honeymoon period, how you can make it last, and what to do when it inevitably ends. Or the seven-year itch that can occur in even the most loving of relationships and marriages. However, what about complacency?

Is complacency not a problem? Does it really affect relationships negatively and can being comfortable and complacent really cause such harm to both you and your relationship?

It is, especially because complacency is often mistaken for comfort. Being comfortable with your significant other is great. Being complacent is not that great. Complacency means gradually slipping into a false and often toxic comfort zone that prevents both you and your partner from enhancing your relationship, improving your communication, and taking each other for granted. 

Complacency comes in various forms, as do relationships. All couples are different and all couples that experience relationship complacency experience it in different ways. However, there’s one common line that defines complacency – putting less and less effort into your relationship and paying less and less attention to each other. 

What Are The Signs Of Complacency In A Relationship?

Still, complacency seems like simply a relationship that’s entered a bit of a rut. That’s easy enough to resolve, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. A rut requires a bit of action, adding a bit of dynamicity into your daily life, and stepping outside your comfort zone to engage in activities both you and your partner will enjoy. 

Complacency is more serious than rut. It breeds passivity and can provoke a wide range of increasingly negative feelings and harmful relationship traits that can lead to more significant problems, including a diminished sense of connection and excitement between partners.

This makes it really important to recognize the signs of complacency on time. You need to react before it roots itself within your relationship and starts causing problems that will only get tougher and tougher to deal with down the line. Some of the most common telltale signs of relationship complacency are: 

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?
  • Feelings of restlessness and boredom in the relationship and toward your partner
  • Lack of attention between you and your partner
  • Either experiencing or handing out criticism on a regular basis
  • Neglecting your own wellbeing and self-care
  • Experiencing a constant decline in your intimate activities
  • Fantasizing about others
  • Resorting to routine i-love-yous
  • Not organizing date nights like before
  • You and your partner not sharing individual experiences
  • You feel more and more distant from your partner
  • There is a significant lack of communication

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?

It’s easy to see why relationship complacency is a lot more serious than it seems and than people give it credit. In fact, complacency can often serve as the building block for numerous issues down the line if you and your partner decide not to work on it together. However, working on it can often be difficult and demanding. 

And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because your relationship requires work doesn’t mean there’s no love, affection, care, and dedication. It takes guts and strength to recognize that your relationship has become complacent and to talk with your partner about it. From there, you can try to tackle that complacency by doing the following: 

  • Adopt a new mindset that realizes and recognizes that relationships require active effort.
  • Compliment and take notice of each other to foster a deeper connection.
  • Set ample alone time for just the two of you.
  • Try to shake up your daily routine.
  • Engage in honest conversations with yourself and with your partner.
  • Become more curious about your partner.
  • Work on your emotions and physical intimacy.
  • Set clear goals for your relationship. 
  • Explore new activities you can do together.
  • Go your separate ways for a day and then tell each other all about it. 
  • Create a love map of your relationship that explains your dreams, hobbies, fears, and other traits you and your partner find important. 
  • Practice empathy together with your partner. 
  • Hold hands and hug each other. 
  • Try to put your phones away and just enjoy each other’s company. 

PIVOT Helps Improve Emotional and Physical Intimacy In Your Relationship By Resolving Intimacy Problems & Complacency

Falling into the trap of relationship complacency is easy and more common than you think. However, detecting the reasons behind your complacent relation with your partner and working to resolve your issues can be difficult and can lead you to question how strong you are and cause unwanted pressure within your relationship.

pivot company logo with tagline

We’re not gonna lie – dealing with any problem within your relationship, even one as seemingly small and easy-to-resolve as complacency is tough. It’s hard for you and your partner to look yourselves in the eye, admit problems, and start taking them head on. However, with healthy communication and real effort, everything’s manageable. At PIVOT, we recognize how challenging it can be for individuals and couples to end a complacent period, and we’re committed to helping you foster a relationship that thrives on connection and shared growth. That is why we’ve envisioned both specialized individual workshops for invigorating your life and couple workshops for helping you find the spark in your relationship again. Reach out to us today!

Emotional Distance: What It Is & What Causes It?

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

In healthy partnerships, you start out close—without any emotional distance. Over time, events or stresses can drive one or both partners to feel shut off. This growing emotional distance often shows up as avoiding heartfelt conversations or pulling away physically and mentally, leading to a loss of emotional connection. A common sign of emotional distance is the tendency to avoid discussions about emotions or the absence of physical affection. Once you start holding back your emotions, you start allowing anger to enter the relationship, which is a recipe for a quick end.

A common sign of emotional distance is the tendency to seek emotional needs outside of the relationship, which can further deteriorate the emotional connection. It’s not healthy to allow emotional distancing to fester in the relationship. You want to be aware of what emotional distancing is and what causes it, and try to detect the reasons behind you becoming emotionally distant. Emotional connection is crucial for intimacy and understanding between partners It’s always best to consult an experienced relationship advocate to help you, however you first need to know what and why it is happening to you.

What Is Emotional Distance?

Emotional distancing, or emotional detachment, is the inability of an individual to completely engage with their own feelings, or the feelings of others. Severe emotional distancing can start interfering with a person’s social, emotional, psychological, as well as physical development. 

Emotional distancing can be temporary, in response to a stressful or unpleasant situation, or ongoing, which appears in people who suffer from attachment disorders. Whatever kind of emotional distancing you’re experiencing, you should try and find professional assistance to help you cope with it and overcome it.

Common Symptoms of Emotional Distance

Some of the most common signs of emotional distancing, be it in a relationship or with loved ones, are the following:

  • Suffering from low self-esteem
  • Becoming completely ambivalent
  • Exhibiting very bad listening skills
  • Constantly challenging intimate relationships
  • Not opening up or having great difficulty doing so
  • Experiencing lack of verbal, physical, or sexual contact

These symptoms can lead to emotional disconnection, where unresolved issues and avoidance of conflicts further escalate the sense of emotional distance felt by both partners.

What Causes Emotional Distance in a Relationship?

What Causes Distance In A Relationship?

Emotional distancing in relationships can be caused by several different factors. Determining the cause behind you or your partner becoming emotionally distant is the first and vital step in overcoming such emotional problems.
Stress is another significant factor that can lead to emotional distancing, as extreme levels of stress can affect various aspects of life and relationships. Here are the most common causes of emotional distance in relationships:

  1. Alone time: Sometimes, it all begins with a benign reason as craving some alone time. If you or your partner do not have sufficient time to dedicate to yourselves, you should try discussing it honestly and finding some time for you and you alone.
  2. Emotional distress: If you or your partner have recently suffered severe emotional strain, it can be what triggered the act of emotional distancing. Experiencing extreme emotions can lead to an individual withdrawing and becoming emotionally distant for a time.
  3. Love lost: Sometimes, you or your partner are no longer as emotionally invested in your relationship as you used to be. Losing interest in the relationship, not putting enough effort and avoiding intimacy are different factors that can lead to problems with emotional attachment.
  4. Avoiding and pursuing: Sometimes, you can start feeling that your partner is too needy, or vice versa. This leads to taking an emotional step back which, in turn, leads to your partner pushing even harder for answers and explanations, which quickly turns into a vicious cycle of pushing and falling back, climaxing in complete emotional detachment. This can also effect your ability to to effectively express emotions.
  5. Criticism: When you or your partner begin to experience emotional distance, it can quickly become really hurtful. One of you will then start to become overly critical of the other, leading to emotional withdrawal and further emotional distancing. This withdrawal will make you feel even more distressed, which will lead to even more criticism, without an end in sight.

Whatever the causes and the reasons behind emotional distancing, it’s paramount that you consult an experienced relationship advocate to help you get through it all. Otherwise, you and your partner risk imprinting further emotional damage onto each other due to unresolved conflict.

woman emotional distance from family outside

What Does It Mean When You Distance Yourself From People?

Sometimes, the cause behind becoming emotionally distant is simply a lack of excitement in your life.
Losing hope in the relationship can also contribute to emotional distancing. As simple as this may sound, the feelings you’re experiencing are still hard and difficult to deal with.

Distancing yourself from people close to you, be they your partner, your family, or your friends, is never easy, and you may want to try to talk about it to change it. Engaging in a healing process that includes self-reflection and new activities can facilitate personal growth and positive thinking. Here’s what you can try to do when you feel that your life has become stale and that it’s causing you to take spend time alone, away from the important people in your life:

  1. Get a pet

    The affection pets show can help promote emotional bonding, and their natural excitability can help you find the excitement you’ve lost.

  2. Drives and walks

    Start taking long walks in beautiful settings, or start taking your car for drives through interesting and exciting scenery. Try to promote interaction with the environment to stop yourself from feeling dull and isolated.

  3. Learn a skill

    Try finding a new hobby, challenge yourself in fields you haven’t tried before, try to learn how to play an instrument. Find something to become engaged in, and let it embellish your daily life.

  4. Find new friends

    Sometimes, you need a fresh friendship to take you out of the rut you’re finding yourself in. They can show you new experiences, open you up to new events, and show you a completely different side of life.

  5. Consult a professional

    Finally, if all else fails, consult an experienced advocate who can help you cope with and overcome the emotional problems you’re facing.

Why Am I Distancing Myself From My Partner?

If you notice that you’re starting to emotionally distance yourself from your partner more and more, it’s time to take a look at some of the reasons why that might be happening. There are three main reasons why you might be distancing yourself from your partner:

  1. Prolonged distance: Couples go through different emotional periods together. Sometimes, they feel more distant, while sometimes they feel close to each other. However, if you stop spending quality time together, enjoying engaging activities, or start spending prolonged time away from each other, you can become more and more emotionally distant unless you change these habits.
  2. Unresolved conflicts: Experiencing conflicts in relationships is normal. However, you should always try to resolve those conflicts and not leave matters unfinished. Unresolved issues can cause long-term resentment, which can lead to severe emotional distancing between you and your partner. Unresolved conflicts can also lead to anxiety, which exacerbates emotional distancing.
  3. Poor sexual connection: Finally, if you’re experiencing a prolonged period of sexual inactivity between you and your partner, this may be a signal that you’re growing further and further apart emotionally. 

Join a PIVOT Retreat & Overcome Emotional Intimacy Problems In Your Relationship

Couple experiencing emotional distance in relationship

Losing emotional attachment to your partner or loved ones is never easy. Becoming distant in a relationship is hard on both parties involved, and it can exert a horrible emotional toll on both partners, unless they understand each other’s needs.

However, there is a way to solve such intimacy problems in a relationship, and it is best to start working on resolving your emotional distancing issues with an experienced relationship advocate.

PIVOT is your safe sanctuary where you can get in touch with your inner self and learn how to connect with your partner all over again. We organize relationship retreats and workshops for you and your partner, while you can choose to have individual coaching sessions with a team of our experienced advocates. PIVOT is here to help you feel again. Contact us today!

pivot company logo with tagline

Idealization In Relationships: Beyond the Fantasy

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever caught yourself marveling at your partner—almost pinching yourself because being with them feels too good to be true? It’s a beautiful feeling, isn’t it—that early spark of love where every glance and word feels like magic. I get it; we’ve all been swept up in that rush, seeing only the best in someone we adore. This is what idealization in relationships looks like: placing your partner on a pedestal, amplifying their charm and kindness, while their flaws seem to vanish into thin air. It’s a natural part of falling in love, and you’re not alone in feeling that thrill—or the confusion when that perfect image starts to fade.

What Is Idealization In Relationships?

Idealization in relationships is when you place your partner on a pedestal, exaggerating their positive qualities while overlooking their flaws. It’s a psychological process rooted in the excitement of new love, where your brain, flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine, paints your partner as the answer to your hopes and dreams. Think of it as seeing them through a filter that highlights their best traits—kindness, humor, or ambition—while muting anything less than perfect.

This tendency often stems from our deep-seated desire for connection and security. In the early stages of a relationship, idealizing your partner can feel protective, shielding you from doubts or fears about vulnerability. However, as the relationship evolves, this idealized image can set unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment or conflict when reality creeps in.

Why Do We Idealize Our Partners?

Is Idealization A Defense Mechanism?

Idealization is a psychological and biochemical process that happens when we create positive illusions about another person, exaggerating their virtues and ignoring their flaws. When we begin to fall in love, we tend to feel a strong tendency to idealize, seeing the love interest as a little bit more talented, beautiful, and charming than they may actually be. 

There are many reasons why we do this – some people idealize out of fear, not ready to face the fact that the person they’re obsessed with is not perfect. Others may idealize a past relationship because they want to validate their past decisions and strong feelings.

Emotional unavailability can also lead to idealization, as individuals may not acknowledge critical emotional needs, leading to unrealistic perceptions of their partners.

What Happens To Your Brain When You Are In Love 

When we go through an infatuation stage in a relationship, a biochemical process happens in our brains. This process is quite similar to addiction and we can do very little in terms of controlling it. As different chemical substances are altered and generated in your brain, such as phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, you may experience some of the following symptoms during the infatuation stage: 

  • Increased nervous excitement, followed by cold sweats and flushing
  • Stomach tingling, shivers, palpitations 
  • Extreme focus on the loved one 
  • Increased feelings of dependency 
  • A strong desire to be one with your partner 
  • Heightened feelings of anxiety and euphoria  

These physical symptoms are often accompanied by intense emotions, which can further fuel the idealization process.

Is Idealization In Relationships A Defense Mechanism?

Exaggerating the virtues and minimizing the flaws of a person you’re interested in is perfectly normal at the start of a relationship. But did you know that you may be protecting yourself from ambivalent feelings towards the person? In psychoanalytic theory, idealization is seen as a defense mechanism that helps us navigate our confusing feelings and maintain a positive image of the people that matter to us. 

Idealization as a defense mechanism is often mentioned in relation to splitting. We tend to “split” when we fail to bring together both the negative and positive qualities of a person into a realistic whole – they are either all bad or all good, there is no middle ground. This black and white thinking process tends to start in childhood, when a child is unable to combine the bad and the good aspects of their parental figures, instead seeing them as either one or the other.

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Throughout childhood and adolescence, idealization is a natural part of growing up. We tend to start with idealizing our parents, then our friends and partners as part of the separation process in our teenage and adolescent years. In adulthood, our tendency to idealize should start to wane, transforming into a more balanced and integrated sense of others and the self. 

But when it doesn’t get appropriately integrated during adulthood, idealization in relationships is often followed by a pattern of devaluation. This combination is known as the idealization and devaluation cycle and can be characteristic of different personality disorders and behavioral conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, codependency and pathological narcissism. 

Individuals prone to idealization and devaluation are often also prone to splitting. They may view people in their life as either all good or all bad, idealizing them at first and then devaluing them by attributing exaggerated negative traits to them.

For instance, if you were a target of a narcissist, they may subject you to excessive love bombing in the early stages of the relationship, and then devalue you using different manipulation tactics such as stonewalling, gaslighting, minimization, and so on.

How Do I Stop Idealizing My Partners? 

Whether you are putting an ex-partner on a pedestal or tend to see each new relationship as something more special than it actually is, there is a likelihood that you may still be dealing with past emotional pain and trauma. If you’ve noticed that you have a strong tendency to idealize your romantic relationships, try the following tips: 

  1. Look into the past

    You may be idealizing your interpersonal relationships because you have unresolved trauma from childhood or adolescence, and exploring your past hurt may give you a new perspective. 

  2. Learn to love yourself

    Invest some time in taking care of and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Self-love and care is the first step to integrating the conflicting parts of your personality.

  3. Understand that nobody is perfect

    The key to overcoming your tendency to idealize is to accept the fact that people are complex beings, with both positive and negative attributes that can all coexist within a person at the same time.

  4. Work on healing your core wound

    In order to be at peace with the complexity of yourself and others, you should work on understanding and healing your core emotional wound. 

  5. Seek help from professionals

    The best way to integrate difficult feelings and create healthier relationships is to reach out to qualified professionals who will give you the resources you need to live a happier life.

Find The Balance You Seek At Our Relationship  Intensive Workshop 

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Whether you are struggling with letting your guard down or need help dealing with past trauma, don’t be afraid to reach out and find the help you need and deserve. Joining support groups and engaging in therapy can provide emotional support and validation needed for personal growth. At PIVOT, we work with experienced relationship coaches who love helping couples and individuals find happiness and balance in their lives.

We offer a great number of carefully crafted relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching designed to help you heal and better understand yourself and others. Get in touch us today!

Linkedin Instagram Facebook Youtube

© 2026 Lori Jean Glass, LLC