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Category: Relational Healing

Separation in Relationship: What to Know and How to Cope

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Separation in relationship is a gut-wrenching crossroads, where the weight of what’s lost crashes into the uncertainty of what’s next. It’s the empty chair where your partner once sat, the quiet that replaces shared laughter, and the jarring shift from “we” to “me.” Whether you’re reeling from the end or the one pushing for it, the emotional toll is undeniable—grief, doubt, and fear of future intimacy tangle together, making every step feel heavy. Yet, you’re not alone in this; countless others have faced this storm and emerged stronger.

But here’s the hope: this doesn’t have to be the end. Relationships can heal—sometimes a couples intensive or honest effort can bridge the gap. And if not, there are healthy ways to let go, to rebuild yourself, and to find peace or even love again. In this article, we’ll dive into what separation really means, how to navigate its emotional maze, and the practical steps others have taken to mend what’s broken or move forward with grace—starting with rediscovering you.

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

What Does Separation Mean In A Relationship?

Separating from your relationship means taking a break to reflect on the partnership and personal needs. It’s an emotionally tough step that can lead to reconciliation or signal the end, like a breakup or divorce. Yet, it also offers a chance for growth and clarity.

For example, a temporary separation might help partners tackle personal struggles—think stress or burnout—aiming to reunite stronger. On the flip side, a separation as a prelude to divorce often hints at deeper, unresolved issues.

Separation comes in different flavors:

  • Trial Separation: A structured, temporary split where partners live apart but stay legally married, often hoping to reconcile with clear rules like counseling.
  • Permanent Separation: An ongoing break, usually a step toward divorce, without rushing to legally end the marriage.
  • Legal Separation: A formal, court-backed setup where partners stay married but sort out assets, debts, and responsibilities.

Though challenging, going down this path can deliver a fresh perspective, letting the relationship reassess things calmly. It doubles as emotional breathing room, easing tension and sparking personal growth. It’s a rough road, but it can guide couples toward healthier futures.

What Are The Things To Consider Before Separating?

Sometimes, only one person wants to separate. It can be as simple as your spouse saying they need space. Or they may want a longer break from the emotional turmoil that has become your relationship.

You may be the one who’d like to take a break from the relationship. Perhaps you’re exhausted from holding your failing relationship together and need distance. If you’re thinking about separating from your partner, consider your options before you make a decision.

Here are six key things to weigh before deciding. Being on the same page with your partner about the terms of separation is crucial for mutual understanding and agreement on how to proceed.

6 Things To Consider Before Separation

Separation is a significant step with emotional and practical implications. Even if it feels necessary, it’s important to prepare for the challenges ahead. These six considerations can help you approach the process thoughtfully, protecting both you and everyone involved.

1. Understand Why You’re Going 

Be clear about your reasons for to go through with this. For instance, if constant arguments about finances are overwhelming, recognize that. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand if this is a temporary frustration or a deeper issue. Honestly evaluating your feelings and beliefs about the relationship will provide clarity and guide your decision, helping your partner understand your perspective.

2. Know Where You’re Going

Plan your logistics in advance. Decide who will move out and where you’ll stay, whether it’s with friends, family, or a rental. Make a list of shared responsibilities like bills and pet care, and discuss the details early to avoid conflicts. A clear plan reduces stress and keeps the focus on emotional healing.

3. Talk Everything Through

Have an honest conversation with your partner about your decision. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I need space to think.” Prepare key points in advance to stay calm and focused during the discussion. Establish guidelines for communication, including how to handle text messages, to ensure the process is constructive and does not lead to further complications or emotional turmoil. This approach fosters understanding and sets a respectful tone for the separation. 

4. Set The Rules

Establish clear boundaries for your separation, such as no dating others or regular check-ins. Consider writing them down together as an informal agreement to avoid misunderstandings. This structure helps both of you reflect without added stress and prevents mixed signals during the break.

5. Be Gentle

If you’re initiating the separation, be kind and empathetic. Acknowledge and respect your partner’s feelings and avoid blame. For example, say, “I know this is hard, and I’m sorry for the pain it causes.” Gentleness eases the emotional impact and keeps communication open.

6. Be Open To All Emotions

Expect a range of emotions, from relief to sadness. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Journaling or joining a support group can help you process these feelings and address any worry you may have, guiding your next steps. Embracing your emotions will clarify whether to reconcile or move forward separately.

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

What Are The Emotional Stages Of Separation?

If your partner brings up separation, brace for a wave of emotions. At first, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and struggle emotionally in that critical moment. You might face separation anxiety and a mix of tough, painful feelings before regaining your balance. But there are constructive ways to handle this—you can view it as a chance to grow and see your relationship differently.

7 Stages Of Separation

7 common stages of relationship separation infographic copyright lovetopivot.com

Although our emotional reactions are highly individual, there are some stages that most individuals go through after feeling stuck in their unwilling and unexpected relationship separation. All in all, there are seven common stages of separation, and it is crucial to make well-considered decisions rather than impulsively decided ones.

1. Denial

Denial is refusing to accept that your relationship is over, often clinging to familiar patterns. You might act as if the separation isn’t happening, hoping things will magically fix themselves.

  • Symptoms:
    • Avoiding breakup conversations.
    • Maintaining routines, like cooking for two.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal daily to gently face reality.
    • Confide in a trusted friend for support.

Alex couldn’t admit their marriage was over, leaving their partner’s clothes in the closet. Writing daily reflections helped them start accepting the change.

2. Anger

Anger brings intense frustration, often aimed at your ex or the situation. It can spill over, straining other relationships or clouding your judgment.

  • Symptoms:
    • Snapping at friends or family.
    • Feeling a constant edge of rage.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Channel energy into exercise, like running.
    • Express yourself through art or writing.

Sarah felt furious after her split, lashing out at friends. Joining a dance class turned her anger into energy, helping her regain calm.

3. Guilt

Guilt involves blaming yourself for the separation, obsessing over past mistakes. It can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the breakup alone.

  • Symptoms:
    • Replaying “what if” scenarios.
    • Feeling regret over past conflicts.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice self-kindness with affirmations.
    • Write a forgiving letter to yourself.

Jamie agonized over ending their relationship, thinking they’d failed. A self-forgiveness letter eased their burden over time.

4. Fear

Fear sparks anxiety about what lies ahead—being alone, financial struggles, or change. It can keep you up at night, amplifying uncertainty.

  • Symptoms:
    • Racing thoughts about the future.
    • Trouble sleeping or focusing.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Lean on friends or family for reassurance.
    • Plan one day at a time to feel in control.

Taylor panicked about living alone after separation. Talking with a friend and making a simple daily schedule eased their anxiety. 

5. Grief

Grief is the deep sadness of losing your shared life. It can hit hard, leaving you mourning the past and what might have been.

  • Symptoms:
    • Frequent crying or feeling empty.
    • Missing your partner’s presence.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Journal to process your emotions.
    • Join a support group to share the load.

Jordan missed their ex’s laughter, grieving late at night. Journaling those feelings helped them slowly work through the loss.

6. Re-invention

Re-invention is rediscovering yourself outside the relationship. It’s exciting but daunting as you explore new interests or goals.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling unsure about new ventures.
    • Excitement mixed with hesitation.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Set small goals, like trying a hobby.
    • Celebrate wins to build confidence.

Casey felt lost post-separation but took up gardening. Growing their first plants sparked a new sense of purpose. 

7. Acceptance

Acceptance means finding peace with the separation. You feel ready to embrace life again, with a lighter heart.

  • Symptoms:
    • Feeling calmer and more hopeful.
    • Readiness to move forward.
  • Coping Strategies:
    • Practice mindfulness, like deep breathing.
    • Reflect on lessons learned.

Riley struggled for months but eventually felt okay. Daily breathing exercises helped them welcome a fresh start.

These stages aren’t linear—you might revisit some. Take your time, and you’ll find your way forward.

Frequently Asked Questions About Separation in Relationships

1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?

Separation means living apart, which can be temporary or permanent, while still legally married, offering a chance to reconcile. Divorce legally ends the marriage, making both parties single and able to remarry. This distinction helps clarify next steps, with separation often seen as a middle ground for reflection.

2. How long should a trial separation last?

Experts often suggest a trial separation lasts 3 to 6 months, giving both partners space to reflect and decide. Setting a clear end date and terms ensures clarity and prevents confusion, aligning with the need for structure during separation.

3. How to cope with separation when children are involved?

Prioritize children’s well-being by maintaining routines, co-parenting effectively, and seeking family therapy. Honest, age-appropriate communication helps children express feelings and adjust to changes, addressing a significant gap in the article not covering parental responsibilities.

4. Can separation save a relationship?

Yes, separation can save a relationship by providing space for reflection and growth, especially with counseling. Both partners must be committed, though success isn’t guaranteed and varies by situation, complementing the article’s mention of reconciliation without detailed outcomes.

Join our Relationship Intimacy Retreat Workshop to navigate separation with expert support

Separation hurts, even if the relationship or the marriage was not emotionally fulfilling. First, any kind of separation causes a whirlwind of various emotions that you first have to deal with before learning how to actually cope with your separation and finding ways to recover from all the separation-induced resentment.

Long story short, breaking up is rarely a pretty sight and an easy endeavor, and separating from your partner will take a toll on your life. However, what’s important to know is that it’s not the end and that you’ll start feeling satisfied again. If you notice you’re struggling to get there, you can rely on the certified professionals at PIVOT for assistance.

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We have assembled a team of caring, empathetic, and experienced relationship advocates who can help you deal with the aftermath of your separation at our individual workshops or maybe help you and your partner find common ground again at our couple retreat. Whatever your choice is, know that we’ll do everything in our power to help you.

The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling: Impact and Solutions

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone you love, only to be met with cold, unyielding silence? That crushing moment when your words vanish into a void is stonewalling, and the emotional effects of stonewalling can leave you feeling rejected, alone, and unheard. Conflicts, from minor disagreements to major disputes, are a natural part of human relationships, shaping our stories and interactions.

Yet, conflicts can strengthen bonds when resolved with care. Every resolved dispute builds trust and resilience, making relationships worth fighting for. But when one person stonewalls, shutting down instead of engaging, it halts this process, leaving emotional wounds that can linger.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Both partners must work together to resolve conflicts. When one side withdraws completely, stonewalling not only blocks solutions but also deepens feelings of frustration and pain. Understanding its impact is the first step toward healing.

What Does Stonewalling Behavior Mean?

Stonewalling is a communication tactic where one person (“stonewaller”) completely withdraws from a situation or a conversation, creating a metaphorical “stone wall” between them and the person trying to communicate. This type of behavior isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships alone. Rather, it can occur in friendships, as well as professional and parent-child relationships, too.

While it may seem like a simple coping mechanism, aimed at avoiding conflict and difficult feelings, stonewalling can have severe emotional consequences for the recipient, leading to the question of if stonewalling is gaslighting. Emotional awareness is key in identifying and addressing these issues early. Over time, it can erode mutual trust and destroy the emotional bond that holds the relationship together. Intentional stonewalling, used as a manipulative behavior, can exert power and control over a partner, resulting in emotional abuse and neglect.

Finally, it is important to note that stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is employed consciously to manipulate, belittle, or humiliate the recipient. For this reason, and the fact that stonewalling is detrimental to everyone involved, it is important to understand its implications, as well as to seek support and help, preferably from a professional relationship coach or counselor, or trusted friends and family members.

What Are The Negative Effects Of Stonewalling In Romantic Relationships?

Without exaggeration, we can say that the emotional consequences of stonewalling can be devastating, both for the recipient and the relationship as a whole. It can make the person on the receiving end feel like their thoughts and feelings simply don’t matter. Like the effort and dedication they put in to connect with their partner and better the relationship is worth nothing, ultimately damaging the emotional connection.

Needless to say, this type of emotional withdrawal can leave a person feeling lonely, rejected, and invalidated. Over time, these feelings can lead to a full breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy which, in turn, can cause feelings of resentment and disconnection toward the stonewaller.

Additionally, when one partner withdraws from a conversation, it does nothing to help resolve the issue. Instead, it leaves the other feeling frustrated and unheard, which only causes increased tension and leads to more arguments, therefore escalating the conflict. Introducing meaningful conversation is crucial to address these challenges effectively.

This causes communication breakdowns where both individuals struggle to effectively express themselves, their needs, and their emotions, yet aren’t able to find any common ground. Ultimately, pent-up anger and frustration may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship which can (and often does) end up in a breakup, especially if the issue is left unattended.

couple experiencing effects of stonewalling

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Stonewalling can be a subtle weapon in gaslighting. When someone shuts down communication—like ignoring your texts during an argument—and later denies the issue even existed, it’s a double blow that leaves you questioning your reality. This overlap makes both tactics especially disorienting.

The emotional toll is heavy: stonewalling breeds frustration and helplessness, while gaslighting sows confusion and self-doubt. Together, they can erode trust and make you feel unheard or unstable. For example, imagine asking, “Why didn’t you respond?” only to hear, “I never saw your message,” despite clear evidence otherwise.

Quick Coping Tips

  • Set Boundaries: Calmly state your needs (e.g., “I need us to talk about this”).
  • Use ‘I’ Statements: Say “I feel ignored” to express yourself without escalating tension.
  • Seek Support: Talk to a friend or therapist to regain perspective.

Stonewalling and Gaslighting: Key Differences and Overlaps

AspectStonewallingGaslightingOverlap
DefinitionWithdrawing from communicationManipulating someone’s sense of realityStonewalling can be used to gaslight
Emotional ImpactFrustration, helplessnessConfusion, self-doubt, loss of trustBoth erode trust and cause distress
ExampleIgnoring texts during an argumentDenying a conversation ever happenedStonewalling followed by denial

What Are The Emotional Effects Of Stonewalling?

Illustration of the emotional effects of stonewalling in relationships

The emotional effects of stonewalling can be profound and long-lasting, affecting different types of relationships in various ways:

  • In romantic relationships, when a partner withdraws, stonewalling can cause feelings of emotional isolation and disconnection. It can erode the trust and emotional connections between partners, creating a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction, which can ultimately lead to a breakup. Picture your partner shutting down mid-argument, refusing to respond as you plead for connection—this silence stings like rejection. For someone anxiously attached, the emotional effects of stonewalling can spark fears of being abandoned, deepening the hurt, and making them feel overwhelmed.
  • In parent-child relationships, stonewalling can create a sense of confusion and insecurity in the child. They may feel unheard, invalidated, unloved, and even insignificant. This can leave lasting emotional scars on the child’s psyche, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships in the future. Imagine a child asking why their parent is upset, only to get a blank stare in return—it’s like they’re invisible. If they crave closeness, this disconnection can feel overwhelming, planting seeds of self-doubt.
  • In friendships, stonewalling can create a sense of rejection and hurt, leaving the other person feeling excluded and unimportant. It can also trigger past traumas and emotional wounds, leading to further distress and emotional pain. Think of texting a friend about a falling-out, only to be ignored for days—it’s a gut punch of exclusion. For those with an avoidant attachment style, the emotional effects of stonewalling might push them to withdraw further, masking their own pain.
  • In professional relationships, stonewalling can lead to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and a lack of trust among colleagues, which can create a toxic work environment that cripples productivity and morale. Additionally, it can also prevent the resolution of conflicts and hinder problem-solving, leading to negative impacts on job performance and career advancement opportunities. Picture a coworker dodging your emails about a project dispute, leaving you in the dark—it breeds frustration and distrust. Even secure types might feel unsettled, as the silence disrupts teamwork and clarity.

It is crucial to note that stonewalling can leave lasting consequences to the recipient’s mental health, including persistent self-doubt and low self-esteem. In addition, it can exacerbate existing mental health conditions and, in some cases, cause the formation of various psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). The emotional toll of stonewalling is significant, leading to feelings of disrespect, loneliness, and emotional pain, which can ultimately damage the relationship beyond repair.

The following table summarizes how stonewalling impacts emotions across different relationships, highlighting its far-reaching effects:

Relationship TypeEmotional Effects of Stonewalling
RomanticIsolation, trust erosion, potential breakup
Parent-ChildConfusion, insecurity, feeling unheard, lasting scars
FriendshipsRejection, hurt, exclusion, triggers past traumas
ProfessionalCommunication breakdowns, toxic environment, frustration

Beyond the Silence: Key Questions on Stonewalling’s Emotional Impact

1. How does stonewalling impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?

Stonewalling blocks open communication, reducing emotional intimacy and trust. Partners may feel isolated, weakening their connection over time.

2. Why are men more likely to stonewall, and what does this mean for couples?

Research suggests that men may stonewall as a way to cope with emotional overwhelm, often due to differences in how they process emotions. A UC Berkeley study found that this behavior can lead to physical health issues, like back pain, particularly in men. This not only strains relationships emotionally—by shutting down communication—but can also take a physical toll on the stonewaller, adding complexity to the couple’s dynamic.

3. Can stonewalling be considered emotional abuse?

Yes, when used intentionally to control or punish, stonewalling becomes abusive, causing distress and feelings of invalidation.

4. How can couples heal from the emotional damage of stonewalling?

Healing involves open communication and therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, to rebuild trust and learn healthier conflict resolution.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Emotional Effects of Stonewalling

Attachment theory reveals how early relationships influence our responses to stonewalling. Each style—anxious, avoidant, ambivalent, or secure—shapes how we react to this behavior. Understanding your attachment style offers clarity for navigating these moments.

  • Anxious Attachment: Feels deep rejection and abandonment fears when stonewalled. May respond with anxiety, seeking reassurance or clinging.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Stonewalls to shield from emotional overwhelm. Still feels disconnection despite the self-protective silence.
  • Ambivalent Attachment: Swings between craving closeness and withdrawing. Feels confused or frustrated by stonewalling, unsure how to react.
  • Secure Attachment: Finds stonewalling disruptive but handles it with communication. May address it directly or explore its cause.

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Solutions for Stonewalling’s Emotional Effects

Stonewalling can feel like a wall between you and someone you care about, but there are ways to break through. Here are practical steps to address its emotional toll and rebuild connection:

  • Pause and Take Breaks: When emotions run high, agree to pause the conversation. Use a signal, like raising hands, and take a 20-minute break to cool off. This helps both of you return with clearer minds.
  • Practice Self-Soothing: Try deep breathing—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6—to calm stress. Visualizing a peaceful place can also ease the urge to shut down.
  • Enhance Communication: Listen actively by repeating back what your partner says to show understanding. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when we don’t talk,” to express feelings without blame.
  • Create a Safe Space: Set a weekly time for open, calm talks where both agree to listen without judgment. This reduces fear and encourages honest dialogue.

Start Healing from Stonewalling with PIVOT Today

Stonewalling can leave you feeling isolated and unheard, but you don’t have to face it alone. At PIVOT, our Glass House retreat offers a serene escape to focus on rebuilding trust and connection. Guided by certified relationship coaches, our therapeutic process helps you heal trauma, identify unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling, and build a clear path to lasting, healthy communication skills.

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Take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Contact PIVOT today for a consultation and discover how our tailored programs can transform your relationships.

Complacency in Relationships: Signs and How to Avoid It

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

You’re in a relationship. You’re feeling good about it. You love your partner. Your partner loves you back. You know each other well. You talk, your partner listens. Your partner talks, you listen back. You’re cozy. And it’s easy. And there are no challenges or outbursts. There’s love. Or at least you think and know there is. You’re just not feeling it in the same way you used to.

It’s almost as if love has been replaced with comfort, convenience, and security. You feel pleasant, however not great. There’s a fleeting sense, a brief moment when you feel something’s off and then it passes, and you’re back to the warm bliss of the familiar. You block off potential problems in your relationship and postpone the need to improve intimacy in a relationship. 

And you feel good again ignoring that voice in the back of your mind that craves a bit more fireworks. You’re taking your love life for granted and you seem to be enjoying it. However, falling prey to this kind of complacency in a relationship can end up being the very bane that brings havoc where there was harmony. Putting a stop to it is an important mission that will breathe new life into your relationship. How to do it? Begin with the basics and actively work to avoid complacency.

What Is Relationship Complacency?

What Is Relationship Complacency?

There’s a lot we hear about relationships and the different stages, issues, and problems. We all know about the honeymoon period, how you can make it last, and what to do when it inevitably ends. Or the seven-year itch that can occur in even the most loving of relationships and marriages. However, what about complacency?

Is complacency not a problem? Does it really affect relationships negatively and can being comfortable and complacent really cause such harm to both you and your relationship?

It is, especially because complacency is often mistaken for comfort. Being comfortable with your significant other is great. Being complacent is not that great. Complacency means gradually slipping into a false and often toxic comfort zone that prevents both you and your partner from enhancing your relationship, improving your communication, and taking each other for granted. 

Complacency comes in various forms, as do relationships. All couples are different and all couples that experience relationship complacency experience it in different ways. However, there’s one common line that defines complacency – putting less and less effort into your relationship and paying less and less attention to each other. 

What Are The Signs Of Complacency In A Relationship?

Still, complacency seems like simply a relationship that’s entered a bit of a rut. That’s easy enough to resolve, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. A rut requires a bit of action, adding a bit of dynamicity into your daily life, and stepping outside your comfort zone to engage in activities both you and your partner will enjoy. 

Complacency is more serious than rut. It breeds passivity and can provoke a wide range of increasingly negative feelings and harmful relationship traits that can lead to more significant problems, including a diminished sense of connection and excitement between partners.

This makes it really important to recognize the signs of complacency on time. You need to react before it roots itself within your relationship and starts causing problems that will only get tougher and tougher to deal with down the line. Some of the most common telltale signs of relationship complacency are: 

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?
  • Feelings of restlessness and boredom in the relationship and toward your partner
  • Lack of attention between you and your partner
  • Either experiencing or handing out criticism on a regular basis
  • Neglecting your own wellbeing and self-care
  • Experiencing a constant decline in your intimate activities
  • Fantasizing about others
  • Resorting to routine i-love-yous
  • Not organizing date nights like before
  • You and your partner not sharing individual experiences
  • You feel more and more distant from your partner
  • There is a significant lack of communication

How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?

It’s easy to see why relationship complacency is a lot more serious than it seems and than people give it credit. In fact, complacency can often serve as the building block for numerous issues down the line if you and your partner decide not to work on it together. However, working on it can often be difficult and demanding. 

And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just because your relationship requires work doesn’t mean there’s no love, affection, care, and dedication. It takes guts and strength to recognize that your relationship has become complacent and to talk with your partner about it. From there, you can try to tackle that complacency by doing the following: 

  • Adopt a new mindset that realizes and recognizes that relationships require active effort.
  • Compliment and take notice of each other to foster a deeper connection.
  • Set ample alone time for just the two of you.
  • Try to shake up your daily routine.
  • Engage in honest conversations with yourself and with your partner.
  • Become more curious about your partner.
  • Work on your emotions and physical intimacy.
  • Set clear goals for your relationship. 
  • Explore new activities you can do together.
  • Go your separate ways for a day and then tell each other all about it. 
  • Create a love map of your relationship that explains your dreams, hobbies, fears, and other traits you and your partner find important. 
  • Practice empathy together with your partner. 
  • Hold hands and hug each other. 
  • Try to put your phones away and just enjoy each other’s company. 

PIVOT Helps Improve Emotional and Physical Intimacy In Your Relationship By Resolving Intimacy Problems & Complacency

Falling into the trap of relationship complacency is easy and more common than you think. However, detecting the reasons behind your complacent relation with your partner and working to resolve your issues can be difficult and can lead you to question how strong you are and cause unwanted pressure within your relationship.

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We’re not gonna lie – dealing with any problem within your relationship, even one as seemingly small and easy-to-resolve as complacency is tough. It’s hard for you and your partner to look yourselves in the eye, admit problems, and start taking them head on. However, with healthy communication and real effort, everything’s manageable. At PIVOT, we recognize how challenging it can be for individuals and couples to end a complacent period, and we’re committed to helping you foster a relationship that thrives on connection and shared growth. That is why we’ve envisioned both specialized individual workshops for invigorating your life and couple workshops for helping you find the spark in your relationship again. Reach out to us today!

Emotional Distance: What It Is & What Causes It?

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

In healthy partnerships, you start out close—without any emotional distance. Over time, events or stresses can drive one or both partners to feel shut off. This growing emotional distance often shows up as avoiding heartfelt conversations or pulling away physically and mentally, leading to a loss of emotional connection. A common sign of emotional distance is the tendency to avoid discussions about emotions or the absence of physical affection. Once you start holding back your emotions, you start allowing anger to enter the relationship, which is a recipe for a quick end.

A common sign of emotional distance is the tendency to seek emotional needs outside of the relationship, which can further deteriorate the emotional connection. It’s not healthy to allow emotional distancing to fester in the relationship. You want to be aware of what emotional distancing is and what causes it, and try to detect the reasons behind you becoming emotionally distant. Emotional connection is crucial for intimacy and understanding between partners It’s always best to consult an experienced relationship advocate to help you, however you first need to know what and why it is happening to you.

What Is Emotional Distance?

Emotional distancing, or emotional detachment, is the inability of an individual to completely engage with their own feelings, or the feelings of others. Severe emotional distancing can start interfering with a person’s social, emotional, psychological, as well as physical development. 

Emotional distancing can be temporary, in response to a stressful or unpleasant situation, or ongoing, which appears in people who suffer from attachment disorders. Whatever kind of emotional distancing you’re experiencing, you should try and find professional assistance to help you cope with it and overcome it.

Common Symptoms of Emotional Distance

Some of the most common signs of emotional distancing, be it in a relationship or with loved ones, are the following:

  • Suffering from low self-esteem
  • Becoming completely ambivalent
  • Exhibiting very bad listening skills
  • Constantly challenging intimate relationships
  • Not opening up or having great difficulty doing so
  • Experiencing lack of verbal, physical, or sexual contact

These symptoms can lead to emotional disconnection, where unresolved issues and avoidance of conflicts further escalate the sense of emotional distance felt by both partners.

What Causes Emotional Distance in a Relationship?

What Causes Distance In A Relationship?

Emotional distancing in relationships can be caused by several different factors. Determining the cause behind you or your partner becoming emotionally distant is the first and vital step in overcoming such emotional problems.
Stress is another significant factor that can lead to emotional distancing, as extreme levels of stress can affect various aspects of life and relationships. Here are the most common causes of emotional distance in relationships:

  1. Alone time: Sometimes, it all begins with a benign reason as craving some alone time. If you or your partner do not have sufficient time to dedicate to yourselves, you should try discussing it honestly and finding some time for you and you alone.
  2. Emotional distress: If you or your partner have recently suffered severe emotional strain, it can be what triggered the act of emotional distancing. Experiencing extreme emotions can lead to an individual withdrawing and becoming emotionally distant for a time.
  3. Love lost: Sometimes, you or your partner are no longer as emotionally invested in your relationship as you used to be. Losing interest in the relationship, not putting enough effort and avoiding intimacy are different factors that can lead to problems with emotional attachment.
  4. Avoiding and pursuing: Sometimes, you can start feeling that your partner is too needy, or vice versa. This leads to taking an emotional step back which, in turn, leads to your partner pushing even harder for answers and explanations, which quickly turns into a vicious cycle of pushing and falling back, climaxing in complete emotional detachment. This can also effect your ability to to effectively express emotions.
  5. Criticism: When you or your partner begin to experience emotional distance, it can quickly become really hurtful. One of you will then start to become overly critical of the other, leading to emotional withdrawal and further emotional distancing. This withdrawal will make you feel even more distressed, which will lead to even more criticism, without an end in sight.

Whatever the causes and the reasons behind emotional distancing, it’s paramount that you consult an experienced relationship advocate to help you get through it all. Otherwise, you and your partner risk imprinting further emotional damage onto each other due to unresolved conflict.

woman emotional distance from family outside

What Does It Mean When You Distance Yourself From People?

Sometimes, the cause behind becoming emotionally distant is simply a lack of excitement in your life.
Losing hope in the relationship can also contribute to emotional distancing. As simple as this may sound, the feelings you’re experiencing are still hard and difficult to deal with.

Distancing yourself from people close to you, be they your partner, your family, or your friends, is never easy, and you may want to try to talk about it to change it. Engaging in a healing process that includes self-reflection and new activities can facilitate personal growth and positive thinking. Here’s what you can try to do when you feel that your life has become stale and that it’s causing you to take spend time alone, away from the important people in your life:

  1. Get a pet

    The affection pets show can help promote emotional bonding, and their natural excitability can help you find the excitement you’ve lost.

  2. Drives and walks

    Start taking long walks in beautiful settings, or start taking your car for drives through interesting and exciting scenery. Try to promote interaction with the environment to stop yourself from feeling dull and isolated.

  3. Learn a skill

    Try finding a new hobby, challenge yourself in fields you haven’t tried before, try to learn how to play an instrument. Find something to become engaged in, and let it embellish your daily life.

  4. Find new friends

    Sometimes, you need a fresh friendship to take you out of the rut you’re finding yourself in. They can show you new experiences, open you up to new events, and show you a completely different side of life.

  5. Consult a professional

    Finally, if all else fails, consult an experienced advocate who can help you cope with and overcome the emotional problems you’re facing.

Why Am I Distancing Myself From My Partner?

If you notice that you’re starting to emotionally distance yourself from your partner more and more, it’s time to take a look at some of the reasons why that might be happening. There are three main reasons why you might be distancing yourself from your partner:

  1. Prolonged distance: Couples go through different emotional periods together. Sometimes, they feel more distant, while sometimes they feel close to each other. However, if you stop spending quality time together, enjoying engaging activities, or start spending prolonged time away from each other, you can become more and more emotionally distant unless you change these habits.
  2. Unresolved conflicts: Experiencing conflicts in relationships is normal. However, you should always try to resolve those conflicts and not leave matters unfinished. Unresolved issues can cause long-term resentment, which can lead to severe emotional distancing between you and your partner. Unresolved conflicts can also lead to anxiety, which exacerbates emotional distancing.
  3. Poor sexual connection: Finally, if you’re experiencing a prolonged period of sexual inactivity between you and your partner, this may be a signal that you’re growing further and further apart emotionally. 

Join a PIVOT Retreat & Overcome Emotional Intimacy Problems In Your Relationship

Couple experiencing emotional distance in relationship

Losing emotional attachment to your partner or loved ones is never easy. Becoming distant in a relationship is hard on both parties involved, and it can exert a horrible emotional toll on both partners, unless they understand each other’s needs.

However, there is a way to solve such intimacy problems in a relationship, and it is best to start working on resolving your emotional distancing issues with an experienced relationship advocate.

PIVOT is your safe sanctuary where you can get in touch with your inner self and learn how to connect with your partner all over again. We organize relationship retreats and workshops for you and your partner, while you can choose to have individual coaching sessions with a team of our experienced advocates. PIVOT is here to help you feel again. Contact us today!

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Idealization In Relationships: Beyond the Fantasy

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever caught yourself marveling at your partner—almost pinching yourself because being with them feels too good to be true? It’s a beautiful feeling, isn’t it—that early spark of love where every glance and word feels like magic. I get it; we’ve all been swept up in that rush, seeing only the best in someone we adore. This is what idealization in relationships looks like: placing your partner on a pedestal, amplifying their charm and kindness, while their flaws seem to vanish into thin air. It’s a natural part of falling in love, and you’re not alone in feeling that thrill—or the confusion when that perfect image starts to fade.

What Is Idealization In Relationships?

Idealization in relationships is when you place your partner on a pedestal, exaggerating their positive qualities while overlooking their flaws. It’s a psychological process rooted in the excitement of new love, where your brain, flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine, paints your partner as the answer to your hopes and dreams. Think of it as seeing them through a filter that highlights their best traits—kindness, humor, or ambition—while muting anything less than perfect.

This tendency often stems from our deep-seated desire for connection and security. In the early stages of a relationship, idealizing your partner can feel protective, shielding you from doubts or fears about vulnerability. However, as the relationship evolves, this idealized image can set unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment or conflict when reality creeps in.

Why Do We Idealize Our Partners?

Is Idealization A Defense Mechanism?

Idealization is a psychological and biochemical process that happens when we create positive illusions about another person, exaggerating their virtues and ignoring their flaws. When we begin to fall in love, we tend to feel a strong tendency to idealize, seeing the love interest as a little bit more talented, beautiful, and charming than they may actually be. 

There are many reasons why we do this – some people idealize out of fear, not ready to face the fact that the person they’re obsessed with is not perfect. Others may idealize a past relationship because they want to validate their past decisions and strong feelings.

Emotional unavailability can also lead to idealization, as individuals may not acknowledge critical emotional needs, leading to unrealistic perceptions of their partners.

What Happens To Your Brain When You Are In Love 

When we go through an infatuation stage in a relationship, a biochemical process happens in our brains. This process is quite similar to addiction and we can do very little in terms of controlling it. As different chemical substances are altered and generated in your brain, such as phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, you may experience some of the following symptoms during the infatuation stage: 

  • Increased nervous excitement, followed by cold sweats and flushing
  • Stomach tingling, shivers, palpitations 
  • Extreme focus on the loved one 
  • Increased feelings of dependency 
  • A strong desire to be one with your partner 
  • Heightened feelings of anxiety and euphoria  

These physical symptoms are often accompanied by intense emotions, which can further fuel the idealization process.

Is Idealization In Relationships A Defense Mechanism?

Exaggerating the virtues and minimizing the flaws of a person you’re interested in is perfectly normal at the start of a relationship. But did you know that you may be protecting yourself from ambivalent feelings towards the person? In psychoanalytic theory, idealization is seen as a defense mechanism that helps us navigate our confusing feelings and maintain a positive image of the people that matter to us. 

Idealization as a defense mechanism is often mentioned in relation to splitting. We tend to “split” when we fail to bring together both the negative and positive qualities of a person into a realistic whole – they are either all bad or all good, there is no middle ground. This black and white thinking process tends to start in childhood, when a child is unable to combine the bad and the good aspects of their parental figures, instead seeing them as either one or the other.

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Throughout childhood and adolescence, idealization is a natural part of growing up. We tend to start with idealizing our parents, then our friends and partners as part of the separation process in our teenage and adolescent years. In adulthood, our tendency to idealize should start to wane, transforming into a more balanced and integrated sense of others and the self. 

But when it doesn’t get appropriately integrated during adulthood, idealization in relationships is often followed by a pattern of devaluation. This combination is known as the idealization and devaluation cycle and can be characteristic of different personality disorders and behavioral conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, codependency and pathological narcissism. 

Individuals prone to idealization and devaluation are often also prone to splitting. They may view people in their life as either all good or all bad, idealizing them at first and then devaluing them by attributing exaggerated negative traits to them.

For instance, if you were a target of a narcissist, they may subject you to excessive love bombing in the early stages of the relationship, and then devalue you using different manipulation tactics such as stonewalling, gaslighting, minimization, and so on.

How Do I Stop Idealizing My Partners? 

Whether you are putting an ex-partner on a pedestal or tend to see each new relationship as something more special than it actually is, there is a likelihood that you may still be dealing with past emotional pain and trauma. If you’ve noticed that you have a strong tendency to idealize your romantic relationships, try the following tips: 

  1. Look into the past

    You may be idealizing your interpersonal relationships because you have unresolved trauma from childhood or adolescence, and exploring your past hurt may give you a new perspective. 

  2. Learn to love yourself

    Invest some time in taking care of and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Self-love and care is the first step to integrating the conflicting parts of your personality.

  3. Understand that nobody is perfect

    The key to overcoming your tendency to idealize is to accept the fact that people are complex beings, with both positive and negative attributes that can all coexist within a person at the same time.

  4. Work on healing your core wound

    In order to be at peace with the complexity of yourself and others, you should work on understanding and healing your core emotional wound. 

  5. Seek help from professionals

    The best way to integrate difficult feelings and create healthier relationships is to reach out to qualified professionals who will give you the resources you need to live a happier life.

Find The Balance You Seek At Our Relationship  Intensive Workshop 

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Whether you are struggling with letting your guard down or need help dealing with past trauma, don’t be afraid to reach out and find the help you need and deserve. Joining support groups and engaging in therapy can provide emotional support and validation needed for personal growth. At PIVOT, we work with experienced relationship coaches who love helping couples and individuals find happiness and balance in their lives.

We offer a great number of carefully crafted relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching designed to help you heal and better understand yourself and others. Get in touch us today!

Commitment Issues In Relationships: How To Overcome Them

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Many individuals fear commitment and will struggle with situations that require them to establish a long-term connection or obligation to another person.

People with commitment issues or commitment phobia experience great levels of anxiety in relationships. The commitment challenges they face can take a great toll on both parties in the relationship and often the only way to overcome these obstacles is to seek external help, whether it’s in the form of individual coaching or a dating problems workshop.

Read on to learn what commitment issues are, how they occur, and how you can deal with them.

What Are Relationship Commitment Issues?

In order to understand why you or your partner have commitment issues, you first need to know what commitment actually means. In the most basic sense, it can be defined as an obligation or bond to a single person, goal, or cause. Commitment phobia can affect all areas of one’s life, including their romantic relationships, friendships, and professional life.

It’s important to understand here that a person struggling with commitment issues probably craves to establish emotional intimacy and maintain a long-term relationship. However, the intense feelings they experience in the relationship may be more scary to them than to most people, making it hard for them to stay in the situation for long.

What Causes Commitment Issues In Relationships?

The roots of commitment issues tend to go back to a person’s early childhood. Oftentimes, an individual with commitment issues will have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. This means that the relationships the person experienced in early childhood, particularly with parents or caregivers, impacted their adult relationships in a way that makes commitment such a challenge.

Avoidant individuals tend to be wary of being vulnerable in a relationship and showing genuine emotion. This may be because they were hurt in a previous romantic relationship or the issue may go further back to potentially unresponsive or unavailable parents. Either way, a person with an avoidant style will likely perceive most people as unreliable and will go out of their way to avoid pain in their relationships.

Causes Of Commitment Phobia

Naturally, the exact causes of commitment issues will differ from one person to another. Nevertheless, there are certain factors that can influence a person’s commitment phobia. Here are some of them:

  • Unhealthy relationships with abusive, unfaithful or controlling partners
  • Neglectful or unresponsive parental figures
  • Parents’ marital problems or divorce
  • Deeply rooted trust issues
  • Traumatic events in formative years
  • Intense fear of being hurt in a relationship, etc.

Of course, no two individuals will have the exact same background. As a result, commitment issues can manifest in a variety of different ways. While some individuals may struggle with even starting a long-term relationship, others will try to maintain long-term relationships only to sabotage it once their fears become more intense.

Dating Someone With Commitment Issues

Being in a relationship with an individual with commitment phobia can be incredibly stressful. If your partner has trouble committing and showing their true feelings, it’s only natural that you’d feel lost and confused in the relationship.

However, confusion and resentment may not always stem from commitment phobia. Determining if your partner has underlying commitment issues would require them to share their thoughts and feelings and that’s a tough deal for most commitment-phobes.

How To Tell If Your Partner Has Commitment Issues

If you aren’t sure whether your partner struggles with commitment, ask the following questions:

  • What were their previous relationships like? Typically, commitment-phobes tend to have a history of unstable and short-lived relationships. Also, if your partner has never been in a long-term relationship, they may struggle with commitment.
  • Have you met their parents and friends? A person with commitment issues may refrain from including you in their family life. If they aren’t sure that you are here to stay, they may not want you to meet their family and close friends.
  • Are they willing to plan ahead? If your partner only plans for a couple of weeks or months ahead but refuses to make any long-term plans with you, they may be dealing with underlying commitment issues.
  • Do they tell you how they truly feel? An unwillingness to open up and talk about how they feel about you and the relationships is a common characteristic of commitment-phobes, so look out for that.

What Do You Do If Your Partner Has Commitment Issues?

Dealing with commitment phobia is no small feat. If you‘re in a relationship with a person struggling with commitment anxiety, it’s understandable that you may doubt the relationship and contemplate leaving it.

While breaking up may be the best course of action in some cases, you should keep in mind that a commitment-phobe probably desires emotional intimacy but has no idea how to change their ways. Here’s how you can try to deal with commitment issues in your relationship:

  • Give them some space. While you may be afraid of losing your partner, pressuring a commitment-phobe is never a good idea.
  • Be patient. If they truly love you, they will realize that they want to work on the relationship, even if it may take some time.
  • Be honest and show them that they can trust you. Many individuals who struggle with commitment are simply afraid of being hurt.
  • Try to understand why they are the way they are. If you make an effort to be understanding and attentive to your partner’s needs, they will probably appreciate it.
  • Don’t forget to care about yourself. All of this doesn’t mean that you should put your partner’s needs before your own. If your partner doesn’t want to work on themselves, don’t waste all of your energy on trying to change them.
  • Seek professional help. Commitment issues can be hard to deal with. Sometimes, the best course of action is to reach out to experienced relationship coaches for guidance.

Let The PIVOT Advocates Help!

Reaching out to seasoned relationship specialists is often the best path to take if you’re dealing with relationship problems. Our knowledgeable PIVOT Advocates rely on a curriculum built over 15 years that we call the PIVOT process, employing effective methods and techniques to help individuals struggling with personal and relational challenges.

Whether you want to try out couples or individual coaching for your relationship struggles or want to visit a relationship problems and solutions retreat that we offer at The Glass House, you’ve come to the right place. Reach out to us today and change your relationships for the better!

What Is Avoidance / Ambivalence Attachment?

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

For some individuals, thinking about being in a relationship can activate feelings of wanting to run away. Why? Because they feel that the needs of a partner, family member, or employer are overwhelming.

Attachment theory explains the development of attachment styles, which are formed through early interactions with caregivers. Unfortunately, many individuals find themselves attracted to avoidant or ambivalent partners. These attachment styles can significantly influence adult relationships, often leading to a series of unhealthy patterns which cause a great deal of pain for both sides in the relationship. If this is the case with you and your partner, consider love avoidance coaching or intensive workshops which can give you the tools and resources you need to heal your attachment wounds.

Read on to learn more about love avoidance and ambivalence.

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What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is the inability and fear to show love. Individuals will carefully guard themselves when in relationships and avoid real intimacy… to protect themselves from rejection, loss and pain. Often they are not even aware of the behavior and it can be misunderstood as selfishness.

Unfortunately, denial and avoidance become habits, which keeps the individual from being seen, feeling connected and loved.

Paradoxically, the individual will often want more but will go outside the relationship to get what they want, because it feels safer.

infographic about avoidant attachment - think first, then do, then feel

The avoidant thinks first, then takes action, and then sometimes processes their feelings after the action. What happens next is sometimes regret, doubt, uncertainty, and/or confusion.

People with avoidance issues have difficulty trusting others and will distance themselves if a relationship feels too close. Experiences in early childhood are usually the cause of this, and they use avoidance to try to feel safe within an intimate relationship.

How Do You Know If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Do you think you or your partner have avoidance issues? That may be the case if you notice that you tend to be uncomfortable with intimacy in your relationship and have a way of escaping commitment when you start to feel stifled or suffocated. 

If you worry your partner is avoidant, you may want to look for signs such as: 

  • Not returning your texts or calls
  • Idealizing a past relationship
  • Sending mixed signals
  • Keeping secrets 
  • Childish and sullen behavior
  • Showing mistrust 
  • Escaping commitment 

Of course, these are just some of the signs your partner may exhibit in your relationship. However, if you feel like most of these signs ring true, you may want to consider professional couple counseling or relationship therapy workshops. 

Do Avoidants Fall In Love?

Despite the name, love avoidants actually crave love and affection, just like everyone else. However, they often exhibit insecure attachment styles due to their childhood wounds, making it more difficult for them to face disappointment and betrayal than other people. As a result, they tend to guard their feelings and do all they can to avoid being hurt in their relationships. They are not running away from love, they are running away from pain. In contrast, individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to form healthy relationships and handle emotional challenges effectively.

Why Are Love Avoidants Attracted to Love Addicts?

Both love addicts and love avoidants often carry deeply ingrained fears and insecurities that stem from their childhood. On one hand, addicts crave affection and love that they rarely received from their parent or caregiver. Love avoidants, on the other hand, typically try to run from intimacy to avoid getting engulfed and hurt once again. 

While the relationship may work initially, it is bound to come with its own set of challenges. As the love addict showers the avoidant with love and affection, the avoidant will inevitably start to pull away. The distancing of the avoidant will lead the addict to seek even more reassurance and affection as proof of the avoidant’s love. This cycle often repeats itself. This is what many refer to as a love addicted tango.

How Do You Deal With A Love Avoidant?

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be extremely challenging, especially for a love addict. But despite the challenges, it is possible to create a deep connection with an avoidant, but only if they are willing to put in some effort, too. Here’s how you can improve your relationship with an avoidant partner: 

  • Be patient and show your partner that they can trust you 
  • Give your partner some space instead of chasing them 
  • Keep in mind that their love avoidance is not your fault 
  • Be understanding and dependable without overwhelming them
  • Learn the differences between the wants and needs for the relationship between you and your partner 
  • Recognize your own unhealthy survival patterns 
  • Set healthy boundaries 
  • Don’t neglect your own needs 

What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Another way attachment shows up is if the individual is unavailable for intimacy. This means they are caught up in feeling anxious and also at times avoidant. This is the type of person that communicates “come here – go away”. This is known as being Ambivalent.

infographic about ambivalent attachment aka anxious avoidant attachment - frozen with thoughts and feelings, little action

The ambivalent (or anxious avoidant) gets stuck in a prolonged cycle of thoughts and feelings, with little to no action. Freezing is the familiarity, even if it is painful, confusing, or exhausting.

The coping strategies that are avoidant or ambivalent which people use relate to creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship, such as non-intimate sex, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol. 

Among all of the attachment styles, ambivalent attachment seems to be the most chaotic. This is because ambivalent attachment tends to come from a childhood in which the parent or caregiver was inconsistent in providing love and affection. In another example- divorce between parents can create a separation and level of confusion for a child or adolescent. Imagine either parent sending completely different messages or signals to their children during their formative years and through their adolescence that conflict or are misaligned.

How Do You Know If You Have an Ambivalent Attachment Style?

Being ambivalent in your relationships or living with an ambivalent partner can be exhausting. If you’re worried that your partner has an ambivalent attachment style, look for the following traits: 

  • Is your partner constantly critical or picky? 
  • Do they have a history of short relationships? 
  • Are they confused about what they want from the relationship? 
  • Do they always seem distant or busy? 
  • Are their actions unpredictable? 
  • Are they hesitant to make long-term plans? 

If you never feel sure of what your partner feels or thinks, it’s likely that you feel lost and confused about the nature of your relationship. If that’s the case, it would probably be a good idea to seek expert help if you want to salvage the relationship and improve your mental health. 

The Glass House Retreat helps avoidant and ambivalent individuals find their voice and use it. 

When the avoidant or ambivalent behavior is defined and understood, it becomes a starting point to treat the underlying causes that create love avoidance. If this isn’t treated, then it often leads to depression.

When an individual has difficulty deciding whether to leave a relationship, this indecisiveness can lead to a combination of feeling anxious and depressed. 

Why Is Attachment Important To Physical And Mental Health?

Avoidant and ambivalent attachment behaviors can significantly decrease the quality of your life, especially when it comes to your interpersonal relationships. In fact, the style of our attachment is a key factor in our physical and mental health. Here’s how: 

  • The relationship with our caregivers will shape our intimate relationships and influence our adult attachment styles 
  • Unhealthy attachment can result in difficulties with understanding our emotions.
  • In turn, we may struggle with relating to the emotions of other people.
  • Without healthy connections with others, we may struggle with anxiety and depression.
  • Our attachment style can make it hard to bounce back from disappointment and failure. 

These attachment styles can affect adult relationships by influencing emotional behavior and partner dynamics. As you can see, your attachment style is a key factor in determining your personal relationships. Because of this, working on your attachment can be incredibly useful for improving your intimate relationships and overall wellbeing.

What Causes Love Avoidance and Ambivalence?

Individuals need love and connection with others. However, if you have suffered from feelings of abandonment or loss as a child, then you are likely to develop an insecure attachment style, which can lead to difficulty forming healthy attachments in adulthood, which can lead to avoidance or ambivalence.

Avoidance or ambivalence can also occur from experiencing abuse or neglect as a child from parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches, bullies and friends.

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Avoidance behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for.

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a number of characteristic behaviors, including: 

  • Avoid intimacy in the relationship by creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship
  • Craving independence at all costs
  • Emotional withdrawal and bottling up emotions
  • Avoid being known in the relationship
  • Distance themselves from intimate contact to keep from feeling engulfed
  • Over-controlling parenting when young
  • Secretive behavior – hiding feelings
  • Need to be seen and adored and then escape
  • Refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem
  • Tolerance for high-risk behavior
  • Denial that there is a problem 

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Ambivalent Attachment

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Ambivalent behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

  • They let other things outside of the relationship get in the way, i.e., hobbies, work, friends, lovers, addictions—anything.
  • Typically, they had one anxious and one avoidant parent attachment style
  • They have a “come here, go away” relational pattern
  • Crave love and fear it
  • Avoid intimacy by obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people
  • They sexualize relationships such that emotional intimacy is non-existent and then become addicted to the sex or the relationship—often both.
  • They become addicted through romantic affairs rather than committed relationships
  • They struggle to open to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship.

Can Avoidance or Ambivalence Be Treated?

YES!

The first step starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about healing yourself and being committed to being able to attach securely by knowing what you want and need in a relationship based on your personal storyline and background.

The process includes dealing with feelings and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. 

We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you. 

Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

How can you deal with ambivalent or avoidant attachment?

ambivalent behavior

Coping with their attachment style is a long and stressful process for most people. This is because we’re often unaware of the exact issues that stem from our relationship with our caregiver in our early childhood and finding out exactly how much it has affected us can be both eye-opening and terrifying. 

The first step to overcoming your insecure attachment is to get acquainted with your past. Understanding exactly how you became the person you are now can help you accept and reconcile with your childhood experiences. 

This is best done through professional therapy and attending different workshops and programs designed to help you improve your relationships and your overall well being. But if you want to take some steps on your own, here’s what you should do: 

  • Start by identifying your emotions and expressing your needs without fear. 
  • Strive to be as authentic in your communication as possible. 
  • Combat your shame and work on your self-esteem. 
  • Try not to criticize yourself and accept your flaws. 
  • Work on compromising and seeing your partner’s perspective. 

Of course, these are just some of the steps you can take to start on your path to recovery. In addition to these general coping techniques, you should also seek professional support if you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life.

How To Overcome Insecure Attachment: Our Love Avoidance Intensive Workshops Can Help!

We provide support and healing for these individuals by providing a personal PIVOT coach or coming to The Glass House and taking a 5-day deep dive into the PIVOT process. We provide defining attachment styles, one on one sessions, group process and experiential therapies to encourage individuals to be seen, respected, and understood.

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In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about the PIVOT process and our programs. We’re here to help.

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