What Happens When You Don’t Share The Same Values With Your Family?

No child grows up in a vacuum. Whether directly or indirectly, parents and caregivers influence the values and beliefs of their children. Your parents, for example, may have taught you directly what they believed was right or wrong. They may have also set an example for you on how to interact with others. What you learn from your parents and how you interact with them during childhood has a major impact on your own moral development. 

However, what if the values your parents instilled no longer match who you are as an adult? 

It is very common for children to grow up and develop different moral values and views than those of their parents. You might disagree with your parents on politics and religion. You may also have a different view on what a healthy family is

No matter the specific disagreements, getting along with your parents when you don’t share the same values can be challenging. Yet, it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with your family, and attending a relationship building skills workshop can be of great help in that. Keep on reading to find out how family can shape your values and what you can do if you don’t share their morals. 

How Does Your Family Affect Your Values?

What If I Don't Share Values With My Family

Your family can mold your personality and values in a variety of subtle and direct ways. From teaching you what’s good and bad, right and wrong, to helping you develop relationships with your peers. However, their impact on your values doesn’t necessarily have to be positive or congruent with who you grow up to be. You may find that you no longer agree with your parents on things that matter to you and to them, such as religion, sexuality, or politics. 

The problem is, the ways of feeling, thinking, acting, and judging we learn in childhood often stay with us throughout our lives. And even if you try and reject your family’s influence on your values, you’ll often find that it’s harder than it seems. The morals, behaviors, and attitudes acquired in childhood are difficult to shake off, and it’s quite normal to keep reflecting your parents’ ways of thinking and behaving for quite some time. 

What If I Don’t Share Values With My Family?

Do you dread family gatherings? The dinner-table discussions that seem to end up in emotional arguments? Or are you tired of getting unsolicited advice from your family members on how you should live your life? 

Situations such as these can greatly affect the relationship you have with your family members. Even an innocent conversation can go downhill quickly if one of the more deeply held values is challenged on either side. This can lead to strained relationships, fewer gatherings, or even severing of the relationship if no common ground can be found. 

However, do you have to distance yourself from your family if they have different ethical standards? While having different values can put a serious strain on your family relationships, it doesn’t mean that you can’t make an effort to keep things in check. There are ways in which you can overcome the challenge of having different values than your family. However, not all families are the same. For some, their values may be so deeply ingrained and important that they would risk severing ties with their kids or siblings. 

How Do You Deal With Parents With Different Values?

If you don’t share all of your values with your parents, it is important to try and separate them as people from their opinions and beliefs. While it may be near impossible to keep your cool in some situations and uncomfortable moments, you can strive to stay calm and avoid personal attacks when trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your loved ones. Here are some tips: 

  • Start by being honest. Being completely honest with your parents can be scary, no matter your age. Still, being straightforward and open about your values and beliefs can help maintain a relationship built on trust and respect.
  • Listen to what your parents and siblings have to say. It might feel impossible to step back and listen when you’re angry. Still, allowing your parents to speak and say their piece and really listening to them can foster mutual respect. 
  • Try to show them your perspective without trying to change their minds. People get defensive when their values are challenged. This may make them inflexible, judgmental, and unwilling to listen. Try showing them that your intention is not to change their mind, yet simply to share your view. 
  • Ask them to respect your beliefs. There’s no shame in asking for respect back if you are making an effort to show respect yourself. Ask your family to at least respect your values, even if they disagree with them. 
  • Consider avoiding some topics altogether. Sometimes, the most effective strategy for minimizing conflict and salvaging relationships is to avoid certain contentious topics completely. 

How Do I Overcome My Family’s Values And Create My Own Legacy? 

Unfortunately, not all relationships can be saved. Your family’s values, beliefs, and behaviors may be too hurtful or hateful that it might feel impossible to reconcile. While this may be incredibly difficult, it may be better for both parties to maintain some form of distance if mutual respect isn’t possible. This may mean setting strong boundaries or temporarily or permanently severing ties with the family members who are unwilling to nurture a healthy relationship.  

Ultimately, your values are your own, and you can work on creating your own legacy without guilt or fear. Appreciate what your family has taught you and provided you with, however, walk your own unique path. 

Do You Want To Build Trust In A Relationship? Attend A PIVOT Workshop And Learn How! 

How Do You Deal With Parents With Different Values

In many cases, healthy communication skills and investing effort in building honesty and respect can salvage strained family relationships. At PIVOT, we can help you build trust and respect with your family members without sacrificing your own values. Our individual coaching sessions can give you useful resources on practicing better self-regulation skills and healing your attachment wounds. Contact us now to find out more about our unique relationship building skills workshops and start facilitating positive behavioral change.

Breaking Unhealthy Family Patterns

The family you grow up in can shape your personality, your approach to life, and your personal relationships. In the ideal world, every child would get the chance to thrive in a family environment that provides them with love and support to have secure attachments. Unfortunately, that is far from being reality for many people today. 

If you feel like your parents or caregivers may have impacted your adult life in a somewhat dysfunctional way, you are not alone. Parenting and family relationships as a whole are incredibly complex, and even the people who have our best interest at heart may fail at providing us with the affection and support we need. This can result in a whole range of problems in the kid’s life, including impaired self-regulation behavior, self-esteem, and overall relationship happiness. 

In this article, you will learn how to spot dysfunctional patterns in your family, get tips on overcoming relationship challenges, and break the pattern of dysfunction to become a healthy adult. Keep on reading. 

What Is An Unhealthy Family Relationship?

What Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family

A family relationship can be considered toxic or dysfunctional for a number of reasons. Some common patterns found in such families may include impaired communication, a lack of closeness, excessive criticism, lack of empathy, power struggles, and excessive expectations. 

Still, your family may be dysfunctional in a completely different manner. Only you know the unique impact your family has had on your life and your place in the world. The thing is, if you were raised by someone who failed to provide you with appropriate care and affection, there is a chance that this will result in an avoidant or anxious attachment style and influence your parenting style as well. 

Because of this, it is important to uncover any patterns of dysfunctional relationships in your family and try to stop them from hindering you. This is the first step towards breaking the pattern of family dysfunction and creating your own legacy with your own values. 

What Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family?

Identifying unhealthy patterns in family relationships can be hard, especially if they are all you have ever known. Here are some common examples of dysfunctional families that may or may not apply to you: 

  • Poor communication: dysfunctional families often have a hard time communicating and listening to each other. This may include not speaking to each other often, yelling, engaging in one-sided conversations, and so on. 
  • Lack of intimacy: relationships built on intimacy are enriched by meaningful and deep connections. Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, often have intimacy issues. You might not b able to trust your parents or caregivers or you might feel like there’s no real closeness between you. 
  • Constant sibling comparisons: Parents who blatantly and consistently compare their children can cause deep-seated insecurity that may last throughout their child’s life. It may even cause serious rivalries between siblings. 
  • Constant criticism: many parents want what’s best for their kids and often criticize their choices. However, when criticism is relentless and meant to put you down, it can cause a wide array of self-image issues and insecurities. 
  • Unpredictable environments: kids who are exposed to unpredictable and impulsive family interactions experience substantial emotional trauma. They may also perpetuate the same chaotic behaviors in their adult relationships as well. 
  • Substance abuse and enabling behaviors: people who experience childhood trauma and are raised by someone who abuses substances are more likely to abuse alcohol and/or drugs in adulthood, too. Or, become codependent on taking care of others and enabling their spouse and/or children. 

How Do You Deal With An Unhealthy Family Relationship?

Dealing with an unhealthy family relationship is a long process that is unique to each family system. However, a good first step is usually to identify family patterns that do not serve you and look for ways to overcome the negative effects of your upbringing. You can also try: 

  • Communicating honestly with your family members to invite them into a change process with you 
  • Cutting ties with toxic family members or avoid certain family events 
  • Setting appropriate boundaries to protect your well-being 
  • Reaching out to professionals and finding resources to understand your family’s toxic patterns 

How Do You Break A Family Pattern Of Dysfunction?

It can take quite some time to break from a dysfunctional family pattern. Still, identifying and overcoming unhealthy relationship behaviors can help you step into relational change and pivot into a healthy adult. Here are some guidelines you can follow: 

  • Find courage: it takes a great deal of bravery to confront your family. Try to develop coping strategies for conflict and prepare yourself before opening up dialogue with your family members.  
  • Learn how to set boundaries: healthy emotional and physical boundaries can help you keep your distance from troubling family members and minimize their impact on your wellbeing. 
  • Minimize contact: unfortunately, it is sometimes impossible to salvage dysfunctional relationships. If your attempts to remedy the relationship have failed, it may be time to cut contact with the family member for a period of time. 
  • Find a healthy support system: do you have friends or other family members you can rely on when things get tough? This can be of immense value if you find it overwhelming to deal with the harmful family relationships on your own. 
  • Let go of things that you can’t change: it is often futile to try and change the opinions and behavior of your family members and trying to do so may cost you quite a bit of energy and nerves. 
  • Seek guidance from compassionate and knowledgeable relationship coaches. Professionals can help you identify unhealthy relationship patterns and provide you with resources for breaking them. 

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How Do You Deal With An Unhealthy Family Relationship

PIVOT is here to provide you with valuable resources and tools for improving your relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. With our help, you can find the courage to leave behind the unhealthy patterns that no longer serve you and build new habits to improve your wellbeing. Feel free to contact us to find out more about our carefully crafted individual coaching modules as well as our customized workshops for relationship problems. Get in touch with us now. 

Arguments In A Relationship: Are They Normal & How To Cope With Them

Even stable relationships have their ups and downs. It’s quite normal to exchange different opinions and disagree with your partner on certain issues. However, when does this become a problem? When disagreements become more and more frequent and normal exchanges turn into heated arguments or fights. When fights become so common that you celebrate the times when there aren’t any. This can be a sign that you and your partner may need to take a step back and assess the situation.

While relationships differ, fighting on a daily basis can become mentally, physically, and emotionally draining and you probably want the fighting to stop. You may want to consider joining a couple relationship management workshop and seeking support from expert coaches. Learning more about why you do what you do – individually and together can be the first step toward positive change. 

Is It Normal To Fight Every Day In A Relationship?

Why Do I Get Tired When I Argue

Experiencing disagreements, arguments, and even fights with your partner is a normal part of being in a relationship. In fact, having a peaceful argument with your partner can be beneficial to your wellbeing, as well as improve the quality of your relationship. 

However, what happens if you the fights become so frequent they’re almost daily? When they become so heated you end up feeling tired and drained afterward? It might be a good idea to try and resolve the underlying issues that are instigating arguments in the first place.

Also, there is no reason to allow your arguments to become disrespectful and end up hurting both of you without actually reaching a conclusion. And yes, there are several ways to keep your arguments respectful and less draining:

  • Try not to allow your emotions to influence the things you say.
  • Attempt to speak in “I” phrases rather than “you” phrases.
  • Do your best to avoid assaulting your partner’s character.
  • Focus on the issue at hand as much as you can.
  • Try to point out the problems without disrespecting your partner.
  • Do what you can to avoid threats of leaving.
  • Refrain from resorting to emotional or physical abuse.

Why Do I Get Tired When I Argue?

Feeling exhausted after being in a fight with your partner is only one of the many disadvantages of experiencing constant disagreements and arguments. The main reason behind your exhaustion is the innate stress fighting brings. 

Stress caused by fighting also leads to increased muscle tension, as well as a boosted arousal of the autonomic nervous system. When all this combines, you will end up feeling tired. You may also experience headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and aches and pains in your muscles.

Constant and prolonged fighting can take a serious toll on you and your partner’s bodies, leading to actual physical sickness. Stress can compromise your immune system, which impacts the ability of your body to remain healthy and ward of potential diseases. 

What To Do When You Are Tired Of Fighting?

You can actually stop the vicious cycle of constant argument with your partner in a peaceful way. Preventing constant fights from arising could be a crucial step toward you and your partner finding relationship happiness and satisfaction. It can be worth trying to stop them from happening. Here’s what you can try to do:

  • Calmly discuss your problems and individual dissatisfactions.
  • Spend time listening to your partner without preparing your defense.  
  • Get Curious as to why your partner is upset.
  • Pinpoint the underlying reasons behind your arguments.
  • Take the time to reflect on the new discoveries before discussing them again.
  • Switch to a more positive approach and remember the reasons why you’re in a relationship with your partner. 
  • Try to make some relationship changes together with your partner.
  • Consider giving therapy a try. 

How Do You Cope After An Argument?

Silence, anger, grudges. All this remains if you and your partner don’t know how to cope with your arguments. It takes two to tango and dealing with the aftermath of a fight is essential for ensuring both you and your partner’s points of view were heard and acknowledged. Yes, it may be difficult to make the first step. Say the first “I’m sorry”. Acknowledge your own mistakes. Then, where to start?

  • Take some time to cool off.
  • When you feel it’s right, extend an additional olive branch besides the already spoken “I’m Sorry”..
  • Take the time to listen to your partner’s perspective, and expect the same.
  • Try to acknowledge your partner’s point of view, and share your own.
  • It is good to attempt not to share blame.
  • Try discussing the root issue, not details from the fight itself. 
  • Work together with your partner to find a solution and a resolution.

PIVOT Designs Healthy Relationship Workshop Activities That Can Help With Your Arguments

What To Do When You Are Tired Of Fighting

Experiencing arguments and fights in a relationship is difficult. Even sporadic fights can be an emotionally and physically tasking experience that can leave you feeling completely drained once it’s over. The worst thing about relationship arguments is they can occur for a variety of reasons and it can be difficult for you to pinpoint exactly why they’re happening. 

Perhaps you or your partner have experienced relationship betrayal, causing you to be on edge, or one or both of you are high-conflict individuals looking to pick a fight. Sometimes, it may be because both partners are experiencing dissatisfaction within the relationship, and they are simply not able to better communicate their feelings and desires. 

Determining the cause behind the arguments is an important step in resolving the conflicts. That is what experienced relationship advocates at PIVOT can help you with. We have created both individual workshops for couple relationship management, as well as group relationship emotional coaching sessions meant to help resolve the problems between you and your partner. Call us today and seek the support you need. 

Insecure Anxious Attachment

Struggling with jealousy, feeling insecure, and feeling nervous about being separated from your partner are all possible signs of anxious attachment. Rooted in childhood fear of abandonment and feelings of being underappreciated, anxious attachment can affect your adult relationships in a number of ways, often causing trust and intimacy problems. 

If you worry that you have an anxious attachment style, you can learn how to build trust in your relationship by attending a workshop tailored to your unique needs. If you learn more about how anxious attachment comes about, you’ll be able to regulate the difficult emotions triggered by your childhood wounds. Understanding how your early experiences shaped who you are today is the first step in building healthy behavioral patterns and mechanisms. 

Keep reading to learn what anxious attachment is, what may trigger it, and how you can work on changing unhealthy survival patterns.  

What Is Insecure Anxious Attachment?

What Triggers Anxious Attachment

As a kid, you were completely dependent on your parents or caregivers for protection and nurture. If you were denied an appropriate emotional environment in your childhood, you may have developed an insecure attachment pattern. Anxious attachment, in particular, tends to come about in children who get inconsolable when their caregivers neglect and abandon them.

Do you struggle to feel secure in your relationships? Do you experience a deep fear of abandonment and constantly worry about your partner leaving you? Does your complete inner world feel uncertain, as well as your relationships with others? These may all be signs that you  have an anxious attachment style.

What Does Anxious Attachment Look Like?

Not sure if your attachment style could be anxious at times? This may be the case if you: 

  • Struggle with trusting others. Do you often feel like other people don’t have your best interest in mind? Or struggle sharing secrets? Do you expect other people to lie, cheat, or betray you? 
  • Have low self-worth. People with anxious attachment often have low-self esteem and struggle with confidence. 
  • Constantly worry that your partner may abandon you. Do you consider yourself to be clingy? Are you afraid that your partner doesn’t love you or think that they are cheating even if you don’t have a good reason to believe so? 
  • Crave intimacy and closeness. You want to be loved and valued in your relationship, yet often overstep boundaries when seeking intimacy. 
  • Seek frequent reassurance from your loved ones. It is perfectly natural to seek validation and appreciation from others. However, anxious attachment may take this to another level, causing a compulsive need for reassurance. 
  • Are highly sensitive to the moods and actions of your partner. How easy is it for you to differentiate between your own moods and your partner’s? Do you focus on their emotional state more than your own?  
  • Tend to be impulsive, moody, and highly emotional. Individuals with anxious attachment often experience shifting and unstable moods. They may act without thinking and struggle with self-regulation

What Triggers Anxious Attachment?

While it is not entirely clear to define everything that may cause anxious attachment, inconsistent parenting seems to be an important contributing factor. 

If your parents or caregivers were nurturing and loving at some times and emotionally unavailable or cold at others, it may have caused you to become insecure and confused. As a child, you didn’t know what to expect from your parents and their actions therefore if can leave you with a feeling of unmet longing.  craved their love and protection. 

Parents who struggle to respond adequately to signs of distress in their child may also contribute to anxious attachment. For example, they may consistently not pick up their crying child because they don’t want to “spoil” the child. Other inconsistent parenting patterns may include harsh criticism, insensitivity, and ambivalence. All of this may cause the child to become “whiny” or “clingy”, and transfer these learned behaviors into adulthood. 

As your attachment style is adopted in a critical period of your upbringing, it can be difficult to overcome, just like it is to break free from dysfunctional family patterns in general. However hard it may be, it is possible to heal your inner child and adjust your behavioral patterns in a beneficial way. 

You can learn how to value yourself and meet your own needs. Awareness and understanding of your survival patterns can help you create stronger relationships and create your own set of values and goals. 

How Do I Change My Anxious Attachment Style?

While it may not be possible to change the attachment patterns you developed as a child, you can learn how to feel safer and more secure in your romantic relationships. Self-awareness and conscious effort are a big part of this. Try the following steps: 

  • Try to observe and become aware of your typical modes of interaction in relationships. 
  • Identify the emotions underlying your insecurity and anxiety as well as your reactions to them.
  • Practice self-regulation strategies and work on controlling your impulses.
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation. This can help you control your impulses and reactions in a calm, thoughtful manner. 
  • Contact an experienced relationship coach who can provide you with effective strategies for healing your childhood wounds. 

Attend A Relationship Building Skills Workshop & Gain Awareness Of Your Attachment Patterns 

What Does Anxious Attachment Look Like

At PIVOT, we understand how hard it can be to change learned behaviors and create more secure relationships. We want to provide you with resources and strategies for understanding your survival patterns and effectively managing difficult emotions. Our experience and expertise-based relational modules and tailored workshops for couples are designed to enable your healthy adult to emerge and repair the actions that are no longer serving you. 

Remember that you can bring your highest self to consciousness and choose healthier mechanisms for creating connections in your life. The compassionate team at PIVOT will show you how to think rationally (THINK), develop emotional intelligence (FEEL) and take healthy action (DO) to improve your well-being and eliminate drama. Contact PIVOT now and start your journey to becoming a healthy adult!