Author: Lori Jean Glass

For many people, experiencing love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. You may find yourself flooded by emotional responses and eager for the object of your love to be wrapped up in all of the intensity and intimacy of these feelings. 

For others, however, love may look very different. It may be more reserved, less vulnerable, even protective. For people with avoidant attachment, it may read to your partners like you have love avoidance, or as though you are simply not able to love as deeply as they are.

The truth is that people with avoidant attachment often desire love, in fact they are often hungry for love. Past experiences, maybe in childhood, maybe related to betrayal or relational trauma, may make somebody feel very cautious and avoidant when they are falling in love and creating commitment. For these people, depth happens slowly, and big, engulfing emotions may feel overwhelming to them. 

People with avoidant attachment may experience a real (conscious or unconscious) fear towards intimate connections. This fear can make it seem like these individuals are prone to reject love or connection. However, that’s usually far from the truth. Like all of us, they crave love and yearn for the intimacy that comes from being truly seen and accepted. Deep down, like everyone else, they are eager to hear: “You matter! You’re worth it!”

The challenge for people with avoidant attachment is that past experiences have shaped their ability to experience deep emotional intimacy, and have changed their core they way they approach trust and safety in relationships.  This is why it’s helpful for avoidant attachers and the people that love them to really understand this pattern and how it originated. Thankfully, there are ways for these individuals and their loving partners to navigate connection and to build healthy, authentic relationships. 

What Is Avoidant Attachment Style?

Avoidant attachment in relationships is best understood when we look at the origin of the concept – Attachment Theory (Bowlby and Ainsworth.) The theory proposes that our early experiences with caregivers shape the way we form emotional bonds and connections later in life. 

At Pivot, we also recognize that sometimes events later in life, like a traumatic event, a severe breach of trust, or major life changes can alter the way we attach to others. Because of this, an attachment style can change. For example, a person who has had secure attachment with a partner, and then had an unexpected betrayal trauma, may move into avoidant attachment for some time out of a sense of self-protection. 

We also support people to recognize that, although a person may default frequently to one attachment style more than others in intimate relationships, we can show up with different kinds of attachment energy in different situations with different kinds of people. For example, someone who is avoidant with their primary romantic partner may have secure traits with a sibling and anxious traits with an employer. We think of attachment as fluid energy that is dynamically shaped by the nature of the person and circumstances of the relationship. 

In general, however, attachment styles are molded by our experiences with our early childhood caregivers. These early relationships become internal working models, influencing how we approach intimacy, trust, and vulnerability as adults. If a child’s needs weren’t met, and they did not experience emotional and/or physical safety in their development, they may have a hard time trusting that others will meet their needs and provide safety throughout their lives.  Sometimes over-protectiveness or smothering parental styles can also create avoidant attachment, as adult intimacy may trigger the emotionally engulfed experiences they lived through in childhood. 

Avoidant attachment style can feel like love avoidance to their partner because there is some characteristic caution around emotional intimacy. This leads them to process connection, safety and trust, and respond to it in a way that ensures autonomy and protection from the pain that may result from leaving oneself vulnerable.

What Is The Cause Of Love Avoidance?

People with avoidant attachment often had caregivers who were emotionally distant, inconsistent, or dismissive of their needs during infancy and early childhood. Sometimes this might look like overt abuse and neglect. Other times it may be that a parent was unable or unskilled at giving the proper amount of nurturing required for a vulnerable child. 

Children who grow up in these environments often learn how to shut down, minimize or neutralize their emotional responses. Maybe they’ve realized that vocalizing and expressing emotional needs does not create any kind of soothing response, or perhaps it even created a negative response that made their emotional distress worse. An example would be a crying toddler who is repeatedly told to “knock it off” or “quit your crying!” or perhaps a slap, spanking, or being placed in isolation followed. The original need – the reason the child was crying – may not be appreciated and tended to. For this child, the lesson is that expressing emotions and seeking emotional support causes more pain. 

Over time, this child may adaptively learn that self-reliance is their most successful coping mechanism. This can develop into avoidant attachment in their future relationships. The important thing to realize is that this attachment style developed out of protection, and when it took root, it helped keep this child emotionally safe. 

The challenge comes when the emotional avoidance begins to create distance and challenge in the adult relationships that this person cares about. For the avoidantly attached person, it’s often helpful to look at the origin story of their attachment, and create new messages of safety and emotional security, effectively “re-parenting” their inner child. It takes work, but it IS possible to move into secure attachment after a childhood that left someone attaching avoidantly. 

When we really look at the way avoidant attachment develops, it’s easy to see why deep vulnerability and emotional depths intuitively feel wrong to this type of person. They may equate this degree of closeness to a loss of independence, a threat to autonomy, or a challenge to their staunch self-reliance… all of which have been protectively effective for them in the past. 

This is why avoidants may find themself conflicted when it comes to love. On one hand, they crave emotional closeness and connection. On the other hand, the thought of mutual emotional vulnerability raises their hackles. 

How Does Avoidant Attachment Look In Relationships?

Understanding how avoidant attachment affects relationships can prove immensely helpful for both sides involved. For the avoidant, it can be an excellent aid in identifying underlying factors and areas that need addressing. As for those who love someone with an avoidant attachment style, this knowledge can provide a fresh viewpoint. Having empathy and understanding for an avoidant attacher can help their partner approach the relationship in new, healthy ways. Below are some of the most frequent signs of avoidant attachment.

Difficulty Expressing Love and Other Serious Emotions

As we already mentioned, avoidants often find it challenging to express feelings openly. Their discomfort with physical or emotional displays of affection can make their partners feel rejected or unloved, or can leave them feeling conflicted and confused.

It would be a mistake to say that avoidant attachers are always “emotionally unavailable.” Sometimes avoidant partners are available for emotions, but they may be unskilled in expressing and receiving them, or vulnerability may feel unsafe or uncomfortable for them. Rather than emotional unavailability, most avoidant attachers have a limited emotional range, but are available for closeness. 

Avoidants may make people feel like they are keeping them at a distance, however, beneath the surface, the avoidant heart might be yearning for closeness. This is the primary reason why walking away from an avoidant should not be a first choice but, rather, a last resort.

A Devotion to the Pursuit Of Independence And Self-Sufficiency

Avoidants value their autonomy and self-sufficiency – this is the trait they adapted into as children when they experienced painful consequences to vulnerability, This often drives them to prioritize personal goals and pursuits (e.g. career, academic achievements, etc.) over the needs of their relationships.

In all relationships, a healthy sense of autonomy and independence is important. For the avoidant attacher, however, it is not intended to develop the unique individuality that benefits the relationship – rather, it feels like an essential survival need and often provides a sense of relief from the emotional demands of the relationship. For this reason, it’s essential for avoidants to strive toward a balance between honoring their independence and nurturing the emotional bond with their partner

Fear Of Commitment

Willingness to commit is the cornerstone of most long-lasting relationships. For avoidants, however, the concept can feel incredibly uncomfortable, triggering anxiety and a sense of entrapment at the mere thought of it.

After all, commitment entails a vulnerability and openness, which normally deepen over time. Vulnerability and openness are two things the avoidant attacher may intuitively feel like stepping back from. Acknowledging and confronting this fear can often be a gateway to forming a deep, healthy connection.

Can Avoidants Be Good Partners?

The answer to this question is never as simple as “yes” or “no”. Like all things in life, it’s much more nuanced than that. In general, the success of the relationship lies in either the avoidant partner’s willingness to grow and adapt to a new dimension of emotional trust and safety, or the partner of the avoidant to adapt their emotional expectations. 

Two avoidants who can both agree that a wide swath of personal freedom, limited emotional interdependence, and shallow vulnerability work for them can potentially have a successful relationship, even if it looks different than what social norms might dictate. This type of relationship is uncommon, but it can happen.

On the other hand, an avoidant attacher and an anxious or an ambivalent attacher usually feel quite challenged in understanding and meeting each other’s needs. Ironically, it is not uncommon to find that avoidant and anxious or ambivalent attachers attract each other. In these kinds of circumstances, a mutual commitment for healthy growth and a willingness to shift is usually a necessary part of long-term success.

The truth is that avoidant behaviors (e.g. emotional withdrawal, commitment challenges, etc.), while potentially protective in the past, normally do not benefit adult relationships with emotional maturity. In fact, they can (and often do) derail authentic connection.

The first step toward becoming a better partner as an avoidant is self-awareness. This starts with recognizing that, while your patterns may have kept you safe, they may have also kept you lonely, disconnected or unfulfilled. By recognizing avoidant tendencies and acknowledging harmful behavioral patterns, a person can begin to actively challenge them to “make room” for healthier emotional expression.

PIVOT Helps You Take The First Step Toward Overcoming Avoidant Attachment Style

Whether it is you or your partner who’s trapped in a love avoidance cycle, know that help overcoming avoidant attachments is within your reach. PIVOT is here to provide the support you need to change the way you approach relationships and, in doing so, make yourself open to the genuine connection you deserve.

We can help you take that deep, crucial look at how your early life experiences may have shaped your ability to connect with others in the here-and-now. We will also help you understand how significant adolescent and/or adult experiences like relational trauma, betrayal, grief or other circumstances may have altered your attachment style. When we understand the origin of our patterns, we empower ourselves with greater agency to Pivot out of them and into new, healthier realities. 

Join us at our Glass House retreat, where you’ll find a safe space to recover your self esteem and explore the main attachment styles and unravel the emotional barriers that may have held you back. Our experienced team is here to guide you every step of the way, offering personalized coaching sessions that cater to your unique needs and challenges.

Our coaches are here to provide emotional support, teach you about the different adult attachment styles, provide you with healthy mechanisms to develop emotional intimacy, and show you all the benefits of a secure attachment bond in close relationships.

Avoidant attachment is not set in stone nor is it a fixed destiny. It doesn’t have to control your life. So take that courageous first step, reach out to us today, and begin your journey of self-discovery and emotional growth.

Love is probably the most discussed emotion in the realm of human feelings. We know it when we feel it – we feel the void when it is absent. We may not be able to easily define it, but we generally all accept that experiencing love is essential to the human experience. 

In its purest form, love is like a silken thread that holds the tapestries of our lives together. It is present in warm memories, valuable relationships, and rich experiences. Love can be a motivating force – an invisible power that uplifts and inspires, a state of mind that transcends the ordinary, a wind beneath our wings that can drive us to be the best versions of ourselves.

For some, however, love feels frustratingly elusive and scarce. The hungry pursuit of love creates a desperate longing, a frantic quest for the intangible thing that others seem to have gathered in abundance. No matter how many moments of fondness, connection, intimacy, or emotional vulnerability this person shares with another, it may never be enough. It may never feel like the experiences have quenched the longing for love that drives their pursuits.

Welcome to the realm of “love addiction”.  This is a term that some have used to describe the experience of being so consumed by the intense pursuit of relational connection that the obsessive feelings actually inhibit the development of healthy relationships, and result in negative consequences. At Pivot, we agree that obsessive thinking and maladaptive behavior patterns exist, but we look at it a little differently.

Love isn’t actually addictive. That’s right. That’s what we believe, even though it may not match  what you’re read or heard before now. Love isn’t addictive. We believe that love, like happiness, contentment, or other pleasurable emotions, can exist plentifully without causing harm. Being flooded in love, committed to love, or learning to live in the constant spirit of love isn’t inherently toxic – at least not in the way that we would think of being committed to a substance or addictive behavior like gambling would cause concrete damage. 

When people talk about being “addicted to love”, what we’ve discovered is that they are usually caught in pathological cycles of unhealthy behavior as they (often unconsciously) attempt to repair early attachment wounds. This attachment dysregulation looks like what people would call “love addiction.” What people in this category are usually chasing, however, is not the love of the partner or current object of their obsession – it’s the unmet emotional needs and sense of psychological security that they truly needed in an earlier developmental stage. 

If that rewording sounds like a distinction without a difference to you, then consider this. If the problem is “love addiction” – if, like other addictions, the person in question is not able to responsibly manage love – then the logical conclusion would be something like abstinence or minimal “usage.” The “cure” would be love reduction.

When we think of those same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as resulting from attachment injuries, then the “cure” looks very different. Love – real secure love – can be a healing, corrective force in the person’s life rather than a frightening temptation – a craving to be fought off. The “treatment” for attachment injury starts with the most vital love of all – that which is directed inward. 

Those who find themselves in this category may feel like they are on an incessant quest for validation, fostering a ravenous hunger for connection partnered with a deep-seated fear of abandonment. They are consumed by an all-encompassing belief that the right romantic connection will finally make them feel “loved.” In this sense, “loved” means healed, secure, emotionally safe, and free from the constant relational anxiety that their attachment injuries have created. 

Those who have been described as love addicts are often experiencing anxious attachment. This is a state that leaves people in an ongoing pursuit to repair their old emotional injuries through romantic relationships. This is normally accompanied by a poor sense of self-worth. In their relentless pursuit of the right, reparative relationship. they may neglect their own well-being, willingly sacrificing personal boundaries, and losing their own identity in the process. 

They also may often try to force relationships that are not healthy or loving, driven by the underlying fear that being alone would confirm their poor self-esteem. For then, being in toxic dynamics feels better than being alone. 

Like a complex puzzle, this anxious attachment is composed of interlocking pieces, including the individual’s past, the relationships their caregivers modeled, and their early experiences with love. Things like rejection, betrayal, and relational trauma also play a role. We are like books that were written early in our lives but are always being edited and updated. The good news about that is that this means that we can change the way we attach and that we can experience relational security. 

What Is Love Addiction?

Again, a reminder that at PIVOT, we don’t use the term love addiction. We also recognize that many people do. It’s a well-used phrase in the area of relational health. In fact, you have landed here on this article specifically because you searched for “love addiction.”

We also recognize that the term “love addiction” may create some specific negative responses for those struggling with anxious attachment. Being told you’re addicted to love may feel shaming, daunting, or may leave you wondering how you’ll ever have a normal relationship if you can’t be trusted to manage love. Don’t worry – we believe that once you understand and work toward healing the underlying attachment injuries, that you can flourish safely with love!

In this article, we will speak to “love addiction” as it is commonly understood, and shine light onto how anxious attachment patterns drive “love addiction.” 

“Love addiction”  is not merely a “penchant for romance” nor the thrilling sensation of falling head over heels for someone. It goes way beyond that. Imagine feeling like you can’t breathe, can’t think, maybe can’t even go on, if you think your significant other may be pulling away. AND… you are constantly perceiving rejection and relationship risk everywhere.

This is how love addicts feel: constantly overwhelmed by the emotional dependence on another person, yearning for connection and affection to such a degree that it can consume every aspect of their life. Their obsessive behavior not only fails to create the relationship security they’re desperately seeking, it often pushes their partner further away – thus creating the dreadful reality that their anxious attachment fearfully predicted. 

This behavior may ultimately result in them making their romantic interest into the focal point of their entire existence. They often put their partners on a proverbial pedestal, sacrificing their own interests and well-being just to maintain the connection. They are afraid to set boundaries, to ask for their needs to be met, or to create any disruption that may alienate their partner. 

At the same time, they may be also blasting their partner with demands for relational confirmation and validation. They may frequently ask “do you love me?”, “are you attracted to me?”, or “do I make you happy?” They may feel that investigative strategies like checking their phone, email or social media can help them avoid or prepare for the painful expectation of rejection. 

Unfortunately, these relentless (and endless) pursuits can also lead to a profound sense of emptiness when a love addict’s partner isn’t around. Additionally, the normal range of relationship challenges and tribulations may feel devastating for them.

Love addiction is often termed that way because the sufferers feel trapped in a cycle of seeking out a “hit”, receiving a temporary “fix”, and then “crashing” into despair when that love is threatened or lost. It feels like they are 

What Is The Connection Between Love Addiction & True Addiction?

It’s important to note that Love Addiction is not diagnostically recognized and does not appear in the DSM V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.)  Anxious attachment is often diagnostically recognized as an anxiety disorder or as traits or diagnostic criteria of personality disorders. For both “love addiction” and anxious attachment, we can identify some similarities to other diagnostic addictions (like Substance Use Disorder or SUD). Often people recognize their patterns in these descriptions of pathological behaviors:

• Compulsive actions and craving: Emotionally, one may crave (have an intense psychological and physiological longing for) emotional connection and validation from their partners, while individuals with SUD experience an overpowering craving for a substance. In both cases, the desire is so intense that it becomes difficult to resist, potentially leading to a loss of control over one’s actions.
• Temporary highs and lows: “Love addicts” feel a surge of euphoria when their partners reciprocate their affection, while individuals using drugs or alcohol experience a temporary high. However, the fleeting nature of these positive feelings is unsustainable, leading to emotional crashes and a state of despair and emptiness in the absence of the rush.
• Dependency and withdrawal: “Love addicts” become emotionally dependent on their partners, relying on them for validation and a sense of self-worth. Similarly, individuals with SUD develop physical and/or psychological dependence on drugs or alcohol, requiring more and more to create the desired effect, and a painful withdrawal in its absence..
• Coping with difficult feelings: Over-indulgence of any soothing behavior can sometimes be a way of coping with feelings of pain and loneliness. Both “love addicts” and persons with SUDs may be driven by underlying trauma, fears, pain and anxiety.
• Interference with daily life: Both types of obsessions can interfere with an individual’s daily life and responsibilities. A “love addict” may neglect personal commitments, hobbies, and friendships in their all-consuming pursuit of love in the same way a SUD-affected person can neglect work, family, and social obligations due to the preoccupation with obtaining and using drugs.
• Cycle of craving and relapse: “Love addicts” may repeatedly seek new relationships or return to unhealthy ones despite past negative experiences. Similarly, individuals with substance use disorder may attempt to quit using drugs but face relapses due to the addictive nature of the substances.

Despite these similarities, it’s essential to acknowledge some significant differences between love addiction and substance use disorder. The first and most important distinction is that for the “love addict” it is not per-se the LOVE that is creating the toxic damage in their life. It is the maladaptive attempts to create dysfunctional attachment repair. In other words, you can have tragic outcomes that result from behaviors rooted in trauma, but you can’t overdose on love. 

Second, SUD is clinically diagnosable, unlike love addiction. It is a disease that requires medical treatment, whereas the latter is a compulsive behavior that can be addressed through counseling or therapy.

What Causes “Love Addiction”?

Most unwanted behavior patterns are complex and can stem from various underlying factors. Love addiction specifically often finds its roots in childhood experiences and relationships, as well as past traumas. These combine to form the attachment storm that feels like love addiction.

The Impact Of Childhood Experiences

• Inconsistent or conditional support: Children who had their emotional needs met sporadically or only when they met certain conditions may internalize a fear that love is transient and can be lost at any moment, and that people who “love” you are unreliable.
• Emotional neglect: Growing up in an emotionally distant environment can leave individuals starved for affection and longing for deep emotional connections in adulthood. This can also install a deep sense of unworthiness.
• Early Developmental Attachment: Infancy and early childhood attachment styles with caregivers shape how individuals experience relationships later in life. Caregiver styles that resulted in anxious or insecure attachment styles can result in the characteristics often described as  love addiction.
• Caregiver Modeling: The relationship attachment style that is demonstrated by early caregivers imprints a dynamic that becomes normalized to the child. If the relationship(s) modeled were highly dysregulated, the child may grow up without a core concept of relational security and healthy relationship dynamics..

The Role Of Past Traumas

• Using New Partners to Heal From Old Partners: Experiencing heartbreak or past emotional traumas may drive an individual to seek solace and healing through new relationships. This creates a belief that romance is required to make them feel better, and they are stunted in developing internal resources and resilience.
• Escaping loneliness: For people with past relational trauma and attachment injuries, being alone with their own thoughts and feelings may be very challenging. This can drive them to be in relationships at all costs. 
• Fear of vulnerability: Past traumas can lead to a fear of vulnerability. If opening up created risk and lack of safety in the past, a person may feel particularly fearful about being rejected or hurt again. 

What Attachment Style Is Love Addiction?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, posits that early interactions with caregivers shape our attachment styles which, in turn, influence how we form and maintain relationships in adulthood.

His theory defines a secure attachment style, as well as insecure attachment styles, including disorganized attachment style (fearful-avoidant) and avoidant attachment style, while the anxious attachment style corresponds the most to love addiction, due to its key characteristics:

• Constant worry about the fidelity and devotion of their partner
• Hypersensitivity to perceived threats to the relationship
• Desire for continued reassurance and validation from their partner
• Persistent fear of abandonment or rejection
• Overwhelming emotional needs that may push their partner away
• Willing to accept quantity of connection rather than quality. Will stay in unhealthy dynamics too long.
• Value their partners’ opinions and beliefs over their own

Individuals with an anxious attachment style often worry excessively about the relationship and their partner. Their low sense of worthiness drives a consistent fear of relational collapse. 

How Is Anxious Attachment Connected To Love Addiction?

We can confidently conclude that “love addiction” and anxious attachment are often different titles for the same script. We prefer referring to anxious attachment because we can address it’s care and healing with a clear, shameless process. While the term “love addiction” may resonate more with you, both essentially describe the same core characteristics:

• There is a constant fear of abandonment driving the person to cling to their romantic partner which, in turn, makes them more likely to ultimately be rejected, which deepens the anxiety. This is the cycle of intensification. 
• Their intense need for validation and reassurance creates ongoing challenges. The psychic tension between their deep longing to have their emotional needs met and the intense fear of alienating their partner leaves them in a no-win situation. This results in shame and an even lower sense of self-worth. 
• These individuals may become overly possessive, investigative, jealous, or manipulative in an attempt to keep their partner close. The ends justify the means to them if it means not being alone. 

Summed up, these behaviors that stem from the anxious attachment style can create a turbulent cycle in the relationship. They often find themselves unintentionally creating the very painful experiences of rejection that they were desperate to prevent 

How To Deal With Anxious Attachment?

While dealing with insecure attachment styles like anxious attachment can feel challenging, it is not impossible. Whether you are a person with anxious attachment, or you love someone who fits this profile, there is help.  Here are several steps that can put the person on a track to recovery:

• Learn to recognize and acknowledge the anxious attachment triggers and patterns is the first step toward healing. What kinds of people and situations create the most disproportionate responses?
• Engaging in relationship coaching, therapy or counseling can help address the root causes of the problem and help a person build healthier relationship patterns. Seek someone like the professionals at Pivot, who has an understanding of attachment and developmental psychology. 
• Practicing self-compassion and nurturing a sense of self-worth can reduce the need for external validation. Intentional focus on loving the self is essential. 

Lift Yourself Above Insecure Anxious Attachment With PIVOT’s Help

Whether you’re dating someone with an anxious attachment, or you yourself identify with this profile, know that your situation is far from hopeless. At PIVOT’s state-of-the-art Glass House retreat, you can acquire all the tools you need to overcome insecure attachments. We truly help you to understand yourself better, We also recognize that people with anxious attachment often need support to cope with avoidance and ambivalence as well. Often anxious attachment attracts avoidant or ambivalent attachment. When you learn how to understand and care for your own responses, you can begin to approach your romantic relationships in a healthy way.

We’ll help you look at your attachment style by taking a sincere and honest look at your own personal history and your current patterns. Our experts will be there to assist you in regaining your self esteem and changing the way your future looks. Every session takes place under the watchful eyes of our experienced personal coaches, so you can rest assured that you’ll have the guidance and support you need every step of the way. 

If a retreat setting sounds like too much for you, we can custom build a personal intensive just for you, or we can break it down into bite-sized pieces during weekly coaching sessions. 

Give us a call today and embrace the brighter tomorrow you deserve.

“Attachment” is a term meant to describe the way that we connect with each other in the context of emotional safety and trust. When Attachment Theory was developed (Bowlby and Ainsworth), the concept was given that early in life, the way a child’s needs are met (or not) impacts the way that they will experience relational security throughout their lives.

If we think about it, attachment isn’t just an abstract emotional theory – it’s a survival need. Evolutionarily speaking, a helpless infant’s chances of survival go way up if it is securely attached to a primary caregiver. Likewise, an adult’s chances of survival go way up if they are able to attach and integrate securely into the tribe. We are hardwired to connect with others and to create interpersonal safety. .

Secure attachment looks like feeling acknowledged, understood and valued in a relationship. There is an ability to communicate with safety and the people involved help each other’s (and their own) emotional needs to be met.

Not all attachment looks emotionally secure, however. Based on considerations like what you experienced in childhood, relational trauma, grief and loss, or other factors, you may attach in a way that feels anxious, avoidant or ambivalent. These styles of attachment can affect the quality of your relationships and leave you and your partner feeling anything from obsessive to resistant to confused to stuck.  

Throughout our lives we interact with people and create attachments in our relationships. Sometimes we have different styles of attaching with different kinds of people. Each relationship domain may have different attachment energy based on how you show up with that person. For example, you may have anxious attachment  to your employer because, even though you have a comfortable relationship, there is a hunger to please them, a persistent worry that they may not approve of you, and pre-existing financial fears. You may have a bit of avoidant attachment with a family member that is hyper critical of your life choices. And in the middle of all of this, you may have secure attachment with your primary partner. 

When we understand the nuances of the four primary attachment styles, we can really get to the heart of our patterns and our relational behavior. We can begin to make sense of why we do the things we do, and where those relational traits come from. 

As we navigate through our day to day life, we form relationships at virtually every step of the way. Some of those interactions end up being close relationships that drive us to form deeper, more meaningful emotional connections. 

Some of these connections develop a closeness that makes us feel acknowledged, understood, and loved for who we are. In other words, we  form a close attachment. It is a fundamental aspect of human behavior that shapes the way we form connections and interact with others. 

However, not all styles of attaching are the same, although they do share a common denominator. Each significantly influences how we perceive ourselves and others, impacting our emotional well-being and the quality of our current and future relationships. 

For this reason, it is essential to familiarize ourselves with different attachment styles, including the secure attachment, the avoidant attachment, the ambivalent attachment, as well as the anxious attachment. All of these attachment styles provide us with a framework to better comprehend the complex nature of human behavior, especially in the romantic relationship domain.

What Do The 4 Attachment Styles Mean?

In the 1950s, psychologist John Bowlby developed the Attachment Theory, a prominent framework for understanding human behavior and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships through four adult attachment styles. His work revolutionized our understanding of how early childhood experiences with primary caregivers shape our attachment styles in relationships and subsequent behaviors in adulthood.

Four main adult relationships attachment styles in psychology, that are at the core of this framework are:

• Secure attachment style;
• Anxious attachment style (Preoccupied; in children: anxious-ambivalent);
• Avoidant attachment style (Dismissive; in children: anxious-avoidant);
• Disorganized attachment style (in children: Fearful-Avoidant).

Out of the four, the latter three are known as “insecure attachment styles”, due to the way they manifest.

By exploring these four styles, we can gain valuable insights into the patterns and dynamics that influence our interactions with others. Additionally, we can learn to nurture attachments that lead to enhanced emotional well-being and fulfilling connections.

At PIVOT, we look at these attachment styles through the lens of energy which we will speak to at the end of this article.  The reason for this is that individuals rarely connect using one style in everyday life.

Secure Attachment Style: The Foundation Of Trust And Security

This attachment style forms the bedrock of healthy relationships. Securely attached adults feel comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy, as well as independence, displaying a sense of trust, security, and emotional availability. They have confidence in their worthiness of love and exhibit effective communication skills and empathy.

Strengths:

• Strong sense of self-worth and confidence;
• Capable of forming healthy, fulfilling intimate relationships;
• Effective communication skills;
• Comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy.

Challenges:

• May struggle to empathize with individuals with insecure attachment styles;
• May have difficulty understanding the experiences of those with insecure attachment styles.

In intimate relationships, these individuals can provide support and comfort to their romantic partners, while also maintaining their own autonomy. They understand the importance of open communication, express their needs clearly, and readily seek and offer support when needed. Strong sense of self-worth and believing in the reliability of others, allows securely attached individuals to foster romantic relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional connection through secure attachment behaviors.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style: The Quest For Reassurance

Individuals with an anxious attachment style crave deep emotional connection and reassurance from their partners. However, they often experience heightened anxiety and fear regarding abandonment or rejection, which can lead them to display clingy behavior, as well as struggle with boundaries. If they possess this as one of the main attachment styles, individuals who fall into the anxious attachment style category often exhibit the following traits:

Strengths:

• Deep capacity for emotional connection and empathy;
• Strong desire for closeness and intimacy;
• Attuned to the emotional needs of others.

Challenges:

• Heightened anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment;
• Tendency to seek constant reassurance and validation;
• Potential for emotional reactivity and clingy behavior.

In romantic relationships, these individuals tend to be more emotionally reactive (as opposed to proactive) and may be hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or neglect. They desire constant closeness and reassurance, frequently seeking validation from their partners to alleviate their anxieties.

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment Style: Independence Over Intimacy

Individuals fostering avoidant attachment value independence and self-reliance above deep emotional connection. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often prioritize maintaining their own autonomy, which can drive them to downplay the importance of close relationships. Furthermore, they may struggle with vulnerability and emotional expression, which can manifest as a tendency to avoid intimacy.

Strengths:

• Emphasizes independence and self-reliance;
• Comfortable with personal space and autonomy;
• May excel in maintaining individuality within adult romantic relationships.

Challenges:

• Difficulty expressing emotions and vulnerabilities;
• May struggle with forming deep emotional connections;
• Tendency to avoid intimacy and emotional closeness.

In romantic relationships, avoidants may often seek to maintain control over their emotions, preferring self-sufficiency over-relying on others for support. This can make it difficult for them to empathize with their partner’s needs and feelings, which is why they often appear emotionally distant or detached.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style (at PIVOT, we call this Ambivalent): Torn Between Closeness And Independence

Individuals with this attachment style often struggle with ambivalent feelings, simultaneously desiring intimacy while fearing rejection and abandonment. At PIVOT, we call this Ambivalent. They may display erratic behaviors, fluctuating between moments of seeking connection and moments of pushing others away.

Strengths:

• Deep capacity for emotional depth and intensity;
• Strong desire for both closeness and independence;
• Reflective and introspective nature.

Challenges:

• Internal conflict and fear of rejection and engulfment, often accompanied by negative self image;
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining stable relationships;
• Struggle with vulnerability and may exhibit erratic behaviors.

In romantic relationships, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may experience a constant inner tug-of-war, vacillating between moments of seeking closeness and then retreating due to fear of emotional pain. These individuals may exhibit a fear of rejection or engulfment, leading to difficulties in establishing and maintaining stable, trusting adult relationships.

Is There A Best Attachment Style?

Due to it fostering trust, emotional availability, and effective communication (among other strengths), the secure attachment style is generally considered the most adaptive and desirable. However, it’s important to note that this doesn’t mean other styles are inherently bad or that individuals fostering them are doomed to fail in their close relationships.

As we’ve seen, attachment styles vary in their characteristics and tendencies, with each having its own strengths and challenges. Additionally, these behaviors develop based on early experiences and the environment in which individuals grew up.

What we can extrapolate from this is that attachment styles are still learned behaviors. Deeply ingrained ones, yes, but still learned, which means a person can learn to manage and, in some cases, instigate a complete attachment style change, swapping an insecure for a healthier, more secure attachment type.

In a lot of cases, doing so will require a lot of practice, most likely aided by a professional (personal coach or therapist). It is a daunting prospect but the rewards are more than worth the effort, as a person can cultivate more secure attachment patterns leading to them developing healthier, more fulfilling, and secure relationships.

We like to think of attachment as energy so clients can understand how they are attaching in “real time” meaning in the moment.  Someone might attach securely to their best friend whom they trust and anxiously to a co-worker whom they don’t trust.  Pivoting from one style to another can happen with healthy boundaries and self-esteem.

What Is The Unhealthiest Attachment Style?

The fourth attachment style (fearful-avoidant which we call Ambivalent) is commonly regarded as the unhealthiest, mainly due to its conflicting nature. As we said, individuals with this style are often in a state of internal struggle and emotional turmoil.

On the one hand, they experience a deep longing for emotional connection. On the other, there’s the fear of rejection or engulfment. This state of being “trapped between heaven and hell” can drive a person to oscillate between moments of seeking closeness and then withdrawing to protect themselves from potential emotional pain.

Needless to say, this inconsistency can make it incredibly complex and challenging for the ambivalent to establish and maintain stable, trusting relationships. However, it is once again important to recognize that this is a learned behavior.

Ambivalent attachment style often stems from earlier life experiences, such as inconsistent caregiving or traumatic events that have caused deep-seated fear and mistrust, both of which can be addressed with professional help, and quite successfully.

Can I Have All 4 Attachment Styles?

Yes. It is important to note that attachment styles are not fixed or static. They can change over time and be influenced by various factors such as personal growth, life experiences, and therapeutic interventions. And, as mentioned above, you can have varying styles based on the nature of the relationship or situation. 

What this implies is that individuals can transition from one dominant attachment style to another as they gain self-awareness and work towards developing more secure attachment styles, as a part of the human development process.

Improve Your Relationships By Making Your Attachment Style More Secure With PIVOT

You no longer have to struggle with insecurities in your relationships just because your attachment style dictates so. All you have to do is seek support from experienced professionals. With PIVOT’s help, you can turn it all around and you can do so in the complete safety of our serene Glass House retreat. Here, our expert personal coaches stand ready to guide you through the process of self-discovery, using tailored techniques and proven therapeutic approaches.

We’ll help you navigate the complexities of your attachment style and equip you with effective coping strategies, empowering you to cultivate more secure and satisfying relationships. Get in touch with us today and embrace the support and guidance that will lead you to a more fulfilled life.

We all love displays of affection hurled our way, especially so when we’re at the precipice of a new romantic relationship. Whether it’s a single rose, a well-placed compliment, or a cute surprise picnic at our favorite park, it makes us feel special, appreciated, wanted, and, above all else – cherished.

But what if those expressions of attraction are so over-the-top and begin at the get-go? Instead of a single rose, a dozen bouquets. Instead of a tasteful compliment, an ongoing torrent of flattery. Instead of an intimate picnic, a lavish dinner at the 5-star restaurant, and all of it on the first few dates.

Is there a point where too much attention is too much? Better yet, is there a point where too much attention becomes dangerous? The answer is “Yes”, and the love bombing cycle may just be the perfect example of it. However, to understand the “Why?”, we first need to find the answer to the question, “What is love bombing, and why is it bad?”.

Is Love Bombing A Red Flag?

Right off the bat, we must say yes, love bombing in relationships can be considered a huge red flag. The reason for this is that, in the vast majority of cases, love bombing has nothing to do with genuine love or even liking.

Why Is Love Bombing Bad?

At its core, love bombing is a manipulation tactic geared toward fostering dependency in the victim. Typically, it overwhelms the recipient with excessive displays of affection and attention, lavish gifts, grand gestures, and a continual stream of compliments.

While this initial intensity may seem benign or even interpreted as a positive, in most instances, it is anything other than that. For in the dictionary of a love bomber, there’s no such thing as “free.” Virtually every action, gesture, and compliment comes with a price, and they’re intent on collecting.

Is Love Bombing Always Bad?

In most instances, the love bombing cycle has a clear-cut purpose: manipulate the recipient’s emotions to establish dominance over them and create a relationship where the balance of power heavily favors the love bomber. 

With this in mind, we can safely say that love bombing in relationships is bad, as it is employed as a means of exerting control for selfish goals rather than as an expression of genuine affection.

Why Love Bombing Is A Red Flag?

The primary reason why love bombing in relationships could be considered a red flag is two-fold:

• Potential for ongoing emotional control: Excessive affection can foster dependency in the victim, rendering them virtually incapable of asserting their own needs and boundaries, making them even more vulnerable to further manipulation;
• Potential for ongoing emotional abuse: Instilling a sense of obligation shifts the power dynamic away from the victim, compelling them to focus on taking care of the manipulator’s needs while disregarding or even ignoring their own well-being.

It must be noted that the progression of this type of manipulation isn’t a straight line. It doesn’t start with excessive shows of affection, and it doesn’t end when the love bomber gets what they need. Rather, it forms what is known as a “love bombing cycle,” a vicious circle in which extreme lows immediately follow intense and short-lived highs.

This typically leaves the victim emotionally starved, yet compelled to do virtually anything to feel valued and appreciated again, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment and even if the intensity of newly shown affection is a pale shadow of what it once was.

Therein lies the actual danger of being trapped in the cycle: existing in this state of emotional tenseness is unsustainable long-term and typically results in significant trauma to the victim’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

What Are The Red Flags During Love Bombing?

Due to the life-shattering potential of love bombing, it is essential to learn to recognize if and when this tactic is being used on you. However, due to its deceptive nature, doing so is easier said than done. Fortunately, there are some specific behaviors taking place during the process that can be considered warning signs. Early love bombing red flag examples may include:

• Expressing deep love and commitment in the early stages of the relationship:

o   Example: “I know we’ve only known each other for a week, but I can’t imagine my life without you.”

• Frequent and exaggerated praise, disproportionate to the length and nature of the relationship:
  • Example: “You’re the most amazing, beautiful, and intelligent person I’ve ever met in my life!”
• Over-the-top gifts and grand gestures that far exceed what can be considered reasonable for the current stage of the relationship:
  • Example: Being given an expensive piece of jewelry after only a few dates (and ensuring you know just how expensive it is).
• Attempts to isolate you from your family and friends and set themselves up as the primary source of emotional support:
  • Example: “I don’t get why you’re hanging out with them. They don’t understand you like I do.”
• Disrespecting/disregarding your boundaries and personal space:
  • Example: Calling or texting you any time of day or night just to “check-in” and keep track of your every move.
• Pushing to take the relationship to the “next level,” even if it’s in its earliest stages:
  • Example: “I know it’s only been a month, but I feel you could move in with me.”

These are the initial strategies love bombers use to lure their targets into committing to the relationship. Once the victim is hooked, however, manipulative tactics become more extreme, and can grow to include:

• Using emotional manipulation strategies (e.g. gaslighting, guilt-tripping, nagging) to make you feel obligated to fulfill their requests or needs:
  • Example: “I’m doing all these amazing things for you. If you loved me, you’d do this one small thing for me.”
• Putting you through an emotional rollercoaster, typically by exhibiting sudden and unpredictable mood swings or changes in behavior and demeanor:
  • Example: Making you feel like you’re the center of the universe for a while, then suddenly devaluing your actions or opinions for a prolonged period.
• Conditioning you to receive affection:
  • Example: Offering praise or physical intimacy almost exclusively as a reward for specific behaviors.

If you notice any signs mentioned above of love bombing in a relationship, it is highly advisable to stop and take a step back. Conduct a deep, thorough evaluation of the relationship as a whole, focusing on aspects such as the fairness of reciprocity, the pace at which it develops, and the potential for long-term sustainability.

While putting your new relationship through such scrutiny can seem a bit excessive, or even extreme, it can give you the clarity necessary to take the next step. Most importantly, it can prevent you from being trapped in a vicious cycle.

Spiral Out Of The Love Bombing Cycle With PIVOT

If you’ve suffered love bombing in a relationship or you’re currently trapped in the cycle of love bombing, know that the means to regaining your freedom and individuality are readily within your reach. At PIVOT, we’re helping our clients rediscover their strengths and resilience through individualized coaching sessions led by compassionate professionals with years of experience.In the soothing environment of our Glass House Retreat, you can learn to recognize the signs of love bombing, gain skills necessary to free yourself from the clutches of manipulation and, in doing so, reclaim your emotional well-being and faith in genuine, loving connections. Reach out to us today to get started!

Love simply happens. It can catch up to us in the most precarious of situations, in the most unexpected of places, and at the most inconvenient of times. However, when it does, there are no two ways of going about it:

Love simply happens. We get caught off guard by a sudden spark promising a deep, passionate fire within. We get thrown off balance by a ripple promising a tidal wave. We get dizzy by fluttering, promising a kaleidoscope of butterflies, each more beautiful than the other. 

Love simply happens. When it does, it is enchanting, confusing, exhilarating, soothing, intriguing, and mysterious – all at the same time. Love can be many things and take many forms; what it isn’t and cannot be is cold, calculating, and misleading.

Love bombing doesn’t simply happen. Unlike genuine affection, love bomb definition is that it is well thought out and has a clear-cut purpose: to entrap a victim in a cycle of dependency that benefits none other than the love bomber themself.

Considering how disruptive and harmful the aftermath of a love bombing can be, it is essential to learn how to tell the difference between the two.

Is Love Bombing Intentional?

Love bombing meaning is that it’s an “emotional manipulation technique, aimed at asserting control over the victim.” Like every conniving tactic, this one also involves actions or behaviors that are purposeful and calculated, with an ulterior motive that serves the manipulator’s end goals.

With this in mind, we can say that love bombing typically is intentional. However, the key word here is “typically”. This implies that there is such a thing as “unintentional love bombing” – and it is more common than initially thought.

Can Someone Love Bomb You Unintentionally?

There are many situations where individuals can display behaviors or actions that resemble love bombing, only without harboring any ulterior motives or malicious intents. For instance, if we consider love bombing vs infatuation or overenthusiasm about a new relationship, the latter two can be intense, overwhelming, or discomforting.

However, don’t perceive a deliberate manipulation attempt right from the get-go. Instead, it may just be a reflection of someone’s personality and their desire to express genuine affection, with the influence of their intense emotions driving them to crank it up to 11.

Another thing that bears mentioning is that individuals with certain attachment styles can be more prone to engaging in behaviors that resemble love bombing. Typically, those with anxious or preoccupied attachment styles might resort to intense displays of affection in their pursuit of closeness, validation, and security in a relationship.

While these inadvertent behaviors may be disconcerting or overwhelming, they cannot be considered “love bombing” in a general sense, as they do not possess the underlying intention to manipulate or control the target.

What Can Be Mistaken For Love Bombing?

When we talk about love bombing vs real love, there’s often an aura of confusion surrounding the topic. The reason for this is that certain behaviors or situations can be misconstrued as manipulation tactics when they are, in fact, genuine expressions of fondness. Some common examples include:

• Genuine (over)enthusiasm: A person fostering sincere excitement about a new relationship may appear overly eager and intense.
• Generosity: Some individuals are generous by nature and enjoy giving gifts to those they like, which can be disconcerting if those gifts become too extravagant or too frequent.
• Effusive personalities: People who tend to express themselves in an unrestrained and heartfelt manner can, sometimes, overwhelm the recipient with affection.
• Early romantic gestures: These are all too common during the early stages of a relationship. However, in their eagerness to display affection, a person may take it a step too far, which can instill some concern in their partner.
• Cultural/societal differences: Different cultures and societies have distinct ways of showing sentiment. What’s considered completely normal in one, can be perceived as inappropriate in the other.
• Intense mutual attraction: Extraordinary chemistry between two people, especially in the early stages of a relationship, can lead to overly strong expressions of affection. However, if one person is not used to or is less comfortable with the level of intensity, they may interpret the actions of their partner the wrong way.

While these situations and behaviors do bear semblance with the love bomb definition, they’re mostly innocent in nature and, in most cases, easily remedied with an honest, open conversation that sets healthy boundaries within a relationship.

How To Tell The Difference Between Love Bombing And Real Affection?

Is it love bombing or genuine? Now, this is a million-dollar question. However, answering it is not that easy, as distinguishing between the two requires a fair amount of insight and a keen eye for behavioral patterns. Here are some key differences you need look out for:

• Pace of the relationship:
  • Love bombing: Intense (verbal) declarations of love, pushing for rapid commitment, and excessive openness early on in the relationship;
  • Genuine affection: A steady progression that allows both individuals to gradually and naturally build a genuine connection based on mutual understanding;
• Respect of boundaries:
  • Love bombing: Intrusive attention, clinginess, and neediness with no regard for the other person’s comfort;
  • Genuine affection: Mutual respect of comfort levels, including the pace of the relationship, displays of love, and individuality;
• Idealization:
  • Love bombing: Lack of acknowledgment or blatant disregard for other person’s flaws, challenges, and limitations (emotional, psychological, physical, or material);
  • Genuine affection: Recognition of imperfections, understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses, followed by genuine attempts to complement (and not change, remove, or perfect) partner’s flaws;
• Communication:
  • Love bombing: One-sided expression without basis in mutual understanding, typically in the form of excessive gift-giving, flattery, compliments, and grand gestures;
  • Genuine affection: Open and honest communication with the intention to understand each other’s feelings, needs, and expectations;
• Reciprocity:
  • Love bombing: Demanding the fulfillment of their needs and constantly asking for more without investing back into the relationship, shifting the balance of power toward the love bomber;
  • Genuine affection: A balanced exchange of affection where both parties contribute to the emotional dynamic of a relationship.
• Consistency:
  • Love bombing: A cycle of intense emotional highs followed by extreme lows; periods of idealization followed by devaluation or withdrawal;
  • Genuine affection: A steady expression of love and care by both sides over the course of the relationship, with only minute and mostly situational oscillations.

Do Love Bombers Actually Love You?

In general, love bombers’ intentions and goals are rarely (if ever) rooted in genuine love or affection. Once again, we must reiterate that love bombing is a manipulation tactic. As such, the motivations behind it are typically self-serving, aimed at fulfilling the manipulator’s own needs, without regard for the well-being of their victim.

Escape The Love Bomb Trap With Assistance From PIVOT

The aftermath of a love bombing can be devastating. Fortunately, it’s nothing you can’t recover from with comprehensive guidance and compassionate support. Here at PIVOT, we’re offering both and more.

Our adept team stands ready to equip you with the tools and skills necessary to regain control of your life, either through group or individual, one-on-one coaching sessions, tailored to your specific needs.

Join us at our Glass House Retreat as you embark on the journey toward rediscovering the true meaning of love and make yourself ready to build the meaningful relationships that you deserve. Reach out today!

Picture this: you meet someone and find yourself on the precipice of a nuclear romance. This new person is the epitome of charm, sending a tidal wave of affection and admiration your way, a true dream come true.

As the relationship soars, you find yourself entangled in a web of emotions so intense and intoxicating that it becomes difficult, borderline impossible, to imagine yourself living without that level of attention.

Then, the tides start turning. What you thought was a vibrant connection becomes a drowning pool, with the other person’s affection being offered by a teaspoon, whereas once it came in torrents. You find yourself being pulled into the deepest depths of emotional famine, craving attention, even if it’s only a pale reflection of what it once was. And, when it ends, you’re left wondering if true love can ever find its way through the wreckage of shattered trust.

What you experienced is the very definition of “love bombing,” a phenomenon that shines with intensity yet hides shadows of manipulation beneath its glistening surface, leaving victims questioning the authenticity of their relationships long after the storm has passed. In the aftermath of it all, many questions arise, the biggest ones being “What drives individuals to turn to this conniving tactic?” and “What consequences does it leave on the victims?”

Is Love Bombing A Trauma Response?

By revisiting the meaning of love bombing, it’s immediately apparent that it’s not a trauma response. Instead, it is a manipulative tactic, typically employed by individuals who display certain personality traits and/or behaviors, such as:

• Narcissistic tendencies: Individuals who display an exaggerated sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration can use love bombing as a tool to feed their ego and control others.
• Manipulative communication: Skilled communicators often employ flattery and excessive praise to manipulate emotions and foster dependency in their listeners.
• Boundary violation: Deliberate disregard for personal boundaries, invasion of personal space, and disrespect for privacy can make targeted individuals vulnerable to the manipulator’s influence.
• Entitlement: Individuals who believe themselves inherently deserving of the attention and affection of others often employ manipulative tactics to ensure their needs are met without regard for the well-being of their partner.

However, these traits and behaviors can sometimes be linked to past traumas. Distressing experiences or events in a person’s life can lead to the formation of certain coping and defense mechanisms, for instance:

• Survival mechanisms: Resorting to manipulation to gain a sense of control, protect yourself from perceived threats, and cope with overwhelming stressors in their life or relationships can be influenced by past traumas;
• Attachment issues: Scheming tactics (i.e., love bombing, gaslighting, etc.) can be developed in response to past abandonment or neglect, typically as a way to manage fears and insecurities;
• Emotional regulation: Intense displays of (ingenuine) affection can be a way for a love bomber to regulate their own emotions or manipulate the feelings of others for their own fulfillment;
• Lack/loss of power/control: An unhealthy power dynamic in past relationships can drive a person to use manipulation to regain or enforce superiority in future ones.

With these contributors in mind, we can draw a loose parallel between love bombing and trauma responses, albeit only by transitional properties. 

Still, we must note that while these traits can add to manipulative tendencies, it doesn’t mean that a person exhibiting them is bound to form what is a love bomb relationship by default. It only means that their individual experiences may give them the capability to do so and whether they choose to utilize it is up to their self-awareness.

Why Is Love Bombing Traumatizing?

There are numerous reasons why manipulation in a relationship can be traumatizing to the victim. However, most love bombing trauma examples have some common denominators, the most notable ones being:

False Sense Of Security

Initial affection and attention lull the victim into lowering their guard, rendering them less capable of noticing and addressing manipulative behaviors. This, in turn, makes them even more vulnerable and susceptible to further manipulation.

Fosters Dependency

Love bombers often seek to create a strong emotional dependency in their targets, typically by building themselves into a primary source of their validation. As the victim becomes more reliant on the manipulator for their sense of self-worth and self-esteem, once they withdraw the attention or treat them poorly, the victim starts working even harder to regain their affection, allowing the love bomber to exploit them further.

Isolates The Target From Their Support Circle

Tying into our previous point, another thing love bombers will often do in order to keep free reign over their victims is cut them off from their friends and family, fostering feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and isolation. This further deepens the dependency and vulnerability to manipulation, as well as leaving the victim with (seemingly) nowhere or no one to fall back on.

Perpetuates The Cycle Of Abuse

Like gaslighting, love bombing is a frequently used tactic in abusive relationships. The cyclical pattern of idealization and devaluation, emotional highs and lows, and seemingly inexplicable oscillations between affection and detachment all perpetuate confusion and anxiety in the victim. This makes it difficult for them to break free from the toxic relationship or even recognize that they are in one.

What Is The Aftermath Of Love Bombing?

By definition, love bombing has a simple goal: to manipulate the person into committing to an unhealthy and often codependent relationship. Needless to say, this can have severe lasting consequences for the person on the receiving end. Some tell-tale signs of love bombing trauma include:

• Shattered trust: Discovering that the intense display of “love” was anything other than genuine can leave a person feeling betrayed, which is often emotionally devastating.
• Loss of identity: Love bombers often place their victims on a glass pedestal in a calculated attempt to make them feel idealized. However, inevitable devaluation takes the hammer to that pedestal, bringing the person atop it crumbling into a spiral of doubts about their own opinions, values, and ideologies.
• Loss of self-esteem: The same idealization-devaluation cycle can often make a person feel unworthy of love, happiness, and genuine, honest connection.
• Fear of vulnerability: After being in a love bomb relationship, victims may develop hypervigilance and distrust as defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt or exploited in the future.

Finally, if we combine all of the above, we can see how a person who was subjected to a love bombing may have extreme difficulties forming healthy connections in the future. Trust issues, fear of betrayal and manipulation, and constant mistrust can cripple an individual’s ability and capacity to engage in relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Does Love Bombing Create A Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional connection that can form between individuals who experience intense emotional highs and lows together, often stemming from an abusive or manipulative relationship.

In this context, emotional oscillations refer to the cyclical pattern of abuse, where periods of intense affection, positivity, and kindness are followed by no less intense intervals of harm, callousness, or violence.

Love bombing can instigate an abusive cycle, as the victim becomes attached to the affection displayed during the idealization phase. However, when this is followed by devaluation, they will often seek to reestablish that positive emotional experience, which effectively contributes to the formation of a trauma bond.

Rely On PIVOT To Overcome Covert Narcissists Love Bombing Trauma

At PIVOT, we understand how love bombing can sow seeds of confusion and emotional turmoil, making it difficult for you to form a genuine connection or be reluctant even to try. We’re dedicated to helping you nip the problem in the bud and turn it all around.

We tailor our coaching sessions to your unique needs and circumstances, giving you the means of rediscovering your inherent strength and resilience and empowering you to rediscover your potential to form genuine, meaningful connections.

All our programs take place in the soothing environment of our Glass House Retreat, where you can recreate your guiding light and head down the road of healing and happiness. Get in touch with us today!

For many, nothing is more thrilling than the beginning of a new relationship and falling in love. You’re excited about getting to know your new partner, you love spending time with each other, and everything seems ideal or as close to it as possible. Then, as this initial phase subsides, the true colors of illusioned perfection start rearing their head, and you might very well find yourself in a table-turning situation. One minute, everything’s perfect; the next, you constantly feel at fault, incapable of understanding how the identical things you do can be both right and wrong. There’s a name for this – love bombing. 

During various love bombing phases, your partner will do everything to display themself as your perfect partner. Granting you absolute attention, making you feel like the only person in the world, buying luxurious gifts…Non-stop. As your defenses falter, they gradually start moving on to the next love bombing stage, sabotaging your very understanding of the affection they bestowed. Eventually, you find yourself losing your identity, isolated from the true love of family and friends.

What Are The Stages Of Love Bombing? 

In the narcissist love bombing cycle, the fairytale phase doesn’t last forever. Once they’ve got you under their spell, manipulation begins, and they start alternating between grand gestures, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering. These are the four love bombing stages you can typically distinguish in such a relationship. 

1. Love Bombing

Initially, your partner will make you feel so loved that you cannot imagine your life without them. You start feeling dependent on them and, naturally, expect this form of love to continue. 

The first phase is difficult to distinguish from the honeymoon phase most relationships go through. The main difference is that this form of behavior is mainly directed only from your partner to you in their narcissistic attempt to gain control over you. While their gestures may seem to be romantic and thoughtful, they usually go overboard. 

2. Devaluing

What comes after love bombing, once they’ve established control over you, is that your extremely generous and loving partner suddenly becomes judgemental and cold. They are love bombing and then pulling away. You may find yourself remembering the beginning of your relationship when the attention and gifts were pouring, wondering what you’ve done wrong to be deprived of it. This allows your partner to withhold and manipulate attention so they feel in control quickly. 

You may start losing the sense of who you are because they’re managing all the little and not-so-little things, which can be anything from how you present yourself to how you dress. They’ll overtly let you know how they feel about your “mistakes” and often gaslight you when you try to defend yourself. You may feel like you’re under their constant evaluation, and you don’t measure up. 

3. Discarding

Once you’ve experienced emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and excessive criticism, you’ll probably feel so devastated and wounded that you’re no longer enjoyable for them to manipulate. This can cause them to either leave without much warning or push you away and cause a breakup. 

During their absence, you’re left with confusion, feelings of guilt, and low self-esteem. You may believe that you’re the reason for the mistreatment, and it’s your fault that you no longer receive the affection and love that you experienced in the beginning. This is why it can be tough to move on and engage in new relationships.

Hoovering

After they’ve been gone for a while, they can return with even more tactics. Attention and gifts start again to lure you back into the relationship, trying to reach out for help, proving how much they’ve changed, or claiming they won’t find anyone like you. 

They also tend to cross boundaries, such as showing up where they know they can reach you to check your response and how easily they could again manipulate your emotional state. While they may seem to show genuine regret, the truth is they miss the control rather than the relationship.

How Long Does Love Bombing Stage Last? 

There’s no precise answer to how long the first stage of the cycle can last. On average, it can go anywhere between several weeks to several months. They tend to persist with it until you’re either completely seduced or you make it clear that their efforts have been in vain. While many victims perceive exaggerated declarations and gestures as red flags and get out, others tend to be more susceptible to this form of behavior, especially if they’ve been previously abused, have low self-esteem, or are particularly empathetic.

What Is The Next Stage After Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a tactic typically used by narcissists to establish control dependency. Unfortunately, once it’s over and they’ve reached their goal, they usually withhold the affection and love they used to give in excess. They’ll likely meet any hint of your desire to leave with rage or threats. They may gaslight and blame you for all their problems, suddenly destroying the illusion that you’ve found your soulmate.

This phase is typically emotionally devastating and described as invalidating, confusing, degrading, and inconsistent. This experience can seriously harm your self-esteem and sense of self and self-worth. 

Learn How To Cope With Every Love Bombing Stage With PIVOT

Whether you’re looking for a way out of this vicious cycle or you’ve experienced it before and want to regain your inner self and self-esteem, our reliable and experienced specialists are here to carefully listen to your experience and provide you with proper guidance to help you get back on track. Opt for our comprehensive attachment–oriented Glass House retreat or book your individual coaching session. We’ll devise a tailored plan and work together with you to help you reach your full potential and feel ready and safe to engage in a new, healthy relationship. 

Our certified experts take a relational and attachment-oriented approach to help you heal your emotional intelligence and reap all the benefits of it. We’ll help you learn to recognize red flags and successfully avoid becoming a victim. Contact our dedicated professionals today!