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Author: Lori Jean Glass

How to Stop Idealizing Someone: Break the Habit for Good

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Ever catch yourself lost in thoughts of an ex, even when your current relationship feels just fine? It’s an odd sensation—those idealized memories of someone who once meant so much, lingering in your mind despite the months or years that have passed. You’re not alone in this. Whether it’s a fleeting memory or a nagging “what if,” many of us find ex-partners leaving subtle marks on our lives, even when we’re happily committed. But here’s the catch: while it’s totally normal, these idealized thoughts can quietly stir trouble in your present, pulling you away from the connection you’ve built. Curious about how to stop idealizing someone and let go for good? It starts with understanding why we romanticize the past and discovering practical ways to move forward. And if you’re wrestling with something heavier, like relationship addiction withdrawal, know that relationship coaching could be the lifeline you need.

Why Do I Think About Past Relationships So Much?

Why Do I Think About Past Relationships So Much?

Are you happy in your current relationship yet the thoughts of your ex just pop into your head unexpectedly? Even if you haven’t thought about or seen them in a while, random snippets of your time together may come into your mind and have you fantasizing about them all over again. You’re not alone as this happens to most people. 

There are many reasons why you could be reminiscing about your past relationship, such as:

  • Unresolved emotions: You may not have closure for some reason. Breakups can be messy and you may still have unanswered questions about your past relationship. These “what ifs” may keep you from moving on.
  • New situations prompt the comeback of old feelings: You may be growing closer to your new partner and the attachment you’re feeling now may remind you of how you felt with the ex.
  • Moving on too soon: Many people enter a new relationship soon after the last one ended. If this is the case, maybe you haven’t allowed yourself the time to process your grief and loss. 
  • Idealizing the past: People tend to remember the good and forget the bad. This means you may have a distorted, romanticized image of your past relationship. 
  • You’ve recently heard from them: When a person who meant a lot to you suddenly reappears in your life, it can get you thinking of everything you’ve been through together.
  • You’re underwhelmed with an aspect of your current relationship: Maybe you don’t know how to talk to your partner about improving your sex life or feel like you can’t say no to your partner. Whatever may be bothering you, fantasizing about your ex may be an outlet.

Why Do People Romanticize Past Relationships?

Why Do People Romanticize Past Relationships?

Your past experiences may seem more exciting or more fulfilling when compared to the mundane reality of your current relationship. It’s important to figure out if this is actually true or if you’re just idealizing the past.  Understanding your preferences and values can help you determine if you were truly compatible with your ex or if you are just remembering the good times.

Our memory is unreliable and susceptible to distortions. Because it’s human nature to feel nostalgic about times gone by, many people remember the best things about their ex and forget the bad. This is why you need to take a closer, clear-headed look at your history together.

After all, you had a reason to end that relationship. Taking a step back and considering the things that led to the breakup can be an excellent reality check. In most cases, people realize that they’re simply looking at the past through rose-colored glasses.

Why Not Compare Your Current Partner to Your Exes?

Similarly to what happens with parasocial relationships, we often idealize our exes and unfairly compare our current partners to this impossible ideal. However, this is a habit that typically causes a lot of frustration and does you no good. Here’s why:

  • You’re not working on actual challenges: If you’re taking trips down memory lane to escape ongoing issues in your relationships, you’re missing out on the opportunity to actually tackle these problems and strengthen your bond.
  • It’s unfair and uncharitable: It would be very hurtful to your partner to find out that you’re comparing them to an ex. It’s healthier to honestly discuss the areas of your relationship that you aren’t satisfied with and work on improving them together.
  • Everyone’s their own person: If you feel like your current relationship is worth investing in, try to appreciate your partner for what they are. This doesn’t mean that you can’t expect them to up their game in certain ways. It’s more about seeing them as an individual with their own unique fears, hopes, and dreams.
  • Your perception is probably a little skewed anyways: Since we tend to play up the positive aspects of the past, it’s possible that you don’t actually see your former relationship for what it was.

How Do I Stop Idealizing Past Relationships?

Man with image of ex and trying to stop idealizing past relationships

To break this cycle and focus on connecting to a new partner, here are some things you can try: 

  • Understand why you do it: Finding out the root cause of your longing for the past can be the start to working through it. You can do this by signing up with our weekly relationship coaching, or you can attend a 5 day intensive retreat.
  • Distance yourself from your triggers: If you’re determined not to give your ex a second chance, distance yourself from them. If possible, stop texting them or spending time with them on a regular basis.
  • Focus on your current relationship: Spend time with your new partner, get to know them better, and enjoy your time together. Be open to establishing another meaningful connection.

Quick-Action Toolkit: 5 Steps to Stop Idealizing Someone

  1. Mindfulness Micro-Pauses: Set a 60-second timer, close your eyes, and name five sensations (what you see, hear, feel, smell, taste).
  2. Reality-Check Journaling: Divide a page into “Highlights” vs. “Hard Truths.” List three memories in each column.
  3. Self-Esteem Rebuilders: Schedule one activity a day that affirms you (workout, skill-practice, social coffee).
  4. Think-Feel-Do: At PIVOT, we learn how to align our head, heart, and feet when we want to make a decision. Ask yourself what you’re thinking about, feel into what is coming up for you, and make sure that your head and heart are on the same page. Good rational thinking and healthy emotional intelligence. Then take a unified decision for yourself, and take action.
  5. Gradual exposure to real memories: Revisit neutral or mildly negative moments with the person—photos, texts, places—while noting your real-time feelings.

Pro tip: Bookmark this section and work through one step per day for a week; then recycle the list whenever old fantasies pop up. Consistency, not intensity, breaks the cycle of idealization.

Can Relationship Coaching Help Me Realize How To Leave A Bad Relationship?

Yes, PIVOT’s tailored individual coaching sessions can help you learn more about yourself and give you the strength to end an unfulfilling relationship. If you feel like reminiscing about an ex is putting your current relationship at risk, it may be time to give us a call.

Our caring relationship advocates will also assist you with other challenges, like becoming more self-assured in relationships and setting out on a path of personal growth. In addition, we address couples’ emotional challenges in our customized workshops. 

Reach out to us today to book a stay at our retreat and start a journey of healing and self-discovery.

Idealization In Relationships: Beyond the Fantasy

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever caught yourself marveling at your partner—almost pinching yourself because being with them feels too good to be true? It’s a beautiful feeling, isn’t it—that early spark of love where every glance and word feels like magic. I get it; we’ve all been swept up in that rush, seeing only the best in someone we adore. This is what idealization in relationships looks like: placing your partner on a pedestal, amplifying their charm and kindness, while their flaws seem to vanish into thin air. It’s a natural part of falling in love, and you’re not alone in feeling that thrill—or the confusion when that perfect image starts to fade.

What Is Idealization In Relationships?

Idealization in relationships is when you place your partner on a pedestal, exaggerating their positive qualities while overlooking their flaws. It’s a psychological process rooted in the excitement of new love, where your brain, flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine, paints your partner as the answer to your hopes and dreams. Think of it as seeing them through a filter that highlights their best traits—kindness, humor, or ambition—while muting anything less than perfect.

This tendency often stems from our deep-seated desire for connection and security. In the early stages of a relationship, idealizing your partner can feel protective, shielding you from doubts or fears about vulnerability. However, as the relationship evolves, this idealized image can set unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment or conflict when reality creeps in.

Why Do We Idealize Our Partners?

Is Idealization A Defense Mechanism?

Idealization is a psychological and biochemical process that happens when we create positive illusions about another person, exaggerating their virtues and ignoring their flaws. When we begin to fall in love, we tend to feel a strong tendency to idealize, seeing the love interest as a little bit more talented, beautiful, and charming than they may actually be. 

There are many reasons why we do this – some people idealize out of fear, not ready to face the fact that the person they’re obsessed with is not perfect. Others may idealize a past relationship because they want to validate their past decisions and strong feelings.

Emotional unavailability can also lead to idealization, as individuals may not acknowledge critical emotional needs, leading to unrealistic perceptions of their partners.

What Happens To Your Brain When You Are In Love 

When we go through an infatuation stage in a relationship, a biochemical process happens in our brains. This process is quite similar to addiction and we can do very little in terms of controlling it. As different chemical substances are altered and generated in your brain, such as phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, you may experience some of the following symptoms during the infatuation stage: 

  • Increased nervous excitement, followed by cold sweats and flushing
  • Stomach tingling, shivers, palpitations 
  • Extreme focus on the loved one 
  • Increased feelings of dependency 
  • A strong desire to be one with your partner 
  • Heightened feelings of anxiety and euphoria  

These physical symptoms are often accompanied by intense emotions, which can further fuel the idealization process.

Is Idealization In Relationships A Defense Mechanism?

Exaggerating the virtues and minimizing the flaws of a person you’re interested in is perfectly normal at the start of a relationship. But did you know that you may be protecting yourself from ambivalent feelings towards the person? In psychoanalytic theory, idealization is seen as a defense mechanism that helps us navigate our confusing feelings and maintain a positive image of the people that matter to us. 

Idealization as a defense mechanism is often mentioned in relation to splitting. We tend to “split” when we fail to bring together both the negative and positive qualities of a person into a realistic whole – they are either all bad or all good, there is no middle ground. This black and white thinking process tends to start in childhood, when a child is unable to combine the bad and the good aspects of their parental figures, instead seeing them as either one or the other.

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Throughout childhood and adolescence, idealization is a natural part of growing up. We tend to start with idealizing our parents, then our friends and partners as part of the separation process in our teenage and adolescent years. In adulthood, our tendency to idealize should start to wane, transforming into a more balanced and integrated sense of others and the self. 

But when it doesn’t get appropriately integrated during adulthood, idealization in relationships is often followed by a pattern of devaluation. This combination is known as the idealization and devaluation cycle and can be characteristic of different personality disorders and behavioral conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, codependency and pathological narcissism. 

Individuals prone to idealization and devaluation are often also prone to splitting. They may view people in their life as either all good or all bad, idealizing them at first and then devaluing them by attributing exaggerated negative traits to them.

For instance, if you were a target of a narcissist, they may subject you to excessive love bombing in the early stages of the relationship, and then devalue you using different manipulation tactics such as stonewalling, gaslighting, minimization, and so on.

How Do I Stop Idealizing My Partners? 

Whether you are putting an ex-partner on a pedestal or tend to see each new relationship as something more special than it actually is, there is a likelihood that you may still be dealing with past emotional pain and trauma. If you’ve noticed that you have a strong tendency to idealize your romantic relationships, try the following tips: 

  1. Look into the past

    You may be idealizing your interpersonal relationships because you have unresolved trauma from childhood or adolescence, and exploring your past hurt may give you a new perspective. 

  2. Learn to love yourself

    Invest some time in taking care of and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Self-love and care is the first step to integrating the conflicting parts of your personality.

  3. Understand that nobody is perfect

    The key to overcoming your tendency to idealize is to accept the fact that people are complex beings, with both positive and negative attributes that can all coexist within a person at the same time.

  4. Work on healing your core wound

    In order to be at peace with the complexity of yourself and others, you should work on understanding and healing your core emotional wound. 

  5. Seek help from professionals

    The best way to integrate difficult feelings and create healthier relationships is to reach out to qualified professionals who will give you the resources you need to live a happier life.

Find The Balance You Seek At Our Relationship  Intensive Workshop 

What Is The Idealization And Devaluation Cycle?

Whether you are struggling with letting your guard down or need help dealing with past trauma, don’t be afraid to reach out and find the help you need and deserve. Joining support groups and engaging in therapy can provide emotional support and validation needed for personal growth. At PIVOT, we work with experienced relationship coaches who love helping couples and individuals find happiness and balance in their lives.

We offer a great number of carefully crafted relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching designed to help you heal and better understand yourself and others. Get in touch us today!

Parasocial Relationships: What They Are & How They Work

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

As if interpersonal relationships weren’t complex enough, more and more people nowadays find themselves in parasocial relationships with people they don’t personally know. Since we’re exposed to idealized images carefully manufactured to expand a celebrity’s following and win the hearts of their fans, falling into such a relationship is easier than ever. 

In the era of social media, with vloggers who share their every move online and intense media coverage of the private lives of celebrities, we’ve become overly attached to our favorite stars. And parasocial relationships have become an increasingly common phenomenon, especially among young people.  

If you’d like to get to know more about parasocial attachment and how to get out of this kind of unhealthy relationship, keep reading.

What Counts As A Parasocial Relationship?

What Counts As A Parasocial Relationship?

A parasocial relationship happens when you feel intense emotions for someone who you don’t personally know, typically a famous person. They used to mostly happen with TV personalities, popular musicians, actors, and sports stars. However, nowadays they’re also common with social media celebrities. They can also occur with fictional characters, such as the characters from your favorite movie or book.

The way you feel in this type of relationship can be very similar to how you’d feel in a real-life relationship. You‘re intensely interested in everything that has to do with the person, feel like you have a deep connection with them, and are fiercely loyal to them. You may fantasize about the person and be jealous or over-protective of them. Some people may even exhibit obsessive and stalking behavior. 

What Is A Parasocial Breakup?

Since parasocial relationships are in many ways similar to real-life relationships, you can actually experience a parasocial breakup. For example, this may happen if you’ve fallen for a character on a TV show and the TV show ends or gets canceled. 

The fact that you won’t be able to enjoy “the company” of this person any longer may be as painful as a real-life breakup. You may miss them intensely and grieve the end of your time together just like you would with an actual partner.

Are Parasocial Relationships Healthy?

It’s human nature to form bonds with others. Parasocial relationships are a kind of human connection and developing affection for someone who you admire is perfectly understandable. However, the problem is that they can cause a lot of hurt. There are several reasons why:

Are Parasocial Relationships Healthy?
  • They’re one-sided. By default, there’s no reciprocity in a parasocial relationship. One person pines after another, who isn’t even aware of their existence. This longing can cause a lot of pain and frustration.
  • They typically involve a high degree of romanticization. Since you don’t personally know the object of your affection, you’re free to fill in the blanks any way you choose. You may feel like nobody compares to this idealized image, which could prevent you from establishing meaningful real-life relationships.
  • They often signal a fear of rejection. People who feel strong parasocial affection are sometimes unconsciously protecting themselves from the possibility of rejection. Since the other person doesn’t actually know you, you’re safe from being turned down. However, this can also be stopping you from working through this fear.
  • They may intensify your sense of isolation: This type of attachment sometimes happens to people who are lonely and have low self-esteem. Instead of trying to solve these problems, they may withdraw even further, not giving themselves a chance to interact with people in real life.

Can Parasocial Relationships Benefit Real Life Relationships?

Generally, parasocial relationships are a poor stand-in for a reciprocated, real-life relationship. They aren’t a substitute for a meaningful connection with an actual partner who can love you back. 

However, they do have certain benefits:

  • They may be a learning experience: They could shed light on what you look for in a partner or what you lack in your current relationship. They can also uncover your attachment patterns, help you understand yourself better, and put you on a path of personal growth.
  • They may make it easier to get to know others: Many people who feel intense attraction to a celebrity are part of a fandom. This is a great way for them to meet like-minded people, enjoy a sense of commonality, and form lasting friendships over a shared interest. 
  • They may improve your self-esteem: This kind of relationship can be a great source of motivation for someone who lacks confidence. They may perceive the celebrity as a role model and acquire the traits for which they admire them. For example, a person may continue pursuing music as a hobby because they’re inspired by their favorite musician.
  • They may provide comfort: These relationships can provide a kind of escapism from everyday situations, especially during certain tumultuous and transitional periods of a person’s life, like adolescence. 

How Do I Get Out Of A Parasocial Relationship?

Getting over someone is hard, even if it’s a celebrity or a fictional character, and you need to give yourself time to process and recover from it. Here are some ways to do it:

  • Be gentle on yourself: Don’t beat yourself up about having these feelings.
  • Reflect on your emotions: Consider what you can learn from the experience.
  • Focus on self-care: Find a source of comfort and an outlet for your grief.
  • Connect to the people in your life: Seek support from loved ones.
  • Identify the root cause of such a relationship. Try to identify what caused you to form a parasocial relationship. This may help you learn more about yourself, previous experiences, and possible past wounds. You can also reach out to an advocate to help you work this out.  

Where Do I Find A Private Reconnection Retreat For Couples?

How Do I Get Out Of A Parasocial Relationship?

If you have difficulty letting go of a parasocial relationship or establishing meaningful bonds with people in your life, PIVOT can offer the guidance you need. Our individual coaching offers an excellent chance for personal growth whether you’re struggling to say no in a relationship or have another issue you’d like to work through.Our approachable relationship advocates help couples understand their relationship and apply this knowledge to further it. For example, you may learn how to talk to each other about topics like sex and intimacy more effectively. Get in touch with us to join our helpful coaching sessions!

Dishonesty: How To Spot It & Deal With It

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

It can be incredibly emotionally draining to deal with a dishonest partner. Yes, problems with self esteem can affect a relationship. A very codependent partner can also negatively influence the entire relationship. Jealousy can also quickly destroy relationships. However, nothing seems to be quite as damaging as experiencing dishonesty in a relationship you believed was built on trust. 

When you become aware that a partner is being dishonest, the initial gut punch can trigger any and all past traumatic events where trust was broken. Your body can experience pain, shortness of breath, and other symptoms. It’s hard to imagine however, what is true for many is the denial that one or both partners can use to cope. Even if you manage to spot dishonesty – how do you deal with it? What are the best ways to communicate with a partner who is not being truthful? How can you even think about building intimacy in a relationship if the trust has been broken?

There are techniques you can use to spot dishonesty, and there are ways to deal with the partner who is lying to you. Although it is always best to resort to professional help and consider emotional intimacy coaching, that doesn’t mean you can’t begin to help yourself.

How Does Dishonesty Affect Relationships?

Being lied to hurts, and no amount of sorrys can take the lie back. Once your partner lies to you, it seems as though a whole mountain of doubts comes crashing down on you.

But that’s, unfortunately, not all. Dishonesty can erode a relationship in many ways. Not only do you feel miserable, but, once some time passes, you will inevitably start thinking about all the other things that the betrayal has affected.

  1. The trust is gone – The solid foundation for any relationship is trust. Without it, there’s little to fall back on, which is why dishonesty causes such big problems in relationships. 
  2. Lying hurts – It doesn’t have to mean that the partner’s intention was to hurt you by telling a lie. Nevertheless, they did, because to find out that you’ve been lied to is never easy, and it nearly always causes emotional pain.
  3. It shows disrespect – When your partner tells you the truth, no matter how difficult it may be for you to hear, they show they respect you enough to be honest with you. On the other hand, when your partner lies to you, it shows a serious lack of respect for you and your feelings.
  4. Lying is selfish – When a partner is dishonest, it shows that they are not willing to take the blame for the greater good of the relationship. Instead of coming clean and accepting responsibility, they lie in order to selfishly save their grace.
  5. Lies breed lies – And in two ways. For one, dishonest partners, if their actions remain unaddressed, continue to be dishonest. Also, once you notice all the lies, you will start thinking that there is no reason for you to remain honest. Always try to work things out, but do not change the characteristics of your own personality to accommodate for your partner’s flaws.

Can A Small Lie Ruin A Relationship?

Truthfulness should always be the top priority in a relationship. Even if the truth is unpleasant, difficult to deal with, or plain painful, it’s better than a lie. Lies can affect relationships in many negative ways, no matter if they’re big or small. 

For individuals who were raised in an environment that was unsafe, there can be a pattern of not using their voice that is learned. This pattern can lead to not wanting to tell the truth if the truth is going to create conflict. Later in life, one little white lie can build on more.

Even when a lie is white and harmless, you can end up feeling bad simply because of the fact that your partner lied to you. Also, there can be other issues behind every lie, waiting to rear their heads. That is why you should always think carefully before being dishonest.

What Harmless Lies Can Ruin A Relationship?

Just because you or your partner perceive a lie as harmless, it certainly doesn’t have to turn out harmless. Every lie has a great potential to be detrimental to a relationship. Here are the five most common white lies that can cause serious rifts between you and your partner:

  1. “I’m fine” – If there’s something wrong, if you are angry or sad, you should let your partner know. This can lead to a serious argument that can greatly affect the current state of your relationship.
  2. “My credit score is OK” – Some of the biggest fights originate because of money. Although money should not play that large a role in relationships, it does, and not being honest about potential financial struggles can leave serious consequences.
  3. “I haven’t texted my ex in a long time” – Lying about your ex is certainly a quick way to ruin a relationship. If you’ve heard from your ex, be honest and tell your partner about it. No point in hiding it, as when the truth inevitably comes out, it will have a much worse effect than if you had been honest in the first place.

What Are The 5 Signs That Someone Is Lying?

Individuals who tend to be frequently dishonest tend to think they don’t have a reason to “tell” when they’re lying. There are some signs that point to the fact that the person is not telling the truth. Here are 5 signs that signal somebody is being dishonest with you – keep in mind that someone who is just simply nervous could also display these signs.  Check in with your gut to discern whether or not someone is lying or just nervous.

  1. They’re touching their throat, mouth, or face – If you notice that a person is excessively touching their body while talking with you, especially if they normally don’t do that, you could be listening to a lie.
  2. They’re repeating themselves – If an individual, while speaking with you, begins to inexplicably stammer or repeat words and phrases, it shows they’re not sure of what to say next. While it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying – perhaps they’re just nervous, if they don’t behave that way normally, it’s a red flag. 
  3. They make nervous pauses – If you ask a dishonest person a question, they will normally make a pause before giving you an answer, granting themselves the time to construct a dishonest reply. 
  4. They’re looking at the door – If a person is uncomfortable in any given situation, their instincts start telling them they should leave. If you notice they are looking toward the door, it might mean they are desperate to escape the uncomfortable situation of lying to you. 
  5. They’re not blinking – Blinking is a reflex, so if you notice that a person is maintaining eye contact with you without blinking, it can mean that they are such avid liars that they’re actually trying to fake truthful behavior.

How Do You Deal With A Liar In A Relationship?

When you discover that your partner has been lying to you, there is only one course of action – confronting them. Allowing the dishonesty to continue can be more detrimental to your mental health, while giving space to your partner to continue their usual routine. Here’s how you should confront a dishonest partner:

  1. Confront your partner privately

    This is an unpleasant topic for the both of you, so no need to do it in front of other people – unless there is reason to believe that you may not be safe when confronting your partner.

  2. Give your partner a chance to explain the lie

    Sometimes, it is enough for your partner to confess, apologise, and promise such behavior will not repeat itself.

  3. Remain calm

    Do not let your emotions run wild, because that could provoke a bad reaction from your partner. Although you have every right to be angry, try not to show it  initially- stay curious so you can get the information you are seeking.

  4. Show your partner the evidence

    If your partner is unwilling to admit what they’ve done, show them the evidence that clearly points to the lies if you have it.

  5. Explain lost trust

    Tell your partner how you’re feeling because of the lies. Let them know how their lying has negatively impacted your relationship and your happiness and you won’t continue on unless they get help.

  6. Propose relationship workshop

    Finally, if you’re willing to continue working on your relationship, you should suggest relationship coaching to your partner. Nobody can help you as much as qualified professionals.

Join PIVOT Emotional Intimacy Coaching & Nurture Your Relationship

Can A Small Lie Ruin A Relationship?

It’s never easy being lied to. The emotional trauma of realizing your partner was dishonest is difficult to deal with on its own, and even more so if you want to salvage the relationship. Lying can be extremely damaging, but there are relationships that come out all the stronger out of it. However, if you truly want to work on it with your partner, you should consider reaching out to an experienced relationship advocate.

At PIVOT, we know just how emotionally traumatizing dealing with dishonesty can be, which is why we organize relationship workshops and retreats, as well as individual coaching sessions alongside our team of experienced advocates. Contact us today and let the healing begin.

Commitment Issues In Relationships: How To Overcome Them

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Many individuals fear commitment and will struggle with situations that require them to establish a long-term connection or obligation to another person.

People with commitment issues or commitment phobia experience great levels of anxiety in relationships. The commitment challenges they face can take a great toll on both parties in the relationship and often the only way to overcome these obstacles is to seek external help, whether it’s in the form of individual coaching or a dating problems workshop.

Read on to learn what commitment issues are, how they occur, and how you can deal with them.

What Are Relationship Commitment Issues?

In order to understand why you or your partner have commitment issues, you first need to know what commitment actually means. In the most basic sense, it can be defined as an obligation or bond to a single person, goal, or cause. Commitment phobia can affect all areas of one’s life, including their romantic relationships, friendships, and professional life.

It’s important to understand here that a person struggling with commitment issues probably craves to establish emotional intimacy and maintain a long-term relationship. However, the intense feelings they experience in the relationship may be more scary to them than to most people, making it hard for them to stay in the situation for long.

What Causes Commitment Issues In Relationships?

The roots of commitment issues tend to go back to a person’s early childhood. Oftentimes, an individual with commitment issues will have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. This means that the relationships the person experienced in early childhood, particularly with parents or caregivers, impacted their adult relationships in a way that makes commitment such a challenge.

Avoidant individuals tend to be wary of being vulnerable in a relationship and showing genuine emotion. This may be because they were hurt in a previous romantic relationship or the issue may go further back to potentially unresponsive or unavailable parents. Either way, a person with an avoidant style will likely perceive most people as unreliable and will go out of their way to avoid pain in their relationships.

Causes Of Commitment Phobia

Naturally, the exact causes of commitment issues will differ from one person to another. Nevertheless, there are certain factors that can influence a person’s commitment phobia. Here are some of them:

  • Unhealthy relationships with abusive, unfaithful or controlling partners
  • Neglectful or unresponsive parental figures
  • Parents’ marital problems or divorce
  • Deeply rooted trust issues
  • Traumatic events in formative years
  • Intense fear of being hurt in a relationship, etc.

Of course, no two individuals will have the exact same background. As a result, commitment issues can manifest in a variety of different ways. While some individuals may struggle with even starting a long-term relationship, others will try to maintain long-term relationships only to sabotage it once their fears become more intense.

Dating Someone With Commitment Issues

Being in a relationship with an individual with commitment phobia can be incredibly stressful. If your partner has trouble committing and showing their true feelings, it’s only natural that you’d feel lost and confused in the relationship.

However, confusion and resentment may not always stem from commitment phobia. Determining if your partner has underlying commitment issues would require them to share their thoughts and feelings and that’s a tough deal for most commitment-phobes.

How To Tell If Your Partner Has Commitment Issues

If you aren’t sure whether your partner struggles with commitment, ask the following questions:

  • What were their previous relationships like? Typically, commitment-phobes tend to have a history of unstable and short-lived relationships. Also, if your partner has never been in a long-term relationship, they may struggle with commitment.
  • Have you met their parents and friends? A person with commitment issues may refrain from including you in their family life. If they aren’t sure that you are here to stay, they may not want you to meet their family and close friends.
  • Are they willing to plan ahead? If your partner only plans for a couple of weeks or months ahead but refuses to make any long-term plans with you, they may be dealing with underlying commitment issues.
  • Do they tell you how they truly feel? An unwillingness to open up and talk about how they feel about you and the relationships is a common characteristic of commitment-phobes, so look out for that.

What Do You Do If Your Partner Has Commitment Issues?

Dealing with commitment phobia is no small feat. If you‘re in a relationship with a person struggling with commitment anxiety, it’s understandable that you may doubt the relationship and contemplate leaving it.

While breaking up may be the best course of action in some cases, you should keep in mind that a commitment-phobe probably desires emotional intimacy but has no idea how to change their ways. Here’s how you can try to deal with commitment issues in your relationship:

  • Give them some space. While you may be afraid of losing your partner, pressuring a commitment-phobe is never a good idea.
  • Be patient. If they truly love you, they will realize that they want to work on the relationship, even if it may take some time.
  • Be honest and show them that they can trust you. Many individuals who struggle with commitment are simply afraid of being hurt.
  • Try to understand why they are the way they are. If you make an effort to be understanding and attentive to your partner’s needs, they will probably appreciate it.
  • Don’t forget to care about yourself. All of this doesn’t mean that you should put your partner’s needs before your own. If your partner doesn’t want to work on themselves, don’t waste all of your energy on trying to change them.
  • Seek professional help. Commitment issues can be hard to deal with. Sometimes, the best course of action is to reach out to experienced relationship coaches for guidance.

Let The PIVOT Advocates Help!

Reaching out to seasoned relationship specialists is often the best path to take if you’re dealing with relationship problems. Our knowledgeable PIVOT Advocates rely on a curriculum built over 15 years that we call the PIVOT process, employing effective methods and techniques to help individuals struggling with personal and relational challenges.

Whether you want to try out couples or individual coaching for your relationship struggles or want to visit a relationship problems and solutions retreat that we offer at The Glass House, you’ve come to the right place. Reach out to us today and change your relationships for the better!

Avoidant Attachment Can Feel Like Love Avoidance

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

On the surface, someone with an avoidant attachment style may seem independent, strong, and self-sufficient. They may seem like they aren’t ruled by emotions and tend to stay above the drama. However, in a relationship, an avoidant partner may be more reserved, less vulnerable, and even self-protective. This can cause confusion and increase conflict. And, if you are the avoidant partner, you may feel stifled and even uncomfortable with intimacy, leading to romantic blocks and dissatisfaction down the line.

Despite the challenges of the avoidant attachment style in relationships, it’s important to remember that change and growth are always possible. A partner with an avoidant attachment style may desire love, but they may also have a deep (conscious or unconscious) fear of intimate connections. Understanding this pattern and its origins is crucial for both those with avoidant attachment styles and their partners. Fortunately, there are ways for these individuals to navigate connections and build healthy, authentic relationships.

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style

How Is an Avoidant Attachment Style Formed?

Attachment style describes how an individual attaches to others in relationships, including romantic partnerships. It is significantly influenced by the emotional bonds infants form with their earliest caregivers. People generally develop a secure and healthy attachment style if their needs are met in infancy and childhood. However, if early needs are met inconsistently or incompletely, they are more likely to form an insecure attachment style. 

People with an avoidant attachment style in relationships may have had caregivers who were emotionally distant, inconsistent, or dismissive of their needs. There may have been overt abuse and neglect, or their parent may have been unskilled or unable to meet their needs.

It’s crucial to understand that this attachment style developed as self-protection. Recognizing this can foster empathy and understanding in those with an avoidant attachment style and their partners, paving the way for healthier relationships.

How Can You Identify an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships?

Understanding how avoidant attachment affects relationships can prove extremely helpful for both partners. For the avoidant partner, it can be a valuable aid in identifying underlying factors and areas that need addressing. As for those who love someone with an avoidant attachment style, this knowledge can provide a fresh viewpoint. Having empathy and understanding for a person with an avoidant attachment style can help their partner approach the relationship in new, healthy ways.

Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

Coping Mechanism How it Affects the Relationship
May have a limited emotional range
  • Has difficulty expressing love and other emotions
  • Yearns for closeness but keeps partner at arm’s length 
  • Partner feels rejected, unloved, or conflicted and confused
Values independence and self-sufficiency to a fault
  • Adopted as protection when the painful consequences of vulnerability occurred in childhood
  • Prioritizes work and personal interests
  • Though a healthy sense of autonomy and independence is beneficial, it may be used as insulation from the emotional demands of the relationship
Fears commitment
  • Vulnerability and openness may be perceived as threats
  • May avoid open displays of affection
  • May end relationships when they become too close or serious

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Can a Person With an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships Be a Good Partner?

The answer to this question is never black and white; like all things in life, it’s much more nuanced. In general, the success of the relationship lies in either the avoidant partner’s willingness to grow and adapt to a new dimension of emotional trust and safety or the partner of the avoidant person adapting their emotional expectations.

Avoidant behaviors (e.g., emotional withdrawal, commitment challenges, etc.) may have seemed protective in the past, but they normally do not benefit emotionally mature adult relationships. In fact, they often derail authentic connections.

Avoidant attachment style is limiting in relationships

Self-Awareness Is Key

The first step for someone with an avoidant attachment style to become a better partner is self-awareness. This starts with recognizing that while your survival patterns may have kept you safe, they may have also kept you lonely, disconnected, and unfulfilled. By recognizing avoidant tendencies and acknowledging harmful behavioral patterns, a person can begin to actively challenge them to “make room” for healthier emotional expression. 

When an individual with an avoidant attachment style in relationships is ready for change, ideally, they will seek help along the way. A relationship coach can provide the scaffolding needed to make the heavy lifting possible. The right coach can not only help you or your partner revisit the past to identify the origins of protective behavior patterns but will also teach strategies for letting your guard down as you move forward. By opening up and expressing emotions in a safe space, it is possible to replace the coping mechanisms that have limited your relationship with sustainable strategies that forge secure and comfortable connections.

Overcome an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships With PIVOT

If you or your partner are trapped in a love-avoidance cycle, know that change is possible. A PIVOT-certified coach will provide the support needed to change your approach if you tend to have an avoidant attachment style in relationships. With this foundation, you can open up and create the solid connections you want and deserve.

Through the PIVOT process used in our individual coaching sessions and at our Glass House attachment retreat, you’ll find a safe space to recover your self-esteem and unravel the emotional barriers holding you back. Our experienced team is there to guide you every step of the way, offering personalized coaching that caters to your unique needs and challenges. Call us today at 1-855-452-0707  to start the healing journey.

Choosing a Relationship Coach vs. a Therapist: What’s Best for Couples?

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

If you know your relationship needs help and you’re ready to get to work healing and moving forward, you may need skilled guidance to help navigate you and your partner through tough conversations. It can feel overwhelming trying to choose between a PIVOT relationship coach vs. a therapist, and we often get asked what the difference is. To help advise your choice, here is our guide to relationship coaching vs. therapy and the myriad of benefits coaching provides.

PIVOT Relationship Coaching vs. Therapy: The Key to Healing Your Relationships 

PIVOT relationship coaching vs. therapy – what is better for couples? There is no right answer, they are just different forms of support! We work with therapists all the time, and we often have couples come to us when couples counseling isn’t giving them the results they want. PIVOT’s focus and approach are slightly different, offering couples a new perspective and another chance to heal.

The Unique PIVOT Relationship Coaching Process

The PIVOT relationship coaching process is unique because we work with each member of the relationship individually AND as a team.

At our retreats and personalized PIVOT sessions, we provide a relationship coach for each person, so both partners can process what they are learning independently. We then bring couples back together to work through their newfound knowledge as a pair.

This is extremely successful, because each partner has their own support person during the process, allowing for growth both individually and as a couple.

At PIVOT, our relationship coaches utilize the latest research and training to bring each individual in a relationship to the same level of involvement and attachment. We believe lasting change begins with better connections and that no one is an island; people thrive in community. That’s why our coaches establish a network of support for every couple who works with us. 

You and your partner have access to the full arsenal of PIVOT education, behavior change methodology, research, and resources when you work with us. Every coach, facilitator, and alumni from our program will fully support you. Couples thrive knowing a whole team is helping and cheering them on!

A Coach For Every Person in the Relationship

Whether we are working with you and a partner or you and every adult member of your family, PIVOT believes true change comes from working one-on-one, together. We provide a relationship coach for each person at our retreats and personalized PIVOT sessions. This means you have time to work directly with your coach to get to the root cause of your maladaptive behaviors and decide on action steps to move forward in a healthier way. Your PIVOT coach acts as both your support and your facilitator during group sessions with your most cherished people.

Why More Coaches Means More Growth
Multiple PIVOT Relationship Coaches One Relationship Coach or Therapist
  • Focused attention
  • Divided attention
  • Deep exploration of past trauma and trauma responses
  • Surface level identification of trauma responses
  • Individual support as well as a liaison for the other person
  • Acts as referee
  • Personalized action steps as well as group goals
  • Group goals, not individualized
  • Objective explanations of other’s behaviors and potentially flawed reasoning
  • Complete neutrality can prevent honest discovery

PIVOT Relationship Coaches vs. Therapists: The Difference Is in the Process

When struggling couples work with one relationship coach or therapist, the therapist is often put in the position of referee. It is their job to remain neutral and objective and not side with either partner exclusively. Because their time and attention are divided, either partner’s trauma is often explored only superficially. And, if one partner is struggling emotionally, the therapist has to remain neutral. We often work with couples who have struggled with this form of support.

With our PIVOT process, each partner gets their own coach. This means they can individually explore their traumas, feelings, and behaviors and show up to their couple’s session more stable and open to communication. And, relationship coaches act as facilitators for their clients. They can speak on behalf of their client (if the client wishes), try to communicate when their client cannot, and work with the other relationship coach to try to bring the couple back together. We’ve seen success time and again with this approach, because couples feel truly supported and heard.

Benefits of Working With PIVOT Relationship Coaches

  • A deeper understanding of yourself and your attachment style.
  • Heightened emotional intelligence.
  • Enhanced communication and deeper intimacy in relationships.
  • Increased resilience to better manage life’s stressors.
  • Customizable tools that help you be proactive in your relationships.

A PIVOT Relationship Coach vs. a Therapist Can Make All the Difference

The PIVOT process is customized for each individual and couple, providing high-impact solutions that empower you and your partner to realize rapid and long-lasting change. Our clients pivot from fantasy to reality, confusion to clarity, and isolation to connection. 

If you are trying to decide how to utilize the services of a relationship coach or therapist, we can help. Reach out to start your journey to healthier, happier connections. Contact PIVOT at 1-855-452-0707.

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