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Think You Might Be A People Pleaser? Here’s How To Stop

Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Many of us find it hard to find a balance between being nice and putting our feelings aside to make the people around us feel good. While it may not seem like such a big deal, being a people pleaser can cause a series of issues in your interpersonal relationships and other areas of your life.
If you keep accommodating other people’s needs without fulfilling your own, you may start to harbor resentment, anger, and hurt towards the ones you love the most. In many cases, these unresolved inner conflicts result in emotional withdrawal and unhealthy relationships that may benefit from individual relationship counseling and other forms of treatment.
Read on to find out about the dangers of being a people pleaser and learn how to stop.

Are You A People Pleaser?

If you’re unsure if you’re simply a nice person or a people pleaser, you should take a look at how you tend to interact with other people. If you feel like you have to say yes to every favor that’s asked of you, you may be leading towards the latter option. Either way, the best way to determine whether you are in fact a people pleaser is to understand how this pattern came about.

Why Do Some People Become People Pleasers?

As with most unhealthy patterns, people-pleasing starts in childhood. Some children learn very early on that the only way to earn love and acceptance from their parents is to be good and ready to please.
If your caregivers convinced you, consciously or unconsciously, that you had to do things for them and fulfill their wishes in order to be considered valuable and “good”, it’s no wonder that you’re struggling with creating healthy boundaries and saying no in your adult life.

Signs of People-Pleasing

The first step towards breaking your people-pleasing habit is to recognize how it manifests. Here are some of the most common signs that you may be a people-pleaser:

You think you’re responsible for other people’s feelings and try hard to make them happy with your actions.
You say sorry all the time and blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, even if there’s no reason to believe that’s the case.
You avoid conflict at all costs and can’t stand when someone is angry or displeased with you or your actions.
You feel uncomfortable saying no and accept favors and arrangements even if you would rather not go through with them.
You crave validation from people to feel good and tend to base your self-worth on the opinions of others.

Is People Pleasing And Codependency The Same?

Many people are confused by the differences between codependency and people-pleasing. While these two dynamics can overlap, they are different in some key respects. The main distinction has to do with the relationship between codependency and childhood trauma, specifically the role a person assumed in their family as a child.
For instance, a codependent may have had to act as the responsible adult to an addicted family member and, in turn, developed an attraction to addiction-prone and abusive partners. By contrast, people-pleasers tend to come from a family that neglected them or taught them they had to earn their love and attention by being good and willing to help.

The Danger Of Being A People Pleaser

Being a people-pleaser can have severe consequences for your overall well-being. Here are the main dangers of pleasing others to an excessive degree:

Resentment and bitterness
Losing one’s identity
Being taken advantage of
Lack of respect from others
Extreme jealousy
Unstable relationships
Addiction to affection and love

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser (But Still Be Nice)

If you’ve realized that you have people-pleasing tendencies, you’re probably wondering what you can do about it. Here are some useful tips:

Practice internal validation by building up self-worth. Focus on your own qualities and participate in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
Take small steps and give yourself time. Instead of rushing and saying no to everything straight away, try starting with small no’s and go from that.
Set healthy boundaries. Start showing people how you feel about certain situations and choose to spend your time with individuals who make you feel at ease.
Practice self-care. Make sure to spend quality time with yourself every day doing what you enjoy the most, without pressure and feelings of guilt.

Learn How To Put Your Own Needs First With PIVOT

With over 10 years of success, the PIVOT process is a great way to start changing your life for the better. Whether you’re looking for effective individual coaching or want to attend a relationship therapy workshop, look no further. What’s more, we also offer five-day retreats at Glass House, a residential facility where you can transform your life through the PIVOT process.
Start working on your well-being today!

Are You In A Codependent Relationship?

Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you feel like you must prove you are good enough to be loved by your partner? Or maybe you do everything for your partner, but you get little in return?
Or are you always busy and over-committing yourself? Maybe you always say yes to your partner.
If this one-sided pattern reflects your relationship, then you may be in a codependent relationship. Luckily, codependency recovery is perfectly possible, as there are numerous intensive codependency workshops that may give you the tools and resources you need to overcome your struggles and start building healthier relationships.

What Is Codependency?

It’s where you become excessively reliant on others for approval, identity, and feelings of self-worth.
Being codependent often stems from our childhood and the way we were raised. Consider if any of this relates to you:

Did you have your basic needs met?
Were there financial issues in the family?
Were you neglected?
Were your parents workaholics? Were you neglected or abandoned?
Did they get a divorce? And if so, how did that impact you?
Did you feel safe as a child? Or were you abused?

What Is The Root Cause Of Codependency?

Codependent traits are typically rooted in our childhood experiences and traumas. Children who experience emotional neglect or abandonment by their parents or caregivers early on in life tend to develop insecure attachments that carry on in their adulthood.

Codependency And Childhood Trauma

As children, we are vulnerable and completely dependent on our parents and caregivers for food, safety, and boundaries. However, if you’ve suffered feelings of abandonment, then you can easily take on the role of caretaker.
In other words, you’ve put your parent’s needs first, above your own.
What’s more, childhood trauma can create your belief systems, mindsets, and limiting beliefs; which can lead to repeating the same behavior in adult relationships. It can create who you are relationally as adults and determine how you feel about yourself.
If you didn’t get your needs met in childhood, then you may find you put others’ needs before your own, give of yourself to others and compromise your ability to care for yourself.
Unfortunately, dysfunctional families don’t acknowledge that a problem exists, which means the family members repress emotions and disregard their own needs.
And so, this becomes a pattern of survival. And often, family legacy.
If this is you, then you may also experience emotions of anger, guilt, grief, fear, and shame, due to feeling powerless to change or help another person.
If you suspect that you may be a codependent partner, consider attending a codependency intensive retreat as it may help you understand your own survival patterns and motivate you to work on creating healthier attachments.

What Are The Signs Of A Codependent Person?

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has codependency issues, here are the most common signs to look for:
Most Common Signs Of Codependency:

Feel most comfortable when they are giving
Try to please others instead of themselves
Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility
Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem
Try to be all things to all people all the time
Unable to say “no”
Seek out chaos and then complain about it
Get angry when somebody refuses their help
A tendency to have self-esteem connected to “doing”
Try to prove they are good enough to be loved
Try to be perfect, and expect others to be perfect
Have self-blame and put themselves down
Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others

Impact Of A Codependent Relationship

Giving up your needs and identity to meet the needs of a partner has unhealthy short-term and long-term consequences.
You can become anxious, exhausted, and begin to neglect other important relationships. What’s more, you may feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others.
Being in a codependent relationship can stop you from healing your past wounds.

How Do You Deal With A Codependent Relationship?

If you believe that you may be codependent, the best way to facilitate change is to take responsibility for that part of yourself that is no longer needed to provide survival. This means, releasing the survival pattern from childhood by exploring childhood issues.
If you can’t get to the root of the issue on your own, then a carefully designed codependent relationship retreat may be the best solution. A trained professional would discuss your childhood wounds with you and help you find balance in your relationships by teaching you effective overcoming codependency exercises.

How To Overcome Codependency

Sometimes it’s easier to want to change and take responsibility once you link your behavior to your childhood. I witnessed this when I worked with a woman who was in a relationship with a much older man. It started when they had an affair, and she left her husband for him.
In the beginning, he was strong, intelligent and very kind to her. It felt like the relationship she had always craved, even as a child, especially as she had experienced abandonment by her father during her childhood years.
However, after a year together, she began to feel completely lost as he became more controlling. She panicked and felt she couldn’t leave the relationship, as this started to activate her feelings of childhood abandonment.
What’s more, she carried a tremendous amount of guilt because she left her husband to be with this man. She felt she had to make this relationship work.
While working with her, it became clear that the connection she had with this man was related to sex. She was trading sex for feeling loved.
One day, she decided to leave him. As she told him, he said they should still have sex, even if they were not in a relationship. She told herself, “sure, I can just have sex with him. It’s not love. Just sex.”
The truth was that sex with this man was an unhealthy pattern connected to an untreated attachment wound from her childhood. Once she understood this, then she saw herself standing over her child self, the same little girl who had experienced the devastation of her father’s abandonment.
When she imagined sending that little girl into the room to have sex with the man, guess what happened? She never had sex with him again.
She realized she was only with him because she longed for a false connection through sex, which was hurting her because she hadn’t healed her deep-rooted feelings of hurt, loss, and anger from past wounds.

The Next Steps: Codependent Relationship Retreat

We recommend that you seek support from individual relationship coaching professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you. Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
We provide support and healing for these individuals at the codependent relationship intensive workshops we offer at The Glass House. Our Repair & Restore Retreat will help you begin a new chapter of your life where you will learn to no longer suffer from unhealthy relationships. We help codependents by focusing on creating healthy boundaries, building self-esteem, learning how to say “no” without guilt, cultivating deep self-care, and you will learn to define and understand your attachment style.
Our clients include family members, spouses, and individuals who struggle in the workplace or in the home with codependency. In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about our Programs. We’re here to help.

What Is Love Addiction?

Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

I used to be labeled a “love addict.” That’s why I focused my early behavioral health career on love addiction… to deeply understand it.
However, after working alongside my gifted staff of therapists and healers at Five Sisters Ranch, I learned the truth. Love itself is not addictive.
In fact, naming a condition “love addiction” is counterintuitive and shameful.
If you’re told you’re a love addict, and you’ve experienced abandonment wounds from your childhood, then you may be craving love. And that unmet longing is driving every single relationship.
However, with this label, you don’t feel like you can show up healthy in any relationship because you go into every relationship wounded.
Why? Because, if you love too much, you feel like “there’s the example of my love addiction.”
I remember when I was thirty-nine, I was in a therapist’s office, broken-hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to go on.
That was when I was labeled as a love addict. Someone not capable of giving or receiving love.
However, that definition didn’t make sense to me. Although my relationship didn’t feel loving, what I felt was a constant and intense longing to be loved.
In fact, I was chasing relationships with the hopes of finally experiencing a sense of belonging. This translated to me being a “stage five cling-on.” I couldn’t be alone. I always had to be in a relationship.
So, when I was told I was a love addict, it confused me because the “cure” I was given was to not draw attention to myself, stay out of relationships for one year and attend a “love addicts” group to listen to others share their stories of abuse.
The “prescription” seemed totally counterintuitive as I felt more abandoned, and alone. What I always wanted was to love and be loved, and now I couldn’t because I was addicted to love. I had to stay away from love, which made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be loved.
It made no sense.
After all, how could I be addicted to something that I had never experienced? What I was addicted to was chasing unavailable people.

What Is Love Addiction Really?

“Love addiction” is painful, because at the core – it is filling a void caused by a lack of nurturing and attention at a young age.
It’s an unhealthy attachment to people, romance or sex to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, fill our loneliness and maintain balance.

Addiction To Affection

Love addiction develops from experiencing an avoidant bond in childhood. This could be from a parent who was gone all the time, or couldn’t connect with you, or had their own wound and couldn’t nurture you.
This then leads to craving love.

Understanding Relationship Addiction

Unfortunately, “love addicts” usually pick a love avoider to partner with, which triggers the unhealthy cycle for the love addict, because the love avoider is terrified of anyone get too close, so they push you away. – And, that type of person is familiar.
“Love addicts” live in a chaotic world. They are fearful of being alone or rejected, so they endlessly search for that special someone to make them feel whole.
They become attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” instead of wanting the peaceful intimacy of healthy relationships.
This leads them to spending their time hunting for “the one.” Their life choices become focused on the search for this perfect relationship – from wardrobe choices to hours at the gym, to doing hobbies that may not interest them.
They live for the hope of finding the one person who will fill their void.

How Does Love Addiction Start?

Early childhood relationship patterns are the first place to look when working to break the bonds of love addiction.
Working with clients, I see that issues in adult relationships relate to childhood experiences. You’re drawn to what’s familiar, regardless of how good it is for you. It is what you know.
Addiction or attachment disorder becomes a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to fill the hole of an abandonment wound from childhood.
If you’ve experienced any of the following and have not taken the time to heal your wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to “love addiction”:

Your parents got divorced
One or both of your parents were alcoholic
You were adopted
You lost a sibling or parent at a young age
You were abused
Your parents were emotionally unavailable
You were neglected
You were afraid of being abandoned
You didn’t get validation from your parents

When a child grows up and watches their parents go through a bad divorce, their experience complicates their view of attachment in relationships, creating an attachment disorder.
This drives us to either want overly dramatic and intense emotions in relationships (“love addiction”) or to detach completely for fear of neglect and abandonment (“love avoidance”).
In either case, the result is a disconnected and unhealthy relationship.

Facing Love Addiction

If you have an attachment disorder or you are a “love addict,” it doesn’t mean you are stuck with this forever.
When I was told I had a love addiction, I dug deeper. I wanted to find out where the pain was coming from. What I discovered was that I felt abandoned and I didn’t know how to be alone.
I realized that my love addiction was based on getting validation that I’m lovable and a worthy human, which was denied in childhood. Unfortunately, the pattern is to choose the same kind of person as the parent who was unable to give the genuine love, caring and emotional support.
This leads to a cycle, or addiction.
However, just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships.

Love Addiction Intensive Workshop: Break The Pattern Of Love Addiction

If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever. Instead, be open to change and find a therapist to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. Apart from individual and personalized coaching, we also provide 5 day relationship workshops at our love addiction retreat, The Glass House. We’re here to help.

The Old-Fashioned Dating Methods Can Work Today

Posted on November 29, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Modern forms of dating, online dating, dating apps, group meet-ups, and speed dating, have become for many, the preferred way of dating over old-fashioned dating.
Getting to know someone takes time…that we can all agree.
The old-fashioned dating approach to dating does still work. It’s not about going back to the traditional dating rules… face-to-face meetings, girls didn’t call boys, the guy always pays.
The rules have changed – it’s become complicated.
The old-fashioned dating methods are based on showing respect and appreciation for the other person while taking time to get to really get to know each other.
Dating is a great opportunity to get to know someone new and see if you’re a good fit together.
Read our list of the best old-fashioned dating methods that still work today and see how you can use them in your dating approach.

1) Spend quality time together with no technology

Put away your smartphone, close your laptop and simply enjoy the quality time together, face to face, the old-fashioned way.

2) Be fully present

Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your fully focused attention. Instead of immediately talking about yourself, start with a question that is focused on them. When you are with your date, give them your full attention. Be present.

3) Express your sincere appreciation

If you appreciate something that your date does, make sure you tell them. Don’t make the mistake of appreciating or valuing someone too lightly. It will be too late once the date is finished. And, if you forget, send them a short text.

4) Focus on inner beauty

The essence of a person is more than just physical. Instead, focus on what’s inside… energy, sense of humor, values, and beliefs.

5) Make romantic gestures

Make an effort to be romantic. Show your appreciation with small gestures that will make your date feel like you care and are comfortable showing emotion.

6) Let him lead

Feminism has come a long way; however, there is still something special about slipping into your feminine side so you can empower your date to be in his masculine. It becomes a welcoming balance.

7) Pay each other compliments

To make your date feel appreciated, remember to pay each other compliments. Just make sure they are genuine. It doesn’t hurt to remind each other that you find each other sexy, funny or sweet.

8) Find someone who makes you laugh

This is sound advice that your grandmother would probably give you. Best of all, research agrees with her. The couples that laugh together stay together.

9) Be chivalrous

There is something sweet about chivalry… bringing flowers to dates, opening the car door, or pulling out a chair. Most feel special with these little gestures. It shows you appreciate them.

10) Make eye contact

When you’re out on a date – don’t be focused on your phone. Instead, gaze into each other’s eyes and see how that ignites your attraction for each other.

11) Take things slow

Although it’s widely accepted that people sleep together on the first date, it’s worth waiting to get to know someone first. This helps to build a real connection with someone first instead of just having a physical connection.

12) Write letters to each other

If you want to express yourself adequately, especially if you are describing something emotional, don’t use text. Instead, write a letter. It’s more romantic, shows you care, and you’ll have plenty of room to really express how you feel.

13) Don’t fight in public

Arguing in public makes things uncomfortable for everyone around you. No one wants to be involved in your disputes. The good news is that if you wait to get home, then you have time to reflect and cool down.

14) Makeup in person

Fighting and making up via text is ineffective. Words can be misinterpreted. Not only that, tone and body language are key to understanding the meaning of communication. When you argue and makeup, always do this in person.
In summary, use the old-fashioned dating methods to show your date respect, appreciation, and interest. Be open. Be yourself. Be attentive.
We recommend trying these tried and tested methods in your dating approach to see what difference it makes in your relationship.
If you would like to learn about our individual coaching program on healthy dating, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

Not Ready to Date Again Just Yet? We Look at 7 Signs

Posted on November 2, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

So are you, or are you not ready to start dating again? You may be keen to start dating soon after a break-up, but how soon is too soon? How long should you wait before dating again? Is it bad to date right after a breakup?
The answer is that there’s no specific timing. There is no formula for everyone to follow – like all things at PIVOT – everyone is unique. Some people would benefit from attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles while others may favor a different approach, such as one-on-one sessions with a relationship coach.

How Do You Know You’re Not Ready To Date?

Some people start dating within days of ending their previous relationship. Others are lonely but not ready to date and feel like they need to spend the same amount of time being single as they were in their last relationship.
However, if dating seems too hard now, or you feel anxious at the thought of sitting opposite a stranger and talking about yourself… then you may not be ready to date right now.
The good news is that it’s not permanent. It means you may need to take time to heal first.

How Soon Is Too Soon After A Breakup?

If you’re wondering if you are ready or not to date, here are 7 signs you’re not ready to date:

1) You’re Not Over Your Ex

If the pain from breaking up with your ex is still fresh and raw, then perhaps you haven’t healed from your past relationship.
Ask yourself…

Does seeing your ex with someone new make you jealous, sad or angry?
Do you keep in touch regularly?
Do you talk about your ex in general conversation?
Do you compare others with your ex?

If you said “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you may not be ready to let someone new into your life.
It’s important to let go of the past relationship before you commit to someone else.

2) You Keep Making The Same Dating Mistakes

Some people have unhealthy dating patterns. They seem to date the same type of person, choose an unavailable partner, or they attract people who bring out their worst.
These unhealthy dating choices are typically based on past experiences… a reaction to our parents’ relationship or our own relationship experience.
In either case, a negative relationship experience can have a deep impact on our capacity for healthy relationships.
If this has happened to you, then the best way to move forward is to seek professional help, so you understand what your typical attachment style is and how to choose to date someone who is more compatible.

3) You Change Yourself To Be What You Think The Other Person Wants

One signal that you’re not ready to date is that you feel like you need to change yourself to be what the other person wants. If you don’t cook – don’t say you do! You will find yourself panicking at the first invitation for them to come to your house for dinner!
If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what makes you special. Appreciate your positive qualities.
If you do feel like you need to change for the other person, then this might be a sign that your old relationship gave you insecurities about who you are or your self-worth. Remember, it’s important to bring yourself to a relationship, not lose yourself in it.
Take time to reconnect to yourself, determine your values and find out what you like and don’t like.
Most of all, love yourself for the special, and unique person that you are.

4) You’re Looking For Someone To Complete You

If you believe that a relationship is going to fill your “emptiness,” then you’re not ready to be in a relationship or start dating yet.
You may be looking for someone to fill a role in your life… rather than looking to share your life with someone.
You first need to feel whole and confident as a single person before being ready to share your life with another person. If you have untreated attachment wounds, it is hard to find healthy self-esteem to bring to the dating process.
The best relationship you need to have is with yourself.
Start by validating your own existence, instead of counting on someone else to do that for you. And remind yourself that a relationship doesn’t define you.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself first. Once you feel whole, then you can invite someone to share your life.

5) You Are Working On Yourself Right Now

If you feel like you have some work to do on yourself, then you may still have unresolved issues or pain in your life.
And that’s ok.
You need to be ready to let someone else into your life.
After all, it’s not possible to be available for others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first.
The key is to work through your pain, don’t ignore it; otherwise, you’ll be emotionally vacant.
It’s crucial to feel happy, balanced and healed.
If you’re not happy with yourself, your job, your health or your life in general, then you need to own and get straight with your challenges first. Being single and facilitating a relationship is hard work, especially if you haven’t yet become the person you want to be, and an intensive workshop or one-on-one coaching may be exactly what you need.

6) You Have Trust Issues

Trust takes time. Not being able to fully trust someone over time that you let into your life is a sign you’re not ready to date.
Although you may want love and to be loved, lacking trust in your relationship from the past will make it difficult for you to emotionally attach to someone because you don’t want to get hurt.
Trust issues come from past hurts that may have occurred in previous romantic relationships or from unhealthy family relationships during childhood. Or both.
Many people with trust issues know they have trouble in their relationships, but don’t realize it comes from a trust problem.
Before you are ready to date, you will need to work through your trust issues and heal from past hurts.

7) You Want Someone To “Save” You

A healthy relationship is not about saving each other. It’s about giving and sharing.
If you feel like you need someone to “save” you, then you need to look deeper at the real issues.
First, you need to fix yourself, find out what makes you happy, think about what needs to change.
When you know you have something to give and share with others, then you know you’re ready to start dating seriously.
If you say to yourself:

I’m such a mess. I need help.
Why am I so insecure?
Am I good enough for a relationship?

…then you need to heal these issues first before you are ready to start dating.
If you don’t do this, then you’ll attract a partner that wants to “save” people, or someone with the same issues.
And, the wounded cycle repeats itself…

How To Tell Someone You’re Not Ready To Date?

Recognizing that you are not yet ready for a relationship takes maturity. If you are aware that you still have some unresolved issues that you need to tackle, then you should make that clear to any potential partners you may encounter.
If you’ve met someone and want to let them know that you’re not prepared to commit, here’s how you can do so nicely:

Be honest and open
Ask them what their idea of a relationship is
Check if they are willing to take things slow
Compromise if possible
Don’t sugarcoat and give them false hope

The most important thing here is that you don’t let anyone pressure you into a relationship if you’re not 100% certain that you are ready. If you need support while navigating the dating world and understanding your own needs, consider seeking out a relationship coaching retreat for individuals and you may just find the strength and stability you need before getting into another relationship.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready To Date Again?

To help you determine when you may be ready to date again, ask yourself these questions:

Do I think that I’ll eventually find the person I want?
Do I believe that I’m a worthwhile partner?
Do I trust that I’ll have a great new relationship in the future?
Do I think that I’m over the pain from my past relationships?
Do I think of the good things I did in my past relationship?
Do I believe my previous partner did care for me?
Do I believe I’ve learned what I need to know to try dating again?
Do I feel confident knowing what to do differently next time?
Do I know without a doubt that I will respectfully get out of a relationship that is unhealthy for me sooner rather than later?
Do I believe that things work out the way they’re supposed to?

If you answered yes to at least seven of the questions, then you may be ready to date again.

How Do I Go Back To Dating After Years Of Being Single?

Getting back into the dating scene after a lengthy break can be a scary experience. If you’ve spent a long time by yourself, you may be uncertain about meeting new people and sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with someone else. Whether you’re going back to online dating or trying to find someone in your friend circle, we have some tips that might make putting yourself out there easier:

Don’t take dating too seriously: even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, try to have fun while dating. Don’t be hesitant to flirt and explore your options on dating apps. It may help you regain confidence and prepare you for the right thing when it comes.
Go out with your friends: your chances of meeting someone worthy will be very slim if you never leave your house. Hit up your friends and enjoy a fun night out instead. You may just meet someone that sparks your interest.
Ask around: there’s a perfectly good chance that your friends know someone that you may like. Going on a date or two can’t hurt, and if your friends know you well, they should be able to find a potential match for you.
Take it slow: if you haven’t dated for a while after a bad breakup or divorce, your self-esteem may not be in the best shape. Make sure not to rush yourself into a new relationship and give yourself time to think about what you really want.
Consult professionals: contacting a relationship coach or attending a relationship coaching retreat for singles may help you understand yourself and your needs better and in turn make the entire dating process far more enjoyable.

Experience The Best Relationship Coaching Retreat For Individuals

Remember, the more you value yourself, understand what you want and can give, then the more effective you’ll be identifying what a good relationship versus an unhealthy one is. Whether you’re trying to rebuild a relationship after a breakup or trying to start things with someone new, PIVOT is here to help you.
If you would like more advice on how to heal from past hurts so you can be ready to date again, contact PIVOT. Our personalized individual coaching sessions and intensive five-day couples retreats help you identify what you want and need in relationship with others. You’ll be able to identify much healthier matches in dating with the PIVOT process. Reach out to us today!

First Date Tips – How to Survive (and Enjoy) Your First Date

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

So you’re looking for first date tips. Are you ready to get back into dating? Maybe it’s been a while since you have dated. Or perhaps you haven’t had good experiences.
If so, we recommend you doing our Dating with a Purpose module with an Advocate at PIVOT! As a teaser, here are a few general first date tips to survive and enjoy your first date.

1. Location, location, location

Plan the first date to include a short meet and greet. You do not want to box yourself into an evening with someone that you do not know or trust yet.
It’s important to feel comfortable being YOU on your first date. You are not there to be who you think they need you to be – represent yourself.

2. Remember your date is a date — not your therapist

The goal of a first date is to have a good time, connect and keep the conversation flowing so you can learn about each other.
Save talking about your problems or flaws until you know they are interested in getting to know you more.
This also means that you don’t want to be a completely open book. If you do, then what is there to look forward to for the next date?

3. Don’t talk about yourself the whole time

This follows from the tip above – you may talk because you’re nervous, but make sure you ask questions and get to know your date.
Of course, you want to be open, but don’t monopolize the conversation.

4. Be yourself

The best first dates are the ones where you can be yourself. Relax and let your true authentic self shine through. This will give you confidence, which your date will see.

5. Really listen

Be a better listener and practice actively listening – without interrupting.
There’s nothing worse than someone who’s not paying attention. You’ll feel embarrassed asking a question your date answered five minutes ago.

6. Open body language

Make sure you have open body language – keep your arms relaxed, not folded; smile and make eye contact.

7. Keep an open mind

This tip is key… your perfect match doesn’t mean they will be perfectly compatible. Don’t make assumptions or discount your date if they work in a “boring” profession or have different hobbies than you.
They may surprise you. And you may discover things you have in common that are more important, such as values and goals.

8. Offer to pay

Be prepared and offer to pay – even if they asked you to meet with them. It shows courtesy and consideration. And it feels better for everyone, no matter who ends up paying.

9. Send positive signals if you are interested

One of the most difficult parts of a first date is trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you or not.
If you’re having a good time and you like your date, then send signals – flirt, smile, laugh, look into each other’s eyes, and the message will become clear.
Or, better yet, tell them that you are having a good time.

10. Don’t be wishy-washy

Don’t be a pushover. If your date tells you they want to hang out in a bar, but you don’t drink, then tell them.
This is the same advice for being decisive: If your date asks what you’d like to eat, don’t say “I don’t care, whatever is fine.”

11. Don’t be attached to your phone

Leave your phone in your bag, on silent, and be focused and attentive to what your date is saying.
There is nothing more rude than being glued to your phone… being distracted by every beep, sound and vibration. Or worse, answering a call.

12. Make sure you ask questions – the right ones

First dates are supposed to be a playful and fun way to get to know someone new.
One way to get to know them is to ask questions. This also helps in keeping the conversation flowing.
But you want to avoid questions relating to politics, religion, exes, and their income. Leave that until you know them well.
Topics you may want to ask questions about include:

Work
Family
Hobbies
Pop culture
Favorite music
Sports
Travel
Pets
What do they do in their free time?

13. Don’t get drunk

No matter if you like a drink or two, for the first date, stay in control of what you say and do.

14. Don’t have sex on the first date

Make sure you maintain boundaries on your first date and don’t have sex straight away.
Give your date a chance to grow into a healthy relationship, rather than being a one-off sexual encounter.

15. Don’t talk about your ex on the first date

Talking about your ex on a first date can lead to lots of questions, doubts and assumptions. Leave your discussion about your ex for later.
Allow yourself time to discover if you have similar values, outlooks and interests.

16. Be safe and have fun!

In summary, believe in having a positive outcome for your date. Be open. Be yourself. And most of all, stay true to yourself and your expectations.
If you would like more first date tips and more importantly, advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

5 Dating Signals to Recognize if You Want a Healthy Relationship

Posted on July 10, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Perhaps you’ve been dating for a while, but you’re not sure that you’re really ready for a relationship. After all, you are independent. You are happy on your own. And you don’t need anyone to complete you. But you are starting to think about sharing your future with the person you are dating.
Here’s the good news… creating a successful and healthy relationship doesn’t need to be hard, stressful or tedious. With guidance from an insightful remote relationship coach, you’ll be able to recognize favorable and unfavorable dating signs and start nurturing a lasting and stable relationship with the right person.

How Do You Know If You Are Dating The Right Person?

Only you can tell if the person you’re dating is the right match for you. If you are at peace with your own self, insecurities and all, then finding a partner to create a healthy relationship with shouldn’t be too much of a challenge.
A relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect. If both you and your partner are ready to commit and provide healthy emotional support, you have good chances of maintaining a loving and happy relationship.

Signs You Are Ready For A Healthy Relationship

Here are five dating signals that show you are ready for a healthy relationship:

1) You are your authentic self around your date

In the world of dating, it can be difficult to let your true self shine. It’s natural to have your guard up when you start to get to know new people.
The issue with not being yourself in a relationship is that you may fall into a pattern of trying to please the other person and neglecting yourself. Not to mention, your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
When you feel ready to be your true self in front of your date and, more importantly, treasure your authenticity in all its imperfections, then you know you are ready to have a healthy relationship.
This works both ways. Each person in a healthy relationship needs to be themselves, know who they are and what makes them happy.
If both of you have a healthy sense of self, then you can develop a healthy relationship by bringing your similar qualities as well as your differences to the relationship. This means there won’t be one person dominating over the other.
Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all. It’s only when you are authentic and can show your date who you really are, that you will create a deep connection that will build a foundation for your healthy relationship.

2) You honor your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Why? It means you won’t be a pushover. You’ll stand up for what is important to you, and you can communicate when you are unhappy. If you have not completed the Relational Circle Boundaries with a PIVOT advocate, it is essential that you do so before you begin dating.
If you are unhappy about something your date did, said or didn’t do, then the healthy way to deal with this is to talk about it. If you don’t say anything, then you may feel resentment or anger. Over time this can build up to become a major issue.
In healthy relationships, growth is very important, so you need to be able to have productive discussions, arguments, and disagreements, without feeling isolated or defensive.
A productive discussion is an opportunity to learn from each other and grow as a couple.

3) You don’t want to change them

One signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship is to accept your date for who they are. This means you don’t want to change them in any way.

If you feel like you want to change them, then this could be a sign that you are not ready for a healthy relationship or that you want to control someone. If this is the case, take time to reflect on what’s important to you, what your values are and what you want in a partner based on the PIVOT module, Dating with a Purpose.
Instead of focusing on flaws in your date, focus on their positive attributes. Look for the positive qualities you admire.
If you feel good with your date, you are patient and real with them, and you treat them the same in public as you do at home, then you’re on the path to growing a healthy relationship.

4) You fit into each other’s life

A good sign that you are ready for a healthy relationship is when you see that person fitting into other parts of your life – not just in the relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself to know if you both fit into each other’s life:

Do we get along with other people in our lives?
Do we get along with their friends and family?
Do we have mutual interests that we enjoy doing together?
Do we invite each other to attend work and social events?
Do we feel supported and encouraged to pursue our own goals?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then you may be ready for a relationship.

5) You are willing to grow your intimacy

Physical and emotional chemistry is important for relationships. However, if you are ready to grow the chemistry into something deeper, then this is another signal that you are ready for a healthy relationship.
Many of us, single or in a relationship, run from the risks of true intimacy. It takes courage to want to really connect with someone on a deep level.
Intimacy is created when you are with someone that shares your values; when you are both authentic and not afraid to be vulnerable; when there is mutual respect and when you don’t rely on the other person to “complete you.”
If you have recognized the five signals above, then it shows you are ready to commit and cultivate a healthy relationship that feeds and nurtures you both – a relationship of love.

How Do You Know Someone Is Not Right For You?

Unfortunately, your partner may not be as ready for a healthy relationship as you are. They may still be struggling with relational wounds from their past and may not be ready to commit just yet. Here are some telltale signs that your partner is not the right person for you:

You don’t feel like your unique self next to them
You share no common interests
You haven’t met their family even though you’ve been dating for a while
They keep talking about their previous relationships
You don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable around them
They don’t listen to you when you talk about your interests

These are just some of the signs that may indicate that your partner is not ready for love and a long-term healthy relationship. You both must be able and willing to commit to one another in order for the relationship to work.
Remember, it’s easy to become attracted to people who can “almost” commit. People who treat you really well and then they control or ignore you. Those types of relationships are typically high energy and addictive.

Looking for a relationship coach online? Contact PIVOT!

If you would like more advice on how to build a healthy relationship, then contact PIVOT. We offer valuable insights via relationship coaching sessions for individuals and couples and our intensive relationship-building skills retreats. Contact us today and find happiness and love in your relationships!