Articles Archives

Why And How Do We Fall In Love?

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

Falling in love can be a breeze to some people and seemingly next to impossible for others. This is because all the overwhelming feelings we have when we start falling in love can make us irrational and confused. But why do we fall in love? Are there any rules on how and why we fall for certain people?

If you are struggling with navigating the dating world, understanding why you become attracted to certain individuals can be of immense benefit. At our relationship coaching retreat for singles, we can help you explore your dating patterns, learn how to let your guard down, and build stronger and happier relationships.

Read on to find out why we fall in love and whether we have any choice when the butterflies start to kick in.

Why Do We Fall In Love With Certain People?

If you asked ten people to tell you why they fall in love, it’s very likely that you’d get ten different answers. This is because most of us don’t really know what makes us feel a certain way towards a person, but we’d still try to give specific answers usually related to physical attraction, chemistry, or similar interests.

Reasons We Fall In Love

Indeed, all of these factors may contribute to our attraction to a person. However, psychologically, the process of falling in love is often much more complex than we may think. Here are some more factors that influence the possibility of two people falling in love:

Reciprocity:
Have you ever wondered if you liked a certain person only because they seemed to like you? In fact, we do tend to feel a stronger attraction to someone if they are attracted to us.
Propinquity:
If you spend a lot of time with someone, whether you live close by or work together, you will become more familiar with them. This can increase the probability of you falling in love with this person.
Similarity:
Common interests, shared beliefs, and similar ways of thinking can greatly influence our interest in another person. However, intriguing differences can also play a role in our attraction.
Social norms:
We are more likely to fall in love with a person if we believe that they will satisfy social norms and fit in our social network. People typically seek out relationships that will leave a positive impression on their friends and family.
Isolation:
Being alone with someone for long periods of time can spark passion. This also relates to familiarity, as we tend to feel more comfortable with people we spend more time with.
Self-esteem:
If you have been single for quite some time, your self-esteem may be decreased and your standards lower. This can make it easier for you to fall in love.
Intrigue:
If there is an air of mystery surrounding a person, we are likely to feel a stronger attraction towards them. Being left to wonder what another person is thinking and feeling can spark interest and increase the probability of falling in love.

Do We Choose Who We Fall In Love With?

Before discussing if falling in love is a choice or not, we have to establish one essential difference: loving someone and falling in love are not the same thing.

The Difference Between Infatuation And Love

While you may fall for a certain person because they are a good match for you based on the above-mentioned factors, you will have to make a conscious decision to commit and work on a relationship. In this sense, we do choose who we love.

On the other hand, we may not have the same amount of control over who we are attracted to. Romantic love, that is, the picture of love that we typically see in movies and literature is actually a little more than an obsession. Of course, this does not mean that falling in love is not a valid feeling – we all know how powerful, exhilarating, and enjoyable the initial infatuation can be.

In a nutshell, you can have a crush on someone or be in love without having much of a say in the matter. If the initial attraction is strong enough, you may decide to jump into the relationship and see if it works. Once the infatuation fades, you will have to make a conscious choice to stay in love.

Can A Player Fall In Love?

Most of us know at least one person who considers themselves a ‘player’. They don’t plan on settling down and pride themselves on having numerous casual relationships. But can such a person change their ways and actually fall in love?

The short answer would be: yes, it is possible for a ‘player’ to fall in love. More often than not, these individuals put up barriers to protect their sensitive cores from disappointment and hurt. They may be acting this way because they are struggling to forget about an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend and, as a result, all their new relationships seem to pale in comparison.

Signs A Player Will Never Change

However, trying to make a player fall in love with you can do you more harm than good if you’re not careful. Not all people who act this way are sensitive souls who crave an understanding and caring partner. Some of them simply like the excitement of casual relationships and won’t change their ways just because you choose to shower them with love.

Here’s how you can tell that a person won’t easily change:

They never stop talking about other people they are attracted to.
They make you feel insecure.
They are overly jealous.
They act differently when surrounded by their friends.
They criticize you constantly.
They don’t seem ready to commit.

Looking for Codependency Retreats in California? PIVOT Is Here To Help!

If you struggle to find success in the dating world, don’t despair! With help from seasoned experts for relationship coaching, you can understand your dating patterns and find ways to build deeper and healthier connections with potential partners.

The purpose of our high-result relationship coaching for individuals as well as our in-depth couples retreats is to help you find dating success by understanding yourself and your relational wounds. Reach out to us today and find out more!

Can You Save A Relationship After Infidelity?

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

As much as you want to believe that your relationship can recover after infidelity and that putting time and effort into its recovery will be worth your while, here’s where it gets tricky: infidelity makes things messy and complicated. It leaves the partner who was cheated on with the bitter aftertaste of disappointment and the partner who cheated with the feelings of guilt – intensified while the other partner is trying to get to a place of forgiveness.

If one of you was unfaithful, yet both of you are now willing to make it work, what can you do to initiate the healing process and rebuild a healthy relationship? If you agree that your relationship is worth saving, can it survive and last? What does the future have in store for your relationship?

Dealing With The Aftermath Of Infidelity

If this is what you and your partner are going through at the moment, you might be having difficulty being in the same room with each other, let alone communicating about what happened. But understanding what led to infidelity could be vital to dealing with its aftermath. Seeing a professional relationship coach or going to a private couple retreat for reconnection can help you get to the bottom of the problem.

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater: Is It True?

If you fear that a partner who cheated once will do it again, you’ll have to bite the bullet: yes, it could be true. But it’s far from a universal truth. The damage is done, but if both partners are equally willing to make it work, there is hope yet. This depends mainly on whether partners can regain and rebuild mutual trust and make room for reconnection, understanding and forgiveness.

Distrust is toxic, destructive and breeds dysfunction. Continuing mistrust toward the partner could doom a relationship that might be worth saving. Whether it was you or your partner who cheated, the situation will be beyond help if there is continued distrust between you over a long period of time. Initially, there will be distrust – it is to be expected during the time it takes to get the trust back.

Can You Move Past Cheating?

First and foremost: you have to give yourself time, regardless of whether it was you or your partner who cheated. Couples can and do overcome and bounce back after infidelity, sometimes with renewed passion.

But moving past cheating and staying together with a cheating partner is possible if you meet the main criterion: confront and deal with your own unresolved issues. If you continue to harbor resentment toward your partner because they cheated, you can never truly move past it.

To make matters worse, the unresolved anger and resentment could have a detrimental effect on you as a person and render you incapable of truly moving on. Having unresolved issues because you were cheated on can have a lasting impact on your emotional and romantic life. Even if you decide to end the relationship in which you were cheated on, the frustration you have failed to deal with could spill over and have an impact on your new relationship.

Provided that both of you are willing to go all out and capable of mustering the strength to salvage the relationship, can you do it on your own or should you seek professional help and guidance? Together with your partner, you can try a relationship building skills workshop or better yet, a private couple retreat for reconnection. If you think you could use some alone time to try and overcome issues of your own, perhaps you should try working alongside an individual coaching expert beforehand.

How Often Do Couples Stay Together After Infidelity?

Cheating appears to be common among both men and women, even in what are supposed to be loving, committed relationships. How often is it a deal breaker? The statistics appear grim.

According to some estimates, few couples who have experienced infidelity can rework their relationship and make it last. Almost half of the couples decide to end the relationship immediately after the truth comes out and a third decide to try and make it work but break up eventually. This is primarily because the couple did not get help initially.

Most people are caught off guard by their partner’s infidelity. Whether because they fail to recognize issues in their relationship or because they trust their partner without reservation, they never see it coming. Whether or not they can overcome and truly recover from infidelity could depend on the circumstances under which infidelity took place:

The partner’s willingness to discuss the affair openly,
The details of the affair,
The level of emotional intimacy between partners.

Can A Relationship Go Back To Normal After Cheating?

If attempts at reconciliation and recovery are one-sided, it’s pointless to even try to patch things up. If you and your partners are committed to making it work and bringing the romance back to life, challenging times lie ahead however it can become healthy again. In some cases – relationships can actually become BETTER than ever.

It’s extremely difficult for a couple to go back to normal and rebuild trust in their relationship after infidelity because trust violation is inevitable. The partner who was cheated on is likely to have major trust issues, and so will the partner who cheated. Keep in mind that people who cheat on a regular basis are often jealous and suspicious of their partners because they project their own negative emotions and desires onto others.

Chances are you both could use some time to think things through and possibly some alone time. You can consider taking a break from your relationship and then start over if you both feel it is the right thing to do. Some couples choose to attend a couple relationship management workshop as part of the healing process.

Steps To Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair

Both partners have to be willing to take action in order to overcome the consequences of the affair:

Step one:
Mutual commitment to investing time, energy and emotional work into resolution,
Step two:
Renegotiating the terms of the relationship,
Step three:
Offering a genuine apology and accepting it,
Step four:
Open communication between partners so they can both develop a deeper understanding of what caused the affair,
Step five:
And then, co-create a plan to move forward based on the information that was uncovered and worked through during the healing time.

Bounce Back With Healthy Relationship Workshop Activities!

Smoothing things over with your partner and rebuilding a strong and healthy relationship is hard work, especially after infidelity or adultery. Regardless of which partner had the affair, you need to join hands and work toward recovery. It’s time to pick up the pieces, and we are here to give you our support and professional guidance through our relationship workshops.

Some couples find that they can make most progress with individual coaching sessions, and others prefer to take our customized intensive workshops. The PIVOT process could be the answer you have been looking for. Call now!

Can You Take A Break From Your Relationship?

Posted on April 6, 2020October 27, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Taking a break may be an effective way to deal with trust issues, constant arguing, boredom, intimacy problems, or any other challenges in a relationship. It can give you some time to work on yourself or consider certain issues in your relationship with some distance.

However, the question of whether taking a break can truly benefit you and your partner greatly depends on your specific situation. In some cases, a break can be one of the ways to keep your relationship strong and healthy. In others, it’s the beginning of the end.

So, whether you want to take a break to see if you can move past infidelity or determine whether you see a future with your partner, you and your partner need to set certain rules for your break. If you truly want your relationship to work, discussing the nature of your relationship break is essential for setting the basis for becoming a stronger, healthier couple.

Do Breaks In Relationships Work?

If one of the partners wants a break, the other is often left wondering if this is the end for their relationship. Unfortunately, for a great number of couples, it often is because they either don’t discuss the reasons behind this honestly or fail to handle the circumstances of their break in a constructive way. Of course, some couples grow apart or simply realize that they are not meant for each other.

So, what should you do if you need a break, but truly want to make it work because you believe it will benefit you and your partner?

5 Tips For Handing A Relationship Break

Here are a few suggestions that can help you out.

First, consider the reason for a break. If you’re the one who wants a break, ask yourself why you need this. Consider how this can benefit you in your relationship and whether it’s an opportunity for self-growth rather than a way to break up without breaking up. If you truly feel that a break can be good for you, you should discuss it with your partner.
Bring it up properly. Don’t just spring this on your partner in the middle of a fight and then leave. Pick a time to discuss this and explain your reasons. Also, make sure to listen to what your partner has to say about this. Open communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, especially in a situation like this one.
Set up certain boundaries. Taking a break doesn’t mean simply leaving and calling your partner when you feel like it. Instead, you need to have some rules regarding your communication, the purpose of the break, dating other people, etc. Without this important step, a break can really harm your relationship.
Stay in touch. If you agree to talk to each other, make sure you do. Of course, you should still acknowledge that you’re on a break, so don’t keep calling your partner as if nothing happened. Set the boundaries you both agree to in regards to communication during the break.
Consider possible alternatives. For some couples, a break may not be the best solution. In fact, sometimes this step only contributes to deepening the gap in your relationship. So, consider an alternative solution such as signing up for an intensive couple relationship management workshop that will enable you to really work on your problems.

Is A Break Healthy In A Relationship?

So, if you take these steps, does it mean that a break can truly benefit your relationship? In some situations, taking a break can be a great idea. A break can be a healthy way to deal with the following issues:

Commitment: If you need some time to think before making a long-term commitment, a break can give you an opportunity to truly evaluate your relationship and determine if you want to spend your life with your partner.
Infidelity: If your partner has cheated on you, take some time to decide whether you can forgive them and if you want to save your relationship. For most people, this is a major problem, so if you’re one of them, a break can help you make a decision. And, it can help you work through some of the feelings on your own.
Constant arguing. In certain situations, a break can help couples who are constantly fighting, enabling them to calm down and then come back together to really want to understand each other. However, it’s generally not advisable to take a break after one big fight. Instead, try to work through the issues.

When You Shouldn’t Take A Break

However, there are situations in which taking a break from your relationship is definitely not a good idea. These include:

Other people

If a break is just an excuse to see other people, it certainly won’t benefit your relationship. In fact, it will just cause you to resent each other and result in many other problems in your relationship.

Manipulation

If one of the partners wants to take a break simply to win an argument or scare their partner into doing what they want, they may be doing this solely to manipulate them. Of course, you may not want to do this on purpose, but in these situations, partners often break up.

Alternative solutions

If you think your problems can be resolved in some other way, don’t take a break. Oftentimes, communication and coaching can benefit partners far more than distance. For instance, you and your partner can look into private couple retreats for reconnection and try to resolve your problems together.

Can Time Apart Strengthen A Relationship?

Spending some time apart can help you build a strong, healthy relationship provided that you take a break for a good reason and take steps to make sure it works. Here’s how a break can deepen and strengthen your relationship:

It can enable you to work on yourself. This is one of the most important reasons for taking a break, especially if you feel that you’ve been focusing on your partner and relationship while neglecting yourself. You can work on your goals and needs or resolve personal issues that might be sabotaging your relationship.
It can help you determine your priorities. Use the time to consider what truly matters in your life. If you’re not certain about your relationship, you can consider whether something else might be more important in your life at the moment.
It can help you realize you truly love your partner. Whether you’ve been wondering whether you’re with the right person or aren’t certain you really love your partner or are simply infatuated, a break can help you put things into perspective.
It can help you freshen up your relationship. If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel like you’ve been stuck in a rut, you can take a break to bring in some novelty. You and your partner can try out some new things and think of ways how to bring excitement back into your life.
It gives you time to reconnect with others. If you’ve neglected your friends and family because you’ve been focusing solely on your partner, you may end up resenting them for it. Taking a break can enable you to spend some time working on other relationships in your life.

Does A Break Mean You’re Single?

Many couples consider a break to be a free pass for seeing other people. However, this can only harm a relationship and even cause a couple to break up. A break isn’t the same as a break-up unless one of the partners really wants to break up.

In general, you and your partner should discuss whether you are allowed to see other people during your break. However, even if both of you agree to this, you should consider whether this can benefit your relationship.

In most cases, this may lead to resentment, jealousy, and trust issues, especially if one of you wanted a break just to be with someone they are interested in. You should avoid dating other people and focus on improving your relationship. If you feel that you want to date other people, this is generally a sign that you should break up.

How Long Should A Break In A Relationship Last?

It’s important that you and your partner set a deadline for a break. You shouldn’t let your break drag on for several months. Instead, determine when you will meet to discuss your relationship. For instance, you can spend a week or two apart and then see whether you need some more time apart. If you don’t do this, none of you will feel comfortable asking the other person if you can be together once again.

Join A Couple Relationship Management Workshop & Avoid The Pitfalls Of Relationship Breaks

Although a break can help your relationship in certain situations, the truth is that it more often leads to a break-up. If you believe that you’re with the right person and want to work through your problems, joining couples’ coaching can offer numerous benefits to you and your partner.

Therefore, consider turning to our PIVOT Advocates who will provide you with the support and assistance needed to face your relationship problems rather than run away from them. If you believe that you’re taking a break for all the wrong reasons, you and your partner can work actively on resolving your issues through intensive workshops at our personalized couples intensives.

Additionally, we also enable you to join the individual coaching based on the PIVOT process that will help you address your personal issues or behaviors that have been sabotaging your relationship. Change is possible with us, so let’s make it together!

Relationship Coaching: How Does It Help?

Posted on April 6, 2020October 27, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

We all experience emotional distress in our relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the relationships we build with other people can even seem like the main cause of our unhappiness. If this sounds like you, you may be wondering if a knowledgeable relationship coach would be able to help you overcome your emotional struggles.

Whether you have trouble letting your guard down while dating or want to find out how to deal with cheating in your relationship, there’s a good chance that you would benefit from individual or couples relationship coaching. Keep reading to find out how this type of coaching can help you transform your life and heal your emotional wounds.

What Is Relationship Coaching?

Relationship coaches aim to help you achieve positive behavioral change in your relationships by providing effective and long-lasting solutions. The PIVOT Process, in particular, is designed to help you grow and reconnect with the people in your life in the shortest amount of time possible. Our PIVOT Advocates make this possible by carefully listening to what you have to say and devising high-impact solutions for your specific situation through our individualized curriculum.

If you are yearning for change in your life, then the PIVOT Process might be the perfect way to start on your path to self-improvement. Relationship coaching can help you uncover underlying behavioral patterns and provide effective ways for transforming them.

How Can Coaching Help A Relationship?

Seeking help from relationship experts can enhance your life in a myriad of ways. So, if you are thinking about taking a break from your relationship or struggle to keep your relationship healthy, relationship coaching may bring the relief you are seeking.

Benefits Of Relationship Coaching

Wondering in what ways coaching can improve your relationship? Here are some of the most important reasons why The PIVOT Process relationship coaching is worth a try:

Gaining a deep understanding of yourself.
To establish a close, intimate relationship, with family, friends, and primary love relationship, you first need to resolve your inner conflicts and understand your mindset and behavior in relationship with others.
Identifying underlying negative patterns.
When you encounter a crisis, you may not be aware that the issue is often a manifestation of an established negative pattern. An intensive coaching workshop can help bring these patterns to light and pivot you to healthier responses.
Resolving deep frustrations.
Once the patterns are identified, you can then work on the deepest issues with the help of a professional coaching advocate. They will help you understand why the issues came about and how you can approach solving them.
Enhancing communication.
If you understand where your challenges come from, you will feel closer to each other and will find it easier to communicate and resolve any disagreements without frustration and anger.
Deepening intimacy.
Coaching will encourage you to focus on understanding others and respect other’s needs. All of these changes will help enhance your capacity for emotional intimacy and change your relationships for the better.

Our individual, couples, family coaching and retreat workshops can have a positive effect on your relationships because change starts with yourself.

What Is Individual Coaching?

If you wish to start your path to a healthier emotional life with individual sessions, you may not be entirely sure what this type of coaching entails. Here’s how individual coaching can benefit you and your relationships.

Learn How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationships

The purpose of individual coaching is to enable you to better understand why you do what you do in relationships. See how your childhood relationships and past hurts have influenced your adult life and work on changing your negative patterns. By understanding your particular attachment style, you will learn how to identify your relationship needs and work on building healthier behavioral patterns. Uncovering and knowing what you want and need in relationships, then asking for what you want and need, and then being able to accept others responses when they may not mirror your own wants and needs.

Individual Coaching Will Illuminate Your Emotional Intelligence.

Getting to know yourself better is the first step toward facilitating lasting change in your emotional life. With the help of PIVOT Advocates, you will not only build self-awareness but you will also enhance your self-esteem and learn how to handle conflict in your relationships without bitterness and resentment.

Start Building Happy And Healthy Relationships

Individual relationship coaching has one main goal – to help you live better and create healthier and happier connections with the people in your life. The valuable insights you will gain from the PIVOT Process will provide the perfect starting point for your journey to personal and relational improvement.

How Do I Know If I Need Couples Relationship Coaching?

Not sure if you and your partner should go to a relationship coaching workshop? Yes, all couples fight, but it’s not always easy to determine when enough is enough. Here are some signs that you and your partner may benefit from a coaching retreat of workshops:

You fight about the same issues constantly. Having the same fights over and over usually means that there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
Your partner doesn’t provide emotional support. If you get more support from outside of the relationship than from your partner, it might be time for an intensive workshop.
You keep criticizing each other. Sure, there’s such thing as constructive criticism, receiving nothing but negative remarks from your partner is never a good sign.
You feel angry with your partner all the time. If you feel constant anger and dissatisfaction in your relationship, individual relationship coaching is the best place to start. Then you can take what you have learned and apply it to repairing and restoring the relationship with your partner.

Do I Need Individual Coaching AND Couples Coaching?

If your relationship with your partner is not healthy – it is a good idea to start with working on yourself and also having couples coaching sessions periodically during the process. It is healthy and recommended to start applying what you are learning about yourself to your partner. This can – for many couples – be a form of intimacy that is crucial to repairing a challenging relationship.

Individual coaching focuses on the individual. This form of coaching is a good choice if you need help working through personal issues or reaching your goals. However, since individual understanding and growth are necessary for establishing healthy relationships, this type of coaching or our 5-day individual retreat at The Glass House can come prior to couples retreats.
Couples coaching is effective if you feel like your relationship with your partner is causing you distress and needs attention immediately. The choice between these two forms of coaching will depend on your preferences and the nature of the issue. Our coaches can help you with a plan that will best fit your needs.

Either way, the experienced PIVOT coaches will make sure that your intensive workshop brings you maximum benefits by targeting the core issues and allowing you to resolve them in a way that feels comfortable and is optimally effective for your particular needs.

Create Meaningful Connections With The Help From A PIVOT Relationship Coach

Struggling to find peace and meaning in your relationships? Let us help. At PIVOT, we provide emotional guidance for individuals and couples in the form of effective relationship coaching and intensive relationship-building skills workshops. With a little bit of courage and help from our experienced PIVOT Advocates, you can take immediate action to change your life for the better. Reach out to us today!

Tips For Building Healthier Relationships

Posted on April 6, 2020October 27, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Being in a relationship is not always rainbows and butterflies, especially once the honeymoon period passes. While it’s easy to believe that love is all a relationship needs to stay healthy, maintaining happy and meaningful connections with your loved ones actually requires substantial time and effort from both parties in the relationship.

Building trust in a relationship requires more than just love and attending an intensive workshop is often the best course of action for many couples. In this article, we will share valuable advice from relationship coaches on maintaining healthier relationships even in the face of serious challenges such as infidelity from your partner or trying to rekindle the magic after taking a relationship break. Read on!

How do you keep a relationship strong and healthy?

If you wish your relationship to work, you need to be ready to put in some work. A healthy relationship takes commitment and courage, no matter what the movies may tell you. Often, a healthy relationship can even seem boring to some people, precisely because we’re constantly bombarded with the idea of young couples who are madly in love with each other but don’t actually experience real struggles in their relationship.

Qualities of a healthy relationship

While no two relationships are the same, there are certain qualities that all happy relationships have in common. The following characteristics are typical of healthy relationships:

You and your partner don’t shy away from necessary conflict. Occasional disagreement is perfectly normal in any relationship. While you may be inclined to avoid conflict, you should know that being able to have a healthy argument is key to maintaining a healthy connection with your partner.
You are able to communicate honestly and openly. Communication is the cornerstone of a happy relationship. You and your partner should be comfortable expressing your thoughts and needs to each other without fear or embarrassment.
You have a deep and lasting connection. A relationship can’t be truly healthy without emotional intimacy. A lack of emotional connection and trust can create distance and easily result in you and your partner drifting apart.
You have your own life but also have common interests. You can’t expect your partner to meet your every need. Instead, you should both have your unique interests and personalities, as well as maintain healthy connections with people outside of the relationship too.

Are words important in a relationship?

While saying “I love you” a million times per day won’t actually make a relationship healthy, words definitely have a considerable power to change the way we relate to the ones we love. How you communicate with your partner in private and in public can have a significant impact on your relationship.

For instance, choosing kind words when speaking with your partner will make them feel appreciated and loved, while adopting a harsh communication style may subconsciously decrease their self-esteem and create resentment. In general, compliments, positive and reassuring language, and a calm demeanor in arguments have the power to strengthen and deepen the emotional connection you have with your partner.

What are the three C’s in a healthy relationship?

Creating and maintaining lasting relationships requires much more than just love. In fact, sustaining a healthy relationship is much more difficult than many people seem to believe. Luckily, there is a way to simplify what a relationship needs to thrive. Here are the three C’s that can help you make your relationship last.

Communication

This one is a no-brainer. Unless you and your partner are able to communicate openly and honestly about your needs, fears, and thoughts, you can’t expect the relationship to remain healthy for too long. Instead of sweeping problems under the rug, you should be comfortable with raising difficult topics without anger and drama.

Compromise

You and your partner are two individuals with different values, needs, and personalities. If you are able to accept your differences and find common ground, both of you will feel understood and appreciated. Being able to compromise is a must if you wish to keep your relationship strong and healthy.

Commitment

All lasting relationships are built on one thing – genuine and ongoing commitment. This means that both you and your partner should be willing to give and persist through challenges if you wish for the relationship to work. Building trust and deepening emotional intimacy takes time but is absolutely necessary for any healthy relationship.

How do you maintain love in a relationship?

If you’ve been experiencing difficulties in your relationship, you are probably looking for a way to rekindle the flame and bring back the magic. Here are some tips for improving and maintaining the connection with your partner:

Small gestures of love can go a long way.
Show your partner that you care, whether with words or other acts of kindness. You’d be surprised at how much showing that you care can benefit your relationship.
Speak your mind.
Share your thoughts with your partner regularly, making sure to let them know how you feel about the relationship and how much they matter to you. This also applies to conflicts – if you feel upset about something, let your partner know.
Make your partner feel special.
We all want to feel loved and cherished, and so does your partner. Don’t expect them to always know how much you love them. Instead, go out of your way to show them how important they are in your life.
Be there for your partner in times of need.
Just as you should feel comfortable confiding in your partner, they should also know that you would be there to comfort them and listen to what they have to say.
Have fun together.
Sharing new experiences and simply enjoying life together can do wonders for rekindling the spark in your relationship. Even if it’s as simple as watching a movie together, it will help create a deeper bond between the two of you.

Revive your relationship at our couples retreat & relationship workshop

Sometimes, seeking help from professional relationship coaches is the best course to take if you feel like your relationship needs a little push. At PIVOT, we work with couples and individuals who want to create and maintain meaningful relationships in their life.

Why not start improving your relationships today? You can do so either by attending our high-impact relationship workshops or exploring your relational wounds through our intensive coaching sessions for individuals and couples. Contact us today!

The Secret to Having Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Painful Relationships

Posted on March 13, 2020October 16, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Anyone with a traumatic childhood often experiences painful relationships and emotional hurt in adulthood.

This was my experience.

I wanted to live a happy and healthy life, but, at the time, I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to manage the pain from my traumatic past that often surfaced in my current relationships.

If this you, then there is a way to have healthy relationships and to heal your hurt. Changing our ways is rarely easy, but it can certainly be done with effective emotional intimacy coaching.

What is relational freedom?

I call this relational freedom… when you experience life and relationships from a healthy alignment and can manage and tolerate uncomfortable emotions while maintaining self-care.

It doesn’t mean that sometimes you won’t get hurt. Or never feel intense emotions again.

It’s about having a choice to stop and acknowledge what you feel and understand where those feelings come from instead of behaving in an old pattern.

It’s about having the freedom to choose taking action that won’t harm you or other people.

How can you achieve relational freedom?

The first step is to pay attention to the actions that you would normally take when different emotions are triggered.

For me, for example, I noticed that my wounds would get activated in situations that weren’t even troubling. I began looking at how I could shift, or pivot, away from that part of myself that was getting activated, towards a healthier action – which I call relational or relationship alignment.

Relational alignment is the process of thinking (good rational thinking), feeling (high level of emotional intelligence) and doing (healthy actions) with congruency. And it is doing these in alignment that leads to healthy actions.

I used this internal process to pivot from my old way of thinking, feeling and behaving to a healthier action.

The most important part of this process for me was learning that even though I got triggered with my abandonment issues that I could still care for and love myself. I didn’t need to make anyone responsible for my pain.

Overcoming Relationship Challenges & Achieving Relational Freedom

I admit, this process isn’t easy. But learning to do this set me free from my old survival patterns.

To use the relational alignment process, start by asking yourself:

Do my feelings make logical sense to me?
Do my actions align with what I’m feeling?
Do my actions align with what I’m thinking?

This will help you think, feel and do in a healthier way, so you can be free to attach to others without feeling like the victim or taking others hostage. The result is a healthy adult.

It’s About Making Healthy Choices

To test if you are moving towards being a healthy adult, ask these questions of yourself:

What part of me can make healthier choices in relationship with myself and others?
What part of me can say yes or no?
What are my healthy choices right now?
What emotions am I feeling, and do I take responsibility for them?
Can I continue to take care of myself no matter if I’m in an uncomfortable or complicated situation?

These questions are the foundation for living as a healthy adult.

The good news, when you have the foundation for living as a healthy adult, then you can achieve relational alignment and attach securely and healthily to others… no matter what childhood challenges you’ve faced.

As a healthy adult, you choose to make healthy choices even though you may be in a situation that would normally trigger you and activate your survival patterns. It is having the freedom to make these choices that leads to a healthy attachment to others.

Relational Freedom: What It Really Means

Relational freedom comes from relational alignment. It means that if you can think, feel and do in a healthy and congruent way, then you can attach to others in a healthy way.

In other words, you’re free to be who you are and make healthier relationship choices, which is the definition of relational freedom.

With relational freedom, you have a higher level of consciousness. You are more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This means you can make the best choices for you.

This gives you the safety of connecting in a healthy way and building deep relationships.

And if relationship challenges occur, you can create healthy solutions, instead of running away from situations or being triggered to react.

The result, life becomes more joyful, loving, healthy and easier because you are aware of what you need to do to take care of yourself. And you choose to have healthy connections.

Understand Yourself With #1 Emotional Intimacy Coaching

I know this process may seem like hard work. However, if you take the time to go through the process, then you will have a deep understanding of yourself and what needs to change. The good news is that no matter what childhood experiences you had, you can create healthy relationships with some courage and perhaps some relationship intimacy coaching exercises.

If you want help to move away from old patterns and create relational alignment and freedom, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help you with all your relationship struggles, whether you’re afraid that your partner doesn’t love you, want to know if love is all a relationship needs, or struggle with being emotionally intimate with your partner.

At PIVOT, we render transformative relationship coaching for individuals and couples and hold intensive couples retreats at The Glass House, our residential facility that provides a comfortable environment for facilitating positive change. Reach out to us today!

What Are Your Survival Patterns in Relationships?

Posted on March 13, 2020October 27, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you use survival patterns… and not even know it?

What Are Survival Patterns?

They are skills you develop to help you navigate your emotional pain. These patterns, often referred to as love styles, help you manage and tolerate the feelings you have.

Survival patterns tend to show up when you have some unresolved emotional trauma.

Unfortunately, survival patterns don’t always serve you.

How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Style

To help you see if you do have patterns and show you how traumas create negative patterns in relationships, let me share my story.

I was born into a beautiful family. My parents loved each other, and this love flowed to my older sister, Joy Ann and myself. For the first couple of years of my life, I felt loved, wanted and cared for.

I felt happy and secure, especially with my father.

Then, when I was a toddler, tragedy struck.

My father drowned in a canoeing accident at the coaching camp we attended together.

He was in a canoe with another coach and two basketball players. They were joking around, splashing water on each other. And then my father fell out of the canoe. He never resurfaced.

It took a long time to find his body.

That day changed my life forever.

From that moment onwards, my mom checked out due to grief. She shut down. Worse still, the doctors told her that she should start drinking a couple of glasses of wine each night, to help her sleep.

She started with two, but this quickly grew to eight glasses… and developed into alcoholism.

At the age of four, I essentially lost both parents.

My mother was a beautiful woman and soon after my father died, she met a man in a bar. She remarried within six months.

My stepfather had no idea what he was signing up for. He began to control our environment because my Mom had lost control. It felt like he took her away from me. For the first time in my life, I had feelings of jealousy.

To deal with this I started to develop survival patterns, or skills to deflect the emotional pain I was feeling. The survival pattern I developed was secretive behavior.

And one of the secretive habits was stealing my stepfather’s peanuts. This helped me feel in control when everything around me had been lost.

I wanted to feel like something was mine.

I was only five, and I remember taking six to eight peanuts at a time. I knew if I took more than ten, he would notice and yell at me. This level of detail was a result of the trauma that I had early in my life.

Stealing peanuts was a silent way to control my emotional pain.

It was my way of rebelling against someone who took away my mother and started her alcoholism – or so my five-year-old self thought.

Does Childhood Trauma Ever Go Away?

Survival patterns typically remain the same in our adulthood. When my inner child was activated in my adult life, then I would once again turn to my secretive behavior as a survival pattern.

I would secretly go out on a quest to obtain something that I could take and claim as mine.

I developed these secretive behaviors because I felt abandoned as a child and wanted to have something of my own.

When I was a teenager, I’d steal clothes, so no one would know how screwed up things were at home.

When I was an adult, I continued being secretive by hiding my feelings and trying to control the outcomes in relationships.

Today, when I work with my clients as a relationship coach, I see them incorporating survival patterns to manage and tolerate their feelings. Feelings that trace back to their childhood.

They continue using the same love styles to cope in their adult lives.

The result… the drama continues, and the past trauma continues to get activated, even in situations where it’s not reasonable to have intense emotions.

It’s important to consider how your survival patterns are still showing up today and to see how they negatively impact your adult relationships.

What Is Your Survival Pattern?

See if you recognize any of these patterns below:

The Avoider Love Style

If you’re an avoider, you’re probably sensitive to criticism, rejection, and failure.

You may try to escape getting hurt by making yourself smaller or invisible.

You live within your controllable comfort zone, but you criticize yourself before anyone else can do this to you. You are constantly on the lookout for signs of judgment, criticism or danger.

As an avoider, you remove yourself from relationships where you have the risk of getting hurt.

The Pleaser Love Style

As a pleaser, you may believe that to avoid getting rejected or abandoned, you need to please everyone, making sure that everyone is “ok” with you.

As a pleaser you may have a role, such as:

The caretaker – you may feel very responsible for others;
The chameleon – you can fit in everywhere;
The joker – you try to win people over by being fun and the life of the party.

Whichever role you take, it’s all about putting others first.

As a child you may have grown up keeping the peace by helping. And as an adult you feel burnt out and unfulfilled. As a pleaser your sense of self-worth and safety depends on the approval of others.

The Controller Love Style

As a controller you feel you need to dominate people and situations. You may feel that you need to control outcomes in relationships, as well as every aspect of your life.

You may even take on the role of being the authority so you can enforce your ideas and rules on others, just to avoid feeling exposed, powerless and unsafe.

By controlling others, you feel more empowered and secure. However, underneath this you may have deep feelings of inferiority, vulnerability and pain, which trace back to traumas from your childhood.

The Achiever Love Style

Are you known as a go-getter, the one who achieves a lot? And who always exceeds everyone’s expectations?

Do you strive for the next achievement, never taking time to enjoy what you just accomplished?

Do you sometimes call yourself a perfectionist? And can’t accept mediocrity?

Your identity and self-worth are defined by your successes because your self-esteem comes through achievement. However, although you achieve goals, deep inside you may still have the fear of not being good enough, which motivates you to keep achieving.

This may lead to you feeling burnt out, empty, or unfulfilled. The result is that your relationships may suffer.

How Do I Overcome My Survival Pattern?

These survival patterns are your “go-to,” but you’ll see that most of the actions and behaviors no longer serve you. And they ultimately stop you from creating healthy relationships with other adults.

It’s not easy to change your behavior because it’s ingrained in your relationship dynamics. This makes it challenging for you to develop healthy emotional intimacy with your partner.

The first step is to be aware of your old patterns. See what triggers it. Early childhood relationships are the first place to look to identify survival patterns.

The next step is to know what your core wound is. Search your history to see what childhood trauma is unresolved. And GET HELP.

My core wound is abandonment and not feeling good enough. As a child, I constantly feared that I would be left.

The good news is that no matter what survival pattern you have, it doesn’t mean you’ve got this for life.

Let An Experienced Relationship Coach Help!

If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with your unhealthy love style forever. Instead, you need to be open to change and find a relationship expert to talk about the pain that’s inside of you and learn how to love yourself first.

Relationship coaching can also help you if you can’t seem to accept love or need help dealing with being ignored, as well as with a whole range of other issues. Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship.

Looking for a relationship coach online? If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We offer effective relationship issues workshops at The Glass House, as well as transformative individual relationship coaching. We’re here to help.