Attachment Archives

Avoidant Attachment Can Feel Like Love Avoidance

Posted on August 8, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

On the surface, someone with an avoidant attachment style may seem independent, strong, and self-sufficient. They may seem like they aren’t ruled by emotions and tend to stay above the drama. However, in a relationship, an avoidant partner may be more reserved, less vulnerable, and even self-protective. This can cause confusion and increase conflict. And, if you are the avoidant partner, you may feel stifled and even uncomfortable with intimacy, leading to romantic blocks and dissatisfaction down the line.

Despite the challenges of the avoidant attachment style in relationships, it’s important to remember that change and growth are always possible. A partner with an avoidant attachment style may desire love, but they may also have a deep (conscious or unconscious) fear of intimate connections. Understanding this pattern and its origins is crucial for both those with avoidant attachment styles and their partners. Fortunately, there are ways for these individuals to navigate connections and build healthy, authentic relationships.

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style

How Is an Avoidant Attachment Style Formed?

Attachment style describes how an individual attaches to others in relationships, including romantic partnerships. It is significantly influenced by the emotional bonds infants form with their earliest caregivers. People generally develop a secure and healthy attachment style if their needs are met in infancy and childhood. However, if early needs are met inconsistently or incompletely, they are more likely to form an insecure attachment style.

People with an avoidant attachment style in relationships may have had caregivers who were emotionally distant, inconsistent, or dismissive of their needs. There may have been overt abuse and neglect, or their parent may have been unskilled or unable to meet their needs.

It’s crucial to understand that this attachment style developed as self-protection. Recognizing this can foster empathy and understanding in those with an avoidant attachment style and their partners, paving the way for healthier relationships.

How Can You Identify an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships?

Understanding how avoidant attachment affects relationships can prove extremely helpful for both partners. For the avoidant partner, it can be a valuable aid in identifying underlying factors and areas that need addressing. As for those who love someone with an avoidant attachment style, this knowledge can provide a fresh viewpoint. Having empathy and understanding for a person with an avoidant attachment style can help their partner approach the relationship in new, healthy ways.

Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

Coping Mechanism	How it Affects the Relationship
May have a limited emotional range	Has difficulty expressing love and other emotions Yearns for closeness but keeps partner at arm’s length Partner feels rejected, unloved, or conflicted and confused
Values independence and self-sufficiency to a fault	Adopted as protection when the painful consequences of vulnerability occurred in childhood Prioritizes work and personal interests Though a healthy sense of autonomy and independence is beneficial, it may be used as insulation from the emotional demands of the relationship
Fears commitment	Vulnerability and openness may be perceived as threats May avoid open displays of affection May end relationships when they become too close or serious

Curious How You are Attaching in a Specific Relationship?

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Can a Person With an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships Be a Good Partner?

The answer to this question is never black and white; like all things in life, it’s much more nuanced. In general, the success of the relationship lies in either the avoidant partner’s willingness to grow and adapt to a new dimension of emotional trust and safety or the partner of the avoidant person adapting their emotional expectations.

Avoidant behaviors (e.g., emotional withdrawal, commitment challenges, etc.) may have seemed protective in the past, but they normally do not benefit emotionally mature adult relationships. In fact, they often derail authentic connections.

Self-Awareness Is Key

The first step for someone with an avoidant attachment style to become a better partner is self-awareness. This starts with recognizing that while your survival patterns may have kept you safe, they may have also kept you lonely, disconnected, and unfulfilled. By recognizing avoidant tendencies and acknowledging harmful behavioral patterns, a person can begin to actively challenge them to “make room” for healthier emotional expression.

When an individual with an avoidant attachment style in relationships is ready for change, ideally, they will seek help along the way. A relationship coach can provide the scaffolding needed to make the heavy lifting possible. The right coach can not only help you or your partner revisit the past to identify the origins of protective behavior patterns but will also teach strategies for letting your guard down as you move forward. By opening up and expressing emotions in a safe space, it is possible to replace the coping mechanisms that have limited your relationship with sustainable strategies that forge secure and comfortable connections.

Overcome an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships With PIVOT

If you or your partner are trapped in a love-avoidance cycle, know that change is possible. A PIVOT-certified coach will provide the support needed to change your approach if you tend to have an avoidant attachment style in relationships. With this foundation, you can open up and create the solid connections you want and deserve.

Through the PIVOT process used in our individual coaching sessions and at our Glass House attachment retreat, you’ll find a safe space to recover your self-esteem and unravel the emotional barriers holding you back. Our experienced team is there to guide you every step of the way, offering personalized coaching that caters to your unique needs and challenges. Call us today at 1-855-452-0707 to start the healing journey.

What Is Avoidance / Ambivalence Attachment?

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

For some individuals, thinking about being in a relationship can activate feelings of wanting to run away. Why? Because they feel that the needs of a partner, family member, or employer are overwhelming.

Attachment theory explains the development of attachment styles, which are formed through early interactions with caregivers. Unfortunately, many individuals find themselves attracted to avoidant or ambivalent partners. These attachment styles can significantly influence adult relationships, often leading to a series of unhealthy patterns which cause a great deal of pain for both sides in the relationship. If this is the case with you and your partner, consider love avoidance coaching or intensive workshops which can give you the tools and resources you need to heal your attachment wounds.

Read on to learn more about love avoidance and ambivalence.

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What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is the inability and fear to show love. Individuals will carefully guard themselves when in relationships and avoid real intimacy… to protect themselves from rejection, loss and pain. Often they are not even aware of the behavior and it can be misunderstood as selfishness.

Unfortunately, denial and avoidance become habits, which keeps the individual from being seen, feeling connected and loved.

Paradoxically, the individual will often want more but will go outside the relationship to get what they want, because it feels safer.

The avoidant thinks first, then takes action, and then sometimes processes their feelings after the action. What happens next is sometimes regret, doubt, uncertainty, and/or confusion.

People with avoidance issues have difficulty trusting others and will distance themselves if a relationship feels too close. Experiences in early childhood are usually the cause of this, and they use avoidance to try to feel safe within an intimate relationship.

How Do You Know If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Do you think you or your partner have avoidance issues? That may be the case if you notice that you tend to be uncomfortable with intimacy in your relationship and have a way of escaping commitment when you start to feel stifled or suffocated.

If you worry your partner is avoidant, you may want to look for signs such as:

Not returning your texts or calls
Idealizing a past relationship
Sending mixed signals
Keeping secrets
Childish and sullen behavior
Showing mistrust
Escaping commitment

Of course, these are just some of the signs your partner may exhibit in your relationship. However, if you feel like most of these signs ring true, you may want to consider professional couple counseling or relationship therapy workshops.

Do Avoidants Fall In Love?

Despite the name, love avoidants actually crave love and affection, just like everyone else. However, they often exhibit insecure attachment styles due to their childhood wounds, making it more difficult for them to face disappointment and betrayal than other people. As a result, they tend to guard their feelings and do all they can to avoid being hurt in their relationships. They are not running away from love, they are running away from pain. In contrast, individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to form healthy relationships and handle emotional challenges effectively.

Why Are Love Avoidants Attracted to Love Addicts?

Both love addicts and love avoidants often carry deeply ingrained fears and insecurities that stem from their childhood. On one hand, addicts crave affection and love that they rarely received from their parent or caregiver. Love avoidants, on the other hand, typically try to run from intimacy to avoid getting engulfed and hurt once again.

While the relationship may work initially, it is bound to come with its own set of challenges. As the love addict showers the avoidant with love and affection, the avoidant will inevitably start to pull away. The distancing of the avoidant will lead the addict to seek even more reassurance and affection as proof of the avoidant’s love. This cycle often repeats itself. This is what many refer to as a love addicted tango.

How Do You Deal With A Love Avoidant?

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be extremely challenging, especially for a love addict. But despite the challenges, it is possible to create a deep connection with an avoidant, but only if they are willing to put in some effort, too. Here’s how you can improve your relationship with an avoidant partner:

Be patient and show your partner that they can trust you
Give your partner some space instead of chasing them
Keep in mind that their love avoidance is not your fault
Be understanding and dependable without overwhelming them
Learn the differences between the wants and needs for the relationship between you and your partner
Recognize your own unhealthy survival patterns
Set healthy boundaries
Don’t neglect your own needs

What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Another way attachment shows up is if the individual is unavailable for intimacy. This means they are caught up in feeling anxious and also at times avoidant. This is the type of person that communicates “come here – go away”. This is known as being Ambivalent.

The ambivalent (or anxious avoidant) gets stuck in a prolonged cycle of thoughts and feelings, with little to no action. Freezing is the familiarity, even if it is painful, confusing, or exhausting.

The coping strategies that are avoidant or ambivalent which people use relate to creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship, such as non-intimate sex, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol.

Among all of the attachment styles, ambivalent attachment seems to be the most chaotic. This is because ambivalent attachment tends to come from a childhood in which the parent or caregiver was inconsistent in providing love and affection. In another example- divorce between parents can create a separation and level of confusion for a child or adolescent. Imagine either parent sending completely different messages or signals to their children during their formative years and through their adolescence that conflict or are misaligned.

How Do You Know If You Have an Ambivalent Attachment Style?

Being ambivalent in your relationships or living with an ambivalent partner can be exhausting. If you’re worried that your partner has an ambivalent attachment style, look for the following traits:

Is your partner constantly critical or picky?
Do they have a history of short relationships?
Are they confused about what they want from the relationship?
Do they always seem distant or busy?
Are their actions unpredictable?
Are they hesitant to make long-term plans?

If you never feel sure of what your partner feels or thinks, it’s likely that you feel lost and confused about the nature of your relationship. If that’s the case, it would probably be a good idea to seek expert help if you want to salvage the relationship and improve your mental health.

Link Between Attachment Style And Depression

The Glass House Retreat helps avoidant and ambivalent individuals find their voice and use it.

When the avoidant or ambivalent behavior is defined and understood, it becomes a starting point to treat the underlying causes that create love avoidance. If this isn’t treated, then it often leads to depression.

When an individual has difficulty deciding whether to leave a relationship, this indecisiveness can lead to a combination of feeling anxious and depressed.

Why Is Attachment Important To Physical And Mental Health?

Avoidant and ambivalent attachment behaviors can significantly decrease the quality of your life, especially when it comes to your interpersonal relationships. In fact, the style of our attachment is a key factor in our physical and mental health. Here’s how:

The relationship with our caregivers will shape our intimate relationships and influence our adult attachment styles
Unhealthy attachment can result in difficulties with understanding our emotions.
In turn, we may struggle with relating to the emotions of other people.
Without healthy connections with others, we may struggle with anxiety and depression.
Our attachment style can make it hard to bounce back from disappointment and failure.

These attachment styles can affect adult relationships by influencing emotional behavior and partner dynamics. As you can see, your attachment style is a key factor in determining your personal relationships. Because of this, working on your attachment can be incredibly useful for improving your intimate relationships and overall wellbeing.

What Causes Love Avoidance and Ambivalence?

Individuals need love and connection with others. However, if you have suffered from feelings of abandonment or loss as a child, then you are likely to develop an insecure attachment style, which can lead to difficulty forming healthy attachments in adulthood, which can lead to avoidance or ambivalence.

Avoidance or ambivalence can also occur from experiencing abuse or neglect as a child from parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches, bullies and friends.

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Avoidance behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for.

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a number of characteristic behaviors, including:

Avoid intimacy in the relationship by creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship
Craving independence at all costs
Emotional withdrawal and bottling up emotions
Avoid being known in the relationship
Distance themselves from intimate contact to keep from feeling engulfed
Over-controlling parenting when young
Secretive behavior – hiding feelings
Need to be seen and adored and then escape
Refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem
Tolerance for high-risk behavior
Denial that there is a problem

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Ambivalent Attachment

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Ambivalent behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

They let other things outside of the relationship get in the way, i.e., hobbies, work, friends, lovers, addictions—anything.
Typically, they had one anxious and one avoidant parent attachment style
They have a “come here, go away” relational pattern
Crave love and fear it
Avoid intimacy by obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people
They sexualize relationships such that emotional intimacy is non-existent and then become addicted to the sex or the relationship—often both.
They become addicted through romantic affairs rather than committed relationships
They struggle to open to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship.

Can Avoidance or Ambivalence Be Treated?

YES!

The first step starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about healing yourself and being committed to being able to attach securely by knowing what you want and need in a relationship based on your personal storyline and background.

The process includes dealing with feelings and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love.

We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you.

Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

How can you deal with ambivalent or avoidant attachment?

Coping with their attachment style is a long and stressful process for most people. This is because we’re often unaware of the exact issues that stem from our relationship with our caregiver in our early childhood and finding out exactly how much it has affected us can be both eye-opening and terrifying.

The first step to overcoming your insecure attachment is to get acquainted with your past. Understanding exactly how you became the person you are now can help you accept and reconcile with your childhood experiences.

This is best done through professional therapy and attending different workshops and programs designed to help you improve your relationships and your overall well being. But if you want to take some steps on your own, here’s what you should do:

Start by identifying your emotions and expressing your needs without fear.
Strive to be as authentic in your communication as possible.
Combat your shame and work on your self-esteem.
Try not to criticize yourself and accept your flaws.
Work on compromising and seeing your partner’s perspective.

Of course, these are just some of the steps you can take to start on your path to recovery. In addition to these general coping techniques, you should also seek professional support if you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life.

How To Overcome Insecure Attachment: Our Love Avoidance Intensive Workshops Can Help!

We provide support and healing for these individuals by providing a personal PIVOT coach or coming to The Glass House and taking a 5-day deep dive into the PIVOT process. We provide defining attachment styles, one on one sessions, group process and experiential therapies to encourage individuals to be seen, respected, and understood.

In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about the PIVOT process and our programs. We’re here to help.

Attachment Style Quiz

Posted on July 19, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you ever wondered why you fall head over heels for a new partner, go all-in on new friendships, or are a bit more guarded in how you approach these relationships? It’s all about your relationship attachment style! Take our fun, insightful, quick, 5-minute attachment style quiz to discover whether you have a secure, anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent style of attachment.

Attachment Style Quiz

Take this 5-minute attachment style quiz and then come back here to find out what your results mean!

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While You Wait For Your Results

After you’ve submitted your quiz and you’re waiting for those results to pop up in your inbox, check out these pages to learn more about the different ways people connect and how to develop the healthiest attachments.

PIVOT Resources to Improve Your Attachments

How To Develop A Healthy Attachment Style

What Is Attachment: How Human Behavior Forms

How To Develop A Healthy Attachment Style

Perspective on Anxiety, Depression and Attachment

How To Deal With An Anxious Or Avoidant Partner?

Relationship Fears: Why You Have Them & How To Overcome Them

7 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship

Interpreting Your Attachment Style Results

Based on your quiz results, you may primarily identify as having a secure, anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent attachment style. Depending on who you’re with, you may attach using different styles. One attachment style isn’t necessarily better than another, However, knowing what attachment style you frequently use will help you understand yourself better, and you can begin to work on learning how to attach to others in a healthier way.

What Your Attachment Style Means
Your Style	What It Means	What It Means
Secure	You are confident and comfortable in your relationships. You trust yourself. You communicate openly. You have appropriate boundaries. You maintain a healthy balance of independence and closeness. Love feels safe and fulfilling!	Connect with other attachment styles Set healthy boundaries Remain healthy when you’re surrounded by challenging people
Anxious	You’re often worried about your relationships. You crave constant reassurance. You might fear abandonment. You overthink your partner’s actions (leading to heightened emotional intensity). It can be emotionally draining for others when your anxiety gets in the way.	Learn to trust yourself Learn to think before you react Calm your nervous system Set healthy boundaries Not ruminate and obsess so much Not depend on others to create your happiness Be alone and feel safe
Avoidant	You value independence. You often keep your emotional distance in relationships. You might struggle with intimacy. You prefer to stay self-sufficient and avoid vulnerability. You keep a protective barrier around your heart. You keep others at arm’s length to maintain your sense of control and freedom.	Set healthy boundaries Engage and not quiet your voice Stay in the conversation and not run Not engage in self-destructive behavior from feeling engulfed Be connected to others and feel safe
Ambivalent	You are often caught in an emotional tug-of-war. This is sometimes called an anxious-avoidant style. You crave closeness but also fear rejection, leading to intense, fluctuating feelings. Relationships feel like a rollercoaster, with high highs and low lows. You’re highly sensitive to your partner’s actions. You seek reassurance but sometimes push them away (creating a dynamic of uncertainty and mixed signals).	Get out of the “Come here – Go away” pattern Get clarity from confusion Not rely on other people to have the answers for you Set healthy boundaries Take action when it matters Not worry so much about what other people think

Transform Your Relationships With PIVOT

Worried about the results of your attachment style quiz? Attachment styles aren’t set in stone—you can change how you approach relationships with the help of dedicated relationship coaches.

PIVOT offers transformative attachment style retreats to support you in building healthier connections. Join our small group workshops at the beautiful Glass House in Northern California to learn new attachment behaviors and begin fostering stronger bonds with your loved ones.

Prefer a more private approach? We offer personalized PIVOT sessions and relationship coaching for individuals, couples, or adult families to dig deeper into relationship dynamics. Our services are flexible, so you can work at a pace that suits you. We’re here to help every step of the way!

Reach out to us at 1-855-452-0707 to begin the journey to a healthier, happier life.

Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships

Posted on May 16, 2024 by Lori Jean Glass

What is your attachment style? The answer could be the key to your relationship patterns and habits. At PIVOT, we know people attach differently depending on who or what they attach to! Most people have a common style. So, as you read about attachment styles, think about the various ways you attach!

Your common attachment style often forms early in life and can define your interpersonal relationships. Supportive interactions strengthen attachments, while trauma and betrayal shake relational foundations, making the establishment of stable, reciprocal relationships more challenging. Knowing the types of attachment styles in relationships will help you understand how yours affects your closest connections.

The Four Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships

SECURE	A secure attachment style comes from a solid foundation of security and trust that sets the stage for a healthy relationship. Someone with a secure attachment style may be: Confident Cooperative Flexible Resilient Possible areas for growth: Learn to empathize with those who have insecure attachment styles Strengthen communication skills
ANXIOUS	Despite having the capacity for empathy and strong emotional connections, a person with an anxious attachment style may come across as clingy and lacking boundaries. Someone with an anxious attachment style may be: Overly sensitive Insecure Fearful Mistrustful Possible areas for growth: Learn to identify triggers Set appropriate boundaries Develop a stronger sense of self
AVOIDANT	As a self-protective mechanism, people with an avoidant attachment style prioritize independence and self-reliance over intimacy and commitment. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may be: Cautious Uncommitted Guarded Aloof Possible areas for growth: Increase self-awareness Find a balance between self-sufficiency and close interpersonal bonds
AMBIVALENT	Sometimes referred to as disorganized attachment, an ambivalent style is complicated and may develop when a person experiences inconsistent or chaotic satisfaction of needs in childhood. Someone with an ambivalent attachment style may be: Conflicted Confused Self-Sabotaging Mistrustful Possible areas for growth: Learn to love and understand oneself Practice self-regulation (be proactive instead of reactive)

Attachment style deeply influences close relationships, sometimes subconsciously. The first step to healing your relationships is understanding your attachment style and identifying strengths and areas for growth.

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Healing Your Relationships Starts With Understanding Attachment Styles

Your type of attachment style in relationships may cause you to struggle to make satisfying connections. Fortunately, if you have a less-than-secure attachment style, it is possible to heal and build more secure, adaptive attachments with the proper support.

Relationship coaching with an evidence-based process can help you overcome insecure attachment styles and facilitate lasting behavioral change. Since each person’s life experiences and attachment styles are unique, the most effective coaching will be customized to your needs.

After spending dedicated time engaged in this process, you will better understand yourself and your underlying behavior patterns. If your attachment style is holding you back from having healthy, fulfilling relationships, relational coaching can speed the healing process by providing tools for self-discovery.

Transform Your Relationships With PIVOT

PIVOT offers personalized coaching based on your type of attachment style in relationships. Call us at 1-855-452-0707 for more information about our high-impact coaching and personal growth retreats.

Insecure Anxious Attachment

Posted on May 6, 2021 by Lori Jean Glass

Struggling with jealousy, feeling insecure, and feeling nervous about being separated from your partner are all possible signs of anxious attachment. Rooted in childhood fear of abandonment and feelings of being underappreciated, anxious attachment can affect your adult relationships in a number of ways, often causing trust and intimacy problems.

If you worry that you have an anxious attachment style, you can learn how to build trust in your relationship by attending a workshop tailored to your unique needs. If you learn more about how anxious attachment comes about, you’ll be able to regulate the difficult emotions triggered by your childhood wounds. Understanding how your early experiences shaped who you are today is the first step in building healthy behavioral patterns and mechanisms.

Keep reading to learn what anxious attachment is, what may trigger it, and how you can work on changing unhealthy survival patterns.

What Is Insecure Anxious Attachment?

As a kid, you were completely dependent on your parents or caregivers for protection and nurture. If you were denied an appropriate emotional environment in your childhood, you may have developed an insecure attachment pattern. Anxious attachment, in particular, tends to come about in children who get inconsolable when their caregivers neglect and abandon them.

Do you struggle to feel secure in your relationships? Do you experience a deep fear of abandonment and constantly worry about your partner leaving you? Does your complete inner world feel uncertain, as well as your relationships with others? These may all be signs that you have an anxious attachment style.

What Does Anxious Attachment Look Like?

Not sure if your attachment style could be anxious at times? This may be the case if you:

Struggle with trusting others. Do you often feel like other people don’t have your best interest in mind? Or struggle sharing secrets? Do you expect other people to lie, cheat, or betray you?
Have low self-worth. People with anxious attachment often have low-self esteem and struggle with confidence.
Constantly worry that your partner may abandon you. Do you consider yourself to be clingy? Are you afraid that your partner doesn’t love you or think that they are cheating even if you don’t have a good reason to believe so?
Crave intimacy and closeness. You want to be loved and valued in your relationship, yet often overstep boundaries when seeking intimacy.
Seek frequent reassurance from your loved ones. It is perfectly natural to seek validation and appreciation from others. However, anxious attachment may take this to another level, causing a compulsive need for reassurance.
Are highly sensitive to the moods and actions of your partner. How easy is it for you to differentiate between your own moods and your partner’s? Do you focus on their emotional state more than your own?
Tend to be impulsive, moody, and highly emotional. Individuals with anxious attachment often experience shifting and unstable moods. They may act without thinking and struggle with self-regulation.

What Triggers Anxious Attachment?

While it is not entirely clear to define everything that may cause anxious attachment, inconsistent parenting seems to be an important contributing factor.

If your parents or caregivers were nurturing and loving at some times and emotionally unavailable or cold at others, it may have caused you to become insecure and confused. As a child, you didn’t know what to expect from your parents and their actions therefore if can leave you with a feeling of unmet longing. craved their love and protection.

Parents who struggle to respond adequately to signs of distress in their child may also contribute to anxious attachment. For example, they may consistently not pick up their crying child because they don’t want to “spoil” the child. Other inconsistent parenting patterns may include harsh criticism, insensitivity, and ambivalence. All of this may cause the child to become “whiny” or “clingy”, and transfer these learned behaviors into adulthood.

As your attachment style is adopted in a critical period of your upbringing, it can be difficult to overcome, just like it is to break free from dysfunctional family patterns in general. However hard it may be, it is possible to heal your inner child and adjust your behavioral patterns in a beneficial way.

You can learn how to value yourself and meet your own needs. Awareness and understanding of your survival patterns can help you create stronger relationships and create your own set of values and goals.

How Do I Change My Anxious Attachment Style?

While it may not be possible to change the attachment patterns you developed as a child, you can learn how to feel safer and more secure in your romantic relationships. Self-awareness and conscious effort are a big part of this. Try the following steps:

Try to observe and become aware of your typical modes of interaction in relationships.
Identify the emotions underlying your insecurity and anxiety as well as your reactions to them.
Practice self-regulation strategies and work on controlling your impulses.
Practice mindfulness and meditation. This can help you control your impulses and reactions in a calm, thoughtful manner.
Contact an experienced relationship coach who can provide you with effective strategies for healing your childhood wounds.

Attend A Relationship Building Skills Workshop & Gain Awareness Of Your Attachment Patterns

At PIVOT, we understand how hard it can be to change learned behaviors and create more secure relationships. We want to provide you with resources and strategies for understanding your survival patterns and effectively managing difficult emotions. Our experience and expertise-based relational modules and tailored workshops for couples are designed to enable your healthy adult to emerge and repair the actions that are no longer serving you.

Remember that you can bring your highest self to consciousness and choose healthier mechanisms for creating connections in your life. The compassionate team at PIVOT will show you how to think rationally (THINK), develop emotional intelligence (FEEL) and take healthy action (DO) to improve your well-being and eliminate drama. Contact PIVOT now and start your journey to becoming a healthy adult!

Why Feeling “Not Enough” Is Impacting Your Relationship

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

Do find yourself thinking, “I’m not enough,” “feeling like I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worthy of love?”
Or do you feel that you work hard to be the best, but you should be more, do more or be better? Otherwise, you don’t measure up.
Maybe feeling not good enough triggered if your friend didn’t call when she said she would, or someone rejected your ideas or perhaps your relationship ended.
If this is you, then you may have childhood wounds that haven’t been healed.

Why Do I Feel Like I Am not Good Enough for Anyone?

As children, we are completely dependent on our parents and caregivers for food, safety, and boundaries. Most importantly, we want and need to feel loved and accepted by our primary caregivers.
Imagine a baby who’s desperate for attention, but his mother ignores him. Think about how impressionable that is for him. When babies and children don’t have a proper connection, they will crave this and grow up feeling that they are not enough.
For example, if this child was raised by a dysfunctional family, say with a narcissistic parent, then the child does not understand why that parent is not capable of empathy or love. Or an alcoholic parent who is sometimes available and other times is not able to function.
Children who live in these situations may try to fix the problem, by thinking “if I were a better child, my daddy wouldn’t drink.”
This leads them to feel that they need to be better and that somehow, they are not good enough as they are.
As they get older, they’ll continue to feel like they’re not enough, and in later years, they may turn to fixing others, food, alcohol, porn, relationships, or drugs to fill that void.
The good news is that there is hope for changing the negative self-talk of feeling like you’re unworthy or feeling insecure and not good enough.
But first, if you’re in a relationship, here are five signs that feeling this way is impacting your relationship:

Five Signs That Your Relationship Is Affected

If you rely on your partner to feel like you’re ‘enough’ — attractive enough, fun enough, smart enough, kind enough — then you’ll never be entirely happy. And it can impact your relationship because you look to your partner to fix this you.
Here are five signs that your “not good enough” thoughts are impacting your relationship:

1) You can’t totally trust your partner

Although you crave love, you may be experiencing trust issues that make you unwilling to attach to someone emotionally. If you don’t fully trust your partner, then it’s difficult to open up emotionally, which can stop your relationship from growing.
Trust issues typically come from past hurts or unhealthy family relationships during childhood.

2) You compare yourself to your partner’s ex

It’s natural to be curious about your partner’s ex. But if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to them or worrying you don’t measure up, then that’s a sign that your feeling of “not good enough” is taking over your relationship.
Remember, your partner chose you. They are not with their ex any longer.

3) You expect your partner to reassure you continually

Everyone wants some reassurance from their partner now and then. But if you constantly need them to validate you, their love or your relationship, then that’s a sign that negative thoughts are taking over your relationship.
This can lead to an increased fear of losing the relationship because you feel dependent on your partner as the “fix.”

4) There’s distance in your relationship

Being in a relationship is healthy when it provides the feeling of being loved, supported and emotionally close with your partner. Healthy relationships give your relationship an intimate connection for you both.
If you have trouble with building emotional intimacy and communicating, or you feel alone, and keep your partner at a distance, then this may be due to you feeling like you are not enough and therefore your relationship will not be healthy.

5) You assume the worst about your partner

No matter what happens, you assume the worst about your partner. If they haven’t answered their phone, it’s because they’re cheating. If they’re not with you, then they must be betraying you.
Feeling not good enough for a partner can make you believe that If they don’t say they love you all the time, then they’re “not into you.”
This changes the focus of your relationship for your partner to need to prove their feelings and their actions.

Am I Good Enough? Healing the Wounds

If you recognize any of the signs above, then just know that you’re not alone. Lots of people struggle with feeling not good enough for someone.
The good news is that you can heal yourself and experience self-acceptance so that you can have a healthy relationship.
As certified relationship coaches and therapists, we encourage our clients to not be hard on themselves. You are not “broken” or flawed.

Wave Your Insecurities Goodbye with PIVOT

The first step to overcoming insecurity is recognizing you feel this way. We recommend that you seek support from professionals to help you explore childhood abandonment issues and focus on healing your wounds with self-love and self-acceptance.
Remember, you are worthy of love, happiness, and a healthy relationship. You don’t need to look outside yourself for happiness and self-worth.
If you are ready to heal your feelings of not enough, then contact PIVOT. We can also help you if you’re struggling with depression, experiencing feelings of anxiety or need help overcoming codependency issues in your relationship.
Apart from individual and personalized solutions, we also provide intensive relationship coaching at our retreat center, The Glass House. We’re here to help.

Are You Repeating the Abandonment Cycle?

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

Healthy, loving relationships are a haven for love, happiness, joy, and security. But what if you find yourself moving from one relationship to another, or feel dissatisfied in your current relationship?
Maybe you’re asking what’s the point of being in a relationship, especially when it seems one-sided or too much like hard work.
Before you decide if relationships are for you or not, consider if you’re caught in a cycle of abandonment anxiety in the relationship. If so, there’s a solution.
But first…

What Is Abandonment?

Feelings of abandonment in a relationship are often thought of as being physically left. It also relates to emotional neglect, brought by not having our needs met in a relationship – including our relationship with ourselves.
But what is abandonment fear exactly and where does it originate? In a nutshell, abandonment feelings can start in our childhood because of the way we were raised. This is often referred to as the abandoned child syndrome.

What causes fear of abandonment?

As children, we are entirely dependent on our parents and caregivers for food, safety, love, and boundaries. Most importantly, we need to feel loved and accepted by both parents.
However, if you didn’t have your basic needs met because you were raised by a workaholic, alcoholic, divorced or absent parent, then you may have suffered neglect and abandonment trauma. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy in relationships, as well as a range of other issues, including severe anxiety symptoms and problems committing to a single partner.

How Does Abandonment Affect a Person?

A story about a recent client of mine perfectly illustrates abandonment issues in relationships.
He’d left his wife and children to pursue a relationship with an old high school crush; however, it didn’t end well.
The new relationship started by sending Facebook messages because he felt abandoned by his wife. This led to him “falling in love” and leaving his family. The hole he felt inside from untreated trauma, was in need of being fulfilled by the attention and feeling of belonging that a new relationship can give temporarily.
The relationship was brief. When it fell apart, he felt abandoned by the woman who he thought was his “soul mate.”
On a deeper level, after the relationship ended, he felt lost and destabilized. After all, he’d flipped his life around to be with this new woman, but once it ended, he still felt the same feelings he had before he started the new relationship… abandoned.
We discussed his childhood, and he revealed that his father left him when he was a little boy. He’d felt abandoned for decades.
Unfortunately, he unrealistically expected another person to heal his deep abandonment wound. When his wife couldn’t, he left her for a new relationship, hoping this would fix him.

The Abandonment Cycle

As adults that have experienced abandonment in childhood, we become scared of intimacy.
To deal with this, we create distance by avoiding being close to others (abandon relationships), or we get into a relationship with someone who avoids intimacy (and feel abandonment).
Either way, we distance ourselves from our partners, which leads to feeling unloved, hopeless or creates perceptions that you are not enough in the relationship. The strange thing about this is – it is familiar and we are drawn to what is familiar regardless of merit.

An endless cycle of fear

When the relationship ends, we feel alone and rejected, which creates more fears of abandonment and intimacy.
This creates a cycle of loneliness, fear of intimacy and abandonment.
If this sounds like the relationships you have, then you may also be experiencing anger, guilt, grief, fear, and shame.
The good news is that you can break the abandonment cycle.

Breaking the Abandonment Cycle

While healing abandonment issues is definitely not easy, it can be done with a bit of courage and a lot of patience. The best way to break the abandonment cycle and release the pattern from childhood is by exploring childhood issues and focus on healing your wounds. Remember, these wounds are deep and often remain hidden, so be patient.

Heal Your Abandonment Wounds with PIVOT

We recommend that you seek support from professionals to help you examine the abandonment pain so you can heal from the impact of the parenting you received.
Break the cycle by being a good parent to yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love, happiness, and a healthy relationship. You don’t need to look outside yourself for happiness and self-worth. You can attach to others securely, without feelings of abandonment, anxiety and depression.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and break the abandonment cycle, then contact PIVOT. Apart from our individual and personalized coaching that can effectively tackle issues such as abandonment anxiety and codependent relational behaviors, we also provide intensive workshops at our relationship coaching retreat, The Glass House. We’re here to help.