Category: Personal Growth

For some individuals, thinking about being in a relationship can activate feelings of wanting to run away. Why? Because they feel that the needs of a partner, family member, or employer are overwhelming.
Unfortunately, many individuals find themselves attracted to avoidant or ambivalent partners. This often leads to a series of unhealthy patterns which cause a great deal of pain for both sides in the relationship. If this is the case with you and your partner, consider love avoidance coaching or intensive workshops which can give you the tools and resources you need to heal your attachment wounds.
Read on to learn more about love avoidance and ambivalence.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is the inability and fear to show love. Individuals will carefully guard themselves when in relationships and avoid real intimacy… to protect themselves from rejection, loss and pain. Often they are not even aware of the behavior and it can be misunderstood as selfishness.
Unfortunately, denial and avoidance become habits, which keeps the individual from being seen, feeling connected and loved.
Paradoxically, the individual will often want more but will go outside the relationship to get what they want, because it feels safer. 
People with avoidance issues have difficulty trusting others and will distance themselves if a relationship feels too close. Experiences in early childhood are usually the cause of this, and they use avoidance to try to feel safe within an intimate relationship.

How Do You Know If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Do you think you or your partner have avoidance issues? That may be the case if you notice that you tend to be uncomfortable with intimacy in your relationship and have a way of escaping commitment when you start to feel stifled or suffocated. 
If you worry your partner is avoidant, you may want to look for signs such as: 

• Not returning your texts or calls
• Idealizing a past relationship
• Sending mixed signals
• Keeping secrets 
• Childish and sullen behavior
• Showing mistrust 
• Escaping commitment 

Of course, these are just some of the signs your partner may exhibit in your relationship. However, if you feel like most of these signs ring true, you may want to consider professional couple counseling or relationship therapy workshops. 

Do Avoidants Fall In Love?

Despite the name, love avoidants actually crave love and affection, just like everyone else. But because of their childhood wounds, they find it more difficult to face disappointment and betrayal than other people, so they tend to guard their feelings and do all they can to avoid being hurt in their relationships. They are not running away from love, they are running away from pain. 

Why Are Love Avoidants Attracted to Love Addicts?

Both love addicts and love avoidants often carry deeply ingrained fears and insecurities that stem from their childhood. On one hand, addicts crave affection and love that they rarely received from their parent or caregiver. Love avoidants, on the other hand, typically try to run from intimacy to avoid getting engulfed and hurt once again. 
While the relationship may work initially, it is bound to come with its own set of challenges. As the love addict showers the avoidant with love and affection, the avoidant will inevitably start to pull away. The distancing of the avoidant will lead the addict to seek even more reassurance and affection as proof of the avoidant’s love. This cycle often repeats itself. This is what many refer to as a love addicted tango.

How Do You Deal With A Love Avoidant?

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be extremely challenging, especially for a love addict. But despite the challenges, it is possible to create a deep connection with an avoidant, but only if they are willing to put in some effort, too. Here’s how you can improve your relationship with an avoidant partner: 

• Be patient and show your partner that they can trust you 
• Give your partner some space instead of chasing them 
• Keep in mind that their love avoidance is not your fault 
• Be understanding and dependable without overwhelming them
• Learn the differences between the wants and needs for the relationship between you and your partner 
• Recognize your own unhealthy survival patterns 
• Set healthy boundaries 
• Don’t neglect your own needs 

What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Another way attachment shows up is if the individual is unavailable for intimacy. This means they are caught up in feeling anxious and also at times avoidant. This is the type of person that communicates “come here – go away”. This is known as being Ambivalent. 
The coping strategies that are avoidant or ambivalent which people use relate to creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship, such as non-intimate sex, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol. 
Among all of the attachment styles, ambivalent attachment seems to be the most chaotic. This is because ambivalent attachment tends to come from a childhood in which the parent or caregiver was inconsistent in providing love and affection. 
A child who never knows when they will receive attention or love ends up being fearful of it but still craves it desperately. They never feel secure in a relationship and will live with a constant fear of abandonment and an intense need for validation. 

How Do You Know If You Have an Ambivalent Attachment Style?

Being ambivalent in your relationships or living with an ambivalent partner can be exhausting. If you’re worried that your partner has an ambivalent attachment style, look for the following traits: 

• Is your partner constantly critical or picky? 
• Do they have a history of short relationships? 
• Are they confused about what they want from the relationship? 
• Do they always seem distant or busy? 
• Are their actions unpredictable? 
• Are they hesitant to make long-term plans? 

If you never feel sure of what your partner feels or thinks, it’s likely that you feel lost and confused about the nature of your relationship. If that’s the case, it would probably be a good idea to seek expert help if you want to salvage the relationship and improve your mental health. 

Link Between Attachment Style And Depression

The Glass House helps avoidant and ambivalent individuals find their voice and use it. 
When the avoidant or ambivalent behavior is defined and understood, it becomes a starting point to treat the underlying causes that create love avoidance. If this isn’t treated, then it often leads to depression.
When an individual has difficulty deciding whether to leave a relationship, this indecisiveness can lead to a combination of feeling anxious and depressed. 

Why Is Attachment Important To Physical And Mental Health?

Avoidant and ambivalent attachment behaviors can significantly decrease the quality of your life, especially when it comes to your interpersonal relationships. In fact, the style of our attachment is a key factor in our physical and mental health. Here’s how: 

• The relationship with our caregivers will shape our intimate relationships. 
• Unhealthy attachment can result in difficulties with understanding our emotions.
• In turn, we may struggle with relating to the emotions of other people.
• Without healthy connections with others, we may struggle with anxiety and depression.
• Our attachment style can make it hard to bounce back from disappointment and failure. 

As you can see, your attachment style is a key factor in determining your personal relationships. Because of this, working on your attachment can be incredibly useful for improving your intimate relationships and overall wellbeing. 

What Causes Love Avoidance and Ambivalence?

Individuals need love and connection with others. However, if you have suffered from feelings of abandonment or loss as a child, then you are likely to have difficulty forming healthy attachments in adulthood, which can lead to avoidance or ambivalence. 
Avoidance or ambivalence can also occur from experiencing abuse or neglect as a child from parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches, bullies and friends. 
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Avoidance behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for.

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a number of characteristic behaviors, including: 

• Avoid intimacy in the relationship by creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship
• Craving independence at all costs
• Emotional withdrawal and bottling up emotions
• Avoid being known in the relationship
• Distance themselves from intimate contact to keep from feeling engulfed
• Over-controlling parenting when young
• Secretive behavior – hiding feelings
• Need to be seen and adored and then escape
• Refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem
• Tolerance for high-risk behavior
• Denial that there is a problem 

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Ambivalent Attachment

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Ambivalent behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

• They let other things outside of the relationship get in the way, i.e., hobbies, work, friends, lovers, addictions—anything.
• Typically, they had one anxious and one avoidant parent attachment style
• They have a “come here, go away” relational pattern
• Crave love and fear it
• Avoid intimacy by obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people
• They sexualize relationships such that emotional intimacy is non-existent and then become addicted to the sex or the relationship—often both.
• They become addicted through romantic affairs rather than committed relationships
• They struggle to open to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship.

Can Avoidance or Ambivalence Be Treated?

YES!
The first step starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about healing yourself and being committed to being able to attach securely by knowing what you want and need in a relationship based on your personal storyline and background.
The process includes dealing with feelings and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love. 
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you. 
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

How can you deal with ambivalent or avoidant attachment?

Coping with their attachment style is a long and stressful process for most people. This is because we’re often unaware of the exact issues that stem from our relationship with our caregiver in our early childhood and finding out exactly how much it has affected us can be both eye-opening and terrifying. 
The first step to overcoming your insecure attachment is to get acquainted with your past. Understanding exactly how you became the person you are now can help you accept and reconcile with your childhood experiences. 
This is best done through professional therapy and attending different workshops and programs designed to help you improve your relationships and your overall well being. But if you want to take some steps on your own, here’s what you should do: 

• Start by identifying your emotions and expressing your needs without fear. 
• Strive to be as authentic in your communication as possible. 
• Combat your shame and work on your self-esteem. 
• Try not to criticize yourself and accept your flaws. 
• Work on compromising and seeing your partner’s perspective. 

Of course, these are just some of the steps you can take to start on your path to recovery. In addition to these general coping techniques, you should also seek professional support if you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life. 

How To Overcome Insecure Attachment: Our Love Avoidance Intensive Workshops Can Help!

We provide support and healing for these individuals by providing a personal PIVOT coach or coming to The Glass House and taking a 5-day deep dive into the PIVOT process. We provide defining attachment styles, one on one sessions, group process and experiential therapies to encourage individuals to be seen, respected, and understood.
In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about the PIVOT process and our programs. We’re here to help.

• Do you mistake intensity for intimacy?
• Do you have to be in relationship to avoid feeling empty?
• Do you know you need help navigating relationships and not sure
  about what help to get?
• Do you feel like you are working harder in the relationship than your
  partner?
• Is the love ever enough?
• Do you find yourself confused instead of having clarity in your
  relationships?

If you can relate to some of these questions, you are among many people who suffer from what our behavioral health industry calls love addiction.  If you have an adverse reaction to that label, here’s why…
When I was 39 years old – I was sitting in an office – broken hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t sleep.  And, I wanted to die.
I was told that I suffered from something called love addiction.  From what I understood, love addiction was a proposed model of pathological passion-related behavior involving the feeling of being in love.
Well, it didn’t make ANY sense to me.  At the time, the relationships I was involved in did not feel loving.  What I felt was intensity from the desire of longing to be loved.  I was in the throes of the twisting and turning and chasing and pulling on relationships with the hopes of some kind of felt sense of belonging.
In relationships I used to be what I call a stage 5 cling on – I could not be alone – I had to be in a relationship all of the time.  I displayed a very anxious attachment style.  I took others hostage and boarded what I call Crazy Train – in hopes of traveling to a fantasyland of love.
So, when I was told I had this condition called love addiction what was the cure?  I was instructed to stay out of relationships, call myself a love addict, and magically stop connecting sexually to feel loved.  Don’t dare draw attention to myself and definitely pretty down.  I might as well have disappeared.  The loneliness from this prescription of what was supposed to be helpful was painful and now I definitely felt like I was going to die.
What I really always wanted was to love and be loved and now I can’t even do that because I am addicted to Love?  Very confusing.  So now, I didn’t get to love.  I didn’t deserve to love – instead, I was told I had to stay out of LOVE and was addicted to it.
What I know today is that it was not love that I was addicted to.  When I was calling someone’s cell phone 38 times in a row and driving by their house to make sure they were home and not lying to me was nowhere near being in a state of consciousness of love.  When one is in love – there is a reverence present – a level of respect that is honored and one is held in high regard. What I was in engaged in was drama driven relationships fueled by intensity (what does intensity feel like?), not intimacy.  I had no idea what love was.  The transparency, trust and a felt sense of belonging that love commands were foreign to me.  How could I be addicted to something I had never allowed myself to experience?  I had no self-esteem and I was addicted to chasing unavailable people.
I was in a state of consciousness called desire.  This desire created a constant craving and I was enslaved to this process and it ruled my every breath.  I would be thrown into withdrawal from the crazy relationships that I would choose on a regular basis.  It was never ever enough and life was always disappointing.
Let me break this down:
When I was 3 years old, my father, drowned.  We were there and it was tragic.  My mother dealt with my father’s death by using alcohol as a survival pattern so basically, my childhood was laced with abandonment.  This was the energy that fueled my relationships and formed how I would attach to others.  Translation: DON’T LEAVE ME.
When I was a teenager, my mother died from her own lack of self-care and alcoholism.  I rebelled and was a force to be reckoned with.  I came at life full force with guns a blazing.  My spirited adolescence energy stayed with me for a very long time.  I was emotionally immature and easily persuaded if you gave me a place to belong.
I lived with untreated trauma and a deep-rooted abandonment button that created this never-ending desire that burned deep in my soul.  The best way I can describe this feeling is unmet longing.
I desperately wanted a do-over – so I unconsciously sought out relationships that ignited this unmet longing and tried to prove to myself that I was enough by taking these relationships hostage in an honest attempt to get chosen and somehow belong and feel loved.
I was satisfied with crumbs and was constantly affected by unrealistic expectations of others. Managing and tolerating my feelings felt impossible at times. I had a pain body root of abandonment and it was activated on a daily basis.
When I was growing up after my Father’s death, my Mom was emotionally not available.  Every year there was one exception – my birthday.  On my birthday, my mom would greet me with a smile and a happy birthday kiss.  It was a day where I didn’t have to act out, throw a fit, and scream and cry to get attention.  Instead, I got the loving attention every kid deserves. I felt special. No matter how old I was, Savannah – the name I call the inner child in me — felt special.
Two things happened that day every year:
First, I got to pick the dinner which was steamed clams with melted butter.  I felt important over the fuss created in finding the fresh clams.
Second, was the beautiful cake my mom would bake for me.  From scratch.  My birthday is in December, a few weeks before Christmas and I always got an angel food cake with white frosting and candy canes and red gumdrops on top.  Candyland happened to be my favorite game as a child.
Every year, when she brought that cake to the table, Candyland came to life. My life felt joyous and loving–one of the rare moments I was not either on full alert or in complete despair.
Many years later when I was in my late 20’s, I met a caring man who was doing his best to show up for me.
One evening, shortly after we started dating, I opened up to him.  I told him about my mom and the birthday cake.  I hadn’t talked about the cake with anyone since my 17th birthday when she forgot to make the cake and then died 6 days later.
I described the angel food cake with candy canes and gumdrops on top and explained to this man that it was the one time I could count on my Mom to show up for me.  He listened and I felt safe being vulnerable with him about my past.  He told me about his own experiences with an alcoholic mother and we bonded in our trauma storylines.  So, we got engaged.
This pattern of opening up to another person early on in a relationship and then pinning huge expectations on that person to be responsible for my emotions was familiar.  At that moment, I had no idea that I was grooming him to recreate a pattern of pain from my childhood in hopes of that do-over.
Not much later after telling him that story, my birthday rolled around and we made plans to go out to dinner that night.  During the workday, I had received warm chocolate chip cookies with a birthday card delivered to my office by a bike messenger.  I felt special and looked forward to an evening of celebration.
Later that evening, he knocked on my door and was standing there with a pink cake box. The sensation running through my veins felt like a drug – and at that moment, the unmet longing hole was filled.  I was seen.  Subconsciously, Candyland, gumdrops, the perfect cake, the perfect man – all of it – the good memories, the felt sense of being seen created a warm sensation throughout my body.  It is moments in time like this for people that have unresolved trauma in our bodies where we want to freeze time and stay there longer.
I took the cake box from his hands, I opened the box with excitement and inside that pink box was a *^<#ing Carrot Cake.  I froze.  I could not think at that moment and my painbody wound was activated.
I can remember his smile vanishing as I went into full hostage taking, guns a blazing mode.  It’s like being in an emotional blackout only there are no drugs involved.  How could he not bring home the angel food cake with the candy canes and gumdrops?  Didn’t he hear me?  Doesn’t he see me?  Didn’t he understand?  The card and chocolate chip cookies were a distant memory…and this poor guy didn’t stand a chance.  He went to a bakery after work to get me a birthday cake–simple, thoughtful, and kind.  The idea of an emotional explosion over a carrot cake probably sounds silly to most of you.
When you get emotionally activated, you make it about something else because the unresolved trauma is pushed down so deep.  As Travis Meadows sings in his song Sideways – push it down it comes out sideways… and on that night – it sure came out sideways.  I ruined my own birthday and of course, blamed him for it.  This is the behavior that I was addicted to.  I was unconsciously causing drama to recreate the trauma to have a corrective experience.  I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that.  I didn’t know how to PIVOT when my pain got activated.  The end result is disconnected, and often failed relationships.
I’d like to emphasize something.
The simple act of becoming AWARE of the wounds and behaviors as they are
happening is an ENORMOUS first step.
So, as I just explained, I was not addicted to love.  I was addicted to the drama and the desire of the fight to find love.  Healthy, unconditional love is boring for those of you fighting the wrong fight in hopes of winning.
What I know is that people can and do change – AND you can learn to attach securely in relationships.  I know – because I have done just that.
Today I stand in front of you as a Healthy Adult who is not afraid to be vulnerable.  I am sensitive and I can name that.  I have learned to be responsible for my own emotions and choose connection over conflict.  I have learned to have good internal boundaries and how to manage my pain body when it is activated.
I now work with others to help them learn to PIVOT toward self-care and self-efficacy so that we can stop the violence and pain caused by wounded hearts.
For those of you who identify with what I am saying I want you to know – you are not crazy – you are simply riding what I call the Crazy Train and you can de-board.  You can learn how to be responsible for your emotions and stand in relational alignment…a term that I created which means when your mind thinks in alignment with how your heart feels and you have the courage to take healthy action with your feet, you have achieved a verticality that is honest, ethical, and authentic to who you are.
In closing, my invitation to the Behavioral Health Community is to stop using the term Love Addiction.  We need to stop shaming those who long for love by telling them they are addicted to it.  Let’s please stop using the term love addiction and call it attachment dysregulation.
If you find that you are suffering from attachment dysregulation and considering getting out of a relationship that feels addictive, there is help. I started PIVOT, a relational alignment group and have been training advocates which consists of therapists and coaches to help you transition out of unhealthy relationships and teach you what relationships are healthy for you based on who you are and where you come from.
If you are currently looking to end a relationship, I encourage you to consider taking the steps listed below:
1. Identify and evaluate the relationship from the Whole Perspective
At PIVOT, we use the Whole Perspective concept as a tool to look at a relationship foundation from more than just what is getting triggered emotionally.  It will eliminate fantasy and put you into reality quickly.  The Whole Perspective consists of five components; spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and financial.
2. Get the right support
If you are seeing a therapist, make sure they are skilled working with attachment and family of origin issues.  You may benefit from getting your own PIVOT advocate.  While you are gearing up for possible relational withdrawal, you will need support if you decide to pull the plug.
3. Observe the relationship
Learn to be a good observer.  Often we “think” we know what is going on as we evaluate a relationship while in emotional crisis.  If you are playing defense and defending your position in the relationship while in emotional pain, you cannot see reality.  I suggest that you get a notebook and at the start of every day BEFORE you engage with anyone, take a few minutes and write down what the relationship consisted of the previous day.  You will soon see your own patterns and get a really good idea of what is happening in your relationship.
4. Identify the Core – Wound
Work with a professional and find the reason why this pain is so deeply rooted.  If you experienced abandonment and neglect like in my story above – someone ending a relationship with you is going to be considerably harder.  You also may stay in relationship due to a codependent relationship with a mentally ill parent.  Your storyline is unique and you must understand what is going to activate your old wounds.
5. Create a self-care plan
How will you take care of yourself based on the Whole Perspective?  What do you need to prepare yourself for if you leave this relationship?  Are there any financial realities that need to be considered and managed?  Do you have a physical outlet to help with the anxiety and depression that may surface temporarily after the relationship is over?  What kind of spiritual guidance can help?  Are you able to take some time for yourself to begin to heal emotionally?  Any new intellectual interests you can engage in to give your mind something new to focus on?
6. Make a decision
If you followed these steps, you will be in a much better position to decide to stay or leave the relationship.  If you leave, it will sting and you will now have valuable information that can help continue to inform you that you made the right decision.  Remember this is not a straight line and there will be days when you will want to go back.  And, if you do decide to stay and give it another try, you will have a lot more information that may help you in couples counseling.
Remember that YOU have to take care of YOU.  When we allow others to be responsible for our emotions, we rob ourselves of emotional intelligence and personal growth and create a dependency that looks and feels like an addiction to others.  PIVOT toward yourself – heal your wounds – and then you can attach securely to others as a healthy adult!
By: Lori Jean Glass