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Vulnerability And Trust In Relationships: How To Let Your Guard Down

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

Being in a relationship means letting the other person in and allowing them to see you for who you truly are, insecurities and all. Unfortunately, not all of us find it easy to share our deepest feelings and thoughts. In fact, for many people, building trust in relationships is one of the hardest aspects of being in one.
Building emotional intimacy with your partner wouldn’t be possible unless you trust them and feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. Naturally, it can be difficult to trust someone who’s dealing with commitment issues but learning how to trust your partner is a must if you want the relationship to work.
Read on to learn how to let your guard down in a relationship and trust your partner.

Can You Be In Love With Someone And Not Trust Them?

We don’t choose who we love, that’s just the way it is. Even if you feel like you shouldn’t trust your partner for one reason or another, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have deep feelings for them. However, a relationship can hardly work unless both parties are willing to show trust. In fact, trust should be the cornerstone of any relationship. Without it, disappointments and conflicts in your relationship are bound to pile up, often reaching a breaking point if not addressed properly.

Why Trust Is Important In A Relationship

Lack of trust is one of the most common reasons for breakups. Unless both parties are willing to build their partnership on trust, it’s likely that they will encounter countless issues later on. Here’s why trust is essential:

It’s hard to feel comfortable around someone you can’t trust.
Mutual trust is necessary for overcoming relationship obstacles.
Trust issues can be a great source of anxiety and stress.
Trust enables you to be your true self around your partner.

Is Being Vulnerable A Weakness?

Being vulnerable is hard. We can never know how other people will treat us, and risking showing our true feelings and opening up our hearts just to end up hurt and disappointed is a frightening thought. But just because vulnerability is scary to most of us doesn’t mean that it’s a weakness. On the contrary, being vulnerable takes outstanding courage and is absolutely necessary for building meaningful relationships.
To be vulnerable means to truly feel and let our emotions show. If we approach vulnerability as a weakness, we do the same with our feelings, and our feelings are more than valid. Respecting and embracing our deepest feelings and letting them show is the only way to build genuine and lasting connections with other people. So, no, vulnerability is not a weakness – if anything, it’s a strength and a great one at that.

How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship

If you are struggling with being vulnerable in a relationship, know that you aren’t alone. Most of us have trouble letting our guard down and admitting that we’re insecure or afraid. Still, putting up a brave front will only distance you from your partner. Luckily, we can all change – it’s never too late to learn how to be more vulnerable.

Make Examining Your Feelings A Habit

Avoiding and suppressing emotions will only lead to deeper insecurities and distance you from your true self. Only if you make an effort to check in with yourself on a regular basis and clarify how you really feel will enable you to understand and accept who you really are.

Face Your Fears And Insecurities

Running away from your fears will do you no good. Instead, you should focus on precisely the thoughts and feelings that cause you distress. By reaching the parts of yourself that are buried deep, you’ll be able to integrate the negative and hurtful aspects of your personality and become more comfortable with vulnerability.

Share Your Thoughts And Passions

Just as you should face the dark parts of yourself, you should also freely speak about anything that makes you happy or that you’re passionate about. Even if you think that your wishes and goals may sound silly or stupid to some, open up anyways and let your partner see what actually moves you in life.

How Do You Know If You Can Trust Someone?

While learning how to show trust in a relationship is extremely important, that doesn’t mean that you should trust everybody. In the dating phase or early in a relationship, it can be hard to know if the other person is trustworthy or not. If you spot the following behaviors, you may want to reconsider the relationship:

They accuse you of behaviors they are guilty of. If your partner or love interest gets jealous for no reason and accuses you of being dishonest, they may be projecting their own flaws on you. They don’t trust themselves and, in turn, can’t trust anyone else.
They lack empathy. Untrustworthy people don’t care if they’ve hurt someone. And if they do feel guilty, they will rationalize their actions in all kinds of ways, trying to diminish the impact that their behavior has on other people.
They are fickle in decision-making. If you’re dating a person who’s volatile and inconsistent in their behavior, don’t be surprised if they turn out to be unfaithful or dishonest. Such individuals don’t seem to know what they want and tend to be untrustworthy.
They share other people’s secrets. This one applies to both romantic relationships and friendships. If they gossip and talk about things that were said to them in confidence, rest assured that they will do the same to you too.
They lie even to themselves. If you notice that the person you’re with sees themselves in a way that’s wildly inconsistent with how other people see them, you may want to pass on the relationship. This means that they don’t want to face the painful truth about themselves so they create their own reality.

The PIVOT Process: Positive Change Is Possible

If you’re struggling with trust in your relationships, know that things can always change for the better. Learning to trust is a choice – it may take some time and considerable effort, but the results will undoubtedly be worth it. Close relationships are built on trust and overcoming your trust issues is the only way to connect to your partner on a deeper level.
Sometimes, we all need a helping hand when it comes to our relationship struggles. With guidance from PIVOT Advocates, you can work your way towards healthier relationships and a greater understanding of both your partner and yourself.
At PIVOT, we provide help to individuals struggling with a wide variety of problems, including trust issues, low self-esteem, or codependency problems in relationships. We offer effective relationship coaching for individuals and couples, as well as intensive relationship workshops and 5-day retreats at the Glass House. Contact us today!

Restoring A Relationship After A Breakup

Posted on January 10, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a relationship is to break up. Breakup is a harsh term for some, however, it is the universal term people use to describe ending a relationship. Still, splitting up with someone doesn’t have to be forever. Many couples figure out that they still want to be together and work on improving their relationship after the break.
Saving a relationship after a breakup is no easy task, especially if you and your partner are trying to resolve issues such as emotional withholding and silent treatment. Luckily, most relationships can be changed for the better with a bit of time and effort, as well as through effective couples relationship coaching. Additionally, you may find the support you need to fix the relationship in an intensive problems and solutions retreat.
Read on to learn how you can save your relationship after splitting up and rebuild trust with your partner.

Can A Relationship Work After A Break?

If you’re thinking about getting back together after a break in your relationship, you may be wondering if it’s even possible to make it work after everything that’s happened.
Naturally, reconciliation after a breakup isn’t always possible. Sometimes, staying in the relationship simply isn’t healthy – you may be dealing with codependency or have trouble with people-pleasing tendencies that put you in an unfavorable position in the relationship.
Nevertheless, many relationships can be saved if both parties work together to fix their issues in a healthy way. For instance, issues such as a lack of intimacy or poor communication between partners can be resolved with the right approach and a lot of patience.

How Long After A Breakup Should You Wait To Get Back Together?

Overcoming relationship challenges can be a difficult and lengthy process. While there are no rules when it comes to the right time to reconcile with your ex partner, you shouldn’t rush yourself if you feel like the problem hasn’t been resolved. Before you try and make things work once again, make sure that you know exactly what you want from the relationship and that your partner is on the same page.

How Do You Rebuild A Relationship After A Breakup?

Getting back together after a break can be tough, but it’s certainly not impossible. Here’s what you can do to try and make the relationship work.

1. Make Sure Both Parties Are On The Same Page

Reconciliation won’t be possible unless both you and your partner are willing to put in substantial time and effort into rekindling the relationship. If one of you is less enthusiastic than the other, it’s likely that you’ll encounter the same problems all over again. Both individuals need to be willing to invest the necessary time and effort to rebuild the relationship.

2. Communication Is Key

If you want your relationship to be healthy and successful, you will have to be ready to talk to your partner honestly and without judgment. Good communication is a prerequisite for a happy relationship, so make sure to speak with and listen to your partner on a regular basis. This can be challenging with a history of one or both of you not feeling comfortable using your voice when you are hurt or angry. Silence can be deadly to relationships.

3. Figure Out Why The Breakup Happened.

Once you and your partner are on the same page and able to communicate openly, try to work together to determine the main reasons why your relationship didn’t work the first time. Just be aware that this isn’t about anger and blame but about gaining a deeper understanding of your issues.

4. Take It Slow And Be Patient

Your relationship can’t be rebuilt overnight. While you may be tempted to ignore the underlying problems in your relationship if you feel like you and your partner are doing better, sometimes it’s better to start things over, step by step, and get to know your partner once again.

5. Experiment And Embrace Change

It’s often necessary to make a few changes after a breakup in order to reinvent the relationship. Don’t be afraid to shake things up and share new experiences with your partner. By having fun and enjoying some quality time together, you’ll see what made your relationship special to begin with.

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Building trust in a relationship is hard enough as it is. Rebuilding it after a breakup can be even tougher, especially if the reason for splitting up was infidelity. Still, it can be done if both you and your partner are ready to commit to making the relationship better but overcoming trust issues will definitely take some time. The WHY behind the infidelity needs to be revealed and understood by both individuals.

How Long Does The Pain Of Betrayal Last?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question since people deal with emotional betrayal in different ways. You may be able to forgive your partner in a couple of months or you might need significantly longer than that to learn how to let your guard down once again.

How Do You Heal From The Pain Of Betrayal?

Either way, overcoming emotional betrayal will surely require a lot of patience and determination from both parties in the relationship. In order to learn to trust your partner again, you may need to:

Control your emotions and keep anger outbursts in check.
Learn how to forgive your partner and try not to mention the betrayal in every fight.
Refrain from blaming yourself and feeling resentful towards your partner.
Learn how to care for yourself and put your needs first.
Be honest with yourself about where the relationship is going.

How Do You Regain Trust After A Breakup?

If you’ve decided to give your partner a second chance, you need to be ready to put in some effort. Here’s how to how to build trust back in a relationship after breaking up:

Learn how to trust yourself before you learn how to trust your partner. If your partner has cheated, you need to learn when to trust your instincts. Of course, you shouldn’t suspect that your partner is cheating again every time you get into a fight.
Try to keep a positive outlook. Emotional betrayals are difficult and painful, but that doesn’t mean that everything needs to be negative. Try focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship instead of dwelling on past issues all the time.
Don’t look back too much. If you keep returning to the details of the betrayal every single day, you may diminish the chances of your relationship’s recovery. Instead, try focusing on the future and how you and your partner can work together to fix the relationship.

Does Coaching Help After A Breakup?

Reaching out to dating and relationship experts can be of immense benefit to your mental health and wellbeing after a breakup. Here’s how attending a couples workshop after a breakup can help:

You will understand and accept your grief. Sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings can help you overcome your sadness and prepare you to date again when the time comes.
A relationship coach may motivate you to change. If you talk with an expert, you may find all the tools and resources you need to overcome your relationship challenges by finding effective and healthy solutions.
Your healing process will have structure. Breakups can be messy. If you feel lost, professional help may be crucial for finding balance and focus again after heartbreak.

Have A Fresh Start With #1 Couples Relationship Coaching

If you find yourself wondering if there is a way to rekindle a broken relationship and can’t seem to come up with a satisfactory answer, reaching out to professionals may be the best course of action. Fixing a broken relationship is hard and if you can’t do it yourself, why not let PIVOT Advocates help?
At PIVOT, we specialize in helping both individuals and couples with their relationships, allowing them to move forward without fear, anger, and resentment. In addition to providing effective individual and relationship coaching, you can also fix your relationship by attending our short-term intensive workshop at The Glass House where you can transform your relationships through our intensive workshops.
Reach out to us today!

Modern Dating… How to Find Fulfilling Relationships

Posted on January 6, 2020 by Lori Jean Glass

The world of dating has changed so much. Now we have online dating, dating apps, and speed dating; it can be challenging to sift through the modern dating ways to find a fulfilling relationship.
Dating, whether it’s done with modern methods or the old-fashioned approach, is still a great way to get to know someone to see if you’re a good fit together.

What Are The Rules Of Dating?

Read our list of how to negotiate the modern dating methods to find your fulfilling relationship. Here’s how to navigate modern dating etiquette with ease:

1. Spend time healing from past relationships

Make sure you’ve healed from past relationships or unresolved childhood trauma. Before you focus on dating, make sure you have dealt with your emotional issues… otherwise, you bring these issues into the relationship.
Nothing is more damaging than trying to build a relationship when you are feeling broken. Take time out before you jump into dating again, invest in yourself, nurture yourself and grow.

2. Don’t rely on dating profiles

Dating profiles are helpful, but remember, they don’t represent everything about the person.
Dating profiles include the information you choose to reveal about yourself and vice versa. In some cases, the profiles are too generic to differentiate you from someone else.
Use dating profiles to filter the people you want to see, rather than rely on them to “get to know the person.”
After all, you need to meet and talk to the person to see if there can be a potential connection.

3. Be authentic

In the world of modern dating, it can be difficult to be you. It’s natural to have your guard up. However, if you are not yourself, then you will not progress your relationship as your date will miss out on knowing the real you.
The first step to growing a fulfilling relationship is to be your true self and accept your authenticity in all its imperfections. This means you will know who you are and what makes you happy.
Of course, this goes both ways. Both you and your date need to accept one another… faults and all, so that you can build a foundation for your relationship.

4. Don’t wait to make contact after the date(s)

The old rules of the man making the first move or waiting for a set number of days after the date to call you has changed.
In these modern dating times, there are no rules for when or who should make contact after the date.
If you want to say you had a great time, or invite your date out again, then do so. Don’t hold back or play games.
With the various communication modes available, there is no excuse not to make contact. Don’t let them think you are not interested.
Communication is an important pillar of a relationship so you should communicate openly and honestly right from the beginning.

5. Be prepared for your date to be dating (many) others

Now with a vast range of online dating and dating apps, it means that your date is probably dating more than one person at a time. If this is uncomfortable for you, then it’s time to get mentally prepared.
With technology changing the modern dating scene, it has opened the possibility of “connecting”, “liking” and “dating” many people at once.
It can be challenging, especially if you are used to dating only one person at a time. However, many people use this dating method to filter through people and then choose who they want to be exclusive with.
The best way to deal with this is to be prepared… emotionally and mentally. And never feel pressured to “stand out” from others. Remember, you are unique and special.
If you are dating someone that you want to get to know better, then let them know you want to be exclusive.

6. Take things slow

Although it’s widely accepted in these modern dating times that people sleep together on the first date, it’s worth waiting to get to know someone first. Especially if either of you are dating several people at once.
Taking things slower helps to build a real connection first instead of just having a physical connection.

7. Ghosting… don’t do it

No matter whether it is the old dating or modern methods, people are still challenged by confrontation.
This means ghosting (when someone seemingly disappears into thin air without communicating… no texts, no calls, no messages) has become more prevalent.
If you are dating someone and you know it is unlikely to go further, then it is always best to be upfront, honest and tell them you are not interested.
Even though this is a difficult thing to say, at least you are respecting them enough to end the relationship, rather than leave them wondering.
On the other hand, if someone you have been seeing suddenly stops communicating with you, then respect yourself and move on. Set your boundaries and don’t hang on waiting for them.

8. Choose the right person

The key to having a fulfilling relationship comes down to who you select to be your partner.
Selecting the right person can be less challenging if you have a criterion for what you are looking for in a partner.
Think about what is important to you and what you can’t compromise on. This may include:

Considerate
Kind
Loving
Respectful
Attractive
Fun
Genuine
Communicate easily

Don’t place all the emphasis on attraction, because if you don’t trust, accept, or respect them, then the relationship will struggle.

Dating Rules And The Modern Dating Scene

In summary, although dating has changed, the critical thing is to be open, be yourself and be ready for a relationship.
We recommend trying these methods in your modern dating approach to see what difference it makes in building a fulfilling relationship.

How PIVOT Can Help

If you would like more advice on healthy dating, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help. As your dating coach, our PIVOT Advocate will help you reveal and break unconscious patterns you fall into that keep you from having a happy and healthy relationship.
Apart from one-on-one sessions with a PIVOT Advocate, we offer 5-day intensives at our private retreat The Glass House, where our PIVOT coaches will determine your attachment style, pinpointing your unhealthy relationship patterns and choices and instigating behavior change. Contact us to learn more about the PIVOT process.

What Is Attachment Dysregulation? (Formerly Known As Love Addiction)

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

If you’ve ever felt like the world was coming to an end, depressed or in despair when you’ve let go of a relationship, then you may have experienced withdrawal, or what the Behavioral Health industry has been calling “Love Addiction.”
In the PIVOT Process, we define this as Attachment Dysregulation, to highlight the severity of the condition.

What Is Attachment Dysregulation (Formerly Known As Love Addiction)?

Attachment Dysregulation is a condition that is typically created by adopting survival patterns to tolerate feelings of abandonment or neglect.

What Causes Attachment Issues?

Often individuals that have Attachment Dysregulation have experienced unresolved abandonment and neglect in childhood. This leads them to be challenged with attachment wounds and can make them feel lonely, empty, and lifeless.
The result?
When in a relationship, the default behavior is to cling to another person because of a deep fear of abandonment and neglect. Until the attachment wounds have been treated.

What Are The Most Common Attachment Styles?

There are several ways that our relationship with our caregivers in childhood can affect our adult life. As kids, we tend to manifest the following four attachment styles:

Secure: this style of attachment is considered to be the healthiest. It comes about when parents give their children sufficient care, protection, and emotional support.
Anxious-ambivalent: this attachment occurs as a result of unpredictable parenting. The child is in distress when the caregiver is gone and ambivalent when they return.
Anxious-avoidant: kids with an avoidant style tend to ignore their caregiver and show little emotion. It occurs as a result of a neglectful or unresponsive parenting style.
Disorganized: a child that exhibits disorganized attachment shows no clear attachment behaviors.

How Attachment Disruption Leads To Dysregulation

A secure attachment can become disrupted for a great number of reasons, leading to a series of difficulties for the child later on in their life. A child with attachment wounds is likely to experience issues with forming and maintaining relationships in adulthood.
For example, an adult with attachment issues may struggle with expressing their emotions to their partner and communicating with them in a healthy way. Bottling up emotions and withdrawing emotionally can take a great toll on any relationship and cause great distress for both parties.

The dangers of traumatic attachment and affect dysregulation

There are many ways in which childhood trauma can affect your adult relationships. Our attachment style is, in fact, one of the most important factors that influence our ability to form and maintain healthy intimate relationships. Some of the most common attachment dysregulation patterns we see are:

If we’re rejected or neglected by our parents when we’re young, we may develop a tendency to avoid commitment, keep our partners at a distance, and show little genuine emotion for fear of being rejected once again.
If we’re hurt or abused by our caregivers, we can develop an attachment style where we struggle to trust our partner, fear abandonment and rejection and have trouble showing our emotions freely.
If our parents are inconsistent in tending to our needs, we tend to be clingy in our relationship, crave lots of attention and intimacy and be paranoid about the relationship falling apart.

How Do You Know If You Have Fear of Abandonment?

If you feel overwhelmed that your partner will leave you, it may be the case that you have a deeply rooted fear of abandonment that is a result of a traumatic emotional experience from your childhood. But how do you know for sure that that’s the case? Look out for these signs:

Are you sensitive to criticism?
Do you have trouble trusting your partner?
Do you find it hard to make friends?
Have your relationships been predominantly unhealthy?
Do you get attached quickly, but also move on quite soon?
Do you blame yourself for anything that goes wrong?
Do you do everything in your power to please your partner?
Do you tend to stay in the relationship even though you know it’s not healthy?

If these sound familiar, it’s very likely that you’re struggling with fear of abandonment that probably comes from emotional abandonment you experienced when you were a child.

How Do You Know If You Have Attachment Issues?

Individuals who have unresolved childhood abandoned issues are in a destabilizing position – they feel anxious and depressed. In most cases, they are unable to show up for commitments, work, and family.
This anxiety and depression lead to feeling relationally challenged with people and when relationships don’t work or end, they experience relational withdrawal.
Anxiety can create a pattern of addictive relationships and result in Attachment Dysregulation (formerly known as love addiction) and codependency.
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Attachment Dysregulation, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

Most Common Signs And Characteristics Of Attachment Dysregulation:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Unrealistic expectations of others in relationships
Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Hidden pain or denial
Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Need for positive regard
Tolerance for high-risk behavior
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
Using others, sex and relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
Confusion of sexual attraction with love at first sight
Trading sexual activity for “love” or attachment
Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal disintegration
Existence of a secret “double life”
Refusal to acknowledge the presence of a problem
Leaving one relationship for another and the inability to be without a relationship

If you’ve gone through any of the situations described when your relationship ends, then you may experience withdrawal symptoms of Attachment Dysregulation such as:

Common Withdrawal Symptoms Of Attachment Dysregulation:

Difficulty focusing
Depression
Anxiety
Having a hard time with a spiritual connection
Spending money that you don’t have
Not able to show up for other relationships
Unmet longing
Missing deadlines at work
Fear
Panic
Nausea
Upset stomach
Dramatic changes in weight
Insomnia
Obsessive thinking
Rage
Loneliness
Irrational thinking
Irritability
Extreme grief
Restlessness
Anger
Nightmares
Fatigue
Inability to concentrate
Emotional instability
Inability to care for yourself or others such as children
Suicidal thoughts
Denial
Despair

What does withdrawal from love addiction look like?

For a person experiencing attachment dysregulation, a withdrawal from a relationship looks a lot like recovering from any other addiction. It’s a highly emotional and stressful experience that may leave serious consequences without effective relationship addiction counseling and other forms of care.
The recovery process tends to be long and tedious, with a number of intense highs and lows. What’s more, the experience of emotional dysregulation attachment can sometimes include physical symptoms such as vomiting and stomach aches, as well as extreme psychological symptoms like severe depression, anxiety, and distress.

What To Do If You Experience Attachment Dysregulation
(Formerly Known As Love Addiction)?

If you think you are in withdrawal from love addiction, you must give yourself time to heal.
The good news is you’re not stuck with this forever. You can heal and create secure attachments in the future.

How To Deal With Love Withdrawal

Recovery starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about getting the right help and being motivated and accountable to the process.
Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love and have a different outcome…
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

Freedom From Love Addiction: How We Can Help

At the Glass House, located in Northern California, we offer a 5 day retreat program, which is designed to repair and restore relational challenges and heal old attachment wounds. For those of you who are unable to visit the Glass House, we also offer remote, one on one relationship coaching with a certified PIVOT advocate. We’re here to help!

What Is Avoidance / Ambivalence Attachment?

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

For some individuals, thinking about being in a relationship can activate feelings of wanting to run away. Why? Because they feel that the needs of a partner, family member, or employer are overwhelming.
Unfortunately, many individuals find themselves attracted to avoidant or ambivalent partners. This often leads to a series of unhealthy patterns which cause a great deal of pain for both sides in the relationship. If this is the case with you and your partner, consider love avoidance coaching or intensive workshops which can give you the tools and resources you need to heal your attachment wounds.
Read on to learn more about love avoidance and ambivalence.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is the inability and fear to show love. Individuals will carefully guard themselves when in relationships and avoid real intimacy… to protect themselves from rejection, loss and pain. Often they are not even aware of the behavior and it can be misunderstood as selfishness.
Unfortunately, denial and avoidance become habits, which keeps the individual from being seen, feeling connected and loved.
Paradoxically, the individual will often want more but will go outside the relationship to get what they want, because it feels safer.
People with avoidance issues have difficulty trusting others and will distance themselves if a relationship feels too close. Experiences in early childhood are usually the cause of this, and they use avoidance to try to feel safe within an intimate relationship.

How Do You Know If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Do you think you or your partner have avoidance issues? That may be the case if you notice that you tend to be uncomfortable with intimacy in your relationship and have a way of escaping commitment when you start to feel stifled or suffocated.
If you worry your partner is avoidant, you may want to look for signs such as:

Not returning your texts or calls
Idealizing a past relationship
Sending mixed signals
Keeping secrets
Childish and sullen behavior
Showing mistrust
Escaping commitment

Of course, these are just some of the signs your partner may exhibit in your relationship. However, if you feel like most of these signs ring true, you may want to consider professional couple counseling or relationship therapy workshops.

Do Avoidants Fall In Love?

Despite the name, love avoidants actually crave love and affection, just like everyone else. But because of their childhood wounds, they find it more difficult to face disappointment and betrayal than other people, so they tend to guard their feelings and do all they can to avoid being hurt in their relationships. They are not running away from love, they are running away from pain.

Why Are Love Avoidants Attracted to Love Addicts?

Both love addicts and love avoidants often carry deeply ingrained fears and insecurities that stem from their childhood. On one hand, addicts crave affection and love that they rarely received from their parent or caregiver. Love avoidants, on the other hand, typically try to run from intimacy to avoid getting engulfed and hurt once again.
While the relationship may work initially, it is bound to come with its own set of challenges. As the love addict showers the avoidant with love and affection, the avoidant will inevitably start to pull away. The distancing of the avoidant will lead the addict to seek even more reassurance and affection as proof of the avoidant’s love. This cycle often repeats itself. This is what many refer to as a love addicted tango.

How Do You Deal With A Love Avoidant?

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be extremely challenging, especially for a love addict. But despite the challenges, it is possible to create a deep connection with an avoidant, but only if they are willing to put in some effort, too. Here’s how you can improve your relationship with an avoidant partner:

Be patient and show your partner that they can trust you
Give your partner some space instead of chasing them
Keep in mind that their love avoidance is not your fault
Be understanding and dependable without overwhelming them
Learn the differences between the wants and needs for the relationship between you and your partner
Recognize your own unhealthy survival patterns
Set healthy boundaries
Don’t neglect your own needs

What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Another way attachment shows up is if the individual is unavailable for intimacy. This means they are caught up in feeling anxious and also at times avoidant. This is the type of person that communicates “come here – go away”. This is known as being Ambivalent.
The coping strategies that are avoidant or ambivalent which people use relate to creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship, such as non-intimate sex, work, shopping, drugs and alcohol.
Among all of the attachment styles, ambivalent attachment seems to be the most chaotic. This is because ambivalent attachment tends to come from a childhood in which the parent or caregiver was inconsistent in providing love and affection.
A child who never knows when they will receive attention or love ends up being fearful of it but still craves it desperately. They never feel secure in a relationship and will live with a constant fear of abandonment and an intense need for validation.

How Do You Know If You Have an Ambivalent Attachment Style?

Being ambivalent in your relationships or living with an ambivalent partner can be exhausting. If you’re worried that your partner has an ambivalent attachment style, look for the following traits:

Is your partner constantly critical or picky?
Do they have a history of short relationships?
Are they confused about what they want from the relationship?
Do they always seem distant or busy?
Are their actions unpredictable?
Are they hesitant to make long-term plans?

If you never feel sure of what your partner feels or thinks, it’s likely that you feel lost and confused about the nature of your relationship. If that’s the case, it would probably be a good idea to seek expert help if you want to salvage the relationship and improve your mental health.

Link Between Attachment Style And Depression

The Glass House helps avoidant and ambivalent individuals find their voice and use it.
When the avoidant or ambivalent behavior is defined and understood, it becomes a starting point to treat the underlying causes that create love avoidance. If this isn’t treated, then it often leads to depression.
When an individual has difficulty deciding whether to leave a relationship, this indecisiveness can lead to a combination of feeling anxious and depressed.

Why Is Attachment Important To Physical And Mental Health?

Avoidant and ambivalent attachment behaviors can significantly decrease the quality of your life, especially when it comes to your interpersonal relationships. In fact, the style of our attachment is a key factor in our physical and mental health. Here’s how:

The relationship with our caregivers will shape our intimate relationships.
Unhealthy attachment can result in difficulties with understanding our emotions.
In turn, we may struggle with relating to the emotions of other people.
Without healthy connections with others, we may struggle with anxiety and depression.
Our attachment style can make it hard to bounce back from disappointment and failure.

As you can see, your attachment style is a key factor in determining your personal relationships. Because of this, working on your attachment can be incredibly useful for improving your intimate relationships and overall wellbeing.

What Causes Love Avoidance and Ambivalence?

Individuals need love and connection with others. However, if you have suffered from feelings of abandonment or loss as a child, then you are likely to have difficulty forming healthy attachments in adulthood, which can lead to avoidance or ambivalence.
Avoidance or ambivalence can also occur from experiencing abuse or neglect as a child from parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, coaches, bullies and friends.
If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Avoidance behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for.

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a number of characteristic behaviors, including:

Avoid intimacy in the relationship by creating an intensity in other activities outside the relationship
Craving independence at all costs
Emotional withdrawal and bottling up emotions
Avoid being known in the relationship
Distance themselves from intimate contact to keep from feeling engulfed
Over-controlling parenting when young
Secretive behavior – hiding feelings
Need to be seen and adored and then escape
Refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem
Tolerance for high-risk behavior
Denial that there is a problem

Most Common Characteristics And Signs Of Ambivalent Attachment

If you’re wondering if you or a loved one has Ambivalent behaviors, here are the most common signs and characteristics to look for:

They let other things outside of the relationship get in the way, i.e., hobbies, work, friends, lovers, addictions—anything.
Typically, they had one anxious and one avoidant parent attachment style
They have a “come here, go away” relational pattern
Crave love and fear it
Avoid intimacy by obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people
They sexualize relationships such that emotional intimacy is non-existent and then become addicted to the sex or the relationship—often both.
They become addicted through romantic affairs rather than committed relationships
They struggle to open to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship.

Can Avoidance or Ambivalence Be Treated?

YES!
The first step starts with being aware of and recognizing the symptoms. It is about healing yourself and being committed to being able to attach securely by knowing what you want and need in a relationship based on your personal storyline and background.
The process includes dealing with feelings and healing from past wounds. Healing allows you to reconnect to yourself with self-compassion and self-love.
We recommend that you seek support from professionals and talk about the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.

How can you deal with ambivalent or avoidant attachment?

Coping with their attachment style is a long and stressful process for most people. This is because we’re often unaware of the exact issues that stem from our relationship with our caregiver in our early childhood and finding out exactly how much it has affected us can be both eye-opening and terrifying.
The first step to overcoming your insecure attachment is to get acquainted with your past. Understanding exactly how you became the person you are now can help you accept and reconcile with your childhood experiences.
This is best done through professional therapy and attending different workshops and programs designed to help you improve your relationships and your overall well being. But if you want to take some steps on your own, here’s what you should do:

Start by identifying your emotions and expressing your needs without fear.
Strive to be as authentic in your communication as possible.
Combat your shame and work on your self-esteem.
Try not to criticize yourself and accept your flaws.
Work on compromising and seeing your partner’s perspective.

Of course, these are just some of the steps you can take to start on your path to recovery. In addition to these general coping techniques, you should also seek professional support if you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life.

How To Overcome Insecure Attachment: Our Love Avoidance Intensive Workshops Can Help!

We provide support and healing for these individuals by providing a personal PIVOT coach or coming to The Glass House and taking a 5-day deep dive into the PIVOT process. We provide defining attachment styles, one on one sessions, group process and experiential therapies to encourage individuals to be seen, respected, and understood.
In addition, we offer intensive programs designed to repair and restore relational challenges. Learn more about the PIVOT process and our programs. We’re here to help.

How To Effectively Communicate With Your Partner?

Posted on December 27, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Communication is one of the core building blocks of a healthy relationship and both partners need to understand the importance of communication in relationships if they intend to make their relationship last. A budding romantic relationship is not likely to last beyond the honeymoon phase if partners are unable to express their feelings openly and communicate with each other effectively.
If you’re in seventh heaven, you may not notice the little red flags. But rest assured that being unable to communicate with your partner is one of them. Don’t attempt to sweep these things under the rug. Be honest to yourself and to your partner and work on your communication and intimacy issues instead of ignoring them.

Why Communication Is Important In A Relationship

Every relationship is a two-way street and it takes two people to make it work. Sometimes, establishing healthy communication and building a healthy relationship comes easy. Other times, it’s a struggle that takes time and patience, especially if you feel you may be stuck in a codependent relationship.
Many couples do not know how to fix communication in a relationship as much as they want to. They cannot see eye to eye, especially in the heat of an argument, which may lead to further issues that they could easily overcome.

The Common Communication Pitfalls In A Relationship

Couples tend to make certain universal mistakes that are preventing them from communicating effectively:

Texting instead of talking face to face: communication in writing may lead to misinterpretation.
Using the accusatory tone and attacking the partner using ‘you’ language. (e.g.: You need to do this if you want our relationship to work; You never listen, etc.)
Resorting to universal, generalizing statements with words used for emphasis such as never, always, every time, everyone, so, such etc. (e.g. You never remember to do what I ask; You’re so selfish; You let me down every time; etc.). Commenting on your partner’s personality instead of their behavior. (e.g.: You’re dumb instead of You’re smart but you did not think through what you did last night)
Demeaning behavior such as invalidating your partner’s feelings. (e.g.: You’re overreacting; You’re being unreasonable; You’re acting irrational, etc.)

Lack Of Communication In A Relationship: A Challenge To Overcome

If one’s partner idea of achieving a set goal is to give the other partner the silent treatment and rely on a passive-aggressive approach instead of communicating their feelings openly, it could be a sign that the relationship is heading nowhere. Any communication breakdown in a relationship is a challenge the couple needs to work on overcoming effectively.

Can A Relationship Survive Without Communication?

Chances are we all know couples in long yet dysfunctional relationships which suffer from chronic lack of communication. Chances are these relationships cannot survive. The resulting toxicity will take its toll eventually unless the partners are aware of the problem and take action to resolve it.
You also need to openly discuss your old relationship patterns such as being avoidant or secretive, and being anxious and/or controlling, so they would not affect your current relationship.

How Can Couples Communicate Better?

There are various effective strategies that you and your partner can employ to foster communication. Better communication equals a stronger relationship. Try the following:

Create a set of rules for your relationship. Communicating your priorities to each other can be an eye-opening experience.
Apologize to your partner when an apology is in order. Do not hold a grudge and risk deepening a conflict. Likewise, request an apology if you feel you’re entitled to one.
Take responsibility for your feelings and do not expect your partner to read your mind.
Proceed with caution during an argument: remember that words, like actions, have consequences.
Be mindful of your body language. Listen to your partner, be attentive and respectful.
Schedule a time to discuss important matters when it’s most convenient for both of you. When emotions are running high, you run the risk of exacerbating a communication breakdown.
Take the time to think before you act. If something your partner did made you upset, give it some time before approaching them about it. Experts suggest following the 48-hour rule which should be enough for the matter to blow over or at least for you to cool your head.
Go off grid: make a plan to say no to technology when you’re spending quality time together, at least for a weekend, and stick to it.
Learn to negotiate things with your partner.
Focus on yourself. You are not responsible to manage your partner’s emotions but solely your own. The partners’ emotional maturity is pivotal to the success of a relationship.
Show respect and kindness even if your partner is refusing to reciprocate.
Do not take things personally. Your partner may be having a bad day or having difficulty expressing their thoughts.
Be open to your partner’s attempts to make things work. Anger and frustration could prevent you from meeting them halfway, which you may regret later on.
Be open-minded. Your partner may have an alternative point of view that differs from your own considerably. Be flexible and show willingness to reach a compromise.
A couple that laughs together stays together. Add some humor to lighten the atmosphere.
Steer clear of excessive negativity and criticism. It’s all too easy for things to get out of hand and for you to say things you’ll end up regretting when you’re upset. Remember to state positive comments that will show your partner how much you respect and appreciate them.
Focus on one thing at a time. If you’re upset that your partner forgot about the plans you made weeks ago, stick to the topic and do not mention any other unresolved issues.

What Is Healthy Communication In Relationships?

If you and your partner are in it for the long run, you have to build a healthy relationship foundation. Whether you’ve been together for some time or you’re just starting a new relationship, healthy communication is key.
Healthy communication in a relationship means that partners are honest and open to each other. They are not afraid to speak their mind and discuss what’s bothering them without feeling guilty or putting the blame on the partner.

Empowering You For Effective Communication With Your Partner

Healthy communication does not equal an ideal relationship scenario where conflicts are out of the question and it’s all rainbows and unicorns. It simply means that partners can talk to each other in a meaningful way and make it work in the real world, and that’s all that really matters.
Our PIVOT Advocate can help you work on fostering healthy communication between you and your partner, or you can join a personalized couples workshop for deepening a relationship at our retreat: The Glass House. Communication is something you learn, much like any other skill. Call today and let us help you overcome communication challenges and resolve conflicts that are plaguing your relationship.

Are You Dealing With Emotional Withdrawal In Your Relationship?

Posted on December 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Mark and Sharon used to seem like an ideal couple. They were madly in love and it seemed they would never have trouble communicating their feelings for one another. But then it happened: they hit a rough patch and it now seems that it will take nothing short of a miracle for them to get back on track and for things to go back to normal.
She feels he is distancing himself from her and becoming emotionally withdrawn, which is making her confused and causing her a great deal of emotional pain. All in all, it feels like they’re stuck at the point of no return, with a separation being the only viable option. Sharon recommended attending a couple relationship management workshop but Mark refused. She feels neglected and fears abandonment is what happens next.
What went wrong and who or what is to blame for the emotional intimacy issues? And is it possible for a couple in this situation to overcome emotional withdrawal and withholding?

What Is Emotional Withdrawal?

Being emotionally withdrawn basically means keeping your emotions bottled up. This can naturally take a toll on any relationship, especially a romantic one. Emotional withdrawal is typical of the avoidant attachment style.
Your childhood experiences can affect your adult relationships. Being raised by emotionally distant or neglectful parents or caregivers can lead you to develop survival patterns you rely on to navigate emotional pain in adulthood. And when both you and your partner start to fall back on your own survival patterns, this can put a great deal of stress on the relationship.

What Is Emotional Withholding In Relationships?

Emotional withholding is a situation when a person uses their love and affection, praise or even their presence against their partner. It could be their way of staying in charge, avoiding humiliation or even hurting their partner, deliberately or not. It is important to understand that emotional withholding represents a type of emotional abuse that must be dealt with.

How To Deal With Emotional Withholding

Emotional withholding is a form of passive-aggressive behavior which qualifies as emotional abuse. Partners often resort to withholding affection as a form of punishing the other person even if they might not realize it. Giving someone the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, if you will, can cause a communication breakdown and irreparable damage to the relationship unless both partners are willing to work on resolving the underlying issues. As hackneyed as it may sound: communication is key.

How To Deal With The Silent Treatment

Most of us have been there: you desperately want to have a heart-to-heart with your partner but they just give you the silent treatment. You’re banging your head against the wall trying to understand whether you did anything wrong. You are also willing to do everything in your power to resolve the issue but you feel you’re the only one who wants to work towards a resolution.
This can only be dealt with if both partners are willing to communicate. And that’s the thing: neither partner is supposed to be a mind reader. It is impossible for one partner to figure out what’s wrong unless they can establish communication.

How Do You Fix A Broken Relationship?

One way to facilitate this is to constantly seek alternative ways of working on their relationship. Partners can learn about themselves, about each other and ultimately build trust in a relationship intensive workshop, such as the ones we have at The Glass House.
Aside from attending our 5-day workshop, you can also work with a PIVOT advocate separately or as a couple to help you heal. All of our programs are designed to accommodate the specific needs of every individual and guide them toward building intimacy in a relationship and developing healthy relationship patterns and coping skills.

How To Break Pursuer-Distancer Cycle

Back to Mark and Sharon and what they’re going through. Try this on for size.
Sharon: What’s wrong?
Mark: Nothing.
Sharon: Then why are you being like this?
Mark: Like what?
Sharon: You’re ignoring me all the time.
Mark: I’m not.
Sharon: You are and you know it. You’re doing it right now.
Mark: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sharon: Oh, I bet you don’t!
Mark: You’re overreacting.
Sharon: I’m so not!
Mark: I really can’t get into this right now.
Are you the pursuer or the distancer? In other words, are you Sharon or Mark? And how do you break the vicious circle?
When two people in a romantic relationship are having a hard time seeing eye to eye, they tend to misinterpret everything that the other person means to say, which could then push them further apart.
The pursuer is seen as needy and nagging, an impression made all the worse because of their growing frustration and uncontrollable tendency to criticize. They can’t help it because they are unable to shift perspectives. The distancer is seen as emotionally unavailable, cold and distanced, whereas, in reality, they are vulnerable and feel they are being treated in a way that is unfair.

How Do You Overcome Emotional Distance In A Relationship?

The pursuer-distancer cycle that is left unresolved turns into a pattern that the person is likely to repeat in every new relationship. But how do you bridge emotional distance? Here are some ideas you can use to resolve the situation:

Learn to recognize recurring patterns that lead to conflict.
Set up and stick to a conflict resolution plan.
Stick to a single topic until it is resolved.
Focus on togetherness and the ‘We’: We need to work this out.
Get to know your own communication style and learn to tweak it.
Learn to manage your emotions and not let negative emotions wash over you.
Create an atmosphere of safety, trust and understanding.
Find optimal ways to communicate: write each other letters if you have to.

Our Emotional Intimacy Coaching Can Help You Get Back On Track

Are you giving your partner the silent treatment? Or are you on the receiving end? Do you feel that you are responsible to smooth things over whenever someone is upset with you or is it your partner who is a people pleaser? So what can you do?
Taking simple steps like joining a relationship building skills workshop could ultimately be good for your own emotional development and for your relationship. It could help you learn how to shift perspectives and truly understand where the other person – in this case, your partner – is coming from. Call today and let us know what’s troubling you!