Relational Healing Archives

Why Addictive Relationships are the 51st Shade of Grey

Posted on May 6, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Fifty Shades of Grey made an impact on society, and although you may not have read the book nor plan on seeing the movie you may know the basic premise… it’s about a young college girl who falls for a billionaire who is into bondage and domination.
Dig a bit deeper and you’ll see that there’s more.
The title Fifty Shades of Grey relates to Christian Grey’s many aspects of his personality. He can go from gentleman one minute to S&M manic the next.
But the title is a play on words…
The phrase “shades of gray” refers to an unclear situation. Things are not black, or white. They are in a gray area.
Just like Ana and Christian’s relationship… it exists in a gray area. It’s not defined by our society’s rules. It is not a typical relationship.
It is a good example of the confusion that comes from being in a gray area in relation to sex, relationships, and obsession.
And like addictive relationships, it involves confusion, drama, and feelings of longing.

Addictive relationships

Addictive relationships happen fast and hard because it’s typically based on instant sexual attraction – just like 50 shades.
But the truth is… addictive relationships are not real. They are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was… not what they are.
And just like 50 shades, addictive relationships involve obsession, control and the need to stay in it despite negative consequences.
The core of addictive relationships is to fill a void, to heal past trauma and get unmet needs fulfilled.

Why are some people drawn to begin addictive relationships?

As a child, if you have experienced a lack of nurturing and attention from your parents then you’re more likely to search for healing from an addictive relationship.
Whether it was accidental or intentional, the love you received from your parents shaped the type of adult relationships you would be attracted to.
For example, if the love your parents gave you was inadequate, negligent, abusive or broken through a divorce, addiction, death or illness, then this leads to unmet emotional needs.
So, an adult you search for the transforming fix for anxiety, despair, rage or fear of abandonment within your relationships to get validation that you are loveable and a worthy human.
The motivation is positive… to heal yourself.
But this will fail if you pick someone who is unable to give you the genuine love, caring and emotional support you need.
Unfortunately, you’re wired to be drawn to what’s familiar (someone like your parent), regardless of how good it is for you. This happens because it is what you know and because you are trying to fill the hole of the abandonment wound.
The first step to healing is to heal your wounds yourself. The feelings of self-worth come from within. Not from other people or relationships.

What to do if you’re in an addictive relationship?

If you’re in an addictive relationship it feels isolating and lonely. But, the good news is, you’re not alone. It is more common than people think.
Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever.
Instead, be open to change and find the right help to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help. We’re here to help.

Discover If You Are In An Addictive Relationship

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Addictions, whether it’s drugs, alcohol or people, is a fix for negative feelings. But the fix doesn’t last. That’s why addictive relationships lead to abuse, drug use, depression, and other negative consequences.
Addictive relationships can be hard to define, and hard to tell if you are in one. Most people mistake the intense feelings they feel in this type of relationship as caring or concern.
For example, it can seem sweet or even flattering to have your partner be insanely jealous… it might show that they really care. However, a healthy relationship involves respect and trust, and not excessive jealousy and controlling behavior.
It is difficult to define these relationships; however, the basis of an addictive relationship involves having power and control over the other person.

Indications that your relationship is addictive

Addictive relationships always start magically. The attraction is instant, and it feels like you are finally understood.
Healthy relationships transition from the initial euphoria to getting to know and love the person as an individual, with all their quirks, gifts and their faults. However, addictive relationships are founded on rigid expectations of each other.
This triggers anxiety as you can’t live up to these rigid versions of each other, which then sets off the cycle of depression and euphoria… in search for the early magic. Tolerating anything for that initial “fix” again.

Lack of trust

There is a lack of trust in addictive relationships. Often anxiety is colored by jealousy and paranoid fears. This leads to constant demands for reassurance to prove that you still love each other… unlimited texts, phone calls and messages when you are not together.

Loss of control

The constant demands for reassurance lead to threats of ending the relationship. This leads to focused efforts to repair, apologize and a willingness to tolerate anything to reconnect again… at the cost of your emotional freedom.

Loss of other relationships

The obsession and dramatic cycles of addictive relationships risk your relationships with family and friends. Either family and friends feel neglected as you isolate yourself from the world and stop spending time together to “work on the relationship.” Or they are witness to the abuse and offer advice, guidance and support, but feel ignored when the cycle starts again. Either way, they can’t watch or feel personally used.

Loss of function

During the obsession cycle of the addictive relationship, if you don’t have “the fix” of the other person, then this leads to a loss of function. Like the symptoms you get when you break up… such as sweating, cramps, anxiety, nausea, sleeplessness and eating difficulties.

Loss of self

One of the most significant consequences of addictive relationships is losing yourself. Being in this type of relationship leads to having a diminished view of yourself, as compared to an idealized version of the other person. This results in higher levels of dependency.

What to do if you believe that your relationship is addictive

The first step starts with recognizing the addiction and being willing to change. This is best done with the help of a professional who specializes in addictive relationships.
Recovery starts with recovering and repairing yourself.
The good news… it doesn’t mean you will always be in an addictive relationship for life. If you are committed to change, then you’re not going to be stuck in a cycle of addictive relationships forever.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

7 Facts Everyone Should Know About Addictive Relationships

Posted on March 10, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

People generally want to be close to others… emotionally and physically. After all, life is better shared with someone special. But for some people, the euphoric feeling of being in love can be intoxicating and addictive.
The words “I’m addicted to you” may sound sweet, loving and romantic at the moment. However, this could be a warning sign for something darker.
But first, consider what a normal or healthy relationship is.
Healthy relationships start with growing up in a functional family… your parents prepare you to emotionally and intellectually relate with others. To share, connect and have each other’s needs met.
Healthy relationships do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last meeting.
However, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then you lose sight of what is a healthy relationship.
Unhealthy relationship patterns lead to unbalanced, unfulfilled and addictive relationships.
Just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or other substances, being in an addictive relationship is unhealthy, toxic and powerful.

7 facts you should know about addictive relationships

Key 1: Magical (or Unrealistic) Expectations

Addictive relationships are not real. They function out of fantasy. In reality, you are in love with what you wish the person was… not what they are.
This starts even before you meet your partner. Before you have a relationship. You form expectations of what your relationship will be like. How you will feel once you have a relationship.
Having magical expectations leads to wanting to change the person you are to be selected by the person that you’d like to be with.
If you find yourself constantly thinking that the relationship would be perfect if the person could change a little bit, then it is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.

Key 2: Visible Patterns and Characteristics

Addictive relationships are composed of three elements: obsession or preoccupation, the feeling of being out of control, and the need to stay in it despite negative consequences.
Addictive relationships follow patterns and cycles, which include:

Jealousy
Possessiveness
Manipulation
Mind Games
Drama
Guilt
Compulsion

Key 3: Instant Gratification

Addictive relationships happen fast and hard because it’s often based on instant sexual addiction.
Being in this type of relationship feels exciting, like an adrenaline surge. However, adrenaline is fear-based. This feeling is often confused with attraction, passion or instant love.
If it is love at first sight, animal attraction, or infatuation, then these are your warning bells.

Key 4: Obsessiveness and Desperation

An addiction to a person or relationship involves obsessive thoughts about the relationship: anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation.
It involves thinking about the relationships all the time and believing that without intense continuous effort the connection will be destroyed.

Key 5: Isolate Yourselves from the World

Being in an addictive relationship is intoxicating, to the point where you feel that no-one can share this marvelous experience you have. Because they won’t understand. So, you isolate yourselves from the world.
An addictive relationship is defined by an increasing craving to be alone with the person. Which also leads to withdrawal symptoms when you are away from them.
By staying isolated, you may find that you lose yourself and what you stand for.

Key 6: Cycle of Pain

Being in an addictive relationship becomes a vicious cycle. You become addicted to the brain chemistry related to the anticipation and traumatic bonding of the relationship.
Yet, because the relationship is so unfulfilling, you are left feeling empty, lonely and unfulfilled. This ends temporarily every time you are with your object of obsession (the person).

Key 7: Where it Starts

Issues in your adult relationships relate to your childhood. You’re drawn to what’s familiar, regardless of how good it is for you. It is what you know.
Addictive relationships, like different types of addiction, becomes a survival pattern. They happen because you are trying to fill the hole of an abandonment wound from childhood.
If you’ve experienced any of the following and have not taken the time to heal your wounds, then you are likely to be susceptible to addictive relationships:

Your parents got divorced
One or both of your parents were alcoholic
You were adopted
You lost a sibling or parent at a young age
You were abused
Your parents were emotionally unavailable
You were neglected
You were afraid of being abandoned
You didn’t get validation from your parents

What to do about addictive relationships

Now if you’ve dated one harmful person, this doesn’t mean you’re addicted to bad relationships. However, if you’re noticing a pattern, then there may be a problem.
Although being in an addictive relationship feels isolating and lonely, you’re not alone. It is more common than people think.
The good news… it doesn’t mean you will always be in an addictive relationship for life. You are not “broken.”
Just because you come from a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you can’t create secure attachments and healthy relationships. If you are committed to change, then you’re not stuck with this forever.
Instead, be open to change and find someone who understands and can help you to talk about the relationship and the pain that’s inside of you.
Remember you are worthy of happiness and love, and a healthy relationship. You can have relational freedom.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome addictive relationships, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

7 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship

Posted on February 24, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

You’ve probably heard that trust is the foundation for strong relationships. Without it, relationships won’t grow or progress and will eventually fail.
And you probably know that trusting your partner is the most important part of your relationship.
But what happens if you’re in a new relationship and you don’t have trust yet? Or if you’ve lost trust? Can you get it back? If you’re struggling to build trust in a relationship, would an intensive workshop help?

Can A Relationship Survive When Trust Is Broken?

Before you can start building trust, you must understand what trust means for your partner and yourself. It’s essential that you communicate your expectations and thoughts and understand what your partner needs.
Building trust starts with sharing your hopes for the relationship and what you expect each other to do (or not do) to keep your love alive. Communicate openly with your partner and try to determine the best approach for your relationship. Take small steps, be patient, or try attending a building trust in a relationship intensive workshop.
Read on to learn what you can do to bring back trust!

How Do You Build Trust In A Relationship?

Losing trust is far easier than building it back up. If there has been a betrayal, you may feel like you’ll never be able to trust your partner again. Still, it is possible to re-establish trust if both parties in a relationship are willing to put in the effort. If you and your partner wish to rebuild trust and make the relationship work, you should know that it will take quite a bit of time, patience, and compromise.

Steps To Rebuilding Trust In A Relationship

Trust is an essential building block in any mature relationship. If you are determined to build a deeper and healthier connection with your partner, you will have to learn how to be comfortable around your partner again if trust has been broken. Here are 7 steps you can take to rebuild trust in your relationship:

1) Be Vulnerable

Be open and vulnerable with your partner by sharing things you often keep hidden. If you’ve been hurt in previous relationships, then it’s likely you want to avoid talking about expectations because you don’t want to be hurt again. However, the only way to make the relationship work is to be real and open.

2) Communicate Openly

If you have something important to discuss, I recommend that this is always done in person. Although using text, email or even phone calls to communicate is useful, it can lead to misunderstandings as the real meaning of the message can be misinterpreted.

3) Keep Secrets

One big way to build trust is to keep your partner’s secrets if that is requested and healthy. Treasure them. Respect them. As a couple, the relationship deserves privacy.

4) Keep Promises

Make it a priority to keep your promises to your partner. Whether it’s a small thing or a big thing, keep your commitments. This shows respect, support, and reliability, which is the key to build trust.

5) Respect Each Other’s Differences

Before you can build trust, you must respect each other’s differences without judgment. Even if you don’t understand why something is important to your partner, simply respect the fact that it is important.

6) Be Forgiving

Trusting each other doesn’t mean mistakes won’t happen. When they do, the important thing is to be forgiving. Holding onto grudges erodes trust in relationships. Instead, let go of the hurt, accept the apology and move on.

7) Be Supportive

It is critical to be supportive of each other. Being supportive allows you and your partner to be authentic knowing someone has your back. It means you can have confidence knowing you’re supported whenever you take a risk, learn new things or even make mistakes.

How Do You Trust After Betrayal?

If one of you has been betrayed in the relationship, then building trust back is very difficult, but it can be done. If you both want it. In fact, trust must be repaired for the relationship to survive.
Here are three steps that can help:

Apologize/accept an apology: when trust is broken in a relationship, the first thing to do is to acknowledge the feelings of hurt, apologize and take responsibility for what has happened. Show love, care and respect for each other. If your partner betrayed you, make an effort to accept the apology.
Promise not to hurt again: This promise must be real. A promise that must be kept. What’s more, the promise needs to be backed up with action.
Analyze feelings: If you were betrayed, then take time to analyze and understand your feelings. Don’t deny or dismiss hurt feelings. Instead, ask yourself, “How deeply am I hurt?” “How long do I want to keep this feeling of hurt?” “What do I want from this relationship?”

Trust must be earned. It takes time. Especially if there has been a betrayal. But it doesn’t have to be impossible. Approach your relationship and each other with respect and understanding. Be open. Be vulnerable. Be real. Do what you say you will do. Stay true to yourself, and your expectations and a trusting relationship will grow.

We Bring Intensive Private Couple Retreats For Reconnection

It is only when you have trust and love, that your relationship will thrive. Unfortunately, many couples struggle with overcoming intimacy issues and building a stable and trusting relationship. Everybody needs a little push from time to time, and reaching out to experienced relationship coaches may be just what you and your partner need to make the relationship work.
If you would like help to build deep trust in your relationship, then contact PIVOT. By attending a couple relationship management workshop, you will learn how to build deeper connections and rebuild trust. Our relationship intensive retreats and our relationship coaching designed for individuals and couples can give you the tools you need to facilitate lasting change. Give us a call!

5 Signs Of Lacking Trust In Your Relationship

Posted on February 12, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Have you been told that you have problems trusting others in relationships? Do you know if you’re difficult to please? Do you set unrealistic expectations in your relationships? Or do you avoid intimacy because you’re scared of being hurt?
If you can relate to some of these questions, then you may have challenges trusting yourself and others. Luckily, you can find the help you need to build trust in a relationship in a PIVOT workshop. With assistance from our PIVOT coaches, you’ll learn how to create healthier relationships based on trust and deep intimacy.
Keep reading to find out more about trust issues and learn how to overcome them.

What Causes Trust Issues?

Although you may desperately want love and to be loved, trust issues will make you unwilling to emotionally attach to someone because you don’t want to get hurt.
In many cases, trust issues come from past hurts that occurred in previous romantic relationships or from unhealthy family relationships during childhood. Or both. This will, of course, depend on your specific circumstances.
If you want to discover the cause of your trust issues, you should take a look at your relationship history, both with your parents and previous partners. For example, you may have developed trust issues if:

Your parents got divorced
One or both of your parents were alcoholic
You were adopted
You lost a sibling or parent
You had a history of abuse in your childhood
Your parents were emotionally unavailable
You felt neglected during your childhood
Your previous partners cheated on you
You cheated on previous partners
You have a history of low self-esteem
You are afraid of being abandoned

Many people with trust issues know they have trouble in their relationships, but don’t realize it comes from a trust problem. That is why it’s important to seek a fresh perspective from a relationship coach who can help you understand where your challenges come from and help you overcome trust issues in your relationship.

How Do I Know If I Have Trust Issues?

If you’ve been experiencing problems related to trust in your relationships, you may be confused about what a normal amount of distrust is and what constitutes severe trust issues. While many people believe that some jealousy is a normal part of relationships, you should be able to tell when too much is too much.
Healthy relationships are based on trust and intimacy. If you feel like you can’t trust your partner fully, you may still be healing from past wounds which influence your present relationships. If that’s the case, you will need to learn how to rebuild trust in order to create and maintain stable and happy relationships.

What Are The Signs Of Trust Issues?

Trust challenges can manifest themselves in a myriad of ways. Still, many people who struggle with trusting their partners have certain behavioral patterns that may indicate trust issues. Look out for the following behaviors:

1) You Are Afraid Of Commitment

Perhaps, you have challenges being vulnerable and sharing because you don’t want to get hurt again. This means your relationship is based on trust issues rather than on true feelings or real emotions.
If you have trust issues, then you are more likely to be afraid to commit emotionally, for fear of getting hurt if the relationship ends.

2) Fast, Intense Relationships That Suddenly End

You may become involved in romantic relationships quickly, but they are intense and short-lived.
You may be excited or even addicted to the newness of the relationship, but once things get familiar, your romance ends.

3) You Assume The Worst

No matter what happens, you assume the worst about your partner. If they haven’t answered their phone it’s because they’re cheating. If they’re not with you, then they must be betraying you.
Your first thought is to think you are being cheated on. You don’t consider that your partner may just be busy or catching up with family.

4) Unrealistic Expectations In Relationships

If you have trust issues, then you may be expecting perfection in your partner. You hold your partner to an impossibly high standard and won’t tolerate any imperfections.
Unfortunately, expecting perfection in someone else typically leads to sabotaging true romance from growing.

5) You Need To Be In Control

You may be challenged to allow others to be in the lead.
The reason is that you don’t want to be disappointed, so you want to stay in control… always.

How Can I Overcome Trust Challenges In A Relationship?

If you recognize any of the signs above, then know that you’re not alone. Lots of people struggle with fears of being hurt.
The good news is that you can change and break the cycle of your trust issues, so you can be safe in a relationship and not feel engulfed. Here are some tips:

Figure out where your trust issues come from and try to accept your past hurts.
Be honest about your partner about what you are looking for in a relationship.
Listen carefully to your partner’s wishes and needs.
Work together with your partner to overcome your trust challenges.
Keep your expectations in check and think before you act.

Attend The #1 Building Trust In A Relationship Intensive Workshop

The first step to overcoming trust issues is recognizing the importance of trust in a relationship and the source of your pain.

As certified relationship advocates at PIVOT, we encourage our clients to not be hard on themselves. You are not “broken” or flawed. Instead, make the decision to improve your life by learning and evolving. To do this, you need to be open to change.
One of the best ways to empower positive change is to get support and expertise from trained individuals that specialize in relationships and attachment challenges. At PIVOT, we offer effective relationship building retreats and intensive workshops for both couples and individuals.
Remember, you are worthy of happiness and love, and you do matter.
If you are ready to create meaningful connections and overcome challenges trusting yourself and others, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help.

The Importance of Trust in a Relationship

Posted on January 22, 2019 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you ever get a feeling that something isn’t right in your relationship? You may not know why, but more than likely, it’s because you are lacking trust in your relationship.
If that is the case, then seeking out professional relationship coaches who can help you build trust in a relationship through an intensive workshop or via facetime, may be the right course of action. Read on to learn how to tell if you lack trust in your relationships and why trust is so important.

Signs That You Lack Trust In A Relationship

You may not have trust in your partner if…

You feel like you can’t let your guard down in front of your partner.
You feel like it’s best to take control and do everything yourself.
You secretly watch their social media activity.
You are suspicious when he receives a text.
You imagine the worst when he doesn’t answer his phone.
Or you struggle to ask for what you want.

Can a relationship work without trust? Without trust, it’s difficult for your relationship to grow. Worse still, your relationship may feel chaotic, unpredictable and full of drama.

What Is Trust?

The relationship between trust and love is a close one. Trust means trusting yourself, your own judgments and trusting others. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Without it, the relationship will be shaky and will eventually fail. Lack of trust is the main reason relationships fall apart.
Why?
Because, if you don’t have trust it means you won’t feel secure that your partner will love you and be loyal to you. After all, trust means you can rely on your partner, can confide in them and feel safe with them.

Why Is Trust Important In A Relationship?

Here are five reasons why trust is important in relationships:

Trust Gives Reassurance

When you trust that your partner loves you no matter what, then you have the reassurance the relationship will survive even if you have arguments or fights. You know your relationship is more robust than a disagreement.

Trust Helps To Heal Hurts

When you get hurt in your relationship, from a misunderstanding, different expectations or unmet needs, trust enables you to heal and forgive.

You Cannot Love Without Trust

Trust is the foundation for your relationship and the key to love. When you trust your partner, then you feel secure that they won’t leave in difficult times. This is the key for love to build and grow.

Trust Helps Overcome Obstacles

When you trust your partner, you know you’re their priority. They have your best interests at heart. When differences or challenges may occur in your relationship, you know that you can overcome the problems together.

Trust Helps You Give Your Partner Room

When you trust your partner, you don’t feel insecure about giving him time or space to do his own thing without you. You’re not suspicious about who he spends time with.

What Does Trust Look Like In A Relationship?

Here’s are some signs that you have trust in your relationship:

Open conversations: You are both willing to let your guard down and share your secrets and fears.
You are each other’s priority: You both put each other’s needs and interests first. You both show care and consideration with each other.
Maintain eye contact: If you can look into each other’s eyes while talking, it shows you both have nothing to hide.
Listen actively: If you both listen intently, then it shows love, care, and respect.
Physical intimacy: It’s the little things, not sex, that shows how strong the bond is – a gentle kiss, holding hands or hugging.
Admitting mistakes: You are both honest about mistakes and don’t cover them up with excuses or explanations.
Mingle with family and friends: If you both enjoy mingling with each other’s family and friends, then it shows you both have good intentions.
Comfortable and confident: If you are both your authentic selves around each other, then it shows you trust each other.
Efficiently resolve conflicts: If you can both work through disagreements in healthy ways, then it shows your relationship is solid.

Is Trust Earned Or Given In A Relationship?

When you have built a stable relationship on trust, you will both be free to be your authentic selves.
But trust must be earned. It takes time. It’s not automatic. And it can’t be demanded. The good news – with effort, trust can be built. Even if there have been issues with trust in your relationship, you can change and build a trusting, secure connection. The first step is recognizing if you have trust issues in your relationship, and then decide to build trust and improve your life relationship.

Learn How To Build Trust In A Relationship With PIVOT

Looking for a way to deepen your relationship and resolve trust issues? PIVOT is here to help. Our intensive relationship workshop can provide you with the necessary tools for changing your relationships for the better. In addition to our in-depth five-day retreats, we also offer intensive couples and individual coaching sessions to help you build trust.
Remember, you are worthy of a beautiful, trusting and loving relationship. If you are ready to build deep trust with your partner, then contact us today!

Love Isn't Addictive… Here's Why

Posted on June 12, 2018 by Lori Jean Glass

Do you mistake intensity for intimacy?
Do you have to be in relationship to avoid feeling empty?
Do you know you need help navigating relationships and not sure
about what help to get?
Do you feel like you are working harder in the relationship than your
partner?
Is the love ever enough?
Do you find yourself confused instead of having clarity in your
relationships?

If you can relate to some of these questions, you are among many people who suffer from what our behavioral health industry calls love addiction. If you have an adverse reaction to that label, here’s why…
When I was 39 years old – I was sitting in an office – broken hearted over another relationship that had fallen apart. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And, I wanted to die.
I was told that I suffered from something called love addiction. From what I understood, love addiction was a proposed model of pathological passion-related behavior involving the feeling of being in love.
Well, it didn’t make ANY sense to me. At the time, the relationships I was involved in did not feel loving. What I felt was intensity from the desire of longing to be loved. I was in the throes of the twisting and turning and chasing and pulling on relationships with the hopes of some kind of felt sense of belonging.
In relationships I used to be what I call a stage 5 cling on – I could not be alone – I had to be in a relationship all of the time. I displayed a very anxious attachment style. I took others hostage and boarded what I call Crazy Train – in hopes of traveling to a fantasyland of love.
So, when I was told I had this condition called love addiction what was the cure? I was instructed to stay out of relationships, call myself a love addict, and magically stop connecting sexually to feel loved. Don’t dare draw attention to myself and definitely pretty down. I might as well have disappeared. The loneliness from this prescription of what was supposed to be helpful was painful and now I definitely felt like I was going to die.
What I really always wanted was to love and be loved and now I can’t even do that because I am addicted to Love?  Very confusing. So now, I didn’t get to love. I didn’t deserve to love – instead, I was told I had to stay out of LOVE and was addicted to it.
What I know today is that it was not love that I was addicted to. When I was calling someone’s cell phone 38 times in a row and driving by their house to make sure they were home and not lying to me was nowhere near being in a state of consciousness of love. When one is in love – there is a reverence present – a level of respect that is honored and one is held in high regard. What I was in engaged in was drama driven relationships fueled by intensity (what does intensity feel like?), not intimacy. I had no idea what love was. The transparency, trust and a felt sense of belonging that love commands were foreign to me. How could I be addicted to something I had never allowed myself to experience? I had no self-esteem and I was addicted to chasing unavailable people.
I was in a state of consciousness called desire. This desire created a constant craving and I was enslaved to this process and it ruled my every breath. I would be thrown into withdrawal from the crazy relationships that I would choose on a regular basis. It was never ever enough and life was always disappointing.
Let me break this down:
When I was 3 years old, my father, drowned. We were there and it was tragic. My mother dealt with my father’s death by using alcohol as a survival pattern so basically, my childhood was laced with abandonment. This was the energy that fueled my relationships and formed how I would attach to others. Translation: DON’T LEAVE ME.
When I was a teenager, my mother died from her own lack of self-care and alcoholism. I rebelled and was a force to be reckoned with. I came at life full force with guns a blazing. My spirited adolescence energy stayed with me for a very long time. I was emotionally immature and easily persuaded if you gave me a place to belong.
I lived with untreated trauma and a deep-rooted abandonment button that created this never-ending desire that burned deep in my soul. The best way I can describe this feeling is unmet longing.
I desperately wanted a do-over – so I unconsciously sought out relationships that ignited this unmet longing and tried to prove to myself that I was enough by taking these relationships hostage in an honest attempt to get chosen and somehow belong and feel loved.
I was satisfied with crumbs and was constantly affected by unrealistic expectations of others. Managing and tolerating my feelings felt impossible at times. I had a pain body root of abandonment and it was activated on a daily basis.
When I was growing up after my Father’s death, my Mom was emotionally not available. Every year there was one exception – my birthday. On my birthday, my mom would greet me with a smile and a happy birthday kiss. It was a day where I didn’t have to act out, throw a fit, and scream and cry to get attention. Instead, I got the loving attention every kid deserves. I felt special. No matter how old I was, Savannah – the name I call the inner child in me — felt special.
Two things happened that day every year:
First, I got to pick the dinner which was steamed clams with melted butter. I felt important over the fuss created in finding the fresh clams.
Second, was the beautiful cake my mom would bake for me. From scratch. My birthday is in December, a few weeks before Christmas and I always got an angel food cake with white frosting and candy canes and red gumdrops on top. Candyland happened to be my favorite game as a child.
Every year, when she brought that cake to the table, Candyland came to life. My life felt joyous and loving–one of the rare moments I was not either on full alert or in complete despair.
Many years later when I was in my late 20’s, I met a caring man who was doing his best to show up for me.
One evening, shortly after we started dating, I opened up to him. I told him about my mom and the birthday cake. I hadn’t talked about the cake with anyone since my 17th birthday when she forgot to make the cake and then died 6 days later.
I described the angel food cake with candy canes and gumdrops on top and explained to this man that it was the one time I could count on my Mom to show up for me. He listened and I felt safe being vulnerable with him about my past. He told me about his own experiences with an alcoholic mother and we bonded in our trauma storylines. So, we got engaged.
This pattern of opening up to another person early on in a relationship and then pinning huge expectations on that person to be responsible for my emotions was familiar. At that moment, I had no idea that I was grooming him to recreate a pattern of pain from my childhood in hopes of that do-over.
Not much later after telling him that story, my birthday rolled around and we made plans to go out to dinner that night. During the workday, I had received warm chocolate chip cookies with a birthday card delivered to my office by a bike messenger. I felt special and looked forward to an evening of celebration.
Later that evening, he knocked on my door and was standing there with a pink cake box. The sensation running through my veins felt like a drug – and at that moment, the unmet longing hole was filled. I was seen. Subconsciously, Candyland, gumdrops, the perfect cake, the perfect man – all of it – the good memories, the felt sense of being seen created a warm sensation throughout my body. It is moments in time like this for people that have unresolved trauma in our bodies where we want to freeze time and stay there longer.
I took the cake box from his hands, I opened the box with excitement and inside that pink box was a *^<#ing Carrot Cake. I froze. I could not think at that moment and my painbody wound was activated.
I can remember his smile vanishing as I went into full hostage taking, guns a blazing mode. It’s like being in an emotional blackout only there are no drugs involved. How could he not bring home the angel food cake with the candy canes and gumdrops? Didn’t he hear me? Doesn’t he see me? Didn’t he understand? The card and chocolate chip cookies were a distant memory…and this poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He went to a bakery after work to get me a birthday cake–simple, thoughtful, and kind. The idea of an emotional explosion over a carrot cake probably sounds silly to most of you.
When you get emotionally activated, you make it about something else because the unresolved trauma is pushed down so deep. As Travis Meadows sings in his song Sideways – push it down it comes out sideways… and on that night – it sure came out sideways. I ruined my own birthday and of course, blamed him for it.  This is the behavior that I was addicted to. I was unconsciously causing drama to recreate the trauma to have a corrective experience. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that. I didn’t know how to PIVOT when my pain got activated. The end result is disconnected, and often failed relationships.
I’d like to emphasize something.
The simple act of becoming AWARE of the wounds and behaviors as they are
happening is an ENORMOUS first step.
So, as I just explained, I was not addicted to love. I was addicted to the drama and the desire of the fight to find love. Healthy, unconditional love is boring for those of you fighting the wrong fight in hopes of winning.
What I know is that people can and do change – AND you can learn to attach securely in relationships. I know – because I have done just that.
Today I stand in front of you as a Healthy Adult who is not afraid to be vulnerable. I am sensitive and I can name that. I have learned to be responsible for my own emotions and choose connection over conflict.  I have learned to have good internal boundaries and how to manage my pain body when it is activated.
I now work with others to help them learn to PIVOT toward self-care and self-efficacy so that we can stop the violence and pain caused by wounded hearts.
For those of you who identify with what I am saying I want you to know – you are not crazy – you are simply riding what I call the Crazy Train and you can de-board. You can learn how to be responsible for your emotions and stand in relational alignment…a term that I created which means when your mind thinks in alignment with how your heart feels and you have the courage to take healthy action with your feet, you have achieved a verticality that is honest, ethical, and authentic to who you are.
In closing, my invitation to the Behavioral Health Community is to stop using the term Love Addiction. We need to stop shaming those who long for love by telling them they are addicted to it. Let’s please stop using the term love addiction and call it attachment dysregulation.
If you find that you are suffering from attachment dysregulation and considering getting out of a relationship that feels addictive, there is help. I started PIVOT, a relational alignment group and have been training advocates which consists of therapists and coaches to help you transition out of unhealthy relationships and teach you what relationships are healthy for you based on who you are and where you come from.
If you are currently looking to end a relationship, I encourage you to consider taking the steps listed below:
1. Identify and evaluate the relationship from the Whole Perspective
At PIVOT, we use the Whole Perspective concept as a tool to look at a relationship foundation from more than just what is getting triggered emotionally. It will eliminate fantasy and put you into reality quickly. The Whole Perspective consists of five components; spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and financial.
2. Get the right support
If you are seeing a therapist, make sure they are skilled working with attachment and family of origin issues. You may benefit from getting your own PIVOT advocate. While you are gearing up for possible relational withdrawal, you will need support if you decide to pull the plug.
3. Observe the relationship
Learn to be a good observer. Often we “think” we know what is going on as we evaluate a relationship while in emotional crisis. If you are playing defense and defending your position in the relationship while in emotional pain, you cannot see reality. I suggest that you get a notebook and at the start of every day BEFORE you engage with anyone, take a few minutes and write down what the relationship consisted of the previous day. You will soon see your own patterns and get a really good idea of what is happening in your relationship.
4. Identify the Core – Wound
Work with a professional and find the reason why this pain is so deeply rooted. If you experienced abandonment and neglect like in my story above – someone ending a relationship with you is going to be considerably harder. You also may stay in relationship due to a codependent relationship with a mentally ill parent. Your storyline is unique and you must understand what is going to activate your old wounds.
5. Create a self-care plan
How will you take care of yourself based on the Whole Perspective? What do you need to prepare yourself for if you leave this relationship? Are there any financial realities that need to be considered and managed? Do you have a physical outlet to help with the anxiety and depression that may surface temporarily after the relationship is over? What kind of spiritual guidance can help? Are you able to take some time for yourself to begin to heal emotionally? Any new intellectual interests you can engage in to give your mind something new to focus on?
6. Make a decision
If you followed these steps, you will be in a much better position to decide to stay or leave the relationship. If you leave, it will sting and you will now have valuable information that can help continue to inform you that you made the right decision. Remember this is not a straight line and there will be days when you will want to go back. And, if you do decide to stay and give it another try, you will have a lot more information that may help you in couples counseling.
Remember that YOU have to take care of YOU. When we allow others to be responsible for our emotions, we rob ourselves of emotional intelligence and personal growth and create a dependency that looks and feels like an addiction to others.  PIVOT toward yourself – heal your wounds – and then you can attach securely to others as a healthy adult!
By: Lori Jean Glass